 Disclaimer, I had to make this video in a rush and the drawings are not going to be that good. They're mainly sketches So I'm sorry that I didn't learn anatomy in class. The point of this video is not about the drawings It's about what I have to say Hi, my name is Frederick if you're new here I'm currently a freshman at NYU and I'm studying integrated digital media Which is just a fancy phrase for graphic design. I realize I've never really shared my whole life on YouTube And that's understandable for a lot of people but those of you who follow me for years know I like to get personal I think it helps me connect with everyone because I'm not just an entertainer or a cute guy to watch Before YouTube I was your average human being who had an average day of playing video games Practicing piano and studying until 2 a.m. Now. I'm still that same person except with other things going on in my life And I want to share that with you because I want you to know how 2019 went for me as much as each and every one of Us wants to make the next year great or better than the last you can't control what life throws at you I know a lot of you are going through hard times, and I want you to know you're not alone I'm going through similar experiences. This video does get into sensitive topics and some of the images are pretty flashy So if you have epilepsy, just be warned. You don't have to watch it. You can just listen. Anyways, let's get started I just finished all of my college applications, and I was free from writing 10 more supplemental essays. YouTube was going great I finally passed 100,000 subscribers, and I was planning on releasing my merch for the first time I was so excited to share this with you because I was working on it for months now except I went into the year not in the Best mental state. Okay, I'm gonna be honest I don't think I'm ever in a good mental state But if I am it goes away pretty fast and this happens a few more times in the year I wasn't over my ex. I mean, I don't think anyone gets over their latest ex 100% until they date someone better in the Future and listen some of you know about this person. This goes back two Freaking years you would think I'll be over it by now, especially because we dated for only three months But that was my first real relationship I never really loved someone like that before and honestly I just remembered him because I got a freaking birthday notification from my lovely phone calendar It's just every new year. I end up being single and sometimes I just want to feel that same love again But the problem was I didn't want to date. I was too scared to even though I am a romantic person I didn't want other people to deal with my problems and I thought I was too busy with YouTube to have time to dedicate to them So I never tried to date anyone I'd be too scared to go on dating apps in fear that people would only swipe right because they recognize me They wanted cloud or they just wanted to date me for the sake of dating someone famous That's in quotation marks. You guys know how I feel about that effort It was a really weird start to the new year because I should have been happy, right? I had an amazing community on YouTube. My grades weren't terrible. I had a nice friend group Why do I feel like something was still missing? Ah February my least favorite month One good thing that came out of it was that sunflower shoe video It made me want to do art again because I had fallen out of it since I didn't really have time anymore to draw I mean, I wasn't confident with what I did at the time I never took classes so I had to teach myself techniques But it started a whole new series on my channel and you really liked it So it made me want to keep going I kept designing and eventually made the BJ hoodie which you guys still like the most to this day Being able to design in general made me realize I had a passion for this too And I never drew this much until now But the reason I hate February is because Well, I've always been single and Valentine's Day is a thing Some of you haven't even been in a relationship and my advice is don't be pressured to Even though I learned really important lessons from them They put me in terrible mental states that I'm still trying to get out of I was able to see an old friend of mine though You might know him as Pie Blockster He helps me with the channel sometimes Ever since I moved from South Carolina to New Jersey I only stayed in touch with a couple friends and he was one of them It was nice being able to meet up again because I hadn't seen him in a while How could I forget this month? Our school had this idea to do a talent show The winner would be crowned Mr. and Mrs. Moorstown That's the city I lived in by the way I thought I was a little bit tacky And I'm not really a performer anymore because I quit piano a few years back It was mainly because I didn't like being competitive But my assistant principal, we'll call him Joe, insisted that I join it Mind you, the people who signed up are really popular And no, I don't want people to say I'm popular Not every YouTuber falls under the archetype I was just that one Asian guy who made YouTube videos I wasn't gonna perform in front of my school, you're crazy But Joe knew how I felt And he said, so change that I've confided in him for months now And he really understood me as a person He said he wanted me up there to prove you don't have to fall under the Moorstown stereotypes Wealthy cookie cutter family and the children are perfect And didn't do anything bad in high school Because the Moorstown were perfect Anyways, I reluctantly joined just to make him happy I got to play my piano medley And I lost Was I salty? No, because not many people showed up in the first place And I was just happy to have that confidence to perform again Plus a lot of people theorized that the voting was skewed Because the judges they hired counted for 75% of the vote And the people said I should have won But that's not the point Then came March 28th, the day I got accepted to NYU And rejected from every other school I felt so happy because this was my first choice I've always wanted to live in the city And my parents spent so much time and effort getting me to this point I didn't want to disappoint them And then I saw the price For those of you who are unaware You have to fill out two things called the FAFSA and the CSS profile Basically, the government and colleges themselves Take a look at your financial status And they might give you scholarships or aid Based on your grades and how much money you have or lack in your family I filled out the CSS profile two weeks later Because no one ever told me about it And I got back my cost of attendance And it was quite a lot Actually full price Talking to the admissions office didn't help at all I was really upset at that point And you probably know that because I talked about it on my channel This was my first choice And I can't even be happy because I started blaming myself for everything Why didn't I fill it out sooner? Why didn't I apply to more colleges? Why couldn't I apply to more scholarships? Why didn't I study more? Why was I so stupid? How am I going to pay for this? How could I take this burden and put it onto my parents? Now, don't bother debating on how I shouldn't be upset Because parents should pay for their child, blah blah blah The point is, that's how I felt and that's still how I feel I carry the idea that I let down my parents for months I'm not here trying to say what I'm feeling is right Most of the time I know I'm being irrational, dramatic But just knowing that isn't enough to stop me from thinking negatively My parents, as loving as they are, they said Don't worry about it, we'll help you And I had to go to school pretending that everything was fine My friends were all happy I got in But I wasn't I had this thing over my head Just telling me how much of a disappointment I was And I couldn't show anyone Well, not that I shouldn't It's just that I didn't want to show anyone April was a fun month because that was a senior trip We went to Disney and I made some really happy memories there And even met some of you guys So it cheered me up a lot Then I went on vacation because my parents wanted all of us To have that one last family gathering before I went to college And we hadn't been on a big trip in a while Senior prom Oh, how much I hate dancing I mean getting ready was fun But honestly spending time at the beach With my friends for prom weekend was better We then had all our graduation parties And started to say our goodbyes to high school I got to see my sister again And I went to my first Pride concert It was a really fun time Because I never really been surrounded by that many people Who were LGBT And it was just a nice time to celebrate June 14th was the last day of school Which meant graduation And saying goodbye to all the teachers Who helped me become the person I am today They were my mentors And gave me a lot of advice when it came to accepting myself So if you're a teacher watching me right now Thank you The graduation cat video There's not much else to say Except the fact that I was so excited to see my YouTube channel To start to grow this community of people who want to draw It made me more passionate Because I could finally see myself being able to pay for college And not have my parents do all the work And then my ex came back Some context for you He broke up with me I hated him and myself for years We had a lot of back and forth of just being toxic to each other And for some reason at this point I guess I was tired of hating him And I was in a good mentality I didn't block him when he texted We started talking again And caught up And now we're just friends Granted I did yell at him a little bit for texting me at 3am When I was about to sleep But we're cool now After saying goodbye to all my friends It was finally time to move into college I was so excited to be living in a completely different environment From where I grew up Living in New York has always been my dream And I finally achieved it Honestly, all these months were kind of a blur During my first semester I kind of had the same events going on every week Go to class Hang out with friends Do homework I loved my major Because it was genuinely fun for me New York City had something new going on every day I can't remember every event that took place And I'm not gonna focus on that But I just know that I loved it And I can't wait to go back and see my friends again It was final season And luckily for me I had no final tests Only projects and essays I managed to get all A's And I felt like my first semester was pretty successful Eventually though I did have to say goodbye to all my friends for now, of course I'll see them in another month once we return But it was time to see my friends back home And be with my family again And as for my mental state Well, it was going down since September As I noticed Fewer people were watching me And more people unsubscribing I started having doubts about myself Was my content stale now that I'm in college? Do I not connect with you guys as much as I did before? Did people only watch me because of how I looked? Was it not entertaining enough? What did I do wrong? Why did I disappoint everyone again? And myself There are so many negative thoughts on one point That I would have to go out sometimes You know, walk the Brooklyn Bridge by myself Just to cool off And I wouldn't tell anyone why I had to leave To some of you This will seem like an overreaction I'm not gonna deny that I am dramatic But I'm not gonna let you sit behind that screen And say my feelings aren't valid YouTube means a lot to me It's my dream It's what I do for a living I've always dreamt of making videos And being able to do it as my career Because I find it fun And when you see something you've worked five years on building Just start to plummet For reasons you can't figure out It gets to you How would you feel if you started to watch your dream job Start to plateau? I had to see red arrows pointing down all the time My number is just dropping And I couldn't stop thinking about it I've already thought of like this for years I constantly battle this idea of Am I enough? Or am I just wasting my time doing this? Even my mom asked me why I was losing subscribers Or how much money I'm making this month And the truth is mom it's less I didn't want to tell you Because I'm scared you wouldn't be as proud of me anymore And that I'll let you down Please don't blame my mom for feeling this downward thinking I was just too scared to tell her the truth I know she cares about me and is interested in what I do I was just the one who kept thinking this way And I did this with a lot of people Not just my friends and family I would get scared that companies who sponsored me Would be upset that I wasn't able to provide enough viewership for them Or that my merged company would get upset Because I couldn't promote my videos well enough To reach a wide audience And I did tell you guys That I would do a meet and greet I watched Nisgar Park in December And I ended up not doing it Because I didn't want you to see me like this I was too scared for the possibility that Once people saw me They wouldn't be satisfied I kept bottling all my emotions Because if I knew someone else knew my problems I would feel even worse Because I didn't want them to deal with me I put all this stress under myself That I started attacking my own appearance I had acne just from stressing myself out like this And then I lost self-confidence And even though I tried to encourage you to be confident with yourselves I failed to listen to my own words 2019 didn't really have a happy ending for me I mean not every year can be great at the end Sometimes I go through these low moments But then I get to appreciate what I already have And no, this video wasn't a cry for help Or me trying to get you to pity me I don't want you to I don't want to hear that I'm sorry This is mainly for myself to get this all out I knew if I didn't make this video and speak my mind I wouldn't get over it You deserve to know what's going on in my life In case sometimes I don't upload Or I seem off in future videos And if you're in a similar situation I hope this makes you feel less alone I wish I had someone who could tell me an answer To everything I just said But that's not gonna happen I know I have to change my mindset And stop judging myself so critically So hopefully I can do that better in the new year And I hope you feel better as well That's all I wrote And I'm here reading it right now And I'm just gonna let you know I feel better Sometimes these feelings just stay for a few weeks And then they just go I don't know why these negative feelings Just suddenly come and go whenever they want Knowing me is gonna happen again this year But the point is it always does go away So sorry this video is a little bit late I love you guys And remember everything is less than three Here's to 2020