 This is the CBS radio workshop Well folks that just about winds up tonight's broadcast from the interplanetary rocket ship American initiative If commander Potter's astral navigation continues to hold as true as it has so far I will be broadcasting to you tomorrow night at this time from the planet Venus Which even now looms dead ahead of us brighter and somewhat larger than our own moon This is Jay Alexander Caudill speaking for Caledonia oil Shirley white toothpaste Inus planus knocked beer and barn and dog food and returning you now to the CBS studios on earth CBS radio presents the CBS radio workshop Dedicated to man's imagination the theater of the mind tonight a pride of carrots or Venus well served by the noted American novelist Robert Nathan and Here to tell his story is mr. Nathan himself According to recent newspaper reports Scientists have been hearing strange and mysterious radio signals, which they are convinced are broadcast from the planet Venus And this may very well be the case No one knows for certain that life exists on the other planets But then no one can say for certain that it does not and if it does no one can say what form that life may take One man's guess is as good as another's and this is mine. This is the way Venus looks to me Feels good to scratch your legs again. Sure does you feel heavier or lighter? Normal then the gravity is about the same as yours. Look there. What a daisy you can take off your helmet You sure sure the presence of flora indicates the presence of air Quite good air as matter of fact. Yeah, that rocket was getting a little musty Well, this is a solemn moment commander. It is indeed God will the first man on Venus hand me the flag Will you know? you are I hereby claim this planet for the United States of America through the courtesy of Caledonia oil surely white tooth Stainless cleanest knocked beer and bar none dog really coddle must you well It's in my contract, but we aren't on the air. Well a little rehearsal never hurt anyone Anyway, we will be as soon as the tubes on this walkie-talkie warm-up One two three four testing one two three four testing there. We are CBS on earth from coddle on Venus CBS on earth from coddle on Venus. How do you read me? That's funny. They're standing by around the clock on this frequency earth from Venus earth from Venus come in earth Maybe freak atmospherics fine at a time like this to run into free Potter yes, do you see what I see over there in those bushes speaking of freaks? What is it? Well, it looks like a little horse. Yeah, but it's got wings and a sort of beak and a tail like a kangaroo It's coming this way. Where's the regular? I'll get it. I stand back your filthy beast. Go away. Go away. I beg your pardon You you talk. Oh naturally I talk. So do you Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Certainly not. Oh, I'm sure I have oh Yes on CBS the outside of the inside of the news you're a J. Alexander coddle Do you mean to say you get our programs here on Venus Venus? What do you mean Venus? You're from Venus up there We call it the evening star at certain times of the year, but that's earth nonsense. This is earth. That's Venus silly isn't it, but that's semantics for you For instance, what would you call a group of carrots bunch bunch? Oh good heavens? No a pride of carrots And that is of course on this side of the border and a gaggle of onions But if you were on the other side of the border, it would be an exaltation of onions and a deceit of carrots Semantics you see it depends on your point of view See a charm of griffons. You are a Griffin I take it of course rather Highly placed as a matter of fact. Hey, you notice my gold collar I belong to the secretary of the interior My name is Fido and the secretary a very able carrot quite famous in his own right But even more so for his wife's tassel you've seen ordinary carrots No doubt with their green tops, but this is a most unusual tassel below Everyone is copying it. How does it happen that you an animal belong to a vegetable? I don't want to ask to eat vegetables. Oh there. No caraway seeds truffles Marzipan you look a little like Marzipan yourself. You might if I try Got it out stop biting me You're delicious, but definitely not Marzipan. What is it meet you fool? You don't say Me I never tasted meat before you'll meet yourself. I am Splendid, I'll just try me That hurt of course it hurt now stop this nonsense and lead us to your master. Oh, yes, of course That's why I'm here isn't it follow me follow animals They had not walked far through fields of charming wildflowers which sang like birds Until they came to a shady bower of massive ferns in the middle reclining on a soft bed of lettuce leaves were two Carrots much like any other carrots you may have encountered Accepting that one had a tassel of the most brilliant blue the carrot with a standard green tassel rose as they approached Welcome to our planet. Oh, thank you in the name of the United States Navy. I promise later Your Majesty that is your Majesty. You're not Majesty's. This is a Republic I am Edwin secretary of the interior and this is my wife Edwina and you're the famous news Commentator J. Alexander Carl and your commander Potter Well precisely madam, we've been watching your trip ever since your takeoff until we lost you when you rounded Mars You're most welcome. Well. Thank you madam You can perhaps conceive the feelings with which commander Potter and I gaze upon this unfamiliar scene the first mortals ever to What's that? Oh, that's my daughter Alice. She knows all the latest songs. She says she's a Cool cat whatever that is. Hi everybody company. Yes, dear come here and meet our visitors from outer space Mr. Carl. Come on to Potter. Oh, I know all about the mother Welcome to Carattania gentlemen. I have already welcomed them Alice. Oh, you don't understand the animal kingdom father They'd much rather be welcomed by a young girl really Alice. Where do you learn such things at school in zoology class? And where did you learn that song? Why watch your television all the time? I want to be a great actress and sell cigarettes. You think I'm mad. Oh, that sounds like a very normal ambition to me Oh, I like you Potter. You interest me now Alice. You simply must stop this prattle. We're all a little on edge I'm afraid this last day of waiting has been After all they could have landed in Onionapolis, but they didn't the onions didn't get them We got them the onion. Yes You see our planet is divided into two countries the Democratic Union of Carattania and the United Socialist Republics of leaks and onions They're constantly threatening us with war. Well, why they want us to be onions, but that's absurd Of course It's absurd especially when we realize that the only possible thing for everyone to be if he wants to live a decent Kind of life is a carrot. Oh, naturally, but the onions won't see it our way and they can't be trusted I'm given to understand that they plan to use nematodes. It's race suicide, of course nematodes Thinker aren't they the tiny worms that all but ruined the citrus in California back in the 40s I don't know much about citrus not exactly my line You know that here the nematodes eat vegetables the kind of virus too small to see We've tried to outlaw them, but the onions won't agree Well, we'll wipe each other out. I suppose and the spiders can take over. It's sad to think about just spider webs everywhere You know, it seems to me that they worked out a way to fumigate for nematodes out in California See if I could just get through to CBS on earth. I could find out you've had difficulties getting through Well at any rate earth isn't getting through to me I'm sure we could get you through on a planet to planet hookup Particularly if you can find out anything about fumigating for nematodes. Hey commander, you hear that we're going on the air after all Oh splendid. Do you want me to make a prepared report or shall we add live? Well, you better type the report you can add live to your wife. Oh, you have a wife Potter Yes, my dear every Navy man over a full lieutenant has a wife a woman. I presume. Oh, yes, definitely has to be you know What is your wife like Potter why she's a female like this? Oh Bumpy isn't she? Well, you're not bumpy Potter. No, I suppose not as well Your excellency how soon do you think you can get us on the air? He should be able to have it set up in a few hours Well now my regular spot is 8 30 to 9 p.m. Eastern daylight time you think you can make it We'll do our best. Oh great. Hey, this calls for a celebration It's too bad. We haven't a bottle of champagne champagne. What's that kind of bubbly wine wine is made from grapes Yes, ma'am. I'm not sure. I like the idea some of our best friends are grapes Yes, well, well, don't worry ma'am. We haven't any champagne anyway We could break out our emergency rations. Oh, that's a fine idea. Got it. Can't open sure right here You care to join us your excellency. No, I don't know. May I see that can please? Oh sure Here you are US Navy for emergency use only concentrated carrot juice God sees these men put them under arrest their onions in disguise Our scene shifts now to Onionapolis capital of the United Socialist Republic of leaks and onions Which controls half of the planet Venus? We are in the office of the secretary general of the party a large fat white onion named Odor as general shallot enters Death to carrots death to carrots well general the rumor has been verified by the underground They landed near Caratopoulos this morning. How did you permit this to happen general? Unfortunately our side of the planet was turned away from the direction. They were traveling so they landed on the back side Excuses excuses. We must have those spacemen general We must have their technical skill before the carrots get it or we will be in the soup. Yes comrade It is insufferable that we who invented television jet propulsion the atomic bomb and the bicycle Should be deprived of these two men who can tell us how to use them It is an outrage a national insult death to carrots likewise. I want those two spacemen It may be difficult comrade. You could call me Excellency or little father everyone does I am a descendant of the garlics a garlic does not call anything Excellency, of course. Of course. I was only joking here. We are all comrades all Excellencies little fathers Except leaks of course of course death to carrots death to carrots by the way general what you're doing tonight realistic warmongers nothing Capitalistic swine come and dinner with me decadent bourgeois love to and those spacemen must be bourgeois tour They would have landed here Possibly undoubtedly, but we will change their point of view once we have made them our guests a comrade That might not be so wise comrade Why not don't you want to learn how to set off guided missiles and ride the bicycles that is not the point comrade if we abduct these spacemen we give Carrotania a splendid opportunity to protest and you must remember comrade protests are weapons too The very best weapons they cost nothing and properly used they create an odor a real onion odor Then you are opposed to kidnapping these spacemen Very well, I shall think about it. You could go general. Thank you comrade. Oh By the way, I have news for you. You have just been promoted to field marshal Thank you comrade Strength to onion strength to onion. See you at dinner. That's the carrots. I'll be there. That's the carrots a 30 sharp Hello secret police a general shallot has just left my office liquid I'm hungry. I wonder when they feed their prisoners in this lousy jail What difference does it make unless you have an appetite for bone meal? Ammonium sulfate and peat moss. Yes, I'm not hungry after all you shouldn't have shown in the label on the can old man That's what did it. Well, how could I tell I thought I'd be chicken consomme usually is just when I had the greatest Broadcast in history lined up now what there's a lady to see you miss Alice Not so loud Thank You sergeant. You can leave us now mind you miss Alice This is contrary to your father's orders and against my better judgment. Oh, I know sergeant But it's utterly divine of you. I shall be just outside scream if you need help You wouldn't hurt me would you Potter glad to have you aboard man? They say that you're dangerous vegetarians That you eat carrots. Do you really well you see ma'am? I don't believe it You're much too nice to eat poor little me. Thank you, ma'am. You know you yourself are a vegetarian miss Alice I am not I'm a vegetable. It's not the same thing at all. Well now just answer me this What will happen to you when you die? I'll be buried of course in the national compost heap From which the rich steaming soil is taken to nourish the young carrots, right? Of course Which then must have necessity feed upon your decayed flesh? Why of course why how madly amusing I really did eat my ancestors didn't I oh But I missed mother and father. I should hope so but now what could be more satisfying to a girl's psyche Then to have a father under her belt. Oh, you've been through analysis, of course, haven't you yes? Oh, it's so nice to be able to talk the same language isn't it my analyst says the trouble with me as my mother has a blue top Exactly the active competition of an adult parent. It tends to make me aggressive Kiss me Potter. What kiss me good Lord. Really? Are you afraid Potter? It isn't even spring I don't come into blossom till July. I know but am I not beautiful am I not to be desired by the Navy? Oh, yes, just indeed, but I could have your head Potter on a silver tray like Salome. I know but I could set you free Well for heaven's sake kiss her and get it over with now, but You smell so good like a grocery store. Oh, it's like April is this love Potter How can I feel this way about it carrot? I feel a strange heat Not like the Sun like a garden in the summer. I don't feel it all like a vegetable I wouldn't have thought it possible look how about getting us out of here The time is up folks. Oh Oh, yes, I suppose it is. Oh, but don't worry my darling. I'll be back. I'll be back quickly to set you free. You'll see Well, there's the Navy for you. What have you fellas got that I haven't got blossoms in our hair You really like the girl don't you? Yes. Well, now, of course, it's none of my business But what about Mrs. Potter? What about her? Oh, she isn't going to like this pretty vegetable of yours Coddle could you be jealous of a stalk of celery? I am not married. No, of course that does make a difference Oh, I wish we were safe at home. There's something frightening about being in love with a carrot You smell anything commander. No, it's funny it For a moment. I thought I smelled onion. That's not very likely. I don't know my eyes are watering mine, too You know, I do smell on you gentlemen Well, who are you? You are free gentlemen. She did manage it then this way hurry, please. Where is she? I can't see very well my eyes are full of tears. She's waiting for you. Just a minute commander. This isn't a carrot It's an onion. Take them comrades So you see gentlemen, we have no choice this takes for too high being no less than war or peace What are you talking about? Simply this command the pattern of the US Navy How do you make war? How do we do what make war? How do you destroy whole armies cities countries with all their inhabitants without at the same time annihilating yourselves Unfortunately, there is no blight that will make compost out of carrots without doing the same for onions I have to think of my people Bless you little father. Thank you spindles girl You see commander. We are still in the drawing board stage. We need technicians. Look at me my dear commander You must understand that the end justifies the means when onions rule the world Who would wish to be a carrot? I offer you an important place in history The only place I want to be is next to a girl with a carrot top who smells like a garden after rain Now now now let us not grow emotional But perhaps you are closer to her than you think Will you teach us to make war commander? You see I am giving you another chance opportunity rarely knocks so often I will not very well. Perhaps we will find a way to make you change your mind There is a little experiment I'm planning with a pot of boiling water How would you like to see your shall be say girlfriend? Floating about with only a marrow bone for company a quite excellent soup but eat my meat I believe it is called your bluffing. Am I we shall see spindle Yes, little father take these gentlemen to the solarium and entertain them Show them the vampire marigolds and the lizard eating only under and they might be amused to watch the muerte by and Digest its daily mouse. I warn you order all the United States Navy will not take this lying down Nor will CBS this way animals Send in the other prisoner Well, welcome in young lady. Don't be bashful. I won't eat you. What do you want with me? Why did you bring me here? I suppose you wouldn't care to tell me the whereabouts of the carrot ate army No, oh You so stupid so impulsive So desirable But so one co-operative By the way Your friend commander potter is here. He too has proven Uncooperative we may have to press him a little he wouldn't dare. He's being shown the muerte vines at this very moment Not the meat eaters. Why not the commander is meat. I believe no, no not that of course I could be persuaded to change my mind You have such lovely skin my dear some moist and tender You smell good too like a salad fragrant, but delicate what freshness what do you I adore you? I love you. You do not realize your situation one word from me. You are in the soup I would a thousand times or what is perhaps more to the point your friend mr. Potter is left alone with the vampire marigolds That fetches you you really care for him, don't you more than life all the better is much more exciting to make love to a woman Already in love that's a kind of seasoning as it were You you nettle you noise we blend it blend it so sweet and so hot almost like a Spanish onion Is this the way you make war on women and children war who's making war I'm making love Odious to me very well. We will try mr. Potter in the muerte You give up you give in Will he have a safe conduct back to my father? Yes. Yes, well, there'll be one for me later Write it out. But of course for mr. Potter a pass also for mr. Coddle and now for me Sally's Yes Spindle you will let the spacemen go and you will see that this lady is returned to her own people Later it shall be done little father Now divine creature at last you are mine. No, no stand back silly girl drop that paper knife and receive the kiss of the little father No It is that's a carrot kisses Potter potty thank heaven you're safe. You're crying. It's nothing nothing. It's only onion juice here Your passes go quickly both of you and you I must wait for a little while if I go with you now They'll be suspicious. No if we have to die then we'll die together Oh, no, no my dear Potter that wouldn't help my country or this little world or even me I've become very sensible Potter very realistic. Don't you see it doesn't matter about me, but you you Potter You're the hope of the future Look, I try to catch up to you at the frontier if I don't come be kind of carrot Potter for my sake Go now and God bless you. Come on Potter. We're on the air in an hour hurry hurry. They're coming back staying with you No, no my dearest Potter go go the world need you the universe need you come on Potter farewell then my dearest Alice I Ladies and gentlemen the bird and other species throughout the planetary system This is Jay Alexander Caudill bringing you the very first broadcast from Venus Through the courtesy of Caledonia oil surely white toothpaste Minus cleanest not beer and barn on dog food Excuse me a moment ladies and gentlemen there's some confusion here in the studio We've just received a bulletin What's that oh? No Alice in the suit And I'll need a pound of peas and a cauliflower You must be very happy to have your husband back again, Mrs. Potter And all those write-ups in the papers my goodness did it really get to Venus like they said I missed the broadcast Yes, he did a bottle of ketchup You know he looks a little thin in his pictures. I guess maybe they didn't have much to eat up there my guess not What was it like did he tell you he hasn't said much four dozen onions or doesn't that's right He eats them all the time raw raw They say onions are good for colds. I know there's lots of things like that like carrots make your hair curly Oh, he won't touch carrots. He won't not even cook not even cook I served a petite Marmy the other night and he got up and left the table No, now isn't that something a one sack of peat moss. What's that for? He he says he's got blossoms in his hair That'll be 347 Mrs. Potter. I'll have someone take them out to the car for you. Thank you. Goodbye now Blossoms in his hair In February the CBS radio workshop Produced in Hollywood by William M. Robeson has presented a pride of carrots or Venus well served by Robert Mason with the author as narrator a pride of carrots was adapted for the workshop by mr. Robeson who also Directed the production heard in the cast were Helene Burke June for a Tracy Roberts Dawes Butler Ted Bliss Richard Hale Alan Reed Sam Pierce and Bill Thompson the original score was composed and conducted by Jerry Goldsmith Next week from New York the workshop will examine that so often discussed and little understood subject the edifice complex With illustrations from Sophocles who first dramatized it to Eugene O'Neill who is by no means the last to prove its dramatic deaths For Mozart's concerto for piano and orchestra in a minor played by Robert Cacadesis and for Elizabeth Schwartz cups moving interpretations of songs by Richard Strauss Join us on Sunday when on most of these same stations world music festivals will be on the air with highlights from the famous Salzburg Festival Stay tuned for five minutes of CBS news to be followed over most of these same stations by my son Jeep America listens most to the CBS radio network