 Hey Abbott what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show It's the Abbott and Costello show Produced and transcribed in Hollywood be listening in laughing pleasure with chuckles with the carload and music by Maddie Mousing So hold on to your chairs folks for here they are but Abbott and Lou Costello Hey, Matushla, Glockamore and the house of Murphy to you Wait a minute, what is all this? You know, this is St. Patrick's Day and I'm celebrating. Well, wait a minute. What are you wearing with his green? Well, that's the old salad gold watch he gave me for Christmas. Now that you mention that watch Costello, I bought that in Ireland. I know it. Abbott, listen to the watch. What do you know? It has passed very fast to you. That is not Costello. Where have you been all afternoon? Well, Abbott, see, I went to a picture show over in Hollywood Boulevard. I saw a wonderful picture called when the howling coyotes meet the riders at a purple stage in a lone prairie under a Texas moon. What's the picture about? Two jackets and tenon ears. I met a beautiful blonde in the theater and I said to her, Miss, you are the epitome of womanhood and the graceful flowing lines of your gorgeous figure are the flawless perfection of femininity. I heard it, I heard it. I like the word. All right, all right. What did you learn so much about women? I read that small print on a court today. I think you take this girl home? Yes, when I was kissing her in the hall, I accidentally struck my thumb in an electric light stuck in the wall. Then what happened? That girl just now was stoplight on a corner of something in LeBron. Power girl, could I ever go out with you? With you, I'm stupid, illiterate, clumsy. Just a minute Abbott, I'm not stupid. You're not stupid. Oh no, you can't even recite the alphabet. Yeah, well listen to this, A-B-C-1-D-E-F-2-D-H-I-3-J-K-L-4. Wait a minute, wait a minute, why are you saying the alphabet that way? Of course, I learned it off a telephone dial. That fellow, were you born in the Missville? No. What I am today, I owe to my mother. Get them out of here! If you're any further involved in London, here's a thought that makes good sense. This is your curtain call for Theatre USA, the star-studded entertainment produced for your enjoyment by the American National Theatre and Academy, here on most A-B-C stations tonight. Theatre USA is exactly that. All the glamour and all the stars that frighten the American theatre. All the nostalgia, all the excitement that our little old thought was. True, you don't see the lights that flicker from the time-selding to 53rd Street in the heart of Manhattan, but everything else is there, the great stars, the wonderful laughter, the thrilling music. You'll hear them all from week to week on Theatre USA. For example, tonight the lineup of stars will include Albert Spaulding, celebrated concert violinist, and Raymond Massey and Diana Barrymore. Don't miss Theatre USA with Diana Barrymore, Raymond Massey, and Albert Spaulding tonight on most of these same A-B-C stations. Now back to A-B-C's Aberdeen Costello show. What's on your mind? What's on my mind? Yes. My mother wants to thank you for that St. Patrick State Prisoner Center. She says it's like two of those little washing machines you ever had. Washing machines? Yeah, dummy, that's a mixed master. You know, I thought it was funny. The first time she put in a tablecloth, she got back 12 napkins. What did you give your mother, the St. Patrick State Prisoner Center? Well, I gave her that garbage disposal, and I won on Stop the Music. You want a garbage disposal on Stop the Music? Yeah, they're wonderful people on our show, Albert. They don't only gave me the garbage disposal, they also gave me a five-year supply of garbage. You gotta stop hanging around in these quiz shows. You're just wasting your time. No, I am not. I was on a new quiz show last week, and it's a California Frost Warning show. The Frost Warning show has a quiz show? What's the name of it? Stop the weather. You should have seen the price they had. Fifty tons of starked histunia. A smudge pop for every female member of your family. A thousand sets of general squeegee tires. A pool table for every room in your house. A carload of strong hot dog food. A package of life staples. All the iodine your family can drink for one year. Your entire house is decorated with striping. Five hundred pounds of coffees from Brazil, and a beautiful singing wreath that they have breakfast with you for the rest of your life, and serving the Brazilian coffees. Who won all this? I did, but I had to turn it down. Why? You know I don't drink coffee. Why, does coffee keep you awake, Lou? No, but it helps. Why is he around talking like an idiot? Because idiots go around talking like me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Remember, I'm working with you. You want these people to go out of here thinking that I'm a jerk? Why not? That's the way they came in. That's a fine way to talk to me. That's gratitude. That's all the things I did for you. What thing? Remember the time you got locked in the cellar and couldn't get out? Yes. Who fed and took care of your dog for three weeks? You did. Who pushed food through a little window the all the time you were locked in there? You did. And last March, when he disappeared, nobody heard from you. Nobody knew where you were, and nobody had the slightest idea where the location is. Who finally found you? The man from the income tax. I don't blame him for looking for you. I hope you're sending your tax return this year. I certainly did have it. Every American could send his income tax to Washington. They should do that. It's the patriotic thing to do. I'm glad to hear you say that. And besides, they watch you too close. I hope you fill out your estimated returns next year. What's that? Well, that's the part of the income tax blank where it says estimated income for 1949. They want you to guess how much you're going to make next year. Oh, sure, I sold that out and I sent it in, but I didn't sign my name to it. Well, you did if you didn't sign it. How will they know who it's from? Have it. If they want me to guess how much I'm going to make next year, then let them guess who sent it in. And if they don't stop raising the income taxes, it's going to break up the whole country. What do you mean? Well, at the last session of Congress, they took a vote. And I'm proud to say that California was voted the state most likely to succeed CC. Oh, forget about the income tax. You know, today is St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day was caused by income tax. What do you mean? Everyone pays an income tax on a 15 a month, don't they? Right. Then two days later, on the 17th of March, people march and praise all over the country. Well, what are people marching on St. Patrick's Day got to do with the income tax? Don't you get it? They have to march. They ain't got enough money left. All right. Hey, Uncle Louie. Hey, Uncle Louie. It's sad, but it's enough, you folks. Sincerely, it is. Why are you so excited about Norman? Well, I just rushed over here, Uncle Louie, to tell you, that they finally caught those two guys. What two guys? The two guys who voted to raise President Truman's salary. I've got a set of facts for that. There's a smart kid, Abbott. He learned to skate before he could walk. Oh, that's silly. How could Norman learn to skate before he could walk? He had to. When he was born, he was so old that his folks kept him locked in the icebox. You know what I'm gonna have to say about Norman? Remember, he's a pretty tough kid. And he comes from a tough neighborhood. Abbott, the neighborhood I come from in Paterson, New Jersey, was so tough, that when I was going to school, if we saw a kid on my block with teeth, we were sure of one thing. What was that? He was either a stranger in the neighborhood, or he was wearing an upper and lower plate. You aren't so tough, Castella. Why, for two cents, I'd punch you in the nose. You're the most honest man I know. Well, thank you, Castella. Makes my blood boil here, people talk that way about you. I'll find anybody to even insinuate that you're dishonest. Gosh, Lou, I'm sorry I punched you in the nose. You're a real pal. Let's have a drink on our French pencil. Okay. Well, what would you have? I'll buy an opening of that bottle of champagne at the store of my brother. Castella, I haven't got the champagne. Oh, drank it all up, eh? I didn't take the champagne. All your brother Pat has got the circumstantial evidence, Lou. No use, Abbot, it's written all over your face. What's written all over my face? I don't know, I can't read. I'm discussing with you. I'm going to leave you and I'll leave California. I can't stand this weather, anyway. Well, Abbot, there's nothing wrong with the weather in California. The California weather is very healthy. It's the people that get sick. Mr. Castello, Mr. Castello, I have a message here for you from your Aunt May. What is it, my good man? Your Aunt May said to tell you that your uncle Mike swallowed a half dollar and it stuck in his throat and he's token of death. And she wants you to come over Sunday and help get it out. Well, if he's token of death, Anna, why is she going to wait until Sunday to take it out? Well, she's thinking she won't need the money till then. If Gabriel Heeter is listening in, there's all jokes tonight. That was another one I have to tell those folks. Hey, Abbot, why don't you go right through with the deal and get your wife on the show? You mean you'd like to have my wife on the show? I'd welcome her with relish. Why with relish? Of course, she's got a shape like a hug, though. He has not. My wife has a gorgeous figure. Not another one like it. When they made her, they threw them all the way. Yes. Some guy found it and he's been making ash cans ever since. Castello, I'll have you know that my wife has been offered a job at Earl Carroll. What's the matter with the scrub woman they got now? Scrub woman. They want her to appear in the finale of the show wearing a bathing suit. And when my wife wears a bathing suit, she attracts plenty of attention. I'll say she does. She was floating on her back in the water at Santa Monica last Sunday, a street Catalina flying boats landing on her chest. Hello, boys. Well, hello. Are you all right? You're all right, Lou. She's all right. I'm glad you came over tonight. How's it about you and I stepping out after the show? You can come with me to the dog show. You're going to the dog show? Yes, and I expect you'll win a blue ribbon with my setter. Castello, from where I'm standing, you can't miss. Did it again? All right. Castello, calm down. She's only fooling. Oh, Lou, don't be so touchy. Come on, you know I'm really crazy about you. Yes, I am. And to prove it, I'm going to take you to the opera next week. Now, Monday night, they're playing Hansel and Greville. Tuesday night, they're having Samson and Delilah. Wednesday night, they're having Tristan and Esolder. What night would you like to go? Tonight, they're having spaghetti and meatballs. They're getting meatballs. They're getting meatballs. That's the trouble with you. You know nothing about opera, nothing about culture. Mr. Abbott is right. You need more culture. You should become literate. For Teal. I was fine. Look, read good books. Books are your best friend. Don't lose your pleasure. Whenever you're lonely, pick up a book. When you feel like stepping out at night, don't do it. Pick up a book. Pick up a book. When do you feel like going out with a girl? Pick up a book. Well, so long. I've got to go now. I've got a date with Gregory, too. You'll have fun. After all those things you've got to tell me about how wonderful books are, you're going out with a man? Sure, I'm lucky. I never learned to read. That's only half the fun, folks. Just as many laughs yet to come. But first, listen to this. No one now listening, I'm sure, would ever consciously take part in the most contemptible crime, kidnapping. And yet, as was forcibly demonstrated on ABC's This Is Your FBI, failure of an individual to report the spacious actions to the police can aid criminals. This warning, a useful protection ant, was offered on one of the broadcasts of This Is Your FBI. And then, to illustrate vividly the need for alertness in reporting the spacious actions, the program dramatized the authentic story of a kidnapper who decided to abduct the daughter of a bookmaker. He figured a man in an illegal profession would be reluctant in seeking the aid of police. Because of the negligence of a girl who caught a glimpse of the kidnappers, the work of FBI agents was greatly hampered. The drama then revealed how the authorities finally succeeded in tapping the criminals. For an exciting and educational 30 minutes, don't miss This Is Your FBI, heard over most ABC stations tomorrow night. And now back to ABC's Aberdeen Costello's show. And now the spotlight turns to how winter's our singing star. Here he is with Maddie Malick in his orchestra. Now Clancy was a peaceful man, if you know what I mean. The cop picked up the pieces after Clancy left the scene. He never looked for trouble. That's a fact you can assume. But nevertheless, when trouble were pressed, Clancy lowered the boom. Oh, the Clancy! Oh, the Clancy! Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, Larry was a fighting man. They all knew he was tough. He strutted round the neighborhood or shooting off his golf. He picked a fight with Clancy then and there he sealed his doom. Before you could shout, Clancy, look out! Clancy lowered the boom. Oh, the Clancy! Oh, the Clancy! Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Bruni walked into the bar and ordered up around. He left his drink to telephone and Clancy's make it down. Mulroody said, Who drunk me drink? I lay him in his doom. Before you could pat the top of your hat, Clancy lowered the boom. Oh, the Clancy! Oh, the Clancy! Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. A hula hand delivered ice to Mrs. Clancy's flat. He'd always linger for a while to talk of this and that. One day he kissed her just as Clancy walked into the room. Before you could say the time of the day, Clancy lowered the boom. Oh, the Clancy! Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Clancy lowered the boom. How was your nice voice that kid? I know all about it. He's gone, please. I know it. Thank you, look, just left the building out. All right, that's it. Come on out of the club. Who are you talking to on the phone? My uncle Mike. Boy, he ain't trouble. I have made just room out of the house. He's done a terrible thing. What do you do? Well, you know the two towers first, yes. Well, he used third. Right. Castel, I'm ashamed of you. How can you come out here in front of intelligent people and make such a statement? You want everybody to think you're a man? Well, if I didn't, I wouldn't have a tattoo on my arm, would I? Well, never mind that. Our secretary, Viola Vaughn, has been complaining about you, too. Well, I don't leave it at that. Viola and I are good neighbors. It is right next door to me and we're very friendly. Castel, Viola would make a nice wife for you. Well, folks are very rich and you should do all you can to win her. Not me. Her family's too snooty. Yesterday, her mother was driving along in 1949 Hudson. And? 1949 Hudson. Well, I just last week, she bought a 1948 Hudson. I know, but she had to get rid of it. Yes, trades were pulled. Anyway, I don't need to marry no rich girl. I'm making plenty of money in my detective business. Hello. What does it say in the shovel detective mystery about this? Well, it's a very intriguing case, but I call it the case of the cannibal who cooked a long-haired musician or it was his first square meal. Well, it sounds terrible, but let's do it. Yes, I'm Sam Cheville. Sam Cheville, private detective. You need help tonight. I just left the locker room at the gym at the Y-A-M-T-A. I'm walking to my little office. I think I'm being followed. I hear footsteps behind me. I click on my face. Whoever is following me has clicked on his face. I decide to garden to the alley. I sinister look a man ducked in the alley with me. I decide to run. Stop, Sam Cheville, stop. Listen to you. What's the idea of following me? Who's following you? When you left the locker room, you brought my suspenders to the back of your pants. Anything is liable to happen to you in this business. I arrive at my office. The floor is all covered with fallen leaves. There are twigs all over the floor. This is my branch office. I remember when I started this business in 1928. I didn't have a penny to my name. My clothes were shabby. My shoes were full of holes. That was in 1928. Then a horrible thing happened. In 1929, the Depression hit me, and I lost everything. I pick up the phone. Times like this that I wish my father would turn it over to the homicide squad was here. There's a real cop. When he goes after a crook, he leaves no stone in turn. I don't want anybody to turn over every stone in Los Angeles. Abbot is quite a solstice. Every time he opens his mouth, he puts his foot in it. One day while he was... Are you taking a bath? And if somebody else starts to walk you... Abbot sat right down and wrote a big song hit. You've all heard it. All I want for Christmas is my two front toes. Lieutenant Abbot is used to getting hit on the head. He's got it on his head. He's got it on his head that he has his moments there with him. Tider. Tider. Don't ever let anyone come between us. A shadow couldn't get through. Hello, Sam. It's my father, Lieutenant Abbot. Sam, you look mighty tired. Oh, gee. Come in. I've got a bag for you, sir. Oh, don't bother me. You need to have all this shit in the morning. Okay, chump. Look at my head on my shoulder. Guys, I haven't been feeling so good. I've got... Now go close and kiss me. I'd love to kiss you, honey, but, gee, just when I get said something happens, I have to un-puck her. Well, I'm ready now. Come on. I've been looking for you. Where were you all day? It's a bridal pack. Come here. Oh, it's you. You hid a better class. Package wasn't for you. You were there on a case I presumed. Yes, the real clever crook. Get the bags. We're checking out here. Now, calm down. You're just upset because it's your wedding day. Place your cord here and I'll turn on the radio. People putting in an out. What? Get that, Sam. You're in plenty of stuff. No. Put it in. I'm sending a scene gun Magoon to prison and his mom. He just, uh, he is sworn to get her. There's a sound. The most recent gunman on the record. Lieutenant, you say that Dorothy was sworn to get me? Yes. Well, I can do it for you. She can have me. There you are. Don't move, coppers. These guns are loaded. Man, it's her. It's Dorothy. Lieutenant Abbott, I'm gonna kill you. Please don't kill me, Dorothy. I'm too young to die. I beg you. I beg of you. You're on bonded knees. Not bonded knees. You're wrong. That's bended knees. He's right. With all the stuff he does, his knees are bonded. Please, Dorothy, don't shoot me. Please. Please. Lieutenant Abbott, I'm ashamed of you. Roveling on your knees like a sniveling coward. Be like me. I'll tell her a thing or... Sam, shovel, I'm gonna kill you too. Boom! Now, what were you gonna say? Abbott, you're taking up the whole floor. Move over. Give me more room to kneel down. Dorothy, please, Dorothy. We'll do anything to make a man. Anything you say. Yes, Dorothy. You shouldn't be mad at me. I think you're beautiful. Come on. Let's you and me kiss and make up. What do you mean kiss and make up? We're just men. Well, let's kiss and make up for all the time we lost. Well, I don't know. My boss and machine gun were goons in prison. Now, I'm kinda lonesome. Viola, why not let Sam show you up? He's quite a lover you know. How good would you say you are, Sam? You know, in my mob, we raise the guys according to the number of girls that are crazy about him. If a guy's got six girls crazy about him, he's called a cannon. Five girls, he's a shotgun. Two girls, he's a revolver. Well, Sam, how do you stack up? Take hands with a water pistol. Sam, you're cute. Maybe you could be the guy to take Magoon's place. I'm gonna give you a chance. Come here. What are you gonna do? I'm gonna kiss you a couple of times. How's that? That's what I call a high-dramatic kiss. A high-dramatic kiss? Yes, he went from first to second without shipping. Sam, I think you're better. Huh? I think you're better, Sam. Play up to her and she may not kill us. I'll see if I can make you forget Magoon. Will you spell our lines? Sam, I'll accept your proposition. If you can give me a kiss that'll make me forget Magoon, I won't shoot you. And you won't shoot me either? It's a deal. Sam, I'm... That's me. Excuse me. Sorry. Sam, I'm depending on you for everything you've got into this kiss. It means our lives. Don't worry, Lieutenant. They don't call me love lips, Sam, for nothing. Come here, Dorothy. Well, Dorothy, what do you think? Ladies and gentlemen... Wait a minute, just a minute. Two shots, please. He ain't just gonna kill me off alone. He goes with me. Now, Viola. It's that kiss. Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to hear a detective show next week, tune into the Fat Man, Hillary Queen, or this is your FBI. Oh, you get out of here, will you? Now that Costello had their final fling, we bring you one more thought on this subject. The saying goes that most fat men are good natured. There are people, though, who say they have to be because they can't fight and they can't walk. But Brad Bunyan is one fat man who's done a lot of running, more than his share of fighting. He's the private detective on The Fat Man, heard Friday night over most ABC stations. When master detective writer Dashiell Hammett conceived the character of Brad Bunyan, he saw in his mind by a tough criminologist who tipped the scales at 241 pounds. Who appeared slothful, but could move at a speed almost equaling his lightning thinking. Fast numbers of listeners make The Fat Man program a Friday night listening habit. So, for exciting entertainment, join The Million hearing Dashiell Hammett's Fat Man when it's on the air tomorrow night over most of these ABC stations. And I'll back for a final word from ABC's Aberdeen Costello Show. Well, Costello, that was quite an interesting case you did tonight. Do you like to tell the folks what your same shovel case was for next week is about? You really got you, didn't you? Do you like to tell the folks what your same shovel case for next week is about? Yes, I would. That's right. Folks, next week I will do a murder story. I call it the case of the young bride who set fire to her 60-year-old husband's beard, or there's no fuel like an old fuel. That's it, folks, and I write this working on it now. Our writing staff is headed by Eddie Foreman with Paul Conlon, that's Costello, Martin Ragley, and Len Stern. I sound men, I don't know. Our producer is Charles Bender. Be sure to be with us next Thursday. Good night, folks. Good night to everybody in Paris. Good night! Live tonight, Thursday night at this time for another great episode of our fellow show, The Grand Dragon Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the Outstanding Entertainment, which follows throughout the evening on this ABC special.