 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. You know, for real smoking enjoyment, nothing. No nothing beats better taste, and... Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means lime tobacco. Richer tasting, lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson. Friends, no doubt about it. Your enjoyment of a cigarette depends on its taste. For nothing, no nothing beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. You see, Lucky's better taste starts right off with the fine, mild, good tasting tobacco that goes into Lucky's. And then, Lucky's are made better to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother tasting smoke. Yes, sir. Only fine tobacco and a better made cigarette can give you all the deep down smoking enjoyment you want. So why not switch to Lucky Strike? Yes, be happy. Go Lucky. You'll find... Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Murray Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Now, let's go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. It's such a lovely morning that outside on the front lawn we hear the splashing of birds in the bird bath. While upstairs, we hear the sound of the shower. Rochester, I'm through showering. You can stop singing now. Say, Rochester, I don't know where you're buying soap lately, but that new bar I just used didn't lather at all. I didn't know you took a new bar of soap. Did you get it out of the service closet? No, I found it in the kitchen. In the drawer? No, in a dish near the drain board. Well, congratulations, boss. Why? You have just showered with a peeled potato. Peeled? Imagine showering with a peeled potato. You now have the skin that lamb chops love to touch. Never mind that. Here, take this towel and dry my back. Will you please? Yes, sir. Ah, that feels good. Boss, you sure have well-developed shoulders. Oh, thank you, Rochester. Yes, sir. Did you ever do any fighting? Oh, yes, yes, a long time ago. As a matter of fact, I won 22 fights. I was known as the Warkegan Wildcat. Warkegan Wildcat? Yes. Why did you quit? Well, they made us put on gloves and I couldn't scratch anymore. So I got a manicure and retired. Now, Rochester, while I get dressed, how about fixing me some breakfast? Yes, sir. Oh, good morning, Polly. Oh, what a beautiful day. Ah, I've got a wonderful feeling that something is coming my way. You must be in a good mood. I heard you singing as you were coming to the door. Oh, I always sing when it's getting close to my payday. Really? When is your payday? September 1st. This is only April. Why do you sing so long before payday? There ain't much to sing about after. I know what you mean. Oh, good morning, Mary. Hello, Jack. You know, it's so early. I thought you'd still be in bed. In bed? Are you kidding? I've already taken my shower. Rochester, how about breakfast? Coming up. Mary, would you care for something to eat? No, thanks. I'm not hungry. You know, Mary, you look kind of cute this morning. You really do. How about a kiss? Okay. That's funny. Why? I just said I wasn't hungry, and now I've got a craving for potatoes. Nothing, nothing. Rochester, just make my breakfast. Wait a minute, Jack. What is Rochester talking about? All right, I'll tell you. This morning when I was taking a shower, I thought I picked up a cake or so, but it turned out to be a peeled potato. It could happen to anybody. That couldn't happen to Gracie Allen. So I showered with a potato. What do you want me to do? Kiss me, I'm hungry. Come on, Rochester, is breakfast ready? I just put the coffee on. What else would you like? Well, I'd like a little bacon and one fried EGG. Yes, sir, a little bacon and one fried EGG. Jack, what's the idea of the spelling? Why don't you just say you want a little bacon and one fried... Don't say it, Mary, don't say it. We always spell it. You know, Polly lays an EGG every day and she'd go crazy if she ever found out we were eating them. Isn't that cute? EGG, EGG, EGG, EGG. Mix me some pancakes. Yes, sir. Now who can that be? Oh, I'll get it. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mary, is Mr. Benny in? Yes, he's having breakfast. Well, I'm sure Gladdy's here because I got plenty to tell him. Dennis, what's the matter? Fourteen years this has been going on and I've had all I can take. I've stood enough, believe me. Dennis, Dennis, what is it? I wouldn't mind if it was only once or twice, but every week the same thing, week in and week out. After all, what does he take me for? I'm fed up, I tell you, fed up. Well, Dennis, I don't know what's on your mind, but obviously you should talk to Mr. Benny. Say, I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to tell him off. Oh, come on, he's in the breakfast room. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Gee, you're looking well today. Thanks, kid. What'd you come over for? Oh, I just happened to be in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop in. Well, well, I'm glad you did. Dennis, what are you waiting for? Why don't you tell him off? What are you trying to do? Start something? Yes, Mary, what's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? Yeah. You've been mistreating Dennis and taking advantage of him for 14 years. What? And he's had enough of it. After all, what do you take him for? Mary, what are you trying to do? Make trouble or something? That's telling her, Mr. Benny. Oh, wait a minute. Look, Dennis, I'm going to straighten this thing out right now. Didn't you come to the door and tell me that you were mad at Mr. Benny? Uh-huh. And didn't you tell me that you were fed up with the way he was treating you? Uh-huh. And didn't you say you were going to tell him plenty? Uh-huh. Then why is it when you walked after Mr. Benny that you were so nice to him? When I saw his long fingernails, I lost my nerve. Stop being silly. Now, Dennis, I want to hear the song you're going to do on the program. So go ahead. Yes, sir. Suddenly you're kissing my... Rochester, is my toast ready yet? Not yet, boss. It's in the toaster. Well, say, Mr. Benny, what's this I hear about you going up to San Francisco for three weeks? That's right, Dennis. Next Sunday, I do my television show and my guest star is Fred Allen. Immediately after my TV show, I fly to San Francisco and open at the current theater on April 20th, and I'll be there for three weeks. Jack, who are you going to have on your stage show? Well, Mary, I'm going to have the Will Mastin Trio featuring Sammy Davis Jr., Giselle McKenzie, and an all-star cast, including Frank Remley. What's he going to do? Nothing, but the stage would look so empty without him lying there. It's going to be a great show. Rochester, what was that? The toast that flew out the window. Oh, my goodness. That piece of toast landed on the lawn, and it'll attract ants. I'll be right back. Well, let's see. It flew out through that window, so it should be right on the lawn. Hmm, I don't see it. Maybe it flew out into the street. Funny, I don't see it around here either. Hmm, there's the Coleman's garbage can. It hasn't got a lid on it. I wonder if the toast could have gone in there. Yeah, I gotta find her. We'll be loaded with ants. Hmm, there's several pieces of toast in here. Jack! Huh? Oh, hello, Bob. I was just looking for a piece of toast. Jack, why didn't you tell me the things with that rough wide work for nothing? Bob, you don't understand. Well, Jack, you can be honest with me. Come on, I'll take you down to the market and buy you enough food to last for two months. Bob, I'm trying to tell you that... What'd you say? Well, I said that I'd take you down to the market and buy you enough food for two months. Jack, come on in. Your breakfast is ready. You eat it. Bob and I are going shopping. Wait a minute. You mean you have food in the house and yet you are going to let me try to buy some for you? Bob, I was just going to teach you a lesson for being so silly. Now, come on in the house. Hello, Rochester. Hiya, Mary. Hello, Bob. Hiya, Bob. Hiya, Dennis. Sit down, kids. Mary, pour everybody some coffee. Okay. Make mine black. Black? Dennis, I thought you always took cream. Why do you want a black? I'm in mourning. My uncle died. Dennis, Dennis, you're kidding. No, I'm not. He committed suicide. Suicide? Yeah. Did he shoot himself? No. Did he hang himself? No. Well, did he take poison? No. Well, for heaven's sakes, how did he do it? He bought a bottle of Stop Ettin, poked himself to death, poked over past the cream. I think it's only fair that I warn you. Warn me about what? Before Phil Harris met Dennis, he didn't drink a drop. There's someone at the back door. Rochester, give everybody coffee. I'll answer. Bakery shop. Yeah, I got the stuff that you ordered. Some donuts, some chocolate cake, some pastry, and a half a dozen simmerin rolls. You still can't pronounce it, can you? Look, it isn't simmerin, it's cinnamon. Now, let me ask you something. Maybe this will help you pronounce it. How are these rolls made? Well, you take some flour, sugar, eggs, and do you want to know all the ingredients? It isn't ingredients, it's ingredients. Yes, I want to know all of them. Well, there's flour, sugar, eggs, shortening, and cinnamon. That's it, that's it, that's it! Now look, take your time, think. Okay, now let me hear you say it. Ingredients. I'm trying to get you to say simmerin. Why don't you order something else? You drive me nuts. Just give me my stuff. Thanks and goodbye. Oh, that silly guy from the bakery. The fellow insists upon saying simmerin rolls. Well, here you are, kid. You can have some of these with your coffee. They're nice and fresh. Uh, wait a minute, Jack. He's right. What do you mean he's right? Well, look at that label on this paper box. These are genuine simmerin rolls named after J.P. Simmerin, founder of the simmerin baking company. Simmerin rolls should not be confused with ordinary cinnamon rolls, which are made from entirely different ingredients. That'll hold you. Hold me nothing. That silly guy had that label printed himself just because he can't say cinnamon. He must be crazy. Well, boss, there's one way of finding out. How? Ask him if he showers with a pee. All of this nonsense. Do you kids want the rolls with your coffee or not? Oh, I'll have some. It's all right. Dennis, how about... Dennis? Dennis, what are you stirring your coffee with? My paper-made pen. Oh, don't worry, it's leak-proof. What? Jokes overpass me a spoon. Don't stir the Jackson, but I'm slipping. Get the ice before you get through it. There's a front door. You want me to get it, boss? No, all I did was shower with a peeled potato. The whole day is mixed up. Yes? How do you do? My name is Martindale. I represent a law firm that specializes in settling estates and tracing legal heirs. Legal heirs? Yes. Does Mr. Jack Benny live here? Oh, I'm Jack Benny. Well, then it's very possible that you're the man I'm looking for. May I come in? Yes, yes. Have a seat, Mr. Martindale. Mr. Benny, if you're the man we're looking for, an ant whom you have never seen has left you a legacy of $5,000. $5,000? Hey, kids! Kids, come on in here! What is it, Jack? What's up? What, what, what? You tell them, Mr. Martindale. Certainly. We have reason to believe that Mr. Benny's ant Matilda, whom he has never met, left him $5,000. Hey, that's wonderful. Yes, yes. Where's the money? Where's the money? My ant Matilda. I've got the check right here in my briefcase. Oh, but first I'll have to verify a few facts. Oh, of course, of course. Go ahead, Mr. Ask me anything you want. Good old ant Matilda. Just to answer the legacy. I mean the money. I mean the soul. Hello? Hello, Jack. This is Don. Goodbye, Don. I mean call me, call me back later. I'm very busy right now. Oh, I can't call you later. The sportsman quartet is here and they're leaving town in a few minutes, and we've got to settle something very important. Now, we've got the commercial two ways, and I don't know which way is better. But, Don. You're the only one who could help us. It'll only take a minute. Boys, boys, come on over to the phone. Let him hear it the first way. Don, look at that. Now, listen, Jack, listen closely. Take it, fellas. Be happy, go lucky. Be happy, go lucky. Strike, be happy, go lucky. Get better taste today. Pee-de-dee-poop-poop-poop-poop. Look, Don. Now, that was the first way. Now, fellas, give it to him the second way. Be happy, go lucky. Be happy, go lucky. Strike, be happy, go lucky. Get better taste today. Poo-de-dee-poop-poop-poop-poop. Now, Jack, which way did you like better? Which way did I like better? Don, I didn't hear any difference. You didn't? No. Well, for heaven's sakes, why don't you pay attention? Look, Don. Fellas, the first way again. Don. Look, I've got a band waiting for me. Be happy, go lucky. Be happy, go lucky. Get better taste today. Pee-de-dee-poop-poop-poop-poop. Now, that was the first way. I know, I know. Now, fellas, the second way. Don, I don't care. Be happy, go lucky. Be happy, go lucky. Strike, be happy, go lucky. Get better taste today. Poo-de-dee-poop-poop-poop-poop. Okay, Jack, which way did you like better? Don, are you crazy? Both ways were exactly alike. What do you mean exactly alike? I set up all night working this thing out, and you say there isn't any difference. Well, there isn't. There's a big difference. In the first one, when the boys finished singing, I went, Pee-de-dee-poop-poop-poop-poop. Uh-huh. And in the second one, I went, Poo-de-dee-poop-poop-poop-poop-poop. Who called me to decide between Pee-de-dee and Poo-de-dee? Which way do you like it better? Well... Well, that's the first way. No, you already reached a decision. Good. What is it? It is my considered opinion that nothing, no nothing, beats Harry von Zell. I'm, uh... I'm sorry about this interruption, Mr. Martindale. Oh, that's quite all right, Mr. Benny. Now, I'll answer any questions, and then you can give me the $5,000 my Aunt Matilda left to me. Uh, Jack. Huh? Jack, come here a minute. What is it, Mary? Jack, Bob and I have been talking it over. If your Aunt Matilda never saw you, why should she leave you all that money? Because she was my own flesh and blood. Jack, if she had any of your blood, she wouldn't leave anything to anybody. Oh, quiet. Okay, Mr. Martindale, I'll answer those questions now. Very well. Mr. Benny, were you born in Waukegan, Illinois? Yes, yes. You see, Mary, you see, it's me. It's me. And at the age of six, you started to practice a musical instrument. That's right. That's right. That's right. That instrument was... The violin. The violin. Violin. Violin. I still play the violin. The violin. I play the violin. Now, the fiddle. The fiddle. The violin. You, uh... You graduated from Central Elementary School and went to Waukegan High School. That's right. That's right. That's right. Right, right, right. At the age of 17, you left Waukegan, became an actor, and went into... Bordable. I went into Bordable. Bordable. Bordable. I played the violin in my... in the Bordable. That's right. That's right. Right, right, right. Mr. Benny, I'm sure that further questioning is unnecessary. I'm firmly convinced that you're the man we're looking for. Where's the money? Where's the money? The money. Where's the money? Oh, oh, uh, just a minute. Here's one question I neglected to check. Uh, how old are you? 39. 39. Well, that's strange. Every other answer seemed to fit, but the Jack Benny we're looking for was born in 1894. Now that would make him 59. Hmm. But Mr. Martindale, it must be me. There was no other Jack Benny born in Waukegan who plays a violin. I'm sorry, but the Jack Benny we're looking for, who gets this $5,000, was born in 1894, and is 59 years old. Hmm. 59? This is a tale well calculated to keep you in suspense. Mr. Martindale, I'm sorry, but I'm not the Jack Benny you're looking for. I am only 39. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Benny. I was hoping my search was over. Now, good day. Goodbye, Mr. Martindale. Uh, Jack. Uh, Jack. Jack. What is it, Mary? I can't believe what I just heard. What do you mean you can't believe it? Jack, all you had to do was to say you were 59 and you would have gotten the money. Uh-huh. But by insisting that you were 39, you lost $5,000. That's right. I can't understand it. Why? Mary, I may not be a spent thrift, but I know a bargain when I see one. Where else can you buy 20 years for $5,000? Gentlemen, our forests are among our most vital resources. Last year through carelessness, forest fires destroyed millions of acres of valuable timber. This shameful waste weakens America. Protect our forests. Don't toss away lighted matches or cigarettes. Make sure every campfire is completely out. Remember only you can prevent forest fires. Thank you. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment. But first, nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And remember, luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For lucky strike means lime tobacco. Richard's tasting lime tobacco. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike. Lucky strike. Friends, it just stands to reason. The cigarette for you to smoke is the one that tastes better. Because when all is said and done, nothing, no nothing, beats better taste. And luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, and smoother. Here's why. Luckies better taste really begins with fine tobacco. Most anyone can tell you L-S-M-F-T, lucky strike means fine tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco with a wonderful aroma and an even better taste. And luckies also taste better because they're made better. They're made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. They're just made better to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother tasting smoke. So enjoy the better taste that only fine tobacco and a better made cigarette can give. When you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes another program and we'll be with you next week. Excuse me. Hello? Yes, this is Jack Benny. Yes, Fred Allen is going to be my guest on my television program next Sunday, April 19th. That's right. What? Yes, yes, he'll get paid in cash right after the show. You're welcome. Jack, who is that? The manager of the hotel where Fred's staying. Good night, folks. Be sure to hear the American Way with Horace Hyde for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. Jack Benny's program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network.