 Hey what's up you guys? Welcome back. Hello. Hi. I haven't uploaded or recorded in a shocking amount of time and I'm not gonna lie, this is weird. And if you can hear me noise in the background, that is my hamster Haria. She is noisy and she is playing on her wheel at the moment. I'm sorry. I want to make a video today talking about what's been going on. I've just kind of vanished from the internet the last few months and I haven't been here, and I haven't been great. And I don't know, I've had a really rough few weeks, I want to say. Things have been getting bad. When I say bad, I mean really bad. So I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes 2 months ago. And then last month I had an antibody test done. I got the results of them and I am now diagnosed with type 1 diabetic. So I have, I have to use insulin. I have this one which is never rapid. It is a fast acting insulin. I use it whenever I eat or if I have some sugar. And then I have a lung one which is called Lantas. It's a lung acting insulin. I do it once a day in the morning. Honestly I found this harder to deal with. I found the type 2 diabetes was harder to deal with. The type 1 made me worse and it made me, it made me really, really down. And I'm not going to sit and pretend it didn't. Going from having freedom of doing what you want when I want to think about it is one thing. So having to think about what I eat and inject insulin every single time I eat and knowing that I'm going to have to do that the rest of my life is something that hit really hard. And I was taken to a psychiatric assessment unit a few weeks ago because of how badly this has affected me. And I've been under the crisis team for three weeks and last week I'm under a complex cat here. My psychiatrist though actually started prescribing me halopyridol. Again, I'm on cat's jaws for halopyridol. I take it twice a day. I take it morning and night. And it has helped a lot. I don't know if you can tell that I'm on new meds or that things have changed. But if you can, that's why I'm on new meds. I'm also on Ambien rather than ZopiClone. I don't take ZopiClone anymore. I'm glad. Since I have one diagnosis I have lost blood weight. I can't pretend I haven't. I've actually dropped below what I thought, below what I wanted to and I'm not that happy about it. My goal is to stay at 60kg and I have them. I struggle with food and I've made this no secret. I've literally posted videos of me and my worst with my eating. And right now I'm in a position where I don't even want to eat. So if anyone's wondering where I've been, I've been dealing with hell. You know, the diabetes is something I've got to learn to deal with. It's not going to go away. I am insulin dependent. I don't have a choice anymore. And like I said, it's a very big thing to try and deal with. It's constantly on my mind. It's constantly something I'm thinking about. In the respect that I'm like, how do I even deal with this? How do I live with this for the rest of my life? That made me really, like I really wanted to end things and it got to a point where I'm someone who doesn't use text lines or help lines or crisis team but I don't. I was using Shout and I would recommend them. I've used them four times. Two of those occasions they did phone the police and I can't say I was happy about it. But their policy is to safeguard and they're there for a reason. I was really low. I was considering, well, no, let me try that. I was going into my life and I could have. And I was genuinely afraid because I don't want to die. I will say that I don't want to die. But I do have those thoughts because my life has literally changed. Like I've gone from having complete and total freedom with everything to I can't eat that. I have to think about this. I have to use as much insulin to rate that. Honestly, it's so stressful. I don't know. You can probably tell that I'm still a bit, I'm still a bit shaken from it all. I'm trying not to cry. I'm literally going to do a live stream in an hour. This is not something that is easy and people can say what you expect and blah, blah, blah. Type 1 diabetes has got nothing to do with what you eat. It's got nothing to do with that. It's just stigma. Type 1 diabetes is where your pancreas just doesn't produce insulin at all. Like my pancreas doesn't work. Sorry. That's got nothing to do. It's just such a hard thing to wrap your head around and actually think about. I don't know. It's just something that I don't think people realise how hard it's actually been. But the type 2 diagnosis I could have dealt with and that is something I could have learnt to control. Having type 1, it's a lifestyle change in a really intense form. It's not even like it's as simple as just doing this. Because no matter what I have to eat, I could eat if he's a fruit or a vegetable. I will still have to use insulin for that. Just a lot's been going on and I haven't felt like filming and you can tell I'm so not used to filming because I'm not looking at the lens. I'm not looking at the camera. I'm just looking around and I'm sorry. I'm trying. I really am trying to stay focused and film and get back on track. But it's just going to take time, unfortunately. I did want to stop by and say hi. And that I am here. Just about. This room might have given me such a bad headache. Thank you for watching the video. Thank you for what made me. Thank you for being here. And thank you for bearing with me while my uploads have been a bit all over the place. From me and from anyone. To anyone who needs to hear this, your life has got value. Your life is important. Support is out there. I know I'm hypocritical for saying that because I am guilty of thinking like what's the point? Is it even worth getting help? And I'm not going to pretend I'm not. Support is out. Anyway, thank you for watching this. Thank you for supporting me. And thank you to Harriet for joining me in this outro. Although I'm not quite sure what she's trying to do. What are you doing? Thank you for watching the video and I will see you guys soon with a new video. Bye.