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A program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, usually at this time, we take you out to Jack Benny's house. But right now, Jack isn't home. He's on his way to the studio, and Rochester is driving him. Gee, it's a beautiful day, isn't it, Rochester? It sure is, boss. The sun is so nice and warm. Maybe you ought to stop the car and put the top down. Oh, boss, let's not put the top down. Why not? There's so much trouble taking down the center pole and pulling out the pigs. Yes, I forgot. This is the new one I bought at the Army surplus store. Yeah, the flap still says Field Headquarters General Bradley. You know, Rochester, I was thinking that now might be the time to trade this car in. I read where the price of the Maxwell is going up. Boss, that's coffee. Coffee. Oh, oh, yes. Well in that case, I'll keep the car. But boss. Never mind. There's still plenty of mileage in this motor. Well, if we're going to keep it, let's at least convert it to gasoline. Then keep having these coal strikes. We'll have to. Anyway, Rochester, I don't want, oh, stop the car. There's a red light. Gee, look at the big crowd on the corner waiting for the bus. Hmm, all those people at 10 cents a piece. I could get three or four of them in here and no, no, the last time I did that, I had to hold a baby on my lap. The mother didn't have any change either. Well, I, Rochester, why don't you drive on the light turned green? So did the motor that died. Well, start it. Start it. I will. I will. Rock it. You could turn on the ignition and get out and kick it right in the transmission. Rochester, just step on the starter. Oh? It's not funny. Go ahead, Rochester. Step on the starter again. Just a second. I'm connecting this loose wire. Okay. Say, Mommy. What is it? Is that car one of those new Buicks? No, no son. The Buick has holes in the hood, not in the tires. Hmm. Listen, I don't know. It must be a foreign make. Madame, it's not a foreign make. This is an American car. Not so loud. I want my boy to be proud of his country. Look, madam. Now, come on, Whitney. We've got to go. It's a strange way for General Bradley to act. Rochester, what's taking you so long? Get the car started. Yes, General. Stop saluting and let's go. Yes, sir. I've got the wire fix now. I'll step on the starter again. Rochester, when we get to the studio, I want you to wait for me. After rehearsal, we're going out shopping for a Thanksgiving turkey. Yes, sir. Hmm. What's the matter, boss? Just thinking, with my luck, if I go out and buy a turkey, I'll win one on Crosley's $2 million giveaway. Well, here we are at CBS. Drive right into the parking lot. Wait here, Rochester. I won't be long. Well, look who's standing over there. Ed Wynn. Beautiful new Cadillac you've got. Ed, that's not a Cadillac. It's my Maxwell. Oh, is it? Yes. Well, I've been in television so long, everything is out of focus. Anyway, Ed, I'm glad I ran into you because I want to tell you, your show is certainly one of the finest things on television. Thank you, Jack. I don't know. I hardly think it's that good. Oh, Ed, stop being so modest. Gosh, television. It certainly is a far cry from the first time you and I played the Palace Theater in New York many years ago. Yeah. I'll never forget that, Bill. There were you. Uh-huh. Me. Uh-huh. And Al Jolson. Al Jolson. Whatever became of him anyway. Oh, he's doing all right. He changed his name to Larry Parks and he's in pictures. He just finished a picture called Jolson's Things Again. Oh, is that so? Well, I wouldn't know about that, Jack. The only pictures I ever see are the ones with my son Keenan. Keenan, uh, Keenan, uh, what's his last name again? Win. Oh, Win. Win. That's the one. That's the one. Yeah. Keenan Win. Isn't that silly? Yeah. I know that name just as well as I know my own. Yeah, well, I gotta run along, Ed. See you again. Oh, just a minute, Jack. How would you like to be a guest star sometime on my Spidey television show? Me on your television show? Mm-hmm. Gee, I'd love it, Ed. Anytime at all. Oh, thank you, Jack. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye, Ed. Oh, wonderful, fella. Such a great comedian, too. I don't know when you complimented me so modest. Well, I better hurry in the studio. Oh, hello, Mel. Hello, Mr. Penney. Can you use me on your show this week? Oh, for heaven's sake. Haven't you got work yet? Well, I was supposed to be on with Ed Wynn last Thursday, but he's so absent-minded, he forgot about it. I know what you mean. I was just talking to him about our old days at the palace, and would you believe it, Mel? He didn't even remember Al Jolson. I wish that Mel would get a new routine. It's amazing how a guy can support a wife and 14 kids on just... Oh, well. Oh, oh, hello, Don. I'm, uh, Don. I'm looking at you. No, I didn't say hello, Don. I'm sorry I'm late, but I ran into Ed Wynn outside and stopped to talk to him. Ed Wynn? Oh, jeez, a wonderful fellow, isn't he, Jack? Yes, Don. I'm proud to say he's one of my dearest friends. Well, I don't blame you for being crazy about him. Did you see his television show last Thursday? No, no, I didn't, Don. Oh, what a shame. Everything Ed said was a scream. He's a terrific comedian. Yes, yes, Don. Quite funny. Now, Don... Jack, Jack, you know, there's certain things that's better than anybody else. In fact, he gets the biggest laughs I've ever heard anywhere. Let's get on with the rehearsal. Jack, last weekend the audience roaring during his entire show. So what? Anybody can get laughs on television if he has a funny camera, man. Now, let's get on with the rehearsal. Well, Jack, don't get mad at me. I wasn't the one who started talking about Ed Wynn. You were. All right, all right. Now, let's forget it. Okay, Jack, but I just thought you'd be proud since you're such a good friend of American's greatest comedian. So now Ed Wynn is America's greatest comedian. Yes, Jack, I think he is. That's my honest opinion. Don... Don, I don't know how much the Frank Sinatra show is paying you, but save it, fat boy, save it. Understand? I agree with Donzie. I think Ed Wynn is terrific. Do I hear a voice from the shallow end of the La Brea Tar Pits? You heard me, Dad. I ain't speaking Portuguese. So you also think that Ed Wynn is the funniest comedian in the world. Yes, he is the funniest. Present company accepted, of course. Well, thank you. I meant me. Phil, Phil, I don't know how much Alice is paying you, but save it, kid, save it. Now, look, in order to avoid arguments, let's get on with the rehearsal. Well, that's just what we were doing before you came in. I'm going to have my boys run through their number right now. Good. Now, I hope it's not one of those corn-pwn tunes you always play. Oh, no, don't worry about that, Jackson. This week I'm playing a tune from South Pacific. Well, from South Pacific. Oh, I'd like to hear it. All right, give it to him, fellas. A one, two, three. Phil, that's from South Pacific? It ain't from Stromboli, Roberto. Phil, all right, I would argue with you. To you, that's from South Pacific. You want to play it on the program, play it. But at least do me this favor. Just for a change, have the boys in your orchestra look presentable. Now, wait a minute, Jackson, what's wrong with my assembling? All right, well, start off with Sammy, your drummer. Look at him sitting there way up above all the other boys with his big bald head shining out in the audience. Now, I know he has a toupee. Why doesn't he wear it? He thinks one to a show is enough. Any more complaints quickly? Yes, but I haven't time for it now. We'll hear your band number later. Let's have the commercial, Don. Don, is the quartet here? I thought you were mad at me. I am, but we've got to have a commercial. Now, what have you got prepared? Well, we've been working all week, and we have a wonderful arrangement of the Raymond Overture. The Raymond Overture? Don, that's much too heavy for a comedy program. Well, I guess you're right, Jack. Of course I'm right. And anyway, you're not in the mood to play the violin. No, I... My violin? There's a part in this Overture for my violin? Yes, but you're right. It's too heavy for a comedy program. I said you were too heavy. And the Raymond Overture is perfect for our show. Where's my violin? Under your arm. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Are you ready, boys? All right, now, wait until I tune up. Now, just a minute, I'll get my violin. All right, boys, let's have it. The Raymond Overture. Listen, M.F.D. This is where I come in, Don. The numbers are great for the show. You know, sometimes it's good. Oh, hello, Jack. Sorry I'm late. Oh, oh, that's all right, Mary. You know, I'm always on time. I really feel awful when I'm late like this. Mary, I told you it's nothing. Forget it. I would have been here sooner, but I ran into Edwin. Geez, funny. Look, Mary, either be here on time or don't come at all. With him. Oh, he's mad because a lot of people think Edwin is funny. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack. Are you jealous again? What do you mean again? I never get jealous of another comedian's success. Go on. You're still sending poison pen letters to Buster Keaton. Mary, please. And once Margaret O'Brien got a laugh on The Luck Show and you went around telling people she was a 60-year-old midget. All right, that's enough. Now, this has gone too far. Now, now, wait a minute, Jack. Get this straight. Just because we work for you, do we have to think you're the greatest comedian in the world? No. No, Mary. No, you don't. This is a free country. And one more crack like that and you'll be the freest gal. Now, let's drop the subject. You can get on with the rehearsal. Dennis, what song are you going to sing? Jack, Dennis isn't here. Remember, you gave him permission to go to Philadelphia to play a benefit. Oh, yes, I forgot. I wonder how he's doing. Well, I got a letter from him this morning. Would you like me to read it? Yes, yes, go ahead. Okay. Dear Mary, I arrived this morning in Philadelphia after a wonderful trip on the Super Chief. My luggage is coming in this afternoon on the El Capitan. And tomorrow, my music is coming in on the Constellation. Boy, did I get mixed up in Kansas City. You know, Mary, it's a funny thing about that kid, Dennis. When he's here, I wish he were someplace else. And yet, when he's someplace else, I'm happy. Now, what else does he have to say? Philadelphia is noted for a lot of things. It's the birthplace of the Declaration of Independence. It's the birthplace of Benjamin Franklin. And it's also the birthplace of America's greatest comedian, Edwin. Mary, I thought I just mentioned that because it would burn Mr. Benny up. He's always been jealous of Benjamin Franklin. Read me that part again where Dennis says he's in Philadelphia. It makes me feel good. Well, Jack, there's more to the letter. Tell Mr. Benny that since I can't be on the program this week, I'm sending over Larry Stevens. Larry Stevens? Well, where is he? Go open the door. Mary, why tell me to open the door? I'm not telling you. That's what's written in the letter. Why? See? Tell Mr. Benny that since I can't be on the program this week, I'm sending over Larry Stevens. Go open the door. Well, that I can't understand. But, hello, Mr. Benny. Larry. What happened? Dennis wrote in his letter that he was sending you over for me to open the door. How did he time it that well? He's had me standing here for five days. Oh, well, come on in. Thank you. Well, hello, Larry. Hello, Mary. How are you, Don? Well, Larry has been two years since we've seen each other, hasn't it? Yes, sir. In fact, the last time I saw you, you were headlining the bill at Low State, New York. Yes, sir. Are you here on a vaudeville tour now? No, sir. Jack, right now, Larry's the star of the show at the Oasis Club here in Los Angeles. Isn't that right, Larry? Yes, sir. Some dialogue. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. No, sir. Yes, sir. Is that all you can say? No, sir. Dennis warned me not to get any laughs. Dennis, Dennis warned you not to get any laughs? Yes, sir. Who warned you, Mr. Benny? Look, Larry, Dennis sent you over here to sing, so let's have it. Okay. And see, no matter how near, but I can dream. I pretend that I'm locked in the bend of your embrace. I just like what is said. There's much to say. It'll be fine on the program. Larry, have you been doing much radio lately? No, I haven't, Mr. Benny, but I have a little television show. You have? Well, that's wonderful. Thank you. Someday, I hope I'll be as big a star as Edwin. He's the funniest comedian I've ever seen. Nobody asked him. Jack, Jack, let's finish the rehearsal so we can all go home. I'd like to get over with, too. I've got to go downtown, buy a turkey. Buy a turkey? Yes, I'm going to buy a Thanksgiving turkey. What's so surprising about that? You haven't paid for a turkey since you chipped in with the pilgrims. Chipped in with the pilgrims. Chipped in with the pilgrims. Larry, I don't know how much they're paying you at the Burbank Theater, but save a gypsy. Now, let's get on with the rehearsal. Don, where are the scripts? They haven't come down yet, Jack. Haven't come down yet? Oh, for heaven's sake, give me that phone. What is it, Gai-Chun? I wonder what all the king's money wants now. I wish it's my command. What does he want, Gai-Chun? He wants I should call the Mimeograph Department. Seems they forgot to bring down the scripts. Scripts? Well, how do you like that? Mr. Benny told me that when he's on the air, all his jokes are ad-lib. Time to go on the air. He couldn't find his script. Part of him was, what? The time I was out with him, he kissed me. So that's yours? That's James. Well, you don't have to worry about me. Mr. Benny ain't kissing anybody with germs on their lips. How would he know? With his bifocals, he can see them. Well, I'm waiting for my scripts. The least you could have done was to call me back and tell me. People, he's ad-libbing again. Ad-win, that's all I've been hearing all day. Jack. You, Phil, Don Gurkut, all you know is ad-win. Jack, don't get excited. I'll run up to the Mimeograph Department and get the scripts. Well, you can get the scripts if you want. Pass them out and rehearse them by yourselves. I'm going home. Ad-win, ad-win, ad-win. You think there was nobody else in show business? Everybody has to make a big thing out of it. Hello, Jack. I guess you're going to be on my television show soon. Listen, Wen, I wouldn't be on your show for a million dollars. You big ham, Mr. Keaton. 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So take a tip from the experts and smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. You'll get more, much more, real deep-down smoking enjoyment with every puff, every pack. Yes, friends, make your next carton, Lucky Strike. Go ahead, Jack. I don't want to. Jack, don't be childish. You've got to. I don't care. I'm not going to do it. Now, Jack, you're being ridiculous. You simply have to do it. Now, go ahead. Oh, all right. I want to thank Edwin for being on my show today. There I said it. Goodbye. Good night, folks. Be sure to hear Dennis Day in a day in the life of Dennis Day. Stay tuned in for the Amazon Andy Show which follows immediately. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System. Thank you for having us.