 It makes it quite difficult to actually lean into a relationship or even have the foundation to build a relationship with someone. And yet, many of you women are in this fantasy land, well, if I stick it out with him during the tough times, he'll be there for me when I need him. Well, how often does that actually work out as well? But the reality is that he can't be there for you because, all right, let's talk about the four obvious signs. He's not going to commit even if he loves you. Now, the challenge with the obvious signs is when you're actually feeling connection with another human being, it's very difficult to notice these signs. That's why this is such an important topic to discuss today. And if we're going to discuss the obvious signs of why he isn't going to commit if he loves you, well, then I think it's important to explore love. And I say this because, listen, my audience is predominantly women. And I do believe women view love from the fantasy perspective, from the Disney perspective, from the Hollywood romance perspective. And while most women cognitively can say that's not the case, the reality is most human beings are actually rather dysfunctional in their relationship skills. And they're actually rather dysfunctional in their dating practices, which causes them to get attached oftentimes to the wrong people, believing that it's love, believing that it's love. And the reason why I said the word attached, if you're not familiar with the book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I'm going to show this to you. The book is called Attached. Now, why this is such a critically important book to understand and to read is to understand something called love attachment style, love attachment style. Not love American style like the old 60s TV show, love attachment style. And there's three primary love attachment styles, there are anxious love attachments, there's avoidant love attachments, and then there's secure. Now I'm not going to go into the understanding of these because I invite you to do this for yourself. In fact, you can go to the, you can type in the book attached and go to their website to determine what love attachment style you are. What's so, what's most important about understanding this is most humans actually attached to another human being believing that it's love, believing that it's love. And what typically gets this process going is the fantasy belief that chemistry and romance equals love, that chemistry and romance equals love. And the problem with chemistry and romance equaling love is that most of the time the chemistry or the initial stages of dating is driven by lust or limerence. Let me repeat that, lust or limerence. Lust is that obvious sexual desire to be with someone. And when you meet someone where you totally physically are attracted to one another and you practically want to rip each other's clothes off and you go, well, let's wait a few days, but you can't help yourself. That's simply lust that's been percolated through chemistry. And chemistry is chemicals being released in the brain throughout the body telling you this feels good. This feels good. Just like crack cocaine. When you shoot up, you know, heroin or cocaine. Ah, those were the days. You know, there was this belief that, by the way, it made you temporarily feel good. Temporarily feel good. And that's what chemistry does. It temporarily feels good when you have these chemicals being released in your body. Okay, why is this so critically important? Oh, and limerence. Limerence is extreme infatuation. When you, when you just feel like, oh my God, this is my kindred spirit. This is my soulmate. This is the one. When we're feeling this amped up energy in the early stages, we confuse this as being love. Now, how do I know this? Well, because how many times have you pursued chemistry? I know I have. Only to find out that you wanted nothing to do with the person shortly thereafter. That certainly isn't love. And this idea of love at first sight. Sure, I do believe a lot of this love at first sight rhetoric is really, really just that chemical attraction, that luster limerence. Because the reality is, is love isn't built in the good times. Love is actually built through the tough times. And if you really want to ask yourself, is this person genuinely in love with me? Then I invite you to ask yourself. Is this person willing to sit by my side as I'm going through chemotherapy and they will wipe the vomit off of my face because I'm throwing up? Because that's what love does. And that's how love responds. And yet the vast majority of humans focus on love from the fantasy perspective, or they have a complete misunderstanding of this love attachment I shared with you, or worse, they don't understand something called the amago, the amago. And if you're not familiar with the amago, I highly recommend reading the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Because the amago basically, the principle behind the amago is that we choose partners similar to one or both of our parents because we, because A, it feels familiar to us. So if we had an avoidant parent, if we had an abusive parent, this is where oftentimes we choose terrible partners for us. And because it's familiar because of how we were raised, we believe this is love because that's how our parents showed us love. And so oftentimes when women choose abusive men or avoidant men, most likely their father was that way. Or when a man chooses a controlling woman, most likely his mother was that way. And that's a very, or maybe had a very dismissive mother, an avoidant mother, and he chooses women like that because they're reliving their childhood. And by the way, the definition of insanity is doing this over and over and over again and expecting different results. And sadly, the vast majority of human beings are following this pattern, believing that it's love. So when I talked about the four obvious signs he's not going to commit if he loves you, the real question is, does this person genuinely love me? Listen, I don't know how many times I've said the L word when I've been amped up on that chemistry, when I've been amped up on limerence, and I really thought this was the one. And not that I would virtually say it on a first, second, or third date, but when you feel this chemical bond with someone, it can be rather addictive. And then the minute you have physical intimacy with someone, you can bond with them through oxytocin. And if you're not familiar with oxytocin, I highly recommend googling it, but it's basically a chemical in the brain that bonds you to another human being. So why am I sharing all this? Because the reality is, is most human beings are rather dysfunctional in their dating process, and they operate from a place of chemistry or romance as the driving force, they hyper focus on attraction and little or no understanding of compatibility. I'm going to repeat that, little or no understanding of compatibility. And what fascinates me is women, I mean, I work with women predominantly. I'm sorry to throw you under the bus, ladies, but you all have this fantasy of what compatibility is. And I say this because I work with hundreds of women a year in my private coaching. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. And they're literally, they all cognitively believe something else, and yet their actions say otherwise. This is why if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I highly recommend just checking this out for a moment. You can see above the waterline, it says chemistry. That's what we see first. By the way, the first thing we notice is chemistry. It's rare that we notice what's below the waterline, which is compatibility, which is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And I'm here to say the emotional maturity piece is the critical piece for a successful relationship. And I'm here to be blunt. I truly believe 80% of the population out there that is seeking a relationship or maybe in a relationship right now. Quite frankly, 80% are either dysfunctional in their relationship skills, they're weak in their relationship skills, or they have clinical issues that makes it very difficult for those people to be in relationship. I believe that 80% of the population has absolutely terrible relationship skills. So that's kind of depressing to think that 80% of the population, and by the way, it's probably closer than 95%. I'm being generous when I say 80%, and that can be rather depressing. This is why it's so critically important to understand this so you don't repeat patterns over and over and over again with the wrong people, because the four obvious signs somebody isn't going to commit are blatantly obvious. And yet when we're amped up on chemistry, we can't see it because it's not obvious. And that's why we're going to talk about it today, today, today, today. So, number one, his life, his professional life or his life is in chaos, is in chaos, his professional, he's going through a lot of drama, trauma issues in his professional life. And why this is so critically important to understand? Because for the most part, men identify their whole life around their professional life. So if someone's life is in chaos, it makes it quite difficult to actually lean into a relationship or even have the foundation to build a relationship with someone. And yet many of you women are in this fantasy land where if I stick it out with him during the tough times, he'll be there for me when I need him. Well, how often does that actually work out as well? But the reality is, is he can't be there for you because the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid. By the way, I'm only yelling. I know some people criticize my yelling. I'm yelling because I'm passionate about this, but I'm yelling because I want to get it through so many of you people's thick heads. You are absolutely beating your heads up against the wall, expecting different results. And I'm here to if I'm hoping Lee, I knocked some sense into you. I get this is a wake up call. And so when someone's life is a professional life isn't I'm not talking about circumstances a bad day. I'm talking about the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid. And by the way, you pick up on this stuff right on the first, second or third date, asking him questions. But so many of you are leaning back in your feminine energy. You're just leaning in your feminine. You're just in your feminine. And you're not paying attention to what's actually happening. Stop sitting in your feminine and being in your empowered energy and pay attention. Okay, calm down, Jonathan. All right, number two, number two. He has a contentious relationship with his ex or worse. He's still in love with his ex. Let me repeat that he has a contentious relationship with his ex or worse. He's in love with his ex. How do you know he's in love with his ex? He constantly talks about her. How do you know he has a contentious relationship because he's constantly throwing her under the bus. And I'm like, I'm like, it cracks me up. How many of you will just, and by the way, men do everything I'm sharing today. Men do the same thing because when a woman's professional life is chaos, it's not a good healthy person to be in relationship with. When they have a contentious relationship with an ex, you're basically buying the bull to go with the cow. And why does anyone want to buy any of the extras? You know, so pay attention in those early stages. By the way, the vast majority of people are suckling on victim consciousness. You can pick this up very quickly when they complain about their ex. It's a contentious relationship with their ex. Look at my ex and I had our issues for the first 10 out of the, it's been, we've been divorced now 16 years. Oh my, maybe 17 years and I think almost. Wow. God, it's hard to believe we're almost at 17 years. First five, 10 years, it was contentious. Last five or six years and certainly ever since my son passed away, we have a really great relationship with her. I constantly am praising her on Mother's Day on social media because she did a great job raising our children. And so I'm here to say when a person can speak positively about their ex, not incessantly, but positively from a loving place, that's a better sign than if they're throwing their ex under the bus or they still are rambling about them. Number four, he's always busy, busy, busy, busy, busy with his family, busy with his friends, busy with the sports activities. If he's constantly busy, that's a sign he's not ready to commit to you because a healthy, happy relationship is built through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest in spending time with each other's family and friends. That's how you build the deep roots of trust to actually form a healthy, happy relationship with everybody, with someone. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit back in my feminine energy. By the way, folks, I make fun of it because I believe it's a crock of shit. Masculine and feminine energy is a fucking crock of shit. Let me make it simple for you. Empowered energy and personhood. Empowered energy and personhood. Check out this book. This book about personhood. This is about leaning into your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your self-reliance. By the way, masculine, feminine energy is gender-based. It's gender-based. We call it energy, but it's still psychologically we're thinking man or woman. This is why I'm more encouraging everyone to get into their empowered self-love energy. If you're not familiar with my book, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? By the way, there's a link below. It's a journey of personal development, self-help, and spiritual work, so we can get out of this bullshit gender rhetoric and actually start getting to the heart of what's going to help two people commit to one another. This is why ladies, I continually say over and over and over again, before the penis ever gets to go inside the vagina, purchase two copies of the book, eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, so you can understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. But Jonathan, all you're doing is telling me to read books and read books. Why can't you just get to the fucking point in your videos? This is the bullshit rhetoric I hear sometimes on my channel. Folks, if you're not willing to invest a few bucks on a couple books and invest 15 minutes a day in developing better relationship skills, better emotional skills, better cognitive skills, better relationship skills, then you have no fucking business being in a, well, first off, you will never achieve a healthy, happy relationship. You will just repeat patterns of dysfunctionality over and over and over again. It's just, it's classic. By the way, are there exceptions to the rule? Absolutely. Are there some people who didn't have radically dysfunctional, you know, childhoods? Did some people have relatively good childhoods? Yeah, but even those of us that had relative, and there's a picture of my mom and dad married 66 years before my mom passed away and my dad's 96 and a half and still going strong. You know, I had a relatively average childhood, but boy did my parents fuck me up. I mean, my mom was critical. My dad beat the shit out of me. That was garden variety, you know, shit that happened growing up in a baby boom gen X period of time. So my point is we all have shit and we have a choice. We can either work on it or we can be oblivious to it. And the fourth obvious reason that for obvious sign, he's going to break up with you. And I'm going to give you a bonus one before we wrap up is that he make his effort is minimal to your effort. So you're making this much effort and he's making this much effort. When someone makes less effort than you either match their effort or pay attention because if their effort is less than your effort, that's a good sign. He's not going to either commit or he'll commit based on his terms. We are seeing a proliferation, especially for midlife folks where it's basically my way or the highway of how I want to be in relationship. Quite frankly, this is why there's such a this is why it's so dysfunctional because you women give your power away to men. But Jonathan, men are supposed to be the leaders of the relationship. That's the way Jesus and God told me to be folks. One up one down relationships usually lead to a lot of you. You're going to have to be a submissive person to to accept a one up one down relationship. In other words, he's here and you're here. You're going to have to be submissive. You're here to encourage a mutual effort, a spiritual partnership with one another. This is why I highly recommend reading the book spiritual partnership by Gary Zukov because stop. Okay, look at everyone's entitled to do what they want. First off, no disrespect to those who prefer the one up one down type of relationships. If that's what you want, fine. But just don't fucking complain about it when that person it's their way or the highway. Okay, because that to me is a dysfunctional choice and many of you women give your power away to men and you're going to be regretting it. And it's one of the reasons why 70% of all divorces are initiated by women because they finally say stop giving my power away to a man. I told you there'd be a bonus reason why he doesn't commit. I don't want to share this with you. And this is the reason why most guys don't commit. It's because they don't have a fucking plan. That's right. Most guys in midlife don't have a plan men in their 20s and 30s. Usually they're on the hunt for a wife. So their plan is I want the mother of my children. So they have a plan in their 40s 50s or 60s. Most people don't have a plan. They don't know what a relationship looks like. So I'm going to give you a couple of clues on how to circumvent this. So ladies, before the penis goes inside the vagina, ask him this question. What does a relationship look like for you? And what does commitment look like for you? Let me repeat that. What does relationship look like for you? And what does commitment look like for you? So I'm going to ask, if you want a relationship, ask him what it looks like. And let me give you an example from my own playbook. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional, intimacy that leads to either getting married or living together. That's what it looks like for me. That's what commitment looks like for me. In other words, there's a plan. And if a guy doesn't have a plan, he's winging it. He's winging it. He's winging it. But sadly, you ladies are fucking winging it too, because you give your pout. You expect the man to be in charge. You are in charge of your relationship destiny. Don't leave it up to a guy. All right. I shared a lot of content today. I hope it made sense. I hope it may have gave you value. I hope this resonates with you because the reality is this, the traditional fantasy way isn't working. That's why I said, and this is why I'm a big proponent of taking charge of your destiny. And that's in all facets of your life. And it starts by loving on yourself, loving on yourself. And because when you can genuinely love yourself, you can actually begin to pay attention to the more critical things. And I'm going to share those with you. Number one, know your standards. Number two, know the bigger picture. Understand love attachment style. Understand the Amago. See the bigger picture. And lastly, when something feels off, it usually is. And you have a choice. You can walk away or you can lean in, lean in, and start talking to one another. Start having deeper conversations. This is why I continually recommend this book, Eight Dates, or have even deeper conversations. Read this book called Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. It's kind of a dull read, but it's worth it. Because guess what? Intimacy, intimacy, into me you see. That is what's going to make a healthy, happy relationship when two people can bond at an intimate level. But Jonathan, if I do any of this, the guy will run away. He'll be overwhelmed. Ladies, only the wrong guy gets overwhelmed. Only the wrong guy gets overwhelmed. Only the wrong guy gets overwhelmed. The right guy actually will lean in. Is this making sense? If it is, give me a thumbs up. Give me an amen. Say hallelujah. All right. I think I covered the four obvious signs. He's never going to commit. Even if he loves you just as a reminder, his professional life is in chaos. He's got a contentious relationship with his ex, or he still is in love with his ex. He says he's always busy with family and friends. He puts in minimal effort in relationship to your effort. And that bonus reason is he doesn't have a plan to commit. All right. If you did find value, purchase a super sick or super chat before we wrap up today. Let me know that this matters to you. It would sure mean a lot to me to be able to give more money away in the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. And as always, if you need some love and support, check out the link to a discovery call with me. Check out my membership group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out my podcast, The What Would Love Do? podcast. Find me on Instagram. Get my free gift. They're all in the description below. All right. I'm going to wrap up this podcast as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic, Jonathan Barrett hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone. A Pat, a Teddy Barrett pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives.