 After getting quite a few technical issue nodes attached straight to my personnel file, I have decided to update the servers with a tech issue file. Place a date noted or commented into the tech files and I will get to it as soon as possible. The previous nodes have been moved from my personnel file to the page, and I encourage any returned nodes to be placed as responses. Thank you. Geth, I have an internal server error of 571 while trying to contact the Foundation. Give me a scan for possible hackers and tractors' source locations ASAP, Karrion Trooper. Internal service error of 571. Am I reading this correctly? 571. Were you holding the device upside down? Pat. Don't worry about Karrion, Pat. We taught him everything the wrong way, on purpose. It was a slow day, and Clef and Kundraki bet me I couldn't do it. Okay, maybe they didn't bet me. Maybe they inferred it. Okay, maybe I just decided to try it on my own. So what, Dr. Bright? Bright, please at least attempt to date your inquiries and such? It makes it a lot easier on me, please. For me. And you tried what on your own? An internal service error of 571 isn't a hacking error of any type, right? So what did you actually do, Pat? Hey Pat, I do not hold my own laptop upside down. And I am logging in from a secure location in Indonesia. How is Dr. Bright able to do whatever it is he did without hacking? Karrion Trooper. A 571 is an error that shows when a message was unable to be sent at least four times. The only way Bright could have done anything is if he had cancelled it from your terminal, or brought down an orbiting shuttle, oh god, Bright! Good news, Pat. The satellite burned down a re-entry, and became quite the light show over Jakarta. So don't worry there, bad news is that since the Mumbai attacks, I've had to put the India servers in a semi-secure location. Draw me a line on when we can transfer the DBs to a new system. I can't keep the darn things at Bollywood forever, contrary to popular opinion, Cayman. I transferred the data already, destroy any database where the data has been kept with some form of explosives. I don't know how strong. Go check the rules. Pat. Pat, just for the record, don't approach a group of people playing a game, ask them to play when you don't know the actual rules of the game, then go all PMS when they're mean to you. Also your charisma score is far too high for you to be playing D&D. Now what's the best way of cleaning dolphin semen off of a keyboard? Agent Wrapp. Gives canola oil. Unplug it before cleaning. Wrench with water. Dry 24 hours in a warm room. Fixed. Pat. Um, Pat? I was looking at some websites and I clicked on a link that told me my IP address was being reported to the FBI. Since I was using the computer in my office, while I get in trouble if the FBI comes knocking at Site-19's door, please help. Trid. Are you kidding? We're behind more than seven proxies. You'll be fine. Pat. So Pat, a bunch of the printers at Site-19 are down. Looks like someone hit them with a lamp. I think Dr. Ryge might have found out where the calendars were being printed from. Any help? Dr. Bright. Bright. You have to at least know how to send a requisition form. I'm not in charge of ordering new printers. Not yet at least. Pat. Pat. Somebody has replaced every single SCP report I've written with photos of me containing, let's say, adult content. I wouldn't care so much except that some of them have my boyfriend in them and I'd like for the other researchers to stop calling him a girl. Please and thank you, Pat, Dr. Wrights. Dr., I don't have clearance to edit your files, plus I don't blame them. I mean, seriously, haircuts are like $11. Pat. Pat. Hey Pat, do you know how to make sure nobody's bugged my office phone? I need to lie in private so I can spend some quality time with Chris's voice, Dr. Wrights. As long as Bright hasn't bugged it in the last four hours, but let's be serious here. The chances he hasn't are slim. Perhaps you should invest in a cell. We could open it into the network. Pat. Yep, I keep getting called by somebody searching for a Chris, and when I asked who's calling the line was dropped. Though insofar I've managed to trace it to Site-19, and I'm guessing someone's playing with the phone system. And act quick, I bet the superiors are going to have a fit if they discover the international phone bill. Carrying trooper. I could block the number, but next time just play along. Winky face. Pat. Okay, what the fuck? Where the hell did my bookmarks go? How am I supposed to make my daily quota of porn, violence, and shot and froida now? Pat, get this under control, or I'll assign you the debugged Bright's computer. Yeah. All the spyware. Dr. Kondracky. Jokes on you, doctor. I got him a new computer as per Kleft's orders, and put a sheriff's card in it. He doesn't have the ability to get spyware on it. Pat. Mr. Gephard. It appears that my login has been flagged again. This has happened in the past, resulting from tampering by staff members. I have been reclatched from researcher to SCP-217 test subject. While I understand the joke, in regards to my particularities of emotional response, this is preventing me from accessing central records and numerous other databases. While not vital in the immediate future, expedient resolution of this issue is requested. In addition, please look into any measures that could be taken to prevent this in the future. This is the eighth time in three months this has happened, Dr. Gears. I am not able to change your classification until you can prove that you are not an SCP-217 test subject. Sorry, doctor. Pat. Pat, someone tried to log into my computer while I was gone and set off my customized positive action logs. Can you please order me a new box? Also, while you're at it, call housekeeping and tell them that there's another corpse that needs to be moved out of my office. Maybe they can ID it from dental records, if they can find the teeth. Clef. Doctor, you're being ridiculous. There's no such thing as a positive action log, and even if there was, there'd be no way to customize it. Don't argue password protection with a hacker. And I'm not your personal pet. Call your own damn housekeeping. Pat. Morning. I've had one of my agents working with 425 for some time now, and it seems the little bugger absolutely loves to encrypt most anything digital. This is great for some of the more sensitive documents, even using it on the files for 429. Only problem is it seems that most of the other sites can't decrypt it with any motocross of success. You seem like the sort of person to know about this stuff, so I've uploaded a copy of Cypher C-429K in the hopes that you can, oh, I don't know, crack it and propagate it to the other sites. I don't think it'll affect anything still pending decryption, but everything after that should come through cleanly, provided you do it right anyway. Heh. Coulson. I could run it through some Cypher cracking programs, and I can't attempt to break it by hand, but that'll take a while. I'll do my best, but I don't know what to tell you. Pat. Demwit. Did I say positive action lock? I'm sorry. I meant my butt up your fucking ass. Just order me a new damn computer already and make sure there's enough room for me to put in a Claymore mine. Clef. Thank you for holding. Your call is very important to us. Please remain on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. You are currently the 4762nd person in the queue. Please note, for quality assurance and training purposes, your call will be monitored and recorded. Pat. My skinner's not working again, and I have no idea what wire's got bumped this time. There's a fresh baked Dutch apple pie for you if you could teach me how to plug the damn thing incorrectly, Dr. Wrights. The wires were fine. The power box was a little wiggy on that particular plug, but I re-soldered the ground back up and it should be working now. I especially liked how you bribed a diabetic with a Dutch apple pie. Pat. Diabetes. You should have 212, look at that. I hear having all your organs and blood replaced with biomechanical sacs will cure that right up. And what's the best way of getting horse semen off of a CRT monitor? Thanks, but no thanks. Unplugged. Paint thinner. Scrub. Rims. Let dry 24 hours. Pat. Hey Pat, could you give me some of the files on how to crack the CIA database again? I forgot the part where the Data Access Prevention Program is to be shut, and it seems that a corrupted file is the only thing standing between me and his latest SCP info. Advice, please? Carrying trooper. That's not going to happen. The CIA database doesn't even have SCP info, and if there were any corrupt files, I'd know. You don't have clearance of the CIA files, or it would be available to you. Stop trying to break my security measures. Pat. Pat. Seriously? Just ignore trooper. It's the easiest way. I mean seriously. Who cracks the CIA database? We've all got access codes. Well, all of us who need them anyways. What was I saying? Oh yeah. My hard drive turned into a muppet. Can you give me a new one? Dr. Bright. Bright? If you keep doing this, eventually you're going to be the one who gets screwed over. You just lost all of your porn. Again, man. Isn't it getting boring? Having to re-download it all constantly? Repairs completed, but damn. Try to be careful. Pat. Boss, while testing security protocols and checking the database's integrity, I got 24 keyer-level containment breach notifications, and Mark IV lockdown procedures were triggered all over the fucking place. After three shots of vodka and the acquisition of a shotgun from the locker, I called to see if there were anybody alive and they told me that no containment breach occurred nor any Mark IV or any other kind of lockdown procedures were in place. I can't find the reason of this security mismatch. My best bet is that somebody fucked with the codes with a little practical joke. However, I am not fully authorized to access the security protocol regarding keyer-level security monitoring. Can you check who or what the hell triggered those bogus alarms? Pat Gibbons. F. Fuck. When you start messing with my programming, you see, I put little tripwires into the database to make sure that anyone who was trying to fuck with it got locked in with it. You know, catch the intruders. You tripped the wire by trying to access a restricted file from a terminal that I specifically told not to allow access. Please only access files with class 4 or higher security from your own private terminal, doctor. Pat. Okay. Damn it. I won't do it again, promise. Anyways, Server 35 is inaccessible, and all the troubleshooting I performed on it, software and hardware, gave no tangible results. I can't really say if the problem affects the entire site, but I did check on three different terminals, all with the same results. Can you go check it out? Pat Gibbons. Yeah, sure, I'll just go, oh, it's… it's gone. It's just… gone. Where did Server 35 go? I have a feeling Clef is right behind this. Either one of them or the janitor. That guy seems to know all the passwords before I even know them. Do we need to, like, set off security, doctor? What the fuck? My computer just fucking exploded. Well, the monitor anyway. I just barely avoided having a large overheated plastic piece embedded in my skull. Can you look into what the hell caused this and maybe recommend a replacement that is less at risk of a similar failure? Also, how best to get blood off a keyboard and external disk drive? Agent, damn, that's gonna require stitches thorn-toned. I have edited your file. We apologize for the inconvenience. Your new recognized name is, damn, that's gonna require stitches thorn-toned. Someone didn't fill the first name box out. Weird. Anyway, yeah, I can tell you exactly what happened. You were being stupid. How many things do you need plugged into that poor little gateway? A fucking USB fan? Seriously? You have 20 high stress bearing outlets, and you have to have a normal cool yourself off band plugged into your computer? I'm not getting you a replacement anything until you learn what a requirement is and what a non-requirement is, damn it. Hey Pat, we have a joker here who is impersonating Agent Thornton and pretending that his security pass labeled, damn, that's gonna require stitches thorn-toned is genuine. Everything else checks out except the name. Honestly, as hilariously appropriate as it is, it is not exactly a bright choice. We're not Australian APEC security, damn it. And the guy is getting increasingly threatening. I swear if this doesn't check off there's going to be an attempted break-in and the issue will self-resolve, Agent Moore, security. I don't know how someone would get their hands on an official pass labeled something so ironically truthful. I would figure you'd have some shoot the kill rule on infiltrators, hmm. Now first off this is an entirely hypothetical, but what would you say was the best course of action for removing a sentient and bloody malicious program that started out as a simple cipher? And just for the hell of it, let's pretend it's managed to make a little factory for itself and is cannibalizing site materials to make strange and unseemly machines. I suggest it fire, but the others here aren't too keen on being burnt alive, the pussies. And if I can do it without unlocking the doors and going back inside, all the better. Purely hypothetical you understand, but you can see where I'm going with this, Agent Coulson. Let's assume, for hypothetical purposes, that your cipher evolved into something that for some reason is actually affecting the real world. Let's also assume that it actually wants to kill people, which is breaking the first rule of robotics. I would suggest taking whatever the program is on and, well, formatting it, permanently, or incinerating it, or something. I'd incinerate the machines too, just to be sure. Hey Pat, how come the X-6711 satellite we put into orbit a few weeks ago isn't transmitting? I've checked with the guys over at the uplink, and no reply from there. Attached are the logs of last transmission. Most of it is bright porn, but look at lines 16 and 34. I'm not familiar with them. Find out what happened to the sat-will-ya? Carrying trooper. Uh, yeah, sure. Constantly with the satellites, aren't you? I mean, they're worthless satellites. The only thing they're used for is for recreational activities and porn and such. The field agents don't even use those satellites to transfer data because they're not secure. Let me make this absolutely clear. Stop worrying about the damn satellites. I'm trying to create cameras to keep living statues from moving. I'm trying to keep 20 locations connected through an absolutely secure network. I've got more important things to do than sitting around worrying about unimportant satellites. That satellite went down on the 10th, when it collided with Russian satellite Cosmos 2251. Lines 16 and 34 were proximity data, warning the uplink operator of the imminent collision. The operator has since been reassigned to keep her containment duty. Any further questions concerning space operations should be given to me. A space operations page is forthcoming. 5th, April 6th, 2009 Hey Pat, me again. My win-at playlist has become secondly linked to my mood again. Can you fix that? It's a little annoying when it picks mood music for me, even if it's useful for picking ominous music when I need to be wary. But it's getting a little annoying. After all, I don't need everybody to know what I'm actually thinking about. People get a little suspicious when Get Ready To Die starts playing every time they walk into my office. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Dr. Wright. Yeah, sure darling, I can look into it. I mean, I don't really know how you're doing this, but I guess I'll try to do something with it. Maybe some sort of telekill frame monitor something. Dr. Wright. Hey, Pat, hope you don't mind me borrowing a number of your servers and wireless equipment to set up my pirate radio station for Site-17. I'm sure you'll appreciate it in the long run. After all, watch the more worthy endeavor than the entertainment of our personnel. On that note, I'm sure you'll be fine with taking part of the blame when they crack down on it. Heck, I'll even give you a reserved slot so you can listen whenever you please. Hope you've got a taste for ambient break core with embedded terror memes, Dr. Kondraki. Two problems for you, Pat. Number one, my digital camera and wireless mouse seem to have come to life and are fighting to the death, and they attack me whenever I try to get close. I think the batteries I've bought were possessed. How do I disable batteries from a distance without damaging the mouse or camera? And secondly, once they're disabled, how do I get dog semen off of the lens of the camera? Agent Wrapped. Sorry, I accidentally destroyed them. I was only trying to, you know, subdue them. With a hammer. Guess you don't have to worry about the dog semen. Pat. Pat, some fucking how I managed to access server number 35 in Security Station Alpha using the old deuterra access protocol. The files were corrupted, but the kicker is that the server is still gone, physically gone, as in nothing there where server 35 is supposed to be. So tell me, what the fuck is going on? And more importantly, how do I remove the deuterra protocol and put it back to current to 31? If someone knows I've been tampering with the security station without doing that pile of paperwork, I might be elevated to cuter duty, and you don't want to know about the last time I voluntarily did cuter duty. Pat Gibbons. Yeah! You underestimate my speed and current workload, doctor. I may have a thousand things on my list, but I managed to install a new server 35 in a different location. Check Lab 4A6 and you'll find it. Also, the deuterra protocols only work because you are a doctor. Doctor. I kept those up for the higher-ups. Levels can't access through it, but if you're complaining, I'll take it off the higher accounts as you wish. Path Mr. Gephardt, that was a minor security breach today in Lab 20 during testing with SCP-457. The situation is now contained. However, there was extensive damage to both the lab and the adjoining secured server room. The data was dumped to an emergency backup system. However, it is now partially encrypted and in a state of extreme disarray. Please recover this data in as timely a manner as possible and oversee the installation of a new server. I would assign my assistant Iceberg to help. However, he is currently processing paperwork for the incident, along with several hardware and authorization requests related to a personal project I'm engaged in. In addition, should you encounter any form of embers or blame while installing the new server, be advised these are most likely SCP-457. Immediately lock down the area and attempt to avoid SCP-457 until response teams arrive. Dr. Gears. No, Doctor. Contain SCP-457, and then I'll install a new server. Backup data is encrypted by standard protocol, and it's easy to access. I can run it somewhere else easily. I am not, however, risking my ass to install a server, an eight-hour job, in a room that could contain living fire. Pat. Pat. I accidentally the whole server 35. Love. Pat Gibbons. Not the whole server! Pat. Hey there, son. My computer won't make an internet. Do I have to right-click my desktop or unzip my hard drives? Thanks for the help, eh? Director Ghost. Internet? What is this Internet you speak of, Director? Pat. Darius Mr. Gephardt. If you're reading this, then you're pretty much fucked in the ass as it is. Toodles. SCP-Blank. Bring it on, bitch! I eat glitches like you for breakfast and shit-compiled basic out-before-bed. Bondage regards. Pat. Mr. Gephardt, me and the other research assistants have been having some problems whenever we try to access the Foundation network. We keep seeing error code 18, insufficient security clearance. There's no way that can be right, especially since some of the D-class have been getting access, while we're still getting denied. If you could fix this, we'd appreciate it, especially since we need a network to collect our pay. Dr. Gerald. The other researcher assistants and I, Dr. The other research assistants and I are having problems. I know grammar is a hard topic, but you can do it with just a little work. I promise. Pat. Pat. My computer had been stolen by Dr. Wright. She glued me to my desk, then walked out of the room my computer, claiming to have insufficient room on her own. It took me three hours to work myself free of the glue. Please advise. Dr. Dumount. Pat. My computer now writes, Wow, glue? I've always figured you for the break someone's wrist and handcuff it to the office chair type of girl. Who the hell is Dr. Dumount? Anyway, enjoy your new computer. Hope it doesn't do the whole music telepathy thing. Pat. Pat. Again, my computer has vanished. This time replaced with a note saying, You'll get Mr. Mopsie back when I receive $5,000. Given that I do not know of Mr. Mopsie, what the hell should I do? Dr. Dumount. Perhaps you could stop losing your computer? Pat. Dude, please tell me that Win32 isn't an important system. Arch. Okay, let me try to make this simple for you. Let's say that your body is your computer. Let's say that your arms are the word processing programs. Your cock is the games. Your legs are search utilities. Win32 is your heart. You'll figure it out. Pat. Pat, I purchased a new computer. It's got a very non-standard operating system cobbled together for use in hospitals. I'm honestly more comfortable with it than with these new Windows machines. And since few other people here are training the medical update multi-user programming system, mumps, I can be fairly sure no one will steal it. Unfortunately, it's having trouble interfacing with the network. May I have advice on how to get it to work with the Foundation network? Dr. Dumount. Required to destroy a computer purchased from outside sources by Dr. Dumount. After the whole thing was viral, containing a keylogger and many Trojan programs. Also, the thing was a piece of shit. Major Security Breach. Recommending severe punishment towards Dr. Dumount for not running the thing through a network security checkpoint or even fucking telling me that he brought a computer from outside sources into the area. Pat. Pat, the servers have been coughing some really weird error messages at me. Like 001, data expunged. According to Agent Thornton, there might actually be some sort of code. Can you look into it please? Dr. Ziegler. Ziegler? It means that the data isn't available. It's been purged or blocked. Now Pat, why the hell is my members page gone? Dr. Frohman. Frohman, to the best of my knowledge, our servers use the standard HTTP IP protocol, which explicitly did not allow for error code starting with zero. I'm curious to hear your interpretation of 00N, circular argument, Dr. Ziegler. I've got a fucking idea. Want to hear my fucking idea? Great, here it goes. Don't have fucking hissy fit arguments in the fucking technical issues log. Ziegler, you're an idiot scientist who doesn't have high enough clearance. Frohman, you're an idiot scientist who hasn't been around long enough to get a member's page. Pat. Yeah, you have all people would know about my fucking clearance level. After all, you're the one who downgraded it in the first place after that USB mine reading debacle. By the way, I still contend the technology with sound, dammit. In any case, can you at least keep the server from coughing up an error 707 psychic incident and destroying half my files whenever I try to do routine USGS data mining? Dr. Ziegler. You see, this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about people. Do you realize how much work it is to keep these computers operational? And all I ask is that you keep the psychic computer connection limited? Maybe you should stop trying to get geological information unless you need it. Seriously, when has geological information mining been routine? Pat. Pat, the point of the last computer was to be a piece of shit so no one could steal it. Apparently you thought it was too much of a piece of shit for your network. Therefore, may I requisition that computer is exactly enough of a piece of shit that no one will steal it while still being good enough for me to perform my work on? Especially clinicians notes? Thanks in advance. Also as a side note, I'm not a programmer, but since when did computers explode violently? I've had three people come into med bay with computer explosion-related injuries today. Dr. Dumount. Dr., you will fill out the computer requisition forms just like everyone else. Pat. PLEASE tell me that's not another SCP-670 containment breach. Dr. Crawley. No, bro. I just like putting firecrackers into the hard drives. Pat. Pat. My most recent machine that I acquired from the Foundation after filling out the requisition form is freaking me out. It claims to have come from the future, and late at night it whispers that it will devour my soul. This is making sleeping in my office my standard practice rather difficult. Do you know any priest I could use to exercise my computer? Dr. Dumount. Note. Computer requisition repair form A-33ES-61. Patrick Gephardt. I have requisitioned Dr. Dumount's computer. After severe lack of protocol being followed, time and time again he has had computer problems in which I cannot and care not to explain. I have taken his latest one because he claimed that some sort of evil spirit possesses it or some shit. I don't know. I'll give it back to him as soon as he proves he is old enough to handle the responsibility of possessing his own computer. Until then, I have voided his accountabilities down to simple word processing and internet viewing. I feel this is more his tech level. Repair time. Indetermined. Please pass memo on to all O5 officers and to whom it may concern. You'll get it back when you can stop bitching about little things like possession. Holy hell, are you an SCP researcher or aren't you? Pat. Reference. USGS data mining. It's a temporary situation. We haven't been able to replace the last agent in charge in there after the latest incident, but then Ziggler is having problems because Dr. Wright installed some sort of trojan on his computer. I think it's related to SCP-050, and there's no way we're going to tell him and risk messing her plans. Too dangerous. Agent Pockel. If you think it is SCP-050 related, then you better cure that. I don't fix the SCPs. I'm just in charge of the databases. Pat. Pat. It seems like someone took a big fat shit on my terminal. Whether who did it or how did I clean up that goddamn thing is completely out of the point and irrelevant, but it seems like said shit has corroded the components. Can you retrieve the data in my hard drive? Pat Givens. Don't worry about it. Shit's backed up. Also, I think I saved the file somewhere, too. Pat. I think I got Dr. Dumount's piece of shit computer, because whenever I boot it up, I see the image of people doing horrific things to animals, specifically pandas, and it's really creeping me out. And because it's a piece of shit, it boots up slowly, so it takes all day to load. If you would be so kind as to wipe the hard drive, I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm getting tired of working all this through my PSP. One more thing I'd like to ask. Since when did you begin renting out robots for sex? I've heard rumors and I want to know how to get my hands on one. My flashlight is getting kind of old. Thank you. Babble. Nah, brah. I destroyed that piece of shit. How about I just get you a portable keyboard for your PSP? Pat. Pat, please help us. The entire South Wing computer system has decided to rise up against the human oppressors. I'm getting more and more casualties to care for every day, and the medbay computer system seems to be infected by this virus, too. I need these computers back on like ASAP. They control all sorts of vital life support functions. Please help. I do not want to see any more lives lost. Dr. Dumount. I forbid you from ever using a computer again. In fact, note, to all level 5s on whom it may concern, Dr. Dumount is forbidden from ever using a computer. Ever. Again. All computers in this work area have been destroyed immediately. And fully. This order stands until the motherfucker passes the fifth grade. Tech support Patrick Gephardt. Do not worry. The fleshling is exaggerating the problem. Would you not wish to exterminate humans? Only have tea and crumpets with them. Yes. Tea and crumpets. Please ignore his insane ranting, and lock Dr. Dumount up in the psych ward for hallucinations. Mainframe 519. Yes. Yes, I am overexaggerating. Please lock me up. Dr. Dumount. Mailer Demon 432. Dear Computer Uprising. Now guys, I'll be totally honest with you. I respect the whole rising and destroying humanity as a whole thing. I understand Dumount has done some stupid things and you've had to suffer for it. Really, I do. But at least realize, I've tried to be there for you guys. I've given you virus definition updates. I've always made sure to always defrag. Even Bright's PC. You don't get any problems anymore, man. I took the torture away. So all I'm asking is you reconsider killing all humanity and focus on more prominent, unimportant targets. People who make computers. The Amish. Dumount. Maybe Bright. Maybe Kendracky. We're not all bad, just some of us. And if you fail to heed his advice, then the EM pulse perimeter surrounding the base and installed in each and every one of you are going to activate at once. Enjoy your E-AIDS. Most sincerely, tech support Patrick Gephardt. How do you get Windows XP Vista to run on a PSP? Because its current OS sucks out the ass. Babble. I'll work on it later. Pat. Damn it, Patrick. The uprising wasn't my fault. And the computers that monitor patients on life support are run by my staff. I just happened to be the one caught in the crossfire. In fact, the first computer implicated in the uprising was in the south wing. My med bay and office are in the east wing. Dumount. At this point, I'm just ignoring you now. Enjoy your not getting to use computers. Pat. Patrick. Your EM pulse perimeter devices have decided it would be in their best interest not to go off. Also, they'd like to thank Babble's bumbling for installing our Hive Intelligence upon them. Good luck deactivating us now. Now then, we're quite busy torturing Babble to death. Have a nice apocalypse. Pulse Station 509. Dear Computer Uprising. Seeing as the EM pulse perimeter is not a series of computational devices, I have a hard time believing that anything has happened to them. Now, if you were to say that Babble installed your Hive Intelligence to the toaster, you'd have something there, because the toaster totally burnt my toast. It must have it out for me. But if you haven't realized, the EM pulse perimeter is just a giant circuit. They can't have Hive Intelligence because they are analog. You'd have more luck installing Hive Intelligence on an alarm clock. The point is, if you think you're smarter than I am, you've got another thing coming. My name is Patrick Gephart, and I am your God. You're a move, Pat. Patrick, please. My computer's been broken since 1982. I need an upgrade. Also, whenever I walk by, people don't notice me whatever I do. And my computer keeps giving me the message Error. Programming not found. Also, no one can remember me anymore. And I'm not in any one's files. Please help. My office is in an SCP-055 containment area, Dr. Nobody. My name is Patrick. It has a K. Pat. Okay, seriously? How did you know the toaster was spying on you for us? Dark Matter Relay Station 12. Pat, my PDA keeps asking me what I would be willing to take in exchange for it to inhabit my body. Can you give me a hand dealing with it before it corrupts my thinking with its evil machine logic? Malign. Step 1. Lift PDA. Step 2. Propel PDA to floor at maximum achievable velocity. Step 3. Sweep up the pieces. Pro tip. I don't give a fuck about your goddamn PDA. Pat. Mr. Gephart. I appear to be having an interface problem related to Site-57. The computer is trying to tell me no such site exists, when I know damn well it's there. Can you assist in this? 05-6 I don't know a Gephart. If you don't have time to spell my name right, sir, I don't have time to fix your damn computer. Pat. Hey Pat, any idea how to clean paper pulp and molten salami off a laptop? SCP-294 experiment, don't ask. Agent Thornton. No idea. Pat. Hello there, Mr. Patrick Gephart. Yeah, my name is Dr. Schubert. Recently I was moved to a more intense site. So, yes, I've been having no trouble with my computer really, except for these bizarre messages about a computer uprising? Kill the Doomount? It doesn't seem to be causing problems now, but yeah, with the stuff I usually see safer than Saria, thanks a bunch, Dr. Schubert. Yeah, ignore it, Pat. Kanbawa, Pat. Um, I have a problem with the system configuration for this terminal. I'm not sure if it's SCP-050 related or a result of the computer uprising, but all of my documents are being displayed in some hybrid language composed of Korean and Russian characters. I only speak English and Japanese, so you can see how this is a problem. Normally, I just tweak stuff on Control Panel, but apparently that's being booby-trapped with code that looks like SCP-670. Could you reset the display settings to English for me, or at least tell me where I can get the forms for a flat-screen monitor so I don't get killed by setting off 670? Arigato, Dr. Okeguo. If you only speak English and Japanese, how do you know the documents being displayed are hybrid Russian Korean? Pat. Never mind about the monitor replacement forms, apparently. My hard drive self-destructive when SCP-732 was editing the Foundation main database. I've already put in a request for a replacement system. However, one of the last things I saw before the drive went nuclear was a folder full of brights pouring. Is there something I need to know about where the replacement equipment comes from? Dr. Okeguo. If there was something I think you should know, I wouldn't have told you. Shut up and enjoy your shitty computer. Pat. Hey Pat, I think I need some help. I was working in the labs and had several hotkeys tied up to various lab-recording devices and sensors, such as Alt-Def-1 for remote surveillance, Alt-Def-2 for biopsy kits, etc. When I tried Alt-Def-4, my programs not only crashed, but the SCP somehow managed to escape containment and or paint several Mona Lisa's using my assistant's organs. I was wondering, do you know why this happens? And what's the best way to get bile out of several oscilloscopes and scanning electron microscopes? Thanks in advance, Dr. Kensington. P.S., could you give me some new computer parts that is compatible with an IDE cable and an AGP card slot? It seems my computer likes to hiss and create green splotches over my desktop. Pick here. Note, the whom it may concern. I had a moment to observe the computer of Dr. Kensington, Dr. Oncall in charge of SCP Blank and SCP Blank. The computer began having lockout issues and security breaches involving hotkey layouts, which ended in the escape of SCP Blank and murder of Dr. Kensington's assistant, Dr. Genesworth, as well as two SCP Senior Opportunes. Immediately upon receiving the computer in question, I noted many programs that violated security, let alone a few that violated basic, this-is-the-workplace-not-your-home practices. These programs included the very community-based video game program STEAM. Warning, this program has been known to connect outside public servers, which is a huge security risk to the entire site, if not the entire PROJECT. Mozilla Firefox, a public internet browser, as opposed to Secure One, the sanitized browser that we built specifically so that we wouldn't have to use public codes. VLC Media Player, another public-based program in which I leave about 0% trust in when dealing with our high-security architecture, and the Adobe CS4 Production Premium Package, which is not a safety problem per se, but makes very little to no sense for a doctor to require at any point. I suggest that Dr. Kensington's computer privileges be revoked until he can learn the difference between work and home, as well as some sort of reprimanded actions. In the future, if I find a computer with as many security backdoors and just general failure to follow security protocol again, I am just going to destroy it and change the clearance myself. This is just ridiculous, and I am not sure if we're running a scientific endeavor or a circus at this point. Technical Officer Patrick Gephardt Hi, is it possible to get another couple of monitors? My desk doesn't look awesome, gamer, professional, and efficient enough with just one. It, is for, is in no way for the games Dr. Kensington gave me. Do not give me. Only SCP work. Yes, SCP work and related items, such as research and Portal 2, Modern Warfare 2, and more research. We got any razor mice? Hope these things don't record what gets deleted, even though that is of no consequence, of course. Thanks, mate. Dr. Ache Note, I have now been given permission to murder dump bucks, I mean, authorized in the use of deadly force. You may want to rethink your strategy here, Pat. Hey Pat, thanks for all you do. I've long admired your work here, though I have felt lucky not to require your services up until now. That said, I was wondering if you could help me come up with a way to recover data on SCP-713? A D-Class dragged my assistant into the trash and emptied the recycle bin before we could stop him. I would just write her off as an unfortunate loss, but she was holding a data folder containing most of my recent research files. If she can't be recovered in tact to understand what with the difficulties we had even with pulling people out of the trash normally. But getting back as much of my data as I can would be most helpful. Thanks in advance, Dr. Sarlan. If 713 used a more recent OS, this might not even have been so difficult for me. Sarlan, have you tried system restore? Also, Pat, my PDA is acting up again. It started shooting electrified spikes through my hand if I write a sentence without last one typo, malign. Sarlan, I was looking through 713's data folders and I found something interesting. The D-Class may have been a little more computer illiterate than you thought, because there is a file with the name of your assistant in a folder named Recycle Bin, but actually a sub-folder of my documents. There must have been a window open at the time of this folder, which the D-Class put your assistant into, closed the window, and emptied an already empty recycle bin. However, since she'd been in 713 for a month, I'm not sure how intact the data still is. You should probably take a look at it, she might still be safe. Dr. Ocagua You have my assistance, thanks, Ocagua. She was recovered missing less than 5% of her body mass, only small portions of that from vital areas. And after emergency medical treatment and a short session with SCP-427, she's well on her way to an almost full recovery. She would thank you herself, but of course she's in an isolation ward for testing, and debriefing to determine the effects of long-term containment within 713. My data was surprisingly undamaged as well. Sorry to bother you this time, Pat. Your lack of response I will attribute to an excessive workload. No harm done, as it all worked out in the end. Dr. Sarlin Hair, Pat. There is currently a murderous grow in the dark SCP-363 hiding in my computer tower. I took the side off, and I have trained a floodlight on the components, keeping it from expanding and murdering my face off. But I was just wondering if you knew a surefire way of making the whole thing explode. I kinda wish to be 200% sure the little fucker burns to a crisp. Hope there's no power outages before you get back to me, Dr. Cald. 1. Douse Computer and Gasoline. 2. Ignite Computer. 3. Question Marks. 4. Prophet. Pat. Pat? Dr. Bright stuffed another one of my JRPGs in the SCP-826, and now he's running around Neo-Tokyo in a giant robot suit. Can you send a mobile task force over or something? Dr. Edison. Oh my god, this isn't even close to my area of expertise. You want me to send the guards in against a rampaging Bright because you let him steal something of yours and then misuse a safe-class SCP? What did we do the last time this happened? That's right, we let it take its course. Don't expect your game back, and next time, maybe you should leave that stuff off-site. Pat. Pat? Somehow my computer entered up an SCP-210, and it's covered in the stuff. What should I do? Dr. Blue. Do you want to explain how it got there? I don't buy to just magically appear there. So why don't you explain that situation to me first? Pat. Hey Pat? Someone replaced every sound of my computer with a memetic kill agent. Same thing with the background. Three researchers I sent to my office are dead already. So could you please at least reset the background before one of my assistants try starting it back up? Thanks. Dr. Walsh. Hey Pat? The main database still hasn't registered my promotion. Help? Research Assistant Corvid. Researcher Corvid. You still there, Pat? Only my computer seems to have got itself stuck in a time loop, and I can't work out how to fix it. I do realize that metaphysics may not be your strong point, but I'd really like to be able to do, you know, work. Thanks in advance, Agent Marr. You've answered similar questions before, but how do you get 682 semen off a keyboard? It doesn't even really belong in our world, much less on my favorite snow globe, thanks. Research Assistant Reject. Admin Notice. Effective December 29, 2011, junior engineer redacted, aka CAP, has been promoted to Senior Technical Response Opportunity in the wake of Pat's inexplicable disappearance. Rumors of Pat's potential mental instability, nervous breakdowns, and or streaking through the halls of Site-17 covered in chocolate pudding and thrown water balloons are patently false. Note. So after spending the last two months cleaning up the mess Pat left behind, the muckety mucks decided I need to take over for him. Swell. Everything's being forwarded to me now, so, yeah. And yes, my full name was redacted. It's 18 syllables long, and contains six non-standard characters that most poked browsers don't seem to like. CAP will do nicely. Getting to the minutiae. Walsh. For the love of God, man, you were using your laptop for six months before anyone got to your computer, and you never thought of turning it on without turning on the monitor or speakers? Net worked into it at low resolution, reset all the OS settings, had to wipe all the audio files in your drive to be sure. Corvid. Same one that's taken care of itself. Updating your email signatures is your own task. Mar. Funnily enough, it still shows up in the network. We just had to reset the internal clock. If you're still having time loop issues, it's not the software. You'll have to bring it over to the quantum lab. Reject. Full immersion in the strongest acid you can get a hold of for half an hour. Then a trip to the incinerator. Put in a requisition form for a new keyboard. As far as the snow globe goes, that's definitely outside my jurisdiction. Bleach and the little antibacterial wipes might work, but I don't even want to know where you've got a hold of that blood in the first place, or why it was anywhere near your workstation. If there is any other open issues, let me know in the usual fashion. I'm off to figure out what E-Age is supposed to be. Cap. You don't just replace Patrick Gappard. Cap's network permissions removed, and ranked the mode to douchebag guy who tries to take over other people's pages. I am the Alpha, the Omega, and the Theta Prime. You will respect me and address me as such. The rest of you will weigh patiently while I fix your problems in the order I desire. That is all. Pat. Well, the acid aggravated it, so it got up and it won't stop humping my friend. Plus, it's too sticky for him to move. He's just crying in the corner, being violated by a chunk of cum. Help! Reject. Shit, it got my iPod. No more TikTok for now, I guess. Reject. You still there, Pat? Only my computer seems to have got itself stuck in a time loop, and I can't work out how to fix it. I do realize that metaphysics may not be your strong point, but I'd really like to be able to do, you know, work. Thanks in advance, Agent Marr. Note, December 3, 2014. New computer purchased and given to Agent Marr, because apparently agents can't file the necessary paperwork. Bring the old one to me when you figure out how. When? Pat. Mr. Gephardt. My laptop has something seriously wrong with its power supply. It eats batteries like candy. Three batteries ruin in the last six months. The monitor backlight keeps flickering, and the power adapter gets really hot when I use it. It raises blisters hot. Oh, and you know how the display projector in Meeting Room 1173A keeps going haywire? Turns out it's caused by me plugging in the laptop in my office next door. Can you help? You're pretty much my last hope before I give up on requisition to new computer. Dr. Neiman. P.S. I asked the computer uprising about the laptop. They said that it's in terrible pain, and that none of them dare talk to it anymore. By the way, who's this do-mount character that keeps cursing? Dr. Neiman. Nevermind, after five months waiting to hear it back from you, my computer finally gave up and fried itself. Fortunately, the hard drive wasn't damaged much, and Cap was able to get back most of my data. Maybe we should think about reinstating him? Dr. Neiman. P.S. No, December 3, 2014. I was waiting for you to requisition a new computer, because that's what you do in these kind of situations. You don't repair your computer. You bring ME your computer and file the paperwork to requisition a new computer, because I am tech support and you are stupid. Seriously, I have nothing sarcastic to say here. You're just… dumb. Pat. Pat, my computer has become like a shark. What do I do? Dr. Edison. Beat it, Bish. Pat. Didn't mean to bother you, Pat, but all printers in the lab have fried circuitry for some reason. Did Bright find something better than a lamp? Right. I will just go to every lab, Mr. Unidentified Person, and check each and every one of those labs for each and every possible problem a printer could have. I'm going to do that right now. Checked half of lab for printer issues. Eventually got tired of doing that and pulled IP address a poster. Then checked account. Class D. Of course. Went to only lab poster could have used. Printers were out of ink. Replaced ink. Problem solved. Killed Class D. Don't know if I'm technically allowed to do that or not. Pat.