 So, it's World Mental Health Day. Of all the things I would like to see trending, that was not one of them. A little unfortunate, but not surprising that that's the case. But as you guys know, I had been in therapy for a while now, about five months ago. Is that right? Yeah, about five months ago that it started. And it's been good, making some important progress. A lot of progress, especially recently, especially the last two weeks. I'll say it real quick before I get into what I want to actually do in this video. Just so you understand where I'm coming from and where I'm at right now. I've been, I mentioned this a little bit, but I've been gaslit to the point that doubt, my own experience, has doubted some incredibly significant things that had happened to me. Which we will wind up getting into as this goes on. For an example, doubting when I was 15, I was molested. And I doubted that even happened. And you shouldn't be doubting something like that. But when people say, why did you come forward? Well, you try to come forward and people gaslight you even more, convince you that it didn't, you misunderstood it. So one of the big, one of the big battles has been getting past that. No, as I remember things does actually largely check out. And that initial interpretations of things is often valid. So as that sets in and you start to look back over the things that had happened, you start to make a lot of progress very quickly. Start to realize a lot of things that like, holy shit. Since I do remember that right and the implications of that, it's been exhausting, but the good kind of exhausting. I kind of liken it to like when you're doing physical exercise, you build up a little bit of lactic acid. Not so much that you're like horribly sore and can barely move the next day. That means you overdid it. That's not good physical exercise. Don't fucking do that. But a little bit of soreness means you worked just enough for that to start to set in. You just pushed your limit a little bit. That's good. That's what you want. And I liken my mental state largely to being like that. It's a little exhausting as much as I would like to be working right now. Just considering how quite a few things have been going recently. And there have been mentions of that for a while now. It's like two years ago was the first time in my life I'd ever been fired, which is surprising when you've got phenomenally good performance reviews repeatedly and the amount of times you're spending in jobs is considerably dwindling. In the time you were spending longer in each job than any of your peers. And now it's way shorter. Some things off, something, something's off. Apparently sort of a combination of two things. One my mental state being a bit fragile right now. It's probably not for the best for me to be working, especially since there seems to be a particular thing I'm doing that then winds up not causing the problems, but almost inviting the problems if that makes sense. That's another thing we'll get into though eventually. But I what I want to do is because I know this was a very hard thing for me to recognize myself. And the bizarre thing. This has been mentioned a few times too, but just to get it out of the way real quick. I actually have a psych background, more of a psych background, a programming background or really anything else. That's what I went to college for. In fact, I had started taking psych collegiate classes in 16th grade, 16th, 16th grade. Holy, when I was 16. When I was 16, I started taking collegiate psych classes. So I'm not talking advanced placement or that kind of thing. The college credit equivalent, I mean it was at St. Lawrence University. I still have the certificate from the first course that I completed. And then I'd wound up taking a few more before I'd even graduated high school. I still have the first certificate for that if anybody wants to question me. And that is something I do that should be alarming to more people. It's immediately assuming people are going to question me about things. Call me out about things. They never really do. But that's immediately where my mind goes. It's good that I'm recognizing that though. That's not okay. If you've got a friend that does that and they're not aware of that, like, that's not okay. But I have a background in these things. And I wound up not finishing college. Two classes away from my bachelor's degree. Well, I finished in dissociates. But that's still undergraduate. You're not really considered a proper graduate at that point. So that's why I say I hadn't really finished. I should go back and finish that, especially since it's only two classes. I don't know if things have changed enough that maybe some of the credits don't apply anymore, but I should finish that. So I got to stop delaying this. This is uncomfortable. Part of me doesn't want to do this. Part of me knows that I should. But it's for the best. It helps take the things and make them more concrete. But I also, it's the last thing I promise. I promise, but this is highly relevant. Aren't they all? There's different names for it and all types of different things. The rescuer, the helpful parent, the knight in shining armor. We got to stop romanticizing that. It's actually highly problematic behavior. Really problematic behavior. We will cover that, but it's not. It's not good to be those things. And unfortunately, people don't call it out because they sound like super good things. There's all these people who are in need of help and it's not enough people to help them. So you're doing such a good thing by being so helpful. You're such a good person. Right? I wish it were that simple. Psychology has known for almost 60 years now that there is something incredibly fucked up going on there. Actually, what I want to do with these videos isn't just further cement these facts about what happened and what we know about them, what we understand about them in my own mind, but also I'll bother people who are similar to me, recognize. Because I know there are all these rationalization traps, like the romanticization of the light night, that make it so goddamn easy to stay stuck in something that you really shouldn't. But I want to take a little bit different approach to this. And it does mean I'm going to have to chunk these videos up considerably more than other people who covered this kind of topic. There's a good way of avoiding how personal this can really be by talking about it in the cold and detached sense, talk about the academics behind it. Here is what this disorder is called and here is what we know about it. How did I learn so much about psych and not make the connections, not notice that holy fuck that describes me. Exactly. That's because of how cold and detached it is. Now that's a necessary thing when you're dealing with abstractions, when you're not talking about individuals, but you are talking about the common threads between them. That is the appropriate language and tonality to use in college, in academia. But I'm not trying to educate people about what these things are. I want to try to open up the eyes of people who are like me, are like me. There's a process to change, but you're not going to do that by being cold and detached. Rather, what needs to be done is very directly, which means I don't get that emotional detachment. And while I've got all sorts of defense mechanisms in place to keep myself from feeling my own emotions, that's one of the rationalization traps. I'm really good at feeling other people's emotions, but my, well, the techniques don't really apply here. One of the things that is understood about this, part of transactional analysis, a specific thing called the drama triangle, which I will explain and I will have references to. The position in which you enter the drama triangle is very important in understanding how to get out of it. How you move around inside of that once the game starts doesn't really matter. You address it by preventing the person from getting into it in the first place and stems from addressing how they entered the drama triangle. One of the roles of the drama triangle is the rescuer, me. And you deal with that by turning the rescuer into a teacher also why these videos are highly relevant. And something we will get into is that I've been trying to help people for a while. And I did wind up actually learning to some extent that teaching is a good way of fulfilling that. Didn't really make the connection that that's a good way to break the cycle, but it did become increasingly apparent that that's actually a good way of satisfying that itch. And it's not causing these problems. This is a continuation of that. Makes the most sense to get into this. Keep fucking delaying this. Look how this all kind of started. Not recognizing this, but how I started. I was a child of some pretty fucked up shit. Now the quickest side is I got adopted. My mother recognized the fucked up shit. But didn't think that she would be an unequiparent because see a common rationalization is that oh well I see that these things are bad and I wouldn't. Actually we do a whole lot of fucking time. It's normal and expected that you repeat the patterns of abuse that were done to you. And it's actually really hard to break that cycle. Now my mother got pregnant at 18. I'm only finally starting to process this at 30. What do we think she understood at 18? Or was she 17? Either way, way younger than I am. If I'm only processing this now it's very unlikely that she would have processed it and really recovered from it. No, no, no, no. Ultimately though, her and I went through some different shit, both not through shit. My biological family is trailer trash. There's really no other way of putting it. The stereotype about trailer trash, they are. And I'm not saying that all trailer trash, all fuck. I'm not saying that everybody that lives in a trailer is trailer trash. I actually know a pretty well respected engineer who lives in a trailer because, I mean it's a nice double light, a nice double light. But he lives in a trailer. She doesn't, it's fine for her. I mean no, the stereotype about trailer trash, that's my fucking thing. Find out that two of your cousins were raped by the same uncle and the grandfather. Yup, you know that, it sounds like trailer trash. Drug problems and other fucking shit. Apparently parts of the family have been rising up out of that. There's that fucked up shit. So those adopted very young age. There's a lot of ambiguities in my records that should not be there, but it seems like the most accurate one was that I was adopted at three days old. So make sure everything's fine in the hospital and boop, off I go. That kind of seems a little rushed or harsh. That's actually makes it immensely easier on the mother because it takes away that time to bond. Because if you let that bonding happen and then take the child away, that actually winds up causing a lot more fucking problems. And you don't need to be causing problems, especially in somebody who's already both mentally and physically fragile. A lot of issues with my mother aside from mental stuff. But yeah, so those adopted. It's hard knowing what exactly had happened. What exactly the relationships between my parents and me, pre four years old is, because you don't really have a functioning memory. I know some people like to say that they remember things from before they were four years old, but look into why the whole repressed memory theory is not accepted psychological theory anymore. You can implant memories of people. It's not always a malicious thing. Sometimes just storytelling, innocent storytelling. Those things probably happened, but the memories are because of the stories your family kept telling. And not because of you remembering it. That has been extensively proven. We know you are not remembering those things. Now exactly when that starts to set in, it's obviously variable. It could be two years old instead of a typical four. But you're not remembering things from like when you're one years old. That's a damn shame because there's some important things I would want to know. I can make some assumptions based on some things my parents said. And if you're, this is why I'm doing this. If your parents have said these kinds of things, it doesn't. These don't sound bad. There doesn't seem to be anything off about these. That's the pattern. There is. I will do my best to find the sources for these. Unfortunately, some of this is based on knowledge that I just already had. But I will do my best to find the evidence to back this up and put the sources down in the video description like I normally do. You guys know that I'm good about tracking that shit down. Um, I was such an easy child. Didn't really have to do much with me. If you had a lot of stuff to do around the house, you could just stick me in this automated rocker and turn it on. And it would go and I would fall asleep and I would stay nice and quiet. I didn't need much attention. God, I wish I had that for a child. But we, that's actually a really, really fucking bad sign. Strokes, as they are called, form the basis of transactions between people. They're socialization. Each stroke is an individual unit of that socialization. And you can break those down into different types of strokes. You've got social strokes like, hi, how's it going? Another person goes, hi, how have you been? You just exchange to social strokes. That's not the only kind of stroke. Physical strokes. Physical affection, physical touch is incredibly important. So important that it is known and confirmed if a child does not get adequate physical affection, especially in the first few months of their life. There is neurological atrophy in some very predictable areas, typically around the brain stem and vagus nerve, or cranial nerve 10, if you use that system. These are very important neurological structures. Obviously the brain stem, the connection between the brain and the entire rest of the body, you don't have to understand what its function is to know damn well that that's the interface. That is clearly going to be important. The vagus nerve is a complicated one, but there's a lot of, there's a lot you can kind of think of it as just after the spinal cord being the cranial nerves are the next biggest thing. Everything goes from the brain stem through the spinal cord and then out. Increasingly smaller branches after that. But this being a big one, so a lot of, there are issues with that. There are going to be a lot of issues throughout the body overall. So inadequate physical touch, especially early on, can cause neurological atrophy, can cause neurological damage to a child. Believe it or not, this can be so profound that some, not all, I am not saying that all of these cases have been implicated, but some, a sizable portion, but not all of Sid's deaths can actually be confirmed to be an inadequate physical affection, that it was bad enough that the child just died. So this is a considerably important thing. You understand the gravity that is such an easy child. He just sit him in the rocker and go do other things around the house. You see why that's actually very alarming. Some memories from Pre-K, memories from kindergarten, first and second grade start remembering more, third and fourth grade start remembering almost all of it, which is unusual and we will get to that time. It's kind of a problem for me. I can remember tons of stuff, incredibly vivid detail, but time, something I should have known, but I'm trying to keep this in chronological order, but it's, I think that's going to be a little too difficult. So around, around this point for a second, third grade was apparently very important that I learned to ride a bike and then on to skateboard spreading at the time. I want to learn skateboard. Now let me tell you right now, I learned to skateboard. I got a trick deck and a longboard and I used them to get around college. I haven't been on a bike since I was like 14, 15. I learned to ride that fucking skateboard, but I am a 90s kid. Again, skateboards were the end thing. You know, it was important that I learned to ride a bike, bringing up that I wanted to learn to skateboard. I don't want to learn to ride a bike. I want to learn to ride a skateboard. I don't want to learn to skateboard. My mother looking at me and disgust and my father just becoming incredibly infuriated would drag me outside by my hair through me in front of the skate, in front of the, in front of the bike and basically just screamed at me about how he wasn't going to have some degenerate son who was some fucking punk who was going to do that. I was going to learn to ride a bike that I would appreciate him teaching me to ride a bike. But I was just an ungrateful little shit. When I was older, I would, I would understand. No, no, I don't understand that. I don't understand that at all. And I can also tell you that for getting around college campus, skateboard was the better option. If you want to get around the city, bike would actually be a good idea. But like a college campus, skateboards actually worth knowing. It's a really good way to get around. Everything is a tool with a purpose. I keep saying that and it keeps coming up. It's not just programming languages. Everything is a tool with a purpose to live in a city. Even when I did, you know, I was in Atlanta. Oh, yeah. It was a public within walking distance. I would walk there and fucking sweating through my pants by the time I got there. 15 minute walk. Already got sweat stains on my ass because it's so fucking hot in that city. It's relevant at this point, but I didn't really understand what I do now. There always seemed to be a lot of anxiety or something related to school. I didn't understand that. I really didn't like school. I always wanted to go back home. Looking back on it, that's really fucking weird, but I always wanted to go back home. Bad things didn't really happen to me at school though. That's what's weird. See, I learned, I learned in second grade. And if I don't have straight A's, I would get yelled at. I would get told I'm fucking stupid and incompetent. And I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm ashamed on the family. I would get grounded until the next report card came out several weeks. I don't remember exactly how long that was, but it was a while. Kids talking about getting grounded for a week. It was like two months. That's why I thought school was the issue. I thought that's when you're a child, you look at your parents for your sense of self. A sense of self. That sense of self is the beginning. Done that I don't understand things. That I'm ashamed on the family. Understand the good that they're doing for me. That I don't understand. I'll appreciate the things that they're doing for me. I mean, honestly, I still don't. The things that you did were actually fucked up. It's another thing that happens though too when you're a kid. You look to your parents for how you're supposed to act. You model their behavior. Especially when you're young enough. This is straight up parroting what they do, you do back. And that's how you learn to speak. That's how you learn to walk. That's how you learn basically everything. Quite literal monkey see monkey do kind of thing. You end up developing some cognitive faculties. And you end up trying to apply the things that they do. And so even just from what I've explained, is it any surprise that there's the teachers and whatnot reporting that he's socializing odd. He's not socializing like other kids. You know, what did I have to model off? But of course, I'm dumb. I don't understand things. I don't understand socialization. I don't understand what other kids are doing. I don't understand how to read behavior. Social cues. It's obviously that. It couldn't possibly be that. I'm just a kid repeating what my parents did. That was the start of something that wound up becoming a lot more systematic, a lot more profound. Other people chiming in saying the same thing that my parents did. Understanding the things that are going on. It's me. It has to be me. And despite this, I was still making what had happened a lot. And I think what had happened a lot was my parents were trying to push me to be friends with certain other people. And they were kids who had similarly prestigious families. No, I really don't think I've explained it on this channel at all. And I definitely did not explain it in this video. So another quick aside because this is actually pretty relevant information. My adoptive parents, far from trail to trash. My father did kind of come from nothing. He exaggerates how bad it was. But what my grandfather says, his father largely checks out. His father, poor shit, built up enough to get it so that my dad could build up even more. But that exaggerates the situation. My grandpa even admit that. So he's a Native American, American Indian, American Aboriginal, whatever. Language you want to use for that. They don't even all agree themselves. Specifically though. He's Mohawk or Guanyangahaka, a little bit of a flint. I don't know if he was the first doctor for this tribe. First Mohawk doctor of this tribe. But built up a name for himself. Built up a prestige. They'd gone to Harvard University for undergrad and graduated from Tufts Medical School. Absolutely excellent schools. Got on at least one hospital's medical board. So a relatively important man, especially when you consider that his father grew up a piss poor farmer on a reservation, which horribly piss poor. This is one of the reservations that doesn't really have a bunch of casinos. So that's very piss poor. My mother. Her mother still had the Carlisle name. That's in John Griffith Carlisle. The former Speaker of the House and Secretary of Treasury. Mothers side of the family. It's very politically involved, even still. Very prestigious, powerful family. Thought it was a great opportunity. I can't fault her. She wouldn't have known things to watch out for. She would have known the reasons for concern. She meant, well, she was wrong. But she meant wrong and who to pick. The giving me up for adoption was definitely justified. She almost certainly would have. To an extent, did. We'll get to that. Repeat the patterns of abuse. But rather notable. The hell was they even going on that? Why would I need it to explain that? Because it's starting to hurt my head too. So we should wrap this up. What was I going? Where was I going with that? Well, I have no idea. I don't remember where I was going with that. It will be relevant. It will be relevant several times. Because when I started to rebel, when I started to try to let people know some things that were going on, some important things that were going on. Actually, I do know one thing that I can finish this up with. So because it had kind of been leaning up to this. When I was 10 or 11, around the age where the child starts to develop a sense of self, starts to explore things on their own, become a little defiant. Well, you start to see that around 8, sets in, becomes noticeable of 10. If you ask most parents, they'll say it typically 9 or 10, even though you see evidence of it around 8. I'm not a teenager yet. Probably 10. I got my facial hair early, closer to 10. It's the first time I had a kid, you don't understand subtlety. Question, question, my father. I don't think you love me. And the response is, definitely did not. Terrified the little child I was enough to go right back into compliance. I get kicked down the stairs and everybody, he is a good man. But no, no, I know what happened. You try to bring it up to school and when you get punished for it, not just doubt, you get put in suspension. You need to learn to behave. I remember there being bruises. I remember there nobody even bothering to look. If you look and there are no bruises, then I'm not going to say the child is definitely acting out. There are ways to hit people, not have bruises for them. If you look and there are bruises, maybe they're saying that instead of what actually happened. Something happened. Remember there being bruises, 23 and 24. They owe the world to explain it in future videos what had led up to this. But I was getting looked at a lot for heart problems. Dismissed as other things for the longest time. Or ultimately, heart problems. A congenital heart defect called walk parkins and whites syndrome. There's an extra nerve called the bundle of Kent which causes abnormalities in how the heart contracts. You can easily have it and not notice it for the longest time. Despite how serious it seems and it should get, their signs of it should get attested and treated. But congenital heart defects are actually the most common type of birth defect. It's very common to have something wrong with your heart and to wind up being fine. There's a reason to a test. Test is holy shit. Are these things easy to treat at this point? Because one of the first things you might have been doing is not the test that you're supposed to do to determine what park is in white, but one that's responsible nonetheless is an x-ray. Radiologist makes a passing statement to me. So what's the story on that? No, no, no, what? You're in, what, like some kind of accident or something? What's the story? Yeah, I've never broken a bone in my body. He goes, buddy, you've broken several ribs. Ever broken a bone in my body? It took a while. It took a while for the connection to be made. Four months later. Yeah, let people convince me that that didn't happen. I must be dumb. Not understand social interaction. I don't pick up on those social cues. Something wrong. I'll pick this up another time. I need to do something else. If you're noticing some similarities, please keep watching these.