 Hey, what's it you guys? Welcome to my channel. If you're new here, hi, hello, my name's Lydia. As you can see, I've got no makeup and I cried it off. Sorry, I'm not sorry. Um, I feel like crap at the moment. I feel ill. Physically, I'm mental-y. Um, today I thought I'd do a bit of a storytime, but the angle I show is, is it working? Don't let me drown. Don't let me drown. This video is one that I never thought I was gonna, uh, my mum decided to start on me today because I made a post on Facebook for the first time ever talking about the year I've had. And put it very bluntly. This is what my mum said to me the past year. My mum's reaction to my mental health has never been good. Ever, ever, ever. Which is why she's never involved in anything that goes on. As you guys have said, my family are very disconnected from what I do with my life and that's my joy because, and I can explain that, the very first time that I went to A&E for my mental health was when I was suicidal. And now feeling suicidal, you don't think, oh, my mum's doing this, oh, what this is going on. You want to die. I managed to get myself to A&E because I was under 18. Parents had to come and collect me. And my mum was doing this college course, which I fully respect. Whatever. Fine, you know. She didn't turn up. My aunt's dead, that dead. Fine. You know, I got to go home. I got referred to camp and that was fine until I got home. My mum's first words to me were, Lydia, I was at college. I didn't need your attention seeking behaviour right now. And that she since then, I've, I don't talk to her about my mental health. She only finds out if she accidentally stumbles across like one of my tweets or something. Like, she doesn't know anything that goes on. And she started to start on me today. So you, why are you posting this for our family to see? Why are you so outspoken? Why does it matter to you that much? And it was like, because mental health is not a taboo subject, we should not be afraid to talk about it. There's no shame in talking about it. I'm not going to back down just because you don't like it. Like, I'm going to speak my mind and say what's going on. And the first time ever, I spoke on Facebook about my friend who killed herself this year. And I don't talk about this a lot because it still doesn't affect me a lot. I don't want your mum fucking text me, which your friends killed themselves. My mum doesn't know any of my friends in your life. She's never met any of them, but she found me and two comments on it. And I respect and understand that I'm her daughter. Right? I get that. She kicked me out. She kicked me out. She has hated every bit of involvement. And when it comes to me being admitted, people are always like, oh, why don't you ask your mum to come and help you? As I put the screenshot earlier, this is why. I've never asked her to drop everything and come day and night. I've never asked her to drop everything and come visit me in hospital. In fact, she's visited me during, what, two of my admissions? In my life. And my mum does not have that much involvement in my life. Her friends have been to see me in hospital more than my mum has. And that breaks me like, I wish my mum can. And I wish I had my mum that, but I don't. I don't live in that world. I don't have a world where I have a supportive family. I live in a world where I have a really fucked up family who don't want to be in my life and who feel like they have some right to tell me what I can and can't part on Facebook about people who I care about. I put in that post about me in hospital, about trying to kill myself. I've got really raw things on that. And I know anyone who knows me, who has me on Facebook knows I don't post on Facebook about me. I share stuff, I'll post photos, whatever. I don't write statuses. We go week and then months sometimes. They're not even sending the text to each other. And now she's like, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me? And I was like, I did tell you. I told you when I was like in February when I was in Milton Keyens. I told my mum about that admission. And it broke me. It fucking broke me. Like when I found out that she knew, I was crying, I was panicking. I didn't know how to react. And then eventually she's like, I'm not dropping everything for you. And I was like, I didn't ask you to. I would love to say that if I was in crisis, I could pick up a phone and just call my mum. But I can't. Because if I did that, do you know what she'd say? I've got work in the morning, Lydia. Because of what she's read online about me peeding, she thinks that everything's retention. Like my whole social media platform, my YouTube channel, my Twitter, my Instagram, my Facebook page, what's it all built up on guys? Mental health. This channel started out as a mental health channel. I know I've progressed into that area, but it's core. We talk about mental health because mental health affects all of us. We all have a mental health. Some of us have mental illness. It is real as a physical illness. It's as real as cancer. And you know what? I absolutely fucked the stigma. I'm so done. I was avoiding talking about my family on here. I don't talk about why no family issue is on YouTube. I've avoided it for a long time, you know? A long time. Like I've been on YouTube since I was what? 11? 11? It's been over 10 years, you know? Like it's how she's treated me at the moment. I'm not going to drop everything every time you're in hospital. I had a mom who cared. I did. I wish I had a family that wasn't fucked up. Like I don't want my mom here. Like I haven't even gotten to my dad's side of the family, which is even more fucked up than my mom's side. It hates me because I'm never going to be an offeror. I'm never going to be able to prove that what I have going on is as real as her fucking diabetes. Like I'm never going to be able to prove that. Because she's only ever researched BPD. She's never worked research dissociative disorder. She's never researched anxiety. She's never researched depression. Even though fun fact, my family have a history of bipolar. My mom knows BPD based off what she sees on Google. Stigmatizing. Why not read real people's experiences? Why not look at what it condition actually is? I just wish my mom knew what she was saying before she said it. Like she's only been like, oh well if I say this you're going to kill yourself. I don't want to tell you because you're going to kill yourself over it. She treats suicide like it's some simplistic thing and it's not. It's actually insulting when she does that. I hope you guys enjoyed this little mini rant. I had to do this. I had to have a rant somewhere and YouTube's not the only place I'm allowed to say what I think. Anyway, I'm going to go. I'm going to bed. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to end this morning. What's the night? I don't know. We'll see. I'm pissed off. Goodnight guys.