 RCA Victor, world leader and radio first in recorded music and first in television presents transcribed the Phil Harris Alice Faye show For your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevrolet with Elliott Lewis Walter Tetley Robert North Janine Roos and Whitfield Walter Sharpen his music and yours truly Bill Foreman Many fathers helped their children with their homework the other day Phil helped his little girls with their history lesson and the repercussions were rather startling more about that later first a word from RCA Victor Again this year the front-page news in television comes from RCA Victor now RCA Victor maker of the world's most own television brings you an entire new line of television and every set is five ways finer for 53 first Every 1953 RCA Victor has the new automatic magic monitor this special circuit system proved in thousands of sets Automatically brings in and holds the finest pictures possible Second RCA's improved deep image picture tube offers pictures of extra depth and clarity Third you get new long-distance reception better performance even in far-out fringe areas fourth There's no worry about new television stations at modest extra cost RCA Victor brings you its new advanced VHF UHF tuner this automatic tuner has twice the center sensitivity of many other tuners and fifth this year You have the greatest choice of cabinet styles and finishes in RCA Victor history. Yes RCA Victor again brings you the big advances in TV yet prices still start at only $199 and 95 cents $199 and 95 cents that's the low low price of the wane big 17 inch television in a handsome table model cabinet See the entire new line of RCA Victor TV at your dealer's tomorrow and ask him to show you why new RCA Victor television is five ways finer for 53 for expert installation and service ask about an RCA Victor factory service contract And now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris Last week Phil had his ancestry traced and he was told that he is a full-blooded Indian He was also informed that he is a direct descendant of a Mohican chief He's taken this very seriously and has reverted to the ways of the early red man In fact as we look in he is serving the children breakfast Indian style Big Indian chief just make them breakfast Little Indian princess ready to eat them show nothing. Yeah, man Now come off with southern jives We Indians now daddy can't we please eat now. I'm hungry. No first. I sing them sue eating song Won't you come with me to Redskins nation come see my mom on reservation? She's dry and corn for Indian ration and that's what I like about the shoes Breakfast with Indian drink. Oh daddy. Do we have to drink this? We don't like it. You don't like them good buffalo juice We have good breakfast that I cook them Indian style. Do you really know how to cook Indian style daddy? You betcha I get them recipe handed down from great great grandmother. She was great Indian cook at Time white man discover America What did you make for breakfast daddy? We have dried fish ground corn scrambled herbs and venison kachatory Daddy that's an Italian dish. We know him. We know him Grandma had a couple of dates with Columbus when he landed Eat them fast so you can get them to school on time Indian never should be morning children. Good morning, Phil. How squall get them up late I'll stop with this Indian talk. You've been doing it all week and it's driving me crazy Indians don't talk like that anymore They don't know they've been educated and they talk good English Yeah, I guess you're right and from now on I'm gonna talk good English of which there ain't nobody better at A girl's eat your breakfast I want to talk to your father you wish to hold a powwow with the chief Phil Harris, do you honestly please from now on we're using my Indian name Phil fast horse I'll thank you to show more respect when speaking to me the last of the Mohicans Oh Phil just because some Indian named Andrew fast horse told you you were a Mohican doesn't mean you have to believe Of course, I believe it Andrew fast horse is not just some Indian He's my cousin and I believe everything he says really just taking you for your money and wait a minute now The powwow is over the great chief no longer wishes to talk to the white squall You're dismissed on a kahoochee What did you call me on a kahoochee that's your Mohican name It means princes who bulges in the middle from loaded wampum belt Very lovely name and from now on I want you to wait a minute. There's a bell. I'll get it That's probably Elliott. I told him to drop over Hi, Curly. How my luck team told me not cook of him I What's that that's Mohican for welcome pale face with breath like alcohol land Come on in thank you, oh great chief galloping jackass Fast horse. I know with some kind of a running animal Girl you still on that Indian Jag Ever since you wrote to that phony Indian in Rapid City Wait a minute wait a minute cousin and he's not a phony He's as straight as the era that flies from the bull of that great warrior polka-cotta Oh Curly I gotta have a little talk with you. You're being taken by this Andrew fast horse. He's just after your mom That's where you're wrong. He's helping me as I told you Elliott He looked up some of the old Indian grants and told me I own a piece of property with oil on it Yeah, I know it's in Rapid City, South Dakota. Why don't you go there and look at I wrote to Andrew and told Him I was coming to Rapid City to see my oil well, but he wired me and told me not to waste my time Seems my oil well isn't in Rapid City. Where is it? Brooklyn, New York Right on Bedford Avenue across the street from Everett's field Look Curly don't you realize you're being taken by this Indian hustler. There are no oil wells in Brook I know they're right. I know they're right Andrew told me to tell everybody it's in Brooklyn so there won't be a rush to the place where my well really is The place where it really is is a big secret. Where is it? Andrew wouldn't even tell me He keeps a secret beautifully Oh, hello Elliott. Good morning, Mrs. Fast Horse The Chief here was just telling me about his oil well across the street from Everett's field. Mm-hmm Wonderful location, isn't it? It's the only well in the world where you can pump oil with one hand and catch foul balls with the other Go ahead you two you can laugh if you want to the trouble with your both is that you're septic You're too soon as soon as my well comes in and that ain't gonna be long now that I sent Andrew the money to start drilling You said you had something special to teach it. I did oh, oh, yes Yes, well, I was gonna show you how to dry and moth proof a scalp, but We don't have time for that right now kids. You got to go to school Look put on your buckskin breeches in your war paint and get going. Oh being Indians We don't have to go to school. Why is it an Indian holiday? Is it the fourth of Geronimo already? We've been expelled yes The teacher was telling us about the part the Indians played in the Lewis and Clark expedition and we told her she was wrong You told the teacher she was wrong. Why not? Being the daughters of a Mohican chief They know more about the Indians than that pale-faced teacher. Well, the principal said we can't go back to school until we apologize apologize This time the white man has gone too far I'm going down to see that principal and show him that he can't get away with it I feel don't get excited. You're liable to go down there and get in a fight with him and punch him I ain't gonna punch him Us Indians ain't savages Now hand me my hat and tomahawk. I got to go sing I'll go with you. I've never seen a man's tomahawk. All right, come on. Shall I bring a towel? No You'll only get in trouble. All you can't come when we Indian braves go on the warpath We go along our women stay behind and chant a war song to protect us from the evil spirits Go get your tom-tom and start chanting Comes along so unexpected makes you feel so disconnected Comes along a love Comes along a love suddenly brother. Are you happy and excited? Along a love suddenly every dream you've had becomes invited Comes along a love suddenly every dream you've had becomes ignited You just begin to live comes along a lot Comes along a love suddenly though you never sang you're always singing Comes along a love suddenly times you never heard before keep Suddenly night and day your heart is high You Come along a love suddenly pretty things no longer seem to face you Comes along a love suddenly everyone around you seems to praise you Long a love suddenly you discover things that just amazed You just begin to live comes along a lot Suddenly petty little things no longer face you comes along a lot Comes along a love suddenly everyone around you seems to praise you Love suddenly you discover things that just made Begin to live and really love I'll give him a piece of my mind Imagine the nerve of that guy telling Mike Elliot will you come on? What are you staring at? I'm just admiring the schoolhouse Reminds me the time I went to school Of course this place looks a little different than the school I went to but I guess times change. Oh Well, let's go find the warden's office The warden's office, where'd you go east largely high I Don't make fun of my alma mater Some of my happiest days were spent at old pickpocket prep Will you come on already? Let's go Pick the pocket pick the pocket pick the pocket, but don't get caught rock rock Look here's the principal's office I'm gonna tell him that my kids knew what they were talking about when they told the teacher about the part the Indians played In that Lewis and Clark clam bait What makes you so sure they know what they were talking about because I taught him You taught him Hurley, what do you know about Lewis and Clark everything they happen to be friends of mine Jerry Lewis and Dean Clark Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin. Oh Jerry must have gotten himself a new partner Curly that's a different team Lewis and Clark were not comedians. They were jugglers I could have sworn they had something to do with Indians naturally they juggled Indian clubs. I Don't believe we've hit it yet Before I go in and see that principal, I'd better go home and look this thing up So I'm gonna know what I'm talking about. Well, you don't have to go home The sign on that door over there says library Yeah Hey, the school library should have some books on it. Sure. Come on. Let's go in and look it up Hey, I'll ask that kid at the desk where we can find the right book Hey kid, where can I find a book? It's whispering Jack Smith Don't let him know what I'm here for because you'll think I'm making sure Well, um, I'm Well, if you must know Your principal asked me to deliver the lecture to the children the principal asked you to deliver. Oh Brother sarcastic in the library He picked a good man to deliver the lecture because I'm gonna be talking about a subject that's close to my heart The title of my lecture is The title save him that one for my book the lecture to the kids on the part the Indians played in the Lewis and Clark Expedition, what do you know about Lewis and Clark everything? Lewis and Clark were a couple of men or women or one of each I might as well tell you the truth. I'm going into the principal's office and talk about Lewis and Clark And I don't know nothing about So I came in here in the library to look it up Yeah, wish you would kid come on tell me all about him and and I'll remember it because I've got a good mind You're under where wash Yeah, he's right curly that way you can't make a mistake Okay, okay, write it down put it on a piece of paper for me and look kid if you do a good job I'll reward you by giving you one of my latest RCA Victor Indian records Poor kid, I guess he ain't got no record player I'll sing it for you now Mama's fighting mad Mama's boiling. Yes. Mama's on the war path for Papa Papa got it bad. He's in bed very bad awful bad Mama's on the war path Papa's leaving town He's learned that when mama's on the war path. It just ain't safe to be around get away get away And if he runs away He may live to fight another day Before she throws him out you can hear poor Papa yell and shout take to the hills whenever mama's on the war path Papa's laying low Cuz he knows that when mama's on the war path for Papa Papa better blow brother blow better blow brother blow Mama's on the war path Mama wears the pants Cause in our house when mama's on the war path for Papa Papa ain't got a chance not a chance not a prayer He's kaput mama's on the war path Papa's in a jam And he knows that if mama's on the war path. He'd better take it on the lamp better scram on the lamp For Papa's gotta hunch mama's saving up her Sunday punch She likes him black and blue so there's only one thing pop can do take to the hills whenever mama's on the war path Give her lots of room Cause this pop says when mama's on the war path. She's really riding on a broom boom boom boom She's a witch on a broom for Papa's gotta hunch mama's saving up that Sunday punch She likes him black and blue so there's only one thing pop can do take to the hills Whenever mama's on the war path Give her lots of room Cause this pop says when mama's on the war path. She's really riding on a broom Studying it cuz I want to know all hey, that's a good idea. I'll put it right in my hat now Hey, thanks kid Let's go in and see the principal okay chief Hey now that I got this information. I know what I'm talking about and I can really tell that principal first I'm gonna let him know he can't expel a couple of my Indian kids and get away with it Mm-hmm. Now look here's the office follow me and watch this. Let's go in right Are you the principal of this school? Yes, I am and who are you sir? I am that great Indian chief Phil fast horse And I want to talk to you. Sorry. I'm not in the market for any blankets But if I'm ever in Albuquerque, I'll look you up I have to be selling blankets. I'm chief fast horse the last of the Mohicans Surely you've heard of me. Well, you look familiar. I oh, of course. I've seen your picture on the hubcap of a Pontiac Just what do you want here sir? I am here to uphold the honor of the Indian You can't mistreat the children of a fast horse. What are you talking about? You had the nerve to expel my two little fast horses. I don't believe we have any fast horses in this school What are their first name champion and trigger? I'm talking about my daughter You probably know them by their pale face names Alice and Phyllis Harris Harris oh, so you're the father of those two bloodthirsty renegades They ain't bloodthirsty. They ain't huh? No, they I'm way for a school principal to talk now. I know who's been learning my kids to talk bad English Present that there ain't nobody can learn them better than me What have I said now? Will you please get out of here? I am not leaving till you tell me why you expel my kid because they act like savages They threaten to scalp the janitor they they tried to ride the teacher bear back when I wasn't looking they shot arrows at me Arrows that did they hit you? Why do you think I've been standing up all this time? Well, you don't have to get mad about it Those are just childish pranks After all the peace will be the peace Peace that's plural for Papu Look us Indians got our right and we're gonna go stop it. You're no more an Indian than I am. I think you're a phony That I will not stand for I'm a full-blooded Indian and I'm proud of my heritage I'm a real Indian one of the few genuine Indian. All right. All right. You're an Indian Now, please stop bothering me and go stand in front of a cigar store Are still Look buddy one more crack like that, and I'm gonna scrape your insides out and make a canoe out of you I Better take the arrow out of him first he might leak Your children are disrupting the entire school why yesterday that teacher was giving the class a lesson on the Lewis and Clark Expedition and how they discovered the Northwest passage and your girl all it all it I have just been waiting for you to mention Lewis and Clark I'd like to discuss them with you. Oh, I doubt of you know anything about Lewis and Clark Are you serious? I happen to have a hat for a head full of it. Oh You do I alright just who were Lewis and Clark? Well answer me. Who were they wait like get my head under a good light Lewis and Clark their full names were Mary whether Lewis and Mary whether That's right. Oh for a minute. I thought that kid was getting hokey As I was saying their full names were Mary whether Lewis and Stetson 7 and 1 8 Clark Earlier reading the label Lewis and Clark do They were exploring They left St. Louis in 1804 and after many months of travel they discovered Mulholland Drive Oh That's a lover's lane in the Hollywood Hills. This was a new neck of the woods Every fella takes his girl to Mulholland Drive and tries to kiss her and that's why it's called the Northwest pass I don't think that's the way it happened, but this version sounds like more fun Spicy little expedition one Hey, listen to the rest of this Lewis and Clark whistled Oh get out both of you get out of here. This is the most outrageous misinterpretation of history I've ever heard you don't like it Harris get out of this school and don't come back I never want to see your stupid red face again. All right. All right. I'll go come on Elliott Let's go someplace and get a good reading lamp before I want to finish this story I got to find out how them two cats made Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment Year after year and again for 53 RCA Victor brings you the big advances in television Every set in the 1953 line of America's most owned television is now five ways finer There's the new automatic magic monitor circuit system improved deep image picture tube a choice of 42 different combinations of cabinet styles and finishes the greatest Selection in RCA Victor history and yet with all these great advances and more Prices still start at only $199.95 cents See RCA Victor's great line of 1953 television soon You'll find many beautiful sets style to fit perfectly with modern and traditional furniture a good example is the Dobson 21-inch console television with handsomely grain double doors see all 23 new models tomorrow There's one just right for your home and ask your dealer to show you why new RCA Victor television is five ways finer for 53 We're a little late. Good night. Um folks. Good night everybody Program transcribe was Joseph Kerns the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley the character Andrew fast horse was created by and is used under license from Richard English Now RCA Victor brings you the fame British Orchestra the Malacrino strings in a brand new album of light and delightful music in this new album these accomplished continental artists play eight Wonderful selections including masquerade violins in the night and the Pink Lady walls For easy to listen to music ask for this new RCA Victor album the Malacrino strings at your record dealers tomorrow It's only two dollars and eighty cents on new 45 extended play records three dollars on long play Next here theater guild on the air over NBC