 When a child's behaviour is concerning us, maybe they're self-harming or they're really struggling to attend school, but we don't understand what's at the heart of the issue. How can we understand why this is happening? That's the topic we're going to be looking at in today's podcast. Let's dive straight in. Now, when there's any kind of behaviour that we are seeing from our child that worries us, that challenges us, that distresses us, that is, of course, of concern of any kind, then we may well want to follow various different steps and strategies and techniques and what have you to try and change that behaviour, to try to help our child to feel better, to try to make things be a little bit different for them. That's only really going to work in the medium and the long term if we can get to the heart of what's actually underlying the behaviour. So the question I find myself returning to again and again and again is what need is being met? Now, sometimes this is a fairly straightforward thing and it's quite obvious or your child's able just to tell you. Sometimes it's not at all obvious and you might have a child, for example, who's really really struggling to go to school, but they're not actually able to tell you yet why. So we're going to explore lots of different ways of just trying to get to the heart of the issue and try to understand what's going on with my child, why am I seeing this behaviour that worries me, why are they not themselves right now, what's wrong. So we're going to explore a few different ideas. As ever, cherry pick, take the ones that you think will work for you and use them and ignore the ones that don't and maybe squirrel some of them away for another time in case things change or you need a different strategy. So the first idea we're going to explore is get old listening. We come back to listening all the time and I've got entire podcasts and whole resources on it, but this is the most helpful thing that we can do for our child. If the stuff going on with them, we don't really know what it is yet. Maybe they don't really know what it is yet. Actually just creating an environment where listening and exploration can happen is probably the most helpful thing that you can do. So this is about becoming the best kind of listener. We need to create an environment where our child can tell their story. It's not about our perception of what's going on for them, it's about them having the space, the time and the safety to actually begin to explore their own story. You must be careful not to lead them too much because if you lead them, it will sometimes become about your story rather than theirs. So if you're their parent, their carer, their teacher and adult who they trust and respect, then sometimes they will be led by your version of events even if it doesn't actually ring true with what's happening for them. So this is about creating enough space for them to do the talking or the communicating in whichever way feels right to them. So as the adult, as the listener here, your sort of number one thing is to listen and you'll know if you're getting it broadly right because you'll be doing more listening than talking. So if that balance isn't right and you're doing more of the talking and less of the listening, then we need to be thinking about how we can rejig things a little bit. So a few tips for listening and as I say, I've got whole podcasts on this and whole other resources. So we won't go in too, too deep today, but just a few reminders. If we want to be a great listener, we're going to focus. So we're going to close all those open brain tabs and we're going to be just with this conversation here right now. Anything else in the world matters, even if it's just for five minutes. All those close brain tabs close, we're going to focus. We're going to be curious. We're going to ask all the questions and we'll think a bit more about that in a moment about good questions and prompting and stuff like that. But we're going to step into their world and we're going to ask all the questions that we have. We're going to be curious. We're going to ask with a spirit of curiosity, what's your tone here? So not, why did you do that? But why did you do that? Like it's a genuine question. I wonder what would happen if it's, it's, it's trying to inject that playful curiosity rather than that sort of animus curiosity. I keep using the word curiosity, which doesn't exist, but I kind of like it. So they, we don't want them to feel judged or like we're angry or any of the negative things. We want them to feel like we're interested. We're kind of like an explorer alongside them wondering why, what, how. So try to inject that light playful tone into your voice. I think a lot about tone of voice because it's something that I have to consciously consider as an autistic person. I think my kind of natural would be like deadpan. And because I think about it a lot, then I realize the power of getting it right, I guess. So if it's not something you struggle with, just actually focus in on it a little bit in these really important conversations and notice the difference it makes when you're really curious and playful in your tone. It just creates a bit of a different atmosphere with the child that you're supporting. We're going to validate. We're going to identify and we're going to acknowledge their feelings and their experiences. So we're going to notice how their feeling sounds like that made you feel really angry or it looks like you're feeling quite frustrated today. That kind of emotion coaching approach where we name the feelings is helpful. A, because the child might not have readily identified them. So we name them, but in the spirit of curiosity. So if we've got it wrong or they've got a different idea, they can correct us. And it also validates how they're feeling and we need to offer them reassurance that it's okay that they feel like that. And sometimes that looks like saying, gosh, yes, I find that really frustrating too. Or it's okay that you feel angry about this. It's okay to be angry. It's helpful to reassure them. Reflecting can be helpful. So this is where we take what they have said and we're going to put it into our own words. This is magic because it shows that we were listening. We can't translate what they've said into our own words unless we were paying attention. So it shows that we're here, that we've heard them. But also these provide really nice little opportunities for the child to correct you if you're wrong, as long as you invite that. So I think if I've understood this correctly that what you're saying is that we fill in the gaps in our own words. And we invite them to let us know if we've got it wrong. So do let me know if I've got this wrong. Sometimes I get things wrong. So let me know. We've got to create that culture where it's all right for them to correct us. Otherwise they end up going along with our story. But that reflection, showing our understanding, giving them chance to let us know if we have misunderstood, really helpful. Means you're all singing from the same hymn sheet and they know you're fully on board and listening in this conversation. And then finally, when it comes to listening, silence. Allow the tumbleweed to go by. Silence is an amazing tool. When we acquire, the child will jump in and tell their story, rather than it all being about us leading the conversation, asking all the questions. So sometimes we just need to sit with the silence. It's not as awkward for them as it is for you. Like for you, if you're sat there, the silence is all encompassing. You feel that urge to jump in because we don't like it as humans. But for them, there might be a hell of a lot of noise going on in the head. They might be really frantically grappling for the right word to describe this thing they've never spoken about. They might have 800 different thoughts about whether you're judging them. What's going to happen next? What's the best way of saying this? What would other people think? You know, millions and millions of different thoughts. Or they might just be feeling generally anxious, panicked, worried and just need a little bit of space to kind of calm things down. So those are your kind of listening tips. And then there's also it's worth thinking about in terms of listening before we move on. Just worth thinking about how to create good listening moments. So particularly if you're listening to this as a parent or care or someone who lives with a child, trying to find little moments in the day when your child can get used to the idea that this is a moment when mom, dad, my guardian is available to me if I need to open up. So just being consistently there at certain times can be really, really helpful because then they know I've got this thing that's really weighing me down. But actually, I know dad's always, you know, in the car listening to me when we're on the way back from rugby practice on a Tuesday. So maybe I try talking to him then he won't have any other distractions. So just knowing that there are moments will give your kids points where they could start the conversation if they want to. So some moments that can work, those kind of listening moments, walking and talking. So any opportunity to walk with your child can be great. Those silences we talked about feel better when you're walking as well. Like there's other stuff going on. They don't feel so awkward. You're walking in step with each other, walking in step with someone as well. Just more generally, super powerful thing to do because you're like in sync. It just feels really good to a child when an adult that they love or trust or care about or respect is walking in step with them and alongside them. It's like this really powerful sort of metaphorical message as well as a literal one. I'm here by your side, but we're walking together. We're doing this together. And the actual act of walking is very regulating as well. So that can mean that we're better able to access our thinking speaking brains because we start to calm as we walk and our breathing goes in sync. And it's good. Walking is great. So find opportunities to walk with your child. Maybe you're going to walk the dog. Maybe you're going to get in the habit if your child is, I don't know, in the midst of revision of taking a 10 minute walk around the block together just to blow the cobwebs away and get some fresh air. That's a good idea anyway. Maybe there's short commute to a club or to school that you could do together sometimes just finding a few minutes to do that walk. If even if you don't really need to make a really big difference. My daughter, Ellie, and I found that even though she was a big girl now and didn't really need to be walked to secondary school, most days I would do it with her because she liked me doing that. I liked doing that. And it was a great opportunity for us to talk about what was on her mind, particularly as she was really struggling with school. You can build in a chat habit. So just getting in a habit of having a chat at the same time each day, have a think in your day about what might work there. So just before bed might be good. They don't go too deep just before bed. You might want to shelf ideas for another day, but making yourself available to your child just before bed for a little chat, maybe over breakfast, maybe in the commute to school or clubs. Just thinking about where are their moments in my day where I could disengage from everything else, focus in on my child and just be truly 100 percent there for them so that they know that that time each day or those times each week they've got you if they need you in the car is another great one. So any time that you're travelling alongside can feel less confrontational for a child, they also know they've got your undivided attention because you're driving the car, but other than that, they've got you. So this is a really good time for them to bring up and explore things that might be hard because they know that you're not doing the eight thousand other things on your to-do list. You could also just get busy alongside them. So if your child kind of works or uses screens, for example, in like a more public part of the house, then maybe you could be cleaning in that room. Or sometimes I would like sit and knit in the room that my child was doing their homework, doing something where you're like busy. So it's not really not sitting there waiting for them to talk, but you're sort of you're busy, but with a task that is eminently interruptible that your child knows that either you can carry on doing whilst they were to talk to you or which they know that you won't mind putting down. So you're not busy with your work kind of thing. You're busy cleaning, putting away, ironing, knitting, reading, something that they know you wouldn't mind if they were to interrupt. That can be helpful. You just make yourself available. They might not call on you, but just remind them every now and then that anytime you want to chat, I'm here and that can really help. And then finally, you could agree signal with your child. So if your child sometimes does need to talk to you, but they find it hard to start those conversations, then you might agree a signal together. So my kids, when they were little, I don't know how this developed. My kids, when they were little, if they wanted to talk to me about something big in terms of friendship or anything kind of PSHE related, so like anything to do with sex, basically, and relationships and that kind of thing. They had these Hello Kitty earmuffs earmuffs that they would put on. And if one of them was wearing these Hello Kitty earmuffs, then I knew this was my sign that Lyra and Ellie wanted me to make a little bit of time and have a chat with them about something that was going to be probably a bit embarrassing for them. But that was that was their sign to me. And then I was like, right, great, I know I've got to make the time. We can have a chat. I honestly don't know how that developed. It just did, but it was super helpful and meant that whenever a chat was needed, one could be had. You might not have Hello Kitty earmuffs, but there might be other ways that you can do this. So it might be like an emoji that they text you, for example, that just, you know, you might agree something that basically is saying, I want to talk and you just agree it. And then that's your child's sign. You know, you have this conversation once and then that's your child's sign that I'd really like a chat, actually. Please, it might be something that they leave on their door. In school, we do things like say, you know, if you've got a red pencil on your desk and that means that you need help. There's loads of different things that you can think of, but just agreeing something between the two of you. That means I'd really appreciate a chat when you've got five minutes. Please, can make a big difference. So we've thought about being a good listener and how to create those opportunities for talking. The thing that we can do in these conversations is think about our use of open questions. So asking open questions is a really good way of trying to get to the why, trying to understand what's actually going on with our child. So open questions are any questions that can't be answered with a one word or like really short answer. So yes, no, three days, 12, anything that's not like that, essentially, where they will invite the person who's speaking to dive a little bit more deeply and provide a bit more detail in their answer. That's an open question. So you might like with conversations with your child, you might not dive straight into like really, really deep big questions. You might start with other questions just to sort of warm them up. But there's loads and loads of really good open questions that you could be asking your child. So things like what would happen if or I wonder why and inviting them to fill the blank. Can you tell me more about in what way could you're going to have to imagine filling the blanks in here? And there is a written resource that I will link to that you can download as well that's got all these in as well. So I don't feel like you're going to remember them all. But you get the idea anyway, what do you think about? What do you think so and so thinks about X? How did that happen? What could be done differently? Can you think of other ways to? What worked well? So you basically these are these are questions that open up the conversation rather than shutting it down. These questions where you're inviting your child to have a think and dive into what they are going to say. And you might then kind of prompt them to continue by asking more open questions. Sometimes if things get really heavy, you might need to ask the occasional kind of closed questions, shorter, easier question just to give them a bit of a breather. But these questions that invite big thinking, this is where the magic will start to happen and you'll begin to really understand what's going on for your child. Chances are they don't necessarily really get it either. And if they haven't explored this with someone else or in some other means like through journaling, they may well be finding their way. So the more kind of questions that we can ask to explore what's going on with them, the more understanding they will gain of themselves and the more understanding and turn that you will gain of them. You can dive even deeper with your questioning and go for like really, really big exploratory questions. And some of these might try to like really get to the heart of some of the tough stuff. You can ask these verbally, but I actually also find sometimes writing them down or printing them off. So I've got various resources where you can create and print questions or use ones that I've created and then explore them and answer them together, having almost like a prompt that feels like it's come in from the outside. It's like a third party prompt that you can discuss can feel quite helpful here. And it gives you both something to explore rather than it just being, you know, it's a slightly different way of having the conversation. So for example, I've got a little sheet here that again, I'll be in the resource that I'll link to. But these are questions that you could print off and then look to answer together and they say things like, can you tell me about the first time you hurt yourself? So these these are questions around self-harm, but you could do them at any topic. In what way would you like things to feel or be different? So these are big exploratory kind of questions and you could explore your thoughts on this as well, like either what you wish could be different for your child or what you wish could be different for yourself. And how do you feel before you self-harm? Have you noticed any patterns or triggers to yourself harm? Does hurting yourself make you feel better in any way? Can you try to explain it? What do you think other people think? What do you think I think? That is a question I would highly recommend. What do you think I think it will sometimes be a bit upsetting because you will find that your child is kind of thinking that you're going to be judging or upset with them or angry when perhaps you're really just feeling compassionate and perhaps a little bit sad or confused. But if you ask them to explore bravely what they think you think, then you can actually help to kind of course correct and stuff. So I really, really love that question and it means that you can remind them that you love them unconditionally and that you're not judging them and you're right here by their side. So these these kinds of deeper exploratory questions don't be scared to go there, but do warm up first. I wouldn't jump straight into these big, deep, gnarly questions because, well, they require a full body warm up. Like I would never go climbing and do a really, really big challenging climb without doing a few warm up climbs first or my body would break. Your brain is going to break if you're going to jump straight into this really hard stuff. And we might just find that those conversations aren't so good. So in the same way I'd fall off the wall, you might kind of fall out of the conversation because it just doesn't quite get there because you're not kind of warmed up. Another thing I find really helpful when trying to get to the heart of the matter is lists. So I love to make a list. They can be a really interesting way to explore your child's experience of the world and they can feel a little bit less intimidating than kind of free writing or general conversation because they give like a structure and they feel a little bit finite. So you can make lists about pretty much anything and you can start with some kind of light hearted ones to get you going if you want to. So like your favourite films or the best ice cream flavours or anything really, but you can then kind of up the ante a little bit and use your list to explore triggers or challenges or things that make you happy or things that make you angry or places you feel safe or anything really that kind of tries to get to the heart of either what the problem is or what might help or what doesn't help. So they can be used in multiple, multiple different ways. And once you've made a list, if you physically write it down, the other thing you can do is kind of rank and reorder it and things like that as well. So you might say have done a list of, I don't know, say you were doing a light hearted one, you might say, you know, my five films that I love and then you might reorder them into a top five or you might say if you could only watch one of those forever, which one would it be? Or you might have a list of things that make you angry. So 10 things that make me angry. And then we might say, OK, let's put them in order. Which are the top three? And then that gives us an idea. If we've got the top three there, let's pick one of those to actually think about first and see if there's anything we can do that might actually change that. So lists are fantastic. Just use them as a way in as a tool and then think about ranking and reordering them. I also can find it helpful to think about lists within different contexts. So, for example, if we were trying to explore ideas to help. So things that make me feel calm. I might think with a child about things that make me feel calm at school and things that make me feel calm at home. Because what we're able to access and do in one setting might be different than in the other. Likewise, if I'm trying to get to the part of why my child feels so anxious that they can't attend, then I might be exploring things that trigger my anxiety in school versus at home or at the beginning of the day versus at the end of the day and things like that. So, yeah, lists are fab. And then another sort of related thing that you can do is sort of rating and ranking exercises. So talk to before about taking the list and actually putting in a different order. But the other thing you can do is kind of take statements and then give them a score from one to 10 or take a whole bunch of statements that you can, again, if you want to, it feels a bit like you're being a teacher, even if you're a parent or a carer here, but it can really work. Having physical resources with your child print out a bunch of statements and then reorder them. So I've got a resource that I often share, which, again, is in the one that I'll link out to for you, where we've got statements like I feel well supported. I've got good coping strategies. I've got a lot of worries. I've got adults I can trust. There are places I feel safe. Sometimes I feel calm or happy. I often feel angry. Like a whole bunch of statements, essentially, which are some positive and some negative, but that try to a little bit get to the heart of things with kids. And I would either ask them to rank these one to 10 or I would have them and chop them all up and then actually get them put them in the order of how strongly they feel each of those things. And then they give us a jumping off point for further conversation. You see, that's the kind of thing. And they get our child understanding that we get that there are some challenges here. And if, as you're doing these kinds of exercises, the conversation begins to happen, then just jump in and go with it. Get your curious mind on, ask the open questions and begin to dig deeper and explore. Anything can act as a way in. So try not to get too tied up in if you're using like this kind of resource as a means to facilitating the conversation. If the conversation starts to naturally happen, then step away from that resource and jump in to the conversation as it evolves. Don't feel you've got to carry on and finish the activity. You can always come back to it. It's not a problem. This is a means rather than an end in and of itself. And then finally, I find that it's really helpful to have in your back pocket, just a few kind of favorite phrases that will encourage more talk to happen. So as those conversations are unfolding, just having some words or phrases that you kind of come back to that facilitate and support the conversation. So this is about enabling the child to tell the story rather than it keeps on bouncing back to us. So if they are beginning to make progress and they're beginning to open up and explore about something, ideally what we want to happen is for that to continue to allow them to keep on exploring this issue, to go deeper, go wider, become more curious and to get to the bits that they haven't ever perhaps explored even for themselves before. And one of the ways we can do that is with small words or phrases which just prompts them to continue. This lets them know that we're engaged, that we are still interested and that we want to hear more and sometimes it gives a bit of a direction. So these are simple things like why? Be careful when you're using the word why about how it sounds. So going back to that idea about our tone, why can sound accusatory? Why? But it can also sound really curious and friendly? Why? Where it's like, I really want to know more about that. I wonder why that happened. So and that one word can be the thing that triggers a whole new load of conversation from your child. They can go deeper just with a simple why. However, the wrong kind of why, why can shut down the conversation in an instant. So just watch your tone there a little bit. But just the word why, great, great, great way to prompt further talk if asked in the right way. Other phrases I use a lot, so tell me more or keep going. Just literally instructing the other person that I want to know more about this. So say more is something I say all the time. So tell me more, say more, keep going. Just a gentle encouragement that, yeah, I'm still listening. I'm still here. I'm all about this story. Please tell me the next installment. What happened next? How did that feel? The therapist's favorite question. And I feel like a div every time I say it because how did that feel? It's just so cliched. But you know what? It's cliched for a reason because it gets some really interesting answers. And you can have a little laugh about it. If it's something that you and the person that you're supporting finds a little bit cliched, then you can do the, hmm, and how did that feel? But that's okay. It kind of keeps the conversation hearted, but it doesn't stop them from continuing and diving in. You can do things like asking about things from different points of view. What do you think your friend was thinking at this point? Or what would be another way of looking at this? What do you think I would have said if I was there? So looking at things from different points of view can help to keep the conversation going and explore it a bit more deeply. What's that expected? Did anything surprise you? Do you think they did the right thing? Again, all interesting questions. Just exploring things from different points of view, different eventualities. Would you do it that way again? Again, watch your tone with this kind of question when we're exploring something that's happened. But essentially saying to our child, do you think you did the right thing? And we want them to know that we're not judging them. We're just genuinely curious. Do you think what you did was actually kind of helpful, the right thing to do? Would you do it that way again? Rather than would you do it that way again? Which might sound like you did it wrong. We're never trying to say you did it wrong. We're trying to say, I wonder if there's a different way. I wonder if that was the most helpful way. Do you think it was a good thing to do? You know, we're trying to explore, be curious. And then on that note, we might also be asking questions like, what went really well? Or what could have been even better in order to explore things? So you'll find your favorites. I just shared a whole bunch with you. Really pretty much the one I always use is say more when someone is talking because I just want people to continue. And often it takes very little prompting for someone actually to continue. The thing that you'll find is that the more that you listen, the more that people want to talk, even a child who is exploring something really, really challenging for the first time. And they might seem quite reluctant to start the conversation. Once they've warmed up appropriately, you will often find that their desire to actually pick apart and explore this is massive. People love to talk. And it's such a helpful way of beginning to pick apart what's going on for us that once we get going, it really can be hard to stop almost. So we just want to prompt that conversation to continue. So a whole bunch of different ideas there really for you to work on with your child. A few things just to kind of wrap up with that can make it work really well. So first of all is if you can try and get into a bit of a habit as a listener. So even if your child doesn't need you right now, maybe you listen to this podcast out of kind of general interest rather than you've got pressing concern. Getting into a habit of regular listening. So your child knows that you are a good listener, that you do care what they have to say and that you're not judgmental. And that perhaps there are certain times in the day and the week when they've got your undivided attention. So that if there was something that they wanted to chat with you about more deeply that they could do. So trying to get into a habit. Being open and honest with your child more generally, just thinking about the tenets of that relationship that you have with the child. If you are someone who is having an authentic, open, honest, non-judgmental relationship with your child, this will much more naturally open itself up to them being able to talk to you about the tough stuff. In particular, they must know that you're going to love them unconditionally and that you're not going to judge them based on the things that they have said or that they have done. This then creates an environment where when there are challenges, there are issues and sometimes that will mean that your child has done something that they're not so proud of that they feel that they can come and they can talk to you about it. And finally, love out loud. So I just mentioned your child needs to know that you love them unconditionally but they need to hear you say that and they need to hear you say it often and they need you to show them and they need to be reminded they need you to write it down or text it to them or do something that just reminds them, I love you. Because sometimes when our children are struggling they do not love themselves and they do not imagine anyone else ever could love them no matter how deeply you do. So remind them, reassure them, love them out loud they really need to hear this. Sometimes their struggles are so significant and their love of themselves is so little that they need you to do enough loving for both of you just for a little while. So love out loud. I really hope there were some helpful ideas in here that will help you to have some good conversations with the child you had in mind. If you'd like to support my work you can do so by sharing it. You can do so by joining me over on Patreon for a pound a month or you can do so by inviting me to speak at your next event. Until next time, over and out.