 Jane? Jane? Yes, what is it, honey? What's this dotted line on the map of the world? Dotted line? Oh, that's the international date line. Isn't that wonderful getting the boys and girls from different countries to go out with each other? Well, that's what you can expect when you listen to my friend Irma. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship When other friendships have been forgot There's will still be heart Lever Brothers Company, Makers of Swan The soap with the exclusive super-creamed bland presents Our friend Swan With my friend Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma And Kathy Lois as Jane What has happened to me? Jane Stacey shouldn't happen to a dog A big one, a little one couldn't handle it You see, my boss and the guy I'm in love with Richard Rhinelander has suddenly decided to go to England on business He says it's business There's no reason to doubt him Except that his mother and father look so happy about his leaving me Why, I don't know, I'm just an innocent bystander Perhaps they're under the impression that I want to get engaged to him They're wrong, I just want to marry him What's more, let's face it, I don't mind shipping our money out of the country to help I'm in favor of that, but it's going too far when they ship our men But then that's the problem Richard's sailing on the Queen Mary, so today I'm moping around I'm not eating, lost my appetite Think for lunch, I'll put a little salt on my heart And eat it with a dry piece of melbetoast Oh, Jane, I have a feeling you're upset, aren't you? Me upset? Oh, don't be silly The only reason I'm shaking like this is because I'm getting ready to make a mold of milk Oh, Jane, now I know why you're so nervous You're thinking about Richard going to England, aren't you? Yes, Sermon Even though he hasn't left yet, I miss him already You know he's going to be over 3,000 miles across the ocean Well, it could be worse Worse? How could it be worse? If he only went 2,000 miles, he drowned Well, I hope he does Oh, what am I saying? Oh, Jane, listen to me, I'm your oldest friend And this trip might be very good for both of you Now you can find out how much you miss each other Yeah, yeah, there's something to that They say that separation is a great test I'd like to believe Well, it certainly is Once Al and I were separated and we had a miserable time Where did Al go? Nowhere, we were in the movies and a woman was sitting between us I know what it is to suffer Yeah, I can imagine having to split a bag of popcorn three ways It's you, Richard Oh, Richard, why must you go? Why don't you send your father instead? He'd love the trip, the old dear You have to go, but you love me Oh, that's sweet Sure I'll come down to see you off What? You want Irma and Al and Mrs. O'Reilly and the professor to come too? Well, that's nice of you, Richard, but it's not necessary You want them to come All right, dear, I'll tell them Goodbye Tell us what, Jane? What do you think, sweetie? Richard's invited the whole gang to see him off on the boat tomorrow night A bon voyage party in his state room Oh, that's wonderful I think I'll wear slacks Slacks? Yes, Jane, if I fall off the boat, someone will yell, man, overboard And if I'm wearing a dress, I can drown while I'm looking for the man Well, don't worry, honey You won't fall overboard Gee, you know, I hope Richard doesn't fall in love with any of those English girls Oh, don't worry, Jane, Richard wouldn't fall for any of those English girls They're all bull-legged Bull-legged? Yes, they say a lot of them are cock-need Yeah Well, thanks for straightening me out, honey And I suppose they're all so poor They have to live in the House of Commons Well, Jane, I don't know anything about their real estate Come in It's only me, Professor Kropatlin Hello, Jane and Irma, my two little teapots One with a fancy top, one with a loose lid A little joke I picked up in the gypsy tearoom Professor, you know, I don't know what it is, but you look so different Yes, it's your eyebrows, I've never seen them so bushy Bushy? Very nice Well, I don't know what it is, but you look so different I've never seen them so bushy Bushy? Where's the mirror? Well, how do you like that? What can it be? No, I know. Last night, when I kissed Mrs. O'Reilly, I must have slipped These are her eyelashes Well, you shouldn't steal kisses in the dark Who would kiss her in the daytime? But me, it's night madness Tell me, Jane, what are you going to do with yourself while Richard's away? Oh, I'll keep busy. Incidentally, Professor, you're invited to Richard's farewell party on the Queen Mary The Queen Mary? And what a boat. It's really a hotel on water Well, to me, that's no novelty. When it rains, my room is the same features But I'll go and miss Richard. Good luck Come in Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly Girls, have you some aspirin? I think I'm getting a cold in my head Of course it can be my imagination It's not your imagination. Here are your eyelashes Oh, thank you, Professor Girls, lately he's been so sweet to me For instance, last night we had a snack in the kitchen And he turned out the lights and held me hand Was that your hand? I was reaching for the pickles I'll go along with you, Professor Janey, when does Richard leave for England? Tomorrow night, Mrs. O'Reilly, and you're invited to his farewell party on the Queen Mary Oh, bless him. I'm going right upstairs and bake him a nice cake in case he gets hungry on the trip Or in case the ship needs more ballast Oh, hush with you, Professor Come upstairs and talk to me while I bake a cake And if you're a good boy, I'll give you a picture to hang over that hole in your wall No, thank you. I don't want to cover that hole. It overlooks a beautiful view Well, all you can see out of there is the city dump Compared to my room, it's a beautiful view See you tomorrow night on the boat, Jenny. Goodbye Goodbye What, honey? Well, while Richard's away, maybe Al has a friend who will date you That's very sweet, Irma, but I don't think the warden would let him out just for that Come in Oh, Jane, hiya, chicken Hi, Al You're looking so happy about it Chicken, you are looking at a millionaire Oh, Jane, did you hear that? Al's a millionaire Al, there are three people in this room, one of whom is a very big skeptic Well, explain. Happened to have a big deal A big deal Yeah Well, what is it? It's confidential Al, believe me, I'll keep your secret. In fact, I'm not even going to hear it Goodbye, Al Sarcastic shrew Would like to tame her Oh, Al, don't look so sad Don't let Jane hurt your feelings Tell me your new deal. I'm not a septic Well, all right, it's a... Oh, Al, I think it's wonderful. It can't miss Chicken, I like you to have confidence in me, but you go overboard Must hear the deal first It's a report card with a railroad ticket printed on the back So when a kid gets bad marks, he can leave town That's wonderful. You know, a thing like that can stamp out all juveniles Ah, chicken, what's the use? I just heard myself say it and it's nothing And Jane's right. I'm nothing Oh, but Al, to me, you're everything No, chicken, it's about time I faced facts I can't get any place in New York Well, Al, maybe you should go to a larger city This is the biggest chicken, but it's no good for me This town has got me down. I gotta move on Need new worlds to conquer Oh, Al, you're just depressed You'll feel better when you go to the party tomorrow night And see Richard off to London Richard's going to London? Uh-huh Hey, chicken, that sounds like the spot for me And that fog, a guy can get away with anything I mean, nobody has poking their nose in his business Oh, but Al, you'll be on the other side of the ocean And I'll miss you so Every time I go to Coney Island I see something washed up on the beach, I'll think of you Tender thought, chicken Now, all I gotta figure out is how I can get to London without paying And there's only one man who can help me Who, Al? Who else but... Hello, joke Al, got a problem Got to get to England on the Queen Mary, no fund What's my move? Contact Saltwater Sam Who works very close with Limehouse Louie Well, how will I know him, Joe? When I go down to the Queen Mary I'll see a head sticking out of a porthole Yeah, but there's a lot of portholes on the Queen Mary Throw a rock at the head If it doesn't duck, it'll be Saltwater Sam Used to work at the Coney Island baseball concession Oh, yeah, I remember him The guy was always complaining his feet were hurting him Yeah, but Joe, how will he get me over? He'll pack me in a sealed can filled to the top with oil But Joe, how will I breathe? What if I don't, the ride is for nothing No, Joe, thanks for the effort, but do not wish to travel as a sardine Goodbye, Joe Chicken, Joe gave me the idea I'm gonna stow away on the Queen Mary But Al, they're liable to catch you Got to take that chance Oh, but I'll miss you Chicken, our future lies beyond the seas Who knows, I may go to the continent Pick up some polish, contacts, maybe even a title Imagine me coming back, a prince Oh, what a thrilling day that'll be And I'll be waiting for you on the pier Saying, here, prince, here, prince Ladies, did you know that swan soap actually differs from other soaps? Sure, feel a cake of swan It feels smoother As Susie Swan says, it's a smoothie It's a smoothie, it's a cake of swan You can feel that super-creamed blend You can feel a difference in it You can tell it in a minute It's a smoothie That swan Yes, ladies, the way swan feels Is a direct result of swan's super-creamed blend Just run your fingertips over the surface of a cake of swan Feel the smoothness See how swan's super-creamed blend Makes swan dipper from other soaps Then feel swan's suds They feel richer, creamier And swan's mild suds protect your hands Sure, when you're through, look at your hands You'll see they're left with a smooth, soft, young look And swan's super-creamed suds rinse away so completely Your dishes don't need wiping You bet! Swan soap means faster dish washing And protection for your hands Thanks to swan's exclusive super-creamed blend I'm all set to go down to the Queen Mary to see Richard off Believe me, Jane Stacey is one great actress I won't show him what my real feelings are I'll be casual, indifferent Blase, think I'll take four handkerchiefs along in case I crack But I won't I can control my emotions I'll just say, uh, have a nice trip, Richard And he'll kiss me He'll kiss me And I'll report immediately to the captain and ask to join the crew at no salary Oh, what's the use of kidding myself? As far as we women are concerned, baseball is not the national sport And, because if I didn't have enough on my mind Irma and Al are acting very strangely They're behaving in a very offbeat manner Irma, look, we better get to the pier, honey The boat will be leaving soon What's going on between you and Al? Don't worry about us, Jane We'll meet you there You'll meet me there? I don't understand You two aren't up to anything Oh, no! And why are you staring at each other? Uh, you heard that expression Drink to me only with thine eyes We're on a binge I was only trying to be helpful Well, I haven't got time to discuss it now I'll see you on the boat And be sure that nothing goes wrong Goodbye Okay, chicken, we gotta act fast Gotta promote an angle that'll take care of my passage on the Queen Mary Al, I've got a thought, but I don't think you'll like it Speak up, chicken Many a great thought has come from the mouth of a child Al, why don't you work your way across? Go away, kid, you bother me Al, I don't know what other way there is of going But one thing I insist on If you're going to go, it has to be honest See what you mean, chicken? You can trust me Got the angle We'll stow away in a lifeboat Oh, but Al, that's not honest What do you mean, chicken? Does anybody else go in a lifeboat? No Well, then if I'm not taking anybody else's place, it's honest Oh, I apologize, Al, darling You know, for a moment it seemed crooked But when you explain it, it still seems crooked But you say it's so honestly that I know it's not crooked Like that trait in you, chicken If you were only the district attorney This would be a progressive city for a man like me Now, chicken, getting into the lifeboat is simple But the main thing is, how do I get food and drink? Oh, that's simple, Al Just ring for room service Chicken, don't you understand? No one must know I'm in the lifeboat So it must depend upon you to get the food to me After two days, I'll come out and they can't throw me off But, Al, how will I do it? Easy, chicken So they won't suspect me when I get on board You bring a suitcase full of the necessities of life Walk casually along the upper deck where the lifeboats are Slip me the suitcase, blow me a kiss And then walk nonchalantly back to the pier But, Al, how will I know what lifeboat you're in? Well, put question You walk along and knock twice on each lifeboat, like this When you hear two knocks back, you know I'm under the canvas Alright, Al Chicken, feel the need of a rehearsal Now you're on the boat and someone comes up to you and says What are you doing with that suitcase? What do you say? Do you think I'll let my boyfriend in that lifeboat starve? Chicken, don't you see they mustn't know I'm in the lifeboat We'll tell you what to say You are a fashion designer And you're taking some sketches over Because you're putting on a fashion show As you understand, a lot of women over there have nothing to wear Got it? Got it Just to be sure I'm sailing with the wind behind me repeated for me Oh, that's silly Give it back to me, chicken Alright, Al I'm putting on a show over there for a group of women who are sketches And they're going to be a show without wearing anything Now aren't you sorry you asked me to repeat it? Chicken, forget it We'll give you a simple phrase you can't miss If anyone talks to you, say you're going over with a convention Of the Daughters of the American Revolution You got it? Yes, I'm going over with the Daughters of the American Revolution Perfect See you on the boat and don't forget the suitcase And the two knocks for a signal Okay, Daughters of the American Revolution Suitcase and two knocks I've got a good state room on the Queen Mary He's driving me crazy He's taking one last look at the New York skyline And I'm a girl I'd like him to take one last look at my waistline But he's not going to leave before I plant a good kiss on him Richard What is it, Jane? Uh, haven't you forgotten something? Well, I don't think so I've got my tickets No, no, I didn't mean that Well, there's my trunk and the large suitcase and my, uh, my visa Richard, I'm not talking about the things you're taking with you I'm speaking about something you're leaving behind Oh, I know what you mean, Jane Or you're a darling to think of it The kennel said they'd take care of my dog Richard, for your information, I cannot bark But you're also leaving me behind Oh, Jane, I've been an awful fool I apologize Well, don't waste time apologizing, the boat's sailing Come on over here, darling Oh, Richard Oh, murder Whoever you are, just slip it under the door and go away It's only me, Professor Krapatkin Hello, Richard, I came to wish you a good trip And I came along with the professor to give you my best wishes Too, Richard, darling Oh, thank you, folks Jane, you were not interrupting anything, are we? Oh, no, no Where are Alan and Irma? Oh, they'll be along Richard, here's a little going away present for you It's a cake Well, thank you It's my mother's recipe She used to make it for my father Richard, you'll be interested to know that Mrs. O'Reilly was an orphan when she was two Oh, go on with you, Professor He's such a boy at heart Always trying to amuse me with little games Like when we came aboard, he wanted to play pirates Blindfold me and let me walk the gang plank So I'll think of something else Oh, I'm glad you're here, Irma I don't want to sail without saying goodbye to you Where's Al? Oh, he'll see you later, Richard Like in a couple of days What? Oh, have a nice trip, Richard And when you get to England, will you stop off at Oxford And bring me some of those shoes that the students make there? Oh, Irma, don't be ridiculous Say, honey, what's the idea of the suitcase? Oh, I'll tell you later, Jane I want to take a look around the boat Oh, boy, eyes, Richard That's French, I didn't want to use it Because this is an English boat, but you'll understand Thank you, Irma, and goodbye Now, I've got to find the lifeboat where Al is Well, miss, are you going to take the trip across with us? Uh, no, General, just partway What? I mean, my boyfriend, I mean, this is a nice boat, General I'm not a general, I'm a captain Oh, well, you work hard and you'll get a promotion Oh, where are the lifeboats? Right up here on the top deck May I carry your bag, miss? Oh, no, thank you Is this your first trip abroad? Uh, yes, I'm going over with my daughters to start a revolution What? What are you knocking on that lifeboat for, miss? Well, it's a good luck to knock on wood Sir, haven't you any work to do like throwing out the anchor or checking the oars? I have a crew to do that Now, what are you knocking for? Uh, I'm sorry, I thought I heard someone say come in I beg your pardon Lady, will you please stop knocking on those lifeboats? All right, I will I don't wish to be rude, but it's just against the rules Yeah, would you like a cigarette? Uh, no, thank you Well, if you don't mind, I'll smoke my pipe What's a captain without a pipe? I'll just knock out some of this tobacco What was that? Your pipe made an echo That's ridiculous I think there's somebody in that lifeboat Oh, no, if there's anybody in there, I'll have chased him out Who's Al? My boyfriend, the man in the lifeboat What? I don't know who you're talking to, but tell him to blow Whoever's in there, come out Ain't nobody in here but us oars, folks This is ridiculous A stowaway Now, just a minute, Your Honor I got influence, I know the captain Al, you do Let me handle this chicken The captain happens to be a very good friend of mine I see Please, chicken I was hired by the captain to inspect the lifeboats Al, you see What is a chicken? This is the captain Well, captain, this is a fine way to treat an old friend Didn't you recognize me? No, but I do know that you'll be thrown off this ship You could be locked up for a thing like this Now, wait a second there I'm a friend of Mr. Richard Ryanlander Oh, yes, well, we just see about this Come with me Oh, gee, Richard, we have to go now Please take good care of yourself, darling I will, Jane Have a good trip, Richard Oh, bless you, my boy Now, don't wait, Jane, you give him a great big kiss Yes, it's an old custom to kiss people who are leaving goodbye Oh, I didn't know that I must get tickets to someplace Save your money, Mrs. O'Reilly You could go around the world six times And I wouldn't shake hands with you Oh, my chef professor Go on, Jane, you give him a big kiss I think I will And thank you I think you've been a grand audience all afternoon Oh, forget it, Richard I'll mail you a kiss Come in I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Ryanlander I'm Captain Pearson I found a stowaway You claim he's a friend of yours Irma and Al Oh, well, you see, Jane Al wanted to make contacts And saw... Oh, don't bother Don't bother explaining We're getting off this boat And you're not getting out of my sight The two of you Goodbye, Richard, darling Bon voyage Goodbye, Jane It's a long gang Take good care of yourself Come on, hurry up Follow me into this elevator Come on, Professor, quick Take it easy Mrs. O'Reilly has my arm And she hasn't hurried since bull run Let's make sure that everybody's here Al, you... My goodness Where's Irma? Well, she was just here She must have taken the wrong door And she'll be stranded on the boat Oh, we've got to find her Everybody look Everybody look in different directions Come on Come along, Mrs. O'Reilly Wrong I can't, Professor It's these new long skirts Why do you bother with long skirts When it's a long hat you need Come on Yes, lady We've been looking high and low For a friend of ours She's a blonde in a red suit A blonde in a red suit Oh, yes I believe she's the last person We let off the boat before we sailed Before we sailed Ow, we're moving Isn't that the young lady You mean waving down there On the pier Have you heard? Have you heard? Ladies, you can save 50% On a modern heavy-gauge aluminum saucepan Just the kind of a two-quart saucepan With a cover that's so useful in your kitchen The saucepan is a fine 18-gauge aluminum With a no-twist handle And both the hand and cover knob Are made of no-burned Bakelite This handsome saucepan is worth $2 But you can get it for only $1 It's the famous Regal Aluminum Wear The really perfect modern kitchen wear Yes, and they're made with inside Sunray finish So bright, so beautiful Now here's all you do to get them Send in box tops or wrappers From any two of these Lieber products Lux Flakes Rinseaux Lux Toilet Soap Life Boy Silver Dust Spray Or Swan And when you buy them You can get handy order blanks As well as the other information you need Orders will be sent post-paid Within three weeks The offer expires August 1st, 1948 It is subject to state and local regulations Just send your money Together with box tops or wrappers From two Lieber products And your name and address To Lieber Homemakers Club Box One, New York City We were taken off by the pilot boat Except for the fact that I got soaked to the skin And so sick I couldn't walk It was a delightful experience But I haven't forgiven Irma For the trick she and Al tried to pull So I said, Irma What in the world ever made you believe Is he any better in London than he does here? And Irma said, well Al is very handy with tools And I heard that the London bridges are falling down Maybe he could fix them You know something? I'm living with someone beyond repair And that's my friend Irma My friend Irma presented by Swan Another fine product of Lieber Brothers Company Was produced and directed by Cy Howard Tonight's script was written by Cy Howard Mark Levy Folks, next Monday evening, listen again to Our friend Swan With my friend Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma And Kathy Lewis as Jane The part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Conreed Ladies, listen The shortage of fats and oils is still very serious And it's worldwide So please keep on saving every drop Of used kitchen fat Your butcher will pay you for every pound Frank Bingman speaking Sprite Cakes are light and high Sprite There's a reason why Sprite Cakes improve with Sprite Rely on Sprite Yes, there's a reason why Sprite makes grand cakes Sprite has an amazing cake-improver secret Try the Sprite one bowl away And be sure of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time No other type of shortening has Sprite's cake-improver For new cake-making success, try Sprite The pure, all-vegetable shortening Rely on Sprite S-P-R-Y Rely on Sprite S-P-R-Y Tune in next week, one hour earlier And listen to the Lux Radio Theatre Immediately followed by my friend Irma This is CBS, where 99 million people gather every week The Columbia Broadcasting System