 Welcome to Art of Awakening. This is Ona. Thank you so much for joining me, and I am so excited today to have a very special guest. This is Stephanie McPhail. Stephanie is the expert in helping brilliant women date up. She's a certified dream coach, author, speaker, and Reiki practitioner. She specializes in thriving after unhealthy relationships. And after this crazy year of 2019 that a lot of us have just really gone through a lot of changes and releasing of stuff. And for a lot of us that does mean relationships. Some of us may still be in relationships that aren't healthy. And Stephanie has just an incredibly compelling story to share and as well as a lot of insight on how to move past and move forward out of an unhealthy relationship situation. Welcome Stephanie. I'm so glad to have you here. Thank you so much for having me. I'm glad to be here. Yeah. So you were you were sharing with me. You had just an amazing story, personal story that brought you to this place to being able to help others through healthy relationships. And I'm wondering if maybe we could just start with a just like a short just you know tell people kind of what what you went through to get here. Well, I spent 15 plus years going from one unhealthy relationship to another one. And the last one actually finished up with my first husband strangling me on our wedding night. And I stayed for five years. So I was able to you know see unhealthy relationships from the inside out. And so for five years, I basically was verbally abused, physically abused. And the interesting thing that I found was that with the strangulation with the pushing with the being spit on things like that, I wasn't realizing that that was physical abuse and which when you're on the outside, but on the inside, I wasn't getting punched. I wasn't didn't have any broken bones. I didn't have any of those things, which is what I thought physical abuse was. And then when I went to the violence organization to get their help, they were like held in 30 seconds being strangled. How do you not know that that's you know physical abuse? And it was that aha moment of oh, you're right, but you get so stuck in survival mode. And you know, whether or not it's physical abuse or emotional abuse, you get so stuck in survival mode that you don't even realize where you're at and how you got there. Wow. So you actually tried to strangle you on your wedding night. So that's like kind of going from a dream kind of and you had a dream wedding pretty much didn't you? I got married in a castle. I mean, that's where you get married, you know, and that was when he wanted to get married to this fancy place. And it was I had family from all over the really the world comes to visit us for this wedding. And it finished up with the most beautiful day and then like a nightmare with him strangling me and chasing me around the wedding suite for four hours. Make it fun. Yeah. And you stayed right for five years after that. And I want to just just point out like, like I've had nothing like that, right? But, but it was a relationship for a long time that the red flags popped up and then red flags popped up in there. I remember even my wedding wedding day or very close to it's like what's going on here and just ignoring it, right? And I think this goes also for other relationships outside of marriage too. But, but it's like, what was it that was kind of what was it that had you stay? What was it that that, you know, why do we stay in these relationships, right? When we're someone things that I found, you know, once I started sharing my story, I was almost sad to find out how common it is. And, you know, I was brought up going to church every Sunday, we went to church every Sunday, we helped, you know, be homeless and, you know, just do really nice things. But for me, once you got married, you stayed married and my parents that were not necessarily in the healthiest of relationships, they stayed married. And so, and, you know, the title of my book, being loved shouldn't hurt. For me, love was always anxiety provoking. It was uncomfortable. And so when I had love relationships, romantic relationships, and they were uncomfortable, well, that's what love is. So I was just trained from a young age to just assume that that's what what it was supposed to feel like. So even though things weren't going well, I thought, okay, well, it's uncomfortable. This is what it is. And I need to stay married because I afraid in front of, you know, God, and I need that I made that promise to be with him who's sick and help. So I need to, you know, hold on to that. And then of course, there were fears in myself of, you know, what are people going to say about me? How am I going to look? What are any of them are subconscious, you know, I always thought that I was such a strong independent woman, which I am. However, when it came to romantic relationships, there was definitely there was a lack of boundaries. There was a lack of self-esteem when it came to relationships. And, you know, there was all that training on how to say, and I was really good at coping with the unhealthy. Right, right. And it's not just women, is it? No, no, there's definitely, you know, and it's interesting because in for me growing up, it was more my father was more the co-dependent one. He was the one who would take care of it and all that. And then my daughter had some kind of undiagnosed mental health issue that definitely permeated through the relationship. So, you know, for some people it's, you know, there's a parent that's an alcoholic or a drug addict or they lose a parent at a young age. They have some kind of trauma that happens that teaches them to deal with these types of unhealthy relationships. And sometimes, you know, I was talking to my friend last night, she grew up, her parents are psychologists who came from a very warm loving family. But because of her insecurity, she was in unhealthy relationships. She was trying to figure out what love was. But the good thing that she had was because she came from such a stable family, even though she tested the waters of unhealthy, he didn't stay there. And I think that's like the big comparison is that a lot of us stay, you don't know any better. She knew, saw it and got out. Right, right. So tell me about those five years where you were in this relationship where any time you could be just have your life in danger, what was going on there? Well, I was, I'd be woken up at three o'clock in the morning with the lights being turned on and the sheets being pulled off of me. I had to clean the junk drawer. I mean, he would dump it out on the floor and tell me to clean it up. He would, you know, there were times where I threw him out. I would say, I can't, you know, he would, he would leave me places. We had, we had gone to a, some kind of concert and it was snowing and just terrible weather out. And he kept telling me that he was going to leave me on the side of the road. And I'm thinking almost like, please do because I'm going to call the police like, just get me out of this car. I'm so uncomfortable being in this car with him. But so I would throw him out. He would tell me he was getting therapy. He was getting work. He would seem like he was doing some, some good stuff. And he would play the part well of, of doing the right thing. And I would see him with his friends and I would think, oh, I wish he was like that with me, you know, maybe it's something that I'm doing wrong, but I'm causing him to behave this way. And so I changed this about myself because he would tell me, you know, we would go out. He would say, you know, people, people want to hear about what you have to say. You know, you speak too loudly. You have too much to say or too opinionated. And so all those things, I was touched for him. And so he was trying to do everything he could to bring me down. And I was allowed because I'm being security, but well, maybe I am much because I have not had a healthy relationship. So maybe it's just that I'm just glad in this way. And I just need to deal with someone like, thank goodness, he's here to help me, you know, change the bad part about me, you know, again, subconscious. But that was, and that was what it was. It was, you know, this back and forth, we got so used to the drama of the back and forth, that became our relationship. Wow. Right. And so what was it? How did you, what triggered you to finally leave the situation? Well, I had been feeling like I wanted to leave because I kept thinking, I can't live my whole life this way. This is not what I was supposed to do. And so I had spoken to a friend of who said, listen, he'll never think to come here. We don't talk a lot. And I said, okay. And so I was working a second job and he sent me a text message and said that he quit. And all I'm thinking is, oh my gosh, like you quit your job. How dare you. So I said, please sweetheart, go back and tell them that you made a mistake and thank for your job back. And he said, you know, I'm not going to repeat the exact word he said, because they weren't very nice. But he said, you know, just like typical Stephanie to not support her husband. I remember looking at that text message and thinking, all right, I'm done. I sent a message to my friend. I said, is that offer still open? She said, of course. And so the next day I took a bunch of my stuff and I moved out, even though it was my house. I was the one paying the mortgage. It was my house, but I didn't care. You know, I left my dogs, you know, there's, there's all those things were not that I wasn't worried about my dogs, but I was more concerned for my safety and I was more concerned with starting new and getting away from that situation where I knew that there was all these reasons to say that it was my house. There were my dogs, but he wouldn't leave. So I knew what was right for me and say, you know what, if you burn down the house, I don't care. If you, if something happens, it doesn't, it doesn't matter to me anymore. But for me, my life is important enough that I'm willing to put myself first for the first time, probably ever. Right. Wow. So, so, so what was the change in you to, to finally put yourself first and finally realize that you deserve better? Well, you know, I think my mom had said something to me that I felt was really, really magical and what she said. And it kind of sad at the same time that she said, you know, do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? And she said, I, and she basically told me that she had been living in an unhappy marriage, which was obvious. I knew, and she said, you can't get that time back. So when you're on your deathbed, do you want this to be your life? And, you know, she said, and I was, of course, I was like, no, I don't, but then it just kept kind of just bringing in my head, like it was kept repeating over and over again. And I kept thinking, I, no, I don't, I know that there's something more. I know that there's, there's something else for me. And, you know, I had to let go of, because I was 34, but I remember thinking to myself, okay, this is how I felt. I felt like I was getting older and I wasn't going to be able to have the family and get married and do all that kind of stuff. And, but I remember thinking at 34, I was like, wait a minute, I felt this way at 31, I felt this way at 32, 33, here I am 34. I feel exactly the same way. I just feel so unhappy and feeling like there's so much more for me. I'd rather be alone than with someone where I feel so alone. And that was where, like, and that was where I said, you know what, okay, that's all the things that I need to do to really start changing my life. Wow. Yeah. So, so, so you left and then what brought you to this place where you've actually, because there's always like, in any kind of challenge, there's always this point where it's like this turning point, right? But then there's this point where you can actually take this amazing experience and incredibly challenging experience and, and bring it back to help others or to, there's always a gift in there. Oh, there was a huge gift. And so what's interesting is that after that, a few months later, I actually ended up getting a DWI. And I had gone out with a friend, I had too much to drink, so I sat in my car because I knew that I couldn't drive. And you can get arrested for sitting in your car because your keys in the ignition is called intent to drive. So even though I wasn't driving, I got a DWI. But then I was put on probation, I had to have one of the breathalyzers in my car. So that happened, I had a probation officer I had to talk to. My grandmother passed away. I started dating a new guy, he ghosted me, he disappeared. I got a blood clot in my arm. And I fell into a depression, like I lost my tongue, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. It was awful. And then I got pink eye, and then ankle. Oh yeah, yeah. So your whole life basically fell apart, right? Awful. This is the space of how long? In like three months. Right. And I was like, this is supposed to be good. I left horrible. And this is what's happening, like what the universe is doing to me. Like I was so, didn't understand. And I, you know, I'm in this depression. And I have this sprained ankle. And of course, you know, I sprained my ankle at work. And the person who was on my sheet for emergencies was my ex-husband. So they called him. And so now the hospital, the emergency room is my ex-husband, my swollen ankle, and the doctor. And all of a sudden it was like I heard a voice that said, you are your own knight in shining armor. I kept looking for someone else to come save me. And in that exact moment with tears and like this weird laughter, I was like, I get it. I get it. It was me. I'm the one who needs to fix this. I can't wait for someone else to come and save me. So in that moment of my sprained ankle, the depression, it was like it turned off. And it was able to, it was almost like the world was brighter. You know, it's like I could see white light coming out of like certain people. And there were certain poles that I started to feel. And I started to, if it felt good, I did it. I started to surround myself with people that were healthy and healthy relationships. And, you know, I traveled cross country with one of my friends. And, you know, I just did all these things that were great for me. And I had such a great time. And that was really what I had a therapist. And then I had actually, and I said, you know, I think I want to start a business, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. So I had gotten a coach to help me with business. And so that combination, along with getting the right support from family and friends that were healthy, was amazing in my transformation. And then I was able to attract my best friends, who is now my husband, and we have two beautiful children together. Wow, that is just such a beautiful story and such a beautiful transformation. And just, I don't know if you can tell me a little bit about your spiritual journey in there, how that ties in. Because you just, you did mention the hearing this voice or sounds like you had an awakening in there. Yeah, the guy who ghosted me, that, you know, the reason why the universe put him in front of me was because he helped me reconnect to my spirituality. And was really interested in, like he followed a few people. I don't know if you've heard like parents McKenna or, you know, I was just saying Hicks, like the other people that just really talk about the commonality of human beings, how we're all interconnected. You know, it changed. I had grown up growing a church every Sunday and I'd never felt as connected. And for some reason, I had kind of pulled away from that. And so when I started, when I was going through my depression and whatever, I just kept watching all these videos on basically spirituality. And so I was really interested in that. And so that I became the Reiki practitioner and, you know, and, and now to this day, even when I teach my clients, I'm looking at your healing from a physical health, you know, emotional health, social health and spiritual health. We need really all parts of that in equal, really be healthy. And so, you know, for someone, it might be going to church, but me, it was, it was spirituality. Just that sense that we are all connected. We are all here together to help each other on our journey. Right. Right. And that's, yeah, beautiful. Because another thing I was noticing is like you, you're talking about your friend who helped you and your mother who, you know, gave you that insight and your, your ex-boyfriend and all these people around you because we don't do it in the vacuum. Yeah. And now you're taking that role as well. So what led you to, to this specifically, you just kind of, well, the coaching actually was interesting. I had decided, so I decided I wanted to start a business, but I wasn't sure what my role in the business was going to be. So I spoke to someone who had a float tank. I had a therapist friend. I had a friend who did massage and I had a friend who was a nutritionist and I talked to all them and I said, let's get together and let's make a business. And so they were like, yeah, sure. But the problem with creating a business with a bunch of other people is they did not as much have the vision as I did or the tenacity. So, you know, they were not as good at being on top of things. And I still wasn't sure what my role was going to be. So I went to this training in California. I live in New York and I went to this training in California, a business weekend training. And there was a woman talking about coaching and I was thinking, oh my gosh, that's what I need to do. I'm a crisis blur. I've been in education for at that point 15 years. You know, I have all this great background. If I can be a coach, that's what I need to do. And it was like this aha moment again, you know, we get these moments where it's like, oh, that's what it is. And so I took her course and then was, you know, certified as a dream coach. And then from there on out, it's just been kind of a journey of what feels right, you know, where it's leading me. And that's what got to brilliant women dating up because when I started speaking to clients, it was a lot of women who were very strong, independent go-getters, terrible partners. And so it's an epidemic. There's so many of us out there just choosing women that are choosing down, we're choosing people that are not even our realm of ability. And then we're forced to happen for a lot of you know, whether we feel bad for them or we don't feel good about ourselves or you know, or those type of good guys don't exist. We have all these different reasons why we choose these unhealthy partners. And then we try to force it to work. We wonder why it happens. Right. And there's a lot of self-blame too. And a lot of like you had mentioned and I had experience. It's like, what am I doing wrong? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So, so when you work with people, I know we've got limited time here. I'm just wondering if you can just speak to anybody who might be listening to this, who's maybe in that place right now, who's you know, sort of maybe feeling trapped or feeling like how, how, what happened to this, you know, I thought I was in this dream relationship and it's a nightmare. From the reposition now, it almost like, it's almost like speaking back to your prior self, right? But, but there's so many of us out there. What words of advice would you give them? I would, I would say two different things. One is feel the, feel the pain or the fear and act anyway. I mean, and that's the big advice I give to my clients all the time is it's very if I'm comfortable, but what's worse, staying there or getting out. And you, you are only one who can answer that question. And then, you know, what do you, what is your, what is your goal? What is it that you're looking to achieve in your life? And if it's not there in that place, I used to think that happy relationships were not for someone like me. You know, I thought, well, it's for those people. You know, this is just not the lifetime where I'm going to get to experience a happy, healthy relationship. And I can tell you that it's not only possible, but that's really what the unit wants for you. The universe wants you to be happy, healthy relationship because being with my best friend adds to my life. It doesn't take it away. And that's, that's a big part that I think a lot of people feel like, well, I don't want to be a relationship because it takes away. Well, that's the wrong relationship. So it's possible, but it's not possible to stay where you are. So you have to feel the fear act anyway. And I promise you that it's better on the other side. Beautiful, beautiful. So you have a retreat coming up, right? You mentioned Costa Rica, I think. Costa Rica, we're going to be there February 15th for the 22nd. It's just going to be a whole group of women that are all in there together to heal and learn and get the tools to make 2020 their best year yet. Beautiful. I mean, it's culminating on 2022, 2020. I mean, that, that is an angel number if I ever heard one. Do you have any insights on that particular number for this particular? Well, it's interesting because that's what, you know, the people who I'm doing this retreat with, I had sent a message months before and they, they got in touch with me and said, Hey, do you want to do a retreat? And I was like, I don't, I don't know. I, I maybe, and then I started thinking about it and I started talking to them and I was like, okay, well, what are the dates? And so they told me the dates and I was like, yeah, of course now I have to do it because that's right. Yeah. So about transformation and, you know, becoming the best version of you and, you know, it's just like the new growth and all those, those good things. And so I, yeah, I said, you know, without even thinking about how I was going to do it, I just said, yes. And for a lot of times in my life, like that's what I feel like, you know, and probably for your listeners and what viewers as well, when it feels right, say yes, just say yes. Yes. And I've had that too many times in my life. It's like something felt right and it's like, I didn't have the money or didn't have the time or whatever, but it's like jump on it because if you get that super, now there's always the opposite where things like, you know, want to pressure you. So there's a difference in feeling between like feeling pressure and, oh, I got to jump on it or feeling like that expanse of, oh my gosh, that kind of like pull. Yeah. The pull. The pull. Yeah. The pull is, I feel it from my chest and it like pulls me in that direction. And so I just actually go, go in that direction. Yesterday I was talking to this guy and I, there was a guy that I saw and I can, this word came popped up in my head, surgeon. And so I went up to him, I said, are you a surgeon? And he starts laughing and I'm like, oh, he's like, no, I'm an advertising, I do magazines. He's like, but my last name is Spurgeon. Oh, that's weird. I just allow it. Like when I get those feelings, I just, you know, in the beginning I remember thinking before I'd reconnected to my spiritual self, I would just hear those or feel those things and I would kind of ignore it. But I have my guide. Like that's what I need to listen to and follow. Follow that. I mean, now I'm writing an article for him and I'm doing like all this because I was like surgeon. He's like surgeon. That is so awesome. All right. So how do people find you if they want to know more? The best way to get in touch is go to our website being loved shouldn't hurt.com. And you can read all about Costa Rica and all the other great stuff that we're doing. We're actually later on today, we're going to be doing a big day of Facebook Live's educational series in our new group, really women dating up. So we'd love to have you if this resonates for you or if you know someone that it does, you know, feel free to share it with them as well. Perfect. So this is Stephanie McPhail being loved shouldn't hurt.com and you've got a Facebook group too. Thank you so much for joining me and joining us today. It's been a real pleasure. Just amazing story, amazing energy that you're bringing. So I so appreciate your time and looking forward to keeping connected. Yes. Okay. All right. I'm going to go ahead and stop the recording here and we'll catch you again soon.