 TLO what's poppin? We are on Twitch. We are not but you can leave a like comment subscribe turn on your post notification bells Let's continue to grow a family from Chicago to the UK Benordin Benordin Benidorm Benidorm Chill I know it's a late start today. I got y'all right after this video Benordin's coming so make sure you like this video first responders tell them like the video Don't forget we are We are part of with the blueprint mastermind Link down in the description. This is the latest roundtable talk And this is where all my old videos are they'll be back up This March Don't forget. We got the patreon link down in the description and we got discord Link down in the description as well We're trying to get the discord back by singing Anyway, man, this is forbidden Pearson's page The job that broke me retired police interceptor. Oh Yeah, I did did y'all tell me this existed This got to be some of the most fires that I ever seen right here Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can't wait Ben You got to understand You see my title Chicago do reacts, you know where I'm coming from being so No matter fact simple Just get into it man I've been waiting for this all day low-key The job that broke me I'm Unpatient. I've retired after 19 years in West George police 19 years is crazy about the rods policing group and traffic cops what everyone knows as is And I Filmed placing itself on channel five for about three years two now three years somewhere on there My career is ended because I've been diagnosed with postmotic stress disorder survey depression anxiety This is due to the level of Crap basically that would be postmotic stress disorder PTSD I got PTSD just from living in Chicago now. I did that for free No paycheck or nothing. No pension nothing just Just did it just survey depression anxiety. That's that this is due to the level of Crap basically that we've been put through and what we've seen and done People think that the the job is sitting on a roll road Doing mr. Miggins at 53 and a 50 zone and it's not the job itself It's all going to it in a few more minutes, but it's a complex job of what you do It's the best job you could ever think of doing doing wrong. I think all I beg to differ You got to want to be a police officer to be a police officer like you can't just pick up one day like oh Man, this is the best You wanted that for like a long time What's I believe you want to be either a national or a race car driver. I'm going wrong. I think all little kids want to be either a national or a race car driver or Some sort of traffic cop or whatever and you get given all the toys all the equipment and you get Can't launch go up there and get the bad guy but along with that comes the invisible rucksack with if an instruction in Angry and upset that you carry around with all time. You can't see it Other people can't see it where it's there and it's there on my shoulders and every Bobby in the world carries one of these rucksacks What did I do? My job basically is to go to work every day be debriefed and then get given a fast car To go out and catch burglars Car thieves and criminals I'm highly trained. I was highly trained and I specialized in what I did You come into work. You'd have a quick brew warm yourself up as you would do normally any job and then you debriefed What's gone on the night before what vehicles have been stolen what routes they've gone What number plates have been stolen in the area and any intelligence you can build on and this is separate to the intelligence That you already know you see the cap for 19 years my boy. Hey listen no pause But you look not a you look youthful for your age is what I'm trying to say Tell her about what's local So just say for instance you might have two or three burgling crews around One in running Bradford winning alifax in winning leads most of them know the same ways or Where they're gonna be going how they're gonna be getting home So our job is look at information We've got assess it and think if something comes in a certain type of cow, which is linked to a certain crew We roughly know where that car is going to be going back We also know what's stolen at the time and what number plates are being currently being used So with all this intel we can normally drop on something at the right time right there When we come on and we turn out hit that like button hit that like button y'all stop it come on hit the like button We subject to radio to 999 calls those calls then Um send us where we need to go for RTCs if some robberies coming in armed robbery or a stolen vehicle or something That's where we get sent to but when we're not listening to the radio. We we go playing basically I retired because The amount of playing I did Built up and built up and built up For what we're playing I did I retired because The amount of playing I did Built up and built up and built up and they had no release for what we're doing in general Certain things happened to me um At work and in the private life that if you want to put it where there's Stones in a glass or pebbles in a private life At work and in your private life my life my question is be real man. Be real be real. Tell me the truth, bro Because I believe this and I believe this wholeheartedly That police officers bring their private lives to work and cannot and and use their that job as a release Instead of dealing with their private lives privately They come to work and they take it out on I believe that I could be wrong. We're having a conversation here Let me know That if you want to put it where there's Stones in a glass or pebbles in the glass The pebbles have overfilled the water and I just had a breakdown at work. I suffer now Um, and I've been told that I'll probably suffer all my life But I'll have carbon mechanisms out to deal with things that I deal with The reason I'm doing these podcasts Or these videos so to speak is so people can understand first of all if you have got any sort of illness or mental illness You shouldn't ever be afraid. You shouldn't ever be scared of speaking out Agreed So what you've got you've got an illness. Does it really matter? He's still you we still the person You're born. You're still the person you're going to be. It's a speed bumping road. It's a glitch It's just something that's happening to you right now But if you if you let it consume you it's going to consume you but if you speak out if you stand up and say look I'm paula There's something wrong you can deal with it and how you deal with it is how you ever you want to deal with mine Agree agree, but they're now down There are incorrect ways of dealing with it But but agree for the most part deal and it's about You can deal with it and how you deal with it is how you ever you want to deal with my deal And it's about standing and saying now I can talk about it. I want to talk about it. I want to I want to Voice what's upset me voice what's made me angry and voice what's destroyed me And I hope that when people are listening to this or watching this take and sort of like have the same Feelings. Oh, that's not right. I I feel like that too Uh, yeah, I I hope a lot of current cops current police officers can watch this and learn how to vent now Because like I said earlier, I really wholeheartedly believe what I just said and I feel like the way this is going I feel like If current officers watch this they can really learn how to you know, I'm saying separate what's going on Personal and you know, I don't okay. Let me just Understand that because that I want some voice coming from I I feel like that too Uh, yeah, I I understand that because that I want some voice coming from And the only way I can bring that out myself is by telling myself about what I've done in the past And I can either look for feelings Or look for positives look for negatives and I can build on them then So if you go back to my duty then at work I'm going out in my traffic car every single day with this Rucksack on the back carrying invisible stones And it's first of all if you can split this into two I'm going to talk about work But if you've got a rucksack now think about how many stones yours have got in while I tell my stories Think about what it's going to make you achieve and not achieve think about where you want to go with it And if you're pretending you haven't got a rucksack now's the time for you turn around and say I've got a rucksack This is my rucksack and this is why It's filled with Like living in some of the areas the harder areas Some people don't have a choice some people don't have a choice They get a rucksack because they because The cards that that were bit that the the cards that were dealt to them And they didn't even know they were playing You know I'm saying So when I was going out on patrol I was going out with this rucksack and I was trying to hide it in the car I was trying to pretend it didn't exist in the time I pretended that I was someone I wasn't So when people look back and go I've watched you on tv. I've watched you and you're quite Humorous or you're quite this and quite Well, I suppose I was but I think I've been Have we seen an episode with him on there, haven't we? Me Pretending to be a police officer in a traffic cop. I wasn't a traffic cop pretending to be normal So everything I do I wear with my out of my sleeve And if you say something it upsets me. I'll tell you that it's upset me So I were going to so many jobs that I just couldn't pretend I lied to myself anymore And there's nothing wrong with nothing hurting me. There's nothing upsetting me When you're getting a car and you go out It's a bizarre Concept not knowing what you're going to that day You might kiss your kids goodbye on doorstep at Two in afternoon and by four o'clock you might be laying on an hospital bed With a severe injury You might not come home You might be run over. You might have a broken arm. You don't know what you're going to be dealing with or what's going to come your way You've also Got to accept that you're going to be seeing and doing things That people shouldn't ever see it and shouldn't ever do You're going to have images that are going to massively affect you But again, let's keep it mine. Keep it mine Keep it mine. I I just want to say this though. This is a choice though, right? Or did you saw did you okay? Did you when you Well, you signed up to be a police officer. Did you Like really not know what you were signing up for really not know really not go in knowing Hey, this is a possibility. This is life altering like these are things that Might change my everyday outlook on stuff. Like, you know what I'm saying that choice was You know what I'm saying like Give me and it's how we deal with those images I were having a sweet big kids up off floor in theory and then go home two hours later and play with my children And I couldn't put a line between them both. Okay. I will play with my children, but I will come in Desensitized where I didn't feel love I didn't feel support. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. Okay, and this all escalated more When you couldn't draw the line between the two and we got filmed for police interceptors When we got filmed for police interceptors Because what we're having to do then How we're having to lie even further to be someone else That I'm not not only like to be a police officer, but I'd like to be somebody else on tv Because you're bringing a certain entertainment value to it as well, right? Unconsciously, even if you didn't want to you still did it Um The show itself are brilliant. I love that. I love the director. I love the camera staff. I love everyone and it gives a um The news asked for what we're doing because people wanted to see what he did his job Wanted to see your work wanted to see these Hey, shout out to ben man because this this Hey, listen, I'm gonna be frank. I'm gonna be real rap raw And how I feel what you saying and to even put yourself out here like this You know telling your story. I commend that And then when people like me that come along or react to it and then you probably see it You might see you might don't but when you do see it Like this level of I wouldn't say judgment, but like this level of Like I have my certain things with police Uh Pursuits these bad men get wrestled to the floor But every time you left work and went home then You had not only your pretend rucksack, but you had an image to live up to And you can't always do that, you know yourself if you're If you're trying to be someone you know, there's only so much pretending you can do before it's the liberns itself out sort of speak and It becomes too emotional you get become too drawn in So I want people to listen to my mistakes. I want people to listen to where I've gone wrong. I want people to I want people to understand that Being poorly isn't a choice, but what you do about it understand that Being poorly isn't a choice being what people are understand that Being poorly isn't a choice, but what you do about it is the choice so I first realized there was something wrong when I was getting so lethargic I were at work and I'd I think I had 12 hours sleep. I get to work every walking up steps And I was just so tired. It was so emotional tired of going to work And I was so down and where the job film is an airplane hanger like what is that? He stopped he just felt like every day was getting darker and darker and darker Swear to god, that's how I felt living in Chicago right hand to To to the on the bible. I loved Chicago. I loved it with all my heart It was the funnest place, but like it was a dark cloud over me every day. I wake up like I got like I did like I felt like this is what I felt I Knew her off my diet. I knew I wasn't eating right. That's one of the main things You're lethargic. You're not eating right. You've got to understand where it comes from. They always say if you put good food in your belly It gives good hormones or it gives good nutrition, which gives good brain activity Then you want to work out and so on and there's this cycle goes on I was eating but it wasn't what I was supposed to be eating. It wasn't junk food But it was just I wasn't eating right on the diet. We're off. I was getting tired and then I realized that my 12 hours night We're actually three Maybe four hours a night sleep And it every night it will be drawing and getting less and less and less It we're only getting the most time I would I don't do two hours And I think three Three hours for best part of 12 months I would just a shell of what I want but I Earning that energy burning that candle both sides to try and keep forward try and keep myself going all the time and we just had as as sun It's four now. It's the right little cheeky lad brilliant And I didn't feel out. I didn't feel any emotion. I didn't feel any I couldn't give out and the reason being is every time I I was trying to give something I thought I wouldn't hurt him and I don't mean to hurt him as in I'm about to hurt someone I thought we're gonna drop him. I thought I wouldn't overfeed him I thought when I put him to bed, I put blanket on him when he were opting his baby wrapped that for some hours smother him Um, and it were a horrible feeling but the way it's being told back to me is you're not scared You're gonna do something you're just scared about mortality And you're scared someone's gonna go that's really close to you And you're trying to prepare yourself for that So if you can just take you back a right little bit That's crazy because I Locked away my feelings a long time ago So so like living in Chicago plus not feeling real no really no emotion Always hoping for not hoping for but always expecting the worst and if it was better than the worst That's my mentality or it was Um, Kevin Berg's updates But in 2000 and I think about 2017 I think it was um New Year's Eve Run my dad and says uh Happy new year. I'll be of a good crack. You know, I'm gonna speak to you tomorrow So we had all them and then New Year's Day I phoned him about 10 in morning and I said, uh, happy new year. How are you doing? Oh, yeah? I'm good. Thanks. So now I just let you know we took your mum into hospital I said, wow, what's wrong? She said something wrong with her tummy. I can't remember what but something wrong with her tummy It's all right. Where is she now? Of course she's in Aardale. They're gonna operate on her today All right, let me know it goes. It's gonna be all right Sport to him. I think it were a six-hour operation Six hours later she'd got out of hospital and they put on a high dependency ward Which isn't intensive care. It's just a bit lumber And it turned out a stomach had burst through night from an ulcer and poisoned her So she was awake. She went on to work she was awake and it got to a point where they had to ventilate her So the ventilator and coming from a police officer's background I know when someone ventilates or is at that point of being ventilated It's quite bad because machines aren't going to breathe from Got to day nine or ten and she came off the ventilator, which were all good Went to see her that night, sat up talking to me just like how I'm talking to you now And she said some things And it was just a strange strange time really Went home Next morning or on earlys got up went to work Just in the office as I've said getting a cup of tea getting my kit on Phone rings So we're in the office prepared to go out with me invisible rucksack and crack on Phone rings. He's my dad Eddie hospital for calls in your mom's on her I did um intensive care unit and Um the one that's in now I got blue lighted over um And when I got there my dad was there And it's my brother and they took us into a room and basically said we were gone that night But it was keeping her alive for us Without lying that The machine's keeping her alive, which I know that And if it were them and they'd let her go now You try and deal with that from your mother's point of view knowing that Seven to eight hours earlier you would start talking to her So I knowing myself for all the RTCs I've ever been would been dealt with that She died She's crashed in tonight the ventilator They've got a heart going and they were just pumping her through everything they could do Just to keep her there so we could say bye to her My dad proper Yorkshire man builder Tyler kind of didn't settle for any crap He just couldn't understand what the dots were saying So I identified the doctor of what I did as a job and could you give us a few minutes? So I explained to my dad We need to turn mum off When you're talking To your dad about his partner that he's been with for about 40 years That's an odd decision to make And then when I've got to tell my dad You need to turn your mum off My condolences man. That's a hard that's a hard one right there. That's a tough It hurts because you're taking responsibility for what goes on We went round into a beer out base segregated She's laid there tube ventilated and We all say goodbye to her and I kneel down and kiss her head and then I look at the doctor and I've nodded to the doctor and Dr. Paul's plug We've been 20 seconds mum's flat line. She's gone I made the decision To kill my mum in theory to tell my mum's life spot. It was my decision. I nodded I've got to live with that My backpack were there it signed me And that guilt and that feeling I've put in my backpack Put my backpack on my shoulder and I've cracked on That's what people don't see. They don't see that Thing you deal with all times. I've got all these fates all these other people's parents that have died all these other children I've died. I'm carrying them around in this backpack I'm now carrying the fact that I've just switched my mum's off That's the roughest one of them all That's tough We try and deal with it the best way we know how we How do you deal with when your mum's gone? It's a bizarre concept we Let dad have some time off If that makes that's the bad thing it says out No, it's not it makes sense Dad can't cope with it. So dad asks us to deal with the funeral part. So we Asked dad what he wants some wise, but then we organize all the funeral I think he just knocked him for six really um Later and my brother my older brother He just stepped it up. He just become That person there that You go to it's this is my job. I'm I'm the police officer I'm the one that deals with all the all this shit. I'm the one that deals with all the hate and pain And I just didn't I just I didn't careful, but I just My backpack will get into ever and for me it felt like things were shutting down um And to deal with the loss of your mum A lot of this is just how men move as well Like men in general, I don't want to disclose. I don't want to make it a woman male thing, but men in the world We're taught to just push things to the back And never really fully deal with them You know I'm saying we're taught to not show emotions emotions are weak. We're taught, uh Uh, just get it done And that is that's true, but to a certain extent man When things are getting ready to bubble over you got to talk about it. I don't care what nobody say, man I don't care what nobody say Because that when it when it bubbles certain people when it bubbles too far Something bad happens after that So I'm really bad and terrible because after that Now I have a scale of one to ten. I'll close war over to my mum. Well, she's your mum, isn't she? She's always been there. She always looked after you But I'm close to my dad. My dad was my best friend. My mum was my mum. My dad was my best friend I remember him saying as we got to funeral We can do this. We can let's go do it. Let's we're setting car My bad. It got so bad for me in Chicago. I stopped going to funerals It didn't matter who it was. I ain't going to the funeral We're blocking all out. Let's go do it And it's bizarre. She went into The auditorium with Elvis playing. She really liked Elvis She went in with Elvis playing And I never knew how heavy my bag will get in at the time And it starts to the point when I should have turned around and says I'm struggling to pick this bag up here And I didn't and this is what people need to understand about mental health If you find yourself having a wobble or you find yourself shaking or something's beginning to Get you a little bit You just need to start thinking right. I've got something wrong. There's an issue. I never picked that issue up I carried this bag around for ages I had about two weeks off I can't remember about two weeks off work. I want to tell you about this job This job is the job that's broke me as a person This is the job where I gave too much myself So I do apologize if I get a bit upset but The first day back after my mum's funeral I was on duty, but I wasn't with my team. I was with another team with an acting sergeant And I got told to hide Basically come on to you where they know what I've gone on first day back and you go and hide So I said, yeah, I'm going out and I drove out over the nick and I went to my area The area I patrol the area I'm comfortable in and I reverse into a car park and I just switched off And I reverse into a car park and I just switched off Looked at some photos of my mum. Looked at some photos of my dad Just tried to get back into the uniform stage of being Active and being there and what happens is when you're in a traffic car people look at you. So everyone Is he doing speed checks? He's getting used to that focus of attention And his call comes out on radio Extra Romeo 1-2 So I didn't answer it. Extra Romeo 1-2 So extra Romeo 1-2 Yeah, 1-2 go ahead We've got a knockdown shrunk corner. Can you go? It's a child knockdown How would you feel if it were your child and you knew it was a police car 200 meters away? Would you want me to go? It doesn't matter about my feelings. It doesn't matter about what I'm going through Do you want me to go? If my kid I want you to go So I've got to suck it up and I've got to go I'm shouting at staying real fucking leave me alone. Leave me alone. I don't want to go. I don't Get my radio. Yeah, I'll go calm voice What other units? Was okay. I get everything but was not so you was off for two weeks was not Okay, okay. I get what you was going through Your rug sack was full As a man, you got to just push through it. Your time was up. Let's get back to work That makes everything that I was going to say irrelevant. Well, I just talked it out like that But I was going to say, um, did was the option not on the table to take more time off The way they're on the way to you now, but they're just too far to get there within the immediate time because you've got to get More than 15 minutes I set off on my driving my like dog. Shit. It were horrendous. I just didn't know what we're doing I just didn't know how to drive a car. I just so much going on in the plate Come out with a car park. I could turn left Now I'm not the road And I'm just turning right And just just turn right There's a funnel of cars So there's like once you enter this funnel of cars, there's no way you're going to turn around And it's out of these cars Radio bleeps Actually, Romeo one two urgent I forgot to throw on my uh Air blap or don't go. It's a child Radio bleeps Actually, Romeo one two urgent. Don't go. Don't go. It's a child fail Which that basically means the child who's involved is dead dazed to come down the corner to the scene the z 44 articulated to the body to the right hand side the truck driver just There's just nothing on his face. He's just he's gone. He's he's broken This kid my car to a stop Code six on the radio, which basically means I'm at the scene I get out of the car and I can hear this fan foot police are here traffic career. It's all all right Go to the back of my car get my Traffic folder out, which he's got my document seems gonna be papering so I can start Talking getting sketch plans getting everything I need to be doing start dating the radio start doing this I know that There's got that road. There's a little buoyant road There's got that road. There's a little buoyant road two-year-old When his head's being on another bike truck two-year-old When his head's being on another bike truck And he's laid down his little converse shoes That's crazy because I have a two-year-old That's why I do not take my eye off her and I get mad when she takes her hands when we're by the streets Or we're by outside I get very upset when she when I'm holding her hand and she snatches it from me And that's when I just got to pick her up let her cry. I don't care See this is now this is gonna make me even worse And he's the azans are pointing upwards, which my little converse shoes and he's the azans are pointing upwards, which My daughter's doing she sleeps start making way down to this little lad and um I get about 30 feet away It's like I'm walking through a loop My legs eating heavier and heavier and heavier And I'm sinking this pain in my chest. He's pulling me back towards car But I'm see it feels like I'm sinking into the floor Feels this pain is I can't describe it. His pain is like It's killing it's crushing me. It's it's crushing me into the floor. That's all I can describe it This is the worst This is the worst thing I've ever heard Like his whole Mom everything else that was going his rucksack full mom just gone In this first day back And I just stung there and I felt cold wind on my face And the only way I can describe it is having an elastic band from there Pulls tight as you can and it snaps And I felt it go. I remember the exact second I felt it go and it snaps And I just stood there and I started crying I started crying in front of all witnesses all people I started crying And I got radio and I just said a car. I need help. I need assistance. I need help. It's a fail I think they understood. I think they They knew all the ACR the control operators knew what we're going through Turned around the six five skids up To our firearms cops called Excuse me called the the attack meds. So they're like paramedic level and they They've got all the kit proper paramedic kit I said don't go down with these these firearms later. It's don't go down So she runs off down road with all this kit. She comes up within 30 seconds. She's just bleeding my tears I can't stop crying. I can't remember. I think I said I wasn't talking about it. It's hard But I have my backpack and there were no room for this thing to go in Does that make sense? There's no room That's crazy Oh, yeah, you got me my boy. I got kids. I can't take this type of stuff This is gonna hit me different Anything else? The room for me to push this in him up. It's gone. Someone's gone inside. I think I covered him up I think I put my jacket over him and covered him up I just didn't want anyone seeing him. I just didn't want anyone touching him And I remember someone putting their hand on my shoulder and just saying it's all right. Come on. Let's go And by that time it was swallowing with bobbies There were officers everywhere paramedic, I think air ambulance came And then they removed me from the scene They took me back to the nick And I sat me in an office with no one there They were no one to cuddle me They were no one to put their arm around me They were no one to tell me we're going to be all right They were nothing I should have watched Ben Adorn first This just took the joy out of Ben Adorn for me I told him just do some paperwork Just do a paperwork for the job It broke me It broke The person, it broke who I was As an officer And I've never been the same since Where am I going to put this Thing, that cat going back What do I do with it So now I've got a backpack and I'm carrying this under my arm One little lad's fault He didn't know what about truck driver What about him What about all the bobbies that were there What about all them It's not just me, it's all of them I can't even imagine I'm watching through a screen The story of the story And that got me That got me Boy that got me When you got kids When you got kids And you hear stuff like this You try not to imagine it You try not to put yourself in a situation But it can't help it Like damn I'm done I can't do this anymore But I didn't I just carried it around with me all the time I came working the next day at the same time Normal time Walked in the office Smiled on my face but I was dying I was dying inside I wanted someone to say I can take this off you I can take that off you can put it down But I didn't realize that You don't realize you're poorly You don't realize that You're not well enough to deal And you got a lot going on And what the thing is He didn't really bring it he brought it to work He brought the rough side but like It don't sound like he took it out on nobody He just took it out on himself He just erupted It was rough And this is when I got home And I've got a little girl to play with And I've got to go to my little girl And cut off my little girl And kiss my little girl When that person doesn't have that little Girl anymore You've got to take whatever you can out of life And you've got to take it for what it is Is there some big plan Is that when he's meant to go Is that what someone higher up deems That's not his time Got to Try and enjoy my family life But I've just buried my mum So it feels like I've got nothing I can't give anyone anything else There's members of public ring in 999 Anager What about you now? What about me? Who's going to deal with me? Who's going to look after me? My family need me And I'm not going to deal with my family Need to accept that when You're poorly It's alright to shout up Because I never shouted up and now look at me I cry constantly And I cry about things that I can't change But what I should have changed Is the fact that Anyone can fall Anyone can be ill And if you've got a mental illness Don't hide it away Because I did And it gets you nowhere It gets you nothing So all I want for people to take away From this Listening to it and Watching or whatever they're doing is I'll do that now I'll reach out, I'll ring my doctor I'll ring my mum, I'll ring my dad, I'll ring my friend I'll put my backpack down And ask for someone to help me empty it I'll put them on For them on the shelves Where they need to go You know what I mean, I might open them occasionally But at least they know where they are I'll even go to a shop And buy another backpack And carry some more around with me But I suppose that's what I want I feel like we've compartmentalized and everything Sometimes we just gotta, you know, put it out there Man, letting people know You didn't gotta let people know Just let somebody know, talk to you And get it off your chest is what it is I feel like I get you You don't want people to say I'm struggling And it's alright It's about it Do you ever leave a like, comment, subscribe? 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