 Hello there. It's Thursday at noon. I know it is. Do you remember our arrangement? Thursdays at noon on CFUV. Are you ready to get started? What do you have in mind? What I want to do now is called first person plural. You make it sound excessively attractive. That's what I have in mind. A really great roller coaster ride and water slides and a food court. It had four stories of wonderful stores with pretty objects ready to be bought and then thrown. This palace was a wonderful place and well respected wizard. The Great and his sidekick the wicked witch of the rice. It is at this palace of consumption that you are really really really really scary story. The villagers are not buying things. They are distracted by other people and not as interested in the stores. They seem confused by the pretty objects and unsure of what to do with them. You make the pretty sleep more. Spend. Spend. I'm the Great and worthless witch mom and I command you to spend. Spend. Spend. Spend. I think there's a doggy at your back room. Wait a minute. You want a time? Go on. Spend. Spend. Spend. Spend. Spend. You're listening to first person plural on CFUV. Victoria's Public Radio. 101.9 FM. 104.3 cable. And on the internet cfub.uvig.ca Giving sociology an edge. Law security advisor the wicked witch of the rice reported back to 1600 Transylvania Avenue and told their leader Count W. Hula what had happened at the palace of consumption mysterious and terrible disease plagued the villagers and it was spreading throughout the palace the spells cast by the great glorious green span and his sidekick mall security advisor the wicked witch of the rice no longer enchanted the villagers the villagers were no longer fulfilling their corporate civic obligation and spending money Count W. Hula was a resourceful leader and he held his own bewitching powers in great esteem he decided to cast a spell of his own and in the evil office he was plotting his very own speech Long, long, long that is much better I can't believe I've been reduced to writing my own speeches Suddenly, Rinsfeld approaches Master, master Frank and Chaney wants to know how close you are to being finished with your speech It's coming along nicely, Rinsfeld Please tell him so Yes, master It was very god of you for bringing Frank and Chaney back from the dead No, Rinsfeld, the doctors did that When they jumpstarted his pacemaker I just bought him back from the Nixon administration Oh yes, master Why being blind, is there Yes, thank you very much Send her right in Rinsfeld, I must ask you to leave for the moment Right wing blonde has arrived Master, do you mean Bobby Hall? No, Rinsfeld, right wing blonde She works for corporate news network It is imperative to have a right wing blonde if you're going to run a news network It's in the charter or something Now go, go now Yes, master, yes, master Hi y'all, how are you doing today, sir? It's just so wonderful to be able to come into the evil office I just want to tell everybody the pre-designated news of the day It's very good of you to feed it to me on a daily basis the way you do I used to envy those competitors to the corporate news network You know, the ones who used to be able to read just straight from the press release It just seems so much more efficient to get the news this way and not do love efficiency I've been meaning to ask you something right wing blonde What's that, sir? Where did you get that ridiculous accent? Well, you do know that corporate news network is headquartered in Atlanta, Georgia You wouldn't expect me to sound like Fran Drescher, would you? No, I suppose not By the way, speaking of accents I've been trying to figure out what kind of accent you have but if you don't mind me asking, I'd really like to know what it is It kind of sounds Yiddish, which is okay, mind you I mean, some of my best friends are Yiddish Well, this is the sort of accent you get when you are born in Connecticut but political considerations make it necessary for you to have to pretend that you're a Texas redneck your entire life You find out kind of mixed up I don't mind telling you Well, that makes sense Well, sir, I've heard rumors that you're going to be bringing back a man-man insane, is that true? That's right, he was a very useful ally and adversary for my father I feel that he can fulfill the same role for me, a properly persuaded Have you talked to him? Is he willing to come back on board? Well, I offered him the usual as a character to develop He took the count but refused to develop A very bright man said that I think that he was a brilliant idea I'm a part of Dad The Impaler and I'm very happy to see that you're following in your daddy's footsteps so well If there is one thing I learned from my father it's that you have to pick your designated adversary if they're greatest on town I hate to tell you this right now, sir but we're about 30 seconds from airtime and so I want to be able to repeat I mean, report the news Let's just get that camera rolling Are you ready for this, sir? Certainly, I'm going right ahead Good evening This is Rotwing Blonde reporting to you from the evil office We are really concerned about the tragic happenings that have been going on and that there are malibus up north in Minnesota and so we have come to the evil office to talk to our esteemed leader to get his reaction to what has happened at the mall Good evening Look deeply into my eyes deeply deeply Now repeat after me Sandman Insane is evil W Q-La is good I will go back to the mall and spend like a good zombie should Sandman Insane is evil W Q-La is good I will go back to the mall and spend like a good zombie should Sandman Insane is evil W Q-La is good I will go back to the mall and spend like a good zombie should Well there you have it the esteemed words of our gracious leader This is Rotwing Blonde reporting to you from the evil office for a corporate news network Even though Count W Q-La esteemed his own powers he failed to cure the mysterious and terrible disease Other palaces were beginning to be infected with the mysterious and terrible disease and spending was at an all-time low The villagers were beginning to doubt the powers of the great lords and even beheaded Lord Worldcom and Lord Enron The nobility of the land were afraid and there was chaos in the social order of things Count W Q-La decided to hold a meeting of the secret society called Compulsive Consumption Council Or the CCC for short This is a bureaucratic government after all The CCC always met deep in the dark dungeon below 1600 Transylvania Avenue I mean Blonde, why is it that you'll never blink your eyes? It is most distressing Oh Wrenfield, honey child, that's nothing I've just had so much plastic surgery that my eyes are kinda stuck open It's not a big deal Of course, it does freak my husband out a little bit Apparently, I sleep with my eyes open all the time It is very frightening It is almost as bad as the master's cold, evil soul is there Yes, I've always thought about him There that you find an electric lock and a door that obviously hasn't been oiled since medieval times I called this emergency meeting to order The evil proceed with the roll call Frank and Chaining Wrensfeld Yes, master Right wing Blonde Right here, y'all The wicked witch of the rice and the great and glorious Greenspan I'm Wrensfeld Wait a minute, the visit of ours isn't a garter horror story What is this all about? I'm a witch! Alright, I guess that's cool enough Arthur Android Working I thought you were executed by the state of Texas You cannot kill me I am a robot Sound about insane Yeah, you know, uh, yeah, you know Headless Jeb Right here And joining us by telecomference Daddy Impaler and Mummy I'm here, and so is Mummy Master, master Those are your parents? Yes, Daddy was a spook and Mummy was very well preserved Why, because she was a mummy? No, that's just what everybody says about her Oh, look, here comes Barbara Isn't she well preserved? It's just something people say Now to business Does anyone have any ideas about why people are no longer spinning at the levels matching their corporate civic obligations? Because they've run out of money, master Eat me again, master Please don't eat me again Wrensfeld, you idiot I want you to be serious for a change I'm going to go around the table and ask everyone what they think Headless Jeb Now that market research has been banned on animals We can conduct an awful radiance I'll say too that the people of my state are offered as subjects for any inhumane marketing experiment you all here to conduct That's very considerate, Headless Jeb But unfortunately, the people of your state have been through so many experiments already that they are no longer naive They're just dumb Sandman insane Yeah, you know, I've done a lot of things for you guys, and I kind of feel you're not giving me the proper respect over here I stepped in when this guy had been lauded and died I agreed to be the designated opposition for you guys, for a fee Yes, and if I don't have been lauded and was dying I would have paid for his Dionysus so that we could keep him alive so that we could kill him Yeah, well that's good business but I took all these weapons that you gave me to kill my own people and I did it like any respectable business and what I have and you guys just give me help for it What? What? I don't know what else I can do for you guys I know Sandman insane you've been very useful to us first to my father and now to me but unfortunately, the people in the old country are no longer afraid of you You know, you really shouldn't be referring to us as the old country though I'm speaking of my own people I'm afraid that you are no longer sufficient we need something else to inspire the proper respect within them the vic and vic of the rice What did you call me? A vic, a vic That's what you are, you just said so Oh, that's fine I thought you said something else at first I have an idea that I think will work In pop culture I have created I'm sure that such a task will be very within your powers both your magical powers and the virtually unfettered powers you have as the moral security advisor but the possibility exists that my daughters would force me to listen to this new creature's music at some point and that would be intolerable For that reason, I'm afraid we must abandon your suggestion Right wing blonde Well, I don't have a lot of ideas of my own I just don't think very often, you know but being a member of the corporate media while I'm an empty vessel for the rhetorical fruits of the minds of others That's all we expect from you, right wing blonde That's just peachy, a little Georgia humor there Thank you sir Arthur Android It is in my programming to acquire power I want power I seek power Power Hydroelectric power Privatize Privatize I recommend we privatize Being there, don't that That would be an excellent suggestion, Arthur Android If we had not already done exactly that The mall is itself a privatization of the town square It is a privatization of the very concept of public space I'm afraid we're going to need something we haven't already done The great and glorious Greenspan I have an excellent idea We'll give us a gold Someone to sacrifice To take the blame For all of society's ills Real or imagined I think that is an excellent idea I know exactly who we can sacrifice We need someone to serve as the scapegoat For corporate corruption Who is not in fact part of the financial power elite I think we should sacrifice Martha Stewart I like it, I like it Not only is she outside the Old Boy network It would be a virgin sacrifice as well And thus we would kill two birds with one stone I like to kill efficiently I guess it's the MBA in me But master, Martha Stewart isn't a virgin No Rinsteld, but she plays well on TV Oh, and that's a good thing It was a special Halloween episode after a radio play for you That we hope you find entertaining Stay tuned now to hear the conclusion of a really scary story Martha Stewart was sacrificed as planned She decorated herself with soil, sticks and pebbles She found in the prison yard And she learned to have dinner parties On the 37 cents a day slave wage She made from working as a telemarketer For America on hold time waster But even with all of Martha's sacrifices The villagers were still infected With the mysterious and terrible disease Days passed, and more villagers saved their money wisely Sustainable growth became a concern for many Some people were quitting their jobs in order to enjoy life The mysterious and terrible disease began to infect their children With sales of anatomically incorrect supermodel dolls And child targeted fast food packages Including non-toxic plastic toys and toxic junk foods Hitting an all time low Count W. Kula sank into a severe depression His achievement of rising from his humble beginnings As the son of the most powerful man in the world To the status of internationally known buffoon No longer served as comfort to him These were dark days at 1600 Transylvania Avenue Desperate to regain control over the villagers Count W. Kula began contemplating the unthinkable While gathering his thoughts in the evil office He contemplated calling on the meanest man in the- Rensfeld, where are you? I'm standing right next to you, master I'm sorry, Rensfeld, it is time for desperate measures Famous contact, the atonement general Head of the physical justice department Do you mean? Yes, the marquis de witchcraft There is fear in your eyes Can it be that you fear this man because he believes That no one is above the law, not even the president? I fear him because he tortures for enjoyment Not merely to improve his financial situation I find it, nevertheless, I must wood aside my personal feelings And use this man He is the only one who can produce the results we need I feel it in my heart Oh, master, what you feel is the stake your opponent Drove through your heart after you stole the election But I had the last laugh, Rensfeld Because in both cases, there was no dawn after once Now you must leave me, Rensfeld I am about to use the secret passage to his torture chamber So I may converse with him in his own territory Yes, master, yes, master Good day, Rensfeld Oh, don't be silly, wkla It's not implied at all for you to interrupt After all, you made me what I am today I know, stop reminding me So what brings you to my sanctum sanctum, older boy? You are a master of the black arts A world without full ability to give and receive paid in abundance Our sacrifice has failed I want to know where you think we should go from here Hmm, I have been considering this very problem in my spare time Sort of for the amusement of any of us But it is gratifying that you would come to me I suggest a legislative measure So far reaching that anyone can be imprisoned For any reason under its precepts Good, I like the way you think We shall call it the Patriot Phenotype Act Anyone who looks as if he might commit a crime In the future is to be punished To the fullest extent and pleasure Of the law enforcement authorities Good, good I think of this idea Our power will grow beyond imagination That's precisely the idea, old boy We will have unlimited power We can redefine the phenotype as we wish Anyone who doesn't spend Up to the level dictated by his corporate civil obligations Will be redefined as first factor Was having the wrong phenotype And punished Light being gone, how did you get here? You left the secret door open I just followed the stairs It is good that you have come here in any event The Marquis and I have just developed A new legislative measure that will give us limitless power You will announce it on the air As if it had already been ratified People will forget whether it has been passed into law Or merely suggested And they will begin conforming to its measures Out of a sense of fear And then we can start torturing as soon as possible I've heard your patriot phenotype act As I was coming in the door And I have to tell you that I have a question or two I want to know how you can reconcile this act With human rights No, don't use that expression around me It is intensely painful Don't be silly, old boy, let her talk Vaat, don't you find this to be painful? Exquisitely You're really enjoying this, aren't you? Quite What has happened to you? You are no longer a submissive corporate journalist My eyes are open now And I asked you a question so that I'd like to have the answer to I want to know about human rights You have contracted the disease Stay away from me Don't breathe on me Human rights Stop that, stop that Shut up, I know why you're laughing I know why he's laughing He has an ideological preoccupation With causing and receiving pain Naturally, my dear Did you not realize that one must attend law school In order to become the torturer general? I know how to handle someone like you You want me to stay here and cause you pain? So I will just leave Goodbye My god, this could be the most destructive creature Ever unleashed on this society She could be worse than any Gothic monsters I've ever known This is our first nightmare We could suffer untold humiliations At the hands of a responsible news agency Only if our luck holds out, old bean W. Kula and the Marquis Gave up on the Patriot Phenotype Act When they realized that in order for it to work The way they wanted, it would have to be vague Beyond the bounds of language itself Afterwards, they continued to torture each other Not so much as a means to the end Of experiencing overlapping pain and pleasure As to stay in practice They were rarely seen outside the Marquis chamber again Though they did beg Rightwing Blonde To join them from time to time She refused Rightwing Blonde did begin questioning All the nobility every night on the news And through her efforts, the corporate news network Became the citizens news network The palace of consumption was transformed Into a community center The roller coaster and waterslide remained But many of the stores that sold Pretty but insubstantial stuff Became meeting places where villagers got to know each other And learned about the world around them The wedding chapel became a place For community groups to celebrate together The Mall College began to teach art And philosophy As well as word processing and accounting No cure was found for the mysterious and terrible disease Because the mysterious and terrible disease Wasn't pathological at all A basic paradigm shift had occurred That had broken the zombie spell Soon, even the word zombie was abandoned As an anachronism And former zombies were instead referred to The un-undead You might think this is the happy ending To this school Nature of paradigm shifts being what it is Fact and argument can be made But the story never will be Really good news is That the Minnesotans were free to go back To their pre-purchasing Propriary predilections Holly, have you found the driveway yet? Hold on, Lena, I'm still looking Don't work too hard out there, don't you know? You're gonna pull a genie It's okay then Your source Fursuiting sounds of sociological sugesiousness The police state is using It's phallocentric organ The corporate media To control ordinary people Like you and me You have been listening to First Person Plural on CFUV 101.9 FM In Victoria, British Columbia Simulcast it on 104.3 cable And cfuv.uvic.ca First Person Plural is produced weekly By Dr. Patty Thomas and Carl Wilkerson Music for First Person Plural is composed Performed and produced by Carl Wilkerson For more information about First Person Plural And Dr. Patty Thomas and Carl Wilkerson Visit our website CulturalConstructionCompany.com