 Hi, I'm Matthew coast and I'm the head dating coach and founder over at commitment connection comm Thanks for being with us today. If you've never been to our channel before make sure you go down and hit the subscribe button and With me today is Allison Armstrong who actually happens to be my favorite person who teaches in the women's dating in Relationship space if you've never If you've never if you've never heard of Allison before here's what you need to do Okay, first pause this video go to Amazon calm type in keys to the kingdom Buy that book and then also buy the Queen's Code. I Read the Queen's Code and I cried my way through it. It was really really powerful. She's got some of the most amazing authentic Stuff in the women's dating space to help you really connect with a man and make him feel like You know feel like you're really in this together And you're moving towards something together And it's really amazing. So thanks for being with us today, Allison Wow, nobody told me I was gonna get like a whole Refill tank a tank filler just just by that. That was amazing. Thank you so much. I'm I'm thrilled to be here It's a fun conversation commitment. We call it calculus Calculus was a commitment is calculus because it's complicated Well, it's it's complex rather than complicated it I Mean it's you build bridges with calculus and you can't without it, right? And a lot of people just want to go straight to calculus without learning the composite pieces You know calculus is the beginning of the poetry of math, right? And if you can't form sentences yet, you can't go there and It's one of the things that I love about men. I love I Love how most men relate to a commitment It's it's appropriate to bridge building. It's appropriate to lifetimes. It's a appropriate to To matching a dream to reality Right there. We're not just in this little happy layover after it's so wonderful and I love him and he loves me But when it right come comes right down to what we make each other miserable That that can happen so Yeah, so so kind of coming off of that, you know what I know that there's some very Specific ways that men and women think about commitment differently You know what? What do you think some of those differences are between the way that men Think in the way that women think about the topic of commitment Well first I apologize. I thought I'd turned off that noise. Um, oh boy, okay, so main ways main ways you would start with Two Most women most of the time so not all women if you're an exception to this don't worry about that To most women most of the time Love is a sufficient basis for a commitment If I love you and you love me Well, I mean that's all you need right just like the song says so we should commit and How can you say you love me and Not be willing to commit if you're not willing to commit you must not love me So we get into Arguments where he's like, yeah, I love you and I'm not ready to commit. They're separate. No to most women It's not separate love equals commitment and that would be the the first biggest thing and Then the second thing would be I'm thinking of I think I'm thinking of Yoda now, right and Don't try do right and Women tend to be much more Well, if you really loved me you would try Right like well, I'm not sure about being your boyfriend. I I don't think that's going to work out. We'll try Right, so it happens at all levels of commitment that if you have the right feelings about me the right action is to commit and the right action is to be willing to try and It's because women don't understand how Profoundly the differences between away the way that most men most of the time are aware of Limitation aware of a limited amount of energy a limited amount of time a limited amount of resources and that if you waste that at a very Primal level the sense is you will die You you just you don't waste energy on trying you Consciously Spend and invest energy on the things that are worth doing that For as much information as you can gather plus your gut feeling about it You have a very very good chance of succeeding at it and that's where the big disconnect is Because of a man isn't counting just do I have a feeling of love which I'm not sure I trust anyway And she says she has a feeling of love But how do I observe that in real life? She says she has a feeling Okay, but my life on that No, how does she show me that she loves me very different The way we say it is men trust facts not feelings and facts are observable Facts come from trusted sources So men are looking for Observable data that indicates this has an incredibly strong chance of working and Every man's different and you're not in your head. I love that it's so that great. I do every man's different in that The range of investment happening as at this will work because And there'll be observable reasons to I'm sure this will work Because it has worked Which is one of the most common things for men to say when we asked we've asked so many men Why did you marry your wife? Well? Because we've been through so much already together. I knew we could get through anything Right. So a man marries because it has worked Even when it was stressed by real life, it did work. We stayed in the same team. We communicated well I didn't become the enemy and the bad guy in the problem Like, you know, there's all this evidence that men look for that it has worked It will work. It did work in all these circumstances. All right. I'm all in You're not in your head. This makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I you know, it's it's You know everything that you're saying is just this is one of the reasons why I like you so much I mean really it's like you it's almost like you have this like almost surreal mystical understanding about the differences between men and women that just I mean, it just blows my mind and it's it's really beautiful and You know and at the same time, you know when I hear that it's like it's it's it's great And and there's kind of this thing in me where I'm like, okay Well, well, where do we go next? You know, I mean, we're how do we kind of like bridge this divide? Where do we you know if if I if I'm a woman, you know, I like to try to think of like things from You know our our community's perspective like if I was a woman and I'm looking at this thing called man, you know, which which is You know, there's this strange kind of communication and understanding barrier You know, the the meanings of these things are different in our minds Like how do we how do we connect through that? How do we how do we still both get what we want and come through and into partnership? Well, I love that you said mystical understanding Because I started studying men 27 years ago and And a lot of men when I say that they're like, are you slow? We're simple, so you must be slow and And I'm often having to educate men in that you are not simple If you followed a man around and you could see the outside in the inside at the same time You would realize he's constantly reconciling paradoxes Right that that literally every man you meet Could be someone that you would feel the need to kill or Be completely willing to die for every person you could go either direction, right or how extraordinarily beautiful women are to men and and how Part of being a grown man is that you don't show it That every impulse you have to grab her and keep her forever Yes hands at side Tension can be felt in your body as a vibration if somebody's pain really close attention But your your master concealers and And the more you care the more you conceal and What I try to do to bridge the gap is to To teach women how to see someone who's so different, right? Stop Expecting a man to act like a woman or a woman to act like a man and Actually, you know get the wax out of your ears and pull the blinders off your eyes and Be curious right be curious about men because about women because about this man this woman, right? because we I mean oh my gosh the volumes of Information that we have from studying you We can we have come up with some conclusions and I mean I think you're mentioning The kingdom and the queen's code is because some of our most important conclusions are in their stories and Then every man there's a customization like we teach women how to ask a man for what she needs and It's printed out in a handout. We tell her take it to him And say okay, these are the steps and if I was doing this the way that worked for you What would it be like and it's funny Matthew because we've had men go it could not Possibly take nine steps to tell a man what you need That's ridiculous and then as we go through each step and talk about what happens if you don't do it Okay, I guess you actually need all those so The shorter answer, which I'm not very good at short answers. How do we bridge it? We have to be curious We have to We have to set aside. I know already I Think you have to be endlessly curious I mean next month is my 25th wedding anniversary and I'm still curious about who am I married to? Who am I married to as a man and who am I married to as a person? Who who are you and we didn't say that to each other who are you and Also, and you you would already know this from having read those books The assumption that the other person isn't crazy Isn't a jerk isn't irresponsible isn't Defending themselves when they're not being attacked, right? The we have to we have we have to grant We have to even if it's a risk we have to grant. They're a good person with good reasons and Stop saying why didn't you? Why don't you what's wrong with you that you won't come in? What's right with you that you won't commit? What are the I would love to know the legitimate reasons why you won't commit? I'm really curious because they must be smart If we go that way about it then then bridges can build including finding out the legitimate reason That women will drown you in details And I have to tell you the backstory of their answers What if that they have a good reason for that too Yeah, I you know Man that that was great. Well said. It's You know the thing that I really like about what you just said is it's It's this perspective shift, you know, and it's this this new way of looking at things where You know, it's funny being in the the women's dating space because it's like You know when I first kind of got in here And one of the reasons why I was drawn so much to your work Was because a lot of it's kind of this manipulative like, you know, I'm gonna get what I want We have to fight each other, you know until one of us breaks and you know, I get what I want or you know Like where I end up leaving or something. You know, I mean something crazy is gonna happen here and You know when when we take a second and we think about this other person. It's like, okay well this person has You know Theoretically anyway, they've got good intentions, you know, most people I think what what we what we really want You know, we kind of have this division where it's like, okay, that's a woman I'm a man, you know And so I need to get my needs met and this is the person that I need to get my needs met through And it's like really we're all here on the same journey, you know, we all want love We all want Compassion we all want to feel understood we all want to get our needs met and you know, when we look at it from that perspective and we look at it from this place of like You know, we can build and grow we can kind of let go of all these things that we think is going on right now and in a You know an argument or a fight or whatever you want to call it and and put on a new perspective it Looks and actually Turns into something completely different, you know, um, and it's like I don't know the the Queen's code keeps popping up in my mind you know this this The it if you're not familiar with the books, they're these stories, right? And they're these really they're really great stories I love them and What one of the story in the Queen's code is about this woman who? is She's she kind of has this experience of men and when she Changes the way that she kind of looks at things and and changes the way that she she's doing things all of a sudden her entire Experience of men completely changes, you know, and it's it's so powerful Like going through that book because you get to the other end and you're just like I mean for me it was really emotional because you know, I grew up in this space where You know a lot of the people that a lot of my mentors would tell me like women are our People to cherish their cheap people to love their people that are just this beautiful Amazing thing on the planet and you need to love them, you know And then I get into relationships and all of a sudden next thing, you know, I'm getting cheated on, you know Like, you know, all these all these things are happening, you know, and it's warping my perspective of what's going on and You know, we I think everybody I've ever talked to is has had heartbreak in their life, you know And we come out of this heartbreak and and we have this jaded perspective of how things are and if we keep holding on to this Perspective that we created It we find that it doesn't end up serving us and we get into these patterns and next thing, you know We're you know, we're we're going out there and we're trying to find a person But everybody's you know a bad person or or we're we're in this relationship, but you know, he's using me, you know, and it's You know, what I what I love about this work is that there's What I love about your work is that there's kind of this barrier to drop and this new space to come from and this new view of of men to have and That from that perspective, I think that there's something great that can come from it and I think that if we don't take on a perspective of partnership if we don't take on a perspective of You know wanting to build this together and we're holding on to this thing of I got to get you know I got to make him I got a you know force and coerce and you know, like just Just beat him down until finally he you know submits to me It's painful for everybody, you know, and it's not a long. It's not long-term thinking, you know, congratulations on your 25th year anniversary, that's really awesome and Can I tell you where a lot of that comes from Matthew? Okay Since we don't have any rich time Are you familiar with the term reticular activator? I am are you talking about the thing in your Mind where you see something? Yeah, it's the quality of our brain where it's searching for our own intentions and and neuroscience is showing us America brains will literally do whatever they can with whatever it's got to fulfill our intentions It'll it'll reconfigure itself But on the in the simplest level The reticular activator is the part of our brain that when you decide you want to get a yellow car All of a sudden it's like yellow cars are everywhere and they're jumping out at you And it doesn't mean you don't notice the not yellow cars, but the yellow cars are vivid, right? Well, it's the same thing in the way that our brain works For whatever we decide if we decide men are jerks Then men being jerks is what jumps out at us. And yes, we might notice the occasional Wonderful man, right? Like the red car. We might notice amongst all the yellow ones but our brain is literally bringing to our awareness that which we have already decided is true and Unfortunately and I I've studied way more about women relating to men than men relating to women But I've still studied more about men relating to women than almost anybody Men tend to be more forgiving of women you have a kind of I don't know why she did it, but okay where women We decide why you did it Right we know why you did it's because you're selfish. It's because you're emotionally unavailable It's because you're we decide and then our brains collect all kinds of evidence to prove what we decided and everything gets thrown in the basket and men are like But and Honestly Matthew, I'm so sorry, but as a woman we hear your objections as You just trying to justify bad behavior We hear it as a lack of accountability instead of a hey, let's stand up for the truth here right yeah, and so One of the things that women have a collected evidence for and I was definitely one of them Was that I have to strategize to get what I need from a man? Because he either doesn't care about what I need or he's actively withholding it and it occurs to very few women that Hmm, and this is this is what I found of over all these years that He actually really does care about what you need and He has no idea what you need Because you think he already should know what you need if he especially if he really loved you So you are actively withholding telling him what you need because you shouldn't have to and you're deciding He's not giving you what you need Because he doesn't he knows what it is and is actively withholding it or he just doesn't care anyhow And not that maybe he's missing that critical piece of information that says I should spend energy on this because I'm 100% certain she needs it Let's go So it comes back to where we started Matthew that a Man doesn't commit to giving a woman an individual need for the same reason. He doesn't commit To a lifetime of giving her what she needs He doesn't have enough information to be certain that that's a really good way to spend his life Which is what a lot of women don't take into account that your time and your energy and your resources That's all you got That is your life and if you spend even a moment of your life on me Wow That's a gift. That's not my right. That's not my entitlement. That's a gift Maybe we should be appreciating all the gifts you give us instead of can I say bitching? Like complaining and making up False accusations for where you're not Yeah, man, that's uh, that's some powerful stuff here. We're we're just about out of time But if you're watching this, here's my recommendation go back and watch this again Allison just delivered some just gold nuggets of information and If you want to get more information, I know I know you've got You've got like seminars you can go to you You've got Coaches that work for you. I think you even have a like some Community on your site, don't you it's understanding men calm right? Yeah, and we have all that and in the last year we've put all of our understanding men and understanding women courses online So they're being participated in 24 7 all over the world literally Um, so it's all there. You don't even have to get out of your pajamas Awesome. Well, uh, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate your information I know the the women watching right now are gonna love it So so thank you so much for being here and and I really just appreciate you and everything that you do You're so welcome