 Section 64 of the Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker. The Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 64. To Swatkin-Phillips-Baronet at Oxford. Dear knight, once more I tread upon English ground, which I like not the worse for the six weeks ramble I have made among the woods and mountains of Caledonia. No offence to the land of cakes, where banocks grow upon straw. I never saw my uncle in such health and spirits as he now enjoys. Liddy is perfectly recovered, and Mistress Tabitha has no reason to complain. Nevertheless, I believe she was till yesterday inclined to give the whole Scotch nation to the devil as a pack of insensible brutes upon whom her accomplishments had been displayed in vain. At every place where we halted, did she mount the stage and flourished her rusty arms, without being able to make one conquest. One of her last essays was against the heart of Sir George Cahoon, with whom she fought all the weapons more than twice over. She was grave and gay by turns, she moralized and methodized, she laughed and romped and danced and sung and sighed and ogled and lisped and fluttered and flattered, but all was preaching to the desert. The baronet, being a well-bred man, carried his civilities as far as she could in conscience expect, and if evil tongues are to be believed, some degrees father, but he was too much a veteran in gallantry as well as in war to fall into any ambuscade that she could lay for his affection. While we were absent in the Highlands, she practised also upon the Laird of Ladrishmore, and even gave him the rendezvous in the wood of Drumskillach. But the Laird had such a reverent care of his own reputation that he came attended with the parson of the parish, and nothing passed but spiritual communication. After all these miscarriages, our aunt suddenly recollected Lieutenant Lisma Hago, whomever since our first arrival at Edinburgh she seemed to have utterly forgot, but now she expressed her hopes of seeing him at Dumfries, according to his promise. We set out from Glasgow by the way of Lanark, the county town of Clydesdale, in the neighbourhood of which the whole river Clyde, rushing down a steep rock, forms a very noble and stupendous cascade. Next day we were obliged to haunt in a small burrow, until the carriage which had received some damage should be repaired, and here we met with an incident which warmly interested the benevolent spirit of Mr. Bramble. As we stood at the window of an inn that fronted the public prison, a person arrived on horseback, gently though plainly dressed in a blue frock, with his own hair cut short, and a gold-laced hat upon his head. A lighting, and giving his horse to the landlord, he advanced to an old man who was at work in paving the street, and accosted him in these words. This is hard work for such an old man as you! So saying, he took the instrument out of his hand and began to thump the pavement. After a few strokes, have you never a son, said he, to ease you of this labour? Yes, and please your honour, replied the senior, I have three hopeful lads, but at present they are out of the way. Honor not me, cried the stranger, but the more becomes me to honour your grey hairs, where are those sons you talk of? The ancient pavia said his eldest son was a captain in the East Indies, and the youngest had lately enlisted as a soldier in hopes of prospering like his brother. The gentleman, desiring to know what has become of the second, he wiped his eyes, and owned he had taken upon him his old father's debts, for which he was now in the prison hard by. The traveller made three quick steps towards the jail, then turning short. Tell me, said he, has that unnatural captain sent you nothing to relieve your distress? Call him not unnatural, replied the other, God's blessing be upon him, he sent me a great deal of money, but I made a bad use of it. I lost it by being security for a gentleman that was my landlord, and was strept of all I had in the world besides. At that instant a young man thrusting out his head and neck between two iron bars in the prison window exclaimed, Father, Father, if my brother William is in life that's he. I am, I am, cried the stranger, clasping the old man in his arms and shedding a flood of tears. I am your son, Willie, sure enough. Before the father, who was quite confounded, could make any return to this tenderness, a decent old woman bolting out from the door of a poor habitation, cried, Where is my Baron? Where is my dear Willie? The captain no sooner beheld her, and he quitted his father and ran into her embrace. I can assure you my uncle who saw and heard everything that passed was as much moved as any one of the parties concerned in this pathetic recognition. He sobbed and wept, and clapped his hands and hallowed, and finally ran down into the street. By this time the captain had retired with his parents, and all the inhabitants of the place were assembled at the door. Mr. Bramble nevertheless pressed through the crowd, and entering the house, Captain, said he, I beg the favour of your acquaintance. I would have travelled a hundred miles to see this affecting scene, and I shall think myself happy if you and your parents will dine with me at the public house. The captain thanked him for his kind invitation, which he said he would accept with pleasure, but in the meantime he could not think of eating or drinking while his poor brother was in trouble. He forthwith deposited a sum equal to the debt in the hands of the magistrate, who ventured to set his brother at liberty without father process, and then the whole family repaired to the inn with my uncle, attended by the crowd, the individuals of which shook their townsmen by the hand, while he returned their caresses without the least sign of pride or affectation. This honest favourite of fortune, whose name was Brown, told my uncle that he had been bred a weaver, and about eighteen years ago, had from a spirit of idleness and dissipation enlisted as a soldier in the service of the East India Company. That in the course of duty he had the good fortune to attract the notice and approbation of Lord Clive, who preferred him from one step to another till he attained the rank of captain and paymaster to the regiment, in which capacities he had honestly amassed above twelve thousand pounds, and at the peace resigned his commission. He had sent several remittances to his father, who received the first only, consisting of one hundred pounds. The second had fallen into the hands of a bankrupt, and the third had been consigned to a gentleman of Scotland, who died before it arrived, so that it still remained to be accounted for by his executors. He now presented the old man with fifty pounds for his present occasions, over and above banknotes for one hundred, which he had deposited for his brother's release. He brought along with him a deed ready executed, by which he settled a perpetuity of four score pounds upon his parents, to be inherited by their other two sons after their decease. He promised to purchase a commission for his youngest brother, to take the other as his own partner in a manufacture which he intended to set up, to give employment and bread to the industrious, and to give five hundred pounds, by way of dowry, to his sister, who had married a farmer in low circumstances. Finally he gave fifty pounds to the poor of the town where he was born, and feasted all the inhabitants without exception. My uncle was so charmed with the character of Captain Brown, that he drank his health three times successively at dinner. He said he was proud of his acquaintance, that he was an honour to his country, and had in some measure redeemed human nature from the reproach of pride, selfishness and ingratitude. For my part I was as much pleased with the modesty, as with the filial virtue of this honest soldier, who assumed no merit from his success, and said very little of his own transactions, though the answers he made to our inquiries were equally sensible and laconic. Mistress Tabister behaved very graciously to him, until she understood that he was going to make a tender of his hand to a person of low estate, who had been his sweetheart while he worked as a journeyman weaver. Our aunt was no sooner made acquainted with this design, than she starched up her behaviour with a double proportion of reserve, and when the company broke up she observed with a toss of her nose that Brown was a civil fellow enough, considering the lowness of his original, but that fortune, though she had mended his circumstances, was incapable to raise his ideas, which were still humble and plebeian. On the day that succeeded this adventure we went some miles out of our road to see Drumblinrig, a seat belonging to the Duke of Queensbury, which appears like a magnificent palace erected by magic in the midst of a wilderness. It is indeed a princely mansion, with suitable parks and plantations, rendered still more striking by the nakedness of the surrounding country, which is one of the wildest tracts in all Scotland. This wildness, however, is different from that of the Highlands, for here the mountains, instead of heath, are covered with a fine green swarth, affording pasture to innumerable flocks of sheep. But the fleeces of this country, called Nithsdale, are not comparable to the wall of Galloway, which is said to equal that of Salisbury Plain. Having passed the night at the castle of Drumblinrig by invitation from the Duke himself, who is one of the best men that ever breathed, we prosecuted our journey to Dumfries, a very elegant trading-town near the borders of England, where we found plenty of good provision and excellent wine at very reasonable prices, and the accommodation is good in all respects as in any part of South Britain. If I was confined to Scotland for life, I would choose Dumfries as the place of my residence. Here we made inquiries about Captain Lysma Hago, of whom, hearing no tidings, we proceeded by the Solway Firth to Carlisle. You must know that the Solway Sands, upon which travellers pass at low water, are exceedingly dangerous, because as the tide makes they become quick in different places, and the flood rushes in so impetuously that the passengers are often overtaken by the sea and perish. In crossing these treacherous surties with a guide, we perceived a drowned horse, which Humphrey Clinker, after due inspection, declared to be the very identical beast which Mr. Lysma Hago rode when he parted with us at Felton Bridge in Northumberland. This information, which seemed to intimate that our friend the Lieutenant had shared the fate of his horse, affected us all, and above all our Aunt Tabitha, who shared salt tears, and obliged Clinker to pull a few hairs out of the dead horse's tail to be worn in a ring as a remembrance of his master. But her grief and ours was not of long duration, for one of the first persons we saw in Carlisle was the Lieutenant, in propria persona, bargaining with a horse-stealer for another steed, in the yard of the inn where we alighted. Mistress Bramble was the first that perceived him, and screamed as if she had seen a ghost, and truly, at a proper time and place, he might very well have passed for an inhabitant of another world, for he was more meager and grim than before. We received him the more cordially for having supposed he had been drowned, and he was not deficient in expressions of satisfaction at this meeting. He told us he had inquired for us at Dumfries, and been informed by a travelling merchant from Glasgow that we had resolved to return by the way of cold-stream. He said that in passing the sands without a guide, his horse had knocked up, and he himself must have perished, if he had not been providentially relieved by a return post-shares. He, moreover, gave us to understand that his scheme of settling in his own country having miscarried, he was so far on his way to London, with a view to embark for North America, where he intended to pass the rest of his days among his old friends, the Miamis, and amuse himself in finishing the education of the son he had, by his beloved Squinkinacusta. This project was by no means agreeable to our good aunt, who expatiated upon the fatigues and dangers that would attend such a long voyage by sea, and afterwards such a tedious journey by land. She enlarged particularly on the risk he would run with respect to the concerns of his precious soul, among savages who had not yet received the glad tidings of salvation, and she hinted that his abandoning Great Britain might perhaps prove fatal to the inclinations of some deserving person whom he was qualified to make happy for life. My uncle, who is really a donkey hote in generosity, understanding that Lismo Hago's real reason for leaving Scotland was the impossibility of subsisting in it with any decency upon the wretched provision of a subleton's half-pay, began to be warmly interested on the side of compassion. He thought it very hard that a gentleman who had served his country with honour should be driven by necessity to spend his old age among the refuse of mankind in such a remote part of the world. He discoursed with me upon the subject, observing that he would willingly offer the lieutenant an asylum at Brambleton Hall, if he did not foresee that his singularities and humour of contradiction would render him an intolerable housemate, though his conversation at some times might be both instructive and entertaining. But, as there seemed to be something particular in his attention to Mistress Tabitha, he and I agreed in opinion that this intercourse should be encouraged and improved, if possible, into a matrimonial union, in which case there would be a comfortable provision for both, and they might be settled in a house of their own, so that Mr. Bramble should have no more of their company than he desired. In pursuance of this design, Lisma Hago had been invited to pass the winter at Brambleton Hall, as it will be time enough to execute his American project in the spring. He has taken time to consider of this proposal. Meanwhile, he will keep us company as far as we travel in the road to Bristol, where he has hopes of getting a passage for America. I make no doubt that he will postpone his voyage, and prosecute his addresses to a happy consummation, and sure, if it produces any fruit, it must be of a very peculiar flavour. As the weather continues favourable, I believe we shall take the peak of Derbyshire and Buxton Wells in our way. At any rate, from the first place where we make any stay, you shall hear again from yours always. J. Melford. Carlisle. September 12. End of Section 64. Section 65 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Deborah Lynn. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 65. To Dr. Lewis. Dear Doctor, the peasantry of Scotland are certainly on a poor footing all over the kingdom, and yet they look better and are better clothed than those of the same rank in Burgundy and many other places of France and Italy. Nay, I will venture to say they are better fed, notwithstanding the boasted wine of these foreign countries. The country people of North Britain live chiefly on oatmeal and milk, cheese, butter, and some garden stuff, with now and then a pickled herring by way of delicacy. But flesh meat they seldom or never taste, nor any kind of strong liquor except two penny at times of uncommon festivity. Their breakfast is a kind of hasty pudding of oatmeal or peas meal eaten with milk. They have commonly potting for dinner composed of kale or coal, leeks, barley or big and butter. And this is reinforced with bread and cheese made of skimmed milk. At night they sup on soens or flummary of oatmeal. In a scarcity of oats they use the meal of barley and peas which is both nourishing and palatable. Some of them have potatoes and find parsnips in every peasant's garden. They are clothed with the coarse kind of russet of their own making which is both decent and warm. They dwell in poor huts built of loose stones and turf without any mortar, having a fireplace or hearth in the middle generally made of an old millstone and a hole at top to let out the smoke. These people however are content and wonderfully sagacious. All of them read the Bible and are even qualified to dispute upon the articles of their faith which in those parts I have seen is entirely Presbyterian. I am told that the inhabitants of Aberdeenshire are still more acute. I once knew a Scotch gentleman at London who had declared war against this part of his countrymen and swore that the impudence and neighbor of the Scots in that quarter had brought a reproach upon the whole nation. The river Clyde above Glasgow is quite pastoral and the banks of it are everywhere adorned with fine villas. From the sea to its source we may reckon the seats of many families of the first rank such as the Duke of Argyll at Roseneeth, the Earl of Butte in the Isle of that name, the Earl of Glencairn at Finlayston, Lord Blantyre at Oreskin, the Duchess of Douglas at Botwell, Duke Hamilton at Hamilton, the Duke of Douglas at Douglas and the Earl of Hindford at Carmichael. Hamilton is a noble palace, magnificently furnished and hard by is the village of that name, one of the neatest little towns I have seen in any country. The old castle of Douglas being burned to the ground by accident, the late Duke resolved as head of the first family of Scotland to have the largest house in the kingdom in order to plan for this purpose. But there was only one wing of it finished when he died. It is to be hoped that his nephew, who is now in possession of his great fortune, will complete the design of his predecessor. Clyde Stale is in general populous and rich, containing a great number of gentlemen who are independent in their fortune, but it produces more cattle than corn. This is also the case with Tweedale, through part of which we passed, and Nithsdale which is generally rough, wild and mountainous. These hills are covered with sheep, and this is the small, delicious mutton, so much preferable to that of the London market. As their feeding costs so little, the sheep are not killed till five years old when their flesh, juices and flavor are imperfection, but their fleeces are much damaged by the tar with which they are smeared to preserve them from the rot in winter, during which they run wild night and day, and thousands are lost under huge wreaths of snow. Tis pity the farmers cannot contrive some means to shelter this useful animal from the inclemencies of a rigorous climate, especially from the perpetual rains which are more prejudicial than the greatest extremity of cold weather. On the Little River Nid is situated the castle of Drumlongrig, one of the noblest seats in Great Britain belonging to the Duke of Queensbury, one of those few noblemen whose goodness of heart does honor to human nature. I shall not pretend to enter into a description of this palace, which is really an instance of the sublime and magnificence, as well as in situation, and puts one in mind of the beautiful city of Palmyra, rising like a vision in the midst of the wilderness. His grace keeps open house and lives with great splendor. He did us the honor to receive us with great courtesy, and detained us all night, together with above twenty other guests with all their servants and horses to a very considerable number. The Duchess was equally gracious and took our ladies under her immediate protection. The longer I live I see more reason to believe that prejudices of education are never wholly eradicated, even when they are discovered to be erroneous and absurd. Such habits of thinking as interest the grand passions cleave to the human heart in such a manner that though an effort of reason may force them from their hold for a moment, this violence no sooner ceases than they resume their grasp with an increased elasticity and adhesion. I am led into this reflection by what passed at the Duke's table after supper. The conversation turned upon the vulgar notions of spirits and omens that prevail among the commonality of North Britain, and all the company agreed that nothing could be more ridiculous. One gentleman, however, told a remarkable story of himself by way of speculation. Being on a party of hunting in the North said he, I resolved to visit an old friend whom I had not seen for twenty years. So long he had been retired and sequestered from all his acquaintance and lived in a moping melancholy way much afflicted with the loneliness of spirits occasioned by the death of his wife whom he had loved with uncommon affection. As he resided in a remote part of the country, and we were five gentlemen with as many servants, we carried some provision with us from the next market town, lest we should find him unprepared for our reception. The roads being bad we did not arrive at the house till two o'clock in the afternoon and were agreeably surprised to find a very good dinner already in the kitchen and the cloth laid with six covers. My friend himself appeared in his best apparel at the gate and received us with open arms telling me he had been expecting us these two hours. Astonished at this declaration, I asked who had given him intelligence of our coming and he smiled without making any other reply. However, presuming upon our former intimacy, I afterwards insisted upon knowing and he told me very gravely he had seen me in a vision of the second night. Nay, he called in the evidence of his steward who solemnly declared that his master had the day before apprised him of my coming with four other strangers and ordered him to provide accordingly. In consequence of which intimation, he had prepared the dinner which we were now eating and laid the covers according to the number foretold. The incident we all owned to be remarkable and I endeavored to account for it by natural means. I observed that as the gentleman was of a visionary turn, the casual idea or remembrance of his old friend might suggest those circumstances which accident had for once realized in all probability he had seen many visions of the same kind which were never verified. None of the company directly dissented from my opinion but from the objections that were hinted I could plainly perceive that the majority were persuaded there was something more extraordinary in the case. Another gentleman of the company addressing himself to me without all doubt said he, a diseased imagination is very apt to produce visions but we must find some other method to account for something of this kind that happened within these eight days in my neighborhood. A gentleman of a good family who cannot be deemed a visionary in any sense of the word was near his own gate in the twilight visited by his grandfather who has been dead these 15 years. The specter was mounted seemingly on the very horse he used to ride with an angry and terrible countenance and said something which his grandson in the confusion of fear could not understand. But this was not all. He lifted up a huge horse whip and applied it with great violence to his back and shoulders on which I saw the impression with my own eyes. The apparition was afterwards seen by the sexton of the parish hovering about the tomb where his body lies interred as the man declared to several persons in the village before he knew what had happened to the gentleman. Nay, he actually came to me as a justice of the peace in order to make oath of these particulars which however I declined administering. As for the grandson of the defunct he is a sober, sensible, worldly-minded fellow to intent upon schemes of interest to give in to reveries. He would have willingly concealed the affair but he bawled out in the first transport of his fear and running into the house exposed his back and his sconce to the whole family so that there was no denying it in the sequel. It is now the common discourse of the country that this appearance and behavior of the old man's spirit portends some great calamity to the family and the good woman has actually taken to her bed in this apprehension. Though I did not pretend to explain this mystery, I said, I did not at all doubt but it would one day appear to be a deception and in all probability a scheme executed by some enemy of the person who had sustained the assault. But still the gentleman insisted upon the clearness of the evidence and the concurrence of testimony by which two creditable witnesses without any communication, one with another, affirmed the appearance of the same man with whose person they were both well-equated. From Drumlanrig we pursued the course of the Nid to Dumfries which stands seven miles above the place where the river falls into the sea and is, after Glasgow, the handsomest town I have seen in Scotland. The inhabitants indeed seem to have proposed that city as their model not only in beautifying their town and regulating its police but also in prosecuting their schemes of commerce and manufacture by which they are grown rich and opulent. We re-entered England by the way of Carlyle where we accidentally met with our friend Liz Mahago whom we had in vain inquired after at Dumfries and other places. It would seem that the captain, like the prophets of old, is but little honoured in his own country which he has now renounced forever. He gave me the following particulars of his visit to his native soil. In his way to the place of his nativity he learned that his nephew had married the daughter of a bourgeois who directed a weaving manufacture and had gone into partnership with his father-in-law. She grinned with this information he had arrived at the gate in the twilight where he heard the sound of treadles in the great hall which had exasperated him to such a decree that he had liked to have lost his senses. While he was thus transported with indignation his nephew chanced to come forth when, being no longer master of his passion, he cried, Degenerate Rascal, you have made my father's house a den of thieves! And at the same time chastised him with his horse whip. Then, riding round the adjoining village, he had visited the burying ground of his ancestors by moonlight and having paid his respects to their mains traveled all night to another part of the country. Finding the head of the family in such a disgraceful situation and all his own friends dead or removed from the places of their former residence and the expense of living increased to double of what it had been when he first left his native country, he had been at an eternal adieu and was determined to seek for repose among the forests of America. I was no longer at a loss to account for the apparition which had been described at Drumlaunrig and when I repeated the story to the lieutenant he was much pleased to think his resentment had been so much more effectual than he intended and he owned him might at such an hour and in such an equipage very well past for the ghost of his father whom he was said greatly to resemble. Between friends I fancyless mahogany will find a retreat without going so far as the wigwams of the Miami's. My sister Tabby is making continual advances to him in the way of affection and if I may trust to appearances the captain is disposed to take opportunity by the forelock. For my part I intend to encourage this correspondence and shall be glad to see them united. In that case we shall find a way to settle them comfortably in our own neighborhood. I and my servants will get rid of a very troublesome and tyrannic governant and I shall have the benefit of this mahogany's conversation without being obliged to take more of his company than I desire for though an a la is a high flavored dish I could not bear to dine upon it every day of my life. I am much pleased with Manchester which is one of the most agreeable and flourishing towns in Great Britain and I perceive that this is the place which hath animated the spirit and suggested the chief manufacturers of Glasgow. We propose to visit Chatsworth the peak in Buxton from which last place we shall proceed directly homewards though by easy journeys. If the season has been as favorable in Wales as in the north your harvest is happily finished and we have nothing left to think of but our October you will find me much better in flesh than I was at our party and this short separation has given a new edge to those sentiments of friendship with which I always have been and ever shall be yours Matt Bramble Manchester September 15 End of section 65 Section 66 of the expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain and for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Ruth Golding The expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 66 To Mrs Gwillim housekeeper at Brambleton Hall Mrs Gwillim it has pleased Providence to bring us safe back to England and partake us in many pearls by land and water in particular the Devil's Haas a pike and Hoidon's Hole which has got no bottom and as we are drawing Whomwards it may be proper to apprise you that Brambleton Hall may be in condition to receive us after this long gurney to the islands of Scotland By the first of next month you may begin to make constant fires in my brother's chamber and mine and burn a faggot every day in the yellow damask room have the tester and curtains dusted and the feather bed and mattresses well haired because perhaps with the blessing of Haven they may be used on some occasion let the old hog's heads be well skewered and seasoned for bia as Matt is resolved to have his cellar took full if the house was mine I would turn over a new leaf I don't see why the servants of Wales shouldn't drink fair water and eat hot cakes and barley kale as they do in Scotland without troubling the botcher above once a quarter I hope you keep account of Roger's proceeding in reverence to the buttermilk I expect my due when I come home without baiting an ass I'll assure you as you must have laid a great many more eggs than would be eaten I do suppose there is a power of turks, chickens and guzzling about the house and a brave curgo is ready for market and that the owl has been sent to Cricowl saving what the maids spun in the family pray let the whole house and furniture have a thorough cleaning from top to bottom for the honour of Wales and let Roger search into and make a general clearance of the slit holes which the maids have in secret for I know are given to sloth and uncleanness I hope you have worked a reformation among them as I exhorted you in my last and set their hearts upon better things than they can find in junketing and catawalling with the fellows of the country as the wind jankins she has undergone a perfect metamorphosis and has become a new creta from the ammunition of Humphrey Clinker our new footman a pious young man who has laboured exceedingly that she may bring forth fruits of repentance I make no doubt that he will take the same pains with that Pert Hussie, Mary Jones and all of you and that he may have power given to penetrate and instill his goodness even into your most inward parts is the fervent prayer of your friend in the spirit Tab Bramble September 18 end of section 66 section 67 of the expedition of Humphrey Clinker this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Debra Lynn the expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett section 67 to Dr. Lewis Dear Lewis this mahogo is more paradoxical than ever the late gulp he had of his native air seems to have blown fresh spirit into all his polemical faculties I congratulated him the other day on the present flourishing state of his country observing that the Scots were now in a fair way to wipe off the national reproach of poverty and expressing my satisfaction at the happy effects of the union so conspicuous in the improvement of their agriculture, commerce manufactures and manners the lieutenants screwing up his features into a look of dissent and disgust on my remarks to this effect those who reproach a nation for its poverty when it is not owing to the profligacy or vice of the people deserve no answer the Lassidemonians were poorer than the Scots when they took the lead among all the free states of Greece and were esteemed above them all for their valor and their virtue the most respectable heroes of ancient Rome such as Fabricius, Sincinatus and Regulus and many others who hold her in Scotland and there are at this day individuals in North Britain one of whom can produce more gold and silver than the whole Republic of Rome could raise at those times when her public virtue shown with unrivaled luster and poverty was so far from being a reproach that it added fresh laurels to her fame because it indicated a noble contempt of wealth which was proof against all the ways there are Jews and others in Amsterdam and London enriched by usury, peculation and different species of fraud and extortion who are more estimable than the most virtuous and illustrious members of the community an absurdity which no man in his senses will offer to maintain riches are certainly no proof of merit nay they are often if not most commonly acquired by persons of sordid minds and mean talents nor do they give any intrinsic power to divert his understanding and render his morals more depraved but granting that poverty were really a matter of reproach it cannot be justly imputed to Scotland no country is poor that can supply its inhabitants with the necessaries of life and even afford articles for exportation Scotland is rich in natural advantages it produces every species of provision and abundance vast herds of cattle and flocks of sheep prodigious quantities of wool and flax with plenty of cops, wood and in some parts large forests of timber the earth is still more rich below than above the surface it yields inexhaustible stores of coal freestone, marble, lead iron, copper and silver with some gold the sea abounds with excellent fish and salt to cure them for exportation and there are creeks and harbors around the whole kingdom for the convenience and security of navigation the face of the country displays a surprising number of cities, towns villas and villages swarming with people and there seems to be no want of art, industry, government and police such a kingdom can never be called poor in any sense of the word though there may be many others more powerful and opulent but the proper use of those advantages and the present prosperity of the Scots you seem to derive from the union of the two kingdoms I said I suppose he would not deny that the appearance of the country was much mended that the people lived better had more trade and a greater quantity of money circulating since the union then before I may safely admit these premises answered the lieutenant without subscribing to your inference the difference you mention I should take to be the natural progress of improvement since that period other nations such as the Swedes, the Danes and the French have greatly increased in commerce without any such cause assigned before the union there was a remarkable spirit of trade among the Scots has appeared in the case of their Darien company in which they had embarked no less than 400,000 pounds sterling and in the flourishing state of the maritime towns in Fife and on the eastern coast enriched by their trade with France which failed in consequence of the union the only solid commercial advantage reaped from that measure the English plantations yet accepting Glasgow and Dumfries I don't know any other Scots towns concerned in that traffic in other respects I can see the Scots were losers by the union they lost the independency of their state the greatest prop of national spirit they lost their parliament and their courts of justice were subjected to the revision and supremacy of an English tribunal softly captain, cried I you cannot be said to have lost while you are represented in that of Great Britain true said he with the sarcastic grin in debates of national competition the 16 peers and 45 commoners of Scotland must make a formidable figure in the scale against the whole English legislature be that as it may I observed while I had the honor to sit in the lower house the Scots members had always the majority on their side I understand you sir said he they generally side with the majority for their constituents but even this evil is not the worst they have sustained by the union their trade has been saddled with grievous impositions and every article of living severely taxed to pay the interest of enormous debts contracted by the English in support of measures and connections in which the Scots had no interest nor concern I beg to you would at least allow that by the union the Scots were admitted to all the privileges and immunities of English subjects that some were provided for in the army and navy and got fortunes in different parts of England and its dominions all these said he become English subjects to all intents and purposes and are in a great measure lost to their mother country the spirit of rambling and adventure has been always peculiar to the natives of Scotland if they had not met with encouragement in England they would have served and settled as formerly in other countries such as Muscovy, Sweden, Denmark Poland, Germany, France Piedmont and Italy in all which nations their descendants continued to flourish even at this day by this time my patience began to fail and I exclaimed for God's sake what has England got by this union which you say has been so productive of misfortune to the Scots great and manifold are the advantages which England drives from the union said Lismahago in a solemn tone first and foremost the settlement of the Protestant succession the point which the English ministry drove was such eagerness that no stone was left unturned to cajole and bribe a few leading men to cram the union down the throats of the Scottish nation who were surprisingly averse to the expedient they gained by it a considerable addition of territory extending their dominion to the sea on all sides of the island thereby shutting up all back doors against the enterprises of their enemies they got an accession of above a million of useful subjects constituting a never failing nursery of seamen soldiers laborers and mechanics the most valuable acquisition to a trading country exposed to foreign wars and obliged to maintain a number of settlements in all the four quarters of the globe in the course of seven years during the last war Scotland furnished the English army and navy with 70,000 men over and above those who migrated to their colonies this was a very considerable and seasonable supply to a nation whose people had been for many years decreasing in number and whose lands and manufactures were actually suffering for want of hands they need not remind you of the hat need maxim that to a nation in such circumstances a supply of industrious people is a supply of wealth nor repeat an observation which is now received as an eternal truth even among the English themselves that the Scots who settled in South Britain were orderly and industrious I allowed the truth of this remark adding that by their industry economy and circumspection many of them in England as well as in her colonies amassed large fortunes with which they returned to their own country and this was so much lost to South Britain give me leave sir said he to assure you that in your fact you are mistaken and in your deduction erroneous not one in 200 that leaves no returns to settle in his own country and the few that do return carry thither nothing that can possibly diminish the stock of South Britain for none of their treasure stagnates in Scotland there was a continual circulation like that of the blood in the human body and England is the heart to which all the streams which it distributes are refunded and returned nay in consequence of that luxury which our connection with England have greatly encouraged not introduced to the trade are engrossed by the natives of South Britain for you will find that the exchange between the two kingdoms is always against Scotland in that she retains neither gold nor silver sufficient for her own circulation the Scots not content with their own manufacturers and produce which would very well answer all necessary occasions seem to vibe with each other and purchasing superfluities from England furniture of all sorts sugar, rum, tea, chocolate and coffee in a word not only every mode of the most extravagant luxury but even many articles of convenience which they might find as good and much cheaper in their own country for all these particulars I conceive England may touch about one million sterling a year I don't pretend to make an exact calculation perhaps it may be something less and perhaps a great deal more the annual revenue arising out of Scotland cannot fall short of a million sterling and I should imagine their trade will amount to as much more I know the linen manufacturer alone returns near half a million exclusive of the home consumption of that article if therefore North Britain pays a balance of a million annually to England I insist upon it that country is more valuable to her than any colony in her possession over and above the other advantages of both friends either to England or to truth who effect to depreciate the northern part of the United Kingdom I must own I was at first a little nettle to find myself schooled in so many particulars though I did not receive all his assertions as gospel I was not prepared to refute them and I cannot help now acquiescing in his remarks so far as to think that the contempt for Scotland which prevails too much on this side well captain said I you have argued stoutly for the importance of your own country for my part I have such a regard for our fellow subjects of North Britain that I shall be glad to see the day when your peasants can afford to give all their oats to their cattle hogs and poultry and indulge themselves with good wheat and loaves instead of such poor unpalatable and inflammatory diet here again I brought myself into a Premionaire with the disputative Caledonian of that sphere for which they were intended by nature in the course of things that they might have some reason to complain of their bread if it were mixed like that of Norway with sawdust and fish bones but that oatmeal was he apprehended as nourishing and salutary as wheat flour and the Scots in general thought it at least a savory he affirmed that a mouse which in the article of self-preservation might be supposed to act for in a place where there was a parcel of each that animal has never begun to feed upon the ladder till all the oats were consumed for their nutritive quality he appealed to the hail robust constitutions of the people who lived chiefly upon oatmeal and instead of being inflammatory he asserted that it was a cooling sub-acid balsamic and mucelaginous in so much that in all inflammatory distempers recourse was had to water gruel and flummery made of oatmeal at least said I give me leave to wish them such a degree of commerce as may enable them to follow their own inclinations heaven forbid cried this philosopher will be to that nation where the multitude is at liberty to follow their own inclinations commerce has undoubtedly a blessing while restrained within its proper channels but a glut of wealth brings along with it a glut of evils it brings false taste false wants profusion, finality contempt of order and gendering a spirit of licentiousness insolence and faction that keeps the community in continual ferment and in time destroys all the distinctions of civil society so that universal anarchy and uproar must ensue will any sensible man affirm that the national advantages of opulence are to be sought on these terms no sure but I am one of those who think that by proper regulations they produce every national benefit without the allay of such concomitant evils so much for the dog mater of my friendless mahogo whom I describe the more circumstantially as I firmly believe he will set up his rest in Monmouthshire yesterday while I was alone with him he asked in some confusion if I should have any objection to the success of a gentleman and a soldier provided he should be so fortunate as to engage my sister's affection I answered without hesitation that she was old enough to judge for herself and that I should be very far from disapproving any resolution she might take in his favor his eyes sparkled at this declaration he declared he should think himself the happiest man on earth to be connected with my family and that he should never be weary of giving me proofs of his gratitude and attachment I suppose tabby and he are already agreed in which case we shall have a wedding at brambleton hall and you shall give away the bride to the former cruelty that poor love sick maiden who has been so long a thorn in the side of yours Matt Bramble September 20 we have been at Buxton but as I did not much relish either the company or the accommodations and had no occasion for the water we stayed but two nights in the place end of section 67 section 68 of the expedition of Humphrey Clinker this is a LibriVox recording are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Martin Giesen the expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett section 68 to Sawatkin Phillips Baronet of Jesus College Oxford Dear what? Adventures begin to thicken as we advance to the southward this Mahago has now professed himself the admirer of our aunt and carries on his addresses under the sanction of her brother's approbation so that we shall certainly have a wedding by Christmas I should be glad you was present at the nuptials to help me throw the stocking and perform other ceremonies peculiar to that occasion I am sure it will be productive of some diversion and truly it would be worth your while to come across the country on purpose to see two such original figures in bed together with their laced nightcaps he the emblem of good cheer and she the picture of good nature all this agreeable prospect was clouded and had well nigh vanished entirely in consequence of a late misunderstanding between the future brothers-in-law which however is now happily removed a few days ago my uncle and I going to visit a relation met with Lord Oxmington at his house who asked us to dine with him next day and we accepted the invitation accordingly leaving our women under the care of Captain Liz Mahago at the inn where we had lodged the preceding night in a little town about a mile from his lordship's dwelling we went at the hour appointed and had a fashionable meal served up with much ostentation to a company of about a dozen persons none of whom he had ever seen before his lordship is much more remarkable than his pride and caprice than for his hospitality and understanding and indeed it appeared that he considered his guests merely as objects to shine upon so as to reflect the lustre of his own magnificence there was much state but no courtesy and a great deal of compliment without any conversation before the dessert was removed our noble entertainer proposed three general toasts then calling for a glass of wine and bowing all round wished us a good afternoon this was the signal for the company to break up and they obeyed it immediately all except our squire who was greatly shocked at the manner of this dismission he changed countenance bit his lip in silence but still kept his seat so that his lordship found himself obliged to give us another hint by saying he should be glad to see us another time there is no time like the present cried Mr. Bramble your lordship has not yet drank a bumper to the best in Christendom I'll drink no more bumpers today answered our landlord and I'm sorry to see you have drank too many order the gentleman's carriage to the gate so saying he rose and retired abruptly our squire starting up at the same time laying his hand upon his sword and eyeing him with a most ferocious aspect the master having vanished in this manner our uncle bad one of the servants to see what was to pay and the fellow answering this is no in I cry you mercy cried the other I perceive it is not if it were the landlord would be more civil there's a guinea however take it and tell your lord that I shall not leave the country till I have had the opportunity to thank him in person for his politeness and hospitality we then walked downstairs in a humble range of lackeys and getting into the shares proceeded homewards perceiving the squire much ruffled I ventured to disapprove of his resentment observing that as lord Oxmington was well known to have his brain very ill timbered a sensible man should rather laugh than be angry at his ridiculous want of breeding Mr. Bramble took umbridge at my presuming to be wiser than he upon this occasion and told me that as he had always thought for himself in every occurrence in life he would still use the same privilege with my good leave when we returned to our in he closeted Liz Mahago and having explained his grievance desired that gentleman to go and demand satisfaction and disfaction of lord Oxmington in his name the lieutenant charged himself with this commission and immediately set out a horseback for his lordship's house attended at his own request by my man Archie McAlpin who had been used to military service and truly if McAlpin had been mounted upon an ass this couple might have passed for the night of La Mancha and his squire Pantha it was not till after some demer that Liz Mahago obtained a private audience at which he formally defied his lordship to single combat in the name of Mr. Bramble and desired him to appoint the time and place Lord Oxmington was so confounded at this unexpected message that he could not for some time make any articulate reply but stood staring at the lieutenant with manifest marks of perturbation at length ringing a bell with great vehemence he exclaimed what a commoner send a challenge to appear of the realm privilege, privilege here's a puss and brings me a challenge from the Welshman that dined at my table an impudent fellow the wine is not yet out of his head the whole house was immediately in commotion McAlpin made a soldierly retreat with two horses but the captain was suddenly surrounded and disarmed by the footman whom a French valet de Charme headed in this exploit his sword was passed through a close stool and his person through the horse pond in this plight he returned to the inn half mad with his disgrace so violent was the rage of his indignation that he mistook its object he wanted to quarrel with Mr. Bramble he said he had been dishonoured on his account and he looked for reparation at his hands my uncle's back was up in a moment and he desired him to explain his pretensions either compel Lord Oxmington to give me satisfaction cried he or give it me in your own person the latter part of the alternative is the most easy and expeditious replied the squire starting up if you are disposed for a walk I'll attend you this moment here they were interrupted by Mistress Tabby who had overheard all that passed she now burst into the room and running betwixt them in great agitation is this your regard for me said she to the lieutenant to seek the life of my brother Liz Mahago who seemed to grow cool as my uncle grew hot assured her he had a very great respect for Mr. Bramble but he had still more for his own honour which had suffered pollution and could be once purified he should have no further cause of dissatisfaction the squire said he should have thought it incumbent upon him to vindicate the lieutenant's honour but as he had now carved for himself he might swallow and digest it as well as he could in a word what betwixt the mediation of Mistress Tabitha the recollection of the captain who perceived he had gone too far and the remonstrances of your humble servant who joined them at this juncture those two originals were perfectly reconciled and then we proceeded to deliberate upon the means of taking vengeance for the insults they had received from the petulant peer for until that aim should be accomplished Mr. Bramble swore with great emphasis that he would not leave the inn where we now lodged even if he should pass his Christmas on the spot in consequence of our deliberations we next day in the forenoon proceeded in a body to his lordship's house all of us with our servants including the coachman mounted a horseback with our pistols loaded and ready primed thus prepared for action we paraded solemnly and slowly before his lordship's gate which we passed three times in such a manner that he could not but see us and suspect the cause of our appearance after dinner we returned and performed the same cavalcade which was again repeated the following morning but we had no occasion to persist in these manoeuvres about noon we were visited by the gentleman at whose house we had first seen Lord Oxmington he now came to make apologies in the name of his lordship who declared he had no intention to give offence to my uncle in practicing what had always been the custom of his house and that as for the indignities which had been put upon the officer they were offered without his lordship's knowledge of the formation of his valet de chambre if that be the case said my uncle in a peremptory tone I shall be contented with Lord Oxmington's personal excuses and I hope my friend will be satisfied with his lordship's turning that insolent rascal out of his service Sir cried Liz Mahago I must incest upon taking personal vengeance for the injuries I have sustained after some debate the affair was adjusted in this manner his lordship meeting us at our friend's house declared he was sorry for what had happened and that he had no intention to give umbridge the valet de chambre asked pardon of the lieutenant upon his knees when Liz Mahago gave him a violent kick on the face which laid him on his back exclaiming in a furious tone oui je te pardonne j'en foutre such was the fortunate issue of this perilous adventure which threatened abundance of vexation to our family for the squire is one of those who will sacrifice both life and fortune rather than leave what they conceive to be the least speck or blemish upon their honour and reputation his lordship had no sooner pronounced his apology with a very bad grace than he went away in some disorder and I daresay he will never invite another Welshman to his table we forthwith quitted the field of this achievement in order to prosecute our journey but we follow no determinate course we make small deviations to see the remarkable towns villas and curiosities on each side of our route so that we advance by slow steps towards the borders of Monmouthshire but in the midst of these irregular motions there is no aberration nor eccentricity in that affection with which I am dear what always J. Melford September 28 end of section 68 section 69 of the expedition of Humphrey Clinker this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Deborah Lynn the expedition of Humphrey Clinker section 69 to Dr. Lewis Dear Dick at what time of life may a man think himself exempted from the necessity of sacrificing his repose to the punctilious of a contemptible world I have been engaged in a ridiculous adventure which I shall recount at meeting and this I hope will not be much longer delayed as we have now performed almost all our visits as any right to retard us in our journey homewards a few days ago understanding by accident that my old friend Bainhurd was in the country I would not pass so near his habitation without paying him a visit though our correspondence had been interrupted for a long course of years I felt myself very sensibly affected by the idea of our past intimacy as we approached the place where we had spent so many happy days together but when we arrived at the house I was very pleasantly impressed upon my remembrance the tall oaks that shaded the avenue had been cut down and the iron gates at the end of it removed together with the high wall that surrounded the courtyard the house itself which was formerly a convent of Cisterian monks had a venerable appearance and along the front that looked into the garden was a stone gallery which afforded me many in agreeable walk when I was disposed to be contemplative all without his Grecian and all within Gothic as for the garden which was well stocked with the best fruit which England could produce there is not now the least vestige remaining of trees, walls, or hedges nothing appears but a naked circus of loose sand with a dry basin and a leaden triton in the middle you must know that Bainhurd at his father's death had a clear estate of 1500 pounds a year and was in other respects extremely well qualified but what was some excesses of youth and the expense of a contested election he in a few years found himself encumbered with a debt of 10,000 pounds which he resolved to discharge by means of a prudent marriage he accordingly married a Miss Thompson whose fortune amounted to double the sum that he owed she was the daughter of a citizen who had failed in trade but her fortune came by an uncle who died in the East Indies her own parents being dead who had super intended her education and in all appearance was well enough qualified for the usual purposes of the married state her virtues however stood rather upon a negative than a positive foundation she was neither proud, insolent, nor capricious nor given to scandal nor addicted to gaming nor inclined to gallantry she could read and write and dance and sing and play upon the harpsichord and smat her French accomplishments she possessed by haves she excelled in nothing her conversation was flat her style mean and her expression embarrassed in a word her character was totally insipid her person was not disagreeable but there was nothing graceful in her address nor engaging in her manners and she was so ill qualified to do the honors of the house that when she sat at the head of the table one was always looking for the mistress of the family in some other place it was no difficult matter to mold such a subject after his own fashion and that she would cheerfully enter into his views which were wholly turned to domestic happiness he proposed to reside always in the country of which he was fond to a degree of enthusiasm to cultivate his estate which was very improvable to enjoy the exercise of rural diversions to maintain an intimacy of correspondence with some friends that were settled in his neighborhood to keep a comfortable house without suffering his expense to the limits of his income and to find pleasure and employ merit for his wife in the management and avocations of her own family this however was a visionary scheme which he never was able to realize his wife was as ignorant as a newborn babe of everything that related to the conduct of a family and she had no idea of a country life her understanding did not reach so far as to comprehend the first principles of discretion and indeed if her capacity and her natural indolence would not have permitted her to abandon a certain routine to which she had been habituated she had not taste enough to relish any rational enjoyment but her ruling passion was vanity not that species which arises from self conceit of superior accomplishments but that which is of a bastard and idiot nature excited by shoe and ostentation which implies not even the least consciousness of any personal merit since being wrung out in all the usual changes Mr. Brainard thought at high time to make her acquainted with the particulars of the plan which he had projected he told her that his fortune though sufficient to afford all the comforts of life was not ample enough to command all the superfluities of pomp and pageantry which indeed were equally absurd and intolerable he therefore hoped she would have no objection to their leaving London in the spring when he would take the opportunity for the necessary domestics whom he had hired for the occasion of their marriage she heard him in silence and after some pause so said she I am to be buried in the country he was so confounded at this reply that he could not speak for some minutes at length he told her he was much mortified to find he had proposed anything that was disagreeable to her ideas I am sure added he I meant nothing more than to lay down a comfortable plan of living sir said she you were the best judge of your own affairs my fortune I know does not exceed twenty thousand pounds yet even with that pittance I might have had a husband who would not have begrudged me a house in London could God my dear cried poor Baynard in the utmost agitation you don't think me so sorted I only hinted what I thought but I don't pretend to impose yes sir resumed the lady it is your prerogative to command me so saying she burst into tears and retired to her chamber where she was joined by her aunt he endeavored to recollect himself and act with vigor of mind on this occasion but was betrayed by the tenderness of his nature which was the greatest defect of his constitution he found the aunt in tears and the niece in a fit which held her the best part of eight hours at the expiration of which she began to talk incoherently about death and her dear husband and her mother she was taken to his lips and a transport of grief and penitence for the offense he had given from thence forward he carefully avoided mentioning the country and they continued to be sucked deeper and deeper into the vortex of extravagance and dissipation leading what is called a fashionable life in town about the latter end of July however Mrs. Baynard in order to exhibit a proof of conjugal obedience desired of her own accord that they might pay a visit to his country house she excused himself from this excursion which was no part of the economical plan he had proposed but she insisted upon making this sacrifice to his taste and prejudices and a way they went with such an equipage as astonished the whole country all that remained of the season was engrossed by receiving and returning visits in the neighborhood and in this intercourse it was discovered that Sir John Chickwell had a house steward and one footman in livery more than the compliment was made by the aunt at table and assented to by the husband who observed that Sir John Chickwell might very well afford to keep more servants than were found in the family of a man who had not half his fortune Mrs. Baynard ate no supper that evening but was seized with a violent fit which completed her triumph over the spirit of her consort the two supernumerary servants were added the family plate was sold for old silver and a new service procured fashionable furniture was provided and the whole house turned topsy-turvy at their return to London in the beginning of winter he with a heavy heart communicated these particulars to me in confidence before his marriage he had introduced me to the lady as his particular friend and I now offered in that character to lay before her the necessity of reforming her economy if she had any regard to the interest of her own family but Baynard declined my offer on the supposition that his wife's nerves were too delicate to bear expostulation and that it would only serve to overwhelm her with such distress this would make himself miserable Baynard is a man of spirit and had she proved a termigant he would have known how to deal with her but either by accident or instinct she fastened upon the weak side of his soul and held it so fast that he has been in subjection ever since I afterwards advised him to carry her abroad to France or Italy where he might gratify her vanity for half the expense it cost him in England and this advice he followed accordingly she was agreeably flattered with the idea of seeing and knowing foreign parts and foreign fashions of being presented to sovereigns and living familiarly with princes she forthwith seized the hint which I had thrown out on purpose and even pressed Mr. Baynard to hasten his departure so that in a few weeks he would still including the aunt who was her bosom counselor and abetted her in all her oppositions to her husband's will since that period I have had little or no opportunity to renew our former correspondence all that I knew of his transactions amounted to no more than that after an absence of two years they returned so little improved in economy that they launched out into new oceans of extravagance which at length obliged him to mortgage his estate to the children of which the last only survives a puny boy of 12 or 13 who will be ruined in his education by the indulgence of his mother as for Baynard neither his own good sense nor the dread of indigence nor the consideration of his children has been a force sufficient to stimulate him into the resolution of breaking at once the shameful spell by which he seems enchanted with a taste capable of the most refined enjoyment of humanity and a disposition strongly turned to the more rational pleasures of a retired and country life he has heard about in a perpetual tumult amidst the mob of beings pleased with rattles, baubles and googos so void of sense and distinction that even the most acute philosopher would find it a very hard task to discover for what wise purpose of providence they were created and of absurdity to which he is doomed for life he has long resigned all views of improving his fortune by management and attention to the exercise of husbandry in which he delighted and as to domestic happiness not the least glimpse of hope remains to amuse his imagination thus, blasted in all his prospects he could not fail to be overwhelmed with melancholy and chagrin which have preyed upon his health I have given you a sketch of the man whom the other day I went to visit at the gate we found a great number of powdered lackeys but no civility after we had sat a considerable time in the coach we were told that Mr. Boehner had rode out and that his lady was dressing but we were introduced to a parlor so very fine and delicate that in all appearance it was designed to be seen only not inhabited but both rich to mask so smooth and slick that they looked as if they had never been sat upon there was no carpet upon the floor but the boards were rubbed and waxed in such a manner that we could not walk but were obliged to slide along them and as for the stove it was too bright and polished to be polluted with sea coal or stained by the smoke of any gross material fire when we had remained above half an hour sacrificing to the inhospitable powers my friend Boehner derived and understanding we were in the house made his appearance so meager, yellow and dejected that I really should not have known him had I met with him in any other place running up to me with great eagerness he strained me in his embrace and his heart was so full that for some minutes he could not speak having saluted us all round he perceived our uncomfortable situation and conducting us into another apartment which had fire in the chimney called for chocolate then with drawing he returned with a compliment from his wife and in the meantime presented his son Harry a shambling blear-eyed boy in the habit of a hussar very rude, forward and impertinent his father would have sent him to a boarding school but his mama and aunt would not hear of his lying out of the house so that there was a clergyman engaged as his tutor in the family as it was just turned of twelve and the whole house was in commotion late before we dined and proposed a walk to Mr. Bainard that we might converse together freely in the course of this perambulation when I expressed some surprise that he had returned so soon from Italy he gave me to understand that his going abroad had not at all answered the purpose for which he left England that although the expense of living was not so great in Italy as at home respect being had to the same rank of life in both countries it had been found necessary that he might be on some footing with the Counts, Marquesses and Cavaliers with whom he kept company he was obliged to hire a great number of servants to take off a great variety of rich clothes and to keep a sumptuous table for the fashionable Scorisonia of the country who without a consideration of this kind would not have paid any attention to an untitled foreigner that his family or fortune be ever so respectable besides Mrs. Bainard was continually surrounded by a train of combinations of language masters musicians, painters and Cicceroni and had actually fallen into the disease of buying pictures and antiques upon her own judgment which was far from being infallible at length she met with an affront which gave her disgust to Italy and drove her back to England with some precipitation by means of frequenting the Duchess of Bedford's Conversation while her grace was at Rome Mrs. Bainard became acquainted to their assemblies without scruple thus favored she conceived too great an idea of her own importance and when the Duchess left Rome resolved to have a conversesion that should leave the Romans no room to regret her grace's departure she provided hands for a musical entertainment and sent biglietti of invitation to every person of distinction but not one Roman of the female sex appeared at her assembly she was that night seized the exploration of which she declared that the Arab Italy would be the ruin of her constitution in order to prevent this catastrophe she was speedily removed to Geneva from once they returned to England by the way of Lyons in Paris by the time they arrived at Calais she had purchased such a quantity of silks, stuffs and laces that it was necessary to hire a vessel to smuggle them over and this vessel was taken by a custom house cutter so that they lost the whole cargo it now appears that her travels had produced no effect upon her but that of making her more expensive and fantastic than ever she effected to lead the fashion not only in point of female dress but in every article of taste and connoisseurship she made a drawing of the new façade to the house in the country she pulled up the trees and pulled down the walls of the garden so as to let in the easterly wind which Mr. Baynard's ancestors had been at great pains to exclude from laying out ground she seized into her own hand a farm of 200 acres about a mile from the house which she parceled out into walks and shrubberies having a great basin in the middle into which she poured a whole stream that turned two mils and afforded the best trout in the country the bottom of the basin however was so ill secured that it would not hold the water which strained through the earth and made a bog of the whole plantation for a year now cost him 200 pounds a year to keep it in tolerable order over and above the first expense of trees shrubs, flowers, turf, and gravel there was not an inch of garden ground left about the house nor a tree that produced fruit of any kind nor did he raise a truss of hay or a bushel of oats for his horses nor had he a single cow to afford milk for his tea far less did he ever dream of feeding his own mutton pigs in poultry every article of housekeeping was brought from the next market town at the distance of five miles and thither they sent a courier every morning to fetch hot rolls for breakfast in short, Baynard fairly owned that he spent double his income and that in a few years he should be obliged to sell his estate for the payment of his creditors he said that his wife had such delicate nerves and such invisibility of spirit that she could neither bear remonstrance be it ever so gentle to the necessity of such a measure he had therefore ceased struggling against the stream and endeavored to reconcile himself to ruin by reflecting that his child at least would inherit his mother's fortune which was secured to him by the contract of marriage the detail which he gave me of his affairs filled me at once with grief and indignation I invaded bitterly against the indiscretion of his wife and reproached him with his unmanly acquiescence under the absurd tyranny which she exerted to collect his resolution and make one effectual effort to disengage himself from a thralldom equally shameful and pernicious I offered him all the assistance in my power I undertook to regulate his affairs and even to bring about a reformation in his family if he would only authorize me to execute the plan I should form for his advantage I was so affected by the subject that I could not help mingling tears with my remonstrances and Baynard was so penetrated by these marks of my affection that he lost all power of utterance he pressed me to his breast with great emotion and wept in silence at length he exclaimed friendship is undoubtedly the most precious balm of life your words dear Bramble have in a great measure recalled me from an abyss of despondence in which I have been long overwhelmed I will upon honor make you acquainted with a distinct state of my affairs and as far as I am able to go will follow the course you prescribe but there are certain lengths which my nature the truth is there are tender connections of which a bachelor has no idea shall I own my weakness I cannot bear the thoughts of making that woman uneasy and yet cried I she has seen you unhappy for a series of years unhappy from her misconduct without ever showing the least inclination to alleviate your distress nevertheless said he I am persuaded she loves me with the most warm affection but these are incongruities of the human mind which I hold to be inexplicable I was shocked at his infatuation and changed the subject after we had agreed to maintain a close correspondence for the future he then gave me to understand that he had two neighbors who like himself were driven by their wives at full speed in the high road to bankruptcy and ruin all the three husbands were of dispositions very different from each other and according to this variation their consorts were admirably suited for the rejection the views of the ladies were exactly the same they vied in grandeur that is in ostentation with the wife of Sir Charles Chickwell who had four times their fortune and she again peaked herself upon making an equal figure with a neighboring pierce whose revenue trebled her own here then was the fable of the frog and the ox realized in four different instances within the same county one large fortune was traversed by the inflation of female vanity and in three of these instances three different forms of female tyranny were exercised Mr. Baynard was subjugated by practicing upon the tenderness of his nature Mr. Milkson being of a timorous disposition chuckled to the insolence of a termigate Mr. Sourby who was of a temper need to be moved by fits nor driven by menaces had the fortune to be fitted with the helpmate sometimes sneering in the way of compliment sometimes throwing out sarcastic comparisons implying reproaches upon his want of taste spirit and generosity by which means she stimulated his passions from one act of extravagance to another just as the circumstances of her vanity required all these three ladies have at this time the same number of horses carriages and servants in and out of livery the same variety of dress the same quantity of plate in china and in their entertainments they endeavor to exceed one another in the variety, delicacy and expense of their dishes I believe it will be found upon inquiry that nineteen out of twenty who are ruined by extravagance fall a sacrifice to the ridiculous pride and vanity of silly women whose parts are held in contempt by the very men whom they pillage and enslave thank heaven, Dick, that among all the follies and weaknesses of human nature Mrs. Bainard and I had discussed all these matters at leisure we returned towards the house and met cherry with our two women who had come forth to take the air as the lady of the mansion had not yet made her appearance in short, Mrs. Bainard did not produce herself till about a quarter of an hour before dinner was upon the table then her husband brought her into the parlor accompanied by her aunt and son and she received us with a coldness of reserve sufficient to freeze the very soul of hospitality she knew I had been the intimate friend of her husband and had often seen me with him in London she showed no marks of recognition or regard when I addressed myself to her in the most friendly terms of salutation she did not even express the common compliment of I am glad to see you or I hope you have enjoyed your health since we had the pleasure of seeing you or some such words of course nor did she once open her mouth in the way of welcome to my sister and my niece and her aunt the model upon which she had been formed was indeed the very essence of insipid formality but the boy was very pert and impudent and praded without ceasing at dinner the lady maintained the same ungracious indifference never speaking but in whispers to her aunt and as to the repast it was made up of a parcel of kick-shaws contrived by a French cook without one substantial article adapted to the satisfaction the potage was little better than bread soaked in dish washings lukewarm the ragus looked as if they had been once eaten and half digested the fricassees were involved in a nasty yellow poultice and the rotas were scorched and stinking for the honor of the fumit the dessert consisted of faded fruit and iced froth a good emblem of our landlady's character the table beer was sour the water foul and the wine vapid but there was a parade of plate and china and a powdered lackey stood behind every chair except those of the master and mistress of the house who were served by two valets dressed like gentlemen we dined in a large old gothic parlor which was formerly the hall it was now paved with marble and notwithstanding the fire which had been kindled about an hour struck me with such a chill sensation that when I entered at the teeth chattered in my jaws in short, everything was cold, comfortless and disgusting except the looks of my friend Bainard which declared the warmth of his affection and humanity after dinner we withdrew into another apartment where the boy began to be impertinently troublesome to my niece Liddy he wanted a play-fellow for Soothe and would have romped with her had she encouraged his advances he was even so impudent as to snatch a kiss at which she changed countenance and though his father checked him for the rudeness of his behavior he became so outrageous as to thrust his hand in her bosom an insult to which she did not tamely submit though one of the mildest creatures upon earth her eyes sparkling with resentment she started up and lent him such a box in the ear as sent him staggering to the other side of the room Miss Melford cried his father you have treated him with the utmost propriety I am only sorry that the impertinence of any child in mind which I cannot but applaud and admire his wife was so far from ascenting to the candor of his apology that she rose from the table and taking her son by the hand come child said she your father cannot abide you so saying she retired with this hopeful youth and was followed by her guvernante but neither the one nor the other deigned to take the least notice of the company Baynard was exceedingly disconcerted but I perceived his uneasiness was tinctured with resentment and derived a good omen from this discovery I ordered the horses to be put to the carriage and though he made some efforts to detain us all night I insisted upon leaving the house immediately but before I went away I took an opportunity of speaking to him again in private I said everything I could recollect to animate his endeavors and shaking off those shameful trammels I made no scruple to declare that his wife was unworthy of that tender complacence that she had shown for her foibles that she was dead to all the genuine sentiments of conjugal affection insensible of her own honor and interest and seemingly destitute of common sense and reflection I conjured him to remember what he owed to his father's house to his own reputation and to his family including even this unreasonable woman herself who was driving on blindly to her own destruction I advised him to form a plan for retrenching superfluous expense and try to convince the end of the necessity for such a reformation that she might gradually prepare her knees for its execution and I exhorted him to turn that disagreeable piece of formality out of the house if he should find her averse to his proposal Here he interrupted me with a sigh observing that such a step would undoubtedly be failed to Mrs. Baynard I shall lose all patience cried I to hear you talk so weakly Mrs. Baynard's fits will never hurt her constitution since they are all affected I am sure she has no feeling for your distresses and when you are ruined she will appear to have no feeling for her own Finally I took his word and honor that he would make an effort such as I had advised that he would form a plan of economy and if he found it impracticable without my assistance he would come to Bath in the winter where I promised to give him the meeting and contribute all in my power to the retrieval of his affairs and be if by my means a worthy man whom I love and esteem can be saved from misery, disgrace and despair I have only one friend more to visit in this part of the country but he is of a complexion very different from that of Baynard You have heard me mention Sir Thomas Bulford whom I knew in Italy He has now become a country gentleman but being disabled by the gout from enjoying any amusement abroad he entertains himself within doors by keeping open house for all commerce including upon the oddities and humours of his company but he himself is generally the greatest original at his table he is very good-humored, talks much and laughs without ceasing I am told that all the use he makes of his understanding at present is to excite Merth by exhibiting his guests and ludicrous attitudes I know not how far we may furnish him with entertainment of this kind but I am resolved to beat up his quarters partly with a view to laugh partly with a view to his lady a good-natured sensible woman with whom he lives upon very easy terms although she has not had the good fortune to bring him an heir to his estate and now dear Dick I must tell you for your comfort that you are the only man upon earth to whom I would presume to send such a long-winded epistle which I could not find in my heart to curtail because the subject interested the warmest passions of my heart neither will I make any other apology to the correspondent who has been so long accustomed to the impertinence of Matt Bramble September 30 End of Section 69