 The Jack Benny Program. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. You said it. Lucky strike means fine tobacco, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Always those words will mean much to you, for quality is always your first concern, and lucky strike quality remains steadfast. Today as always, lucky strike selects and buys the finer, the lighter, the naturally milder lucky strike tobacco. That's why lucky strike means fine tobacco. At 40, at 40, at 40, at 45, sold American. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. A fourth Air Force base, we bring you the lucky strike program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester and yours truly, Don Wilson. With an excitement of the recent hectic election, there has been a terrific left down. And here he is. This is Jack Benny talking, and you're right, Don. This past election really was exciting, wasn't it? Sure was, Jack. What a close race. 24,307,598 for Roosevelt, 21,224,407 for Dewey, and two for Jack Benny. Yes, sir. Two, now wait a minute, Jack. I know you voted for yourself, but where'd the other vote come from? I've got friends, brother. I've got friends. Well, here we are at the Army Airfield at Murock, and I've got an idea. These boys want real impromptu entertainment, so let's forget the script and give them an informal show. You mean you're going to Ad Lib? Sure, I'll make up the jokes as I go along. Here, take my script. Okay. Now watch the real Benny operators. Well, fellas, watch me Ad Lib here. Well, fellas, here we are up at Murock, located in the middle of the desert, which reminds me when I got here, I took a girl for a walk in the desert, and even the sage gave me the brush. Get it? The sage brush? Who needs a script? You do, and here it is. All right, wise guy, but I still think that I can... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, fellas. I like it up here at Murock. Oh, did you see that Japanese battleship right in the middle of the desert? Yeah. When Halsey hits him, there's no telling where they're going to land. You know, that could happen, Mary, but this ship was especially built for target practice. So was the Japanese Navy. You said it, but Mary, just look at that audience. You ever see such a fine bunch of boys, and you notice they're all wearing ribbons for good conduct? Well, up here, what else can they do? I guess you're right, Mary. Oh, say, Jack, did you know that we've been invited to stay for dinner after the show? For dinner? Here? Well, no, I can't do it, Mary. See, Rochester's preparing dinner at home for me. But, Jack, last year, when we were here, you stayed for dinner, remember? After your show, they gave a barbecue, especially for you. Some barbecue, a coyote with an apple in its mouth. Barbecue. Oh, Jack, where would they get a coyote around here? Are you kidding? Let me tell you something, Mary. Last night, about midnight, when all was dark and quiet, about 10 coyotes sneaked into the mess hall and ate up all the K-rations. Well, how did the coyotes get past the guard? Past the guard? Who do you think gave them the can opener? Say, that was pretty good, wasn't it, Don? Sure was, Jack. Sure was. You see, you do a lot better when you stick to your script. Uh, what are you talking about, Don? Well, at the start of the show, Jack told me to hold the script while he did some ad-libbing. Jack ad-libbing? Ha-ha-ha! What are you laughing at, Mary? Ad-libbing. Last week, Jack went for a physical examination, and when the doctor told him to open his mouth and say, ah, he had a scent for his rider. Scent for his rider, scent for his rider. Don, this whole thing wouldn't happen if you didn't open your big, fat mouth. You could show me a little gratitude for the $1,000 a week I'm paying you. You paid Don $1,000 a week? I hired him by the pound. Hey, did you hear what I just said? That's a terrific joke. What a beauty. What a sensational gag. Why, Jack Benny, I heard Fed Allen on a program Thursday night, and he told that same joke. He did? You know he did. We were both listening to the radio at the time. Oh, yeah? Whose radio was it? Yours. Well, anything that comes out of my radio is mine. Anyway, mine isn't a joke. I did hire Don Wilson by the pound. Well, for heaven's sake, how could you go into such a stupid deal? It wasn't stupid when I made it. Well, 12 years ago, Wilson looked like Sinatra. And if he doesn't stop eating, all that kind of stuff. Hiya, Jackson. Okay, fellas, make with a patty cake. Harris is here. What kind of an entrance is that? Make with a patty cake. These fellas aren't children, you know. They're men. They've seen life. You mean they haven't always been in Murock? Well, that's no way to talk about a place that's doing so much good. You're not kidding, Jackson. You know, I've only been here one day, and it made a new man out of me. What? Yes, sir. I ain't touching another drop as long as I live. You're kidding. Not me, Jackson. Now, I've heard of seeing pink elephants and two-headed tigers. But what I've seen today would make W.C. Fields vote for prohibition. Phil, what are you talking about? Well, I was driving along, minding my own business. See, when all of a sudden, there it is. I closed my eyes, shaped my head, opened my eyes again, but it's still there. What's still there? What did you see? A battleship right in the middle of the desert. Phil, do me a favor and sit down, will you? Oh, you're ashamed of me, huh? Well, I'm not as bad as some of these guys around here. What? I only saw the battleship. They were shooting at it. A battleship in the desert for target practice. That's how they run it. Mary, don't explain it to them. Phil, if you feel up to it, I wish you'd stand up in front of your band and scare your boys through two choruses of... Come in. Mr. Benny. Yes? On behalf of the boy station here at Murock, I want to present you with this hand grenade. Hand grenade? Yes. Hold it in your right hand, pull out the pin, count ten, then change hands. Thank you, I will. I wonder if I should pull it now or wait until after the show. Oh, well, go ahead and play, Phil. What's the difference? Parts of You Broken played by Phil Harris and is makes you wanna, but you wouldn't dare because it's against the law orchestra. They fill after the broadcast, we're gonna do another show, so have your boys stick around. You two, Mary. Okay. And now, fellas. I think I'll change it to my low-cut evening gown. Phil, that's Mary's line. Oh, oh, oh. Low-cut evening gown. You know, if you'd get here early enough for rehearsal once in a while, you wouldn't make those mistakes. Well, I couldn't help it, Jackson. I started out early enough, but I got lost in Rosemont. How can you get lost in Rosemont when there's nothing there but two stores in a bowling alley? Maybe he went up the wrong alley. Mary, please. That's exactly what happens. Now, cut that out! Imagine getting lost in Rosemont. That town is so small, the city limit signs are back to back. That's a small town around here, folks. Oh, really, I know because I walked through Rosemont this morning. That's right, fellas. As I came through, I saw Jack standing in front of the bowling alley smoking a cigar. What? What did you say, Don? I said you were standing in front of the bowling alley smoking a cigar. A cigar? Why, Don Wilson, I was smoking a lucky-striked cigarette. You should have been, Jack, but I saw you with my own eyes and you were smoking a cigar. I was smoking a lucky-striked cigarette. You were smoking a cigar! Now, wait a minute, Don, I had the cigarette inside the cigar. So there. Well, why in the world would you put a cigarette inside of a cigar? Because it was raining and shut up. You're just trying to get my job. Anyway, Don, we're out in the desert, so what you saw was a mirage. And with men who know mirage is best, it's luckies two to one. Very good, Don. Very good. Our little fight worked out for the best. Now, let's get back to the... Oh, darn it. Come in. Yes? This is a liver letter from Mary Livingston. I'll take it, boy. Here's a tip for you. Oh, gee, a nickel. Now I can do my Christmas shopping. Christmas shopping with a nickel. What a cheap guy. You know, he's got a peculiar voice for a boy. Oh, yes, here it is, Mary. Thanks. Who's it from? Oh, look. It's from Mama. Yeah? Read it, Mary. Uh, Plainfield, New Jersey, November 8th, four o'clock. Grew and watch time. What? Tick tock. All right, read the letter. Yeah, let's hear it, Mary. Okay. My darling daughter, Mary, just a short note to let you know that Papa and I are feeling well and want to thank you for the check you sent us on our wedding anniversary. Well... Just think, we've been married 37 years, and Papa keeps telling me that I'm as beautiful now as I was the day he married me. He's so sweet about it, sometimes I feel guilty about hiding his glasses. Oh, sweet, hiding his glasses. I got a letter from your cousin Willie, who is now stationed in the South Pacific. He says that this summer, Jack Benny entertained at his camp. And in his opinion, Jack is certainly one of the biggest, and then five words were cut out by the census. I was a big hit there. Willie wrote me all about the food they serve him in the camp, and science is certainly wonderful. But they must give those hens a lot of basic training to get them to lay powder dead. I never could figure that out either. I'm glad the election is over because now Papa and Uncle Julius can be friends again. They were always arguing about politics. And Uncle Julius is such a hard loser, he never gives up. A lot of people are like that, too. When the election results were final, Papa started teasing him about it, and Uncle Julius lost his temper and hit Pop over the head with his Hoover button. Oh, fine. So we'll close with love from his both mom. You know, your mother's cute at that, you know? Yes. If Jack is reading over your shoulder, give him my regards. If he isn't, what I told you over the telephone still goes. How do you like that? I hope your father finds his glasses. And, Mary, next time have your letters delivered at home. Now, where were we? Hey, Jackson, I meant to ask you, how about that new singer you hired? When are we going to get to meet the kid? Larry Stevens? Oh, he'll be along soon. I haven't exactly hired him yet. You see, we haven't discussed money. Well, if he don't bring it up, you never will. I'll bring it up, don't worry. And this kid's going to... Shh! He comes now. Hello, Miss Livingston. Hello, Larry. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hi, Larry. Larry, this is Don Wilson, my announcer. Hello, Larry. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Wilson. And this is Phil Harris, my... Oh, well, I might as well say it, my orchestra leader. Hi, you kid. I'm glad to know you, Mr. Harris. And I've always enjoyed your music. You see, Jackson, the kid's half. He ain't no long hair. He's mulling on the beam. And when he beats his gums, his jive is groovy. Jive? Groovy? Phil, did you vote Tuesday? Yeah, why? How could you prove you were a citizen? Now, Larry... Yes, Mr. Benny? You and I are going to talk a little business today. But first, I'd like to have you sing a number for the boys. How about it? I'll be glad to. Good. Now, don't be nervous. Just relax and take it easy. We're all with you. So are these fellas here. So go ahead and sing. Should I pass the music around to the orchestra? No, it'll only make it tough for them. You see? They make less mistakes guessing at it. Go ahead, kid. Go ahead. It's the end of the story. The same old story. All the stars in their glory. No way more than used to it. This night will borrow the scent of the roses. Caresses and closes your eye. Give a hand. And very good, Larry. Thank you, Mr. Benny. Now, Larry, I want to talk things over with you. You know, your future, your career, your salary... Your... Your salary. His voice always cracks on that word. Never mind. Come here, Larry. Sit down. Yes, Mr. Benny. Larry, my boy, you're young. And you have many, many years ahead of you. And, kid, there's something I'm going to tell you. Money isn't everything. Money isn't... Mary, will you please leave us alone? When I was your age, I was a poor kid in Waukegan. I used to get up at five o'clock in the morning. He was an eager beaver. Miss Livingston, please. Yes, Miss Livingston. I want to hear this. I was very poor. I didn't... I didn't have the opportunities that you have. While the other children went to school to get an education, I had to sell papers barefoot in the snow and run errands for people in the neighborhood. Be happy just to get a nickel or a dime. And clench tight in my little fist, bring it home to my mother and father. Well, I was only trying to coagulate. You see, kid, I've never forgotten those early days when I started from the bottom. So, Larry, let's talk about your salary. You're going to hit a new bottom, kid. Now, Larry... Yes, Mr. Benny? Dennis Day came to work for me. And after being on my program for only five years, I paid him $35 a week. Oh, boy, as much as that! Sit down, son. I want to talk to you. Now, naturally, you wouldn't expect $35 a week to start with, would you? Well... Of course not. So, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, kid. Larry? Larry, my boy? I'm going to pay you that it all starts you off with $22.50 a week. How's that, kid? Oh, that's well, Mr. Benny. Thanks very much. Yes, sir. Excuse me, sir. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. This is Rochester. I'm coming home to dinner. Did you roast that chicken like I told you to? I was going to, boss, but that chicken was so smart I didn't have the heart to kill it. What do you mean, smart? Well, when I brought it into the kitchen and it jumped up on the stove, looked into the pot and said, is you is or is you ain't my gravy? Rochester, that's a terrible joke. Rochester, stop being silly. And I hope you prepared something else for dinner. Well, I put on that pot roast you bought yesterday. Well, that's all right. I like my meat well done. So do I, but this is ridiculous. You mean it's burned? You mean it's that bad? Rochester, how did it happen? Well, when it was cooking, I stepped out of the house for a little while. I know you're a little while. How long were you gone? Oh, it was just a matter of minutes, boss. How many minutes? About 50. 1,500. That's more than 24 hours. Now, what did you leave the house for? I stepped out to get a package of cigarettes. Cigarettes? Well, that shouldn't have taken you long. Oh, boss, come now. Rochester, we'll talk about this when I get home and you better have something for me to eat. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? Alan mad at me? Yeah, he said he was listening to your program and you stole one of his jokes. You mean he called me a low-down crook? That's what he said. That's what the man said. He said that. Well, I'll take care of him when I get back. Goodbye. Imagine a guy getting sore about one little joke play film. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an extremely serious message to deliver and ask you to listen closely. Our fighting men are being returned to this country in steadily growing numbers. They're sick and wounded. The gallant members of the Army Nurse Corps have managed, up till now, to hold their own and caring for these men. But as I speak to you, 10,000 more registered nurses are needed immediately. The nurse who enters the Army Nurse Corps will practice her profession where it will do the most good. Now, you listeners can help me urge all registered nurses, those about to graduate, and members of the Cadet Nurse Corps to join the Army right now for information right to the Surgeon General U.S. Army, Washington, D.C. tonight. While you are writing, wounded men are returning. Thank you. Next, we'll be back in just a minute, but first, here are my good friends, L.A., SpeedRiggs, and Kenneth Delmar. If all is told, Ladies and gentlemen, that tobacco market's now open in the south. Independent tobacco experts present at the auctions can see the makers of lucky strike consistently select and buy the finer, the lighter, the naturally milder lucky strike tobacco. And sworn records show that among such independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen, with men who know tobacco best, it's luckies two to one. So smoke the smoke, tobacco expert smoke. Lucky strike. The famous tobacco auctioneers heard on tonight's program are Mr. L.A. Speedrigs of Goldsboro, North Carolina. L.A. Folder III. And Mr. F.E. Boone of Lexington, Kentucky. L.A. Folder IV. Sold, I'm everything. This is Basil Riesdale speaking for Lucky Strike. L.S. M.F.T. L.S. M.F.T. L.S. M.F.T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Well, folks, we've had a wonderful time here at the Army Airfield at Murroc Dry Lake, and I want to thank all the boys for inviting us up here and being such a swell audience. Next Sunday night we'll be broadcasting from the U.S. Naval Hospital at Corona. So we'll see you next week, boys. Well, Larry, how did you feel being up here on the stage and singing in front of an audience? Oh, I liked it very much, Mr. Benny. You weren't nervous? Well, a little bit. Oh, well, that's all right. You'll get over it. Say, Mr. Benny, where do I have to sing tomorrow night? Tomorrow night? Oh, no place, kid. You don't have to sing until next Sunday. You mean I have the whole week off? Well, I certainly. Gee, and you're paying me $22.50 a week? Well, I happen to like you, kid. You know, when I like anybody, the sky's the limit. But, Mr. Benny... Forget it, kid. Forget it. That's all. Good night. The Jack Benny program came to you from the Murroc Army Air Base, New York, and Hollywood. This is the national broadcasting company.