 go live go in live right go in live go in live go in live and i'm live okay all right there's a hell of a delay oh wow so there's a bit of a delay because i'm streaming this through OBS which is a streaming software all it means is i can do like i can pull things on to screen and we can do chip i don't know i'm sat on the floor at the moment and it's been a long day so far um the trolls just love you don't they yeah i know telling me trust me i'm at the same person going on now since last night and it's like me you're blocked why are you still going like obviously i have two accounts like you i take account three accounts but it's so stressful it's really weird because this is so delayed hi you feel me like it's really delayed it's weird how delayed it is but i guess that's what i get we're using a streaming software today so i'm reading it all a lot quicker than it's showing uh i've already been streaming for a minute but two minutes solidly now and this one's again a minute so yeah hope you're doing okay i have slipped up this week i had a bit of a moment this week and i ended up in aining and it was shit don't be wrong um it was it was hard but you know we're getting there we're working on it and that's all i can do all i can do and want to do is work on myself and hello funk monk cool name so i know it's like the stream really but i was like how the hell do i use obs so yeah obs is strange not gonna lie i'm not i'm not used to being delayed because i usually stream directly through youtube but yeah apparently i'm not to on here is it youtube are changing all the stuff and it's all new and i don't like it i was going on to twitter um got a high pitch noise in my ear so if you are here say hello hi just just give us all a hi please check video resolution no don't remember you haven't so i'm bs much support and social i know it's in that i hear points this week and i don't know what got me that and ending up in any honestly i just can't get my head around it still i'm just like how the fuck did i let myself do that again and you know that's that's hard you should use twitch for instead of streaming i don't have a twitch account um i prefer so yeah great books midnight start of the stream here in the town undiverse luckily i'm up gaming it was nice to see you here um yeah i don't use twitch because i don't know how to use it youtube is more upside i understand youtube apart from all the new stuff the new stuff is irritating but you know here's what it is and hello hello to everyone who's joining sorry that my phone keeps going off uh it's twitter what else would it be if it wasn't twitter i'm not to mute my phone eventually because it it will just keep going off that downside of having a phone as notifications enabled i'm still getting attacked on on twitter that's fun so um yeah what's this i'm just streaming just having a chat you know i'm gonna catch up i used to do streams every week and that kind of stopped when i moved my phone my phone is never on silo like i'm that person in lectures whose phone rings and it's because the button on the side of my phone is actually broke so what you're gonna do you know i can't use it unless i'm like i'm still disconnect my instagram my phone for a moment maybe i get some reason why it that so let's talk about twitter notification beat drives me me up the wall i stay on silent mostly i used to and then my phone broke it's sad it's very sad um it just so you know like this is my unicorn that's like poking its head out here um yeah it's it's really weird just put it under a pillow lol i would but that's the other side of my room i'm literally sat on the floor at the moment with a window behind me which kind of the wrong way around really thinking about it but hey life you know so it is strange being on delay i'm not gonna gonna lie it's there aren't quite strange because i i've got youtube open with chat and i can also see where it's like like where it's up to on the live stream and i can also see the what i'm what i'm doing right now it's like hella confusing hella confusing so yeah uh it's been a it's been a week let me tell you um i've had so many debates with myself this week like i've been like do i carry on do i stop what do i do what am i doing with everything um my anxiety got really out of control the other day and as you know i ends up in the hospital that's not fun um since then i've kind of been just like recovering from the hospital thing social social media is a mis is misnamed it could be anti social media with me out of crap that happens on various platforms literally literally i wonder if i could pull the chat up on the screen so you can see what i see i probably can let's let's try why not um window capture okay window i have an idea it's an idea i have an idea i have an idea so now you guys can see what i can see and this works like you do for me so yeah anti social media shall i shall i put that as a title on here the anti social movement sorry that you just see how i'm like setting everything up but i think it's just easier i think if this works okay i think i mean it's not perfect but is anything i do so that that there we go got a set off it works you know we can we can see where i'm at and how slow this and how slow the chat is being for me um my laptop sounds like it's about to explode uh obviously i'm new to OBS this is new for me and it's like my chat is so delayed so what do we want to talk about today guys what more chat should we have so i was i was trying to film a video earlier today and um it it didn't sound right the way i worded everything so i i deleted it and now i'm just like how do i improve it how do i work on it how do i you know i just i didn't know how to do it like i don't know like i think i'm having a lot of debates this week really about like what videos i want to make how i want to do them and i have so many ideas but at the same time i have no ideas like my brain is running so fast that i'm thinking of things and i'm moving on to the next before we've been taking note of the last thing and although i just can't keep up with it also sorry about the state of my hair today um i dyed it last night i'm father sleep well here what i went out today and it was raining and my hair is not this monstrosity warning please check your hair resolution so yes this is always better because i can read the chat as i'm streaming that's better than having it all delayed and weird i think maybe possibly yeah what's up maybe try writing down some ideas of what you'd like to say and leave it and come back and written it so i've tried that i don't know if i have a notebook down here i might be off oh probably a notebook i'm using that'd be helpful it's my sound quality okay because i am using a microphone today there's nothing for everything isn't there oh my god youtube is so far behind sorry about the delay hey at least i'm only drinking out of a one video but all this time look i've been i've only been gone with the errors i've been doing the same thing for a very long time now um it should be okay now is that better is it okay now because um um there should only be like one thing that's inputting hi lydia are you feeling any better since you were in a hospital yes i am yeah i'm doing all right oh i'm gonna tap on my camera shit i forgot that was that people underestimate how heavy the camera's are and how irritating they are okay so i'm doing okay i've been dealing with kind of the aftermath of it all like i've been dealing with the feeling of you know not i've been dealing a lot with just the aftermath of it and like obviously to come down from the meds i'm not going to talk about what i took or any game in the amount because that's not the youtube like yes i took an overdose and no it wasn't a suicide attempt but back still does remain but it happened and i've been getting a lot of hate on this and i uh this is something i did when i talk about industry it's kind of the reason i'm doing a stream i posted a vlog that i filmed while i was completely out of it when i was in hospital i was completely out of it i can't remember half of what went on when i was in hospital because the off the meds that i took it would it made me so hate like faded out to everything and i filmed parts of it i don't even really remember filming them i remember some parts but anyway i put that vlog out and everyone's done well and people have been supportive and it's been it's done quite well for itself really to be honest um it's not monetized now i don't monetize things like that you see people have got this obsession with the fact that i make money off youtube and let me tell you i earn around 15 pound a month on youtube i earn money through patreon and i earn money through xc my only income is through my social media well when i post videos that are like deep that are my story videos that are like a and e videos i don't feel i don't know what i'm saying i've got my brains gone blank oh i want to say for a moment that i did take i just i did earn 25 prm 25 milligram to prm of quit typing before coming on here um just because my anxiety is a bit what can i say i wanted to ask you guys what you honestly think about what i post because i know a lot of people it helps and that's not me being all self-obsessed like you might message that i get saying my videos help is unbelievable but what's getting to me at the moment is their hate and people are like oh not you're not getting hated and you're not getting hated and the last stream i did on this channel was with someone called stephanie who i thought that stream i thought that stream went pretty well considering i've had over this for a short while i was probably in the organs possibly i i had IVs in and stuff um it wasn't fun and then they got busy and they stopped running out of the fluid and i don't i had to have my i don't like you used to see the mark i had to have my IV in my hand and it was hitting me so i took it out like i know how to do that um what i wanted to ask is when i posted that vlog my intention was to show that mental illness is brutal and i don't i don't try and sugarcoat things i don't try and make things seem anything other than what they are i show life very much so for what it is and that includes the bad bad i try and keep my video as as least true as i can and i do know that some of my videos are true it's unavoidable and when it came to that video i deleted out like numbers i deleted out what i talk and it just gets to me people think that i do it for money i'm very open i don't have any money like i literally i don't have money and yeah i occasionally buy new outfit because you know my weight is changing so much at the moment and you know i don't really have to justify my spending but the problem is for me is it gets quite a lot he first you might only talk about it because i want attention and people don't really realize how hard it is to sit in front of a camera and talk about some of your darkest moments and then edit that and then upload that it's so hard to do and there are so many times i film stuff and not put it out and there's so many videos i've got on my hard drive that i just can't edit and that i just can't put out and that's because it's a very emotional thing to do like when i was posting hospital vlogs when i was in page at this year that was emotionally draining let me tell you like it i can't even explain how draining that was for me it took a lot to upload them once it takes out to play any video like you're literally putting yourself out there to be judged and when you're terrified of people judging you it's uh it's quite hard you know what that's that's life and things are just like i don't try to be something i'm not you know i'm not pretending that you know i'm not going to say that i'm flying when i'm not and i feel like anyone knows that edge you it's like you all know that i don't piss about with stuff like this like that's not what this channel's about like i'm not going to that color is disgusting as well yeah right people just get money from youtube and they're not is right you can make it a post or video that's positive and something about that would hate it i think it's good what you post you can need to know how how they're willing to help flex people daily you're right it's hard to talk about actually get on camera which is quite great i appreciate that like i've got so much footage of me literally sitting there being like what do i say because it's draining like when i film like six seven videos in a day like that takes so much out of me and what's up what's up hi hello i'm currently streaming for obs which is why it's so delayed it's very delayed i'm i'm like i wanted to start doing misconception videos every monday and after i've done the stream i'm going to film tomorrow's video my question to you is what video should we do like what misconception video should we do because i i want this channel to be something obviously i want to help people i want people to feel less alone i'm never gonna claim to be a professional i don't try to be one like hell i'm a freaking film student like i'm the opposite of what anyone would think of a professional like i've got a fucking blue and green purple there at the moment and i'm drinking can't leave a bottle of coke okay and that life will literally have things to do in my head and let's uh come over with that um see ya ah no i need that ha ha hello where are you how you doing i agree do you encourage people to be more open i'm not meant to be honest you encourage me the more of us to open the less they know that'll be that's really weird i actually said like there's a video that's coming out tonight at nine p.m i think scheduled for and i literally said that in that video i was like that we just need to talk about it to get more awareness that's a wow i'm so here from this conceptual series me too like i like i just don't i don't know which one to start on like i i i don't i want to like i don't know i can't explain but i um i'd love a job helping people with mental health issues just need to yeah yeah i get that i totally get that like i wish that i could go and work in a shop just to get extra money you know i wish i could do that i've tried to have jobs in the past i have had jobs in the past i haven't worked a current since i was 18 17 18 and i haven't been able to work for a long time i have like back-to-back signals it's it's kind of ridiculous at this point um i don't think at the moment i don't think place uh place where i can you know go get a job as well as uni and how are you back at uni yes i am um i'm going into uni tomorrow yeah i did i i was technically back last week i just accidentally slept through my lectures people seem to be rather hostile towards i love that mental health that is rough and makes them uncomfortable which will like you contribute to the stigma yeah and i'm under no illusion that my videos are easy to watch or fucking enjoyable you know i i'm bluntly honest and i will say why think like nothing will make me anymore i wonder if i can not to break it but that little light is doing my head um i i've been on youtube since 2009 so that's 10 years in my life that i've spent putting my life out there and you know what until this year right until this year i'd never really received any hate and it was amazing let me tell you and then it all kicked off in one go and it's been consistent obviously being not being serious is a big misconception people just think you're clean or meticulous i have heard that misconception so many times um actually back in uh about three years ago actually melissa and me melissa is i drank seawater we did a collaboration on my channel and we talked about how to do actually i think there's a video on her channel as well i think it's still on my channel but i will i'm quite happy to do the iocd uh i don't have my own experience with it but i can use the internet and i can use twitter so i'm quite happy to do a video on that i should get a notebook i should get a notebook shouldn't i really and a pen i'm looking around because i normally a pen is everywhere normally it's guaranteed the one time i want a pen there isn't one uh i'm just gonna go get a pen and a notebook and then i'll be back i have no idea what's going on like on youtube or anything like also if you are like new here hi hello subscribe ring the little notification bell um also quickly want to mention this actually before i uh screw off to get a pen i have started doing a monthly self-care box basically a subscription box only without a subscription part you get to opt for which ones you want basically and that is on my Etsy store and there's been controversy and i'll talk about that in a moment i'm about to show you some of the things that i have for my Etsy store and like what these little like boxes are like i can send you my experience in my dad's if you like yes that'd be well helpful that'd be really helpful um i see a lot from a few misconceptions about depression largely seems like understand me yeah i agree with that i'm screenshotting stuff because i need to get stuff for as i ain't gonna remember it right i need i need food well that's a whole of a story um what was i doing oh that's from our self-care boxes so right these my i'm started doing a monthly self-care box and what you get in that it it's like i don't know how many of you know about this but there's a thing called body box which you get sent a box that's full of self-care things and you know all bpg and misconceptions so don't get anything started don't get me started on the bpd ones it's very very stigmatized disorder trust me i know i i hate how people have but i've seen what i've seen what it does to people i don't think it's talked about very often though like that's something that should be talked about more there's a youtuber who i used to watch my car and what name is who vlogged her like ocd and like she vlogged like when she was experiencing these things kind of what i did when i was in hospital what's your epsi name idea it's life with lydia mh i will write it i'll write it on screen now for you and let me change the cooler i think i'm purple that works that is if you type that in on etsy there's a little name thing that's being thrown around the screen i'm gonna put above my head um that is my etsy store based on my youtube channel mh so this is my tiktok and let me tell you i've been getting really into using tiktok ideal of honestly down battery dying love everyone love you so if you say suicide is selfish but they don't realize how important i have right this is a this is a subject i don't talk about when it comes to suicide i have mixed feelings right so as you know i have been suicidal i have also lost people to suicide so i agree that it's not selfish i don't believe suicide is a selfish act as long as what's tiktok addictive tiktok it's a mobile app where you get two lips in basically that's pretty much it i'll play one of my own because i'm funny i'm not but oh thank you for favoriting the shop it's appreciated it's the police who is it it's the police what you want we just want to talk how many of you are there there's two sir talk to each other then who is it that's what tiktok is tiktok is how i spend my three times because i don't have much of a life um yeah i enjoy tiktok but um yeah i'm releasing the october self care box at the end of the week so that's exciting i i actually got the stuff with that today so yeah i never used vine you know i had the app before i've never made a vine so i kind of missed the whole trend there guys if you haven't already make sure you hit the thumbs up button give it a little tickle because it always like i didn't realize you had tiktok i think this would end up hopefully my username's the same as it is on bingo because i had to i tried to keep all my username's similar how you're doing how you're doing okay i'm i'm doing okay i you know there was a whole hospital thing and that happened and then hospital um the side effects of the arrows that i took earlier this week now really i still feel a bit a zombified i don't know if zombified is the right word but it keeps me very mellowed out at the moment so i'm not i haven't had to use like my benzo was so that's good i i didn't i don't know i used to use tiktok all the flicking time and my favorite one is this one license and registration please can you tell me why you pull me over you remember about 15 seconds ago throwing this donut at me and saying here piggy piggy piggy piggy get the donut that donut doesn't look very familiar i only had bavarian cream okay do you really have that license and registration please i enjoyed tiktok i watched you instead live stream do you feel got any exotic no at the time yes i did i thought it was all all out there i thought it was okay and then it all kicked off again a few days ago and to be very honest i'm done with it i do have better things to do than try and respond to everything that she and her little army of people rip apart i just can't be bothered with anymore you know i try to have an adult conversation with someone and it i feel like it crashed a bit i feel like we had something going and then it like it's the indirect stuff like if you just directly like ask me a question you know that would have been fine but no my tiktok's quite funny actually because you can see like when i started it i was struggling with mating disorder a lot and then you see i missed it right on top i think i left that top on george's actually i think you know what i was talking about i thought the life show were the sort of things but she's still being rude and kind of paying her off literally like she could have just messaged time for me to go crash out for the night have a good night and take care of yourself as well i tried my best to answer things that i could it was hard because this is was the first time me and her had had an actual conversation um i in my opinion i answered the questions i answered the questions about kailyn i answered the questions about it i answered the questions about about like the whole panel i think i answered questions about everything and what you have to remember is there's so much i can put out there when i do have like when i do have like legal issues of people with the kailyn thing there's only so much i can say because kailyn robbed over 200 pound from me like there's only so much i can say in videos and live streams which is why some of the questions were hard to answer but in my opinion i think that stream should have been a way of us opening communication between us and i thought it was and then bam more negativity more hate more oh she did this i don't like it and it it yeah i i answered them as well as i could and what people don't remember is my anxiety was bad that day because i was so anxious about it because she could have asked anything so i didn't i don't know what she was gonna say i've never spoken to this girl before apart from when she claimed that someone stole her identity which is a whole other thing but i'm not gonna go into that because that's not relevant to this they feel entitled to the answers they want to feel entitled to what they perceive to be true and i gave answers to the best that i could i did i did my best when i came to answering them i put my life out there as it is i don't show the quota i'm not gonna say that i'm fine when i'm not and i don't take shit from people like if people want to start on me good for them i will answer and i will respond and people might not think that's a good idea but you know what i'm not one of them people who are gonna sit and just pretend it doesn't exist because it's out there on the internet and at the end of the day some of what they're saying is slanderous and it is damaging to what i do and that's not okay that's never gonna be okay like today i've had an account going at me pretty much all day today saying how i'm money obsessed and all this and all that i do have an exit store and i have patreon and yes people sometimes use super chats that that's my income you know i haven't even had my student finance yet this year so i've had to pay my rent out my own fucking bucket which you know considering my rent is fucked on and that hasn't been easy to do so yeah i may have been promoting debt ceiling i might have been promoting my patreon a lot that is very simply because money is shit you know my bank account is so overdrawn that my god if i try to use my bank card i reckon like it's gonna have big flashing lights or something then because fucking hell i have no choice but to extend my overdraft and it's hard you know i'm a student a student finance that haven't funded it yet like i'm living off what i have which the current is about five you know but that being said i still have to have clothes to wear you know like people are like oh you shouldn't have bought clothes they can disagree that's fine they don't need to attack you i completely agree with you that 100% agreeing like i don't expect everyone to like me i don't expect everyone to you want to know about me that does not give people the right to attack everything i tell do that does not give people the right to say like it's the comments on my medication that really that's something that bothers me i hate that you feel you have to defend yourself against trolls but you do kind of actually don't you i do because otherwise it just ends with some big fucking spiral like no one's talked about the facts that had a gladwell on me oh that bitch fucking hell we have some drama um there's just you know i've tried to stay away from drama on youtube it's been the one thing i've wanted to avoid and it is sad that it's come about this year because i honestly feel that this year on youtube has been possibly one of the best years i've had on youtube like i've really opened up about some things that are really hard to talk about and one of them things being the whole police issue that i had impressed him you know now that court case has been in gone i can talk about it properly but when it was all going on i made a video not talking i didn't even name the police force that the issues were with and that video got attacked by a lot of people and i had to take it down because i just couldn't deal with hate and i actually hate that it's got to a point now where i've had to take down so many videos i used to have so many videos on my channel i used to have about 500 videos and now i have less than 500 i've got about 400 i find it odd that they state they aren't professionals we're constantly criticizing you about your medications that you take what they're doing is not okay when i hear you there so hey there we go that's all i've known about my medication so right i take two benzodiazepines one being clonazepam the other one being larazepam clonazepam i take at night or if i'm having a very very bad PTSD moment i take larazepam four times a day at current um i got increased in the week because it became apparent after the few overdose that my anxiety was pretty bad so it got increased back up to the 28 tablets a week so then we have zofi kylone which is my sleeping tablet i i don't know why i don't sleep and theoretically i should have built up a tolerance to that tablet by now i've been on it for two years but i haven't and it works so i take it i take puttypium which is an antipsychotic and i take that 125 in the evening and 25 prm i have venylophaxine which at current i take 150 in the morning 150 in the evening that's extended release the way i take my medication is as it's written on the box i i only took it over the other day because things have got so built up i was doing anything i could to calm my anxiety down and you know as soon as i realized what i did i got called help because i'm not suicidal anymore and to be able to say that and mean it like to say that i'm not suicidal because my meds have helped me that means so much to me i when people are like oh well you can't rely on meds i'm just like but they help for now that's my plan my plan to actually stay in the community like like for more than six months you know if you do not need the benzodiazepines then the doctor will not prescribe it your prescription is pre-unia prescribed but it is very much so my gp at the moment has openly said that she does not like me taking so many but doesn't want to mix mess with them because i've been on so many other medications i think people don't realize that behind the camera i've tried a lot of other medications my anxiety i've tried taking propanenol it made me paranoid and paranoid me we don't need it when it comes to my medication i don't think people have a right to comment on whether i take something or don't take something yes i do choose to put that information publicly just because people are so afraid to try medication and that people are afraid of benzos like people don't want to add as well and people say that i'm anti-therapy and i'm not i think therapy is a great first point of all i think some people it works great for some i'm not one of them people i i cannot stand going to therapy i can't like i don't have to patience for it i don't see the point in it and i don't want to do it i don't if i was to start taking my meds right here right now i would be in hospital within a week for my mental health i rely on my medication and that's totally okay that's okay to say that's okay to happen you know like there's some like people rely on medication for different reasons with mental health physical health anything like i don't think people have a right to just judge it because i take benzodiazepines yes and everyone knows benzodiazepines are addictive all right we all know that i haven't ever pretended that anything that they're not if i can take a tablet and not have panic attacks one after the other constantly and i'm able to go out the house i will take a pill i don't care what pill it is it's almost prescribed in legal if i can take a tablet no matter how addictive it is and it helps with my anxiety i will take it every time because my anxiety and medicated is unbearable therapy doesn't work for me that i was in therapy right here so i just i can't i i tried a lot like you have to remember i've tried both private funded and nhs funded i've self-funded my therapy which fucking expensive but you know your girl doesn't want to struggle forever so i did that because i wanted to recover then we have the nhs funded ones and well i could sell so many stories because of my cards i can't believe so many therapists i had i had a blind therapist once and that was uh it was a kind of interesting actually because usually therapists rely on body language but the therapist doing and it was very that was really interesting and that was the one that i was just general talking therapy and the guy who was the therapist it was really helpful like that that time it helped a lot it helped me deal with a very recent traumatic incident and you know it was also interesting to learn like how he did the therapy sessions you know being blind i'm not disrespecting your blind but i don't that you can't read their body language my biggest fear is whenever i recover i yeah yeah i get that 100 percent 100 percent go that like i'm a point in a moment where i feel like i've put in so much effort like i i've worked a lot in your name now i feel like i've worked as hard as i can for now and unfortunately that means i'm not like just relying on medication for a bit it's just fine you know if i'm stable i'll take that obviously i'd love to come on medication and love to be you know just i wait for it all but that's not where i'm at and i get the fear of not recovering trust me my mood is all over the place today she received that that that troll was uh something else show me show her a look i'm guessing they're half because also is anyone here joining that or there the life of the mental health is my empty store and my tiktok account started add that in right let's let's go on to twitter oh my god i got so many notifications or i hit 10 000 followers on twitter this week like it it's unbelievable to be honest like 10 300 followers on on twitter that's unbelievable is your is your level of pressure from put tight at the end um the other day on the overdose yes like i find when i wake up i i get very very lightheaded um they haven't they haven't responded recently i've had four of my shins to my tower for yeah i've been in hospital a lot um this year alone i've been in five times this year um i did struggle a lot earlier this year because um one of my closest friends committed suicide and that event in itself was a lot to take when i was in hospital i needed to be there your uncle type in i look at i'm here to cause me to get oh i like yeah i take the type i take 125 at night and 25 prm it's why i'm a bit out of it at the moment i had some before i came on stream um i've i've had a lot of admissions this year i'll accept that response you know i have or it's hard like if i hadn't had them admissions would i be sat here right now probably not they happened for a reason and this year i have been fortunate and i did go in informally i did wasn't sectioned i was given the choice of going or you know going or you're going anyway so i went in informally i'd get placed on section five at one point because uh someone wanted the self discharge and someone wasn't able to do that tiktok live tiktok oh geez i've been asleep on my toes i'm i've been on it for a while i've been on it since april may april i think i don't know kind of um yeah it was yeah i think a big thing i want to stop talking about is the reality of impatient because it's not what people think it is at least in the uk it's not like it's not all therapy and stuff a lot of the time it's assessment by and people are so afraid of it like i get why people are afraid of being locked in hospital against their will like what what part of that concept isn't terrifying you know but you know as someone who's been in hospital it's not like the way it was and i don't know i don't i'm sorry if i seem a bit out of it at the moment i i don't know what what's up with me i'm just like i keep zoning in as i know i hope that when they say in the fight yeah i know that it bothers me so it's like well you can be informal but if you try and leave in june not june may when i was in st charles hospital which is in london obviously that's where i live um i wasn't allowed leave for the first week i managed to get a squirted leave so one three six is 24 hour hold section two is 28 day hold section three is six months renewable um section five is like a nurse holding power section bar i think is also a nurse holding power um section one three five is police power inside persons property section 17 is where you get a given leave from hospitals um that's all that i can remember wow my memory uh i think i did well there like my memory saved me well for once also i'm sorry i i feel like i keep zoning in and zoning out of this i'm trying to be present more caffeine more caffeine is needed it's not what i wanted to go on what i wanted to go on five five four you as well i've got to go hopefully okay bye bye it's the quick therapy and can tell it's wiping you out literally it's like i'm on i'm on just standard release i'm not even on like extended release or anything but i took it like about an hour ago i'm like i took it a fair bit ago it's needed to today i've been a bit afraid of taking my vet benzo since um Wednesday's incident just because my body is still obviously getting over that like you know it's probably safe me to take them now like but i don't want to play with them at the moment i'm not i don't know god i feel like i'm just hot let's get out of it but let's push on see how far i can push it before i fall asleep on stream the last quality content but you know i do like the fact that i have this platform and i do want to say this i don't know what i would do for you guys like live streaming is something that i love doing and well i i'd love doing streams like i love being here and hello hi thank you what's up um i i love having this platform and you know i love for having twitter like i said on twitter i hit 10 000 followers this week and that is a huge number like that is huge i'm aiming what's been happening someone found me i would just have a chat um i really want to hit 5000 subscribers on youtube that's my goal for the year to reach 5000 i don't have big ambitions for youtube i don't make much money from youtube because you know i don't monetize all my videos and some of them aren't monetizable anyway because you know youtube terms of service at their finest all i can hear is fucking police sirens so i got put off now sorry i had to come off but i'm back hello again what's up uh also just so you guys know like the chat is on the screen just because it's really delayed if i read it on like youtube if it's on here i can like stream as it's coming on to my screen that's why very small shit explanation um if i see half out of it i am i am half out of it we was video planning that's what we were doing and i remanded had a pen down here because i was sat down here near the line sorry i'm in my little like four area um anyway i just know i've all thought because i'm in a small grown-up clearly uh i want to let's watch some video ideas together guys let me just go get a pen and a notebook i'm so unfair it's ridiculous us what's going on can you do any therapies and did you uh i'm currently in cat therapy i've never heard of cat therapy i anything more stable um but i am going looking at doing emdr therapy when i am more stable i've done personally done dbt a lot of cbt talking therapy is my own funnest based therapy is uni life vlogs i don't go to uni that much i don't know a little ding as well you know where i came from emdr i've tried i i did try it briefly um last year i tried to self fund and i went to the first session and it was too much i couldn't do it i just i haven't had enough stability to start doing it stuff like that yet and i i find it hard to talk about trauma and talk about stuff like that you wouldn't think there's that looking at my channel would you like i like so i thought it'd be around making videos is is hard which i'm too depressed in detail i take venlafaxi and um i was on a combination of venlafaxi and tracidone tracidone doesn't really do much other than send me to sleep what i'll be like this is what my plans for videos look like like so i've got this like okay right videos i want to make i'm going to read these i do my experience with private therapy i've done the antidepressant one police and mental health having to have some of the issues of having it i did that video how i manage my flashbacks and how to tell science and symptoms of depression my experience with benzos that's the video i've got planned dermatillomania which i'm learning about this and things we want you to know you make you guys may remember me tweeting out a bit ago asking you guys what you wanted to say to a loved one and that is for a video like i'm working on my videos things you want you to know so then we've got another page that says videos to make number one i'm a tripply and 15-year-old grand horror story a stupid thing i did let's talk about benzos i did this when i was a pan one preparing yourself for court put type in and my experience when i got diagnosed with ptsd ptsd diagnosed with story surviving in a beautiful relationship and myself on free and my eating disorder story police and mental health it's always a requested one i'm going to make a list of videos that we'd like to see so we have we've got ocd misconceptions innocent nilts from the discriminals in the world um no comment i i've been wrongfully arrested and assaulted by police in custody so yeah you don't need to tell me that um i'm doing the ocd misconceptions should i do a video talking about like cut tie opinion would you guys be interested in that like cut tie opinion i wanted to do like more so yeah if you guys have got any requests to videos let me know because i'm currently writing that i'm in a notebook and i'm gonna film some of these videos and well bp misconceptions definitely and then we have suicide warning science yeah that's a good idea i haven't come around and done that i said once i'm in the street i'm gonna probably chill for a little bit first and then i'm gonna film a few videos because i've got uni this week and i've got no pre-recorded stuff so yeah i'm gonna need some quick tie opinion eating disorders conceptions yeah sorry that it takes me so long to write stuff my hand right in it it's not great but do i look as tired as i feel probably all right i've bought food i bought and i have pan of chocolate of course i don't have actual food and i've already got crumbs everywhere oh yeah i agree the weight gain weight gain on anti-psychotics oh trust me i know also i'm not sure how much longer i'm gonna stream for because i'm getting like quite tired weight gain on for rocksteen as a bitch you know what i haven't been on what is that thing sticking out doing this this is the thing sticking out on the screen it's a unicorn it's a unicorn and hello always hi i'm eating pan of chocolate and this is a chair if you're wondering why it's so delayed that would be because i'm streaming through avias we're just coming up with video ideas at the moment um the next video coming out is tonight and it's already uploaded like i can only tell you what it is the next video my channel is what was it eating the solar one the next video on my channel is eating the solar recovery tag that's what's coming out tonight oh shit shit so yeah um streaming usually i get i always put an aroquip resolve after potion of being like getting through stow in two months yikes i need i haven't i nearly got started on aroquip resolve when i was in patient in Lancashire which is like two years ago now um but they didn't they just left me to fend for myself so that was that was great shout out to Lancashire maybe a good video idea could tell me where i'm at at the end of the solar system how competitive yes all right that idea the idea is rushing down and i don't know i'm trying and so hard to like fight this patriarchy and at the moment you can probably tell but i'm like just getting more zoned out the more i stream you know what i think i am gonna actually have to end stream because i feel like him would have fallen asleep and as much as i you know i'm clearly social hunger i mean nothing else but i'm gonna have to i don't feel bad about saying that i'm gonna have to go because you know i'm i don't know i care about what you want guys to say you know uh maybe we should make this a weekly thing guys should we should we go back to having streams once a week like we used to um we used to have them every monday and i can do that again obviously not tomorrow but um yeah let me know in the actual comment section not the chat like the comment section down below if you'd like me to go back to doing live streams every like once a week and let me know which day works best because we used to do it on monday and we used to have hella chats and they was great and yeah i am gonna have to end the stream here because i am exhausted this is the video yeah i'm gonna have to go and hi bonnie um but thank you for thank you for coming here thank you for supporting me and i'll speak to you guys soon also do you like my be right be up be right back thing should me and get ready for the video thank you lose uh so i'd like my be right back thing i think it's amazing but um i got bored i hope yes anyway i'm in favor of a weekly stream awesome let's plan it out in the comments bye