 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpeness Music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. There comes a time in every girl's life when she goes to her father for advice. But when her father happens to be Phil Harris, this can become very involved. More about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. There's not much time before we vote for the next president. Only nine days to be exact. But it's time enough to buy new RCA Victor television so you can watch the telecast of this important event. And on election night, as on any night, if there's a picture in the air, you'll get it best if you own RCA Victor television deluxe. The 21-inch Suffolk console, for example, has an extra reserve of power for performance plus wherever you live. And, like all new RCA Victor television, the Suffolk has the magic monitor circuit system that acts like an engineer inside your set. The magic monitor screens out static automatically, steps up power automatically, and automatically ties the best sound to the clearest picture. Unmatched in performance, the colonial style Suffolk deluxe with its full-length doors is unmatched in beauty, too. For the ultimate in television quality, choose the beautiful 21-inch Suffolk console. It's RCA Victor television deluxe. See it at your dealers tomorrow. In fact, see the entire line of new RCA Victor television. Prices start as low as $199.95. And remember, when you select RCA Victor television, buy an RCA Victor factory service contract for expert installation and service. Now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Today is a big day in the life of little Alice Harris. She's having her first date and going to her first dance. Her mother has bought her a new dress for the occasion, and as we look in, she's just put it on to show her mother how it looks. Mother, look at me. How do I look in my new party dress? Oh, adorable, honey. You look so grown up, and wait a minute. What have you got on your face? Makeup. I'm wearing lipstick, rouge, mascara, and eye shadow. Now you go right upstairs and take all that stuff off. A pretty young girl like you doesn't need makeup. Then why do you wear it? You're young and pretty. Well, I wear it to make me look older. You know, otherwise people would go around saying your daddy married a child bride. Now take that goo off before your father sees you. He's inside having breakfast, and if he ever finds out... Alice! Alice! What is it, Phil? There's no more cream for my coffee. Oh. Well, open a bottle of milk. Okay. Where's the corkscrew? Mother, did you tell daddy about my going to the dance tonight? No. No, not yet. He still thinks of you as a baby, and he's liable to make a big fuss about you going out on your first date. And he'll never let you go if he sees your face like that. Well, you have enough rouge smith all over to... Oh, that certainly was a good breakfast. Hiya, honey. I really enjoy... How do you do, miss? I always like... Alice, who's the short burlesque queen? Don't you recognize me, daddy? Look, lady, don't call me daddy in front of my mom. Trying to get me killed or something? I don't know you. Phil, you never saw her before? No, honey. I'll admit I hung around the stage door once or twice, but I was just selling flowers during the summer layoff. This is your daughter, Alice. Alice? You mean little Alice? How'd she get hurt? Where'd she get all that blood on her cheeks? Father, that's not blood. It's rouge. I put it on to make my face rosy. You'd better take it off, or that ain't gonna be the only part of you this whole... Don't yell at her. She just thought she'd put some on to wear at the school dance tonight. You see, she's having her first date. Date? With a man? And what a man. He's blond, he's four-foot-six, and he weighs 87 pounds. Oh, no. She's got a date with Mickey Rooney. She has a date with a boy her own age, little Johnny Wilkins. You know the Wilkins family? Oh, yeah. Yes, we've met at a few cocktail parties. He's in the clothing business, isn't he? The world's largest manufacturer of best pockets. No, Mr. Wilkins is an attorney, and his son is a very nice boy. I don't care. He's not going out with my daughter. Why, she's just a little child, a mere baby only ten years old. I'll get that. My little Alice going out with a boy. I can't bear the thought of it. Hi, Curly. Oh, it's you. Come in. Shut the door. Give me your hat. I'm in. The door's shut. I ain't got no hat. What's the matter with you? Oh, Elliot, I'm a miserable man. I know, but I like you anyway. What's wrong? Little Alice is going out on a date tonight with a young man. She's going to a dance tonight with a boy. No kidding. Little Alice is going out on her first date, huh? Oh, gee, Curly, that's cute. What's cute about it? You're not a father. You don't know how I feel. Don't you realize I'm losing my little baby? Seems like yesterday that she used to crawl into the living room, jump up on my lap, put her chubby little paws around my neck, and licked my... No, that was the dog. But I do remember the time that little Alice sat up in bed and said, Daddy, will you get me a bottle of beer? No. No, that was big Alice. No, she don't drink. Bear. Wait a minute. Did you ever sleep with me, Elliot? Yes, Daddy. Look, I can't let her go out, Elliot. She's too young. She's only ten. How old were you when you first went out? Well, that's different. I was eleven. But we lived in the hills of Tennessee, and you've got to start young down there. How old was the girl? She was eight, but she was a widow. Curly, there's nothing wrong with a girl ten years old going to a school dance with a boy. Maybe not, but look, she's so immature, she don't know nothing about life. Well, then have a talk with her. Every father should have a talk with his child. Well, I guess you're right. All right, come on in the other room. I'm going to explain things to my child. Yeah. Now handle it carefully, because you don't... Hello, Elliot. Oh, hello, Alice. And little Alice. Gee, how pretty you look in your new dress. Thanks, Uncle Elliot. I'm going to a dance tonight. Not so fast. Before I give my consent, I want to sit down with you and have a man-to-man talk. Bill, she's a girl. Oh. Well, in that case, go out and get me a small boy. I only know that man-to-man routine. Curly, it's the same thing only with reverse English. What did you want to talk to me about, Daddy? Um... About life. You see, honey, you're a girl. And you're starting to grow up. And you'll find out as you grow up, you get taller. Oh, if my father had only told me things like that. As I was saying, Alice, you keep growing taller until you become a woman like your mother. And that's when you stop getting taller and start getting wider. What are you trying to tell me, Daddy? Well, just this. You're a girl. And the thing you're going out with tonight is a boy. And no matter whether you're a boy or a girl, man or woman, Republican or Democrat, don't forget to vote on November the 4th and sing, Alice, and get me out. No two people have ever been so in love Been so in love Been so in love No two people have ever been so in love As my love, my dove, and I No two people have ever mooned such a moon June such a June Spoon such a spoon No two people have ever been so in tune As my macaroons and I And when we kiss And when we kiss And when we kiss Well, it's like this Well, it's historical, it's hysterical Let me tell you Well, certainly, darling No two people have ever been so in love Been so in love Been so in love No two people have ever been so in love As my love, my dove, and I For a never again could anything more romantic and beautiful be No two people have ever been so in love Been so in love Been so in love Incredible, no two people have ever been so in love Been so in love As my love, my dove, and I And this is unique, the positive pico We are the most unusual couple on earth No two people have ever mooned such a moon June such a June Spoon such a spoon But they mean is that no two people have ever been so in tune As my macaroons and I And when we kiss And when we kiss Well, it's like this Well, it's historical, it's hysterical Let me tell you Well, certainly, darling No two people have ever been so in love Been so in love Been so in love Been so in love Been so in love It's impossible, no two people have ever been so in love Been so as my love, my dove, and I And this is the dream, the very extreme The sort of a dream you couldn't imagine No two people have ever been so in love Been so as my love, my dove Blamed all about life to Alice Can she go to the dance tonight? Not yet Before I give my final consent I'm going over and have a talk with this boy But what for? I want to know his intentions I want to know what he's like What kind of a job he's got Bill, he hasn't got a job He hasn't got a job What are they going to do, live with us? Bill, the boy is eleven years old I don't care I got to know what kind of a character he is What he does with his time Curly's right For all we know, he may be a playboy Sure Or he might be a used scooter salesman Or worse than that, he might be a crooked gambler Who goes around fixing hopscotch games You can stop already This is serious If my daughter's going out with this kid I got to find out about him So come on, you're going with me We're going over to see this Wilkins boy right now This is a nice house this kid lives in At least he's got a little dough Curly, what are you going to talk to this kid about? I'm going to lay the law down to him I'll tell him to bring my daughter home early Treat her like a lady and stuff like that But supposing the kid don't like your attitude And gets tough That's why I brought you along Between the two of us we can handle him Now I'll ring the bell and Before you do How big is he? Four foot six Ring the bell We're going to look this kid over carefully If I don't think he's right for my daughter He's not going to Yes What can I do for you? Are you taking my daughter out tonight? Well, I hadn't planned on it But if I can get away from my wife, I'd like to Wait a minute, who are you? Well, I'm Mr. Wilkins Oh, you're the kid's father Your size fool me You're such a short one I don't think that's nice I'm not making fun of your size You big overgrown ox Look, don't get gay I don't want to talk to you I'm here to see your son Oh, no, you don't I've seen your type before And you're not going to get My boy mixed up in your tire-stealing racket I don't steal tires What do you steal? Money from radio sponsors Why? What did you two fellas want? I'll tell you what I want Your son has a date with my daughter tonight So send your kid out here And tell him that Phil Harris wants to talk to Oh, are you Phil Harris? That's right, Shorty You ever hear of me on the radio? Yes, and I can't stand you That voice of yours What's the matter with my voice? I don't know, it just makes me nauseous Nauseous? Sick to a stomach Look, buddy, maybe you don't like my show But I'll bet your wife listens to me Well, I must admit she does She's been listening to you for years How does she like me? I don't know She just sits there with her foot in her mouth And never talks Look, Wilkins, I just came here to see your kid I'd rather see the kid's mother Elliot, will you stay? Come to think of it, I'd take a short look at that, too Look, stay out of this Look, are you gonna let me see your son or aren't you? No, I'm not I don't like your attitude You're not going to see my son and either is your daughter I'm not going to let him take her out tonight That suits me fine I wouldn't let my daughter go out with your son Goodbye Goodbye Nasty little man I guess I pulled him off, didn't I? Oh, yeah You loused up your daughter's date very nicely Hey, wait a minute Gee, I never thought of that Now she won't be able to go to dance tonight Oh, Elliot, do you think she'll hate me? I'd recommend it It's little Alice's first date I know, I know, I know Poor little kid Gee whiz, I'd give anything if I could find a way out of this You know, Curly, it's too bad I never got married If I had, I might have a son, your daughter's age And tonight, your daughter could be going out with my boy Over my dead body Elliot, what am I gonna do about this? What am I gonna tell little Alice? Tell her the truth Tell her that her stupid father messed up her date Well, I couldn't do that I'd rather have somebody put a bullet in my head How much does the job pay? Oh, look, mister, I was a... Groke! Yeah, yeah, it's you, Harrison Who's your friend? Oh, you know him, it's your pal, Elliot Lohas Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah I didn't recognize him with his new name Yeah Now, to get back to business, Harris What part of the head do you want to be shot in? Oh, no, look, Groke, I was only kidding I don't really want to be shot A deal is a deal I'll do a nice, clean job And if your friend wants to get it out, I can do it cheaper I'm running a sale today A sale? Yeah, two for the price of one plus one penny It's hard to turn down a bargain like that, girl Oh, well, you cut it out I'm in enough trouble Yeah, what kind of trouble? Well, my daughter was going to have her first date tonight And I ruined it You're a real lunkhead, ain't you? Look, if that daughter of yours has her heart set on going out tonight She's going to go But the fella she was going to go out with won't take her And I'll get her another guy There's, uh, light-fingered Louis No, he ain't out yet Groke, and my daughter is just a little girl Ten years old Well, then I'll get her a little boy Where can I find a clean little boy? He's, uh, oh, yeah, yeah I saw one riding a bike around a corner I'll go over and I'll, uh, I'll, uh, talk to him I'll see you later, Harry No, Groke, and come back, please I don't want you to get no girl Well, I don't want Let him go If he can get your daughter a date, it'll solve your problem You ought to be grateful Well, yeah If he gets her a nice date, I will be grateful Sure I might even give him, uh, an autographed copy of my latest record I happen to have one with me Would you care to hear it? Oh, I'd love to, but fortunately, we don't have a record player We don't need one Hmm? Just lie down and I'll spin it on your nose And play it with my fingernail Let's roll it Piece of woodin', piece of woodin', piece of woodin' Ah, piece of woodin' hot Piece of woodin' gold Piece of woodin' in the pot Just nine days old Well, the patty cake, the patty cake, the baker's man Pulled it in the oven just as fast as you can Some likes it hot and some likes it cold But I likes it in the pot, nine days old Piece of woodin' hot Piece of woodin' gold Piece of woodin' in the pot Just nine days old Didn't care much about going to school It was all work and no play But when it came home for about half past three I'd love to hear my mama say You got a piece of woodin' hot Hot Puttin' the piece of woodin' cold Cold Puttin' the piece of woodin' in the pot Hot Puttin' just nine days old Nine days old I had a steak all juicy and brown But I looked on my plate and here's all I found Just a piece of woodin' hot Piece of woodin' cold Piece of woodin' in the pot Just nine days old I don't want ham, I don't want greens There's only one dish that pops My sins, it's a piece of woodin' hot You got the pot hot puttin' Piece of woodin' cold Coldy-cold, cold-foot Piece of woodin' in the pot The pot pot puttin' Just nine days old I said son, here's 15 cents Go watch the elephant jump the fence He jumped so high he started to fly We didn't get back till the 4th of July Piece of woodin' hot You got the pot pot puttin' Piece of woodin' cold Coldy-coldy-cold Piece of woodin' in the pot The pot pot puttin' Just nine days old Just nine days old It's been two hours since we left Grogan I'm afraid he couldn't get a date for a little hour Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to go upstairs and tell her that she can't go to the dance That's gonna be the toughest thing that I ever had to Come in I just hate to face her and tell her that I got her up If troubles are over, Harris, I got your daughter a boyfriend You're dead? Oh, Grogan, that's wonderful Where is he? Right here in his boy-lap sack He put up a fight, you see, I had to keep him quiet Oh, naturally How do you do, son? How do you feel? Get me out! I wonder who that could be Ronald Coleman? No Tallulah? No, her voice is deeper Maybe it's Johnny Ray Couldn't be him, the bag ain't wet I'll tell her Liberace or maybe it could be me You'll get me weak Alright, alright, I'll untie it Alright, there, you're out, kid You're so excited What am I? I was trying to get a date for my daughter The last thing I'd want to see happen to my kid of my kid. If she as much as walked out of the door with you, I'd slash my throat. You talk to me, I thought I'd throw it. That's what made tonight. I'd love to. Wait a minute. You don't mind going out with me, do you, Alice? I did have a date with Johnny, but I'd rather go with you. I think you're the handsomest, weirdest, and most charming boy I've ever seen. Oh, I gotta have her head looked in. Oh, Julius. Oh, we'd better hurry. Goodbye, Daddy. Come back here. So long, Papa. Oh, what a sickening car. It's not as easy, Curly. Find a way with her. What? Jill will be back in just a moment. What every home needs is a good powerful radio, and that's where the new RCA Victor Lindsay comes in. The compact Lindsay is one of RCA Victor's finest table radios. It has an extra large, built-in magic loop antenna, and RCA Victor preferred type tubes. It's an extra powerful table radio that brings you first-rate reception and even difficult signal areas. So visit your RCA Victor dealer tomorrow. See the Lindsay. Notice the clean-cut modern lines of its beautiful plastic cabinet. Notice the built-in phono jack for your record player, too. Then try the Lindsay. Turn it on and listen to its wonderful tone, made possible by RCA Victor's exclusive golden throat tone system. After you see and hear it, you'll agree that RCA Victor's handsome new Lindsay is your best value in a powerful table model radio. What a wonderful day. Dennis, that is. See the hilarious bachelor adventures of the new Dennis Day, starring on the RCA Victor show Friday's NBC TV. Polio, infantile paralysis, respects no age, no race, no creed, no income bracket. It strikes young and old alike, leaving twisted and deformed bodies, so help prevent polio crippling. Give to the 1952 Fund Appeal of the Sister Elizabeth Kenney Foundation. Thanks everyone and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe were Bob Jellison and Sheldon Leonard. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Fresh, long-lasting RCA batteries will help you get the most pleasure from your portable radio. To enjoy year-round portable listening, take your set to your local radio dealer or service man first thing tomorrow. Have him inspect the set and check the batteries. If he finds that your portable needs new batteries, have him install powerful RCA radio batteries. They're radio engineered for extra listening hours. Tonight, Theatre Guild on the Air presents Hobson's Choice on NBC.