 Mystery House, that strange publishing firm owned by Dan and Barbara Glenn, where each new novel is acted out by the Mystery House staff before it is accepted for publication. Mystery House. Well, Barbie, tonight's Mystery House story deals with blackmail, doesn't it? It certainly does, Dan. It's called Soft for the Goose. That's an intriguing title. Let's go. Adjust a minute, Dan, before you do. Here's a message from our sponsor for the Goose. Our story opens with Joe Ward, a private detective, driving to a party with his girlfriend, Mary Bar. Well, here we are. And Joe, if the Jenkins wanted to play bridge after dinner, please don't refuse. Bridge? Hey, you're doing well enough to get me to come to the Jenkins for dinner. You didn't say anything about bridge with those stuffed shirts. I'm going to make a human being out of you yet. Okay. Okay. Mine, not the reason why. It's December 3, 14. To what to the third floor? Our ring. It might at least live in a building with an elevator. Go the walk or do your good. Yeah. Hey, Mary, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Do you smell anything funny? Why? It smells like gas. Don, right it does. It's coming right from this apartment here. The door's locked. Give me your nail file. Wait a minute. Here it is. Yeah, thanks. Now, I think the timer is clicked. Let's see. Look out. Stand back, Mary. Stand back. See where's the door. Oh, Joe, you aren't going in there. Of course I am. I'll be right back. Fasten out. Thank goodness you're still breathing. We've got to get her to the hospital right away. Find out what this is all about. The nurse said room 205. Is that right here? After you, my dear? Thank you. How's our patient? Who are you? Oh, I saw. That's right. You wouldn't know, of course. This is Miss Mary Barnes, and I'm Joe Wood. We're the folks who got you out of your apartment. Oh, I suppose I ought to thank you. No, it isn't necessary. Well, thank you for nothing. Now, I'll just have to do it all over again. Oh, come on. It can't be that bad, miss. Things are never that bad. You'd like to know how bad it is. That's why you're here, isn't it? You think maybe it's an exciting story? Why, of all the ungranted truth. What did you expect, Miss Barnes? I knew what I was doing when I turned on that gas, and I knew what I wanted to do. I took nerve to do it. Don't ever let anybody tell you that only a coward commits suicide. I know different. It takes a lot of courage. Courage? Sure it does. Also, it takes a mighty stupid view of things. But you can't... Oh, yes I can. You were any other dizzy redhead. Not a brain in your head. That's my guess. Why, you big... Get out! I said get out! Just who do you think you are, anyway? Well, first of all, I'm a guy who's always barging into other people's business. And right at the moment, I'm a guy who's trying to find out whether a certain girl's feelings are completely deadened. I don't think they are. What do you mean? If you were completely whipped, you wouldn't give a lead nickel what anybody thought about you. I could insult you all night. It wouldn't make any difference to you. But you do care. So, things can't be altogether hopeless. All right, I'm properly grateful for all you've done for me. You were wonderful. You saved my life when I don't want it. So now leave me alone. I don't think we're making much of a hit show. You'll catch on. Maybe we'd better go. No, before we go anyplace, I want to know some of the answers. It wouldn't do anybody any good. But maybe I could help you. Nobody could help me. Well, why not let me be the judge of that? Suppose you're entitled to something for your trouble. I haven't gotten money, so the best I can do is give you a story. It's not a very pretty story. We're listening. There's many romance in it and not much excitement. I was a clerk in the Johnson's men's wear store, a really smart haberdashery. I know the store. Go on. Well, one day about a year or so ago, I'd been having a rush of business. By ten o'clock in the morning, a well-dressed man came up to me. I'd want to look at a shirt, please. Yes, sir. We're having a failure day on these plain white ones. You're playing the French Cup 265. They're 350 values, just as advertised. One of these should be all right. 15-and-a-half collar, 33 sleeve length. Yes, sir. Here's a five-hour bill. Thank you. Your change and package will be back in just a minute, sir. All right. Oh, say, I'd like a good linen handkerchief for my coat pocket. Let me see. This is a nice one right here. Rolled out just hamsticks. Excellent linen. How much? A dollar each. Six for five dollars. I guess one will be enough. Oh, here's your package. And here's your change. That was $270 with the tax. Let me see. $275, 34, and one is five dollars. But I want the handkerchief now. A dollar you said? A dollar, too, with tax. All right. I guess I have a couple of pennies. Let me see. Here they are. Well, I'll have the handkerchief wrapped up for you. No, that's all right. I'll just stick it into my pocket. Here. Look all right? Very nice. Oh, I better make out a sales ticket on it. I'm in a hurry, Miss. Could you help me, please? Just a moment. Thank you, sir. Now, ma'am, what would you like? I want to look at those neckties in the case. Those right there. I always pick out my husband. I didn't know it at the time, but the man was from the personnel investigation bureau, a firm that investigated sale people to see whether they were on it. I was busy all the rest of the morning, late getting away for lunch. I hurried back, and there was a message for me that my boss wanted me to go to see a Mr. Carson in the latent square building. I went up to his office and said... Sit down. Oh, thank you. I suppose you're wondering why you're here. Well, yes, I am. You didn't think anybody'd ever catch up with you, did you? What? What do you mean? Don't remember me, do you? Well, I know it. Oh, wait a minute. You bought a shirt from me this morning. And a handkerchief. Remember? I bought a handkerchief, too. Well, wasn't everything all right? Everything was not all right. Miss Moran, your boss hired me to find out whether or not his employees were on it. How long have you been robbing him? Why, you... But the idea, you can't talk to me that way. Come off the high horse. You're a thief and you're caught. I'm not a thief. I never took anything that didn't belong to me in my life. Sure. That's what they all say. If you're so honest, why didn't you turn in that dollar sale you made to me this morning? I was so busy, I never got a sales ticket made out on it. But the money's in the back of my cash book. I'll turn it in as soon as I get back. Oh, no, you won't. Because you're not going back. But the money's there. I haven't cheated anyone out of anything. I was busy. I just didn't get a chance to make money. You had all the chance you're going to get. The money's not in your cash book now, and you don't get a chance to put it back. That'll be getting off pretty easy. Look, here, I'm not a thief. I work hard for every cent I earn at Johnson. Sister, you're on the road to jail right now. But you've got to believe me. I believe what I see. And what's more, I know how much you've stolen all together. All together? You think there's more? I know it. You're insane. I never touched a penny of that store's money. All together? It comes to $1,000. A thousand dollars? Boy, that's ridiculous. I wouldn't know what to do with that much money. You didn't know it added up to that much, did you? Dollar one day, two dollars a night. You worked in that store over two years. I wouldn't be surprised if you've taken more than that. But, uh, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. This simply can't be true. Things like this, you read about them, but they just don't happen. Yeah? Well, it's happening to you right now. And I've got good evidence. Plenty good to stand up in any court. Court? Oh, but you wouldn't. I wouldn't? That's my business. I'd send you to jail in a minute. Jail is where you belong. But you're wrong. That's what they all say. And I'm going to give you another chance. What do you mean by that? How much money have you been able to steal? How much money have you been able to save out of what you've been knocking down? I tell you, I haven't taken it. Give it to me. How much money have you got? Well, nearly 300 dollars. I'm going to give you a chance. You make up that thousand dollars and I can keep Johnson from prosecuting. But I tell you, I do. Now listen, sister, I don't care what you tell me. Now get this through your head. You've been caught with a good. We go to court and we can send you behind the bars. There'll be plenty of publicity too. There'll be marks for life. But it's not true. That dollar is in my cash book. I know it isn't. And I know it isn't. I checked this new while you were out to lunch. You probably bought your lunch with it. Are you going to make up what you stole from your boss while you're going to jail? But I tell you, I didn't take anything. You've got to believe me. No, no, I don't. I'm not in this business for my health. I get half of everything I can turn back to your boss. That's why I'm not particularly interested in sending you to jail. Gail, you don't do him any good and you don't do me any good either. What do you want me to do? I want you to sign a full confession. I have it all written out for you. I'll do no such thing. I'm not guilty of anything and I'm not admitting something I didn't do. Big brave word, you little tramp. How dare you! Sit down and quit the acting. I've been through it before with better actresses than you. Now, sign this paper. No. Sign it and you get a chance to pay me back the money. A thousand dollars. If you were to sign it, you go to jail. Sign it and Johnson and I are the only ones who will ever know that you're a thief. Don't sign it and everybody in the world finds out about you. A lawyer. That's a laugh. Lawyers want clients who aren't guilty. But I'm not. Now listen. I know how to get my evidence and I've got it on you. Now come on. Sign up. And if I sign this, there'll be no story. That's right. That's the end of it. You'll not even be questioned. It'd be worth it to avoid suspicion. Sure. After you sign, mom's the worst. When do I pay? You pay $300 now. The rest of the time goes on. Boy, that's blackmail. Now look, I'm giving you a chance. Do you want it or don't? But I didn't take it. It's an open and shut conviction otherwise. Now sign. I suppose there's nothing else to do. Now you're being sensible. Here's my pen. And don't think you're going to skip town either. Because you'll be watched every minute until that thousand dollars is paid. Well, I paid the thousand dollars more than a year ago. I know because I kept track. Then what's the difficulty? Well, this man, this Carson, who runs the Personnel Investigation Bureau, he still has my sign confession and he says I still owe him $500. How come? I think there are a lot of fees involved in collecting from me. There's a little matter of interest. Oh, don't you see? As long as he has that sign confession to hold over my head, he can go on bleeding me for the rest of my life. Boy, he couldn't do a thing like that. No, he couldn't maybe, but he's doing it. I'd rather die than go on like this. For nearly two years now, every penny I've been able to get my hands on has gone right to Carson. The only way I can beat him is to die. No, Miss Moran. I think he's going to be much simpler than that. And not nearly so painful. Mary? Yes, Joe. You are about to become a thief. Oh? Yes. I hope you do a good job of it. What plan has Joe Wood decided upon to beat Carson? We'll find out in the second act of our story, but right now, here's a message from our sponsor. In the second act of Sauce for the Goose, we go to the personnel investigation bureau. Mr. Carson, the owner of the bureau, has a caller. It's Joe Wood who seems to have a problem. That's why I'm suspicious of him, Mr. Carson. I can't get any proof, but I'd almost be willing to swear she's been doctoring my books and robbing me blind. He came to the right place, Wood. I've caught more thieves than the whole police force in the town put together. You know how I do it? No, how? By making it easy for them to steal when they think there isn't a chance of getting caught. What's this girl's name? Mary Barnes. I'll catch her for you. Don't worry any more about it. And I'll be able to get quite a bit of the money back for you. You, uh, understand my fee? 50 percent? Oh, that's quite all right. That's cheap, one way you look at it. Now, I'll have to pose as a client of yours. I'll make my payments in cash to Miss Barnes. I won't wait for any receipt. We'll have an open and shut case. Yes, but what if she won't pay up? Oh, she'll pay all right. They all do. You sent for me, Mr. Carson? Yes, Miss Barnes. Something about to case? Sit down, Miss Barnes. Thank you. Miss Barnes, how much money have you stolen from Mr. Wood altogether? I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, yes, you do. And it isn't going to be tough to find out because you're really guilty. What do you mean, really guilty? Ah, look here, Miss Barnes. You've been framed and caught. I gave you a $50 payment to Mr. Wood yesterday and you didn't enter it in the book. You said you didn't want any receipts. Right. I wanted to see what you'd do. You couldn't prove you'd paid it? Oh, yes, I could. It was Wood's money. The bills were marked. Oh, you dirty, scheming crook. Ah, now, Blondie, that kind of talk won't get you anywhere. How much have you taken from them all together? Nothing. I haven't taken anything. How much, Blondie? There's a jail cell waiting for you if you make it too low. What? I... $7,000. What? $7,000. He never caught me if it hadn't been for you. Sister, I'm going to send you to jail for a long, long time. Ha! Don't make me laugh. You won't do any laughing, Blondie, not when you're behind bars. You haven't a chance. You seem kind of sure of yourself. I am. Why? With what I know about Wood's client, he's never dared get me into court. I talk and talk plenty. Wood isn't the guy who'd take it to court, sister. I'm the one. Oh. You mean, you... I mean, I'm in charge of this case. Wood doesn't have anything to say about it. He pays me half of what I recover. That's all. But you, isn't there some way? Turn over that $7,000 to me, and I don't care what happens. There's only one place where I can get it. Where is that? From Wood. You're crazy. Oh, no, I'm not. A man he helped in a big swindle case is coming in tomorrow with $8,000. What? What do you care where I get the money? Just so you get yours. Maybe you're right. But now, if you'll just sign this confession. No. Uh-uh. No dice. Nothing doing. Either you sign or the... Be yourself, Mr. Carson. I'm not signing anything. You want the dough? You'll get the dough. Tomorrow. Barnes, I say you brought your employer with you. Hello, Carson. It's no use, Mr. Carson. He knows everything. Oh, so he's found out about you, huh? About us, Mr. Carson. About what? About us. Get your coat, Carson. We're going down to the police station. He made me confess everything, Mr. Carson. What's this all about? I won't go anywhere with you. Take it easy, Carson. Unless you want to ride to the morgue in a dead wagon. Mrs. Barnes confessed. Oh. Oh, confessed. Well, that's fine. I expected to get her signed confession today anyway, but... Take your hand out of your pocket. We're going to the station, Carson. I said she'd confessed everything. That confession will put you in jail, or I'm badly mistaken. You won't be out of your head. I'm sorry, Carson. I had to tell him he forced me to. I don't know what you're getting at. He got it all out of me. All about how you made a deal with me to go on stealing his money and split with you. What? Are you dirty little liar? You can't call me. He didn't leave out a thing, Carson. He told me how you made a deal with her to go to work until she could steal enough from me to make this case worth your while. Oh, she's lying. Sit down, Carson. No funny business. You're in a spot, bud, a bad spot. You can't... I said sit down. All right. Now, I'm going to give you a chance to come clean. How much have you and this girl stolen from me altogether? You're crazy. Oh, no, I'm not. I know exactly how much you've taken. I'm giving you your chance. Why, I didn't... I mean, I never... You've already taken $1,700 of my money, haven't you? That's a bare-faced lie. I've never even touched any of your money. This girl was trying to rope me in to make things easier for herself. Mr. Carson, I had to tell Mr. Woods everything. You might as well come clean. But I didn't. I tell you what... Come on. We're going over to the police station. Wait a minute. This is ridiculous. I'm not laughing. Come on. He couldn't prove I'd taken up any of your money. Well, we'll talk that over at the station. The judge will decide whether she gave you any of my money. But you can't take me to court. Oh, no. Boy, you'd ruin me. My business... You mean, uh, the publicity wouldn't be good for you? No employer would sign a contract with me. You think I was working with the thieves in this firm instead of trying to find them? All I want is my $1,700. Well, I told you I don't have your $1,700. I never heard of such a thing. I did. I heard of it. You? Yes, me. Nancy Moran. You ought to remember me pretty well. I never forget a thief. I ought to punch you in the nose for that, Carson. You took $1,700 away from this girl. A thousand. And she stole them from her employer. She admitted it. I have her signed confession. Well, if she's already paid back the money, what are you doing with her signed confession? Why, she hasn't paid all the expenses on the case yet. Mm-hmm. Your blackmail scheme's all wound up, Carson. It isn't a blackmail scheme. It's a perfectly legitimate business. There's nothing legitimate about it. In the first place, you know that your evidence wouldn't stand up in any court in the country. Oh, yes it would. I have signed confession. Ah, and those confessions are secured by what the law calls entrapment. You know that our courts aren't interested in convicting people by inducing them to make mistakes. You make it easier for the poor people you trap to keep the money than to turn it in. You actually persuade them to steal. Hey, sign those confessions and agreements of their own free will. Ah, it's a rotten racket, Carson. It's one of the worst I've ever seen. Yes, you give them a choice, all right? A choice of going to jail or paying you blackmail money for the rest of their lives. If they aren't dishonest, I don't hurt them. I never did a dishonest thing in my life. You frame me and you know it. They all talk like that. Now, look, Carson, I won't beat around the bush. You're being blackmailed yourself right now. What do you mean? Well, Miss Barnes has given me a signed confession that she was splitting the money she stole from me, splitting it with you. But that's a lie. Sure it's a lie. And do you want to know something else, pal? What? She never even stole any money from me. It's crooked. You couldn't get away with it. I never knew it to fail. A crook always hollers for the law the minute somebody else puts a squeeze on him. Oh, no. You aren't entitled to any protection, Carson. All right? I won't ask for any. But get this. You take me in the court and the girl goes right along with me. Tell me to jail and you have to send her too. Yes, again, Carson. I bring an action against you for the recovery of my money. I don't have to bring any action against Mary unless I feel like it. And I don't feel like it. You couldn't collect 1,700 cents. No, but I could cause you an awful lot of trouble. I don't imagine you'd be too happy to have the authorities looking into your affairs. I'm within the law. Oh, no, you're not, Carson. I've got you on compounding a felony. What? Yes. When you sent Mary back to get $7,000, you thought she was going to get it by stealing it from me. And yet you told her to do it. You couldn't prove that either. I suppose you deny it. I don't have to deny it, Blondie. You're not up against a half-witwood. The things I put in writing are all legal. The things I say, well, I don't have to be very fussy when I'm dealing with a lot of crooks. Meaning you worked your blackmail record on people who don't dare go to court because you're holding their signed confession. So what? So now you're going to be hauled into court on a charge of stealing $1,700 from me. $1,700? Why don't you make it $50,000 while you're at it? Make it good. I made it $1,700 because that's the amount you bled Nancy Moran for. How touching. Look, I still have my hand in my pocket, and I'm not fooling. Now you either pay up or we take you over to the police station. All right, Wood, you win. I'll pay the $1,700. It's worth more than that to me to keep the police from getting nosy. Just a minute. No funny business. There you are. $1,700. Count it if you like. Count it, Mary. OK. And you're forgetting something else, Carson. Yeah, what's that? That signed confession of Miss Moran. But I don't... You don't think we'd leave that in your hand, do you? Now come across or else. All right. There it is. Thanks. The money's all here, Joe. Give it to Nancy Moran. Thanks again. And I'll get out. I'll love you. I never want to change. You want a change? We're glad to be. Come on. Oh. Oh, pardon me. What else? Inspector Slattery, I believe. Yeah. Hello, Joe. Where's he seeing you here? How are you, Miss Moran? I'm just fine, Inspector. Never better. What's this all about? Joe, would you by any chance be the guy who made that anonymous phone call to me? Why, Inspector, what are you talking about? I got a call that if I just stand out in the hall at 1015 Layton Square Building, I'd get a near full. And I sure have been getting it. And then, Sam, I have to put this guy Carson out of circulation for 50 years. Why you, George? Get him, get him, get him. The fire escape is he heading for the fire escape. He's going to get away down the fire escape. No, no, Miss Moran, don't look. Well, I guess the old one still goes. Oh, what's that? It's always good to look before you leave.