 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. L-A-V-L-V-S-I-G-U-N-A-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N... L-S-M-F-T Lucky Strike means Fine Tobacco. Listen, season after season, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by Fine, Ripe, Mel-A-Le-E. Tobacco that makes a swell smoke. James Monroe Ball, ace tobacco auctioneer, said that. Quality tobacco, fine tobacco with real flavor, smooth and mild. For myself, I picked Lucky's. Smoked them for 15 years. Herbert T. Highsmith, independent tobacco buyer, said that. Yes, at auction after auction, independent tobacco experts can see the makers of Lucky Strike. Consistently, select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Remember... LSMFT! Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Casting from San Francisco, the Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny. With Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Phil Harris' Orchestra, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, on last Tuesday night in Los Angeles, with bands playing and trumpets blaring, the star of our show bought it a special car on the lark. And on Wednesday morning, after a night of excitement and anticipation, finally arrived in San Francisco and was met at the station by a red cap. And here he is, Jack Benny! Thank you, thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking. And Don, you're absolutely right. Imagine, after the mayor, the Chamber of Commerce, and the newspaper men of San Francisco begged me to come up here. There was no one to meet me at the station but a red cap. I was so mad, I carried my own bag. And I'm going to stay mad until I get back on the train. Well, anyway, Jack, even though you didn't get a reception at the station, at least you had the honor of coming to San Francisco on a private car. Well, Don, it wasn't exactly a private car. It was more like a... Drawing room? Well, it wasn't exactly a drawing room. It was more like a... Compartment? What's a compartment? Well, a compartment has an upper and lower berth in it and a chair. A chair? No, this wasn't a compartment. Forget it. Forget about it, Don. By the way, how did you come up here? Oh, I came up on the TWA bus. The TWA bus? Don, the TWA is an airliner. It flies. Not when I'm on it. Now, I know what they mean by ceiling zero. Anyway, Don, we got here, so let... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Mary, I don't know what's come over me, but I've never seen you look so pretty before. Your complexion's so clear. Your cheeks so rosy. Have you got on your new makeup? No, you've got on your new glasses. Oh, yes, yes. And, Mary, I have these glasses made especially for San Francisco. Look at them. Well, I don't see anything different. Look closer. Well, I'll be darn windshield wipers. And yes, and not only that, wait, Mary, press the, press the little button on the bridge of my glasses. Why? Go ahead. Go ahead. Press the button. Okay. Holy smoke. Built-in fog lights. Yes, sir. There's nothing like... Mary, what are you sticking your finger in my ear for? I'm checking your gas and oil. Mary, don't be silly. By the way, where are you living here in town? At the Sir Francis Drake. Where are you? I'm at the Fairmont Hotel on the top of Knob Hill. How do you get there, Jack, by cable car? No, no. You ought to ride them sometime. Mary, if I want to get to the top of Knob Hill, I'll get there. Yeah, but what you won't do to save a dime? What do you mean, Mary? Well, yesterday I saw Jack going up Powell Street with spiked shoes, a rope and a pick. Well, I made it, didn't I? Yes, but when you got to the top of the hill, you didn't have to yodel. Look, I wasn't yodeling. Then how come you got fan mail from three goats in Berkeley? Because they got fountain pens that right under milk. I can go along with a gag, you know. Honestly, Jack, every time you come to San Francisco, you have more trouble. What are you laughing at, Mary? Well, yesterday we were taking a drive to Oakland. You mean over the bay bridge? Yes. When we got to the toll gate, I reached over to pay the man, and before I knew it, Jack flew out of the car, jumped into the bay, climbed up back on the bridge, handed the man the quarter and said, Butterfingers. Yeah. And Jack, you want to know something? What? That man told me he dropped it on purpose. He knew you would jump in after it. Dropped it on purpose, eh? Well, it wasn't a wasted trip, sister. We're having barracuda for dinner. What world did you catch a barracuda? I didn't catch him. He followed me out with my new glasses. I look like a mackerel. Now, let's get on with the... Come in. Mr. Benny. Yes? I work in a San Francisco post office, and we have thousands and thousands of letter that say, I can't stand Jack Benny. Huh? Oh, oh, well, those must have been sent in for the contest I had last year. They were sent this year and have nothing to do with the contest. Well, I'll pick them up before I leave San Francisco. I wish you'd hurry. One of them is ticking. Well, you can forward that one to Fred Allen. That's who it came from. I'll come to the post office in the morning and pick them up. And it's for you, Mr... Mr... Jones. What? Jones. Jones? J-O-N-E-S? Yeah. Well, I want to shake your hand, Mr. Jones. I really do. Jack, what are you so excited about? Who is he? I don't know, but he's the first guy I've met in San Francisco. His name isn't DiMaggio. That's my first name. All right, get out of here. I had a fall for a thing like that. Well, Jack, it's just as I told you, every time you come to San Francisco, you have trouble. Mary, I don't have any trouble. People love me here. You should have seen the crowd that turned out for the newspaper men's frolic last night. And Jack, didn't you and Bob Hope do an act together on the Damon Runyon Memorial Fund benefit last Thursday? Yes, we did, Don. In fact, I was one of the masters of ceremonies and I introduced Bob. Gee, I like Hope. He's so glib, but he talks so fast. You're telling me. When I introduced him, I said, ladies and gentlemen, this is Bob Hope. And between Bob and Hope, he told 12 jokes, sang two choruses of Thanks for the Memory, and made a new picture called The Road to Tanforan. You know, he'd be a great comedian if he could only play the violin. Mary, stop looking at me like that. If I'd had a good lunch, I'd punch you right in the nose. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What? Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. I haven't had a chance to talk to you since you got in town. Where are you living here? Oh, I've got a wonderful suite with 16 bathrooms. A suite with 16 bathrooms? Where? In the basement of the Fairmont Hotel. Oh, well, are you comfortable there? Yes, but I can never get to sleep. Why not? All night long, a man with a whisk room keeps brushing me off. Oh. Too bad, Dennis. There was such a good line, too. And you know what, Mr. Benny? Going without sleep has made me lose an awful lot of weight. What do you mean, kid? Well, this morning, I weighed myself four times, and the arrow always pointed to zero. What? I don't weigh anything. No, there's something wrong, Dennis. Maybe after you put in your penny, you wiggle around too much when you stand on the scale. Oh, stand on it. Yes, yes, you have to stand on it. Now, come on, Dennis. Everybody's here to anxious to hear you sing, so let's have your song. Okay. Oh, Mr. Benny, you know, when I put my penny in the weighing machine, a card came out with my picture on it. Your picture? Yeah, and guess who I look like? Who? Betty Gravel. What? I can't understand what Harry James sees in me. I can't either. Go ahead and sing. Will you, kid? Nice and curvy and the women are the same. Where, cowboys, are you? Since it started social climbing, how they've changed the glory. Our farm is now a dude ranch, and there's carpet on the trails. The cowboys wear trucks. And Cheyenne claims he's honest as the sun. He worked six years in a bathhouse, and he never took a one. The sheriff finally got a man, no more will uncle Rome. They called him one, cause they're the sheriff. Go by Dennis Day, who lives in Los Angeles and was born in New York. And now... Gee, what a trip just to sing a song. Yes, yes, a trip. Say Dennis. Dennis, we looked for you on the train. Why didn't you come up with us from Los Angeles? Well, I had to wait a couple of days because my mother and father wanted to come. I thought I'd treat them to a little vacation. Oh, drive up in your car? No, we took the night train. Mother slept on the lower berth, and my father and I shared the upper. You and your father in an upper berth? That must have been awful. Well, we wouldn't have minded that so much, but our dog wouldn't get off the pillow. Oh, your dog was in there too? Yeah, she sure picked a fine time to have pups. Well, it's your own fault, Dennis. Why in the world did you bring your dog to San Francisco? Oh, I hated a lever at a time like that. Oh. Well, it was nice of you to be so considerate, and congratulations, by the way. And now, kids, if you'll all sit down and be quiet, I got a surprise for you. Ladies and gentlemen, we have as our guest star tonight a very fine actress who, because of her great performance on the screen, was recently nominated for the Academy Award. Here she is, Miss Jane Wyman. Very nice of you to say that. Well, I meant it, Janie. I thought you gave a sterling performance in the yearling. That's yearling. Oh, yes, yes. I thought you gave a sterling performance in the yearling. I mean, sterling. Well, Janie, it must have been a great personal satisfaction for you being nominated for the Academy Award. Oh, it was, Jack. I was never so excited in my life. Well, Janie, Janie, how did you feel about Olivia DeHavilland winning the Oscar? Well, Jack, I thought she deserved it. I think Olivia gave the finest performance of the year. Well, I know, but weren't you even a teensy, weensy, but jealous when somebody else got the Oscar? No, not at all. Gee, that's funny. When Frederick March won it, I could have spit right in his eye. I was furious. But Jack, you had no right to be jealous of Frederick March. You didn't even make a picture last year. I know, but I made one three years ago and people still remember it. There's an answer to that, but I think my mother might be listening. I see what you mean. At least, Janie, you were nominated and there's always another chance. Who do you think will be nominated next year? Tom Dewey. Oh, go feed your pups. Janie, you may not know this, but next year I'm going to make a picture that will be so sensational. Hello, Janie, how are you? Why, Mary, it's good to see you again. You look wonderful. Now, in this picture, I play the part... Janie isn't San Francisco an exciting town. It certainly is, Mary, and the shops have so many new fashions. In this picture, I play the part... Did you see the new spring clothes they're showing here? See them? I've already bought two of the darlingest suits at Mason Mendesauce. In this picture... You know, I got a dream of an evening-gonnaught magnet. It's chartreuse, and the bodice is covered with sequins. In this picture, I play the part of a chartreuse, and they're... I mean, there's a scene where I... Mary, you know, they have the most gorgeous things in the lingerie shop at Ruth's Brothers. Real two-way stretches and everything. Now, look, girl. And I picked up some of the cutest hats at Rance House 2. Oh, and you should see the suede alligator shoes I got at O'Connor and Moffat. Wait a minute. And, you know, they have silk two-piece bathing suits that are strapless and backwards. Now, in this picture, I... What'd you say about strapless bathing suits? Nothing. And you should be ashamed of yourself talking about your own pictures when you have a star like Jane Wyman. Well, I congratulated her, Mary. I told her she was wonderful in the yearling. Didn't I, Janie? Yes, you did. And the technical and scenery in the picture were the most gorgeous I've ever seen. Where did they shoot the picture in Hollywood? No, it was filmed in... You should excuse the expression, Florida. Oh, oh. Well, you certainly gave a great performance. And I also think that Gregory Peck should have won something for running around on all fours and jumping over logs and leaping over fences. Jack, that was the deer. Oh, oh, oh. Well, I thought he was kind of cute, too, but... No, no. Gregory Peck was the man with the straw hat. Oh, well, I saw the picture before I got my new glasses, you see. I sat so far back the third row, too. Janie, I haven't had a chance to see the picture yet. What was the story about? Well, Gregory Peck and I were running a little farm, and we were face-to-face with poverty. We'd worked 18 to 20 hours a day and year after year of backbreaking labor, and we didn't have a penny to show for our toil. Gee, I wonder where they got an idea like that. Rochester gave it to them. Imagine them selling his diary, isn't it? Uh, what were some of the things you and Gregory Peck raised on the farm? Well, there were potatoes, yams, cotton, and our best crop was tobacco. Well, it took a long time, but you finally got around to me. Oh, you're Don Wilson, aren't you? Yes, ma'am. Don Wilson in the flab. Look, Don, we were just discussing, Jane, what are you staring at Don like that for? Now, I thought San Francisco had a bay. Wyman, you're only a guest but you're just as corny as they are. Yeah. Well, Miss Wyman, I saw the yearling and I was very impressed, but there's one scene that I'd like to ask you about. What is it, Mr. Wilson? In that heartbreaking scene when your son ran away from home and with tears in your eyes, you were running through the fields looking for him. Yes. Now, the tobacco you raised in that field, was it that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco? Yes, sir, you bet. Why, sure. And they dared give the award to another picture? Don, they gave it to the best smokes of our lives, if that will make you happier, you know? And I've been smoking lucky strikes now under 25 yearlings. Good, good. Every morning, Gregory would go out and peck that fine tobacco. Say, that's wonderful. Then again, if it's not Tom Dewey, it might be Governor Warren. What? And when Gregory pecked that fine tobacco, it was made into lucky strikes that are so round, so firm, so fully packed. So free and easy on the draw. Don, Don. Mr. Wilson, Nob Hill. You got in your commercial, it's time for a band number. Come on, let's dance, everybody. Played by Phil Harris' Orxter and directed by Mr. Maylon Merrick. That is your name, isn't it? Yes, sir. Well, Mr. Merrick, it was nice of you to fill in for Mr. Harris since he couldn't be with us today. And I want to tell you that I've never heard Phil Harris' band sound so good. How long have you studied music? One week. Well, what made you decide so recently that you wanted to lead an orchestra? Well, I'm a conductor on a cable car and I don't know how long they're going to last. Thanks again for helping us out, Mr.... What was that name again? Merrick. Maylon D. Merrick. Now, what's the D for? DiMaggio. I should have known, huh? Why couldn't Phil come up here with us? Phil, well, you see, Mary, Phil has his own program for a fit shampoo, which follows my show. And when I go out of town and Phil has to choose between the two programs, naturally, he'd choose the one with the bottles. But, um, he'll be with us next week. You know, Jack, I'm sorry Phil Harris isn't here today. I think he's awfully cute. Do you, Janie? There's one thing I can understand. What do women see in Phil Harris? Oh, I don't know. He's handsome and impetuous and he has sex appeal. Well, don't you think I have sex appeal? Well, in a gay nighty sort of way. Now, wait a minute, Janie. How can you say that? You've never even kissed me. Come on, give me a kiss. Right here in front of everybody? I certainly. Come on, Janie, kiss me. Well, all right. There. Well, maybe he's not as old as I thought he was. Look at the sparkle in his eyes. Don't get excited. Those are fog lights. Mary. If it's not Governor Warren, it might be Herbert Hoover. Don't you read the papers? Oh, quiet. Jack hasn't read anything since Monday except Newsweek because his picture's on the cover. You said it. And if I do say so myself, I look pretty good. Go on. I sent out laundry that looked better than that. Mary, you're just jealous because Newsweek magazine didn't put your... Come in. Hello, Mr. Bennie. Pardon the intrusion. Well, Mr. Kitzel. Mr. Kitzel, what are you doing here in San Francisco? I'm visiting my relatives. Oh, you have relatives here? Yes, my brother owns a hotel. Here in town? What's the name of it? Sir Francis Kitzel. Sir Francis Kitzel? Yes, yes. And I have an uncle who's got a restaurant in Chinatown. A restaurant in Chinatown? What's the name of it? Ling Ting Fui. Fui? You should eat there sometime. Well, maybe we'll go over after the show tonight. Does he serve a Yacameen, Charmaine, and Chapsui? With a noodle in the middle and a herring on top. Oh. He also serves corned beef and cabbage. Your uncle serves corned beef and cabbage? That's an Irish dish. He's very friendly. Oh, well, Mr. Kitzel, it's nice that you have so many relatives here. Oh, yes, and I also got a cousin on Fisherman's Wharf. What's his name? Himagyo. Well, look, which one of the Demagyos is your cousin? Joe Vincent or Dominique? Morris. You know, he plays baseball with the San Francisco Scholar Meals. Well, Mr. Kitzel, it was certainly nice to see you again. Well, as they say at 10 for him, mutual. Yes, sir. I got to be running along now. Oh, just a minute. Before you go, I want you to meet our guest star, Miss Jane Wyman. Hello, Mr. Kitzel. Why, Mr. Kitzel, you're a regular wolf. Thank you. Well, goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye. Oh, Miss Wyman. Yes. Dreshto, nado, five, six. Goodbye, everybody. Hey, isn't he a cute guy, Janey? Well, Janey, we certainly had an exciting week up here, didn't we? We certainly did, Jack. And I want to thank you very much for being on my program and also for appearing at the newspaper frolics last night. Always lots of fun, and I always enjoy coming to San Francisco. Me too. Herbert Hoover lives in Palo Alto. I know, I know. Dennis, why don't you pay attention to what we're... Pardon me. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Who is this? Your favorite brunette. Rochester, where are you? I'm in Sausalito. What are you doing there? Nothing. Nothing? That's the main industry here. Oh, you mean things are kind of quiet over there? Now, wait a minute, Rochester. I didn't give you permission to go over there. I know, boss, but I had a couple of spare hours on my hands. Uh-huh. And I was, well, kind of lonesome. Yeah. And then I remembered I knew a girl over here. Yeah. And it's spring now, boss. Spring. All right, so what happened? The main industry, nothing. Well, look, Rochester, were there any calls or messages for me at the hotel? A few, boss. What were they? Well, the hotel barber came up to the room about 10 minutes after you left. The barber? Yeah, I got a shave and you got a haircut. Rochester, how could he give me a haircut when I wasn't even... Oh, oh, oh. I hope it was the blonde one. I want to wear it tonight. See you later, Rochester. So long, boss. So long. Oh, say boss. Now what? My girl and I have been listening to the program. What'd you think of it? Are you sure you've got a contract for the next three years? Yes. Lovely, lovely. Never mind, goodbye. Goodbye. I guess you can't fool all of the people all of the time. Playboy. Ladies and gentlemen, the 1947 Easter seal campaign is on. Cripple children can become useful citizens if we give them the help they need while they are young and growing, such as clinical care, schooling, camping, vocational guidance, and finally a job. We can help them best by buying our share of Easter seals today. Thank you. Jack, we'll be back in just a minute, but first here is Basil Rivesdale. As you listen to the chant of the Tobacco auctioneer, remember, L, S, M, F, T. Alexander. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco and in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts. Here are the words of a man who's had a lifetime of tobacco experience. Mr. Charles L. Saunders, an independent tobacco buyer of Reedsville, North Carolina. So said I've seen thousands and thousands of baskets of ripe mild tobacco sold to the makers of Lucky Strike. Tobacco that's really fine. So for grand smoke, I picked Lucky's. Smoked them for 21 years. Independent tobacco experts like Mr. Saunders speak from their own experience. For they can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Real Lucky Strike tobacco. Yes. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. First, last, always. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco. Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank everybody here in San Francisco for being so nice to us. Also, Janie Wyman, who appeared on the program for the courtesy of Warner Brothers, who are the producers of that new picture, Cheyenne. Be sure to listen in next Sunday when we will have as our guests Mr. Samuel Goldwyn and Hogey Carmichael. What about Herbert Hoover? Dennis, the nightclub. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.