 Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem. Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. Alhamdulillah. Thank you all for being here. I know it's a busy time, the weekends we spend usually with family or other obligations, but I appreciate anytime you come out. Alhamdulillah. This is our fourth session. So for those who don't know, our first three sessions are available on MCC's Facebook page and their YouTube page. So inshallah you can always check out what was covered before if you're just now coming or if you haven't had a chance to see those. Those are inshallah available to you. But I do like to sort of summarize at least the previous session at the beginning of every session because I want you to kind of follow the conversation as we're having it. So the outline, here's the outline. We'll do a summary of the last session where we talked about leadership basics in Islam and then defining basic human needs. And we'll get to what context of that inshallah. And then we'll also talk about the risks and dangers. Things that parents should be aware of and prepared for when just looking out for what's, you know, different stages of where their children are at to know what to expect and how to protect them. So we'll go ahead and begin. Alhamdulillah. So in our very first session we talked about two hadith. We talked about the hadith, Prophets As-Salam, Alakulakum Ra'in Wa Kulakum Mas'ulun An-Rayyati, which is each of you is a shepherd and you are responsible for your flock, right? It's a lengthy hadith, but it kind of goes into the different roles that every person, every Muslim has in the different sort of hats we wear. And then also, Man'arab An-Nafsabu Faqad A'raf Arabbahu, which is whoever knows, himself knows his Lord. So this is sort of, you know, the theme, the two hadith that really kind of outlined the theme of these workshops because we're first of all getting, you know, back to the basics as far as really identifying the leadership qualities necessary to be effective parents. So that's where the first hadith comes in and then also how that ties into, you know, really becoming aware of oneself and teaching that to our children to become very in touch with who they are so that it strengthens their relationship with al-Waspata, which is ultimately our objective, right? So here in this particular slide we've talked about, and the parts that are underlying are what we've covered so far. We've talked about some basic leadership skills that will obviously translate to effective parenting are to first understand yourself well. So a lot of times obviously when you come to a parenting class you feel like their focus is going to be on children, which yes, it will be eventually, but we want to start with ourselves first because how you parent is very much going to be determined by, as a reflection of where you are, right? How you are in a good state, you know, in a state spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, then inshallah your parenting will follow through. But if you yourself have a lot of issues going on that you haven't yet tended to, then obviously that's going to impact your parenting. So you always want to look at yourself first and really sort of get to the core of how, why you parent, the way you parent, how you parent, where did you learn your parenting skills from? Are you just repeating things that were done to you? Have you done the reading and the sort of education into parenting that should have been done from both an Islamic perspective as well as just general parenting tips. So kind of just again identify that, but also your own needs as a human being. Children, as we know, inshallah, they're demanded. Even a little tiny infant requires so much attention, so much focus. And so if you neglect your own needs and don't realize what you need in order to be effective, it's obviously going to possibly impact your parenting. So being really in touch with what you need, do you need more self-care? Do you need help? Do you need to be more clear in your communication? Do you need to work with a professional to help you? Maybe you and your spouse need some guidance along the way. So there's a lot of things that you have to identify. And then obviously understanding the needs of those in your care is very important as well, which we talked about in previous sessions. So you can go back to the previous recordings and check those out. We discussed, for example, actually going back to knowing yourself well and then eventually knowing the needs of those in your care. One of the things we talked about was really getting in touch with one's temperament. So we talked about before temperaments in Islam and being really in tune with how you are. Are you a reactive person? Are you a person that is slow to react? Are you really analytical and critical? Or are you more engaging and social, extrovert, introvert? All these things that measure personality types are really important for you to know about yourself. But then also to look at your children and to identify their strengths and maybe areas that they might need help with. And so when we talk about the needs of those in your care, these are things we're talking about in addition to the physical needs, which actually are things that we really focused on in our very last session. So these are, again, the topics that we've covered so far. We'll, again, continue with the review in a little bit. But what we're going to talk about today specifically is the next section here, which you see in the list. And for those of you who are watching, it's Understanding Potential Dangers and Threats. Because obviously, part of, again, if you think back to our first session when we talked about the analogy of the shepherd, right? We said that the shepherd's role is to protect his or her flock. And that is not just providing and nurturing and taking care of them, but also knowing imminent dangers, being prepared for danger. So part of our job as parents is really being ahead in this regard. And I, you know, there's so many things that come up that I think, you know, a lot of parents are really, really stressed about today that have to do specifically with this topic. I would say more than anything, this is the area that parents are really struggling with because they are kind of in the midst of something that they don't know how to resolve. They perceive it as a potential danger or threat that their child is going through something. And we'll talk about that, inshallah. But they're kind of lost. And so, again, effective parenting is you know this beforehand. You study into this, you read into this, you look at the articles, you look at the data, you look at the research. You really try to get ahead and see what's going on with children. Like, you know, I just was telling a sister a few minutes ago that earlier this week, there was a news report, I think, put out by CBS, which was fascinating. But it was, you know, they were speaking to some researchers who were actually looking at the effects of devices, video games, social media on the brains of children. And they're actually, I think it's a 10-year study that they're going to do with a few hundred different children. They're going to monitor them over 10 years and kind of see what exactly is going on with their brains. But already in the preliminary sort of tests that they've done, they've seen changes are happening just from these devices. You know, the brains of a child who's actively engaged in looking at devices or being on devices is different than a normal child. It's not. So, you know, there are definitely alarming things that are already, that we should know about. But to follow things like that and to really kind of be ahead of the research, we're being one example of being informed and being effective in terms of really knowing these threats of data. So we'll talk more about that. But just to kind of, again, summarize, you know, the needs. You know, we've talked about needs, knowing your needs, knowing the basic needs of the people in your care. We said, you know, last time, for example, we asked what are basic human needs? Right, what are they? Right, food, right, air, water, shelter, love. These are basic human needs. But then there's also needs. I mean, those are survival needs, right? And we're all pretty, I think, versed in survival needs because we have to be. We need to survive. So we know those. But what about thriving as a human being to excel, to get better? This is what we want to focus on, right? So if you know how what the needs are in terms of surviving, Alhamdulillah. But now let's focus on what are the needs in terms of becoming better, becoming a more actualized person, which we'll get to. So we said this was a quote from Abraham Maslow, who is an American psychologist and he came up with this theory called a hierarchy of needs. But this is a quote from him. He said, for the man who is extremely and dangerously hungry, no other interest exists but food. Life itself tends to be defined in terms of eating. Anything else will be defined as unimportant. Freedom, love, community, feeling, respect, philosophy may all be waved aside as fripperies which are useless since they fail to fill the stomach. Such a man may fairly be said to live by bread alone. But what happens to man's desires when there is plenty of bread and when his belly is chronically filled? At once, other and higher needs emerge and these rather than physiological hungers dominate the organism. And when these in turn are satisfied, again new and still higher needs emerge and so on. This is what we mean by saying that the basic human needs are organized into a hierarchy of relative propotency. So he identified these and it's kind of if you want to read it from the bottom going up. But his theory was basically that if you satisfy any human beings basic physiological needs first, right, then their next needs that they're naturally going to want to have met are safety, right, and then love and belonging and then esteem and then self-actualization. So it works in this hierarchy. And if at any point a need isn't being met somewhere in this hierarchy, then we're stunted. Our growth developmentally in terms of just becoming the better versions of ourselves is stunted because of that. And so this is important to understand because a lot of our stress, right, I'm sorry, which one? Physiological. So physiological needs are like we said, food, water, air, sleep, right, the very basic. So I know the graph, actually I'm sorry, the graphic is here. So the graphic is small but you can kind of get it here. It's just basic breathing, food, water, air and all the necessities just to exist. And then security would be or safety would be security of body, of employment, of resources, of the health of your property So this is really important because if you look at a lot of the stress that parents are under, I would say a lot of it has to do with maybe this second need, right, safety. A lot of parents have a difficulty, you know, especially here in the Bay Area, we live very, very stressful lives, right, getting from one place to another is difficult work, just family. It's just an intense environment to live in. So a lot of people may be that their need for safety as described by this sort of hierarchy isn't being met and therefore just kind of, if you think about that, how is it going to impact their parenting, right? So you want to look to yourself and say, where am I? This is what it means to get in touch with your needs. Where am I in this hierarchy? Are my needs being met or am I, you know, is there something missing and therefore it's actually, you know, kind of seeping into my relationships? You know, maybe I'm a little bit more, you know, just on edge when it comes to my household. So I walk into the house and I bring in all that stress and negativity because this very basic human need isn't being met. And then beyond that, you know, once though, Alhamdulillah, these needs are met, what does it say? Then you move on to the next basic need, which is love and belonging. So people, so basically if you, if your basic physiological needs are being met and then Alhamdulillah, your safety and security and sense of security is being met, then the next thing that you naturally are going to want to pursue is love belonging. So you start to focus on your relationships more. You know, it's really hard for someone, for example, who's having financial difficulty to maybe focus on, you know, extended family relationships, right? They're like, I need to work. I need to survive. I can't go visit, you know, this family member and this family member and this family member, right? But Alhamdulillah, if you have a certain sense of safety in that regard, then you're like more, you know, likely to be open to working on relationships. And then once, inshallah, you feel like Alhamdulillah, you know, your relationships, you kind of have a certain, you know, rhythm there and you're able to manage those relationships. You know, you have friendships that are secure. Your family life, Alhamdulillah, is going well. Then the natural need that you want to meet next is your esteem. And this has to do with, now you're looking more inward, right? Like all of my other external responsibilities, obligations, Alhamdulillah, I've taken care of them. Now I want to start, you know, working on myself. So this is where you might want to pursue more mastery of different things, whether it's taking on classes or skill sets, maybe being a little bit more, you know, just adventurous in terms of whatever your interests and needs are, maybe, you know, but really working on boosting your own sort of self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence in those areas, by expanding, right, in your own self. So it's very inward process. And then as you, Alhamdulillah, start to do that more and more, then what Alhamdulillah is suggesting is you become this self-actualized person, which is you morally, creatively, you have kind of reached really the best version of yourself. And there's all these different qualities that he's identified, the people who are self-actualized will have. So, you know, and we'll get to those details in a second. But again, this is just really important to understand, because as, if your basic needs aren't being met, then it's going to be very difficult for you to be an effective parent. That's really the gist of this, right? And then, you know, knowing your own hierarchy or knowing where you are on the hierarchy is important, but also children, because there's also a hierarchy of needs for children. And this is also another really important thing that we should understand, that children have also needs, very similar, but slightly different. You know, physiologically, they need, you know, healthy food, for example, right? Shelter, obviously. And they also need affection. Children need touch, you know? And there's, I mean, I remember a long time ago, I watched, I don't know if it was 2020, but it was one of these documentary shows. I think it was about an orphanage in Romania, and they had shown all these infants, hundreds of them, who had never been held, who had never been touched before, because they just didn't have the manpower to be able to tend to hundreds of children. And they found that cognitively, these infants were completely impacted just because, you know, they just didn't have human-to-human interaction and physical touch. I mean, it was devastating, but we know the power of that. So, young children, this is really important, you know, that we show them affection, and that we understand that that is a need of theirs. And that's why even if you read certain articles about, you know, if you have a toddler throwing a tantrum, the sort of authoritative model of parenting would just, you know, it's kind of like, you know, they see it as a fight, you know, or, you know, pull for power. So, there's like this struggle that happens between parent and child, and parent gets frustrated, and child is kind of, you know, the tantrum goes on, but they'll say to you that actually sometimes the easiest way to completely turn things around is just to hold and hug the child. In that moment, you know, clearly something is wrong, you know, they don't feel safe and that's why they're acting out. And it might be over a toy or over a food or over a shoe, you know, they don't want to wear a particular shoe. It can be a number of things and so you think, oh, it's such a, you know, little thing, but the child, there's something clearly wrong in their state, and so just to kind of bring back that sense of safety and security for them can completely alter their state and calm them down, and it's been an effective model for a lot of children. It doesn't always work, but for some children, that's all they need. So just to understand the importance of that and then, you know, safety and security would be to make sure that as parents, we understand to make sure, you know, make certain that the adults or caregivers that we put them in touch with are, you know, are safe, are, you know, will never, you know, harm them in any way, but also are just, you know, sensitive to children. Sometimes, you know, we don't think about how that can also impact a child as if they're around adults who don't necessarily want them around, you know, so we should be careful to make sure that the company that we expose our children to is safe in that regard too, and then also, you know, you know, having an understanding of protecting kids in other spaces, like in cars or, you know, just sort of baby-proofing the home, kind of just being aware. So those are just things that, to give a child a sense of safety and security. And then obviously, free from abuse, neglect, access to health care, these are basic things that all children need. Social needs would be unconditional love, so loving interaction with their caregivers, room to explore and play and interaction with their peers. So this is a need that all children have. They need a little bit of that, of everything that they need to be in touch, obviously, with their primary, you know, the caregivers, their parents, but they also need to be with their peers, and they need spaces and time to play. And this is something that, again, you know, I've seen time and time again, there's some parents just, you know, want their children to stand in line or, you know, be in line always, and they don't understand children's energy. You know, little kids under seven, for example, are in complete play mode. That's just their mindset. They're in the world of play, and so they want to run around. They want to, you know, explore things and touch things and flip around and wrestle or whatever with their friends. And so if you take them to a space that requires them to just sit for hours and hours and hours, and then you punish them when they act like children, you're not, you know, you need to understand better that it was, you know, the choice of bringing them to that environment wasn't the right choice. It's not that they are misbehaving or that they're acting out of line, right? It's just that it's not the appropriate place for that child's needs or to be met. And then the steam, you know, children need encouragement. They need protection from bullying, discrimination, and they need respect. I think this is a big thing that's also missing, unfortunately sometimes, is this idea that children should be respected. Because we see them, you know, as little, you know, what do they know? They don't know anything, and there are, you know, sometimes we see them as extensions of ourselves, so we feel we can kind of talk to them however way we want to. But that's, and this isn't the Islamic model, children deserve respect. And the provost, I said him, if you read, he spoke to children with love, with respect. He would sometimes, you know, come down to a level, he would play with them, he would run with them, and, you know, he treated them with compassion and love, and that's because he's teaching us, you know, that don't look down on them just because they are, they don't have, you know, that you see them as being subordinate to you, honor them and respect them. So they need respect. And then, obviously they need discipline, but positive discipline, right? So you don't just let them run for their child, but when you do correct them, you correct them with love. And that will reinforce positive self-esteem, because children, it's not that they can't respond, or they don't, you know, the disciplining, that word kind of, I think has a negative connotation, but if you really, you know, look at, again, what they need, they need direction. They can't, they need that from us, right? They need us to guide them. So it's important that you understand that, but it's the way that we do it, right? That's either going to make them fall in line and respect us and love us and, you know, strengthen our bond, or make them rebel and resent us. And so, you know, parents who have, you know, kind of that problem with their children, especially as they get older, you know, you look at how it was done, and a lot of times it was done harshly. You know, if you're going to correct a child and you do it with a strong voice, an intimidating or yelling or, you know, lewd language, which unfortunately some parents do, they just lose it in the moment and they'll just, something will come out. That's not going to be effective, right? So you kind of have to go back and check yourself and realize they need discipline, it just has to be positive. And then self-actualization would be, again, creative pursuits, learning life skills, hobbies, so really nurturing their individuality, looking at them as individuals, which gets back to one of our previous sessions where we talked again about knowing your child's temperament really well, because each temperament is going to reveal right, different qualities about them, different interests that they may have. Some temperaments are more, again, just you know, they like, you know, social things. So, you know, exposing your children who are social to those types of activities and letting them have bonding experiences, whereas other children are more analytical and they kind of, you know, are hands on and they need to be in spaces where they can actually be creative and either it's artistic or they build and they do things again that are, they kind of tap into that, but knowing your child that well will open up, again, opportunities for you to help them get to this place of self-actualization. Now, again, why is all this so important? Because as Maslow wrote about, he said that, or identified, he said that there's certain characteristics of people who are self-actualizers, you know, this sort of pinnacle when you've reached the height or the best version of yourself, you can see people who are like that, they have common traits and so he identified some of them here and I just outlined some of them, but they perceive reality efficiently and can tolerate uncertainty. Now from a spiritual lens what does that mean? If you can perceive reality efficiently and can tolerate uncertainty, this is submission, right? This is Islam because, you know, when you, inshallah, have that connection with Allah, you just accept things because you, you believe, right? Qadaa wa qadaa, it's willed, I submit to the will of Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala, so someone who becomes a self-actualized person can do that effectively. They just accept, even if a loss happens or some other test or tribulation, they don't fall apart because Alhamdulillah they have the solid foundation. So again, this is a, you know, he's using these terms, but we can look at it from a spiritual lens and see what it really means. They accept themselves and others for what they are. Tolerance, again, a huge, this is a big part of our faith, to be tolerant of other people and to not judge other people and to never think yourself better than other people to be welcoming. This is all part of our tradition. So if you want that for, first of all, you should want that for yourself, these qualities, but if you want these qualities for your children these are, you know, the things you want to pay attention to. Problem-centered, not self-centered. Again, you know, want for your brother, what you want for yourself, you know, being self-list, these themes are constant in our tradition. So to be a person who's always wanting to help other people, right, to fix situations for other people and not always me, me, me, nefsi, nefsi, this is part of our faith. Alhamdulillah, we should all want that. But again, if you're someone who is self-actualized, you will naturally have this quality. And there's quite a few more, but more concern for the welfare of humanity, very similar to the previous one. Just have, you know, a giving nature, you're worried about other people, you're not always thinking about yourself. Democratic attitudes, strong, moral, ethical standards, I mean, subhanallah, if all of these are not prophetic qualities, you know, I don't know what are, and that's why it's important to contrast, okay. So we have this list, and now let's look at our Prophet, peace be upon him, because it's important to see the reality of who he was. You know, he was a sadaqa, I mean, the truthful and trustworthy. Never spoke a lie ever. I mean, that's pretty remarkable. And these are things that we should know. I mean, I know we know them, but to really know them is to you know, to obviously take it on for yourself, but also to relay that. I mean, when we talk about these things, emphasize that to your children, like subhanallah, can you imagine that the Prophet, peace be upon him, never once said anything that was untruthful. I mean, that's pretty amazing, because we all lie, and it's unfortunate, but we do. And here you have this human being who was known even way before he became the Prophet of Islam, that that was his nickname, to have a nickname that identified this noble quality. He always stood for forgiveness, or for righteousness, excuse me, for the righteous. He never was involved in immoral activities. He always was endorsed or was known for his honesty and credibility, so it's really important to teach this to your children. Careful, you know, with other people. He was compassionate with the poor, always led, you know, was at the forefront, you know, when he led. And he always adopted good manners. He never hurt anybody. I mean, these are, there's so many hadiths that talk about how the Prophet of Islam never hurt people, even if he had to something to relay that maybe, you know, it was in the way for them. He was very careful in how he packaged things. But this is, you know, these are qualities, again, that we should be able to identify, we should want, we should take on for ourselves. And just, you know, for the stood for workers' rights, took stand for animal rights, you know, and there's a list there, and then revolutionized women's rights, defined battle rules. I mean, there's just so many, and we could go on. This is just a list that I found, but Mashallah, if we actually took time, we could spend for, you know, days talking about all of his noble qualities. But why is this important again? Because when you look at this list of, you know, people who are self-actualized, so much of what that means is mirrored in him and who he was, right? Because they're prophetic qualities. And so these are the things that, something so basic as looking at your needs, looking at your children's needs and really understanding that hierarchy can open up the potential of getting to as you actually realize, okay, so this is the process of how we become better. Meet these needs and, you know, and work on just, you know, building, work on building and getting higher and higher. And so, and then, you know, this is just advice that he had about behavior that leads to self-actualization. So, and I thought this was just, you know, really beautiful because children, the way that they experience the world is is innocent, but it's also with awe. And I think it's, you know, it's part of fitra. When they, when you see a child looking at something new for the first time they have this immediate, you know, connection of where they're just in awe. And I think, unfortunately, as adults, as we grow older and older we lose that sense of awe and it's sad because when you lose that sense of awe and, you know, and wonder about the world, it's kind of like, you know, the world is, the way I look at it, it's like this light that we have and it's just getting dimmer and dimmer because of the way the world is. And so, we should try to inculcate that sense of awe. And that's where really, you know, taking your time seriously and finding moments of reflection is really important because you can't be in a state of awe if you're constantly distracted. You just, it's not going to happen. You know, if you're, you know, there's people subhandling, and we've seen it, right? There's people who are standing, and I'm not judging anybody individually. I know people, you know, although I'm not doing that, but I'm just saying, just think of what it would take for someone who's standing at the cabba, for example, for the first time. And they're, you know, looking at this incredible structure and everything that it represents. But then they're also at the same time, you know, snapping or, you know, making videos to friends and family about that. And I know people might do that because they're trying to, you know, show their loved ones. But I'm just saying that's the degree of how easily we're distracted that we could be standing at a structure that magnificent, but then we lose ourselves. And so we have to self-regulate. And this gets back to one of, again, you know, core quality of being emotionally intelligent is that you know how to self-regulate, which we'll talk about in a moment. But like really having that ability to say, you know what, I need to, if I'm in the moment doing something, whether it's praying or reading Quran or attending a class, I really need to just be in the moment and let my heart open up, you know, let my heart open up to whatever is happening so that maybe I do have that aha moment, you know, that moment of like, wow, where something sort of hits you, you know. But you can't experience those things. Again, if you're it's so indulgent, right, that you give into your every need and thought and distraction and you don't self-regulate. So you got to we have to learn that skill set. But experiencing life like a child to me means having that being in constant state of wonder of Allah's creation, looking out, looking for for just the, you know, if you're, you know, waking up, for example at Fajr and you want to just kind of connect. I used to do this now this rainy season, but there's great benefit in actually praying outside, you know, we're very comfortable in our homes, but if you have the space a balcony or a backyard, try it one day. Just go outside in that beautiful time of Fajr when it's like totally dark and the birds are singing and it's just you and you're connecting with the creation of Allah's Fajr and see if that Fajr is anything like your regular Fajr, which is rushed and like, you know, you want to get right back into bed because it's cold, right. But you prepare and you just really say, you know what, I want to connect. I want to, you know, have that just beyond the everything that I do every single day, all the distractions. I want to kind of disrupt that and find ways. That's why people and I have friends who very regularly will go on, you know, sort of retreats into the mountains. I personally, I know there's no greater thing for me than when I go and just disconnect. I love to go to where the trees are. I love trees. I love mountains. You know, I love the water too, but my what really impacts me is just to be in the trees. I just love to be surrounded by that greenery and there's, you know, science to back it up. It has immense effect on our states when we're around in nature, just touching a grass with our feet, not walking on it with shoes is said to have, you know, amazing effects, you know, just to de-stress and just it just affects you in a positive way. So we're very much connected to that, but that's what, you know, we should look for experiences like that instead of just the same old, same old tired, you know, routine that we get stuck on. Because the world is, you know, as like I said, it's a big huge distraction, but if we seek out these, these experiences and inshallah we can hopefully return to that state of like subhanallah, which is what we should want. And that's kind of connected. Yes. Yes, I think so. Yeah. Oh, maybe not. I'm sorry. Okay. Is it on now? Okay. Thank you. Okay. Oh, sure. You want to go back to that slide? Okay. Stood for workers, right? Yeah, these are, I just want to make it clear. I didn't put these together. I found them online, but I thought they were a good comprehensive list. And, sure. And then this is the number five and six if you didn't get it. And so then, you know, the next one is pretty kind of tied to this, right? Trying new things instead of sticking to safe paths. So it's kind of just like looking for opportunities, taking initiative, not just, you know, falling into a routine and then losing out on time. I mean, there's so much time that we waste. Listening to our own feelings and evaluating experiences instead of the voice of tradition. So, you know, really, again, when you're a self-actualized person, alhamdulillah you kind of inculcate the ability to discern right from wrong. You kind of, you know, you just have that inner voice, inshallah. And these are, you know, things that will naturally lead to that. Avoiding pretense, okay, and being honest. So people who are self-actualized don't need to be fake. You know, they don't wear masks. They don't go from one group to the other pretending to be something they're not. They're just very comfortable in their skin. And this is, again, all prophetic. Everything we're talking about here is really going, the son of the prophet said, I'm appreciating that he made it so easy for us if we just were to pay attention and follow it. But alhamdulillah, you know, these lists are also helpful because they, in practical terms, kind of give us, you know, ideas of how to do this. But just, you know, being a very honest person, a transparent person, and being prepared to be unpopular, if your views do not coincide with those of the majority, I think, you know, this is something we really should teach our kids that they are a minority, right? And they need to know that, you know, being accepted into the majority, if it means compromising your beliefs and your principles and who you are, that's not worth it, you know. That's not a message that they should, you know, you need to just remind them that it's very important that they stand up for who they are and that they, you know, have that solid foundation and who they are. Otherwise, you know, they'll get lost, you know, and just lose out on everything that you've raised them with and all the wonderful experiences because they're trying to accommodate everybody else and make everybody else happy and then they lose themselves and it's just not possible anyway. But something to, you know, remind them about taking responsibility and working hard and trying to identify your defenses. So this is really important too because that's your ego, you know, you know, being in touch with your, to be a self-actualized person, you have to know where your own ego steps in, you know, you have to be able to see it. If you're talking, you know, in a situation with a family member and you notice your tone is rising and you're getting defensive and, you know, you're just being critical, you should, if you're being called out on that, you should be, you know, thank you, you should, you know, if you're self-actualized anyway, you'll accept that. If someone reminds you, hey, hey, hey, you know, your tone, you got to watch your tone, you're getting a little too aggressive here or, you know, you should be open to that type of criticism, but if you're defensive and you make excuses for yourself, even when you know you're wrong, then clearly there's an issue there. Are there any questions up at this point? Not any of this? Okay. So then, again, we're just kind of summarizing Sessions slides just to kind of bring everybody up to speed. And one of the sort of takeaways that I had for people was to do this with their children, which is to, it's just an exercise we can all do called, you know, Code of Honor where they help, we help them understand virtues and there should be certain words that you study together as a family with your children. Words that are tied very much to, again, the prophetic model and to what every Muslim should take on. Virtues, virtues like honor, nobility, chivalry, silence, gratitude, fortitude, modesty. We should do studies around what these words mean, like what does that mean to you and really get our children fluent in this vocabulary. You know, because if we want them to embody these qualities but they don't know even how to identify these terms in real practical ways and connect it with their behavior. If you see your child do something honorable, tell them, masha'Allah, you know, that was a real great example of honor. Don't just say, good job, son. Good job, daughter. You know, we kind of are, we use very easy, convenient language sometimes, but we limit them in their understanding when we do that. But if you expand their understanding to associate these beautiful qualities directly with their behavior, you're likely to have them repeat that behavior. When they give, for example, a piece of candy or something that they really, you know, a treat that they really are enjoying and they share it with their, you know, sibling, you know, masha'Allah, tell them that was such a generous, beautiful act of yours. You know, it's so much like the Prophet s.a.w. Try to think of a hadith immediately if you can that connects with that act so that every time they make a really positive choice, you're reminding them, you're behaving, you're reminding me of the Prophet s.a.w. and how is, that's such a positive way of reinforcing that behavior, right? Gratitude, fortitude. So all these qualities are really important to actually teach these terms, I mean, to actually teach them as terms to your children and then to use them regularly in your, you know, discussions with them. And then another thing is to assign them each the task of creating their own personal code of honor. So this would be like an exercise, like, okay, what is, how do you know, you see yourself, you know, through, after, you know, kind of going over all these terms, what would be your own code of honor that you want to begin, you know, to sort of practice, you know, and share that with me. Are there certain things that you want to regularly do and share with those, share, you know, with me what those are? What are things that, practices that you want to start doing but helping them come up with that so then they hold themselves accountable. Like this is the way that I want to behave. For example, I don't want to curse or use foul language, okay. This is really important. If they take that on as their own personal code of honor, it's not something that you're telling them, don't curse, but they say, I'm going to put this on my list, then they'll hold themselves accountable because it's their list, right? Well, this is your code of honor. You said you're not going to curse anymore or you won't use bad language, not just cursing. Because, you know, there's other words that are, you know, that are just low, it's low language that is very popular among children, you know. And so, if you get them again into those good habits, but to identify those habits that they want to take on for themselves and then you reinforce them, that that was your own list. It's very different than you just telling them, don't do that. That's bad. That's bad. It's different because you're holding them or making them hold themselves accountable. I mean, hold themselves accountable to their own list. Okay. So, that was sort of, you know, the summary of last session. Now, for today, again, oh yeah, please. Yeah, no, that's a great question. If there's no, I mean, as long as there, you know, the consequences are not harsh on them, but there's always room for, you know, improvement and you're encouraging them to just try again, then they won't see it as you're labeling them or something negative that they did, right? So, it's really the way that you package it. But I think it's really important for them, yes, to learn from mistakes and that at every point, if they do something that they, you know, shouldn't have done, that you gently guide them to corrective behavior and just remind them, listen. And that's why, as parents, we should always come back on ourselves, you know, and talk openly with your children that I make mistakes. So, one of the golden rules of parenting is to apologize. If you make a mistake, you know, don't think that, oh, I'm above my children. They should, I'm not going to say sorry to them. This is really important. If you make a mistake, apologize for it. I'm really sorry I did that. I'm really sorry I said that. Mommy made a mistake. Baba made a mistake. We shouldn't have done that. May Allah forgive us. This type of humility is what? Teaching them, A, that you see your own, you know, mistakes as well, that you're not just, you know, standing on your, you know, tower, like looking down at them and you, you know, you see yourself above them but that you see what you want for them to do for themselves, which is having humility, being able to recognize their mistakes but model it for them, you know, you can't expect them to apologize to you when they make a mistake or recognize their own if you don't do that ever, right? And especially as they get older, and we talked about this in previous sessions but all these things that we do is when they're younger, they will come back to somehow, you know, reflect whether or not it was effective or years, you'll see it, you know, and just be patient, inshallah you're doing the right thing but I, you know, I see it with parents who are very harsh in their tone and very just, you know, like I said, that authoritative really strict model, then they wonder why their children later on in life, you know, in their teen years are really, you know, rebellious and they're slamming doors and they're just, you know, fighting them on every single thing. It's because the model was you know, set very early in their life and they saw it. They saw how to do it. You taught them. So, you know, we have to stop that from happening. So, thank you for that question though. So for today, you know, just again summarize in the very first session we talked about the five characteristics of an effective leader and these are certain qualities that we all should want which are strong communication, passion and commitment, positivity, innovation and collaboration and, you know, just these are things that we should all possess but they'll, you know, in different areas they'll come out and so just going back to that earlier slide here for today, for this part of the session I wanted to talk about the potential dangers and threats. What are the greatest threats and dangers? What do you guys think? Right now, if I asked you what are children, what are the greatest threats for children? What would you say? So, entitlement Okay, entitlement, abundance entitlement, having too much of everything. Okay, masha'Allah. Anybody else, yes? Self-identity, very good. Self-identity, yes. Pressure? Peer pressure, you mean? Yeah, peer pressure, yeah. It's a big common one. What else? Oh, yeah. Absolutely, there's definitely an attack on religion, right, and there's just faith in general, not just Islam, but faith in general. A lot of people are being attacked that way, very good. So, you know, I've identified here that some of the threats are not all, but we have the first one here I put as a combination of shaitan and nafs. You know, a lot of the parents that I talk to they're very overwhelmed, they're very exhausted and they usually have some external problem, whether it's bad company, or a lot of times now it's social media and devices and they're always like, what do I do? And that's where they think the problem lies, you know, and these external things. But if you really get down to the core issue, it's this issue of what? Not being able to self-regulate. You know, the nafs we're just, we're created weak, we know this from a spiritual perspective, and we need to teach our children as well that listen, you have this nature about you that is going to fall weak and you need to learn how to control when it behaves impulsively because in addition to this nature within you there's also this other, you know, clear presence that we have, we might not see him but we have to teach our children shaitan is real and to really help them realize how the combination of these two working together affects their ability to control themselves. Because when they don't have that all of these other things that we've talked about will affect them, whether it's bad company, peer pressure you know, just abundance, all the things that were mentioned, it will affect them if they don't themselves know how to identify their own weaknesses in shortcomings. So what is self-regulation? Again, you know, let's look at this term because we should understand self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotions in accordance with the demands of the situation. It includes being able to resist highly emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calming yourself down when you get upset, to adjusting to a change in expectations and to handle frustration without an outburst. It is a set of skills that enables children as they mature to direct their own behavior towards a goal despite the unpredictability of the world and our own feelings. This is so important because this is what every parent wants. They want their children to be able to control themselves but then they don't realize that's something they need to learn how to do. You know, nuffus, we're all nuffus, but if you don't give your children the tools to be able to do this then you can't expect them but unfortunately our expectations are so high of them that it's like a vicious cycle. You know, they do something that upsets us because they didn't maybe exhibit self-control and then we punish them and then kind of spirals from there and it just keeps going and going and going but if we stop and say, wait a second, I have a lot of expectations from this child who yes, the world is like this. It's like a buffet to them. They have access to so many things now and everything looks just so exciting because they're children. So they need to know how to navigate the world and see it for what it is from a spiritual lens and how to realize that there's certain limitations within themselves and what those limitations are and also enemies. I mean, we have a very clear and present enemy. Allah swt has warned us time and time again. He is a Du'an Mubi and he is your greatest enemy and he will inspire and he will cause you to do things that you shouldn't do but if we don't make that a reality for our children and we kind of just I don't know, Shaitan is kind of like a bogeyman that we only mentioned here and there but we don't talk about it how it's a daily struggle and that they have to really take responsibility for their own behavior and to understand how it sort of all works. What does it all mean? Because they're curious. My children always ask me like can Shaitan do this? Can Shaitan do that? I have to frame it for them. No, he doesn't have power. All he can do is whisper to us and sort of ideas in our mind but ultimately it's our own nuffs that reacts to him and follows through or inshallah is able to see what's happening and then fight off his whispers but children need to again know this. So this is an important word term to know and then just to kind of again contrast it what does emotional dysregulation look like? So for some kids if they're not they don't know how to regulate they are highly reactive. So this is if you have children who are they get really upset, angry if you take away something from them and then they start fighting you on it they don't have strong regulation skills self-regulation skills and then for other kids it might be something that builds up where it's a slow build up they might be upset but they don't harshly in the beginning and then all of a sudden it's sort of like they blow up. Now I thought this was interesting because if you remember from our discussion on temperaments this very much relates which is why it's so important to know your children's temperament whether they're reactionary or not because it will affect how they learn this skill set of being a person who can self-regulate or not if their temperament is reactive they're probably going to have a harder struggle. So if you know your child and you're like wow they're intense personality types they get the anger quickly then this will be a struggle for them in certain areas but still information is knowledge so when you know this it's not to get down on it but it's more like okay how can I use this information to help them and then again for other kids it might be a slower process but they may kind of if you see a child you can see them closing up they become very constricted they pull away it's almost like it's their way of dealing with it but they kind of know to withhold from you is a way of punishing you so they shut you out and a lot of parents feel very affected by that I've had moms where like my child was my best friend and now she barely talks to me you know because I took something away or I imposed this limitation or I imposed this rule children know that they can hurt you that way and so if you have a child who might not have an outburst but they know to pull away from you then you have a different temperament but this is again important because if you want to teach them how to regulate you need to first know what you're dealing with and so it says here a child's innate capacities for self-regulation are temperament and personality based some babies have trouble self-soothing he adds and get very distressed when you're taking, when you're trying to bathe them or put on clothes those kids may be more likely to experience trouble with emotional self-regulation when they're older so again just to see it's all connected you know to how even an infant behaves can kind of give you a clue about how later on they might struggle in certain areas but this is just really important to pay attention to and we talk again about you know effective parenting it's looking at this information and applying it to where your children are at do you see certain patterns in their behavior do you see certain things that are kind of like oh you know like oh okay I do see that you know them doing that then it kind of again informs you on how to deal with it let's see so any questions about this very good so there's you know we talked about modeling and we will talk about how you know to help them but in my experience I think when you break things down for children and you really you know teach them these things as opposed to telling them and ordering them it's very different right because it's like you're letting them know that this is you know this is how you like I almost kind of created you this way and this is you know these are the things that you're going to struggle with but you know at least being open and having those open conversations I think a lot of parents when they look at parenting it's like this control thing it's like they want they wish they could have this remote control but their kids do you know this and that but I think it's a lot better if you actually just sit with your child and you explain to them listen and that's why you know if you watch the previous sessions we talked about you know that discovery process is really important to go through with your children because once you start getting them in touch with who they are and giving them words like listen this is your temperament type this is your personality type you know and giving them kind of identifying and labeling certain behaviors and that's the topic of self-regulation it's like a study you know it's not a I'm trying to just you know control you and make you do something it's like listen you and I we're actually in the same boat I'm older than you but I'm enough just like you are right I was found that has given me and you the same test I'm older than you so I'm more experienced in you so that's why I'm trying to work with you but let's do this together and so that's why children it's very effective if you do it because what you're doing is you're respecting them you're respecting their intellect you're actually you know telling them that I'm giving you this information not because I necessarily see you as equal to me we're not I'm older than you I'm a parent but I believe that you have the capacity to understand it right I mean if you look at traditionally speaking children there's kids all over the world who are learning very high level stuff at a very young age you know and they get it but I think unfortunately we kind of dumb them down in this culture and we think there's things that are too above their understanding and so then we just end up talking down to them and we wonder why it's not being received it's because of our transmission style but if you respect children and say listen this is just the way it is you know it's kind of like if they had a physical problem and you know and you were you know giving them you know the doctor had a sort of regiment for them and you told them listen you know in order to heal you need to eat this much a day you know kind of break things down they'll get that right because they understand there's a physically a problem and this is how we resolve it so the same when it comes to spiritual issues or emotional issues when they you know have a problem that you can identify you want to approach it like listen we're all in this together I'm I love you and I'm I want to help you through this so that you don't you're not affected the way you know I was maybe or the you could be if you don't know this do you have a question yes so that's what we're talking about so the tools that you wanted to give to your children are understanding having them have a clear understanding of who they are how they work okay what I mean by that is there's a physical component emotional component and spiritual component you have to address these things from that place like listen you know you're not just a kid that just goes out goes to school plays plays video games what you know don't look at yourself in that limited lens you're much you know more important than that so having really like in-depth conversations about their nature is really important to help them understand why when you say put the device away it's not good for you that they understand you know that they're that you're appealing to a side of them that they might not be aware of their nuffs right like you're you need to speak in these terms break things down for them like I'm worried that if you don't take control of your nuffs you can have you know this can become it can kind of spiral and you something can happen to you like for example with my children I mean when they were very young I introduced the idea of the word addiction to them I wanted them to know what addiction means because even though it's a word that's like oh it's you know what would a five-year-old do with that word right but I wanted them to know listen a less than I created us weak and if you do something too much you can actually lose control and then that thing is like is controlling you whatever it is if it's eating right if it's playing excessively on your phone if it's you know doing anything if you do too much of it it can end up controlling you and so addiction is something we should not do we should not indulge but how do we protect ourselves right we self-regulate we stop at a certain point we don't indulge always this need to want to do everything so they they understand and they have the money understood that word so now anytime they do something to a point of excess I'll remind them you know remember what we talked about the nefs the nefs is weak and it's going to make you want to keep doing it doing it doing it kind of like if you if you want candy and you eat too much of it what happens you get physically sick right well with the nefs if you do something that's not good you're going to get emotionally or spiritually sick so they kind of again understand but the tools are really in communication so when you know there's there's no magic you know potion to this you know it's a matter of explaining and really communicating effectively to your children and so part of the next step would be to actually as as I mentioned talking about shaitan not as just this scary entity but breaking down how he works what does shaitan do how does he do it I want nothing I'm worth nothing subhanallah I mean that's tragic but see this is where again you have to break down you're worth so much remind them of who they are bring that you know just look at it go through and remind them subhanallah could have created you into anything you know but he created you as a human being he gave you the highest you know level even if you if you reach your highest potential you could be above the angels you know but they need reminders like that and I mean that's you know we can we can talk about that further so these are things that clear communication can be very effective in getting through to children you know we just have to know how to to word things and how to appeal to their understanding but breaking things down I think is what I really encourage parents to do instead of just speaking in general terms or just giving orders a lot who are very very good at just do as I say just do as I say don't ask me why but no sometimes children need to understand why you know if that's your model just tell them what to do and they better do it and then you wonder why they don't respect you and why they don't do it it's probably because you haven't convinced them convince them you know get into their rational mind and help them see and give them the benefit of the doubt that they would actually understand yes yes please right exactly absolutely and that's that's empowerment when you're constantly right to reminding them of their potential and reminding them that yes if they access this or if they do this they can reach that level of understanding so thank you that's exactly you know what what when we talk about tools it's a really just giving them more I think credit that even though they're small not limiting them to think that oh they don't need to know this you know yeah there's certain things age appropriate you don't need topics you don't need to talk about but don't limit their understanding of things that are that are helpful to them because it's very helpful for them to understand their nature and to understand how they you know their relationship with Allah and what external factors there are that impact their behavior what internal you know shortcomings or strengths they have it's important for them to know the stuff but you know back to this Shaytan is something that really we should be able to break down for children and help them understand how he works because we just say oh he whispers what does that mean well he compels you to towards wrong action so every single time you do something that you know you shouldn't do be aware that perhaps especially you know as children move out of fitra and they're in that age of you know discernment and they know right from wrong that you were you know under attack you know that Shaytan is whispering to you and you have a choice to either follow through with what he's saying or listen to that other part of you and that conscience you know that tells you oh no I'm going to get in trouble I shouldn't do it that's that's the part of you that beautiful part of you that you should also you know know about your rule that part of you that is always longing for Allah that's always wanting to be better know that part of you as well and know when you're in that struggle you have a choice to make are you going to listen to Iblis who just wants to take you down or are you going to you know fight him off even if it's a struggle for you but actually breaking things down he deceives you right he's a liar so he will distort things he will make things appear not as they are for example that I am your enemy if you ever have a thought that I'm against you as a parent just because I withhold something from you know with certainty that's from Shaitan your teenagers especially should know that I can't tell you how many times especially after events like this or any of the events that I do now I'll get a lot of parents coming up after me with concerns because their teenagers are just you know very angry with them they don't know how to deal with them you know they don't know how to deal and it's like subhanallah the fact that the child is indulging these thoughts of anger as their parent is a problem because they need to realize what's the source of that right any negative thought towards these two people who have taken care of you loved you nurtured you since you were an infant and now just because they don't give you your phone you can actually build up hatred out of the law towards them that's horrible but they need to identify not to blame you know them necessarily because they are under attack but he finds ways this is what he does he knows what he's doing but let them identify just kind of again come out of that state and realize that this is all deception he wants to make you think that we are your enemies that we are strict and that we're so harsh and that all these other parents are so nice because they let their kids do this and this and so he creates these they're convinced of that so every time you say no or don't do this they're under that that spell confuses them they need to understand if they're ever in a moment where they're just not sure about something and then again they find themselves doing something they shouldn't do he's likely confused their understanding of Islam of your parenting the rules in your house just he wants to again cause that sort of disarray he angers them so this is connected to again what we said earlier but if they have real serious anger whether it's towards their siblings or anybody else they need to identify the source of that anger so when we talk about self-regulation anger is one of the diseases of the heart and which we'll talk about next this is very important to have these conversations with your children identify A how Allah has kind of designed you identify the enemies that are around you and within you and then now know how to work on them but anger is a big one which we'll talk about he entices us to illicit behavior so anytime you're doing anything inappropriate this is shaitan and it's not a scapegoat when it's with children because as adults when you've done something it's not a scapegoat but remember with children they are under attack because shaitan's ammo or his signature style is what this is important to know how do you differentiate between your nafs and shaitan your nafs is a repeat offender so if you're doing the same thing over and over again for 10 years you can't say shaitan made me do it that's just you your nafs is habituated to something wrong you need to take responsibility for it but if you've never done something before and then shaitan inspires you to do it this is iblis because he's not interested once you've habituated to something it's like his job is done in that area he's going to move you on because he wants you to progressively worsen so that's for adults this is how it is but for children they're new they're in fitra, they're pure sort of a game that he plays so he's going to attack by encouraging them to do everything that's harmful so when we remind them that this is iblis it's not scapegoating it's actually the truth and then tell them but if you keep falling into that then that's your nafs now you're giving them clear something clear to work with but this is how you break something down for them empowering them and then the purification of the heart this is the next step if you really want to talk about tools this is a major component of it once you've identified all these threats and dangers the next thing is to say now let's look at internally what each of us and to include yourself in the conversation if you're going to sit there and do an exercise point out all of their flaws and faults be willing to identify the same in yourself say you know what, just like sometimes you have a problem with anger mommy has that too I get upset sometimes and I need to work on that maybe we can look at that section together and look at how can we both because we're both afflicted it's just the reality and that's why when you study these things instead of coming to your child and pointing fingers and labeling and name calling and coming from that anger angle, excuse me, it's a very different experience because it's inclusive language it's like you know what, we're all in the same boat we're all servants of Allah we're all weak, we're all nafs Allah has given us all these different challenges but guess what, my challenge might be different than your challenge but we're all doing, we're all in a different challenge but let's alhamdulillah look to the tools that we have our faith alhamdulillah has the answers we have the perfect example of the Prophet SAW let's look at what we've been guided to how to remedy these things so here, you know, learning these diseases are very important, I think there's a total of in the purification of the heart actually here's the text for those who've never seen it before but I highly encourage you to get it this is, Shahumza Yusuf did the translation of this how many of you have this book? if you don't have it, you should get it immediately this is a wonderful book to use as a study for yourself and for your children but it goes over I want to say 28 maybe diseases 26 or 28 diseases but I've just put out a few here hatred, love of the world envy anger, ostentation which is pride or showing off seeking reputation miserliness, vanity these are things children are experiencing right now social media alone love of the world envy ostentation, seeking reputation vanity, you got all of these things that they are engaged with on a day-to-day basis are tapping in to these serious diseases of the heart and they don't even know we're not empowering them of course adults well that's why this parent when we talk about these workshops everything we're talking about really should be for ourselves first because then we can effectively teach our children so you're right it is for adults first but when we talk about our kids and how much they're struggling with things if they don't know that human beings are afflicted with a certain set of real serious spiritual afflictions then how do you expect them to self-regulate when they are out in the world when they're in high school or college when they're on social media how do you expect them to control themselves if we've never given them the language or the understanding of who they are where their weaknesses are and how alhamdulillah we have a tradition that has the remedies we just need to follow through right but unfortunately we don't know these things ourselves and then all what happens is this vicious cycle of reacting to each other so we don't know something, we don't understand something and then our children do something we don't like we get angered, we react they get angered, they react and it's just this crazy cycle how do you disrupt the cycle we're in this together team effort please I love you I don't want you to hurt I don't want you to go through things I want to protect you and I also need help I need you to look out for me you're my child, you can teach me a thing or two so let's do this together but this collaborative sort of approach to these topics is much more effective than top down top down is what's hurting us it's what's hurting our community and I see it all the time with parents who just don't know what to do because their kids have shut them out they don't want to listen to them they don't want to talk to them it's hopeless collaborate come together and try to bring yourself really to that level of I need this just as much as they need it we need this together inshallah so any other questions about this another book that I also brought this is about character development it's about really becoming we talk about self actualized people we talk about trying to be prophetic we're talking about building strong character but how do we do that again unless we know what the content of a strong character is so here's another book inshallah he put together a book that just summarizes it's a very simple sort of resource to go to and to study with your children over all of the beautiful characteristics or qualities of good character that you want for yourself and for your children this is the kind of textbook that every home should have but also families should study together because you can all learn from it you go through hadith it covers everything Islam is clean so cleanse yourself you can have an entire discussion on that what does that mean let's talk about why it's important to be clean consideration is from God and haste is from the devil that's a huge one because in our world today everything is so quick everything is instant instant gratification, instant access to everything here's the hadith taking things slowly, being considerate is from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala haste is from the ajlam in shaitan haste is from the devil let's talk about that yes you can find these books online there's a store right here in Dublin and also in Fremont but they're available everywhere this one is called the content of character ethical sayings of the prophet Muhammad and then this is purification of the heart but these are textbooks that subhanallah you have these in your homes and you at dinner time just try it pull it out, open the conversation when you're having dinner and just see what happens sure you want to take a picture take a picture of course but again very good resources for families to have in their home inshallah are there any questions yes if you can message me off because off the top of my head I can't think of anything but I can send you something inshallah I'm sure I have them I have a lot of stuff at home but I'll send it to you she was asking about how to effectively communicate with your children I think the fluency of how to communicate with your children honestly the first part of it has to come with being very well-versed in who you are so if you watch the previous sessions that self-knowledge is really important because once you become very well-versed like for example in the science of the temperaments it's a great tool to use to speak to speak about these things and so if you're very well-versed in yourself then you can explain it to your children there's a book called the temperament that God gave you you can look at that book you can find it online anywhere also in the libraries you usually have copies of that but that's a great book and I did provide some resources in previous sessions as well if you look at those videos that would be a good place to start inshallah are there any other questions or comments Masha'a I know there's a lot of insights that some of you have shared before and I welcome that any insights yes I think it depends on the relationship you have with your child if your relationship where you just speak in those types of very short sentences and this is it a topic is over subject is ended and there's really no clear line of understanding between you and the child or respect between you and the child you're just like halas I said it, it is what it is most effective to be honest with you because as your children get older I think the more we inculcate respect mutual respect to the better we talked about that in the previous sessions but every period has a theme so in the early years they really need to play between zero birth and seven you play with your children so you want to be really friendly and open with them between seven and fourteen this is the period of teaching so teachers, the most effective teachers are not the ones that who just discipline but actually really connect with their children so you want to teach in that way where you're really bonding with them and that they see you as someone that they enjoy learning from and then from fourteen on this is befriending them so if you look at these three periods play teach and befriend there's really I don't think room in there for just this authoritative model of parenting it's not part of our tradition it's a very open loving atmosphere that in each stage is being encouraged you know to look at children where they're at and to really give them what they need so you have to know that but I don't know in my experience I'm not a fan of that type of parenting to be honest where you're just like I said it, just do it and be respected enough to where they understand where you're coming from and the intention behind what you're saying and that cannot happen if you're not willing to communicate so a lot of times though people who have that model are just not about communication they want to say you know have one line and it's understood and everybody falls in line it's kind of like a military sort of approach to parenting but I don't know if that's effective to be honest I've never I haven't seen that have long-term effective I mean maybe I'm wrong but in my experience I don't know if that's effective yes the power of why nice oh nice I love that I'll have to look that up Simon Sinek the power of why I mean right away from the title I can see that it's I'm sure beneficial but I agree 100% I've I've been teaching for a long time and I have two children but I have nieces and nephews and I just feel like when you reason with your children and you sit down and you talk with them they will respect you and you and you know there's two ways of parenting you can either command respect or you can demand respect and I think commanding respect is much more in line with our tradition than demanding if you have to demand it then you're not you're not doing it effectively but when you command it it means you've created a relationship with the child where they trust you they trust your intentions they respect you and that can't happen if you're talking down to them all the time and unfortunately many of our cultures this is what we're taught the kids don't know they just you know I just tell them what to do and you know kind of a dismissive attitude towards children and I really think it's very very damaging and it's in my opinion it's one of the reasons why I feel like so many parents are struggling because it's an ineffective model and you can undo it though don't think it's not it's too late it's never too late always have hope just go back to the drawing board and say you know what I need to undo certain things that I did with my child and teach or let them know that I love them and I respect them and start speaking to them in that way where I respect you I hear you you know as soon as they talk if you're interrupting them every two seconds no no no you don't know no let them speak let them you know get what they're about what they need to say even if you don't like it process it think about it come back to it we're very reactive sometimes as parents because we're you know we don't like our authority being challenged but when it comes to especially teenagers I mean they're growing they're becoming little adults what do you expect it's not they're not little kids anymore where you know they're just afraid of you so now you have to see them as people that you should speak to as an equal in that sense like you would another adult right so it's inshallah but thank you for that recommendation any other questions okay so inshallah for next session we'll continue with this list here and talk about sorry where did I go protect with preventative measures okay so we'll continue down this list we have these monthly the dates are usually announced I don't know if there's like a you know a set a date yet for January but inshallah they'll announce it thank you inshallah we'll go ahead and end in dua inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah thank you all for coming out alhamdulillah alhamdulillah