 RCA Victor, world leader in radio first and recorded music and first in television presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Fey show Enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fey show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and Whitfield Walter Sharp and his music and yours truly, Bill Foreman The one thing that irks a woman is when her husband forgets an important occasion especially when there's a gift involved Most men simply admit that they forgot and say they're sorry But not Phil Harris he will admit to nothing he'd rather do it the hard way and but more about that later first a word from RCA Victor any Experienced meal maker will tell you the biggest problem is getting everything ready at once now at last RCA estate has solved that problem with a range that makes timing easy Because it has a separate cooking area for every cooking job your meat broils or barbecues in the barbecue or meat oven Your casserole's pies biscuits bake in a second big oven. Don't worry about crowding RCA estate gives you balanced heat in every corner Topside you have four big units plus the hideaway griddle This griddle drains off fats giving a distinctively different flavor to whole grilled meals Sounds wonderful. Yes, and your dealer can show you many other features of the 1953 RCA estate in either gas or electric The range that used by famous food authority Duncan Heinz And now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris Today is Mother's Day the one day in the year that is dedicated to mothers everywhere on this day loving children shower Their mothers with affection and gifts and as we look in on the Harris home Alice has just been presented with a gift Mother, how do you like the present? We brought you. Oh Alice. It's a lovely gift It's sweet of you and fellas to buy me this This it's an electric food warmer Well, it's very nice, but what made you think of buying me a food warmer? Well, we knew you needed it because daddy is always saying your cooking isn't so hot Your daddy is such a card you like it. Don't you mother? I love it honey, but it's awfully expensive Where did your girls get the money? Well, I heard the boys and daddy's fans say whenever they need money They go to a hawk shop. So Phyllis and I went to a hawk shop Well, what did you hawk? Phyllis Stop talking like your father and answer my question What did you hawk? Nothing mother the man felt sorry for us and let us have it for the money we had Well, that was sweet of him and Alice. I appreciate this gift and I was more I have a Mother's Day poem here that goes with it. Oh How thoughtful read it to me Uncle Elliot wrote it pair it up burn it up straight get it out of the house But it's real cute. I'll read it to you You are the finest one of all sturdy graceful and so tall your poison beauty are truly great You're the best-looking one at the starting date Starting with your head held high in your main afloat You hug the rail in a way you go We have the right to feel proud and haughty because you've never played less than 1440 Did Uncle Elliot make this up all by himself? No, he copied it off Seabiscous Memorial at Santa Anita He's a cute one he is mother did daddy give you a Mother's Day present yet. No, not yet, honey He's still upstairs getting dressed, but I can't wait to see what he got me He always gets me something expensive much is that doggy in the window the one with his foot on the rail How much could I buy that little cat? Oh Hi, good morning, honey. Oh, hello darling. So good to see you even though you are empty-handed. I Oh You're not empty-handed you have a bundle under your arm. Is it for me? Yes, it is dear. What is it darling my dirty laundry sweet? Don't you know what today is? It's a very important occasion. It's a day everybody celebrates It's the most important day of the year. It's the one day that Alice say no more Whoo-hoo to think that I almost forgot my own birthday I'm 32 today It's Mother's Day and you forgot. Oh, no, no, no, honey. I didn't forget. I just didn't you buy mother a present a present Oh, of course. I did I got her a Lovely present it it's a beautiful thing. I'd like to see it. Oh, so would I I mean? No, honey, I'll show it to you in due time. I feel I can't wait. Tell me what is it? Well, it's um It's See if you can guess is it a fur coat. Is it a diamond ring? Is it a ruby bracelet? Is it a new car? When this kid guesses she don't mess around I'll bet you got me that string of cultured pearls that I've always wanted. No, you still ain't hit I Better settle for that the galley gonna go no cheaper You guessed it there, it's the pearls Just what I wanted go get the pearls. What are they? Well, I left them in the well, I got them. Oh Heavenly days, I almost forgot the other present that I got for you. This will make you forget the pearls another present What is it darling my latest RCA Victor recording? What do you say to that get the pearls? Nevermind, I'm gonna play it for you right now and you're gonna love it. Listen You get a line and I'll get a pole, honey You get a line and I'll get a pole, babe You get a line and I'll get a pole and we'll go down to the crawdad hole, honey, baby Y'all to come a man with a sack on his back, honey Y'all to come a man with a sack on his back, babe Y'all to come a man with a sack on his back got more crawdads and he can pack, honey, baby That man fell down to bust his sack, honey That man fell down to bust his sack, babe That man fell down to bust his sack. Just watch them crawdads back and back, honey, baby, my I sell my crawdads three for a dime, honey I sell my crawdads three for a dime, babe I sell my crawdads three for a dime. Ain't no crawdad as good as mine, honey. Mm, baby, my What are you gonna do when you lose your pole, honey? What are you gonna do when you lose your pole, babe? When you lose your pole just sit and look down that crawdad hole, honey, baby What are you gonna do when the creek runs dry, honey? What are you gonna do when the creek runs dry, babe? What are you gonna do when the creek runs dry? Just sit and watch them crawdads die, honey, baby, my Well, get up, Kate. You slept too late, honey Now get up, Kate. You slept too late, babe Well, get up, Kate. You slept too late. That crawdad man done passed your gate, honey Baby, my How'd you like that? I made it just for you. Here. I want you to have it and I bet you that you play Alice Alice, where'd your mother go? She went to look for the pearls Well, I've never been so insolid in all my life. I made this record just for her and she walks out on it You think that the least I'll get that Well, if she don't like the record, I'll give it to somebody who appreciates my voice Hi, Curly. Oh, hi, Elliot. Hi, old buddy. I'm glad you got here because I got a present for you Here you are Thanks, Curly. This is something I've always wanted a burnt flapjack All right, look, this is my latest RCA victory recording and I'm gonna give it to you. Oh This is my lucky day To think this should happen to me a poor barefoot guitar player You said that right now I Knew you'd appreciate my record. I know it's something that you'd like to have and yet It's well, it's something that you wouldn't go out and buy for yourself No, I don't believe I I Where's Alice I want to wish her a happy mother's wait a minute. Don't mention that I'm in enough trouble now I'm ashamed of myself. I told Alice. I bought her a string of pearls and I didn't Curly you lied to your wife on Mother's Day Ain't a good day for lion, huh? Well, you should never lie to your wife. Oh, I don't I don't I always tell my wife the truth the whole truth and nothing You didn't finish I ain't gonna I'll be telling another lie Why'd you just go in and tell your wife you didn't get her the pearl I can't do that now She's all excited about them and I just can't let her down. Where are you gonna get a string of pearls on Sunday? Yeah, I never thought of that the stores are all closed today, huh? There must be some place I can pick up some pearls Hey, I know where where in that claw machine. They got in the pool room We work it right and tilt it just a little and kick it bang it on the back You know you get it over like this. All right, Curly look you can't get Alice a pearl necklace out of a claw machine Why not that's where I got her engagement ring Beautiful stone looks like a sparkling doorknob No, I mean you can't get her a cheap gift like that women know what good pearls look like I know that but where do I get them? I can't break into it Hi kid Hey Julius, don't you know you shouldn't be out on Mother's Day if any woman sees you it'll slow down motherhood to a walk This ain't what they're trying for Jokes, where's miss Faye? What do you want her for? I want to show this present. I got me mother for Mother's Day. It's something mom always wanted What is it a buster me little head? Oh, what a love Don't you envy his mother Curly? Yeah, that's like getting a five pound box of wet liver Or maybe a low can you guys be so callous? How can you sweat for a little tight like me who's trying to make his old mother happy with a bust of her little boy's head? Well, I'm sorry kid, but I Will come in handy on cold nights. She can heat it up and use it as a bed warmer Get all worked up. Keep your apron on Hey, what's in that package you got in the hand the small one? Oh, that's me old man's gift to mom I just picked it up for him. What'd he get it? Curly, do you hear what he said? And Julius has them with him, you know something we must lead a good life our fairy godmother's watching over us Shall we have a go at them leave us Julius, um those pearls you got there. Are you sure they're pearls? What do you mean? Well, haven't you heard about the gang of counterfeit pearl dealers in town? What are you talking about? How can they they take tapioca and string it together? Some cases they use faded salmon eggs And one dealer is using miniature matzah balls Yeah Now you'd better let me take a look at those pearls because I can tell you if they're phony. I insist give me them pearls Look Julius, I got to have the pearls. Just let me borrow them for a while Well, I told my wife that I bought her a string of pearls, but I didn't so just lend me yours for 10 minutes I'll let Alice see them and then I'll find something wrong with them take them back and return them to you Then tomorrow, I'll go out and buy her another string and the whole thing will have a happy beautiful ending What do you think of my idea kid? Cut it out with the Alice has her heart set on getting the pearls and if you don't do this for me She'll be broken-hearted. Well, I don't want to see Miss Faye height So I'll do it good boy. Now. Let me have the pearl he remember. I want back right after she sees okay You'll get them back now look you two guys can help me get them back She'll probably try the pearls on and when she does you tell her they're not the right style for her got you curling remember No, I want me poils back. You'll get them. You'll get them. I'll call Alice. Hey Alice. Will you come in here a minute? Now look fellas don't knock the pearls I don't want her to think that they're cheap tell her they're beautiful But they're too bulky for her neck Phil Phil I've looked all over the house for those pearls and I can't find them I don't think you got them cut cut cut my dear cut. I Have them right here in this package here. You are and happy Mother's Day Oh, well, you did get them for me. I'll bet they're beautiful. Yeah, but they don't look good on you Give them back. Why don't you open? Open it up, honey. I can't wait to see these pearls. I feel they're gorgeous. They're beautiful. They're exquisite I do I do it's just what I wanted Will you shut up Alice they look all right in the box, but how they gonna look on you. Well, we'll do and find out I'll put them on There how'd they look? I don't know They don't look right There's something wrong. Don't you think so Elliot? Definitely, you mean the pearls don't look good the pearls look great, but your neck is too bulky. I Got that in smoothly tonight. Oh, yes. Yes, you're a splendid core heart to have Alice what the flat top means is your neck is too slender for such a bulky necklace I just looked in the mirror and it looks beautiful Feel I love these pearls and it was sweet of you to buy them for me. I'll wear them always I'll never take them off I Don't know maybe his tongue got caught in his braces. I don't Julius will you stop crying already? Don't be crying around here I'm crying. He says here with his mother's mother's empty neck. She was expecting a new Adam's apple, but it didn't arrive I like it. Oh Phil come over here a minute dear. I want to give you a great big kiss for buying me this necklace My old man ain't gonna like this Why not he paid for the necklace and ham hog gets the smoker Tell me all right. We'll get it back. We'll get it back Curly would you join us for a moment, please? Yeah, I'll be right there Excuse me, honey. Keep your motor running. I'll be right back What do you guys want I want me necklace and I want it now, but Alice won't take it all I think I know a way to get it off without her knowing about it It isn't commonly known, but at one time I was quite famous for my sleight of hand I was known for my finger finesse and digit dexterity What does that mean? Used to be a pickpocket I could slide it off her neck. She wouldn't even know was missing if I can just get my arms around Alice Hey, I got it. I'll dance with it. Alice. Shall we dance? I don't know what you're talking about, but I don't want to dance I see you'd rather sit this one out. Shall we go out on the terrace? There's a full moon my dear. No, you don't just dance I'll put a record on go ahead dance with him, honey. All right, and while we're dancing Why don't you close your eyes bend your neck over my shoulder and sing to me? With you I speak your name in my every I swear I don't know I trust you enjoyed our dance Is that what we're doing? We were having a potato race. You insinuating that I'm not a good dancer? I didn't say that Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go inside to part of my nose and change my feet Oh my poor pose. I think he's a shill for Dr. Scholl Did I hear her say Skoll? Hey, Elliot, how'd you make out? I had trouble with the clasp. I couldn't get it open. You mean you didn't get the necklace? No, but I got her earrings wristwatch and engagement ring Give me those things. Okay Can I keep this gold crown from her pivot tooth? Now wait a minute kid Give me a little more time. There must be some way we can get those pearls off her without her knowing it We could do it if she were unconscious But she ain't unconscious. A mere detail Carry up out of the champagne. A glancing blow at the base of the skull. No I ain't gonna launch my wife on Mother's Day Besides that's expensive champagne And hit her with my wife with nothing maybe when she goes to sleep tonight, I can sneak them Come on, I can't wait. Oh, let's not get hokey now All right, all right, it's worth a try. I gotta see this. Alice, will you come in here a minute? You sure you can work this kid? It's a sin It's just a question of concentration of a stronger mind forcing its will on a weaker mind What is how I can- You don't want to see me fell. No, I want to see you Miss Faye Now then stand in front of me and gaze deeply into me beady little eyes Please your master is at work. I'll concentrate. This is getting tired This is getting weary This is getting sleepy. I is Then I gotta sleep Sleep. Good night sleep. Mr. Harris. Alice, what's Julius doing in bed with her? Why are you trying to put me to sleep? Julius. So this isn't my present. Here Julius take the poils back to your mother As for you Phil Harris, don't you ever talk to me again. Well, I'm sorry, honey Tomorrow I'll go out and get you the biggest string of pearls you ever saw. I don't care You will? And would you also get me that fur coat and that diamond ring and that ruby bracelet? Will you? Will you? Well, why don't you answer me? 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Good night everybody If you're the proud owner of one of the new design personal portables such as the RCA Victor Superpersonal you can enjoy up to ten times the playing performance of old-style personal type portables Without a change of batteries the secret is in the remarkable new long-playing RCA radio batteries, but remember no matter what kind of portable you own you can enjoy top performance and extra listening hours with powerful RCA radio batteries they cost no more The Harris face show is transcribed next here theater guild on the air over NBC