 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott & Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go to the Abbott & Costello Show! Yes, it's the Abbott & Costello Show. We're doing some fast drives in Hollywood for your listening pleasure, with Merrick Bynell and Williamson Music by Maddie Malvin. So, hold on to your chairs, folks. Here they are. What happened, man? Oh, Costello! Hey! I'll stop that killing. Where have you been all afternoon? Oh, Abbott, I went to my Uncle Joe Basel's wedding. He married a bearded tattoo lady in the church. The bearded tattooed lady. Yeah, Uncle Joe, he's always been crazy about jungle pictures. But I knew he was gonna marry a fortune-teller. Tell her to call me for ten dollars. Alright! Leave me on the dog for a second! Just go. You mean to tell me to the fortune-teller? Oh, I didn't mean to. He's gonna straighten it out! You mean to tell me to a fortune-teller charge you ten dollars just to read your mind? No, one dollar for reading my mind and nine dollars for finding it. Never mind that. What does Uncle Joe do for a living? Well, he's a babysitter. How does he get started with a babysitter? Well, one night a woman asked him to sit with her baby, and then she went out and never came back. Who was the woman? His first wife. That's awful. Yes, for twenty-five cents an hour she owes him twelve thousand dollars. I'll pay. One night he was sitting with a baby and the kids wanted a bottle of D.G.T. My goodness! What did Uncle Joe do? Well, he threw the baby over his shoulder and burped him. What happened? The kids told him he'd fly within ten miles. Oh, get him out! There's a sample of a high-grade dog vent you'll be hearing for the next half hour. Before we get back to it, listen to this. Did you know that any listener may now have an opportunity to appear as a contestant on Break the Bank? That's right. Any listener. As you probably know, ABC's Break the Bank is that very popular Friday night play show, where contestants try for a jackpot which is always worth at least thousand dollars and often much more. Well, recently, Break the Bank inaugurated a new feature whereby listeners are eligible to enter their names in a giant wishbowl. Winners will not only get an opportunity to break the bank, but they also receive free airplane or railroad transportation for two, two and from New York, as available. In addition, each wishbowl winner will live in a suite in a famous New York hotel from Friday until Sunday, and he or she will be given $150 spending money besides any amount received on the show. For all the details on this wonderful wishbowl here, Break the Bank when it broadcasts over most ABC stations tomorrow night. And now back to ABC's Abboton Cuskello Show. Can Daymy ever see? She's even got warts on her nose. You can talk louder, Abbot. She's deaf, too. That's enough. Can you possibly do the rest of the girl like that? I don't know, Abbot. Her face hushed. Everywhere I go, I see her face. I see her face when I'm awake. I see her face when I'm asleep. I even see her face when I get to go to get my car wash at the wash rack. Like you, too. I see her face. How can you see her face when you take your car to the wash rack? She works there. She's on Huptet. How did you ever get acquainted with this girl? She's one of my millions of women picture fans. Well, you ought to get out of pictures, Cuskello. I can't have it. I just point my many millions of women fans. Millions? Millions? Millions? Well, thousands of women would be disappointed. Thousands of women? There are hundreds of women who would feel badly about it. My mother would raise canes. Why don't you stop running around and get yourself engaged to some nice girl? You know, do you know how to get engaged? Well, yes, I heard it on the radio. They said if you want to get engaged, use woodberry soap. So I bought 12 cakes. Did you get engaged? Heck no, I was so busy washing I didn't have time. Would you please talk, then? Whatever happens if that little red-headed manager is who we're going with? He insulted me, Abbot. Highly insulted me. What do you mean? For my birthday, she gave me a Boy Scouts night. Well, that's not an insult. Sure. Anybody knows I wouldn't like a Boy Scouts night. Oh, stop. I suppose you've got a date with some silly girl again tonight. I can't go out tonight, Abbot. I lost my wallet. Are you sure you lost your wallet? Yeah. You'd better look in your pocket again. Okay. Mm-hmm. Oh. Nope. Nope. No wallet, but here's a note. What does the note say? It says, you lost your wallet last night. You can have it back by calling 885 Sunset Boulevard. Here, bring your friends. My roommate is reading this over my shoulder. Have you ever heard that notice from two girls? Forget about it. And quit running around with women. Why don't you take up tennis or golf? Oh, tennis or golf? Yeah. Don't you know what good clean fun is? No. What good is... All right. Now, take me for instance. I play golf every day. This afternoon, I play 18 holes with Eddie Lamar. That girl handles her eyes. I would see what the woods. All right? I don't know. She stayed out on the fairway the whole day. Show me where it's at, Mr. Crisp. Get back over there. Where do you get that kind of dialogue? Never mind. I have a very, very clever laughing. What the hell? Just never mind. I'm entitled to have a joke once in a while. We've got lots of jokes in my family. That was one of my father's jokes. Oh, you? One of your mother's jokes? I'm looking for Luca Cello. I represent the Father's Day Committee of Cucamonga. I'm Luca Cello. What does the Father's Day Committee want with me? The people of Cucamonga have elected you as the father of the year of Cucamonga. This means Father's Day, and I don't even live in Cucamonga. That's good. The farther you stay away from Cucamonga, the better we like it. I've seen that fellow's face before. I'll tell you where you can see it again. Where? Any place near the State Unemployment Insurance Office. You're starting this business? That's right, Cucamonga. I don't have to work. I'm the most independent man in town. What makes you so independent? I gotta use car for sale. That's got you up, Cucamonga. You better watch out. Watch out that you don't wind up at an unemployment office. Ah, don't you worry about that. But I don't have to worry about working. My girl got a job this week with the Los Angeles Bus Company. Your girl is a lady bus driver? She started Monday. She opens the door. She takes the fare. She makes the change. She does that fare first. She calls up the streets. She tells the people to move back on the bus. Yes. Next week she's gonna learn to drive. Well, have you got a driver's license? Yes, I got a junior driver's license. What's a junior driver's license? That only allows you to hit midget. The California driver's laws are very strict, especially about pedestrian zones. Now, when you see a pedestrian crossing the safety zone, what do you do? You aim at all the other California drivers? You step on a gas, you place them up on a sidewalk, what do you want? You put them down, they can't out of the way. All right, I don't like you for this. Come on, sweep up the floor, disinfect the microphones, pee up the place, and throw out that garbage can over there. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. A garbage can? That's a blue castella, my friend. I was right the first time. Throw that garbage can out of here. Another thing, what's the idea of cooking corns and cabbage in this studio? It smells terrible. Nobody was cooking corned beef and cabbage. This is the average castella program. Confusing, isn't it? Isn't it? Oh, not when you like corned beef and cabbage. That's it, it's not a complaint to the president of ABC. What way does this not-pedest nikkaboot gotta come in here and try to disrupt our program? Now, just a minute. Just a minute. Not-pedest, are you trying to create the impression that I'm bald? Brother, if you ain't bald, somebody give you a haircut with a bare midriff. I'll straighten this out. What are you doing in this studio? The rabbit, I work for ABC. I've worked here for 12 years. I run the elevator. Wait a minute. There's no elevator in the building. Go on, loudmouth. Tell the boss, make me lose my job. Don't stand there. Tell him. Have him kick me off the payroll. Oh, not just a minute, mister. Aren't you ashamed of yourself, accepting money for doing nothing? Accepting money for doing nothing. How long have you been in radio? 10 years. Look who's talking. Collision, you. I mean, this guy is not only bald. He's ugly. He's broken down. But despite all that, the stuff about him that's been posted. Why, I guess so. Mister, why have you interrupted our show? Do you remember? I have a very important announcement to make. Ladies and gentlemen, the American Broadcasting Company and the sponsors of the Abbot & Costello Show proudly present direct from the recent times in London, England, that great singing star, Miss Marilyn Williams. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you, Floyd. Floyd? Well, I'll keep down. Floyd? Well, I'll keep down. Floyd? Floyd? Well, even along, Goddella. Miss Williams, welcome to our program. I'm sure our listeners are going to love you, and I hope you will like me and my boss. But, old chap, I think your top hole and I think Costello is positively ripping. I knew I shouldn't have worn those tight pants. No, no, no, no, Costello. That's just an English expression. English have a different customs than ours, you know. What do you mean? Well, for instance, in this country, if a girl sneezes, you say goodnight. If an English girl sneezes, you kiss her. That's all I want to know. Mr. Costello? Ma'am, I didn't sneeze. Why, wait until the last minute. My, Mr. Costello, why did you ever learn to pucky your lips like that? I used to threaten needles for my grandmother. And, Miss Williams, we have some gifts for you to bid you. Thank you. Welcome to America. First, please accept this beautiful diamond ring. Here, I'll slip it on your finger. Oh, it's divine. You may kiss my finger. Now, may I place this beautiful bracelet on your arm? Thank you. You may kiss my wrist. And now, this loveliness. Oh, thank you. You may kiss me on my neck. All right, Costello, now it's your turn. I pass. Why? I bought a pair of shoes. Oh, you're so droll, Mr. Costello. But for being so nice to me, I'm going to write to His Majesty and have him make you a knight of the bar. Don't do it. Why not? It's easy to see that you've never been to England, Mr. Costello. There's a copy of it all the time. My pictures on one side and the king's pictures right next to it. So it is. Can you see what it says on my picture? Costello comes to England and tells his famous duke. But look what it says under the king's picture. What? God saved the king. Miss Williams, did you have a nice trip here to America? Oh, rather. You know, I crossed the Atlantic on a clean merit. I didn't know the old girl could swim that far. But before I get too sick, let me interrupt you for another reminder on a serious subject. Did you know there's a network quiz show where listeners compete for a big jackpot prize by telephoning the program? That's right. The listeners phone in collect. And that program is What My Name. Broadcast of most of these ABC stations each Saturday night. Here's how it works. At the end of What My Name, you hear the voice of a famous personality. Then listeners of a certain selected city, and it may be yours, are invited to telephone in the name of the owner of that voice. The first correct answer wins the jackpot. It's a lot of fun, even if your city isn't the selected one. But the fun doesn't start with a jackpot collection. You'll also enjoy hearing video contestants play What My Name. As MC, Darlene Francis, and Carl Frank post the questions. They pretend to be famous people and give such a clue as to their identity. They ask for swell quiz fun. Don't miss What My Name, heard over most of these stations Saturday night. Now back to ABC's Aberdeen Costello Show. Come on, Abbott, now let's get going. Now wait a minute, Costello. Let's turn it on the spotlight. Let's turn it on on our singing gal for me. Oh, that's great for us, and it's great for everybody listening. Here she is, folks. Marilyn Williams with Maddie Malmick's music. Nobody else could be up to the mystic eyes of the part you hit the car reading that you did so well. Everybody up there, wait a minute. What's the idea of coming out here, humming Merry Christmas? Christmas is nearly two months away. Why did you say Merry Christmas? That's material, Abbott. Now, if anybody says Merry Christmas on a radio, they stole it from us. What? Don't be silly, Costello. Nobody can steal our material. That's all for your information. Mr. Milton Berle did a joke last week that we're going to use next Thursday. How can you say that in purring that we would stoop to low as we use other comedians' jokes? Well, why, we can go on for years and years with our own stuff. Why don't we do it? Okay, let's go. You start. Okay, here I go. Fox and Costello. Well, that didn't take long. Let's get back to the other guy's joke now. Now, the trouble is, you know what I'm saying? Instead of taking up new jokes, you spend all your time taking girls. I saw your last fight with that redhead. Yes, what a girl. Have it all night long. She gets to on my ear off. You mean she talks too much? Nope, she just stooped my ear off. I understand she's a Spanish dancer. Yep, she does a very unusual dance. She dances all around the brim with a hat and a lipstick with her heels. Well, what's unusual about that? Lots of Spanish dancers dance on the top of a Mexican hat. Well, it's still on the Mexican's head. Right. Well, Costello, no. No one but a silly girl like that would go out with you. Now, take me. I get the better of looking at your girls because I'm handsome. Have it. I don't like to hurt your feelings. But since you brought it up, I gotta tell you, you are the youngest of me, man, I ever saw. I'm ugly. I'm the one that makes me wish I had a heat cut. So I said, look at you and get scared. Well, anyway, you've got to admit, I'm a pretty classy girl. Uh-huh. Come to think of it, Adam, you were wearing pinch fast suits long before any other follow. That's right. Long after one too. And the one with Claire. That's fair. I'm the one with Claire. When I went to school, the girls used to flock around me like flies around a pot of honey. Yes, and I'll have to admit, you haven't changed much. I haven't a bad habit. No, you've lost a little of the honey, but you've still got the pot. It's a cello. I have to confess you, Norman, why do you keep coming in here every week? Well, I want to ask you something, Mr. Ciccero. My mother told me that if I watched you, you had a fun habit going through. Well, you're the boy in pain. What's going on my Norman? I want to ask you something, Mr. Ciccero. My mother told me that if I watched you all the time, before I knew it, I'd be an actress just like you. You think these lies had your mother's right, Norman? You might end up being just like me. Now, kid, and I thought you'd just tell me that to scare me. That's a nice boy, folks. Ciccero told me that it would only take two more years to make a moron out of him. Have it. Why don't you get that bum home? Ciccero, don't you call that actor a bum. Mr. Ciccero, call that bum an actress. Don't ever mind that. Norman stays on the show. He's got Ciccero. And don't forget that we have 200 women in this audience every week and every one of them wants to be loud. You need to stand there and tell me that there are 200 women out there right now that want to be loved. Yes. And I'm up one of them! Ciccero, how can you be so stupid? Every day you add more stupidity to your anger. How do you do it? And my uncle Mike thinks right of me too. We're worried about him at all day long. He runs around the house and tackles me. He thinks he's a chicken. He thinks he's a chicken when you get him out of the house and send him to a hospital. We would, but we need the aid. Oh, thanks. I have a fan letter for one of my listeners. I'll read it. I'll see how I'm going to read it. Dear Luke Ciccero. Tell me that sounds like a burning building, doesn't it? Dear Luke Ciccero. I have a listening to your Sam's Civil Dejective Series. And I want to say you are wonderful. Last week when you played Sam's Civil Dejective Series I pushed it out and grew simple. I'm coming over to see in person tonight. Hello, someone outside to see us. Who is it? A goose with simple. I'm doing Sam's Civil Dejective Series. Well, go ahead. You tell us. What is your Sam's Civil Dejective Series for tonight? I will do one of my most famous pages. I call it the case of the murderous floors or they caught him with his plants down. I'm Sam's Civil Dejective. It's warm in my little office. It's been warm and sticky all afternoon. On my way to the office, I ran into Harry the Mug, Joe the Mug, and Frankie the Mug. It's really been a muggy day. When I got here this morning, I took the elevator up to my office. Mr. Civil! Mr. Civil, I'm the elevator boy. Will you please give me back my elevator? Will you please give me back my elevator? Hello, brother boy. I just got the character. Yesterday he was arrested for feeding pigeons in the park. He was feeding them to his family. I love pigeons. I had a pet pigeon one. My fourth pigeon had trouble walking. He was steeple-toed. It's time to get to work on my latest page. I walk over to my old top desk. Get loose. It's terrible. It's terrible. Someone ate the rose off the top of the desk. I turn towards the window. That tall girl walks past. I see her face through by the window. I know she must be a tall girl. My office is on the ninth floor. I peek out of the window. What a girl. What a figure. She's perfect for a man. Too bad she's a girl. I hear a sneaky footsteps approaching. It's Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad. He's a tip-toeing into the office. Abbott's a cheat sheet. The only thing he ever tips is his nose. Hello, Sam Devil. Hello, Lieutenant Abbott. My bosom friend. Hey, my new Sam Devil. We're beginning to sound like Abbott because he's a fellow. Heaven forbid. I understand woman's care. I don't mind seeing him, but you're putting up my cigar. I think of the lady. It's my husband. His life is in danger. I'm so terrible. You've got to keep me alive. I've got to live till Sunday afternoon. I've got to stay alive till Sunday afternoon. Why must you live till Sunday afternoon? Stop the music they call me, it's my song. You do? What is? I'll take this watch. That man was about to tell the name of the Mr. Song on the stop for music when he was stopped. I wonder who got it. Well, this was earlier, he doesn't look like an Abbott, but there was one man who'd had a good motive. Oh, Red Island. I don't know if you're yet. Right now, they want you to hear this. There's a story of a lend-a-sew fight plan to listen to Cavill's data of the most ADC faces. It's the story behind the first broadcast of a heavyweight championship bout to one between Jack Dempsey and George Covindare. Radio was then in its infancy and temporary broadcasting station was set up at the nearest railroad depot in a shack used by Pullman Forders. The producer announced to the show editor the arena early in order to set up his microphone. However, because he'd already handed in his ticket, he couldn't leave and so he spent the entire day without food. The famous broadcast went off all right. Certainly was a far cry for maybe these present-day regular Friday night fight casts in which technical problems are well-mapped out in advance in exciting bout to try back with John Dunphy and Bill Thorom. Here's a vivid account of this week's most important fight on Cavill's team of sports tomorrow night. And now for final words from ABC's Abbott and Costello Joe. Well, Costello, you want me to drive you home? No, two girls for the night. Well, one of the girls. Every time I try to kiss a kisser, she just don't. And the other one, every time I try to kiss her, she just stops. Then why bother taking them both out? Put them together if they say, don't stop. Oh, good night. It's time for another great Abbott and Costello show. Produced and subscribed in Hollywood by Charles Vander and picturing Marilyn Williams and Maddie Malek in his orchestra. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on This is ABC, The American Broadcasting Company.