 The Aberdeen Costello program of the music of Carl Hoffman in orchestra, our singing star Amy Arnell, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went caught putting a pick and shovel in his Uncle Artie 7's pocket because he heard him say he had to tear up the street, kindly said, what in heaven's name do you mean by coming in here dressed in pajamas? My sister's getting married tonight, and I'm going to be the best man, and she told me to wear these things. You tell me, she told you to wear evening clothes. Well, I would wear pajamas in the evening. Oh. Well, never mind that. Where did your sister meet this man she's going to marry? Oh, he's a fireman. He proposed to her while he was carrying a lot of a burning building. No. It was romantic. What's the big deal? She was with her head hanging over his shoulder, and he was singing Smoked Itch in Your Life. Oh. Well, he's a pretty fortunate man to get your sister for a wife. I don't think so. She's been married once before. You know, I'd hate to be a second husband. Well, what's wrong with being a second husband? I'm my wife's fifth husband. You know, husband, you're a habit. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You don't even know what a husband is. A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after a nerve has been killed. What is the wife? She hadn't married her. Well, you talk sense, Castella. What are you, what are you just going to wear at the wedding tonight? Oh, Abby, she's got a beautiful torso. A torso? Every bride has to have a torso. No, no, no. I think you mean she has that torso. No, he's going to be there. Who won't be there? Robinson's torso. Right on. Well, look, Castella, I guess this is his first wedding. When she came into the church, did you notice her trains? What trains? She drove up in a second-hand limit. No, no, no. I'm talking about her dress. Didn't you see that long white piece of goods hanging from her dress? Oh, yes. Well, I saw that. Oh, that was her train. Oh, I'd skip over that and sort it off. You tore off her train? Yeah. How did the bride look without her train? Oh, she looked like a late friend with a loose caboose. Never mind that, Castella. What kind of a fellow is this man your sister's married? I don't like him. You don't? There's something wrong with him, Abby. What do you mean? He likes to hear the water bubbling in the bathtub. Well, the water, if he does like to hear the water bubbling in the bathtub. Sad that doesn't bother you. It's my head he holds under the water. Well, how do you know he's been to animals? Last night when he slept with me, he chased all my pigs out of bed. Oh, he's probably not as bad as you try to make out. He chased all my pigs out of bed. You said that once. You said that once. All right. Well, let's try it again. Well, all right. You can try it once more and see how it goes. Hope doesn't stop. All right. All right. Never mind that. What is this man's name? It's Isley Rappaport. Isley Rappaport. Where is that big, fresh squabble brother-in-law? That's me, Abby. Yeah? That's him now. Here he comes. Here he comes. My brother-in-law. My future brother-in-law. Look, Castello. Here's a pair of striping pants that I'm going to wear to the wedding tonight. They're four inches too long. I want you to take them to the tailor shop and have them short. And have them back here at six o'clock. Do you hear? Yes, sir. And if those pants aren't back at six, Fatso, I'll knock that spunkin' head of yours so far down inside your ribs you look like you're peeking out from behind a Venetian's line. That's the guy my sister's gonna marry. Why do women go for- You'd better get that guy's pants short before he's short and due. Now take them over to my uncle Herman at the Hollywood Dry Cleaning Plant. Dry Cleaning Plant? Yes. What is your uncle Herman doing there? Well, this is Thursday. He's dying today. Oh, that terrible habit. That's sick. Oh, he isn't sick. He's dying. He's dying and he ain't sick? No, that's right. If he was sick, he couldn't die. Why not? Oh, it's against rules of the cleaning plant. You said I have laws? That's right. If a man is sick, they won't let him into the place to die. What do they do? Leave him on the alley? No, no, no, no. He can't die on the alley. If he wants to die, he has to go to the 7th floor. He's gonna die on the 7th floor? No, no, no. The place? No, no. Because his wife don't want him dying in the house. Why do you like that? He's gonna die in his own house. No, no, no, no. If there's any dying to be done around the house, his wife does it. Oh, it's right here. Oh, it's right here. Yeah, but what are you trying to do? Bunk off the whole family? I've got a good mind to bring poor Herman over to my house to die. Oh, no, he couldn't die at your house. That's because you have no died. Right? Yeah, yes, you're right. Died to die? Yes. Died to die to die to die to die. All right, never mind that. Died to die. Can you please stay attention? I'm trying, what I'm trying to tell you is that my Uncle Herman has to die so we can live. If he doesn't die, he can't eat. You mean he eats after he's died? Oh, please. Then he dies for a while and then he eats. Then he dies again and then he eats some more. Must be the food that's killing him. No, no, no. He probably had a fight with his facts base. No, no, no. A man has to eat. A man has to eat if he stands up all day dying, Louis. You mean he has to stand up to die? Well, actually, did you ever hear of anybody dying lying down? All the people I ever knew did. No, look, he can't lie down on the job. He's got to be true dying by six o'clock. If he dies after six, don't forget, if he dies after six, he gets time and a half. Oh, yes, yes, it's peace work. Oh, he dies after six. Look, look, it's a slow death. No, no, no. Look, when I say Uncle Harmon is dying, I don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies. I mean he's dying for a living and a person that dies for a living is a living even though he's dying. Oh, when you say Uncle Harmon is dying, you don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies. You mean he is dying for a living and a person that dies for a living is living although he's dying. Now, you've got it. Now, I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Doesn't he pack with my pants yet? No, he isn't. I imagine he had to wait. You know, Taylor's pretty busy now. You know that stupid Costello. He's probably standing at a street corner, winking at girls. Oh, Mr. Izzy Rappaport. Costello is not interested in girls and you know it. No. Then why does he call Greg Gartner on the phone every night and say Costello's back? Get rid of Gable. Now, but I've got 30 minutes to get dressed. If he doesn't get back here with those pants, I can't marry his sister. Send Costello up to my room as soon as he gets back. Costello's about time you got here. Rappaport has been down here yelling for his pants. You get him shortened like he said? No. The tailor's shop was closed when I got here at 6 o'clock. If you left me here at 3 o'clock, where have you been? Well, I was walking up to Hollywood Boulevard and there was a picture there. I just had a sheet. The wolf man's daughter, Mary Zombie, the son of Dracula at the foot of Frankenstein's grave. Well, that didn't take three hours. There was a double feature rabbit. The second picture was Lassie comes home. Just as I was going to leave, the terrific love scene started. How that blonde could neck and sit. Now, wait a minute. Now, there's no blonde and Lassie comes home. No, but there was one with me in the balcony. Look, Costello, what are you going to do? Will you listen to me please? What are you going to do? Rappaport said that if you didn't get the pants shortened, he'd call the wedding off. Yeah, but let's go across the hall and we'll see Mrs. Niles. Maybe she'll shorten them for me. All right. Hello, Miss Raddick. Oh, I see you boys are moving. You had your over stuff silk out in the hall. Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. Mrs. Niles, I had to come over to argue with you tonight. My sister is getting married in half an hour and I've got to have the cool chair shortened for her interest. You have a lot of nerve coming to me with your sewing. Who ever gave you the idea that I could use a needle and thread? Well, everybody says you're an old sewing soul. Mrs. Niles, can you please help Costello? I'm sorry, Mr. Abbott, but I'm going out. I'm going to the dog show and I expect that we're in a blue ribbon with my jacket. Now, what are you going to do, Costello? You still haven't got the pants shortened. Oh, you may have it. There's a little tailor shop right around the corner that stays open till quarter seven. Come on, you've only got one minute to make it. What's that? Hey, Abbott, everything in a script. Hey, look, I'll tell us Mellonhead. Mellonhead, I can't trust you now. I've got to get the tailor shop. I've got to get these pants shortened because my sister's getting married tonight to a fellow named Izzy Rappaport. Izzy Rappaport, huh? She's too good to marry a guy like my brother, Johnny. Oh, no. I'd like to see him married to your brother. It's the same thing. My brother has a wife and 16 kids, but you want him to throw his first wife out and marry your sister, huh? He shouldn't throw out his first wife. Well, they should all live together, huh? Go on, tell everybody, my brother's a bigamy. Your brother's not a bigamy. I suppose that Hawaiian girl he married the other day was his grandmother, huh? Look, your brother has two wives. Your brother has two wives. Go ahead, yell it out, so his third wife will hear you in Kentucky. Well, Mellonhead, your brother shouldn't be married to all those women. Marriage is a beautiful thing. It makes for supreme joy. Oh, my wife pulled out all my hair because she's happy, huh? Look, Mellonhead, if you don't like your wife, then why did you marry her? My wife happened to be my schoolteacher for seven years. Well, you didn't have to marry your schoolteacher. I suppose you know a better way to get out of the fourth grade. Mellonhead, why are you picking on your wife? I know your wife, but she's everything a good wife could be. Then why does she always go out without wearing her wedding ring? Oh, that's very bad. You should make your wife wear her wedding ring all the time. Oh, day and night, she should sit in the pawn shop, huh? You mean that you pawned your wife's wedding ring? I certainly couldn't get a nickel on her. You're going to let the club like that. Your wife has 14 carats pure gold. Then why does she turn green every spring? Look, a fellow man is pulling the shades down on the table. She'll be closed now. Oh, that's a good enough quote, Mellonhead. You're going to be good and mad now. You and me are going to fight this thing out. Okay, I'm ready to fight. You see this piece of chalk? Well? I'm going to draw a line right across the sidewalk. Go ahead and draw it. Now, okay, I'm going to draw a line across the sidewalk. Well, go ahead, so what? So what? I'm daring you to step across that line. You're daring me to step across that line? I say it! Speak out, step across the line there. I'm across the line. Come on! Now you're on my side. G.A. I love the morning glories growing and the breezes softly flowing in Atlanta. I love to wake up in the morning see the sun come up that's dawning in Atlanta. G.A. I love to walk among the flowers and taste the honey from the bees. I want a while. I want to see the ivy clinging. I want to hear the robin singing a little song. I want to attend the Sunday meeting. I want to hear that friendly greeting when I get home. I want to see the ivy clinging. I want to hear the robin singing a little song I adore. I want to attend the Sunday meeting. I want to hear that friendly greeting when I get home. Once more. How long to hold on? Constell, your sister's here. Uh-huh, Marie. Are you ready for the wedding? What wedding? Izzy refuses to go through with the wedding without his striped pant. He says he gave him to you to be shortened. Now where are they? Jesus. I didn't get him shortened. I went to a movie with a little blonde next door. Tessie Tinfoil. Tessie Tinfoil? Didn't Mama tell you to stay away from her? Oh, but she's such a nice girl. She works in a candy factory. She's a mechanic. A mechanic in a candy factory? Yeah, she tightens the nuts on peanut brittle. Right. Back off! Constell, stop this silliness, please. Yes, Louis. Do you realize that you're wrecking my marriage? I don't know why, Izzy gave you the pant in the first place. You never do anything right. You nearly ruined my first marriage. What did I do? I told you to stand outside the church door and to throw rice on us when we came out. You ruined our clothes. Ruin your clothes? Constell, what kind of rice did you throw? Fried rice? Would I cool you down? But Jesus, I've never seen Niagara Falls. Now, Constell, you've certainly messed things up again. I guess I'm just no good at it. I hope my scalp master don't hear about this. He'll take my scalp and away from me and then everybody will point their finger at me and they will laugh. Wait a minute. And they will be able to laugh so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Does the pin mean that much to you, Constello? Yes, sir. Oh, drop it. Constello, wait a minute. Here comes the actress, especially May Muccio. Oh, maybe she can shorten the pants for me. Yes. Miss Muccio, I'm in an awful fix. I had to get the groom's pants shortened for my sister's wedding and all the teleshops are closed. Could you shorten them for me? I'm sorry, Mr. Constello. I'm just leaving for Santa Monica. I've been invited to a... I'm going to a card party at the home of that famous author, Spencer Trossi. Spencer Trossi? Oh, Abbie, you know who Spencer Trossi is. He lives right next door at the Clarke Gouble. Ones of Jean Rumi. Jean Rumi? Yes. Don't you just adore a smithing game of Jean Rumi? My favorite game is stewed pookers. Boys, I hope you get the pants shortened. But I may say in Spanish, a half a maniano, Amiga. And a half a banana, some tomato puree. Please, do you realize that the wedding starts in 10 minutes and you haven't got those pants shopping yet? What am I going to do? Put mine, laddies. Oh, hey, it's our old friend, Scotty Brown. Laddies, I come over here to the wedding to offer my services. I'd like to drive the bride and groom to the railroad station. I go to all the weddings in town and I always drive the happy couple. Isn't that pretty expensive, Scotty? No, laddies. It's downhill to the railroad station. And I always get the old shoes that are tied to the back of the car. Look, Scotty, please. Constello's in trouble. He was supposed to get a pair of pants shortened for the groom and he didn't do it. Scotty, do you think your wife could shorten the four inches for me? I'm sorry, laddie, but my wife is very busy today. She went out in the chicken coop and discovered that our setting hen was gone. Is she not looking for the hen? No, she has to stay home and sit on the yanks. Come on, laddies. Well, Constello, what are you going to do? Holy, jump up and sit down. It's my father. Just a minute, Louis. Don't try to hide under that table. Come here to me. Pap, you look mad. What's the matter? You know what's the matter. You've ruined your sister's wedding. The things that you couldn't do a little thing like getting a pair of pants shortened. How could you hurt us like this? After all we've done for you. Boy, I can remember when you were going to kindergarten. I went to school with you every morning and came home with you every afternoon. You didn't even appreciate that. Well, all the other kids laugh at me. Why should they laugh at you? I thought it was funny me and my father was in the same grade. That's enough of this. Your sister's out in the kitchen crying her heart out. Izzy Rappaport refuses to come out of his room until he gets his striped pants. I hate to say this to my own son, but Louis Costello, get out of this house and don't ever darken my door again. Abbott, this is awful. Me and my own father breaking up. Now they won't have anybody to play jacks with. I'm sorry, Lou, but you brought it on yourself. Abbott, I'm going upstairs. I'm going to pack my things and get out of here. What about the pants, Costello? They're on the table. Goodbye, Abbott. Goodbye, Lou. Poor Costello. Come in. Hello, Mrs. Nile. I came over for the wedding, Mr. Abbott. I guess there isn't going to be any wedding, Mrs. Nile. Costello didn't get the pants shortened. His father just ordered them out of the house. I'm going up and help him pack. I'll see you later. Poor Costello being ordered out of the house on account of a tear of pants. He's a little stinker, but I should have shortened them when he asked me to. Hey, it isn't too late to do it right now. There's the pants lying there on the table. I'll just take them over to my apartment, cut off the four inches and bring them back. Oh, my, I feel so much better. Won't Costello be surprised when he finds out I shortened the pants. I'll just put them back on the table here. I feel like a good old scoundrel. Mr. Abbott, Mr. Costello. Hello, hello, Scotty. I haven't got time to talk to you. Costello's father just ordered them out of the house because he didn't get the pants shortened for the wedding. I've got to call a taxi. I'll see you later, Scotty. Costello being ordered out of the house. Hey, wait a minute. There's no reason why my wife couldn't shorten the pants while she's sitting on the eggs. I'll take them home now. Oh, this is the way. We shortened pants, she shortened pants. Well, there's the pants all shortened and everything. It didn't take the wife no time to fix them. And with the four inches that cut off each leg, we made a nice pair of drapes for the bathroom window. Well, I'll just drop them back here on the table. Hurry up. Upstairs there, Costello. Hurry up, the tax cab is waiting. I'll be back in a minute. Okay. Oh, gee, I can't let Costello go like this. Oh, why, we've always been together as long as I can remember. We even worked hard together as kids. I can remember on those cold winter nights, I'd hold the lantern and he'd chop the wood. The things that a pair of pants would come between us. Hey, wait a minute. I wonder if I'd bunch the things up if I try to shorten them myself. Hey, no. Here's a pair of scissors and some glue. I'll cut off four inches and glue the end up. There we are. All done. I'm ready to go. This is goodbye, old friend. Costello, I've got a surprise for you. You don't have to go. I shortened the pants for you. You shortened the pants, have it? A wedding. A double wedding? What do you mean? I didn't know you could sew. Well, Costello, where are my pants? In here, Mr. Rappacort. Okay, I'll go in this room and put them on. Hey, Abbott, I guess I won't have to leave home after all. How do I look in the pants? What's coming to the wedding, Napoleon? Napoleon? Napoleon, do I look like Napoleon? You're doing no short pants. You're showing your bony parts. I should go and light it up for you. Well, Costello, you were the most popular man at the wedding tonight. Yes, I really was Abbott. And all I can say is... Now, call me, Mr. Costello. Would you mind posing for a picture? I'm the photographer of the Hardware Journal. We'd like to have a picture on our front cover this month. Wait a minute. Why do you want my picture on a front cover of the Hardware Journal? We'd pick you of the none of the month. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody.