 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay.com I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today our topic love is not as simple as men are from Mars So love is not as simple as men are from Mars Really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button Hit the bell so you can be notified of new content and if you like this video Please hit that like button so it gets seen in the YouTube algorithms Lastly, these are my weekend videos that I shoot on my balcony very similar to the videos I shoot my group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you get to have direct access to me on a regular basis to ask questions And I shoot personalized videos just for you in the group So check out the link below in the description and in the first comment All right, let's talk about love is not as simple as men are from Mars So if you're not familiar with the book men are from Mars women are from Venus Best-selling book best-selling book for over 20 years It explains kind of the differences between the genders from a both biological perspective and from a sociological perspective in other words how men operate differently than women Based on both how their brain operates the different hemispheres and also with respects to testosterone and estrogen and one of the most famous aspects of the book is When a man's testosterone is down, he needs to go into his cave He needs to go to take a break from the relationship to recharge his batteries And that's one of the top premises in there as well as some other things of how men do things differently And while I respect many of the premises in the book It's very difficult to generalize Each man particularly based on this and quite frankly it kind of misses out on some things I mean, I know it misses out on some significant things with love which I'm going to share in just a moment But let me just say this women need to recharge their batteries as well You know this whole thing that when a man comes home after a hard day of work He needs to go into his man cave to recharge his batteries, and he doesn't want to deal with you Well, you know what women do the same thing we Human be so what I'm really getting at is a lot of what stayed in the book is more Human behavior and not necessarily particular to men and women per se now again I'm not to suggest that there isn't some validity to the book I just want to go deeper as to why Human beings or interpersonal relationships between men and women have struggles and one of the first things I think it's really important to recognize is something called love attachment style love attachment style And if you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller Attached by the way, there's a link to all my recommended books below called Jonathan recommends Why this is such an important book to read is to understand what's called love attachment style and while there's different thoughts are on this Basically in your first couple years of childhood how we bond with our parents During those early stages can cause us to be one of three things Basically, we can either be anxious. We can be avoidant or we can be secure I don't really want to touch upon secure yet because what I believe and this is just now my personal opinion is that most children babies either Are either one or the other they're anxious or avoidant what anxious is is they're needy needy needy I need love I need love I need love now how that happened in childhood They were screaming for their parents and the parent didn't come and they started to feel less within themselves Those are one of the aspects of it or the other aspect of it from the avoidant is that they don't trust that their Parent is going to come to love them and then they loot they have no trust Around love and I'm just giving you my opinion on this You may definitely want to read the book go to the website. Definitely check it out So anxious people as adults become very needy in relationship anxious people as adults become very needy in relationships and Avoidants tend to push away relationships, and I know many of you are very familiar with this You're very familiar with avoidant dismissive There's different variations of avoidance. They're variations of anxious, but basically the core pieces Is avoidant people tend to push away from love and anxious people tend to push into love in other words They're desired to be needed. Let me repeat that the anxious person is a desire to be needed and the avoidant Rejects being needed by their partner now Oftentimes people who are anxious attract avoidance, and there's a dynamic in there. That's the lot of friction This is where the secure comes in where two people feel safe with one another They feel safe with another they feel secure in the relationship And I think this is more important to understand than the gender differences I think one of the challenges is rather than looking at it from a gender perspective Let's look it from a human perspective. That's where all my coaching comes in. Oh, by the way, I can see my shirt Do you guys see my shirt? Willy Wonka Willy Wonka and my cup of the day is salty vibes. Do you see that? That's my mug of the day salty vibes If you're not familiar my son Connor who passed away his nickname is salty He had various different Nick's nicknames and how he got that nickname was he used to spill So he used to pour a lot of salt on his food And it would spill on his lap and his buddies used to call them salty balls And then from there every salty variation came out. So in honor of Connor I'm drinking from a salty vibe and by the way that was a gift from one of you beautiful people out there You sent it to my business office. I am so grateful for all the mugs and gifts you send. Thank you so much All right, let's get back into this because this is really juicy stuff so a Lot of times the friction in relationship has nothing to do with gender because there can be anxious men Well, well men tend to be more avoidant and women tend to be more anxious And I'm not sure if the percentage is 60 40, you know in either way kind of thing I would say women tend to be more anxious and men tend to be more avoidant. However, I'm an anxious attacher I'm an anxious attacher. I am very needy in relationship And what that means is for the longest time I used to operate from the premises I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself Let me repeat that. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself And that's how an anxious person operates So it's it's more like fight for the relationship fight for the relationship fight for the relationship And this is I'm a man doing this not a woman doing this This isn't based on a Mars and Venus kind of thing This is a human behavior and I know many of you can relate to this and I will tell you I went through years of pain and agony chasing chasing fighting love fighting love when I'm talking about being in a relationship with someone And I happen to be in relationship with an avoid it So every time I pushed forward she would push away and this would cause me so much inner havoc And I'm sure from her perspective. It was very daunting on her part to be with someone who was this way Now what I realized is after after many many months and months and months of You know pulling or asking for love and then her pulling away She didn't leave me in the relationship. And so I became more and more secure That love was going to sustain itself Let me repeat that our relationship was going to sustain itself because my fear was centered around She would break up with me. She would break up with me and I kept I kept pushing I I kept pushing her away I kept pushing her away chasing love But this isn't a Mars or Venus thing This isn't I need to go in the cave and understand that piece You've got to understand that this anxious attachment could be men or women It's not a gender thing although women tend to be more anxious and men tend to be more avoid it So this is why I highly recommend reading this book Now how I cured myself from my anxious Attacher was I began doing a deep dive into personal development self-help and spiritual work Which is self-love and so I actually my book if you're not familiar with my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? There's a link below to my book this began helping me get out of my anxious attachment style Now before you run off here I have something else that it's so important to understand so please bear with me for a few extra minutes and That is love attachment is one piece What's also important to understand is something called the amago the amago and if you're not familiar with the amago I highly recommend reading the book getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt Getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. This will help you understand the amago is We also oftentimes choose people who are like one of our parents repeat that we choose people like There because they're familiar to us They're like one of our parents that didn't give us love in relationship. I'm gonna repeat that Oftentimes in many children being raised It's one parent isn't giving love to the child or both parents aren't giving real love to the child and the child needs to Heal that or feel that but they're not feeling it. So as adults They choose people who are representative of one of their parents a lot of times women Choose men who are similar to their father who might have been emotionally Avoid it in the relationship and they're trying to get father's love or they choose women like their mother I know I was like that I would choose women that are much like my mother who were emotionally unavailable and I was chasing their love and Add to that. I'm an anxious attachment. So can you see how when we understand how we choose people when we understand How we choose people we can make better choices I've heard this phrase before over the years women have you know, have daddy issues daddy issues Well, that's a perfect example of understanding that if you have daddy or mommy issues I probably I guess I had mommy issues But that means is we're choosing people like one of our parents to try to get them to love us and When we begin to understand these Components rather than the gender the testosterone men need to go in the cave and that sort of thing or their brains are wired differently and women are multitaskers and men are hunters. Okay, those are great things to understand But that's not going to help you really understand why love doesn't happen in relationship Because it's most likely you're choosing people based on either your love attachment or your amago and Again, when you begin to really take this all in and understand how you make choices This is where it's time to hire someone like me And by the way, there's a link to a free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you To work with me to help you learn how to vet for emotional maturity to learn how to ask the better questions In the dating process. So if you are single you definitely want to schedule a call with me So you can learn how to ask better questions in the beginning So you cannot choose people like, you know, like I'm talking about here And you can definitely learn how to ask better questions very early on before you ever get too close to a person But most people don't ask the right questions because they're just focused on having fun Let's just have fun. You know what don't don't ask any don't interview someone on a date because that's a big turnoff Just have fun because men are chivalrous and they're going to claim you All you have to do is sit back in your feminine energy And it's all just gonna magically all work out because if you're friendly fit and fun and cooperative a man is naturally going to choose you Okay, this rhetoric is all great for about the first and first ten seconds of the beginning of a relationship What I'm talking about are the deeper issues that cause relationships to blow up I'm gonna repeat that the deeper issues that cause relationships to blow up And what I mean by blow up is if you have an anxious attachment style, you might push away and avoid it In fact, most avoidance run when they're with an anxious and Most avoidance choose anxious because they're afraid of love And they want that person to chase them for a second so they can run away And they're gonna repeat this pattern over and over and over again Just like they choose people like their parents over and over again You know what? Listen folks We all have this fantasy that relationships are just so easy and love will conquer all and it was so different in the past It was so different in the past Well part of the reason why it was different in the past is most relationships were based on dependency Women depended on men for financial needs or to take care of the cave And up until about the 1950s that was the predominant way relationships operated And then when women became able to take care of themselves and didn't need a man from a financial perspective Or even that protective perspective Everything went haywire because now you can make choices Based on what you want and not what someone else wants in a misogynistic patriarchal society that we lived in And because you get to make better choice you get to make your own choice on who you choose for a relationship this is caused a lot of friction because People that go on on dates and most people are strangers to you That's the other component here is because of the internet you're meeting total strangers You don't know if you share the same values You don't know if your lifestyles are plundable and you don't know if they're emotionally mature because they're complete Strangers to you. This is why learning how to vet is so hugely important And if you don't know how to vet it's going to mean you're going to repeat the patterns over and over and over again Getting back to the amago. This is what happens with many people It's the definition of insanity choosing the same type of man or woman over and over again and expecting different results And I just want to help you understand that this isn't about Biology, okay that men's testosterone levels drop and they need to go in the cave All right, that's good to understand some aspect of men, but women need to go to the cave too. All right when you understand the deeper when you Listen when you can understand the deeper aspects of relationship You can begin to Understand the behavior of a human being you then begin to make better choices in your life And this is all about making better choices and my hope is when you understand that love is Not as simple as men are from Mars and you understand this piece. You're going to be better prepared To attract a relationship with someone who is more secure because you've become secure when you become secure You'll attract people are secure and then you can come closer together Instead of the narrative is you're needy and then you're pushing this person away and the avoidant person picks a needy person Because they want to run away. Do you get this? I hope this is sinking in If you like my t-shirt post a comment if you like my cup post a comment if you like this content Please post a comment. I do my best to read all of them. I want to thank you for allowing me to To present this information to you and I hope it made a difference in your life All right, this is a great place to wrap up today if you're familiar with my work I always give my start up by giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love I've been a reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now