 Hey YouTube, so today we're going to review a medical school personal statement of a student who not only got in, but also received scholarship to attend. Stick around. Hi, I'm Dr. Josie. This is Right Year Acceptance. Thank you so much for joining. I've worked with hundreds and hundreds of students all in medical school and residency across the country right now. And I know what they're looking for, so stick around, let's talk. So if you are starting your personal statement, it's about that time, or if you have a draft and you're not sure how great it is, I'm going to share a sample personal statement today based on comments from a video that I did this previous with. I'm going to read the entire essay first, and then I'm going to break down each section. Having said that, you have a couple of other entire samples that I have on my channel. I also have tips, so I'll link a couple of videos up top here. So here we go. Pill bottles, thermometers, band-aids, toothpaste, and empty cardboard boxes scattered across the foreign table. Our chaotic assembly line occupied most of our dining room that night before my parents and grandparents shipped medical supplies to our family members in Cuba. Fascinated by the activity, I would often ask my family why they were doing this. I received different answers, but the one that always stuck with me was, la familia significa que nadie se queda atrás o se olvida. Despite political allegiance or social circumstance, family always helps, and during these hectic evenings, I forged my love of family with my fascination with medicine. As a son of Cuban immigrants, there were words that I lived by, tightly packing medical supplies while listening to my relatives discuss that dire health inequalities in Cuba became a sentimental education service. Being able to help relatives who I had never met survive an oppression that I had never physically or psychologically experienced helped me to empathize with the unforgiving plight of individuals across the world who suffer from a lack of accessible healthcare and basic needs. Growing up acutely aware of the inequalities in the Caribbean healthcare systems, when given the opportunity, I participated in a service trip to Haiti, chopping down trees and freeing the land, we laid the groundwork to build a health clinic in Fort Liberté that would provide sustained healthcare to the area. Long days under the scorching heat and dead humidity, along with my interactions with the locals, like the children who often pointed to their tummies to express that they were hungry, taught me that caring for people was as much about lifting spirits as making physical improvements. From manual labor to labors of love, a day of service at the missionaries of the poor children's house that cared for mentally and physically impaired children brought the opportunity for inspiration. Beyond replenishing their empty cupboards with medical supplies and assisting the healthcare professionals with the day's operations, I met a young boy who was paralyzed from the waist down. I spoke to him through a translator and he lifted his arms as if asking for a hug. Although I had not cured him nor taken away his pain, I gave him the comfort he yearned for. Wanting to make a similar impact in communities back home, I set out to become an emergency medical technician in Bronx, New York, one of the most financially depressed and crime-ridden areas of the state. From diabetic emergencies to severed toes, my empty work usually meant navigating one crisis after another. However, one of the most memorable moments occurred during a seemingly routine transport. I walked into the hospital room to transport an elderly patient where we were met with abhorrent language, anger, and violence. Frustrated, the nurse said that he had been acting this way all morning. No me dan de comida. He screamed asking for food. Realizing he only spoke Spanish, I began talking with him and understood the reason for his behavior. He simply wanted food. He did not have anyone to feed him or even understand him. Bringing this boonful of applesauce to his chap lips, his whole attitude changed. We spoke about Cuba, his date of country, and my cultural origin. He told stories. We laughed. As an EMT, I learned not only how to handle emergencies but also how to serve the quieter moments as well. Because of my prior experience with impoverished populations, I accepted an internship back home at a doctor's office that would allow me to serve patients from the nearby inner city of Paterson, New Jersey. From taking an EKG on a woman's suffering from shortness of breath, to administering a hemoglobin A1C test, to a middle-aged man who was borderline diabetic, each patient offered an opportunity for a new connection. However, the most memorable experience was when the practicing physician became the patient as he was struck with persistent heart palpitations. In an instant, we laid him on a bed, gave him oxygen, and called for medics who controlled his vials. These interactions and constant knowledge that I acquired helped instill in me an even greater passion for the medical field than ever before. The culmination between being in a clinical office setting daily, interacting with the patients and medical staff, learning many new medical tests and techniques, and seeing the physician interact with patients showed me that I wanted to commit my life to serving others through medicine. Ultimately, I have learned that there are a multitude of ways to serve, such as treating people's physical ailments, offering empathy for anxious family members, or leaving my comfort to help a struggling community. These perspectives, coupled with my lifelong fascination with the human body's complexities, leave no doubt that medicine is a path for which I want to use my abilities to make a positive full impact on people's lives. The one-time fascination of simply packing medical supplies for relatives in Cuba has transformed into a fervor for the medical field, and one that I intend to fully satisfy as a doctor. All right, so let's break down the essay. I'm going to go paragraph by paragraph and kind of just talk about elements that are successful in the essay as a whole. So at the beginning, I really like that the student has an image or a story, something that is sensorial in nature, right? We have pill bottles, thermometers, band-aids, toothpaste, right? So we can physically see that. We see these actual physical elements, right, crowding a table or a floor. And so the list, the relationship of each thing is medical in nature, is need kind of dependent, right? So it really kind of immerses us in an image-driven moment. And of the first body paragraph, right? So fascinated by the activity, I would often ask why my family was doing this. I received different answers, but the one that always stuck with me was la familia significa que nadie se queda atrás o sorbida. And then notice that, and so I am of two minds of this. There are some pre-health advisors that will tell you to kind of any language that you bring in that's not English, you want to kind of directly translate. I am of the mind that if you contextually translate it, so like if someone who doesn't speak Spanish reads this, skips that line and goes on to the next line and understands what's going on, you've successfully translated it. So notice how the next line, despite political legions or social circumstance, family always helps during these hectic evenings. So we kind of understand that the quote is talking about family helping family, despite political legions is whatever. Initially, the kind of first draft I saw went from the intro to kind of experiences. I like that the second paragraph was introduced because it offers a self placement. You know, you may not need this for your personal statement in particular, but in this case, it offers a very interesting personal and cultural identity, personal self placement, right? So as a son of human immigrants, there were words we lived by tightly packing. So like we can, we know culturally why this matters to him because it's part of him. It's part of his identity. It's part of who he is. And then we kind of see him helping with the process, right? With helping with organizing their donations. So topic sentence for paragraph three, growing up acutely aware of the inequalities in the Caribbean healthcare systems when given the opportunity, I participated in a service mission trip to Haiti. So initially in the first draft, Haiti, the mission trip was kind of second to last, I believe, in the experiences kind of in the personal statement. The student moved it up because it kind of felt like a nice geographical transition in the personal statement. And so the topic sentence, topic sentences are tricky. I would say it's the hardest thing because if you do them right, the topic sentences allow you to really connect your personal statement from one section to the other. It helps you build your wine medicine. So it sounds like one coherent narrative versus three short stories, right? So many times I see personal statements that are like three or four experiences and there's no connection. And it just says more over or furthermore or another experience. And it just sounds like three short stories versus like these topic sentences that help you build on an experience or help you build on your identity or your placement, right? And within the narrative is very important, I think key for me. So the next line, it's interesting because it has imagery. It has sensory, right? I have another video on the channel if you want to talk about kind of like how to improve your personal statement. This is something that we talk about and I give you a couple more examples. So chopping down trees and freeing the land. We laid the groundwork to build a health clinic in Fort Liberté that would provide sustained health care to the area. Long days under the scorching heat and dense humidity, along with interactions with the locals. So we can see the chopping down of trees. We can see building a health clinic. We can see kind of long days under scorching heat. Like we can feel the heat. We can feel humidity, especially if you're from kind of South Florida. You know what humidity is. So it has an investment in the kind of sensory that allows the reader to kind of plunge into the moment. And so whenever possible, you don't have to do this all the time. Sprinkling in this kind of less is more sensory languages is pays dividends for how engaging your personal statement is. You can do this at the end if you want. But notice how kind of it taps into the five senses in just a couple lines. So the middle section of that same paragraph, right? From manual labor to laborers of love, a day of service at the missionaries of the poor children's house. Then it goes into beyond replenishing their empty covers with medical supplies and assisting the health care professionals with the day's operation. I met a young boy. I appreciate this section because it has a zoomed in moment. So writing about mission trips, writing about kind of going to an impoverished area, whether locally or abroad can be tricky sometimes because it could go wrong in a couple of ways. It can sound like a savior complex. It can like, you know, coming in to save the day. It can sound like I'm so lucky to have what I have and I see people who are so happy with so little which doesn't play well. If you do choose to do a mission trip abroad, whether in your activities and secondaries or in personal statement, you wanna make sure that you find a very particular moment. Like you wanna zoom in to a specific moment where it doesn't seem like you are blanketing the experience of everyone there, right? And so I appreciate this moment because the student takes the time to zoom into one child in particular. You don't have to put the name. You don't have to put any kind of major detail but gives us that moment of particular humanity that I think is very important. All right, so then paragraph four goes from the mission trip to Haiti to EMT, right? And at first glance, this is what transitions are so important. At first glance, that doesn't really have any commonality, right? But this is the topic sentence. Wanting to make a similar impact in communities back home, I set out to become an emergency medical technician in Bronx, New York, one of the most financially depressed and crime-ridden areas of the state. So this person is from New York. They're very close to the Bronx. When you have difficulty finding a commonality, you don't know how to transition from one experience to the next because they were so different. Remember the one thread of commonality is you, right? You are the common thread throughout all of these experiences, so you can kind of link yourself in that topic sentence here. It's just wanting to make a similar impact back home, right? It could be chronologically, like it could be six months later, I set up the charge to do what to the next. So you are that common thread. Whenever you wanna do kind of a topic sentence, you're not sure how to do it. Think about how you can connect through your experience in the moment. The next paragraph, the transporting the elderly patient. So remember that when you are sharing anecdotes, moments that you are kind of going into storytelling, there are raw evidence for your takeaways and your lessons learned. Whenever possible, you wanna be in action. You wanna showcase you doing something, adapting to someone's needs, going into kind of like or going above and beyond to connect with someone, really show yourself in an action, active moment. So the line kind of towards the end, he simply wanted food. He did not have anyone to feed him or even understand him. Bringing the spoonful of applesauce to his chapped lips, his whole attitude changed. We have sensory there, we have action there in just one line. We can kind of see him building rapport with the patient. Do you have a draft and are not sure how to transition from one section to another? Comment below if you want my help. All right, so then the last two paragraphs, what I wanted to focus on was basically kind of like the lessons learned at the bottom of, so second to last paragraph. The culmination between being in a clinical office setting daily, interacting with patients and medical staff, learning many new medical tests and techniques and seeing the physician interact with patients showed me that I wanted to commit my life to serving others through medicine. So we have seen the student do these kind of like, you know, experiences or show us in action in these different capacities. So saying this type of telling sentence here as a why medicine works because we have kind of set up the stage for it throughout the essay. And then the whole conclusion, ultimately kind of, you know, I hear a lot of students say, I don't know how to land the plane. I don't know how to end this personal statement. And you could do a couple of things. You can come back to the beginning. This student comes back to making an impact, you know, that one kind of that fascinated young boy who was helping his family with donations is now kind of like, you know, tapping into that commitment to service and to others through his own service to the community, right? And so he brings in the Cuba identity. He brings in his kind of listing of his why medicine. And then he comes back to that opening image. So you can do a couple of those things. You can come back and refer to your opening image. You can offer deepening wisdom from the opening statement, the opening story. And you can kind of revise or restate your lessons learned that you've been talking about throughout. Hope this has been helpful. Make sure to like this video, comment below if you want any of my feedback regarding your personal statement. And if you wanna learn how I work with students, make sure you grab one of your 15 minute slots for free chat with me on your personal statement. We'll talk soon. Take care. Bye.