 A very common question that comes in my inbox is, why would a man choose one woman over another? And why would a man choose you over another woman? And we're gonna dive into this today because it seems to me that many women come to me saying they've been in a relationship with someone. It's just ended. And all of a sudden a man who was non-committal, all of a sudden is fully committed to another woman shortly after the relationship ends. So I think it's time to dive into this. And I think we have to differentiate the men who are emotionally healthy versus men who are emotionally unhealthy, okay? And when we talk about emotional health, we're talking about emotional maturity. We're talking about relationship skills. And some of the most important relationship skills are things like actions consistently matching words, not being in victim consciousness, not learning how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. In fact, when you think about why most relationship end, my most, why most romantic relationships end is because they don't know how to resolve conflict. And these conflicts arise for a variety of different reasons. But I wanna come back to this choosing pattern men and women have in the early stages of a relationship. Now, something I've observed over the last decade of doing this is that most humans are unaware of love attachment style, love attachment style. And if you're not familiar with it, I highly recommend checking out two books attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and Wired for Love by Dr. Stan Takin. Both books, all the books I recommend will be in the link below under Jonathan recommends books. So why is this critically important to understand? Because how we choose partners are oftentimes based on a childhood imprinting on how we imprinted with one or both of our primary caregivers, whether it's our parents, whether it's a surrogate parent, whether it's a grandparent, it could be an aunt, whomever was involved in the early stages of caretaking for you. What happens is we imprint this love attachment style, how we attach to another human being. And so there's three primary love attachment styles. I'll just cursory go through this. There's anxious, avoidant and secure. And most every human believes they are a secure attachment style. And again, I want you to go to the website. I want you to watch videos on love attachment style because a man might choose you because he might be an avoidant attachment style and you might be an anxious attachment style. You've heard about opposites attract. Well, this opposites attract, this notion of polarity is usually centered around love attachment style, meaning that if this avoidant, a person of avoidance tend to be a little bit more closed off, tend to be less emotionally expressive, avoidance of fear, closeless and intimacy with a partner. And they tend to choose partners who are the exact opposite, okay? So it's quite possible a man might choose you because he's an avoidant and you're an anxious and he might choose you for that reason. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be in a healthy relationship with this man. Or it might be that he's an avoidant and you're an avoidant and he goes, well, I mean, subconsciously speaking, he's like, well, this relationship isn't gonna work for me. I've gotta go find someone else who's an anxious and literally the next person he meets is most likely an anxious attacher and then he'll choose that woman. So I think it's critically important for those to understand love attachment styles. Let me know if you do understand it by posting a comment below. You can even hit like on this video to let me know that you understand or have been familiarized with love attachments style. And again, there's 100,000 resources here on YouTube you can click. And by the way, I'm gonna share with you in a moment some of the characteristics that men emotionally healthy men find attractive, okay? So we've been talking about emotionally unhealthy men. I think it's time to dig into one other aspect of emotional maturity or how we choose partners. And if you're not familiar with the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, I highly recommend getting the book called Getting the Love You Want. And the subtitle is, well, actually there is no subtitle. I thought there was a guide for couples, right? Okay, this talks about something known as the Amago. I am a G O, I am a G O, Amago, okay? You can look this up on the internet. Amago basically, Amago means mirroring, but we tend to also choose partners that are either similar to or opposite of one of our prime, one or two of our primary caregivers. And to the extent that they're either similar to opposite, we might be choosing, like for example, a woman might choose an emotionally unavailable man because her father was emotionally unavailable. And on a subconscious level, she's choosing this type of man to gain father's love, to gain father's love, okay? Now we might also choose partners that are completely opposite. You might choose someone, let's say your parent was an alcoholic, they were abusive and that sort of thing. So you want a partner who's completely opposite from that, which is a healthy thing, okay? But again, it's usually this Amago is that we're trying to fulfill our childhood need to be loved by our primary caretakers. And we choose partners based on this very frequently. You know, many of you, I'm sure have experienced someone who's like your father. I know it's, you know, for men, it could be similar to their mother. In fact, sometimes they choose characteristics that are very much like their mother because they want that nurturing or maybe their mother was emotionally unavailable. And these men choose partners who are also emotionally unavailable. This is a very frequent and common occurrence. So how he chooses you is going to be based on whether or not he has an emotionally, he's emotionally healthy or he's emotionally unhealthy. And given that I believe a significant percentage of the population is emotionally unhealthy, and I'll just share with you, this is my chart. It's not a fact. It's merely an opinion. If you haven't seen this before, emotional maturity, relationship skills, I think roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. And while I stayed over here, 20% are emotionally healthy and probably being kind of generous. Most everybody is in the dysfunctional category to some degree on their emotional maturity and relationship skills. And this is, this, let me just say this, most humans are unaware of the psychological components that play a part into how we choose a partner. See, we've all been indoctrinated in the belief that chemistry equals relationship success. Oh my God, we have so much chemistry. We have so much connection. Oh my God, we have such a connection. We are twin flames. Have you ever heard of twin flame relationships? You might want to Google that. There's a show on Amazon called the Twin Flame Universe or escaping the Twin Flame Universe. I'm not sure. I mean, I, maybe on a spiritual level, there is such a thing, but I think it's so overly hyped in our physical world that a lot of people think that the minute you have a connection with someone, it is so uniquely different than everything else in the world. And it's gonna magically work out for the future. See, the reality is, is love is something that's built over time. It's built over time and actually love is a choice. We can feel a connection with someone, but oftentimes it's these unconscious, subconscious experiences from our past that cause us to, that direct us in how we choose people. In addition, there's a lot of this is also how we reject really good people because in many cases, the number one emotional health wound facing most everybody is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And what happens is this fear causes many humans to reject really good people in their life because it doesn't fit the narrative of the, for lack of better word, negative experience that happened in one's life or disturbing experience that happened in one's life. I said the word disturbing, I wanna be clear about something. When I mentioned frequently about childhood wounds and adult traumas or childhood wounds and traumas, this doesn't necessarily mean you've had significant trauma like physical abuse, like sexual abuse, like verbal abuse, doesn't have to be to the extreme level. Certainly people that have had extreme experiences are most likely in desperate need of some level of therapy, of some level of medical attention, some level of maybe even medication because it was so traumatic. But the reality is is most humans have what's known as micro traumas in their lives, many little traumas. I'll give you an example of something. I was bullied in school, I was picked on. Even my teacher called me stupid in front of everyone in the class. And while this wasn't a significant, it was a micro experience, but it had such a lasting effect in my life. My mother accidentally was away from me for a short period of time and I panicked as a child. This was a one tiny incident, but it create an anxiety within me feeling that I was abandoned. They're even, I'm just experiencing my father growing up who would have occasional fits of anxiety when he was in a state of fear. You see what happens is we don't recognize that our parents don't even know, even they're good people that didn't do this physical, this terrible experience to you might have imprinted these tiny micro traumas in your life that make up your negative patterns and your limiting beliefs. If you really wanna do a deep dive into healing your childhood wounds and traumas, I highly recommend doing the work of the, here I'm gonna grab this book. It's called The Hoffman Process. And this is helping you identify those micro traumas and maybe some major traumas and help you heal in those capacities because the way we choose partners are usually predicated based on how we experienced love in our early upbringing, that imprinting. And there's, I've heard different schools of thought whether it's the first two years of life, the first seven years of life, the first 12 years of life. And I want you to think about, oh, let me think about something like my sons. Here's a picture of my two boys right behind me, another picture of them. You know, a trauma they experienced that wasn't anything overtly aggressive in any sense was going through a divorce. Imagine many of us who are tail end baby boomers or Gen Xers, there's a significant percentage of divorced people in the dating marketplace and our children's have experienced these traumas, maybe you experienced that growing up. I remember the one divorced family in the neighborhood I grew up with was like a big scarlet letter. And now if you went to the street, my kids grew up on, half of the people are divorced in that geographic area, if you will. But these all leave imprints of how we feel safe with another human being. So what do emotionally healthy men look for? Well, we're gonna dive into that. I've outlined seven things really quickly, so stick with me right now. But I would say emotionally healthy men are looking for women that are less effort. And what I mean to say, there aren't lifestyle challenges to blend these two lives together. There aren't lifestyle challenges to blend them together. Now emotionally unhealthy men will choose women like that because that allows them to keep an arms length from another person. But emotionally healthy men are looking for women whose lifestyles are blendable with them. The effort in creating the relationship isn't extreme. And I'd say that's one pretty common thing for those of us in midlife. And midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So most of the people I speak to are the ages of 42 or 69. And look, I'm your big brother here. If I could be there for you on a first date with the shotgun point of the guy's face and I'd say what's your intentions with my little sister? It simply means is, today there are very little consequences for bad behavior in the dating marketplace. And so it's incumbent upon you to be your own advocate since I advocate for women because women traditionally feel a little less safer in the world than men. I'm here to be your big brother in this particular case. Number two, emotionally healthy men are looking for women that are sexually compatible with them. Now in midlife, we know that there's a lot of men that struggle with their ability to sexually perform. And there are a lot of women that have their challenges when it comes to sexually performance. But I would say a healthy sex life is on the forefront of an emotionally healthy man and they're looking for a partner where there's compatibility in the area of physical intimacy. And both, by the way, women, you want this, men want this as well. Everything I'm sharing here right now goes for either gender in this particular case for those heterosexual couples. Number three, they're seeking emotional or more importantly, energetic connection. See, I talked about this earlier and we talked about the importance of attraction and emotional and energetic connection. But there is something unique about two people that just really click very early on. Maybe they are soulmates to some degree. Maybe they are twin flames. Maybe there is something cosmic, but there seems to be humans that vibrate at a certain level and when they meet someone else that vibrates at the same level or close, they seem closely drawn to each other. And I'm talking about the healthy people. Unhealthy people are drawn together because they're drawn to their traumas and they usually bond together because of those traumas. But emotionally healthy men and women are seeking that vibration that's commensurate with their vibration. They just seem to click. I would say in these particular places, these are people that are just chill. They have more agreeable personalities. They're not complicated. Oh my God, there's so much drama going on in the world today. Do we need more drama in our relationships? I think not, okay? Number four, they are of higher compatibility. I talked about lifestyle blendability, but more importantly, they share the same values. They have a vision of the future that's commensurate with one another. They are on the same page. They are on the same page, both in their emotional maturity, in their capacity to blend lives, their values, their shared vision, there is an alignment. You're not trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Now that's not to say that you're gonna have differences. Absolutely. But I would say today, one of the most critically important functions of compatibility is the capacity to go all in, to go all in. See today, people date with just putting their toe in the water and they can get the benefits of companionship, connection, and sex without much real effort. All in says, look, damn the torpedoes, all steam ahead. Now again, some relationships might not work out for the long term. That's okay. They went all in giving it a shot and you might find that you're in two different places in your lives. Those relationships that tend to go the difference are people that are on the same trajectory. They have a shared, they share the same vision of how their life trajectory is. Number five, they're in a good place in their life. I didn't share this earlier in the video, but I will tell you after my divorce, I was a train wreck. I was an emotional basket case. For probably a decade, it wasn't until I started to do personal development, self-help, and spiritual work that I really learned the importance of individual work, but more importantly, when it comes to relationships is discernment. If you're not familiar with discernment, check out the link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. There's a link below. Discernment is how we choose people. And by the way, I've put together a program to help you discern who is the healthy person versus that person who is emotionally unhealthy, who's not in a good place. Ladies, you seem to be a magnet for choosing men that are not in a good place in your life. And if you need some help with that, check out the link below as well. I think one of the things factors that is so obscure in all this, but I think it's so prevalent is timing. Sometimes the timing of two people, it basically timing means two people ready, and then they meet when they're both ready. I think a relationship readiness, when two people are in a state of relationship readiness, it's the right timing seems to work in their favor. When one person is emotionally unready and the person, the other one is, then it's not the right time for them. And some people need a little bit more work than others. And lastly, why a man chooses you over another woman, she loves herself. She has self-respect, self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem. All the things I talk about in my book, what the heck is self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, there's a link below to get my book. When a woman is in that state of self-love, when a man is in a state of self-respect, when you're both in a state of sovereignty for oneself, you're in a good emotional place and you have good relationship skills. Remember, one of the key component of relationship skills is the ability to resolve conflicts without having to be right and choose to be happy. These are people that tend to attract those more juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationships. Is this sinking in, is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below, I'd like to hear your thoughts. As always, if you find value in this group, this for those that are following me on Midlife Love Mastery, there's a link below to join my private group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. For those in the group, please tell your friends about the group, send them to my website, jonathanasley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. Folks, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic jonathan bear hug of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet. Teddy bear a pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye. Bye.