 All aboard for the first of a new series of programs called the Club Car Special. The Club Car Special is based on the March of Events and City Life section of the Hearst Sunday newspaper throughout the country. This section is devoted to the cartoons and writings of America's foremost humorists. O. O. McIntyre, Will Rogers, George A. A. Sam Hellman, Arthur Buck's Bear, Milt Gross, Damon Runyon, and many others. So let's climb on board the Club Car Special right now just for a lock and a laugh. Now while we're gathering speed, let's take a look at a cartoon. Well, here's one. Here's one that shows a picture of a bridal party. And everyone seems to be there, but the bridegroom. The bride and her father seem considerably agitated. There, there, daughter, don't weep, everything will be all right. But the guests are all here, and the priest is here, and I'm here. But where's Elmer? Oh, I just know something terrible has happened. Nothing terrible has happened now. Just rest easy, dear. Oh, but it's dreadful. It's terrible. Oh, it's, it's ghastly. Oh, I'm going to faint. She's fainted. Quick, some water. Give her air. Stand back there. She's fainted. The ear's off. It says R-T-A. Ah, thank you, Barton. That'll bring her to you. The telephone. Quick, Barton. The telephone. Hey, Roger Weiss. Hey, coming through. Oh, did I hear the phone? Yes, my dear. Barton's is answering it. Well, maybe it's Elmer. Maybe it's Elmer. Beggin' your pardon, sir. It is Elmer. What is he saying? Beggin' your pardon. He said he's been unavoidably detained, but to go right ahead without him. Everywhere you go, you hear people out. Did you read what Will Rogers said about repeal or about the recognition of Russia or about practically any subject under the sun? No matter what the issue, Will always seems to make just the right comment. A comment that not only carries a hearty laugh, but packs a philosophical wallet besides. Let's hear what Will's been saying lately. We'll ask Jerry Macy to let us have it. Come on, Jerry. You want it in dialect? Sure thing, Jerry. Why not? All right. Well, you know, Will's a funny fella. You were talking about recognizing Russia a while ago. Well, Will's got to thinking about all the caviar that's imported from Russia. He says caviar is a kind of a gooey mess of fish eggs that is without doubt the poorest potter in the world. Caviar costs a lot of money, and so the rich people lap it up just like the lap-up grand opera without understanding the line of it. The fish go to a lot of trouble to lay those eggs, especially when they go way up in Russia to lay them. Then Will goes on to say we got fish right here that must lay eggs, but we don't pay any more attention to them than we would to an American lecturer. The eggs are fish lay are just home-challenges. Will points out that you're supposed to eat caviar before a meal, but what he wants to know is if you got a good meal coming, what's the use of eating anything before it? He figures if the caviar was good, it would spoil your meal because you'd eat too much of it, and if it weren't any good, it would spoil your meal anyhow. Good old Will Rogers, you can beat him. In his article in the Hearst newspapers the other day, George A. tells about two men who met on the street in his hometown. One was a hardened old reprobate who never tried very much to be saved, and the other was the local pastor, and here's what happened. Good morning, Herman. Got a minute you can spare? Any time, Herman, any time. What's on your mind? Well, like this pastor, I was coming by the cemetery the other morning, and I got to thinking. Yes, Herman? I got to thinking about all them folks laying out there who used to go fooling around with pasteboards. Pasteboards? Yes. Yes, Herman. And back them things went loud. Well, we're all a little more broad-minded now, Herman. Yeah, that's just what perplexes me, pastor. Them folks went straight to the bad place. I know they did, because you told me so yourself. Yes, that's right, Herman. But now the shows and dancing are loud, is all of them folks going to be let off on parole? And if they is, roll! Ovo McIntyre was a pioneer in writing syndicated New York columns. At first the syndicate managers told him that a column devoted entirely to New York would not be popular elsewhere. Mr. McIntyre was so convinced that the managers were wrong that he operated his own syndicate from a room in a third-rate Broadway hotel, and in time proved his point. He's now just as popular in Detroit and San Antonio as he is on Times Square. Ovo McIntyre knows his Broadway, and Billy Murray knows his Ovo McIntyre. Let's get Billy to give us a few slants on the famous main stem, as seen through the eyes of its most-observing columnist. A few columns ago, McIntyre was gossiping about some of the habits and mannerisms of the great and near great. He told about Billy Gaxon, the fellow who plays the part of President Wintergreen in that show called Let Him Eat Cake. He said Gaxon always squints his eyes when he sings, while Floyd Gibbons, whenever he's talking, always throws one of his coat lapels back. Charlie Chaplin always sits just on the edge of his chair, and John McCormick carries a pocket comb. Maurice Chevalier is never seen without a bow tie. Norma Sheeran never faces an audience. She nearly always shows a profile. Her husband Irving Thalberg is fond of going without a hat. Max Joyer, the great New York attorney when he speaks to a jury, talks with his hands behind his back. Then there's Walt Disney, the fellow who went to Hollywood and made so much money with Mickey Mouse. Disney is a modest fellow who has lived in the very same house the whole time he's been out there. Further on in his column, he mentioned Sinclair Lewis, the fellow who created the name Babbitt. A Babbitt, according to Sinclair Lewis, is any sort of feeble, witted guy who lives in the suburbs and leads the routine life of three square meals a day and commutes and carries a briefcase and an umbrella. Well, McIntyre says Sinclair Lewis is now living in Bronxville, a suburb of New York with a briefcase and an umbrella and everything. Oh, here's a funny one, too. Cary Grant, the fellow who plays opposite Mae West, used to be a stilt walker at Coney Island. Maybe that's why Mae is always asking him to come up sometime. Well, that's the kind of stuff McIntyre's always digging up for his readers. I wouldn't miss him for anything. All of us can't meet all the famous people he knows, but when he tells about them, it's the best thing to meeting them. Everyone knows Milt Gross, the creator of Count's Screw Loose and Dave's Delicatessen. Tonight, he tells the story of a racketeer named Chowderface Glutz, who's on trial for blowing up a fruit stand known by Angelo Peep. Now, it seems that Angelo refused to buy the necessary protection from Chowderface and, as a result, a pineapple was tossed into Angelo's bananas and put him out of business. The accused is now on the witness stand and his lawyer is trying to prove that his client is really a tender-hearted babe, even though he does resemble the big bad wolf. Chowderface is trying equally hard to remember all the answers. Now, tell me, Chowderface, what songs do you like best? Silver threads among the gold and mud-a-ma-creep. They always makes me cry. What else do you like, Chowder? Well, for instinct, the story of the little match coil, voids and flowers and little Annie Rooney in the funny pictures on account of its little coil. Now, tell us in your own words, Chowder, about this day on which you were supposed to have blown up Angelo's fruit stand. Well, first, I wake up in the morning and I fed the little voids that come on my window so every morning with breadcrumbs. Go on. Then I listen to Jolly Bill and Janie on the radio. I like Jolly Bill and Janie on account of Janie as a little coil. And then what did you do? Then I practices on Michello. Like I promised my mother, I always would. And then I went out and helped a old lady across the street with a bundle. And then I went to the town hall and I went to the town hall to... Yes, go on. Now, you went to the town hall and what did you go to the town hall for? I went to the town hall and they had a play there what was called Alice in Waterland. I like Alice in Waterland on account of she's a little coil what's got a rabbit. Yes, yes, yes. And what did you do after that? After that, I goes home and plays part cheesy with my grandmother. Like I promised my mother, I always would. Go on, Chowder. Well, then it was 9 o'clock and I went to bed and dreamed about the three little pigs and I never seen this guy Angela would approach then and all my life. That's all, Chowder. And now, gentlemen of the jury, behold this boy. It is not he who is on trial, it is us. It is all civilization that is on trial. We drag him down here. Let us see the light and send him back to his cold black mammy. I mean, to that little cabin in the cotton... to that little gray mother who waits. Gentlemen, I cannot go on. I rest my case. I throw this gentle flower that civilization has crushed beneath its heels upon your tender mercy. Gentlemen, have you reached a verdict? Yeah, Your Honor. How do you find the defendant, gentlemen? Guilty. Did you say guilty? Yeah, Your Honor. On account of we don't like little goils with rabbits. Well, we've come to the end of tonight's run of the Club Car Special. Don't forget to be on the platform next week at this same time and enjoy the fun and nonsense of America's leading humorists. The entire George Aid, Will Rogers, Damon Runyon, Bugs Bear, Sam Hellman, Milt Gross, and all the others whose writings and cartoons appear in the March of Events and City Life section of the Hearst Sunday Newspapers throughout the country. Laugh with the Club Car Special on your radio. And better still, enjoy the features themselves each week in the Hearst Sunday Newspaper in your community.