 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, The 11 Factors Determining A Man's Love Commitment Style. We're gonna talk about love commitment style. Does anyone remember the TV show Love? What was that, Love American Style? Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button and hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please do my favorite and hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Lastly, my coaching is called Heart-Centered Radical Honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. Occasionally, I use expletives to enhance the sentence, which means I might drop an F bomb every now and again. If that is not your cup of tea, I highly recommend logging off right now. Lastly, these are just my perceptions. I am not here to say, I'm not here to say this is the truth by any stretch of the means. These are just my perceptions and opinions about dating, mating, or relating. Take it for what it's worth. I am not here to say this is the truth. However, I think you'll find the truth for yourself in each video. All right, let's jump into those 11 factors that make up a man's love commitment style. All right, really quickly, I'm sure if you follow other dating coaches, most dating coaches actually pit men and women against one another. Let me repeat that. They actually pit men and women against one another, especially using the narrative centered around three basic principles related to the instinct of a human being, the biology of a human being, and the socialization of a human being. Let me repeat that, the instinct, biology, and the socialization of a human being. Now, what I mean by pitting one another, it's really hyper-focused on making men and women different from one another to try to help the sexes, if you will, understand one another. And I'm guilty of this as well. What's my website called? Understand Men Now. Why is it? I'm gonna tell you. It's because most women are fascinated about men when it comes to trying to understand men. Women will spend hours upon hours upon hours trying to figure out men, whereas men, in general speaking, generally speaking, and everything here is generalized, is men will tend to hyper-focus on how to meet women. Men are more concerned about how to meet women. Women are concerned with everything a man does. And I believe this is partially, now, is because women oftentimes give their power away to a man. I'm gonna repeat that. Women oftentimes give their power away to a man. And I say this observationally speaking, because as a dating and relationship coach for women, I frequently witness women continually giving their power away to another human being, and then they operate from victim consciousness, and that just progressively projects a negative attitude about men and women in relationships, and it progressively makes things work. So you're probably going, Jonathan, what does this have to do with 11 factors determining a man's love commitment style? Well, I just wanna say that, believe it or not, men and women are more alike than you think beyond instinct, biology, and socialization. So let's spend a few minutes talking about this, because this is the narrative that most coaches focus on are these three factors, and not the other eight factors that I'm about to share with you today. So the first is instinct, basically the notion that men are hunters, men are providers, men are protectors, women are nurturers. That's the primary differentiating between men and women, is that men are hunters, they're provider, they're protectors, and women are nurturers. Okay, and from an evolutionary standpoint, that may be true. However, from a dating, mating, and relating standpoint, are men actually hunting a relationship? Do men walk around going, I want a relationship, I want a relationship, is that what they're hunting, or is they're hunting, because it's not hunting buffalo, that's where the hunter comes from, is the idea that men love the hunt. Sure, we love the chase for sex, maybe, I mean, we love the hunt for sex. In other words, the conquest of sex, sure, men like that, but that's not what drives them from the relationship standpoint. So to put those two together, in my opinion, isn't very valid, because there's this narrative that you're being told by so many, especially women coaches teaching women, men love the hunt, men love the chase, men love to pursue, so just let them pursue you, let them hunt you, let them chase you. Yeah, well, how well does that really work? And I understand, well, and to equate that to men love the hunt for a relationship isn't true. Yes, it's true, men are on the hunt for sex. And women are nurturers and all that kind of stuff. So that's the instinct piece. Now let's talk about the biology piece. The pheromones, the hormones, you know, oxytocin, testosterone, pheromones and such. Yeah, you've been told a lot about that. And when a man's testosterone is down, he needs to go in his cave and you should just let the guy go in a cave because his testosterone levels are low and your estrogen levels are high mean you're needy. All right, that might play a little part in our love commitment style. What about socialization? How little boys are socialized to stuff their feelings, to use violence to demonstrate being a man? You know, that's how little boys were taught of the baby boom generation and such, okay? And little girls were objectified. I mean, the sad piece is think of the absolute objectification of women through magazines, through print arts, through all these things that objectify women solely to making their worth based on their body and men's worth is based on their physical prowess out in the world and that's how we're socialized. And then if we're so socialized this way, we communicate different with one another. And this is the narrative you're being told from a dating, mating or relating perspective and that's all you need to know that men and women are different, that men are from Mars, women are from Venus and if you just understand this, that your relationship is just gonna magically work out. Well, the book, Men Are From Mars does have some great content relating to communication skills. Certainly if you follow my channel, we go a lot deeper than what's covered in that book. So now we're gonna cover those eight other, excuse me, eight other factors that are hugely important for understanding a man's love commitment style. And this is the time Jonathan's gonna have to put on his glasses. And as you can see, I wrote them out, the 11 factors making determining a man's love commitment style. So the fourth factor that you must be aware of, because now what I'm about to say has nothing to do with gender. Let me repeat that, what? The next eight things I'm gonna talk about have nothing to do with gender. So for example, imprinting as a child. What happened to a child from birth till age 12 with respects to his love attachment style? If you're not familiar with the book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the book Attached, I highly recommend reading love attachment style for understanding love attachment style because how we attach to another human being is actually predicated on what happened in our imprinting as a child. What happened is our imprinting in our childhood. And this includes unresolved childhood wounds and traumas. Unresolved child, if a boy or girl, again, this isn't gender related, had a traumatic upbringing, it can dramatically affect how they choose a partner in adulthood. And this is not to mention the Amago. And if you're not familiar with the book of Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, I highly recommend reading this book. Have you ever noticed that you tend to choose partners similar to one or both of your parents? This is because we oftentimes gravitate towards partners that are very similar to what happened in our childhood and we're trying to relive our childhood to heal within our parents. So I oftentimes choose women like my mother and women oftentimes choose people like their father. And if we didn't get the love we wanted from one or both of our parents, we're choosing partners to relive that. And this is oftentimes what's really going on that has nothing to do with gender, okay? This has nothing to do with the caveman. This has nothing to do with pheromones. And this has nothing to do with socialization except to say how you were raised as a child makes a big difference to how you operate as an adult. And then we have to take into consideration the age of a person. Folks, do you realize that most dating advice books are based on 20 and 30 year old, especially in the narrative around pheromones and hormones? Because as people age for our demographic, for those of us in midlife, which I say is after baby making years and before retirement, you can't apply dating advice you here for 20 and 30 year olds in the same way you can apply it to a 40, 50 and 60 year old. So this is one in our age, which ties into what I'm about to share next plays a huge role in how we choose people. Because as people age, believe it or not, if they've gone through because what's next is life experience. And by the way, I'm not relating this to gender now because the age of a 45 year old woman or a 45 year old man is a lot different, you know, how they approach relationships then when they're in their 20s, maybe seeking to raise a family, to make babies and raise a family. And so next is life experience. And for those of us in midlife, did you know 75%, this is anecdotal speaking, anecdotal, is that 75% of singles over 45 years old are divorced. And God forbid you had a traumatic divorce. If you had, by the way, listen, I'm gonna say this a little bit arrogantly, but what I think makes me different than a lot of dating coaches out there is I've been through alimony, child support, dissertation rights, family court, custody issues, just to name a few. You know, if you're in midlife, this is the demographic that we're dealing with and depending on how, and I had a contentious divorce in the beginning of it. And if you have a contentious divorce or a negative X, this is gonna hugely affect how you choose a partner in the future. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? And God forbid there's job loss. I mean, think about, we had the market crash of 2008, which wiped out $6 trillion of wealth for the, I mean, tons of wealth was lost for the average person, not the rich people. They didn't lose any wealth. They just have found a different way to make it up. And job loss, and then we just had the pandemic and such, but then there's life experiences. We have children. We basically have, we even have our baggage that comes into the play at midlife. So can you see how the dating narrative of, you know, a caveman, you know, millions of years of men being provider and protectors and women are nurturers. And then the pheromones and the chemicals of testosterone and estrogen and the socialization doesn't even compare to how fucked up human beings are as they get older. Let me repeat that, how fucked up they are as they get older. And then let's add into the equation culture or religion. Culture or religion. Do you realize that culturally people, Middle Eastern people are different than Asian people than they are Hispanic people or those of the African American cultures. And this doesn't include so Jewish culture or people who are Christian or Muslims or atheists or spiritual, but not religious, which is me. What I'm saying is our culture, well, that's culture and religion make up a huge part of how we determine relationship. And the more devout someone is, they might be more restrictive in the way they approach relationship versus those that are cavalier in this sense. So you can see how this is starting to play a bigger role than just instinct, gender and socialization because men and women for the most part are dealing with this soup of chaos internally in their life. And then let's add socio-economical, whether someone is rich, someone is poor, someone is average income. I mean, think about it, here in the United States, 80% of the population makes less than $100,000 a year. The vast majority of the population doesn't have three months of savings in the bank account to cover them during a rainy day. It almost takes two incomes, two incomes to make a relationship work for those of us in midlife. And yet this whole thing, men are supposed to be the protectors and providers and that's all you need to know to make your relationship work because that's the magic formula. And all you do is sit back in your feminine energy. Just sit back in your feminine energy and the guy's gonna drive the bus because he's the provider protector. Are you crazy? Is everybody missing these other factors? I'm yelling. I'm yelling. I'm yelling because this is like me trying to tell a child not to touch fire. I'm trying to shake people up to understanding the deep, to get an awareness around the deeper understanding of relationship. And number nine, centers around physical attractiveness and health. And sadly, most folks in midlife, let themselves go. In fact, physical appearance, health, fitness, attractiveness plays a huge role in what's so funny about humans. This cracks me up. Do you know the average human considers them on a one scale from one to 10 as a seven or seven and a half. That's the average human pictures themselves as a seven or seven and a half. And yet if you take that person that says that they're seven and a half, eight or nine and put them in a room of the opposite sex and they evaluate it, oftentimes those people think that they're a seven and eight get ranked as a two, three, four or five by their opposite sex and it goes both ways, right? So this is the arrogance of human beings that they act and I'm saying this not with disrespect. I'm saying this is that we oftentimes overvalue our attractiveness and attractiveness is a big part of the process. The less healthy you are, the less desirable you are to be mated with someone. And the reality is as most people at midlife let themselves go. I hear this complaint from women all the time about how they see men who let themselves go. And then we have to add number 10, emotional intellect, emotional intellect because intellect, whether it's, I was originally gonna make this strictly intellect because I do believe someone who's incredibly intelligent is probably a lot different someone who's struggling in intelligence but I'm gonna lean in today to emotional intelligence, your ability to comprehend communication, your ability to understand context in communication as well as your communication skills and this includes the desire for partnership. Let me repeat that the desire for partnership here's the thing folks. This thing is about love commitment style. Emotional intellect gives you a clue on whether or not someone desires partnership or something casual. Let me repeat that partnership or something casual. So someone's emotional intellect is gonna play a huge role because those that have a higher emotional intellect are gonna be more transparent in the process, meaning if it's material to the relationship they'll share it with their partner versus those that have low IQ. And then last name, number 11, people who are introspective, introspective. I'm talking about people that look inward to themselves as a victor in their life versus a victim in their life. Sadly, most human beings are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness, suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me to feel good about myself and they're not looking inward, inward from a capacity of self-love. And this is why I wrote my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? There's a link below to get a copy of my book. Also there's a link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. If you're interested in coaching with me, check out my application for coaching with a free discovery call. So just to repeat it, instinct, biology, socialization, those are three that are gender-based, the things that are not gender-based, imprinting the age of a person, the life experience of the person, the cultural religion of the person, which includes their values and how they were raised, socio-economical, are they poor, rich, or average, which most people are average, the physical health and appearance of a person, the emotional intellect and their introspective work, meaning do they do personal development? Is this boring you, Michael? All right, I think you get a sense of the 11 factors that make up a man's love commitment style and this is basically what's in the stew for people to choose one another. And my hope is you have a greater understanding than the whole narrative that men are from Mars and women from Venus because the reality is is most humans, men and women are like, are actually more alike than you think because of imprinting, because of their life experience, because of their age, because of their culture, because of their physical appearance and everything. Men and women, my recommendation is to stop the divide between the genders and find the commonalities between genders. This is why I highly recommend reading the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this is a great book to understand it from a spiritual perspective and not the narrative you're being sold by so many of the other coaches that are focused on the caveman biology and socialization. Ah, well, thank you for allowing me to share. I hope you had value in this. We're gonna take questions in a moment, but before we take questions, I have a couple of things to share with you all. Everybody's been asking me about the ring I wear. By the way, this is my right hand, folks. This is my right hand. I wear this ring on this finger on my right hand. It's not my left hand. Based on a book a friend of mine wrote, Barbara Berg wrote the book Ring Shui, Ring Shui, and it says how to attract relationships you want through the placement of your rings. And so I wear this on my right hand, folks, not my left hand. And it's my design is to attract my soulmate through that. All right, we're gonna take questions. By the way, if you're familiar with my format, and by the way, I'm gonna pose a question first, but my format typically is if you have a question, write the word question in bold letters then post your question after that or purchase a super sticker and super chat if you'd like to ask a question. But before we start, I have a question for you folks. Is nurturing, is nurturing a masculine or feminine energy? Let me repeat that. Is nurturing a masculine or feminine energy for those that are on the live chat? Please post in the comment. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Is nurturing a masculine or feminine energy? And I will address that after we take a question. So let's see if there are any questions in the group. Is nurturing masculine or feminine energy? I'd love to hear your take on that. Okay, random thoughts, right? Is this live? Oh my God, I'm having a long distance thing. When are we together? We act like a couple. He does everything right. When we're not together, he's closed off emotionally. I'm sorry to hear that random thoughts and yes, this is live. Since you didn't have a question, I'm just reciting what you posted. All right. Let's see if anyone's responded to my, okay. Noris, can't nurturing be a human quality? Ooh, very interesting. So again, the question is, is nurturing a masculine or feminine energy? Is it a masculine or feminine energy? Maria says it's a feminine energy. Kimberly says it's a feminine energy. Nora says it's both. Michael says LOL. Gloria says it's both. So, masculine, okay. Okay. Is nurturing a, let's see. Let's see, I'm posting this here, folks. Feminine energy. All right, I'm posting it here for you all. So this is my question. All right. Oops. Is nurturing feminine energy? Oh, I'm so glad you asked, folks. This is for a clip I'm gonna do later. So is nurturing feminine energy. Really quickly, here's the thing about masculine and feminine energy I wanted to lean into today. So let's just think about these words. We have man or woman. We have femininity. We have masculinity. We have masculine energy and feminine energy. And the reason why the narratives around masculine and feminine energy are thrown about is because it could be within, it doesn't matter whether or not it's in a man or a woman, okay? Let me repeat, that doesn't matter whether or not it's inside a man or woman. And many people, especially in the dating coaching realm, highly recommend women get out of their masculine energy and their feminine energy when they're dating a man, which basically means masculine means doing and feminine means receiving. Let me repeat that. Masculine means doing and feminine means receiving, okay? So the question is nurturing feminine energy. Now, typically when we think of nurturing, we think of a mother taking care of her children, okay? A mother taking care of her children. So we consider that a feminine thing because it tends to be mothers doing it with their children. But a woman can be taking care of her husband because he's sick and be very nurturing. So we often think of this as feminine to be nurturing. But it's not feminine to be nurturing because we know plenty of men who are very nurturing with their children. They're very nurturing when their spouse isn't feeling well. So I wanna differentiate that it's not feminine energy when a person is in a nurturing role, okay? It's actually masculine energy because you're actually doing something. The children are sick. They're not doing anything, okay? When they're sick, the mother goes to the store and buys the cough drops and all the medicine that they need and they comfort the person or maybe your spouse feels this way. It doesn't matter if it's a man or woman, but from an energy perspective, since it's a doing, it's actually a masculine energy. Now, why am I bringing this up? It's because folks, here's the narrative on this whole feminine energy business that I always joke about is that 90% of the time we were always in our masculine energy, men or women are like, we're always in our doing. It's very rare that we're in our receiving. I think probably when we're sleeping, we're doing nothing. Okay, but throughout our day, like right now, I'm doing something, we call that masculine energy. If someone asks me a question, I'm in receiving. I'm listening energy, that's feminine energy if we're gonna call it by energy. Truthfully, I think the only pure form of masculine and feminine energy is oral sex. That's the one time that you sit back and receive, fully receive, but the reality is is most humans are even bad at receiving. This is why a healthy relationship is made up of two givers and two receivers. Believe it or not, this whole masculine, feminine narrative that you keep getting sold on over and over again, ladies, 90% of the time you're always in your doing anyway, and men are always in their doing. Most people are bad at receiving. We should all be more working on how to be better receivers of love instead of hyper-focused on men are the givers and women are their take, and I said takers. Did you see that little Freudian slip? Because that's what it feels like when someone's giving and the other person isn't doing anything. By the way, if you think about a healthy relationship, giving or receiving should be like a ping pong game. So anyway, that's my thoughts on that is nurturing feminine energy. I hope you get some perspective on the whole masculine and feminine energy based on what I just shared. All right, we have a question, which from a super sticker we just got, Marcia writes, question, Jonathan, after all you went through with your ex, were you able to build a friendship? After all you went through with your ex, were you able to build a friendship? Great question. So since that's personal, to the extent that we had a contentious divorce, quite frankly, I was a jerk and asshole for a big chunk of that time. Now part of that was I lost my quarter million dollar a year job, I was suffering financially, the market crash of 2008 hit, I was a train wreck, I was doing drugs and alcohol, so I wasn't in a great shape back then. And we had our contention, we had our differences of opinion. I will say that it took actually probably 10 years before I helped heal that and it was actually through my relationship with my previous girlfriend who happened to be a therapist who kept encouraging me to rebuild the relationship with my ex and slowly but surely I did. And then sadly when we lost Connor and for those who don't know this, I lost, that's a picture of him right there, I lost my 19 year old son to an accident a few years ago. And since then we've had a very, I think a very heart centered relationship with one another where we actually treat each other like family at this point. So let me repeat that my ex and I treat each other like family, not as friends but as family. And that's where you want actually if you had a long-term marriage with children, ideally if you can find that place of love between you where you can operate as a family with one another, that's a better way to approach it than the contentious way that most people do. Is that help? I hope that answers your question. Thank you so much. Epic mom, thank you for the super sticker. I appreciate that. All right, we have some more questions here. Zinnib, I have no clue how to say your name. So question, tell me advice and tips about a relationship between a single, never married woman 37 and divorced two kids man. Okay, great question. So here's the thing. Somebody who's raising children depending on what type of father they are could play a factor in the relationship. Now some men are looking to replace their spouse for their children. So that could be one factor to consider. Some other factors consider is how often he spends time with his children. Does he have boys? Does he have girls? I got the sense that they're young in age, right? Two kids are most likely young at age. Some of the factors to consider is he does he have a contentious relationship with his ex? How's his financial position in his life? Remember the socioeconomic I talked about that plays a role in all of this. What was his childhood like? Did he have adult traumas? Did he have wounds? Did he have a wound from his past relationship that's affecting him currently today? All the factors I said here today that make up the man's love commitment style play a huge role. However, based on what you shared that sounds like a good fit, 37, 43. You don't have children. If you two care about each other, I would explore a relationship. I would learn how to ask the right questions. I will tell you that most women do not know how to ask the right questions in the dating realm. They don't know how to actually, most humans do a terrible job getting to know one another. We hyper focus on, by the way, for those that know my work on the relationship iceberg, here's the image I need to have this created. So everybody look at that. This is an iceberg. It's called the relationship iceberg. The water line above is attraction. This says chemistry. Below chemistry is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. That makes up the majority of the iceberg. And as you start checking off the boxes, the water line of attraction drops. So when you're with someone where you share the same values, your lifestyles are blendable and you have emotional maturity, you're more attracted to one another. And actually when that water line goes all the way down, what you might be left with is a mountain. And when you have a mountain of a relationship, when people say men move mountains for a relationship, well, it requires being attracted to each other on your shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity to have any chance of that mountain to happen. So great question. Thank you so much. I hope that helped. I wanna thank Rhonda Banks for her super sticker of $1.39. I appreciate that. All right, let's see. Sadie writes, or excuse me, Kimberly writes. Question, for my friend Jules who is here with me, her boyfriend just got out of a marriage and dated her 10 months. No marriage issues, but he broke up due to stress. How long should she wait to contact him? Thanks. Well, first I'd wanna know how did the two actually break up? How did they uncouple? How did he basically say he ended the relationship due to stress? So as far as if you wanna remain connected with one another, maybe you could be on each other's Facebook page. Maybe you can be on each other's Instagram page. I don't recommend that. But if you were in a 10 month relationship and someone is not capable of going deeper, chances are there's some, a lack of, well, going back to a lack of emotional maturity going on. And by the way, someone who just got out of a marriage, it usually takes two to three years at a minimum to even consider going the distance with someone else in the future. So I don't mean dating someone for two or three years. You gotta be single for two or three years. Then maybe date one or two. You have a couple of transition relationships and then you find someone. That's typically the case. Although co-dependent people attract them, attach themselves to people very quickly. So my suggestion is never to date someone who's just come out of a marriage. Even, I don't care even if they said they've lived separate lives and stuff like that. It takes time to individuate. And then typically people need one or two transition relationships. Sadly for your friend, my guess is you're a transition relationship in that case. And I wouldn't, it doesn't matter when you contact them. I mean, and why are you gonna contact them? I guess the question is why? Do you wanna say hi? Then send a hi. Say, hey, just thinking of you. No response required. I'll repeat that. You could say, hey, thinking about you, no response required. You could do that. That's a suggestion anyway. All right. Live, love, rock on great musicians. Sad that many men I've dated don't ask the right questions or don't know what they really want and accept perhaps for filling in their own void to feeling lonely. Yes, men and women alike. Men and women alike are lonely. Men and women alike are filling voids. Men and women alike don't know how to ask the right questions to get to know a human being. This isn't singular to men, ladies. You have to take ownership. Women are just as bad at this process as men. By the way, I'm a single man out there dating. I can tell you most women are terrible at asking questions to get to know me. I'm doing all the question asking and then I actually get rather, I don't wanna use the word bored, quite frankly, most women don't stimulate me enough in the dating process. They're rather bland because they're sitting in their feminine energy waiting for me to claim them because that's what chivalrous men do. They claim feminine energy women and it works so fucking magically that everybody is so happy because they're sitting in their feminine energy being claimed by all these men. Ah, folks, 11 factors determining, determining man's love commitment style has nothing rare, instinct, gender and socialization is a small part. You gotta look at the big picture and not the little tiny picture that's being sold by so many books. And God forbid you read the book, The Rules. This fucked it up for some of you because this is game-playing manipulation, game-playing manipulation that only temporarily works to attract an asshole. Really, if you wanna read a better book, read the book by Barbara DeAngelis, Making Love All the Time, this is a great book. Read the book, Eight Dates by, folks, I gotta stop for a second. Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Here's the thing about this book. I'm just gonna keep holding it. Folks, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Drs. John and Julie Gottman studied what makes relationship fail? What makes relationships fail? What are the common causes of failed relationship? Then they reversed engineered it into a book to teach you how to choose better partners. If you don't understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, what is your chance of having a relationship success? And by the way, you women just like men are running around with your, you're winging it. All of you are winging it. You're just winging it, like little wings. And that's why you fall to the ground because you don't even spread your, oops. Whoa, boy, big pit stains there. I'm burning up because of the lights right there. I will not raise my hands now after seeing those armpit stains. All right, anyways, those are just my rough thoughts. I think you know where I was going. Thank you so much. Taylor says, oh, you're bang on, oh, you're bang on the roll, such BS. I've always got the guy by being proactive, exactly. Taylor says, keep sharing your books. I love reading these. Thank you so much. If you have a question, post the word question and then write the question thereafter so I can find it. Okay, Amy writes, question. I know you mentioned before the penis goes in the vagina, but when do we feel it's okay to have sex in a relationship? Oh, great question. So folks, listen, I tell most women read this book before the penis ever goes inside the vagina. And even better, if you can buy two copies and have the guy read the book with you before the penis goes inside the vagina. Here's my rule of thumb on sex. When is the right time to have sex? Okay, I have a little acronym for you. It's called CARES, C-A-R-E-S, CARES, C-A-R-E-S. Oh, shoot. Hey, hold on, everybody. I'll say CARES in a moment. I forgot my, I knew I was burning up. My coffee mug says, let that shit go. All right, CARES, C-A-R-E-S. The C stands for comfortable. Do not have sex until you feel comfortable. The A stands for be aware, aware of the consequences. If you attach quickly to a man, when you have sex, then I highly recommend being aware of that because guess what? You can have sex once and never see a person ever again. And that could even mean if you dated for three months and finally had sex. The R stands for learn his real intentions. Start asking men better questions in the beginning. Not, what are you looking for in a relationship? But what does commitment look like for you? Are you seeking a life partner? Or are you just seeking something casual? Learn his real intentions. The E stands for exclusivity. And what I mean to say is, I'm a Puritan. Sex should be monogamous and reserved for people that are exploring a relationship together and they're exclusively exploring a relationship together. And lastly, the S stands for safety. Whether it's getting an STD test or wearing a condom, be safe, C-A-R-S. When do you have sex? I don't care if you have sex on the first date, the 10th date or wait till marriage. There is no guaranteed of relationship success as to when it happens. I've known couples had sex on the first date and they're still married after 30 years. And I know people that waited till marriage and they got divorced three months later. Cares, C-A-R-E-S. Did that help? I hope so. Thank you, Amy. Valerie says, calm down, Jonathan. Okay. Sherry says, great topic. Thank you. Mystic with lipstick said, I missed the beginning. Could you run through the list for me? Really quickly, I will run through the list. The list is instinct, biology, socialization, imprinting, age of the person, life experience, culture and religion, socio and economical, physical, health and appearance, emotional intellect and lastly, people who do introspective work. All right. Kathy says, that is so funny. Thanks for giving and taking. You're very welcome. All right. If you have a question. Jenny says, I love the clips on pets. Texted with a guy online who said he only wants a certain dog and a woman has to agree with him. My way. No wonder why this man is 51 and never married. Okay, cute. Thank you. If you have a question, post the word question in capital letters, then write the question thereafter. So it's easier for me to find it. Mystic with lipstick says, you put your vagina on lockdown, clink, clink, at least long enough to get to know him. Each person to their own. All right. Musician says, Jonathan, I'm still on my own 12 years, but not because I'm okay being alone. It's sharing and caring a beautiful connection. Congratulations to you. All right. If you have a question, post the word question. Oh, here's a question from Marion. Question, how do I get a guy I'm dating to open up about his feelings? Great question. Folks, if you wanna get a guy to open up his feelings, you're gonna have to start leading by example, leading by example, leading by example, leading by example. Now, most of you do a terrible job at leading by example. This is why I highly recommend getting the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Folks, remember I said earlier how a lot of socialization teaches, you know, breaks the, basically the gender differences make men and women out to be different. Folks, human beings are terrible at communicating their feelings. This is why I highly recommend reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This should have been titled Compassionate Communication. This is a great book to learn how to communicate with one another in a healthier, happier way. And when you learn how to communicate in a healthier, happier way, and you lead by example, that's the best way to get a guy to open up. I will tell you folks how I, how I was able to connect with my heart. It took a woman to help me connect with my heart and she led by example. I also recommend reading the book by Marianne Williamson Return to Love by Marianne Williamson Return to Love. Great book to learning how to connect with your heart. As well as I highly recommend reading the book The Four Agreements, The Four Agreements. This is a great book to learn how to be an integrity with one another. Because the only way you're ever gonna have a really solid, juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship folks, is if you begin to learn how to be healthy communicators. I'm watching a TV show these days called Couples Therapy on Showtime. These are actual couples therapy sessions, not reality TV in the drama sense. This is very, it's almost like a docu-drama. And I can tell you the women are just as equally bad at communicating their feelings to their partner as the men. Both men and women are terrible at it and women are always pointing the finger at men and men are always pointing the finger, or maybe I should do it the other way around. Everybody's pointing the finger at the other sex. We've got it, this is why I'm such, I get such, so riled up on the whole gender differences. Believe it or not, men and women are bad at this process. Well, Jonathan, why should I even bother if men and women are bad at this? Well, listen, yes, 80% of people listen at midlife, 80% of you aren't gonna ever have a healthy, happy relationship. Juicy, delicious relationship. That's a fact. It's just not gonna happen for most of you. If you wanna put yourself in the 20% category, then I would do a shitload of personal development work, spiritual work, to learn how to love yourself so much that it doesn't matter whether or not you're in a healthy, happy relationship. Esther Perrell, who wrote the book Mating and Captivity, Mating and Captivity. I highly recommend getting this book. She says, the most important relationship you're ever gonna have is the relationship with yourself. Ladies, you don't need a man to make you happy, but so many of you are so inclined to give your power away to a man. Here, I'm here to say to you, men are not the leaders of the relationship. Ladies, you are the emotional leaders of the relationship. It's gonna have to start from you because you're the ones buying these books, not men. So start teaching what you learn by leading by example. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please give me a thumbs up. Give me an amen. Share this with your friends. Thank you so much. You know what, I'm gonna save these last few minutes. Okay, I'm gonna take this question before I take this question really quickly. Now is the time to ask me any questions you like. It's my birthday coming up in Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. In four days, it's my birthday coming up. I'm gonna let you have free reign to ask questions unless it's an inappropriate question. From this point on for the next 15 minutes, this is you asking questions of me after I take this next question from Leah. Question, my ex-husband deeply loves me and wants to fix it, but I'm not attracted to him sexually. How much is sex worth in a relationship? My guess is you're no longer attracted to him sexually. Well, you know, I mean, you gotta ask that. By the way, I don't wanna be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't wanna have sex with me. So even if I love someone, I think sex, by the way, going back to Esther Perrell, she says one of the big challenges in relationship is erotic connection, erotic connection. And I'm here to, oops, sorry. I'm here to say that erotic connection makes up a big chunk of why relationships fail. So in my opinion, in my opinion, if you don't wanna have sex with your partner, choose a person you wanna have sex with. That's my, don't focus on what he wants. What do you want, Leah? What do you want? If you wanna be with your ex-husband, go be with your ex-husband. But if you wanna have sex with someone, then choose a partner you wanna have sex with. At least that's my opinion. All right, now it's time to take questions from you. Kimberly says, can I take you out to dinner for your birthday? Well, actually, I'm going to the Hollywood Bowl for my birthday. My best friend has the front box at the Hollywood Bowl, and that's where I'm going with my birthday, and I'm most likely gonna bring my son Colin with me as my date. All right. Patriot lady says, what physical attributes are you looking for a partner? Okay, physical attributes. So I've said this before, I typically am attracted to women. I'm six foot two, so I'm typically attracted to women. This is just what I'm attracted to. Women are about five, four to five, eights, is my average width. I mean, since the average, but I've dated women five foot tall and I've dated women five, 11, so that's a height kind of thing. Physically though, I'm attracted to more of an athletic build, someone who is actually physically active, exercise on a regular basis, someone who does yoga, someone who does Pilates, someone who runs. I'm typically attracted to more of an athletic build. I don't discriminate between hair color, blonde, brunette, redheads, even gray hair, I haven't discriminated. I think I tend to be more attracted to auburn hair. I've always had a thing for Stephanie Powers from heart to heart when I was growing up. So that's been kind of, I've always liked a little bit more auburn hair with green eyes. Although I had the biggest crush on Linda Carter, Wonder Woman, blonde hair, or excuse me, brunette with blue eyes. But I'm not married to that, that's hair color. And preferably someone who's physically attracted to me, that's what matters most to me is that we're attracted to each other. So thank you so much. Valerie says, how old are you? That says, I'm perpetually 49. I am from this moment on, I'm perpetually 49. Rebecca says, erotic connection is huge, exactly. Sadie says, personal question, Jonathan, do you speak Turkish? Biraz, which means a little bit. Question, what year were you born? Whatever year a 49-year-old is born at, because I'm gonna be perpetually 49. Lillian says, question, what is it about your relationship with your mom that you seek relationship that you try to fix? That part was broken with your mom. So as much as my mom was a loving human being, my mother had her deficiencies, like most people. And as a child, my mother was very emotionally unavailable. She would go emotionally distant. And as a little boy, I was always like, mom, love me, mom, love me, mom, love me. So I tended to choose women who were emotionally distant and emotionally unavailable to me. And so I would try to always get them to love me, love me, love me. In other words, I need you to love me so I could feel good about myself. It took writing this, look it, it took losing my 19-year-old son Connor and then writing my book, What the Heck Is Self Love? Any Way to Heal, that mother wound that had been in me for so very long. And then I think my mother passing away also probably contributed that as well. But thank you so much for that question, Lillian. Mystic with Lipstick says, ha, I'm a shorty, five foot two. I had the biggest crush on my friend, Terry Nunn, who's the lead singer of Berlin. She's a personal friend and she's five two and I have a big gigantic crush on her. All right, so let's see. Question, why is it an affair that a woman generally gets the blame for it as opposed to the man? Happy birthday for Winnett. By the way, I think men get blamed for affairs way more than women. So I don't know where that's questioned from, but I believe men get blamed for that way more than women. That's just my perception on it. Again, if you have a question for me, post a question. Trin, hence Trini setters, whatever. Question from Kim. So it's fair to assume, Jonathan, that you lacked emotional stability when you got married, hence the divorce. Oh my God, I was a child when I got married. Emotionally, I was a child. I was a child when I got married. Okay, when I got married, it was programming. I was told, my folks told me to go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. That was the programming. That was the blueprint that I was raised with. I'm a tail in baby boom generation. That was the narrative we were taught. So that's what I followed. I had no clue of who I was at that age. I had no clue about relationship and partnership. I had so, my emotional communication skills were weak at best at age 29 when I got married. It's no wonder we were a clusterfuck because she was no different. She had her issues. This is what happens when young people get married. And 29 years old is basically, 29 years old is basically an eight-year-old adult because I think adulthood starts at age 21, not 18 just because you can go to war. But at 21, your first year of being an adult, I was an eight-year-old adult when I got married, not a 29-year-old adult when I got married. And by the way, I think a man should be 18 years as an adult before he should get married and a woman should be 15 years as an adult before she get married. But that's just my opinion. That's just an opinion. All right. All right. Any more personal questions? Ms. M says, question, what are your thoughts about your ideal woman? What's she like in your dreams? Great question. So my ideal woman, since you've asked, she totally is into me. Number one, she's physically attracted to me. Number two, she's into personal development. Number three, she's emotionally mature. Number four, we share the same values. Number five, our lifestyles are blendable. Number six, she's into fun and spontaneity. She's into laughter and play. We laugh and play together. She's into rootedness, being in a rooted, fully committed relationship. I have it on a bulletin board. She's a giver. She's a giver. Okay? I'd like to think I'm a giver. She's a giver. What else do I have in my bulletin board? She's got depth, a level of intellect, a level of curiosity. The fact of the matter is most women don't stimulate me because they lack curiosity from my perspective. I like people with it. Here, let me read to you. By the way, I've shared this before. I'll share it again. I'm gonna go to my Instagram, okay? This is what I want, folks. It says, I hate small talk. This is what I want on a first date. I hate small talk. I wanna talk about Adam's death, alien sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, far away galaxies, music that make you feel different, memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite sense, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurities, your fears. I like people with depth who speak with an ocean from a twisted mind. I don't wanna know what's up. That's the woman I'm looking for, if you wanna know. Miss M, thank you so much for your question. Kimberly says, thank you for explaining about your mom. She explains what I'm looking for in a man because my dad was so tough on me. I'm also affection and crave affection from a man. We oftentimes choose people like our parents because we're trying to heal that. Kitty cat says, Jonathan, sorry, I meant the other woman. Why does she generally get blamed in the affair with married man? Well, that's bullshit. By the way, that's bullshit. Okay, so question. Why does the other woman get blamed? Well, first off, actually, I do wanna say one thing. If another woman knows a woman is married, she's doing her sister a disservice. How fucked up that is to know that a person's married, that they're fucking over some other woman. So yeah, she should get fucking blamed, just like the guy should get fucking blamed. Here's the thing about cheating. Most people cheat not because they are craving sex, per se, it's their craving genuine intimacy. Do my hair is popping up there? Where is that? They're craving intimacy. And the reality is, is there is no intimacy with their partner or very little intimacy. So they might have the stability of a relationship without intimacy. By the way, when you think about it, throughout history, infidelity was incredibly common. And certainly in the French culture, it was very common to have marriages and to have lovers. Certainly throughout history, it was very common to have a marriage and a lover at the same time. It's just here in the United States, we abhorred that, abhorred that or against it. But quite frankly, it's been very common throughout history. Because oftentimes one person can't fill all our needs. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying what is. That's all. Okay. I wanna thank Trendsetter for the super sticker. I wanna thank Mystic with Lipstick, Fine Taurus, Admiraturas, Virgo Pisces, or Libra Woman. I'm gonna go for it. I'm a Leo. By the way, if this content resonates with you, please purchase a super sticker in the chat box. If I'm making a difference in your life, please purchase a super sticker right now with super chat. Let me know I'm making a difference. Please contribute because the funds do go to a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those people that can't afford personal development work. That's what I do with the monies from the super sticker super chat. So please purchase one right now to show me that this is making a difference in your life. All right, let's see what other questions we have. So Jenny says, I know people in open marriages, your life, your choices. Yes. Trendsetter says or whatever it is. I don't even know how to pronounce it. Question, love everything about you, but what happens if the woman does not drink smoke who can make it work? I do like to, I am actually a wine, I do love doing wine tasting. I love going with my friends wine tasting. I'm not opposed to anyone who doesn't drink. It's just a passion I share. I also have a passion for doing ayahuasca and psilocybin and doing spiritual journey. So my partner is someone I want to do those things with me and if she's not able to do it with me, I may not be really interested. That's just my truth because these are things that I do in my life and I want a partner to share the things I do in my life. That's not a deal breaker, but I'm just saying I'm more gravitating to someone who's interested in the things I'm doing, just like I'd hope she'd want me to be interested in the things she's doing. So to answer your question, that's not an absolute, but that tends to be the way I look at things I do enjoy wine tasting and I do doing spiritual journeys using ayahuasca, psilocybin and any other medicine that allows me to go into a deeper level of consciousness that allows me to break through the egoic wall, if you will. Hey, that's my truth. Oh, plus I do cannabis on a regular basis. So, but it's animals, not, okay. I pronounced it perfectly, great. Kathy says, too bad I'm in Texas. I'm five, six, athletic, green eyes, fun, energetic. And I find you very handsome, thank you so much. By the way, folks, I've lately had some stalkers lately. Oh my God, I've been having some stalkers. I've had some weird shit happening. I've had women do some, I don't even want to tell you some of the weirdness that's coming out. While I'm sharing this with you, I am very grateful that my YouTube channel is making such a difference in people's lives. I'm so grateful that I'm getting a lot of attention from many of you. This might become my dating platform. Should I create a little box? How to schedule a date with Jonathan instead of a coaching session? By the way, there's a link to a discovery call for a coaching session with me. And all my other recommended things in the description as well as my book, What the Heck Is Self Love? Anyway, do you think I should create like a date when a date with Jonathan kind of contest or something like that? I say this tongue in chief, but I might do it. Who knows? But I am looking for someone who can share my life here in Southern California, preferably, where she might even be involved in my coaching practice where we're actually shooting videos together, talking about how our story and talking about how to really make a great relationship because of two people who have been through the trenches. You know, when I think of relationship coaches who have been married for 25 years that have no fucking clue about online dating and swipe dating and the cluster fuck that's out there in the dating realm, I think to myself, they're giving dating advice. Look folks, I'm in the trenches with you. It is fucked up out there. Let's get real, it's a mess out there. There's nothing easy about this. I come from a place of actual living experience and perspective and not just blowing smoke up your ass because I got married 20 years ago and I'm giving you advice based on a marriage that happened before the internet. Okay, I'm done being pontificating. All right, I'm gonna take one more question. Oh, trendsetter says you're hilarious. Kimberly says, yes, please, absolutely. Rebecca says, stalking is not okay, thank you. Kitty cat says, stalker's not good. I had one in 99. No, I have some weird shit going on folks. Jenny says, yes, created a dating box on YouTube. Kat, thank you so much, I appreciate that. Oh, and Kathy says, men could learn so much from you. I do have a lot of male followers, Kathy. And I really do appreciate that. So thank you so much. Folks, tonight I have a call to my membership group called Midlife Love Mastery. There's a link below if you'd like to join in the description. I have a call tonight about how to end a relationship gracefully through conscious uncoupling. If you'd like to have direct access to me on a regular basis for a nominal cost of $20 a month, as soon as this live stream's over, go to the description below which will outline, or it's actually description's already there. Sign up to my Midlife Love Mastery, join me tonight to have direct access to me on the phone tonight. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this live stream today with a big gratitude to you all. Thank you so much for being on live. I really appreciate it. Those are listening to the recording. I know that the live chat is not available right now, but I wanna thank everybody from bottom of my heart. I'm very happy. I was able to share a little bit of my personal life with you as well. I hope you found value in that. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jotha Merrick of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. And Mary Kay says, yes, create a contest. I will. Doug says, great idea. I'll start a dating channel. Okay, bye everyone.