 Good morning. Thank you so very much for staying with us here at Y in the morning. If you're just tuning in, karebuna ni ya kufreshi barida. Kulekwana kabaridi kaduogotru in elinzi, mone mone, but now I can see sunshine. Okay ni mi umbandu. Sorry, karebuna, this is at Wi-Fi for Facebook, Wi-254 channel on Twitter. Hashtag of the days, why the morning, or WCW because we're crushing on our queens. Now previously, Kulekwana Ramaguko, the real amazing man with strength of a woman. And they were, I heard something about covert things, but if you missed that interview in a Tukwa YouTube channel here too, we got you. All right. So now this is the part where we're asking a very tough question. And that same question is on our social media handles of which how do you know una de muntubure kabisa? Ya, ya, how do you know that, but I want to know muntubure kabisa na kaji first. All right, red flag, red flag, okay. I want to introduce the panelists and then we get into it. Good morning ladies. Muna kafa and thank you. Thank you, you too. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Please introduce yourself. My name is Diana Nangila. I have founded a CBO, it's called Community for Kids. And what we do is we offer talent training solutions. Wow. Yes. What is the talent training solution? So right now with the CBC programs in schools, teachers have a hectic time finding finding tutors for programs such as martial arts, gymnastics, acrobatics, athletics. So what they're doing are very basic programs. So what we do is offer complex programs for them. We outsource teachers, qualify teachers, trained and satisfied. For example, our gymnastic teachers are people who are well-traveled and so we connect them to the schools. So they train, we, for Afi of course, we offer the solutions to the schools and then we offer their programs for the kids. Yes. Yes, it's a talent, it's a computer. Yes, absolutely. So that's why Naniwa is telling me school fees are ridiculous right now. Yes, it is. I mean, nothing good comes easy except salvation. Hey man! And it's poori, poori don't ever pay to be saved, please. Shara, what's your name? My name is Washira Teresa. I'm a finalist student at Journalism and Mass Communication at the National University of Science and Technology. Done with the school, waiting for graduation. What is the first order of business? So take hiatus, so to lay for the next two months, am I going to get to Tamaq immediately? No, I'm not Tamaqing. I think I've got my own plan at hand. Yes, akuna kwa Tamaqing, Jesus' name. So you must have a salvation. Yes. All right, so help me understand guys. What is your take on Mtu Bu Rekabis? Okay, the phrase is Mr, you know, but I want it to balance. Jupia sisi tukuna a little bit toxic traits. Let's just be honest, okay? We're not perfect. The least of us in the world, lasma tu jifonze kwenya maza shuwali, all right? So what do you take on Mtu Bu Rekabisah? Like what does that even mean? This is in regards to someone who you're dating. Mtu Bu Rekabisah, this is someone who's there for nothing more than marriage. For me, that is someone who's useless. Nothing more than marriage? Yes, I mean, if the end goal of whatever relationship you're in is not to build a family and an institution, long-term goals, I think that's absolutely Bu Rekabisah. What do you think is Bu Rekabisah? For me, Mr. Bu Rekabisah, it's someone who doesn't have a plan on you, somebody who doesn't think of your future together, somebody who just sees today. Yes, you're servicing him, you're giving him his benefits and that's all. So you're servicing him, actually. But the promise you only said, yeah, so it's like you're just somewhere when he feel bored, he's just calling you, chilling with you and you know. So he doesn't have a future plan on you. So he's really bored. Could it be a problem that it's a him thing? If you ask him his five-year plan, like what do you expect? Employers, I don't know why they keep asking such things. But where do you see yourself in the next five years? Actually, that's a problem that we have today with the young people today because you find most of the people here. There is this thing we call adult children. We are still in our parents' house. But you're still there. Yes, you're dating. You don't have a future. You've not moved out of your mum's house. You've been provided for. So how will you plan for the person you're dating? It's a problem. First of all, this is not a back and forth as in one to one to feel free. If you hear something that's making you squirm a little bit on the inside, just slap us with it. All right? Hashtag for you is when the morning and please also participate if it's touching you somewhere. All right? So now what happens if you yourself you don't have a forecast? Why should the person you're dating have a forecast? They mean birds of a feather, no? Flok together. Yeah, I mean that's true. That's why we have so many useless relationships out here that end up in unwanted babies. Too much problems rather than solutions. I mean for me, my whole perspective on relationship has to come, has to go back to church and this is a newly adopted mindset. I'm speaking as someone who has been in the world so to say and can you bring back the question please? Did I touch somewhere you had a thought and then it took hands away? No, I failed, forgive me. Yes, yes, no problem. It's okay, I was asking if we have the confidence to say mtuniborika visa because they're not focused. But visa via I might have attracted that kind of person Juwata mimi maybe seen a focus. So the problem is why are we in these relationships in the first place? That's the main problem because most of us are there because well I need support, I need my house to get paid, I need a new dress and it's someone to take me out. So the relationship, the foundation of why you're doing this relationship is wrong. So I mean in the end you end up, you're both wrong because this person is also entertaining you and you're entertaining them for the wrong purposes. How do you know it's wrong and it's not love? And I do this because I don't think love is an emotion. Love is an action. You choose love every day. And maybe work it out however you need to but it's an action, it's a doing work. So how do you know that it's not amani papi love? It's love at first sight and it's not a red flag. I think you need to have mentors, people you need to be looking on to someone's, someone who is doing relationship goals. You need to Kula goals kwe li itan usually. Every five seconds ambare na tu ambia wa mea chana na ui kwanza whole nation sumatati West Africans anymore. Kido kido go wo suji nani as in this is a lot. If you've decided to follow ambare and then well you will fall into the same traps she is falling into and if you decide to follow someone, if you... Ako the queen of single mothers. Not at long as they are when she is not afraid. No, no, no. If that's what you want then by all means go for it but then you know that's you're not building a relationship, you're not building a long term relationship, you're not building towards a marriage, you're not building towards having a family and one unit family where you can because you need support from both parents. So being a single mother we love them, they are strong, they have helped us but that's not the way God intended it to be. We need to be couples. You know I feel that young people today or most of the people today even the not young people even the middle aged we've lost focus on dating. We are dating because other people are dating. We are dating because okay someone is just going to ask you are you single? Are you dating? Who are you dating? You know we are dating because we don't want to be single. We are dating because we don't want to be lonely. We are dating because the social media is giving us that platform and we are normalizing actually dating for fun. It's cold. Yeah you see even like this cold season you know people are just asking you nahiweza you know. You are right. The reasons for people are dating are wrong. The reason why people are dating literally they are very wrong. So you find us always in the wrong relationships for the wrong reasons. Why? All right. Okay. So if you're just joining us please to know Lisa in a relationship setting. Tu budeka bisani na ni. That means king you can answer me yato wukiwa na dem kubudeka bisani. Let us know and tell us why a lot of people that goes to the queens as well if you feel like king is Mr. Okay not done but why are you there in the first place? Mono li jingizu apom Mono na ruku jokutu kumple ni. No kiske mautamu woutu ambi. Mono tu si uchungu si wote. Why? You know there is this thing we call first impression. You can find a very nice guy good looking and you know your first impression of him. I've had you saying I have first love first sight love I love at first sight I think and then you fall but I don't believe in love at first sight anyway because you have to learn that person you have to learn his characters his way of thinking for you to hear so that you can have a goal and you know you want to be with him you have to know exactly who am I getting into. I'm a who am I dealing with. You know people have gods even a lot of spirits in them. So loving somebody at first sight and even don't know what he is carrying. I don't believe in that. Ignorance is to add on to what you say Ignorance is like the biggest I will address the young people my youths the young guys the people who are dating for the wrong reasons we ignore the reality of life as it is things are so spiritual and so you're going to find yourself in a wrong relationship if your end goal is not the one thing that is supposed to be for if you're doing it for money if you're doing it for status if you're a social climber if you if you just bring it to satisfy your friends and then you're hanging around the wrong friends find someone who has the same goal as you and then move towards it so if your goal is to be a ho then well you have friends who are doing the same and if you're selling yourself for whatever benefits if you're in a relationship for benefits it does not matter if you're not being handed cash if you're doing it for some benefit that is other than marriage you're absolutely in the wrong direction yes all right remember it's at whitepip on facebook white254channel on twitter white54 underscore channel on the gram hashtag is wcw or white in the morning see now both of you have brought something to the table I like that you're in sync because I have questions now I'll tell you a small story this is I don't know if you remember this nini kwa hitwa aji now I've forgotten but kwa see series particularly see it's a local one jina ke li kwa aida muwanas kumbukiyo see just in and pita took dogo anyway so she had an exclusive interview the other day and she was talking about how she was she tu se ma li omoka ta young age oh aye damata hey there we go there we go let us break it down for you hey yes I'll be telling poor story because me it gave me goosebumps I had nothing to do with any of you but I was dying to just buy so sure day works hard works hard asha amoka by 1920 making a little bit monies and what what was she's been having enough not to take care of her mom and stuff like that I understand she's been raised by a single mother also yes yes so sure day is church base you understand motherage manza spirituality yeah and that's how her life has been in fact her father figure as according to the interview was is as a bishop at the church I don't know if it's bishop that particular chairs do you can make kwa say it nani I hope not but someone elderly or an elder of such in church so baby girl does think does think dogo she's being courted is courtship not dating ojokuna tofouti adim nanda classes do you nini siya tawe umgeo nome fika nani let's just be honest tinge kwa ni me mi actually do you eat 1920 I'm going to and 191 baby girl so she gets married to this person who is also in the same church that's the serving also senior person in the church niafniafniaf two months into the marriage gender based violence baby girl yani by the time she was telling us the story she cannot remember how many times she's been beaten joa li kwa na pigwa she passes out wakes up I don't even know where I am now like what what did I do now like ah nili pigwa nani and stayed there for one year because camp people will be like ah God hates divorce ok so ni kufi na ah simme sema I'm talking to a chani simu li sema marriage must be the ultimate goal otherwise it's useless simu me sema yes I am Mali Nigeria another bishop married eh yes he married tafadali kani sa evitim elders nia rosashio yeah aunty gospel artist has been singing for us fire fire yani you hear her voice you can feel holy spirit descending come down aunty was also being beaten did you want we found out when he killed her oh god oh yeah that is dangerous well there are there is something like wrong marriage now you're rushing into marriage for the same wrong reasons you see I believe I've been I've been to I'm I've just enrolled into a spiritual class on marriage and how to why and it's supposed to be slow and sure you do not rush into anything because you can get tied up with the wrong person ah yeah last story this one is personal to me because it's by my aunty ok aunty pi aunty aunty stop tied up so damn so where aunty oh god bless her so foz in love now she's a church girl so uncle also came to get her from church for like a year kwa chip kwa chip kwa chip and now they are getting to each other slow slowly yeah box a link here three months into the marriage that's when she found out he's a raging alcoholic at a apia liya kutukupigwa so it's I don't think you can plan these things out I really really don't no matter how much you and another thing I think religion is misleading but there religion is misleading people you need to meet your person yes me patana church but you need to meet him out of church no his character out of church you know people hide but there people are hypocritical in church so you can say that's not the fault of the church it's the fault of the people it's the fault of the people it's the fault of the pastors how the way you follow religion you know people they have had of marriages people are married like Ida was like I was being beaten go to my pastor my pastor is like you know how woman is supposed to to take it they even went for me liye yeah unafa uvumiliye and the pastor is like you know this marriage is God constituted and so you unafa uvumiliye in this marriage and who told black women our purpose in life is to suffer long suffering kablanda utuwanze kuskiya vizuri was toetuwa kua kua kua I think no of which even Ida got into the marriage I think because of the wrong reasons actually he was dating she was dating a church guy the pastor told him the guy is nice and the people whom she was going out with the people whom she was hanging out with were already married so she felt like I'm alone you know my friends are married so I also need yeah everyone is married so I need also to get married without yeah without yeah so she she says that she regrets getting married so early and also following that when you know what your life is so what I'm in a family you should listen to yourself first here's the thing I don't think marriage is the whole purpose of life marriage is supposed to help you follow the path to your destiny so why are you in this marriage you're supposed to find a help but that's what the bible will tell you it's someone who is supposed to help you and you help them towards your destinies so if you're getting married because you're 30 and now well gimengizakabaridi you know my exit is mamana kuleza di aji you know you should anti up all the time it's like you know what why and people know how and the community we live in people know how to throw words the path you know ileka kanenoflani to stick to it here's the thing here's the thing do not blame do not blame the church do not blame anyone for you for getting tied to the wrong person that is your decision and here's the other thing your partner is not going to be with you in heaven or you're going to be judged solely alone so when you're making these decisions you need to be and you need to be sharp you need to think ahead you need to think of your um okay do not forget yourself when you're getting in there because you know how it is when you're in love what do you mean you can't have any advice so you just oh I'm trying to work with you because say he can't do no so somewhere that you cannot advice when you get into a wrong relationship then you get beaten and here's the thing when you're already married you don't want you to get divorced you're already in there you're supposed to now work from there and you're not saying that when you get married to the right person then they're all going to be they're going to be problems this is coming from I'm not married but this is I'm being told this by people who are married and also what I have seen personally and have studied from my family members and it you see they're always going to be problems and that we have been promised by Jesus and by heaven for until we die the fight is ongoing so you need to minimize these risks you need to just be smart the choices you're making and then you remember he left me yako even when you get married at the end of it which you're going to face that last part alone so as much as you do not forget yourself as an individual so you're in there suffering in it no no no you need to differentiate you need to separate yourself as a person so you can help the other person change if you think this person is be strong then and then help your partner get strong and get out of whatever problem they're into alcoholism violence then you need to speak there's some underlying the mental illness or problem there so a normal person will not pull up his hand and hit you you will find amikambu better solutions to solve your problems so I don't know you can't tell me that because I'm married you are wrong but no no no I really like that we we touch some you know you've seen how she's giving us advice from top to bottom that you did a good job thank you but yes I do agree with you that's not to see blame Dini to see blame charge to see blame any other institution that is religious because I believe they're like hospitals abondani kuna punta ko ICU kuna doctoria pundani kuna nurse just know the difference yeah okay kuna outpatient kuna mo niya ko kakoma just please just know the difference hashtag is up seat up you or why in the morning okay what happens when let's say monewe umeona I'm also being toxic I'm also being a bit toxic here yes nona nikaia ilim tubure but I want you to grab up a moja how do you now get yourself out of that situation how do you get back to focus where you're supposed to be going when you start being toxic yourself I think there is the drive taking you there me feel personally I'm not a toxic girlfriend so I can never be toxic without the drive something driving you there is that push taking you to that side so I feel if your self is toxic and you feel that your boyfriend or so-called master right is toxic also the relationship ain't right what is toxic in this what is toxic can you define toxic that's a very good question yeah what do you think toxic is what do you think toxic is is when you're yourself self centered in the relationship when it's all about yeah it's all about benefiting you so it's all about you you think oh this I need to control this guy to my own level yeah to my own benefit is there like a level of possession like your mind and if I can't have you no one will yeah yeah exactly or it's also toxic that's not clingy and or it's being sweet clingy is toxic I feel so I think toxic I think toxic is when someone is now you're not now helping one another in the relationship because we agreed from the beginning the reason why you're in the marriage is to help one another towards your destinies and they can be different or the same so if you're not moving towards some future go because we need to get back to reality this life is for some time so what do you want to accomplish during this time that you're together and you know if you found someone then you're very lucky you should count yourself very lucky so toxic toxic is when you're not concentrating on the bigger things in life you're just concerned with the I'm a kujekama me chilewa he's drunk and you know if someone is drinking and beating you then there's the first two words you don't want to just tell them stop drinking if you want to help an addict or someone who's doing something toxic you want to find the reason why he's doing it or they are doing it so then if you deal with the reason then we will now solve whatever is causing whatever yes level of commitment there yes so I think toxic is when you don't have a future if you got married into this because you know hot love nojom mimona oh she's so beautiful she's so hot it's all hands on me he has money whatever reason why and it's up to you to like whatever you like it a person so you're now together and you've not stopped going towards whatever you're supposed to yes so you here now and you're ready here and you're not supposed to stop divorce is never advised it's it if you're there it's up you made the wrong decision she's feeling something talk to me talk to me talk to me divorce is not advisable but if you feel like divorcing that guy girl divorce no I don't think so divorce this is advise me I advise people to live marriages as early as possible I advise people to live relationships as early as possible as early as they start being I don't know if you you know what I see there is this there is this a cycle of being a narcissist or being toxic anaku kusia leo tomorrow he start treating you good he apologizes and he build this lavidavi person and so you forgive him oha and go back to the same cycle to the same beating to the same everything to the same so if if that cycle happens once twice that let's agree on something here you guys met one another wherever you did in a club or whatever and then you decided hey we like each other let's go make a home and now you're in this house you're not talking about marriages or boyfriend just whatever relationship you're in so you made the decision so both of you made the decision to be together so there was something that you both of you liked in one another so then going on forward with the relationship you find mmm I don't know I don't like him anymore he's doing things that I don't like I don't like her anymore there's this this so what you've do what you've done is disconnected you're not now speaking from so you've lost what you were doing from before and I don't advise for divorce and I will not advocate for it because what you're saying is I will abandon this person and their issues and move on to a better person I mean come on everyone no one is perfect you will move on to even your soulmate is going to have issues and the reason why you're together is so you can help compliment one another so if you divorce for me is abandoning someone in a life I feel like if you decide that you are going to be in a marriage or in a relationship with this person then decide also to help this person I don't feel I don't feel no no no let me let me talk to you you know you shouldn't you shouldn't just stay there let person kill you just because you you agreed to marry him or her because you made a covenant there are measures to take there are measures exactly when that person get to your limit when that person get to you you know you feel no I can't take it anymore and just leave don't wait to be yourself just because you want to this marriage covenant to work come at this marriage thing to our right let me just interrupt both of you I think if you and interrupt both of you we need a couple of comments take a deep breath ladies all right so we are asking on the comments this is our twitter feed and we have noisy cartoon says okay some boys is there's nothing like you says what could be useless to you could be meaningful to me and vice versa my bad is your good and the other way round and the jail positiva says tired comrade says useless girlfriend dot dot long nails waste beads extra makeup pati smoking and drinking alcohol is only red flag science all right so can we start but of how do you feel about this particular list of how people have been categorized as people are pati to begin with if I am working it's a nice place like see yourself how do you you will not have I work in a hair salon so my nails need to be shot you work at PR people need to see you need to be smart so how do you tell me now I'm useless because I look good it's just pati you need to go find someone from somewhere and furthermore you ain't finding my looking good so I'm looking good on my own self I'm looking good on my own money you ain't finding that and you call me useless is there a possibility that someone feels a bit threatened when they see you looking the way you do a graphikina so they want to approach you but they are like so damn I mean the way it just looks is not cheap so how am I going to manage as well instead that comes out as violence always you are telling me kufa make up mispennangima no you know find someone who suits you find someone who doesn't like make up but you are not paying away when you feel I use the kufa aku pendevile uko then you know I feel I feel have you heard of this story that uh Uyo Sungora taima li kwa nataka kufiki amatunda kwa meti alipo shindwa alianza kusima yoma tunda yime yosa so exactly when you you don't come on Fiki they know to the standard of that that that that lady unanzaku sema oh siji make up oh siji kucha siji ni excuse us excuse us measuring up too let's go back to the person you agree to that is K.E. some boy says Akusma there's nothing like useless which could be like basically another man's mate is another one's poiza well I don't think because there are options like you said I don't think because there are options and because this person is no longer serving I mean yes let's agree kuna relationship itafika mahali this person will kill you and this the thing is for me if if you're in a relationship with someone for whatever reason you personally decided to get in there it's it's in him it's it's not okay for you to abandon this person now because you're not measuring up I think you should invest time just as you invested time and money and body for you to work on the relationship so now do the same now and invest time and resources and do whatever you can to help this person out of it and if it does not work from there then just pray to go to allow death and natural death to just separate does that okay we've been touching mostly on gender based violence perhaps now this is why there's an extreme of agro kablo kufe but does that include things like you know basic Jason Durulo diana juzi nimeske he was being cheated and I was saying jenim rainbow anyway does that include something like that cheating yeah does that not just in marriage but that's not e concept here ride or die mtani yambia where we are going where we are readying to and why we have to die does that include that like for example your person maybe cheats on you then because now you are invested you are going to invest then why is he cheating on you from is it from you is it you who is not reciprocating them is it you who is not playing your role well oh my goodness there is this people we call serial cheaters okay who no matter what you do but what you do then why did you if he is a serial cheater because they are people critical they are people who know how to mask up before you get into that situation deeply you did not take the time let me tell you you got married probably in six months then it's not a problem no not only six months I've got a story of a woman who dated called chip yani wali date for six years ilia kwe married but the moment she set her foot in the marriage the guy started cheating the guy became a serial cheater and became that doesn't mean virology actually that doesn't mean logic because in six years you can't tell me the person has been faithful and then the moment you get married is being you're just not doing your research I think maybe you were cheating before yes he was you just not you were just okay you know you know you could be because you're dating someone and we say love is blind it's a statement we like to throw around and especially the first impressions as you said you see someone and he meets whatever ticks you know you have like a kali I want tall I want dark I want this so he meets this and then you're blind all of a sudden and you cannot see the ETCs and you cannot tell me they're eating for six months for six years you will not notice this person let me tell you there are people who know how to mask up you need they mask up themself and they give you a totally different impression of who they are and things come to explode later he is what my past that told me I'm going to bring the address of an elderly person he said and oh not he's not elderly if he hears I say the elderly anyway so he said this if you're going to get married to someone first thing is know each other's families in a relationship we agreed kwanzaa kama wawana did for money and ETC we ever talk you're not in a relationship you're doing it burikabisa so we're addressing the person who is now looking for goal term for long term goals yes so if you're going to if you want to get tied to a person he said you need to see his family and he needs to see your family and there's no option and there is absolutely no option and then he said he gave us an example you have to be matched about how you're doing these things get him to invite him to your place or vice versa and then when you're there just ta futa mamam ze hapukwa kijiji just someone and go and tell them not from the family now na jumeona you can study when you see the family you will know they will not be able to hide it and if you cannot get it from them and you're saying they're crafty and they know how to mask it then look for a neighbor and you will know how to mask it and you will know just an elderly person when you have seen this family ask the mama I've been married here you have to be smart because you know you're doing this for a lifetime I'm getting married here what do you think if it's a wrong place the mother will be like hey why who put her in that will you because she knows the problem and you know you can never hide it's hard to hide these things and if it's an okay family she will probably do something like hey rukona you know you will see from the body language you will see from how she reacts from it so I think some of these things you can at cheetah you're just being lazy if you're marrying a serial cheetah because a serial cheetah will be cheating on you every time you're just not doing your research and there's the other thing let know each other's families because you're getting tied to them and their family whether you like it or not because these are the people who have raised this person so anafanananakwao so if you cannot get whatever he is from him then you can get it from his people so you're not saying that after doing this you will not be in a perfect relationship but chances are you will not be married to someone you will know who you're getting married to yes I think it's very practical but now no it sounds nice in theory okay because I'm not disputing it I'm just saying okwa ground ubitunikido go to 40 because we had the same topic and we were asking is it a must that when you meet your significant others parents come and date like if it's a must after that that means marriage but some people said it's not a must because things yes could happen but now the narrative was people don't even want to go see their parents they just first get children and then now the children will take them to their parents yes because then okay there is no otherwise if it's it's on you because you did not do the research to understand if amilekona anger issues these people they beat their parents and it comes from home most of the time so you didn't do the research and here's the thing if you know you're getting married to someone who's a cheetah and someone who gets angry then you know how to deal with these people because we are agreeing let's just agree no one is perfect everyone will always have a shortcoming is it possible knowing is better than getting into it and then it's coming onto you all of a sudden and you're like oh he's not na kia kwa iwo tuki anza iti see no no no no it's no is it possible that we we get into such relationships with with the expectation that atta change I will change them atta see atta change amma I can change them nita train no we do it no one changes by the way by training people change when they want to change that includes girl child too it's not just about the guys yes so help me do you think that perhaps maybe you nakanam to asama eh wu yu he doesn't know how to handle money but I can teach him wu yu he keeps looking at other girls but I will wear sexy a klut mm mm a girl too too actually let me tell you I had this guy one time I was dating and um this guy was kind of you know I was I was kind of well I'm a stabilized than him so I was like the provider make a provider you know kwa ampatia everything he wanted and I would give him the money actually I'm so listen wa atua wabi you got to my defense yeah actually yes let me tell you I was like this guy will learn atta chance a job and he will will grow together let me tell you establish family it's got to to a place he needed some money and I took a loan for him yes because I love I in fact I mean love and you know he that by that time he was working and so I my trust I wasn't even red flag already before he even finished and there's so many okay we're just letting so that is that is the analogy that I was changing so I took a loan for him and he was like I was like he was working and so I was expecting him to pay back let me tell you that guy wa alini misuse I had to pay the loan by myself we broke up he cheated on me let me tell you I was told by someone if you're ever thinking of getting in this institution that is marriage or something serious you have to get in because you never scare stories that you won't be able to get married or quit or blow jams so disclaimer please try for yourself understand what to see it's how to see red flags but try for yourself uskubali umtua kuchochendio ujito aya po okay kipenda wa pendeka but how did you deal with that sis we broke up I couldn't take it weh kwanza let me tell you he cheated on me so that one was the extreme point cheating on me did you have that conversation before afikei pati kukuchit did you have that conversation about money like sit down nimefanyaivi nevi because I think as Africans not just being you with us do you know what Africans don't like discussing finances yeah we really don't like like miu kiniu listen pesangapi na how much I earn I'll be high bro we'll be high bro but if you feel somewhere like China wuki pata na mtu kwa basi hai unetwa oh how much do you make like it's that eh you have to tell me what yes you draw that financial ine so did you have that conversation ama ule kwek tu ule muangaleto vi bias kumoja na wukum pikia ndo kawana we did actually we did for quite some time but you know he was this guy ah you know I'm trying out some things at a risk yu naile wa situishoni angu sayindul me peta job you know I'll pick one arrow but fate so that was okay when I was doing that I was in real sense that this guy is going to change and he is going to be you know did you see potential because I'm not nitpicking what you're saying but there is a point where we said tu si rushe umtu juhana kitu let's invest sindio na si she invested si hadu yu kaengiza pesa yu obet kidogo tu ikachome ikachomeika was she supposed to stay there ama to just call it quits ama there are things I didn't see but so pa shigo was she deserve kus she is in a wrong relationship haa haa violence violence you know what she deserve violence you're with this person and you're already playing wife and ETC you wouldn't help much of course because okay we had that we had that we had that goal after all we are going for marriage you know then you already jumped ahead of that kus here's the thing let's get into one house to kai famoja nali parantam no hey tunesa sevido if we can kus chair it is actually actually we aren't living together we weren't I'm just giving a scenario of okay fine you're not living together then you're living apart for then you've already taken up the role of your couple now and let me ask if there was an instance of maybe a pregnancy I'm not saying there was you would have kept the baby you've not been you would have been made parents right what do you feel is the mistake here baby's take was what was the relationship for marriage then wait did you who was the provider in this case did you discuss because I think that's the problem that's the biggest problem I personally as a Christian being in church the money is the provider and I'm not and I'm a feminist I believe in women power it is it is it but there's the natural order of things and that's the problem right now we have men who and it's not a problem I know a question you're going to say if it's not okay to nafani support actually now I was going to ask I was going to ask you know these things are seasonal COVID-19 has seen a lot of people unemployed so what happens if you were dating at the time and he lost his job would you call it quads first of all look if you're having sex and you're not married why are we bringing sex especially if they were they be saying that we're talking about money we're talking about money money yeah not sex okay why are you playing the role of providing and you're not in a marriage like my issue is where you're not married and you're providing because if you're speaking about if you're talking about a couple who's married and in a house then we can start discussing when he party he give me this give me that so if we don't have money we should not date no that's not what I'm saying what are you saying isn't it rose zawa to wa kwa kwa marriage what you're doing providing for your then you have courtship or wrong then well then you should start defining how the correct courtship and a relationship before marriage should look we are metaka okay wait okay just in this particular scenario tell me how you would have approached it you're dating someone yes let's let's say wait i've not set up the scenario for you you're you're doing this all right okay you're you're not having you're not being intimate you're not having any intimate relations you are going to the courtship process you are being led by other people who are ready in the institution that you are looking forward to being which is marriage but at some point he can't take you out like he used to and and not just that you know now he's out of his parents home and he's struggling to make ends meet you want to tell me this relationship will be on hold until he gets a job or in a relationship is to help one another when one falls short so the other one just pick them up but then these roles should be well and properly defined there is a person who should be the provider and then there is the person who is the roles are different you can know as a lady you cannot play the role of a man and as a man you cannot play the role of a woman so in this scenario we break up until you get a job no that's what I'm saying what I'm saying with her no no I've given yours this is what will happen so we are in a correct relationship we are doing it visuri visuri then don't let this person manipulate you because that was what he was doing and to the point where he is taking loans what was this loan for for like a business so that you could advance your agenda together or for a fund exactly did he do did you follow up did he do the business did he take her say I told you he got financially stable then then what happened then he left me to pay the loan a loan so when okay listen he was in he was not in a better position so I helped him out at that point but when he got there he left you he left he cheated I he didn't give me back the money of which he knew very well clearly it's a loan you know where these red flags it's the moment he's okay with asking for money favors all the time from the girlfriend he was in that at the moment she's okay we're giving even if your husband I think if I'm married well as my pastor will say it you have to be it's in kupanga pesa we're not we have to let a sasa mutu kupanga you do not just ask for favors and you be ready to give them because you love this person they will use you and they will manipulate you because not the exact factor of I like this person and I'm already blind I want to do everything and anything I can for this person or then you fail because this person might take advantage of you so you need to put boundaries you need to know if you fail unless you're starving and you see there's things you do not do do not allow this person to take advantage of you there must have been red flags I was not in the relationship but there must have been red flags actually because even when you're saying it you're saying I used to be the one to give him min do nampia min do nampia min do so you're already complaining from the beginning you feeling like this person is not doing you know at the time it felt a lot I can see I can understand it feels a lot jwata wezi ndakwambia mabishteyako e nili tumeyo umse then he hasn't it's already some small shame exactly I understand but you did it your intentions were pure exactly actually did it naively and then you got beats it's okay we live we learn even me have come from character institution I am an alumna so that's why I'm confident to have this panel with me so it's okay it's okay to learn a kwa ground literally it's okay to be hit in the face a little bit sit down problem umgoje e then you stand up again it really really is okay it's just not okay to stay in a place so that's hurting you on the inside okay don't do that leave go away hashtag is why in the money okay now time is about to depart however I want to ask I heard somewhere let's say you get married now the oh you get married now the person you are today is not the person you'll be in 10 years so your spouse will have married a person who is evolving and the opposite is true what happens if we just drift apart like atu dakosana I just feel you know what I feel like we were supposed to be in this life together for the next 10 15 years but I think it's over now bye no it's not okay I have people who have been married for 50 years and 60 years and living full lives who say marriage gets stronger is got stronger as time went on if your marriage is getting weaker or your relationship in this system is getting weaker then something is wrong and you need to work on it not just abandon your house what do you think I feel like when you're evolving or when you're growing in marriage there's some strategies that you should also put in place to make sure that your marriage is as lively as it was as you were starting so you should have a plan yes when we get here yes our marriage is boring but what should we do to light it up to bring us to the memories when we are dating when we are quoting when we are young you get used to somebody and so you should always look for something that will make you feel yes I feel new again I feel revived in the marriage and to give you the strength to continue because it's right so without that one at least you're going to get bored of each other you're going to feel like yes I thought you know the kind of person I married you've changed and I feel like we're drifting apart but you should strategize you should put into place things that will help you lighten up your marriage thank you we're in asaunt kazi mingi so what do you prepare don't get into our marriage is an investment just wait even if you're 40 you know Sarah was 70 and she comes in lemme tell you Jada Pinkett Smith you know Will Smith wife are the one who slapped Chris Rock yeah now Jada Pinkett's mom got married yes I think that's the baby daddy as in that's Jada's mom dad so she got married and then I think they divorced but years later they've come back to each other do you think now that's also possible kwa ground amani atua kuna pesa it's possible you were speaking as a person who supports divorce I don't support it I could support a separation my thing is ukulewa just be sure unenda and it's not long longsuffering doesn't even mean suffering for wrong reasons it's endueras and perseverance and knowing I'm dealing with a human as I am and if you're feeling chances are if this person is being toxic to you it's because you're probably they're probably feeling you're not okay for them too so you need to work the thing is when you're getting together just when you're getting for marriage it's not for you to taste and jump and jump if you're doing that example kuna title yako flani una fauna patiwa na siyo in my support for divorce okay don't get my point wrong in my support for divorce is where everything you've tried to make this marriage workout has failed you and you feel like you've tried to go talk to your pastors you've tried to go revive your marriage you've tried to pray for this but pray for this person he is not changing you've tried all the strategies you've separated for some time come back together and feel like no it's still not working seriously don't wait there and die but I don't support people to die in marriages I don't me neither you can get divorced me neither exactly then why don't you live instead go make your and not living this marriage to get into another marriage you're divorcing for your better self seriously I think you're all in the your hearts are pure it's just that she's not seeing why why you've let it go so far as to marry someone who's yeah she but I also agree with you there are some things that you might not see but also peer tijai fanya research kama yo kuhliza kuhenda kwa umutro alafu kuhliza neighbor eh tijai enda you extend so maybe perhaps maybe when we start being so intentional with our things yeah maybe when we be so intentional then the red flags will either show up sooner they must oh we're all human I mean people in forensics no people in what is this career called people who will read your body language to tell if you're lying or not then we'll tell you a human being is not made to lie the moment you lie there is something that something that will show you're lying so a cheetah a serial cheetah someone with anger issues someone with whatever problems they have kuna red flags and if you're serious you want to get married and wuna juwa marriage ita kusaidiana and just invest your time do not rush into it so kitu ya kwa ambiwa haia umefungiwa nyumba come toende kwangu niku pele you know in around and night time aliza two or three months if you bear me witness meaning it will not most of them don't even last a week or three weeks will you fall apart because you'll pay for the wrong reasons we have tired comrade who was telling us now he gave us a list about long nails and but he's trying to say ah, me sema tupati extra make up okay because I might have said make up he's making sure to say I said extra make up not just the normal watukunje wana weka wana kama vampa haia well don't look at that one man's meat is another man's point you know that woman invested a lot in that look by the way so if it is not you have to invest go get yourself a girl of course natural you team natural will go for team natural yes you have your own list of characteristics you have on your own in the list of that you saw just go on your checklist and then you come to cut team natural go for team natural and we are so many out here variety ni mingi usi kuna excuse wana wachana kubashia there are people for them so much violence on this set tired comrade I feel tired also wait wait wait wait wait okay okay part in short guys because really really time has I actually was afa kufunga tenana ram but I think time kido me potia kusoga so maybe let's start with you make it short give me your last words really whatever you want to tell the audience if it's you want to mind them what you do or if it's parting advice on the topic I want to speak to young girls specially high school and the ones in campus kuz up on your vitomingi is in agorom majority of them here's a thing get yourself busy don't be a busy body and don't be looking at everyone's lifestyle and comparing you to them I mean the bible will tell you kusama christian and I will not forget say that you will be judged alone whether you're married to a perfect man who does not beat you and loves you for eternity life is yours and it's personal so you need to think of your personal goals and your destiny and how you will associate yourself with people who are going to help yourself and girls and boys personal goals you can do that for yourself so oh the camera I'm supposed to look at that okay personal goals I will not forget your personal goals personal goals just you know figure yourself out the people around you will make you or break you and the people who you associate yourself with will also do the same so if you are serious namaishayako kichiakwanzo nafaku realize and notice is it's yours and it's yours individual and when you test the grave which you are all going to you're going to be alone so what will you have done with this life is your friend or your boyfriend or your husband going to be there no then from that perspective you will be able to know attract people who are going to be in support of whatever you're doing and in that same breath I want to say this if you don't know how to get yourself busy we have an organization you're based in kaiolem CBA is called community for kids and I want to appeal to schools and teachers especially um let's teach these kids how to keep busy I feel my heart bleeds when I walk in the streets and I find kids doing very keeping themselves busy with very unconstructive things let's teach them martial arts let's teach them gymnastics let's teach them athletics and let's train them to be competent in whatever God has given them naturally that means talent yes can I give my contact sure so um you can find us we have a video due to the nature of the sensitivity of the nature of the business you're doing and dealing with schools and kids you're not allowed to post most of these videos but we have one for just for you to get the idea you can watch us at youtube c4k my phone number is 0707 417924 you can reach out to book a show an entertainment show and we can show you how to be constructive with your time and doing things that we entertain and help the community thank you thank you girl for the people who are dating out there date with a purpose and make sure first your dating life is marked okay God is present present in your dating life include God in everything that you do pray literally for everything and be intentional in everything that you do but if you find the partner your dating is not the right one for you am I getting too toxic for you live channel on twitter in the morning now from myself valentine or at color meval and the real amazing man Ramaguko we wish you a fantastic day see you when we see you