 John Reynolds Hi, welcome to another episode of recover loud. I'm your host Mike Paddleford and I recover loud This show first started with the hopes that we could help end the stigma of substance use disorder and try to help to save some lives Let's go. I'm on a journey to discover the truth living life and recovery is lovely You got the power in you surround yourself a positive energy judges hitting people with provocative penalties Need to make a change Advocate to change the laws to people that it's not insane when you stand behind a cause I'm here to speak about the pain recovered loud to normalize the disease That's been killing all my friends and my family the time is now to let it all go Recovered loud the benefit is healthy people family and friends that never have to overdose ever again Never have to plead out to a lesser defense. I'm proud to say that I recover loud I never thought I could but I'm so proud that I discovered how to live my life again Controlling my own destiny. I needed recovery. I still need it desperately Addiction never define my head recover loud. Here to tell my own story. I recover proud safer life I'd like 40 I recover loud. Yeah, I recover loud. I recover loud Yeah, I recover loud. I recover loud. Here to tell my own story I recover proud safer life unlike 40. I recover loud. Yeah, I recover loud I recover loud. Yeah, I recover loud. I recover. I recover loud I recover I recover loud. I recover. I recover loud I recover I recover loud Recovery started in 2018. I was living in Waterville and I was on probation and my PO Sick of me failing urine tests and catching new charges and stuff. So she's like you need to go to the sober house I never knew what a sober house was no idea like Anything about really even recovery at that point. I just had heard of AA meetings that I've been doing the past and so still got a sober house here in Augusta called James Place and I came out here to James Place and That's where it all started coming to James Place is was my first experience like finding real recovery So for me my recovery is there's two parts and both parts are as equally Important as the other and I need both parts for either one of them to work For me, it's Jesus and community I didn't know that that's what I needed until I got here I first needed the community which is getting me here in the community I met people in the sober house that talked about this church that they went to and I'm not like Christian, you know I wasn't really just growing up or anything or really had any kind of relationship to higher power and these people talking about this church And they're like, you know, you'll love it. It's really like people there just love you no matter what like I'm used to being like, you know Stigmatized and like criticized because the way I look and like the lifestyle I used to live So I was like really apprehensive about going and But everybody in the sober house, you know, these people are all like, you know My people and they're going to this church and they're really like feeling it So I'll try it and I did and it was like the first time I had ever Really like listen to somebody when they talked about God because my idea of God was way different I grew up like my dad was Roman Catholic and it was like fire and brimstone like, you know If you do bad you're gonna go to hell So you did grow up Yeah, but not they didn't go to church. They were just like, you know, like just tough, you know, so Getting into a church where I actually felt like loved for who I was was like it was an extremely New feeling I never even felt from a human So for me to understand the concept that something could love me no matter what I've done no matter where I've been and Like genuinely love me like no matter what was like. It was truly life-changing. So I got that from church And then coming into the recovery community by living in this overhouse I'd felt out from the people in the recovery community like I came here like with a good dog with my tail between my legs Like I didn't know anybody. I was like, oh, it's gonna be, you know, it's like come from Waterville Well, like it's gonna be just like water, but I'm into getting in trouble and doing all this, you know Nobody actually really cares about you and then coming into the recovery community here in Augusta Feeling like these people actually love me. I came with nothing in my pocket I remember going to AA meetings and meeting people at the meetings and they'd like take my phone number down They're like calling me a couple days later. You want to go get some coffee? They pick me up buy me a coffee pack of cigarettes and then just drop me off. Yeah, and I'm like, that's so weird I'd never had people just be good to me for nothing Right. It was always because somebody wanted something in return. So that's the first time I'd like ever felt it like feel like felt like what it felt like to be loved and Feel like a recovery community. What actually led you to using it? My dad I mean now in hindsight now that I actually have a couple 24 hours together I think I was like always an alcoholic and an addict whether I use the substance or not Just the way that like, you know, our mentalities are it was very selfish self-centered thought the world evolved around me And that's not like an egotistical way like I thought good of me I guess it's always me me me like you know, I poor me pity me Just always nervous and fearful of the whole world growing up my mom was a really terrible She still is I don't have any contact with her. It's really bad alcoholic and I Guess it was just bound to happen but my dad the catalyst really was my dad died when I was 12 and He was the only type of stability I'd ever had in my life My mom just was like a complete mess like it's passed out on the kitchen floor for days at a time And my dad was a workaholic so he'd get home from real late at work Put us kids to bed pick my mom up clean her up put her to bed and how old are you? All my whole life growing up like My earliest childhood memories like four and up. That was like the whole childhood my grandma's got like these Insane photos of like coming home to like my mom passed out on the floor Milk spilled all of the kitchen floor because I'm trying to pour a bowl of cereal at three My sister's a year younger than me trying to make her cereal and I'm like trying to make mac and cheese on the kitchen floor I'd like the noodles all out. So that was like a normal for me and my childhood That's like so I was used to that and then when my dad died. I had no stability and I just like I was 12 About to be 13 and I was really depressed my dad had just died and we were getting ready for school one day And I remember my mom just like came in my room and I was like putting my shoes on all like sad And she's like, you know, you don't have to go to school. You can just stay home and drink with me And I'm like, you know, what 12 13 little kids gonna say no to that and I was a skateboard punk rock And so I was like hell, yeah So I stayed home across to Saudi, Iraq with her and I mean I guess that was like the first like experience like Being like alright. This is what life's supposed to be like and Did you go through your whole teenage years? Kind of that way. Yeah, I mean it was it started pretty quick in it I mean almost immediately I was a full-blown alcoholic That's not to say that I was dependent on it, but I drank alcoholically immediately. I didn't ever drink like With a normal teenage normal teenage or drinks like that, but I remember just like being, you know, I Would say like the first time I actually got drunk and I knew that there was something different about me I was with my friends and I drank beer with my mom and stuff like that to a couple sips But me and my friends stole a bottle from Hannaford and It's the type of a card with the watermelon Bacardi and we were in my room and we had like grown-up watching adults chugs They were chugging it chugging it chugging it. So we did that We just like swig handed it off as four of us in the circle We just kept going and going and then the bottle was gone It was like 10 minutes and the whole thing was gone So we hadn't kicked in yet. I went downstairs to make some ramen and I'm like it's like such a vivid memory The when I got downstairs to open the cupboard the cupboard hit me in the head and my depth perception was off Yeah, and I knew I was drunk at that moment My whole body got warm and immediately I felt like just so good. There was nothing wrong My whole life was okay, and I remember like screaming up to the guys upstairs guys I'm drunk and they're like, yes, or we idiot But it's because I'm an alcoholic and I was destined to be an alcoholic that it meant so it was so different to me Yeah, it's fine. We're drunk, but to me it was like I finally felt like a normal person Yeah, I had a similar experience when I was 11 was the first time I drank and it was family gathering, you know my aunts and uncles You know they lived at the lake. We lived in an apartment complex. I looked up to them, you know and on the weekends they would have you know their friends over in these big parties and You know, I always had one to be there and while I was there. I was allowed to drink and To me it was it was taught to me that drinking was Taking in as much alcohol as you can till you're throwing up for passing out You know and that was what I thought drinking was so as I got older That's what drinking was, you know, and I was going to the bars in Canada Living in University County the the borders right there and the drinking age is 19. Well a lot of 17-year-olds look 19 So I was going to the bar six nights a week And it was from the time I got there till the time they told me that they weren't serving me any more beer You know and I'd be woken up off the bar given the keys And I was the driver, you know, so I mean, you know that modeling that we received, you know We didn't know any better, you know and then Many cases it's too late, you know to do something about it You know and I net later on in life. I never had a problem with alcohol unless I had a drink So as long as I don't have that one I Can get through so you mentioned coming into the the sober house What led you up to that point to have you Going to the sober house. Yeah, so like that like I said that was a 15 16. I was doing that my friends and Pretty much my life just revolved around of using a substance whether it so started out as alcohol It's just so easily accessible and then you know moved on to pills a lot. Benzos have a lot to do my story, too After my dad had died I was diagnosed with like severe PTSD and anxiety Like my rest in Harley was like well over a hundred beach just sitting there and they put me on like covious amounts of Benzos and which is just a pill form of alcohol and I was ingesting so many Benzos that I blacked out for like months at a time and it was just like it was terrible And my life just kind of looked like that. I was in in between 15 to Literally 20 so it's 27 28 my life consisted of detoxes rehabs institutions jails most of the time jail and It was just like pure insanity it got so bad to the point where I pushed away entirely everybody that ever loved me Anybody that ever cared about me just didn't have any more patience with me because they were like, you know You keep doing the same thing. You keep having the same effects. I mean throughout all of this I had a child that You know most people like oh you think that would make you change and no nothing changed at all I mean, I wasn't even hardly there for the pregnancy Wasn't I was there for the birds, but I wasn't coherent. How old were you? So she's nine now. I was like 23. Yeah, you know, it was 23 when we had her and Not long after that. I was even at 23. You weren't ready to to take that on that responsibility Oh, no, and I didn't even know what responsibility was the type of childhood. I grew up in there was no responsibility My mother had no responsibility, so she didn't teach me responsibility Yeah, I mean my last grade completed in school was seventh grade and I didn't even really complete it It was the year that my dad died so they felt bad and they pushed me on the note No child left behind same thing in eighth grade not in then high school I went for like two days and then just felt expelled. Yeah What caused you to be expelled getting suspended so much times. I went longer than two days I just got suspended so many times kept getting suspended kept getting suspended. They're just like we're done with you Yeah, and I was like yeah, but I'm done with me too. Yeah, so what did you do after you were expelled from school? Did you just give up on yeah, I sold drugs and then I drank alcohol did drugs smoke crack My son actually got expelled his freshman year doesn't want to and As a parent of somebody that got expelled, you know, I was I was concerned where his life is gonna go You know and you know Even though I was high all the time. I knew that I didn't want him to you know experience that that Feeling of Unworthiness, you know not have been able to accomplish a goal So I ended up supporting and pushing him to continue school. He eventually got his GED. I appreciate you know Did you go on to get your GED? Yeah, so so not not when I was younger I had the exact opposite experience when I got expelled my mom was like almost like a proud badge of honor Right. She allowed me to sell cracked in the house. I'm not saying this to talk bad about my mother I love my mother my whole heart. This is just what really happened in my life And this is how my life was I could sell cracked in the house as long as I gave her some now Do you see your mom as as being the sick individual that she is? Once you realize how sick you right and you know back then I just thought it was party time now I just feel so bad that she's you know, she still is really sick. Yeah, I pray for her We don't talk. We can't talk until She did some help. But yeah, I just I feel so bad. She's had so much trauma She didn't know any better. She only did to me because that's what her grandfather did to her and yeah And you know, that's that generational cycle that we all run into. Yeah, absolutely You know, we just keep passing it on passing it on You know until we can find recovery ourselves Find some way to treat our problems. Yeah, right. I mean and we can teach that. Yeah to the next generation No, yeah, but sorry about the GED thing So I didn't I ended up living my whole life without really even needing it I just work odds and end jobs, but I've got arrested in 2017. This is before my recovery really started I guess you can say that it kind of started here. That's arrest in summer. So I kind of in jail and I was doing like six months or something and one of the ladies from the Adult Ed over there. She just liked me. I'd go in the library pick books and we talk. She's like, you want to get your GED? I'm like, sure. I don't even know what that would take. She's like, well, try these high-set tests And I did so well on the high-set test. She's like, you could just take the GED test right now And I bet you pass it. I'm like, all right, let's do it. So I did it and I did really well at it She's like, you ever thought of going to college? I'm like, now? She's like, why don't you apply to college while you're here? So I applied for the welding program at KVCC And I got accepted from Somerset County Jail. It was really cool Yeah, it was one of the first times that somebody had actually applied and got still accepted while they were still in the County Jail But I ended up getting out got the money and I still wasn't ready for recovery yet So I got the money and I did do some of the welding program, which was incredible I do recommend that to a lot of people. Yeah, I liked it, but yeah, I just wasn't ready to So what are you doing today? So today I Go to school. I'm not full-time right now. I only got three credits I only have three classes left. So I'm taking all of those nine credits I work full-time for the main recovery advocacy project on the Kennewick County community organizer What's more important though is today, I'm a friend. I'm available for people I'm a follower of Christ I try to devote most of my life to to being a better person every day because there's so much in my life where I wasn't a good person I'm about to be a father and I'm sober and I'm so excited about that because it's like Something that I feel like I've always wanted and I just never really had the opportunity to do it sober and like clear-minded I'm a brother I really get to be all of these things. Yeah, you know and You know and it doesn't have to it doesn't have to be just one Because you know we can become all of these things as long as we keep working You know the goal of making ourselves better You know and sometimes we don't even realize what we want to be You know, I know when I went to rehab. I had no idea who I even was I went to rehab at 42 years old. I started using Really when I was 16 I started drinking heavy You know and then graduated to other substances later on but just That was my go-to, you know a substance and you know when I hurt my back in 2002 I started getting prescribed medications and that allowed me to go that direction You know and at first You know, it wasn't even the addiction to the medication but the money and the power from selling mom You know and At the time I Justified it by saying I'm able to provide my kids though life that I didn't have that I wanted as a kid You know, we're going on family vacations You know doing all the stuff that kids could do whatever extracurricular activities it wanted And I didn't have to tell them no You know me growing up. I didn't have that you know my grandfather I was in the band, but my grandfather had to buy my trumpet and my parents Yeah, I was on the wrestling team, but I had to get a scholarship and the school provided me with wrestling shoes You know my kids didn't need to do that, you know, and so that was my justification and You know it obviously wasn't the best path to take You know and today when they look back at their childhoods They don't see The good that I tried to do you know they see everything's tainted because it was drug money or I was high when we did it or you know There's times that they didn't get to do what they wanted because I couldn't get what I needed You know, I can't even tell you how many times we're late to things because I had to wait for my And if he didn't show up sorry kids we're not going and You know today, I don't have to do that I've been noticing, you know, I Suddenly got it going on to tick tock If you're interested you could follow me on tick tock but What I'm noticing is around the country the laws out there that that main has has enacted you know The ability to carry fentanyl test strips, you know, not every state has approved that certainly Those things are illegal in some places, you know So the work that we do here in Maine that has you know progressed some of these laws is really cool That's another thing too. That's like it's been, you know not necessarily difficult, but it's living because I I'm totally supportive of all the pathways and I'm not saying that God is for everybody But for me my whole life. I was trying to fill a God-sized hole in my heart and in my soul with substances Sex food anything that made me feel better and that hole could never be filled until I Made and found a higher power and made that relationship with them. Yeah Yeah, something I was always trying to consume trying to fill it with something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and you know in in recovery I'm doing the same thing still right, you know work Had to see you know all of this stuff, you know helping people to to find a better way Right, you know that becomes an addiction. Oh, absolutely. And it also becomes my program against addiction exactly No, I'm saying connected to all these people all these groups all that you know people doing the work as well as the people who need the help, you know, and You know, if we're not in contact or you know talking to people who need help There's not gonna be anybody for us to have right, you know When we recover loud we we put our names out there as somebody that they can come to You know We don't always have to seek out somebody but if we let them know that we're here doing this stuff And they realize that they need that Exactly, you know when I was first, you know still using it in University County, there wasn't anybody talking to recovery I know there was no recovery center at the time There were no 12-step meetings that I knew of You know, it wasn't until after I went to rehab that I found out a guy that I spent You know almost every day with he would put me to work give me cash He was in a 12-step program You know it's a traction rather than promotion, right, you know and that wasn't helpful to me No, I know I know so when it when it came time that I wanted help I called my aunt who's a nurse and she did some research and said call the hospital Or go to the hospital tell them you want to Well that hospital isn't set up to detox. Oh, you know, they put me in a room for five days and left me alone But my math deal In the hospital You know, obviously if I wanted to get high I could have but I also could have walked out the door, right? You know, so I chose You know even in the face of that to not Because I really wanted it and you know as far as I knew Nobody else there had actually done it because if I knew them I was buying or using or selling them something, you know So to know people who were actually actively doing it. I just had no idea. So that's why I got out of rehab I moved to lewiston I carried about my friends back home and I decided if I recover loud enough They'll hear and they'll know You know, so that's that's how this whole show came about Um, you know, because I didn't want to stay silent and keep my friends wondering You know, and I can't tell you the countless friends who are in recovery today Um, you know that I'm grateful that they found a path You know, they either seen me or someone else doing it and they reached out and they got it done Um, but on the other hand, there's so many people that have lost, you know, and you know, that's going to continue to happen um we lost 717 last year to drug related overdose and One thing I have to remind myself Is that It could be so much higher if we weren't out here doing the work. Oh my gosh. Yeah, you know, absolutely You know last year one of the one of the bills that the recovery advocacy project worked on The expansion of the Good Samaritan The day that went into effect it had the ability to save lives Um, so what is it you're doing this year around the Good Sam bill? So unfortunately there was a A bill put forth that was actually it's kind of like Trying to target Good Sam and and trying to change that They will try to if it's not I mean can't say it's not but um anyway, so bill that bill that's been put out and they're trying to Change Good Sam so that it would people could still get prosecuted for trafficking for Furnishing and um arresting people with fire firearms by a prohibited person And uh, so we're going pretty hard at that right now. Okay. Now wouldn't that particular, um, you know firearms Uh part of it come under the violent crimes So, I mean That part so sorry one second. Um, that part is like debatable and also at the same time Is it is it violent if they're if they're not hurting anybody with it? You know what I mean? Like What if they use it for protection? You know what I mean? Like, you know, who's to say that? All we know is that we created the the Expand Good Sam so that people are covered for any reason Like you need to be able to call anyone we don't want people to hesitate You know what I mean? We want to make sure people are calling and you know, so Yeah, I got behind that uh myself. I know I remember I was with you. Yeah state house and you know, it was just It made so much sense to me Um, you know people are not dialing that one out of fear. Yep people are dying because of that When um, you know having the lock zone in a timely manner Proves that you know an overdose is a preventable Right, uh event, you know, so um, you know, it's just a shame that uh anybody would attack That particular bill When it's all about saving lives Right, and that's the reason why it was created so that lives are saved and people are trying to go and just like change it Because obviously they're looking for prosecution Over, you know humanity and like people being alive Any, you know, we're trying to eliminate any reason for somebody to not call Do you know what I mean? Right exactly like we want these people to make a call and we know we know for a fact that that's happened Right, right even today Without the knowledge of the Good Samaritan bill people are afraid to call. Yeah There's a lot of people that don't trust it right and that's the thing too. That's difficult and this summer the uh The voices projects can be really ramping up the Spreading the awareness and the knowledge about Good Sam and like what you know how to use it and how you're protected Yeah, uh, john, I just want to thank you for coming on and sharing your story today Um, you know, I really appreciate the work you're doing with the recovery at this project And uh, I look forward to more collaboration. Absolutely look forward to having you too. Love it when you come. Hey, thanks john. Thank you Hi, i'm mike paddleford and I recover lab On august 8th main's expanded version of the Good Samaritan law goes into effect This law is intended to make it more likely for someone to dial 911 in the case of a drug related overdose This law removes the penalties and the threat of prosecution For all drug related offenses and most non-violent crimes as well as probation violation And parole revocation It is now safe for us to dial 911 in the case of an overdose We don't have to take care of our friends alone Please help save a life by dialing 911 If you or someone, you know, would like to carry naloxone you can reach out to me at recoveryotr18 at gmail.com Recover loud everybody Let's go. I'm on the journey to discover the truth living life and recovery is lovely You got the power in you surround yourself with positive energy judges hitting people with provocative penalties Need to make a change Advocate to change the laws through the people that it's not insane When you stand behind the cause i'm here to speak about the pain Recovered loud to normalize the disease that's been killing all my friends and my family The time is now to let it all go and recover loud the benefit is healthy people family and friends They never have to overdose ever again never have to plead out to a lesser defense I'm proud to say that I recover loud I never thought I could but i'm so proud that I discovered how to live my life again Controlling my own destiny. I needed recovery. I still needed desperately Addiction never defined my I recover loud here to tell my own story