 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a comedy show created by Si Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Kellan Maxx, with Alan Lee, Dice Pasquale. And the makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum are glad to bring you life with Luigi because they feel it's a friendly, good-natured show that offers you relaxation and enjoyment. And they'd like to mention the fact that their product, Wrigley's Spearman Gum, offers you relaxation and enjoyment too. It's pleasant to chew on a smooth piece of Wrigley's Spearman whether you're working, shopping, listening to your radio or doing just about anything. Wrigley's Spearman Gum tastes good, it's refreshing, and the good easy chewing gives you comfort and satisfaction. Now, Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum brings you Luigi as he writes another letter describing his adventures in America to his mama basco in Italy. More than anything else in America, I love my night school and I don't care if all the Chicago knows about it. Here, if somebody is to fix up his story, he's hanging out to sign closed during alteration. Well, when I'm about to go to school every night, I'm going to hang up on my sign closed during education. There's so much you can learn about America. And I'm lucky, I'm going to teach you like Miss Pauling. She's just so beautiful with a blonde hair, blue eyes, lovely voice. My mommy has cast a lot of words to her teachers like this. All the farmers would be in a school and the cows would have to milk themselves. But this week I'm afraid, I'm afraid I'm not going to enjoy night school so much because Miss Pauling is going to leave us for a week. Yes, she's going to visit her sick sister in Milwaukee and today she's going to say goodbye to us. Excuse me, mommy, here comes the bus driver. Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi. Hello, hello. Hello, bus driver. Why are you so sad, little banana nose? You look like you lost your best friend in the game of Canazza. I don't realize about the school of bus driver, Miss Pauling is going to wait for the week until Milwaukee and we all are going to miss her. Oh, poor little pumpkin ahead. My heart's breaking the teeny-weeny pieces of field. So, Miss Pauling is going to wait and leave you for a week, eh? Yes, sir. That's the matter. She can't email any of your zeros from Milwaukee. Bus driver, that's not the funny to me. Ah, you make me sick. You and you, Miss Pauling, I never dig like a woman with a brain. That's not a natural. Oh, bus driver, you're joking. Women ain't made to think, Luigi. That's not their best part. A woman is made to cook and clean and keep a house. She's got so much of brains that she makes her husband do all those things. Bus driver, you really think all the women should be stupid? No doubts about it. I take a woman. She's got a smaller head, a smaller ears, and a smaller brain. Now, look at me. A man. Look at that head. You could have seen my brain and you'd have really seen a big piece of meat. You're so right, Pascuali. You're the biggest meathead I ever knew. That's a funny thing. When I say it, it's a come out of difference. Now, Luigi, how about my daughter Rosa? No, no, no. Tonight, excuse me, Pascuali. I'm going to go to my school and I'm going to say goodbye to Miss Spaulding. Miss Spaulding is going away. All right, guys. I'll call the roll. Mr. Baskow? Here. Mr. Howlitz? Here. Mr. Olsen? Mr. Schultz? Come home, Miss Spaulding. Howlitz, forgive me. Mr. Schultz, what are you talking about? Nothing. I just heard the rumor. They got a big sight loan in Milwaukee. The houses are being carried away. And the lake is covering up half the city. Mr. Schultz, where and when did you hear that crazy rumor? Right here, 10 seconds ago, and I started it. Oh, come now, Mr. Schultz. Miss Spaulding, please. Don't be angry with Schultz. He just expressed our sentiments. And we're going to miss you this weekend when you're going away, Miss Spaulding. Well, thank you, class. I feel highly flattered. Of course, I miss all of you, too. Why are you going to Milwaukee, Miss Spaulding? They got plenty of beer right here in Chicago. Miss Spaulding, who's going to pitch us whether you're in Milwaukee? Well, I'll tell you later. Now, let's start the lesson. Miss Spaulding. Please, no more interruption. Oh, excuse me. What are you going to say, Miss Johnson? No, it is a stupid question. Well, let me decide. What did you want to ask me? No, Miss Spaulding. I had no right. Oh, yes, you do. Oh, some Oscar before Milwaukee's disease from the Union. Miss Spaulding. Perhaps if you do have the time, perhaps you could give us a phone call. Oh, it's enough. What is it, Miss Spaulding? A millionaire? Well, we'd like to hear from a Luigi. Maybe a little telegram. That is still a cost too much. A special delivery? Yes, only a little. Luigi, give her a blanket, a can of sternum, and tell her to send a smoke signal. And don't mind us, Miss Spaulding. Just go see your sister and try yourself and come back ready to find four of the most ignorant students in the history of American education. Well, I know you don't mean that, Mr. Short. Class, I expect you all to study your lessons and listen to Mr. Hein. Mr. Hein? We've got the fourth grade, Vera. We've already had him as a substitute. And oh, gee, he is so strict. He gives out lower grades than a thermometer as the north forward. My son is a character to my English so much I must not have talked to myself for an Italian. Miss Spaulding, look, Mr. Hein, say you are only chosen. Well, Mr. O'Rourke, our principal made the assignment, and it's only for a week, five days. It's only five days, Miss Spaulding. The electric chair is only five minutes. And I would rather have the hot seats than the hot bed. Good evening, Miss Spaulding. Speaking of the deficit. Here he is. What? Good evening, Mr. Hein. Class, you all know Mr. Hein. Good evening, class. Good evening, Mr. Hein. Class, as you know, Mr. Hein will take over during my absence, and I'm sure he will treat you the same as I have. Of course, Miss Spaulding. Mr. O'Rourke, our principal sent me in with instructions to relieve you at this moment. Now? Pleasant little surprise, eh? Our principal is aware of the fact that you're catching the 10-45 tonight, and he knows you can use the extra time to get ready. Of course, how sweet of him. Well, goodbye, class. Goodbye, Miss Spaulding. I know you'll get along wonderfully well with him, Mr. Hein. Yeah, fine, class, really. Yes, yes, I'm sure. Well, have a pleasant trip, Miss Spaulding. Thank you. Right, now that we're alone? Agenda! All right, front. Head to the back and listen to me. Last time I had you, you made a fool out of me. Well, this time, you're in my care for a week. Let's get this straight. I'll stand for no tiredness. There will be a zero handed out for each lateness, a zero for untidiness, a zero for coming in unprepared, a zero for talking out of town. Stop! You got enough zeros right there to bring back the Japanese Air Force! Mr. Schultz, you have the honor of collecting the first zero. Does anybody else feel like talking out of town? Mr. Heinz? A zero for you, Mr. Vasco. That will teach you to raise your hand before you speak. Now, before I give you your first test, if anybody has any questions concerning today's work, raise your hand. Yes, Mr. Vasco? Mr. Heinz, we're wasn't supposed to get to no test today. You used the double negative in that sentence, Mr. Vasco. Correct yourself. We're wasn't supposed to not to get to no test today. Now it's a double negative. We're never supposed to not to get to no test today. That's a quadruple negative. You need to keep going. Try for Clint Doppler. You may take a zero for that remark, Mr. Schultz. Mr. Heinz, may I leave the rope? What for? Where are you going? To my draught for to enlist. Before we return to life with Luigi, here's a suggestion that millions of people find helpful and enjoyable. During the rush of a busy day, chew a stick of delicious wriggly spearmint gum from time to time. You'll be surprised how much that little stick of wriggly spearmint can do for you. For instance, it quickly fashions your mouth and throat. Then, too, the pleasant easy chewing helps relieve that feeling of strain and tension, gives you comfort and satisfaction. For you see, chewing wriggly spearmint gum helps you keep going through the day, feeling your best and doing your best. Try it and see for yourself. Wherever you go, carry a package of refreshing, delicious wriggly spearmint gum with you. From time to time, chew a stick. Chew it for enjoyment and chew it for the help it gives you in carrying through your day's activities. Let's turn to page two of Luigi Basko's letter to his mother in Italy. Well, my mom and dad a week ago, they started without the misspelling words the worst we ever had. Mr. Heine is handed out so many zeros you would think it was all the walking around with empty brains. Then when we complained to him about the zeros he used to say, you're right. You don't all deserve the zeros. That's the lowest mark I'm allowed to hand out. Monday was a terrible, but it was the part of all it was the next day when Mr. Heine was a teller of the very bad denusion. I knew something was going to be a little bad because as soon as these have come into classes, Mr. Heine is around the school all the time. Sit down, put your hands behind your backs. Eye front. Now I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko? Hey, here. Mr. Basko, do you stutter? No, no, no, no. You're doing it right. Count yourselves. Basko? Two, three, shoot! So how Mr. Schultz wants to play games, huh? Or I put the right handkerchief around my eyes and stand me up against the wall. Mr. Heine, I was only joking. The smile. This was around zero, Mr. Schultz. We'll make you smile from the other side of your face. I wonder how I'm going to look smiling lefty. Well, as long as you're happy, I might as well tell you the good news. Mr. Orth is coming in this Friday to see what grades you make this week. Oh, yes. I thought you'd be a little surprised. And I wouldn't be surprised if at the end of this week we might see a little break-up of you four musketeers. But what about Ms. Fung? I have no worries about a teacher that treats her pupils as... as a human being. All right. So, you're smug. Let's start the lesson right now. Mr. Vasco named ten constitutional powers of the federal government. Ten? I always said the government had too much power. Ten powers of the federal government, Mr. Vasco. And I'll give you ten percent for each correct item. If you guess wrong, I'll give you ten percent for each wrong guess. Talk slowly, Jean. Charge him six percent in ten. Mr. Joe, that whispering will cost you one zero. Go on, Mr. Vasco. Ten powers of the federal government. And raise the taxes? Regulate the commerce? No. Coin of the money? That's thirty percent you've earned so far. Go on. I'll give you ten percent for each wrong guess. Fifty percent? Are you finished? Well, I'll press up at the banks on a holiday. The president is the wedges. But the states are clean. Zero, zero, zero. That's thirty percent off. Forgetting, Mr. Vasco. Leaving you a total grade of twenty percent. All right, Mr. Horowitz. Next, just to shave no haircut once over like this. I'm sorry. You may tell us ten powers of the federal government. And don't repeat the five that Mr. Vasco mentioned. Naturally. I wouldn't think of that. Now, let me see. The government can raise an army, they can raise a navy, they can raise the marines. In emergencies, there's the air aid wardens and the voice cops. Zero. You may sit down, Mr. Horowitz. Now, let me see who's next. Mr. Chelsea! Oxel, suddenly! I've got a weak heart! You name the ten powers of the federal government. And what has your weak heart got to say about that? It's the oxygen tent in the house. Well, where's the answer? I haven't got any. All right, zero. How's that? I feel like I just got the purple heart. Mr. Olsen. With somebody in there as a prize. Next time, I will be happy to name every single power that the Constitution gives to Congress. Very good. If that were your question. As it happens, I have a different question, Mr. Olsen. Huh? Mr. Olsen, tell us, if you will, three powers that are constitutionally denied to both the federal and state governments. What? Don't know. Do you, Mr. Olsen? I wouldn't say that. Neither government can grant titles of nobility, levy duties on exports, or pass expo-specto laws. The point is, how much about the Constitution that Thomas Jefferson forgot to put in? You've got a hundred percent to have, Mr. Heine? I have no talking out of turn. Now, Mr. Olsen, you answered that three-part question correctly. Three-part? Now, if you will tell me the first seven amendments that were voted on in our 1946 city election, you will earn a hundred percent. That man should get the job of singing up the questions for child jackpot! 1946 is hit the amendments. And word them accurately, please. You have ten seconds. Go on. Uh, uh, float alone for the schools. Build a new highway. Improve the city water supply. Rear-round gases reduce you to a zero. A zero? That's impossible. It's unbelievable. It's treason! Olsen, sit down. Close the door, Luigi. Let's start the meeting. I'd like to show you something. Fellow classmates and sufferers, you all know why we called this United Nations meeting here in Luigi's anti-sharp to discuss ways and means of dealing with a common enemy. You should excuse the expression, Mr. Heine. Or death. Big yerk. You gave me a zero. You're on worst than that. If this keeps up, Miss Bonding won't have a class when she comes back. We are just here from the delegate from Sweden. Don't the Italian delegate have any objection? Yes, Mr. President, sometimes we do better with good than bad. How about if we talk to Mr. Heine in a nicer way? No, no, I stand on the record against the Peasman. Mr. President, the delegate from Israel has the floor. Thank you. It so happens I was talking to a former pupil of Mr. Heine today, and he strives every mark from the record as untrue. Any former student of Mr. Heine couldn't possibly be alive. If Mr. President will allow me to proceed, maybe I got the solution. The President will shut his trap. Oh, please, Mr. Delegate. Oh, they should call me Trin Vichult. Tell us, tell us I got the solution. We can't kill Heine. That's illegal, huh? So we do the next best thing. We kill him with kindness. For the kindness I had also a reminiscence. Well, like I was saying before, today I'm at the pupil of Heine's, and he told me Mr. Heine has one big weakness. Girls, I said, human blood. Now, friends, it's food. For the food? That's right. He loves to eat. The man just can't resist food of any kind. Oh, I see. Tonight we all bring in apples. Sure, if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, maybe ten apples will keep Heine in Liberia. Not only apples. We bring in whatever we can, and let's hope it works. After those in Heine, well, for me all of my life, I'm not going to trouble with the people who like to eat. Well, that's all about the plan works. I see you've brought more food today. Well, thank you. I'll call the roll. Mr. Vasco? Here. And I've brought you some delicious rust to be for sandwiching, Mr. Heine. Just leave it on my desk. All right. Mr. Horwitz, present. And it's my pleasure to contribute this thermos bottle full of the most delicious home-brewed coffee like only my ester can make. Good, good. Mr. Olsen? And my wife Olga sends you this cake. Good, good. Thank her for me, Mr. Olsen. Mr. Schultz? One box of my carbonate of soda. Mr. Heine, I really got you a can of stock. Well, gentlemen, I'm really flattered by all this sudden attention. Mmm. This banana is delicious, though. I hope Mr. Orts doesn't know that I'm eating a class. Oh, no, no, no. He won't are going to know because we wouldn't have killed a principal under you. And Mr. Heine, when the principal comes into the tomato, are you not going to tell him we all have got zeroes and so far, huh? Certainly not. Mr. Heine wouldn't do such a thing, huh? Of course not. I certainly will. He was from all the doubles of ancients. Dear friends, to hurry up, Mr. Heine is a communist. All those families on top of those cases of rude beer. Over there next to the Coca-Cola bar. How many Turkish you got there? I cleaned out my delegates. You can talk of these turkeys against Horowitz's rye breads in the corner. My barefoot is going to reach up to the window. Hey, you think Mr. Heine's is going to eat all this shit? Sure, let him bust. Listen, fellas, I just bought him a meal downstairs in the lunchroom that would kill a whore. And I'm going to give him a bottle of red wine to drink before this. If our kindness don't break him down today, boys, we're sunk. The principal is coming in today to find out about our marks. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Hey, there's a coming in. Good evening, class. Good evening, Mr. Heine. Good evening, Mr. Heine. Oh, bye. What's all that food doing in the corner? Dirtiest knot worth. Milk, cheesecake. All for you, Mr. Heine. We love you. I'll call the roll. The seated roll. Mr. Harlott. Here. Mr. Baskill. Here. Mr. Salami. Here. He's so gestaught, he fell asleep. Must be the wine I'm going to give him. Oh, that's wonderful. Now, he won't bother. That's all right. But, boys, this is a bad night. The principal is coming in to get our marks. We should have given him a Mickey Finn Monday and woke him up tonight, and now we do just the opposite. Why don't we let him sleep? We'll just get him in trouble. Not, Heine. You blame it all on us. You're right, Harlott. We got to wake him up, as if the principal sees what we did to Heine. He'll never let us get near me. Hey, principal, as you come in, oh, my God. Harlott, Harlott, it's nice to have you here. Slap him, don't help. It only gives me pleasure. Has anyone got some smelling salts? We've got Limburger Chiefs under his nose. That's great. Don't help, Schultz. Don't help. Hey, quick, quick, the principal has got something to do. Oh, dear, if you only had some water to throw on his face. You'll have to hand me that bottle opener. What are you going to do? I'm going to give him a bath in rude beer. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop pouring that stuff on my head. Are you crazy? What is that? Rude beer. That kills dandals. Hey, hey, hey. Here's a package for Mr. Schein. Wake up, wake up. Here comes the principal. What? Good heavens. Well, Mr. Heine. My goodness. What's happened in here? Well, I can explain, Mr. Orson. And what's all this in the corner? Are you running a delicatessen on the side? Mr. Orson, did you ever hear funders for Breton? This is hamburgers for Heine. What? You see, we love Mr. Heine so much that this last day we all brought him presents. Well, I'm glad to see you're doing so well. Mr. Heine, you asked me to come in tonight to find out how this class is done during Miss Balding's absence? Well, you can ask them yourself. I'm sure they'll be fair in their grades. Sure. I have a hundred percent so far. What? And I got a hundred percent so far. And I made two hamburgers a hundred percent, too. Yeah, I'm the stupid one. Only 99. Miss Balding will be delighted. Keep up the good work. Thank you. No, no, no, Mr. Heine. Quiet. Quiet, all of you. Get to your seat. We'll see how long those hundred percent last. I just decided to give you a history test. Mr. Vasco, who was Vice President under McKinley? Mr. Brinus? Zero. Mr. Horowitz? Mr. Tillham? Zero. Mr. Schultz? No, stop being silly, Mr. Heine. Would anybody care for a professor army on rides? Many. Otherwise it's terrible a week without a Miss Balding. And I'm never going to forget that first day when she's finally come back. Hello, class. Miss Balding. Miss Balding. A human voice again. My God, he's so good. The Marines have landed. God save America and the next time Miss Balding, bring Milwaukee to Chicago and you stay home. The terrible week, like all the bad things, was finally come to an end. You'll have a son, Luigi Vasco, Lily McGinty. Thanks to the makers of Wrigley's experiment, I hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi. And they'd like to remind you to stop at your merchant's display of chewing gum next time you go to the store. Get a few packages of refreshing, delicious Wrigley's spearmint and take them home for your whole family to enjoy. Millions of families keep Wrigley's spearmint gum handy in their homes because it's a wholesome, inexpensive taste treat that people of all ages enjoy. Besides, as you know, chewing on a good piece of gum helps keep your teeth clean and bright and aids digestion. Treat the folks at your house to Wrigley's spearmint chewing gum. They'll like it and it's good for them. The makers of Wrigley's spearmint chewing gum invite you to listen next week at this time when Luigi Vasco writes another letter to his mama Vasco in Italy. Life with Luigi is a sigh hard production. Pat Burton is associate producer. The script was written by Mack Benhoff and Lou Derman and directed by Mr. Benhoff. All night to start as Luigi Vasco with Alan Lee, that's what's going on. Tom Lee, that's what's going on. Mary Shipp, that's what's going on. Joe Forte is one of it. Ken Peters, that's what's going on. Earl Ross, that's what's going on. Music on the director of Mudbluskin. This is Charles Lyon. This is the CBS Radio Network.