 Bring you our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden! It's time once again for another comedy episode of our Miss Brooks dance guide. But first, you get rid of the more tangible part. But one exception, perhaps is on the friendliest of terms with her fellow English teachers at Madison High School. The lone exception being Miss Daisy Enright. You might call Miss Enright and me friendly enemies, that is, we're enemies because we're both friendly with Mr. Boynton. But since I was stuck at home with a cold most of last week, Miss Enright was able to out-friend me with him by dating him every night. So there we were, me in with a steaming inhalator, and her out steaming Mr. Boynton. Well, after a restless night, I got up at 6.30 Friday morning, roused my landlady, and a few minutes later we were in the breakfast room. For an un-nursely hour to keep giving up, how do you feel, Connell? Un-nursely, Mrs. Davis. I had to look at myself in the mirror, and I think my face broke. Oh, goodness. That's seven years bad luck. Let's put them on my bill. I have a treasury town in the Bad Luck Union. What are we having for breakfast? I'm afraid it'll be rather stupid, dear. You know that Rhode Island horn I'm keeping in the best yard. The one that the butcher told me would lay in the forest every morning, dear. The poor little thing didn't feel up to it this morning. Well, don't look at me. I don't feel up to it either. I'll just have some coffee. You're out of coffee, dear. I need tea. I'll take tea then. I drank it. Here's a glass of milk. It's nice and cold, isn't it? The toast is. Close the milk. I think it's a good idea to have cold drinks during the unseasonable hot four we're having. The weather's really been bomby. Aren't we all? Mr. Boyden remarked that it seemed like summer when he called me late last night. He promised to call me early in the evening, but he was unable to get home until after midnight. What took him out so late? A Rhode Island hen named Miss Enright. She happened to drop by in her car. Then she happened to take Mr. Boyden for a drive. Then she happened to run out of gas. Yes, in the Hills match. Mr. Boyden told me all about it. Had to walk three miles to a service station, then three miles back with a can of gas. A six mile house. Imagine. Then what happened, Tommy? Nothing. Miss Enright was so pooped out from that long walk, she just drove him home. Miss Enright hiked to the gas station. Yes, he said he felt it his duty as a man to stick to the car and see that nobody stole it. Well, how do you like that? Mr. Boyden isn't the most romantic chap in the world, is he? No, but he ranks right behind Barry Fitzgerald. He didn't make a date with me for tonight, though. He's going to take me out. Out for a panel. Out to his backyard. The weather's been so mild, he suggested that we have a barbecue out there, Mrs. Davis. But didn't he dipped into his stool kit yesterday and built a barbecue kit out of an old bathtub? My boot is handy, isn't it? The stool, yes, but give him a woman and he's all thumbs. Good morning, Harriet. Oh, hi, Miss Brooke. Welcome back to stool. Thanks. Oh, I was also sorry to hear about your coals. There are an awful lot of germs going around also. Yes, but let's leave Miss M right out of this. I got you a report to your father, Harriet, routine check-in, you know. Mr. Conklin's in his office, I suppose. Well, he is, but I better warn you, Miss Brooke, that he's in a very nasty mood this morning. It's Todfish Falls Day. Todfish Falls Day? Is that a legal holiday? I guess you don't understand. You see, every Friday, Mother makes Todfish Falls for dinner, and Daddy hates them so much it just ruins his whole day thinking about him. Lately, he's hit upon a cunning scheme to palm him off on a guess. On a guess? That I don't understand either. Well, last Friday, Daddy invited Miss M right over for dinner, and this morning he offered her another invitation, but this time he turned it down. You see, Mother just cooked enough for the family, Miss Brooke, so when Daddy gives his portion of the dish, there's nothing Mom can do about it. That'll give you an idea how to grin when he feels about Todfish Falls. I imagine the Todfish feel the same way about him. This is all very enlightening, Harriet, but I really must go in and record. See you later. All right, Miss Brooke, bye now. Good morning, Mr. Conklin. Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite, he's dead. Bless you, Miss Brooke, bless you. I would warm the cockles of my heart to see you again. Your nasty cold kept you away from me for several days. You're not a girl. You simply must make up for it by letting me see more of you, mustn't you? Forgive me, sir, but I don't understand. My dear, I want you to come over to my house tonight for dinner. Now, I do. I mean, I'm sorry, sir, but I have a date with Mr. Bondon. With Bondon, you say? We'll bring him along no more, the matter is. God, what a ball you'll have. You will have the ball, Mr. Conklin. Mr. Bondon and I have already made plans for a little barbecue in his backyard. A barbecue? Oh, a barbecue, eh? No doubt you'll be feasting on my favorite barbecue ribs. Yes, we'll have ribs. I can use the hot sauce. With hot sauce. I have an idea. Since you can't come to my house, suppose I join you in Bondon and you'll have a million laughs. Sorry, there'll be just enough food for two. Well, I'd better get busy. If I make for the day of intensive work, perhaps I'll be able to get those things off my mind. That's the ticket. With. You may go now, Mr. O. Yes, sir. Goodbye and a happy work day to you, sir. And a happy back to school day to you. And a happy car to school day to you. Mr. Bondon? Of course. Gosh, you're a type of sore-eyed. I want to thank you for being so thoughtful when I had my cold, Mr. Bondon. Did you like the gift? Very much. I still have some left. Glad you liked it. It's the nicest box of Kleenex I ever got. Just a little remembrance, that's all. So you were locked in at home for quite a spell. Must feel good to get out, huh? Oh, yes, indeed. I can't begin to describe the eagerness with which I'm looking forward to this evening, Mr. Bondon. We ought to have loads of fun. We? We, we, we, yes. You and me, us. Apparently there's been a misunderstanding. Tonight I have a date with Ms. Enright. I'll say there's been a misunderstanding. Mr. Bondon, when you called me last night, who distinctly said, and I quote, we'll have a barbecue in my backyard tomorrow night. Oh, I get it now. When I informed you, Ms. Brooks, if you recall it was after midnight. So when I said tomorrow night, I didn't mean tonight. I meant tomorrow night, which is tomorrow. In the motion picture, I, Ms. Brooks, hold the bag again. God, I'm sorry if I've disappointed you. Well, you have. I wouldn't deliberately hurt your feelings for the world, you know that. Ms. Enright and I wouldn't want to hurt Ms. Enright either. Wait a minute. I have a suggestion that might meet with your approval. Suppose I hold the barbecue tonight and have both of you over. You and Ms. Enright. Is that your best offer? Well, I can do. Then I accept. But will there be enough food? Oh, don't worry about that. Ms. Enright and I went to the movies last Wednesday and it was grocery night. I want a whole box of stuff, big enough to feed our horse. Ms. Enright, but what about us? Now, just one brushing with Colgate Devil Queen removes up to 85% of the... So the barbecue was to be a triple-decker affair with Mr. Boyden, Ms. Enright, and me in the middle. Well, since I've always been one to blush at playing the lettuce in the maternal triangle sandwich, I discreetly avoided contact with Ms. Enright during our morning classes. At noon, I sold into the school cafeteria and upon making certain that her saddle was not hanging in the check room, I proceeded to my usual table where Walter Denton greeted me with characteristic effusions. The salutations are very sorry. Sorry, Bernie. Your recent absence from these hallowed halls chased me to the Christmas books, but now I rejoice to see you back in harness. Thanks, Walter. Pull up a chair for me and I'll hitch hold Robin to the chair. Now, certainly, how about this corner one? Nicely can feel, isn't it? That's perfect because if Ms. Enright should come in, I'd like to avoid her. Harry, you told me Mr. Boyden's going to have a barbecue in his backyard tonight and Ms. Enright's been invited. So have I. Well, you too? It's co-educational. Well, I hope you have a lot of fun. What are you going to barbecue? Ms. Enright, I hope. You shouldn't say things like that, Ms. Boyden, and you are the fact that she's constantly praising your beauty. I really can't understand your aversion to Ms. Enright. Why, all of this morning she passed a very complimentary remark about your hair, I thought. Ms. Enright did? What did she say? Or she said that you have the loveliest blonde hair she's ever seen on a blue neck. She claims that she's naturally blonde. Let's drop Ms. Enright, shall we? I think if we try real hard, we might come up with a more pleasant topic. Well, I know that, Walter. Oh, hi, Ms. Enright. The cafeteria is a bit crowded today. May I sit here with you and your mother? Yes. Mother, I'm with you, Ms. Brooks. Oh, forgive my taking you for Walter's mother, darling, but you are looking younger every day. Thanks, Grandma. Let's pull up a sturdy couch and sit down. Oh, yes, ma'am. But this chair will do. Excuse me a minute, ladies. I've got to go and get some pie. Hold my place. I'll be right back. How nice to be alone with you, Ms. Brooks. I do enjoy your company. As many as I can, Mr. Burton told me that we'll all be together at the barbeque tonight. And I was delighted to learn that you're going to hand in on us. My pleasure. Oh, if you don't mind me, darling, if you fail to show up, I'll simply die. That's okay. You'll still have eight more lives to go. I do adore your sense of humor, Ms. Brooks. It might interest you to know that I made a date with Mr. Bronson for this coming Sunday. It's my birthday. Your birthday? I knew it was coming. I had to bake the bomb. All right, now let's stop fencing. Lay our cards on the table, shall we? As for me... Lay her out of pie, Clark, and ice cream. Don't interrupt, Walter. As for me, Ms. Brooks, I have more cherry-star friendship with the deepest possible degree of repugnant. I love you, darling, from the bottom of my heart. From the way back there... Ms. Enright, I'm shocked. I think you ought to apologize for those terrible things you said to Ms. Brooks. That's for all. Excuse me, folks. Oh, hello, Mr. Vaughn. Dear Mr. Vaughn, you do sit down. There's a chair for you right over here, Mr. Vaughn. Just walk around, Ms. Enright. That's too long a trip. He might run out of gas. I'll just take your chair, Ms. Brooks. Mine? I saw Mr. Colton a minute ago, and he wants you to get right back to your classroom. To miss a few days of school, you're behind in some reports, which must be turned into for your afternoon classes, Ms. Brooks. Oh, great. Well, I'll catch up with you later, Mr. Vaughn. Oh, long, Walter. Yeah, sorry, Ms. Brooks. Goodbye, Connie. Goodbye, Daisy. I like that, Ms. Enright. What, Mr. Vaughn? The way you and Ms. Brooks address each other with such affection. It really gives me a warm feeling inside. Here you two are dating the same man tonight, and yet you're utterly free of petty jealousies. Well, I've known women in similar circumstances who do nothing but her old catty remarks at each other. That's something I can't stand. Really, Mr. Vaughn? Yes, indeed. But a wholesome, warm-hearted woman of good will who at all times speaks endearingly of another woman? Well, that's the woman for me. Well, that's very interesting. But you know how I feel about Ms. Brooks. She's not only remarkably intelligent, but breathtakingly beautiful. Huh? I like you for saying that, Ms. Enright. Wait a minute. Just a minute. Before Mr. Boyden came over here, you made her ice cream, Walter. Yes, Mr. Boyden. Every time I see Ms. Brooks, I just want to hug her like the doll she is. Please, Ms. Enright, not while I'm eating. So, if you want to get anywhere with Mr. Boyden, you've just got to be a wholesome, warm-hearted woman of good will, Ms. Brooks. It's the old story. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. But I couldn't be so hypocritical as to coat Ms. Enright with honeyed words, Walter. Well, just feed her the honey when Mr. Boyden's around. The minute he's done, he can slipper the vinegar again. I think you ought to give it a whirl with the barbecue, Ms. Brooks. But what have you got to lose? Well, maybe it is worth a try. All right, Walter, I'll take along some mother-filled pills and hug her like a doll. Thanks for the tip. Yeah, I'll mention it. See you later, Ms. Brooks. Oh, why are you hurting, Walter? Oh, I turned to the phone booth to call home, Mr. Boyden. My folks are going to visit relatives today, so I want to remind them to leave some money for me so I can have dinner at the drugstore. I guess I'll have to dine alone. Alone? Under the drugstore? Nonsense. I have plenty of food, Walter. Would you like to join us at the barbecue? You also have one, boy. I'll be there with Wayne. Good afternoon, Gordon. Good afternoon, sir. Oh, what sheer delight it is to see you, Ms. Tackler. If there's anything that brings boundless joy to these tired old eyes, it's the sight of our beloved principal, whose evil personality and outstanding leadership have won him their love and respect. Are they ready? Come on! Thank you, sir. That's no way to talk to the boy who may someday be your son-in-law. Out of my sight, Boob! Bye, Mr. Boyden. Bye, Mr. Tackler. Mr. Boyden, my friend, I understand you're going to have a barbecue tonight in your backyard. Suppose I join you there and we'll have a million laughs. I'd like very much to invite you, Mr. Cousin, but, well, I've already invited Walter Denton, and obviously you don't get along well with him. Mr. Boyden, shall I tell you a little secret about Walter? What? I love that boy. What time do we eat? I think I'll have to go. I think I'll get some more charcoal for the barbecue pit, Miss Brooks. Excuse me. Surely? Strange. Every time I turn my back, I seem to hear a peculiar sound. Hard to describe. Maybe it's my imagination, but... Oh, it must be. I didn't hear anything. I see you're making individual servings of hot sauce in separate pots, Mr. Boyden. Yes. Cute, aren't they? I wouldn't really call it hot sauce, though. Out of deference to the fair sex, I'm making it rather mild. How very considerate. Well, we men can take the real peppery stuff, Miss Brooks, but I wouldn't want to make it too hot for you. You never have. What's that, Miss Brooks? A skippet. Lovely night, isn't it, Mr. Boyden? The firelight dancing in our eyes. Shadows playing softly through the trees. The stars like settlement pendants hanging aloft. The full, lustrous moon. Yes, indeed. This would be a great night for trapping gophers, Miss Brooks. They often come out of their burrows on nights like this, you know. Gophers are... Without the trap, here comes one now. Ah, there, Miss Henry. Good evening, dear Mr. Boyden. And there, Miss Brooks, you look dimly gorgeous. Oh, and your ravishing, your facial contour is a magnificent. And your figure. Excuse me, girls. I've got to keep an eye... Well, go on, Miss Brooks. What are you going to say about my figure? Just that if your girdle snaps, we won't have any room for the payment. Well, in that case, we could simply throw this... Oh, something wrong, Mr. Boyden? It's nothing serious. I just nicked my hand slightly with a barbecue knife. Oh, well, come along inside with me, Mr. Boyden. I'll manage your little hand for you. Oh, you're very kind. Now, come along inside with me. You might not barely get in. What a place. What are you doing, Miss Brooks? Hello, Walter. Hello, Miss Boyden. He's inside with Florence Nightingale. Hi, Mr. Boyden. He's turned his back on me this evening. The force is cooking an individual pot, Walter. So I'm fixing this one up special for Miss Enright. Yes. But isn't that tobacco sauce you're pouring in it? Uh-huh. So far, I've poured in about a... Oh, well. You're pouring in it? Uh-huh. So far, I've poured in about a... Six more than half a pint. Mary, Maggie, she used that sauce. She'll explode. That's all right. I'll stick my fingers in my ears. When I save her this little grenade, I've got a hunch she'll let me have Mr. Boyden to myself tonight. Look, maybe she won't suspect me if you save it, Walter. Would you mind? Mind? It'll be a pleasure. Thank you a lot, Miss Enright. I certainly appreciate it. Oh, hello, Walter. Hi, Miss Boyden. How are you, Miss Enright? Oh, it couldn't be better. But since I had abandoned poor Mr. Boyden's hand, he'll be unable to sit. If one of you would be good enough to volunteer, I have a recruit, Miss Enright. Walter Denham, Miss Sergeant First Class. Yes, please, Walter. I myself would volunteer, of course, but it's such a dreadfully hot night. You'll find as we get hotter as it goes along. I just think it's set up for you, Walter. Yes, thank you, First. Greetings, greetings, Walter Boyden. Hello, Mr. Conklin. Dear Mr. Boyden and Miss Enright. Walter's here, too, Mr. Conklin. Yes, good evening, sir. Walter, my boy, my boy. Come close to me, Sergeant. Huh? So when do we eat? You can all sit down, Arthur. I'll go help Miss Book. Oh, how's it going, Miss Book? Fine. These three plates contain steroids covered with Mr. Boyden's mild salt. This lethal plate here contains steroids covered with the Tabasco lemon candle for Miss Enright. May heaven have mercy on her soul. Now serve me now while you put on the coffee, Miss Book. Excuse me. Ah, here we are. Give me that succulent dish, then. Ah, now, ladies first, sir. Here's your plate, Miss Enright. No, it's this one. Yes. Where is it? How is it? It doesn't really matter, Walter. Well, that's what you think. Here you are. Now I'll just put my plate down here. Here's yours, Mr. Conklin. Bless you, bless you. You'll be perking in a minute. And here's yours, Miss Boyden. No, give that to Miss Book. It's all right for the coffee's ready. Yes, it's hot. I love real hot dogs. Sorry, sir, but I made my miles hot tonight. Well, where was the lightful? Now that I've entered this delectable morpher. Yes, Walter! Turn the hose on, may you move! It's like eating hot dogs! It's not to be that hot, sir. I'll try mine. Sure, try yours, Mr. Conklin. All together now. Walter! Walter! Walter, sit there, Boyden. Pour that hot coffee down my throat. It's only hot. How can you sit there calmly eating that plate? I'm lucky. I got the one with the delecto on. Leave Arden as our Miss Book returns in just a moment. Let's make the merry-go-round. Now, once again, here is our Miss Book. Well, as for sampling Mr. Boyden's barbecue sauce from a recipe entitled, I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire, I just want to give you a little heartburn. Mr. Conklin, Walter Dunham, and Miss Enright fled the scene, leaving me alone with the basketball biologist. I can understand it. I have many recipes for hot sauce, Miss Book. So I just give them one of my marled ones. That's too bad. I guess I spoil the party for you. Spoil the party? Certainly. Instead of being surrounded by your friends, particularly Miss Enright, now you'll have to spend the evening with just me. Well, we all have to make sacrifices now and then. I forgive you, Mr. Boyden. You who? You mean it, Miss Book? I think I could kid you for that. I think you could, too. I hate it when you are. I know I'll blurt like the very dickens, but well, just one kiss. Here you are. Well, Mr. Boyden? You're out of it. Well, that's the lucky thing. I gave him one of my marled ones. It's taken our lips broad to teach his English at night.