 Yes, Quince Wednesday is still running. My name is Barry Moses or it's by more social media. And I guess it's that time, the time you've all been waiting for that time for the conversation on our Facebook page. We asked you guys a question. What are the most common causes of breakups? And due to that matter, I have some guests in studio with me who are going to help me demystify from Berlin or Dede is our first guest and Esther Mongurei. I hope I got that right. So your camera is number four. We can kick it off, but you guys just introducing yourself. If I left something out, you can include it in your titles. Let's start with you, Berlin. Okay, my name is Berlin of Dede. I'm a student of life, just like I said earlier on, but I major so much on communication. Communication is your specialty. Yes. All right, this is not your first time, as I know you're used to this. How about you? You cover it. This is not for me. This is for the viewers at home. My name is Esther Mongurei. I am currently working as a website developer and also a graphic designer. And I do a lot of things. You do a lot of things. You're a jack of so many trades. I'm a jack of all trades. All right. Let's just say so many trades. So many trades. So, we have this topic at hand. I've had a lot of things to say on Facebook, but I won't focus on that yet. I'd like to get your perspectives on this. Problems exist in relationships. We know that for a fact. All right. So before we get to the part of breaking up, what are some of the mistakes people make while getting into relationships or while convincing themselves that they're actually in love with so-and-so when they're just in other things about their own love. Maybe we can serve them better. Okay. But the real thing overconfidence overconfidence is a problem. Yeah. And over excitement. Over excitement. And over expectations. Everything is over. Over. Over. Over. Over. Over. Excitement. We'll get back to excitement, but let's just get. All right. Yeah. Let me, you get into a relationship expecting too much. And then when you don't meet expectations, you get disappointed and then you just feel that no. All right. So over expectations, you expect too much. All right. Expecting less means you're going to lower your standards as well. Am I right? Yeah. Yes, you are. So how much is of expecting? Okay. In life, everything should be, you should do things moderately. All right. If you meet somebody maybe years, at least at some equilibrium, you find that, okay, if I get these, I'm okay. If I don't, I'm okay. But if you just make it so rigid that this is what this man must meet, then I think at the end of it, you must get hurt or you will break out. All right. So over, over, over. Over expectations, over, over confidence, over excitement. All right. I'm guessing if I'm over excited, it means I'm attracted to this person designing in him, but which is a good thing. Not really. Sometimes, not really. Sometimes we have the issue of infatuation where you get to, like it's almost the same thing that she's saying where you are over excited. So you really don't know if it's love or you just, or you just want something else from this relationship. So you might get in and then two months down the line, you're like, no. This was a mixed mistake. Yeah, this was a mistake. All right. So over, over, we should not do things over. Always find a balance. Balance. All right. But what happens when this person makes you feel that way? Feel over excited. You know, when we are in a relationship with you, you cannot define my emotion. I will not allow you. Yeah. If I, you want to tell me that, oh, you know, Berlin, I love you so much. Okay. You continue loving me, but they were received that love solely depend on me. So I cannot take the over. I'll just take the ones that I think I need. You continue over loving me. If you could like, you can even kill yourself. That's not my problem. But I'll just take the portion that I need. Yes. Just take the portion that you need, even when somebody's given that offer, if they're giving it in abundance. All right. So one time I had a guest here, they told me Nigerian men know how to love their women. They give you over this, they shower you with this and that. Do you mean to tell me ladies don't love being showered with love? It is a notion. We do like being showered with love. The only, like I say, the only challenge we, in the beginning or what you usually think that you need from a relationship. So you might, you might decide that you will start in, you start a relationship with this person who is offering you gifts, is love, she knew everything that you need. Then you get into the relationship and then now you're like, Oh, I need love. Oh, I need friendship. I need communication. But the guy is like, I'm giving you. This is how we started. We started off with gifts. Let's keep it at gifts. Let's keep it at gifts. So if you are going to, it needs to be consciously a choice where you're like, I want gifts or I want love. All right. Thank you very much for that one. So I have a list here that was compiled and these are some of the causes of breakups after, after people get into a relationship. So one is bad behavior. This is assuming that until you guys got into a relationship or you overlooked a lot of things in the process, you ended up with somebody who was behaviors that you probably don't like. Oh, another thing could be, I don't know, some people are just good liars. Yeah. Have you met them? Yeah. All right. So bad behavior, how can bad behavior be a cause of relationship? And you decide to get into a relationship with someone that you at least know. I think. Okay. One thing I think we really have to understand here, love, this word, this four letter word love, to me, it's real meaning has not been established. It is a, it is a notion that I'm in love, in love with what or with who? You know, somebody comes like you are trying to give us the example of the Nigerian men. It is just a notion that they know how to love. Those people hate. This is third hand information. I was told by somebody else. This is to me, it is wrong. That's why it is a personal choice. I'll only pick what I want from you. Even though I'm in love, but whatever you offer, not necessarily that I have to pick everything from you. You see, I have just to pick what I think is good for my heart because I have something here that I must protect. I must protect with all my sweat. That's my heart because when it's broken, sometimes it takes you time to pick it back again. So it doesn't matter whether you give me a jeep or what. Yeah, you must tell me what you, what is behind this jeep. You know, you don't just handle things to me, then I accept. Yeah, that's why sometimes it is rare maybe to find a woman rejecting a gift, but it is good for your heart. Because somebody will give you a gift. Then it starts controlling you. They have expectations. Yes. This jeep, it must be like this. These are the places you have to go with this. Then they go away with your jeep. Yeah, need some freedom. That's why I'll pick what I want. You pick what you want. All right. Maybe you can list some of these bad behaviors that you think a man shouldn't have. Yeah, there are things that I think we may just... Just basic things from... Some people are just too much into these Tuatua things. Yeah, according to me, in a relationship, whenever he finds you in the toilet, in the house, in a Tuatua... Oh, okay. But people are different. Drives are different. People have different drives and people are born different. So you can't judge somebody for being the way they are. I'm guessing. Yeah, I can't judge, but I'll pick what I want still. All right. In the long run. So that is something you can't stand. Somebody who's just always like a goat. All right. What is another thing that you can't stand about a man? Some people are just dirty. Some people are just dirty. A.G. is very important. One. Seven ones. Okay. Or he meets you. He just wants to mention things the way they are. Sometimes you get... I'm starting to learn who belliness with time. All right. So that is very important to you. In a Tuatua etiquette. Let's call it etiquette. Some personal etiquette is very important to you. What are some of the behaviors you can stand in a guy? Some of the common ones that we have. Hmm. I think for me it's things like heavy drinking. Heavy drinking is... Yeah. Okay. Drinking is not bad. Heavy. Drinking is not bad, but heavy drinking is bad. Where you get to a point now you had things planned. Everything was planned. You even had fees planned or something like that. And this person decides to go. And the reason is because of drinking. So anything... I believe anything that is overboard. So we go back to balance. Everything that is overboard. Whether it's drinking, smoking, drug abuse. All right. You focus on drug. Have you had experience with a drug abuser? That is possible. I've had. You've had. Yeah. I've had. Not me, but I've had of people who have been in that experience. With drug abusers. So this guy could be everything else. Loving. Charming. Yeah. Yes. But drugs will cut him up. Yes. Drugs will take him away. But one thing I would like to say when it comes to the reason why people break up is I would like to talk about compatibility. Most people break up because they're not compatible. So we look, we have this list checklist, but you really don't know who you are. You have a checklist from, you got it from the internet. You have a checklist that you got it from your friend. But you don't have a checklist for yourself. For yourself. Your self-awareness. Yes. So when you get to know who you really are, and now you are ready to interact now with other people, you get to look for the things that you really need. All right. My friend says she can't stand a stingy man. But that is your size of mind. I'd like to get to this point of cheating. Cheating is one major cause of breakups in relationships. Recently, I saw a blog post that had one of our gospel celebrities say cheating is a minor offense. It's cheating a minor offense, especially for men. It's a major offense. It's a capital offense. In fact, even biblically, it's not supposed to be mentioned. If you know you want to jump around, please jump around. It's in the 10 command. Do not commit. Biblically, it is wrong. I doubt it. Commandment number? Yes, that way. So cheating is a no-no. How about you? Cheating is a no-no. Yeah. Okay. When we come to thinking about these problems that you have in breakups, and then we pick them one by one, it's funny how when you get to be with, for one person, cheating is a no-no. But with someone else, you might reconsider. Have you ever been in such a situation? I don't think so. Sometimes, sometimes... But I've seen such situations. Yes. Sometimes you know so well that some of these things are a no-no to you. But when you get involved with someone, it might even take place maybe 20 years down the line. And what will you do when it's 20 years down the line? You've been good all along. Yeah. So now it's happening now, 20 years down the line. And this person has a genuine reason... For cheating. Yeah, for cheating. For cheating. Maybe they have a genuine reason. Sometimes it's a no-no. Sometimes it's a no-no. Exactly. I feel like when you get to be with someone, if you are getting along and you've been doing it for a while, if someone falls off the wagon, let's say you as a lady or you as a man decide to get more involved with something else, say work. And you've been communicated to about this frequently. She's telling you, hey, what's happening, why aren't you taking time to be with me, to be with us? And then it's still going on and on and on. If that happens, cheating happens, what are you going to say about it? All right. So what are you saying people need to take responsibility? Yes. So sometimes cheating is not the fault of the cheating only. This is what you're trying to say. Exactly. It's not... But it is a decision made by the cheat. It takes two to tangle. It takes two to tangle. So even when you're getting into this relationship with a cheater, what exactly were you looking for? If you're looking for being showered with gifts and then he goes cheats on you. Okay. I get your point. That's a valid point right there. You get what I'm trying to say. I'm getting your point right there. But remember, we have this conversation on Facebook. So you're free to contribute as well. WhiteFive4 on Twitter, WhiteFive4 on Instagram and WhiteFive4 on Facebook. Okay. So we have this situation where you said it takes two to tangle. It takes two to tangle. It takes two to tangle. The lens used to be very opposed to this. But what I didn't want to agree with that there's a reason to cheat. Then maybe along the line you say, anyway, it's just okay. It was justifiable. Sometimes we have to go with the biblical statutes. Whatever God says, you cannot say otherwise. He says it is wrong too. So I cannot say otherwise. You'll be doing it. Yes. It is wrong. It is no. If it is in a marriage, then choose the second wife or third or fourth. So it's not cheating when I tell you, okay, maybe I have wife number two be here. Wife is not cheating. What did Solomon did? But where you want to steal, you want to steal. Then you come and lie to me that all is well. Then I think you are cheating. That is a problem. But you introduce Masi here and tell me that this is your side. You are too busy. You are too busy to work here. Okay, it is a new home. But still sometime you are going to get married and you are going to have Masi. At least you better know. All right, those are very interesting perspectives from the both of you right there. I'd like to close that cap on Jeete. I'd like to get into this point of toxic people. Yes, we've had this time, toxic relationships. These guys are in toxic relationships. What do you think is a cause of toxic relationships? What causes a relationship to be toxic from your perspective? I think the major cause is communication, lack of communication. Lack of communication? Yes, so you... Okay, I'd like to hold you with that. There's a relationship. People are communicating but the form of communication is shouting and throwing glass and punches. Exactly. But they're still communicating. Oh, they're still communicating, yes. Communication is there but the form is... Wrong, it's the wrong communication. Yes, exactly. So now you're asking me what form of communication should be taking place? No, I'm just saying lack of communication. Ah, lack of communication. Oh, okay. Poor communication. Poor communication defines it. Exactly. So this is a major cause of toxic relationships. So poor communication, we should find a way to always communicate. It's flexible. Yeah, when something... There's a subject we need to discuss on. Please just sometimes allow to be corrected. Let me allow to be sometimes corrected. I'm not the one who knows it all. I'm not the one who knows it all. I'm not the one who knows it all because I'm the man. I'm the woman. You don't have a degree or what. Such kind of rigidity. There's communication but it's a wrong communication form of communication. So rigidity, peer, it's an internal toxicity of an equal relationship. Somebody told me when two people are very much alike, chances are they're going to have a toxic relationship. If I'm the kind of guy who likes to be the alpha and the lady also likes to be the alpha, chances are this relationship is going to be toxic. Do you guys agree? That is also a fact. That's the rigidity. You start, you are alpha and omega. I'm most not my alpha and omega. Okay, you seem to be having a different perspective on this. Okay, I agree. Alpha, alpha might lock heads. Better, better, probably nothing will go in the house. Maybe we should have alpha, better, not picking the gender. Not picking the gender. Okay, we should not always have the man as alpha. We can have the alpha female and the man relaxes. Because now where will the better men go? No pun intended. Thank you very much for that one. We have this issue. Humans are born lies, naturally. We are just lies. Even sometimes kids cry and there's nothing really happening to them. They just want that attention. So, honestly, is there anything as 100%?