 So this is the fourth time I tried recording this video and I can't seem to do it without breaking down so this time instead of reading a script, I'm just going to speak from my heart and try my best to get it all out without breaking down and if I do, I'm sorry. I'm 25 years old with no friends, no social life, no job. Has it always been like this? Not at all. When I was a kid, I was the kid that everyone wanted to be friends with. I'd go outside and everybody came outside. I pretty much was friends with everybody. You know, I felt alive, I felt happy at peace. Of course everyone is when they're a kid that's living like a kid. Fortunately, I had a pretty good childhood but as everyone's story usually changes, high school came. This school started and I noticed I was an outcast. I wasn't like any of these kids. Even though these kids came from different areas in life, they came from different middle schools, different elementary schools, was there something that they were taught that I wasn't? Were these people raised differently because I don't have this confidence. I don't have these interests. I'm not that much of a sports player, I love video games. I'm so different from all of these people. And because I was so different, I really didn't have friends in high school. And if I did have friends, if you want to categorize me in high school as people like to do, I was with the nerds. As we all know, high school is four years long. You have freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year. Every year I felt like I was slipping away more and more into this abyss of depression, social anxiety. But when I was in high school, these things didn't really have a name. No one really said they were depressed or they had social anxiety. It wasn't put on notice as much as it is nowadays. It was more of you're just in a high school, you're just a teenager, you're going through emotions, your body's changing. It was just seen as normal. The reason I was so anxious, so depressed was because everyone was thinking about their next move. Everyone's thinking what college they're going through, their future job, the career they want, and I had no idea what I was doing the next day. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Everyone was doing interviews with college professors that came to the school and all I was thinking about was which game I'm going to play when I get home. So I graduated high school and I realized, wow, I'm a failure. I don't have a college picked out. I don't have any friends. What do I do now? This is when I was at the lowest point in my life. This is when I went on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and I saw all of these people I went to school with in college chasing their dreams. Some of them have families of their own now. They're partying. They're friends. They're having a time of their life as you're supposed to do when you're in your early 20s or you're in your upper teens. Meanwhile, I didn't have any of this. I was still lost. All of these people are living their lives having fun looking to the future and I'm literally in my room crying my eyes out every night wondering why I can't push myself to be like these people. If we're all human beings, we're all made from whatever is up there, however we came here, why am I so different from the rest? Why can't I just be like that? Why can't I just have fun? Why can't I just have friends and go to school and live a normal life like everybody else? So that's when I started looking for a job. I figured I'm not going to school. All I'm doing is sitting at home crying, playing video games, watching everyone live their lives. How about I get a job and see where we go from there? Maybe I could pay for college. Maybe I could solve all my problems with money. I have had more than 150 jobs in my life and that's not an exaggeration if anything that's an understatement because you can name a place I've probably worked there and every single job had something in common. I never showed up. One or two of them I worked for maybe a week and then left. This is when I completely hit rock bottom because I realized there's something wrong with me mentally. I learned that I have social anxiety, severe social anxiety. I would show up to this job, sit outside of my car, an hour before I was supposed to go into the job, cry my eyes out, vomiting outside the car, scared out of my mind. What if I do something wrong? I'm too stupid to learn this job. What if this person asks me something and I don't know the answer to it? I have to meet people there. What do I say to them? What if they don't like me? What if I do this wrong? What if my life was what if? And then the moment would come when I was supposed to start work. The clock hit, let's say, 8am and I never went in. I just quit. I drove away. All every single job I've ever had, I just drove away and I always thought of just driving off a bridge, just leaving this life. I've always felt like a failure. I've always felt like I was the stupidest kid in the world, the stupidest person in the world, just an outcast that's never gonna be happy, never gonna be loved. High school ended for me in 2013. I graduated. Right now it's 2021 and I'm in my room every day, 95% of my life since after high school I've been in my room. If I wasn't in my room, I'm at the gym for an hour or I'm at the store buying food. Since 2013, I've probably hung out with one person other than my brother and family members. People say it gets better. That's all you'll hear. Psychologists, therapy, family members, people you run into on the street or run into in your DMs or comments, they'll say it gets better but I feel like every single day this depression, social anxiety, self-doubt, myself, my lack of confidence, I feel like it's killing me more every day. I can't even get a haircut without thinking about what am I gonna say to the barber? What if he asks me this? What should I ask him? What if he asks me something and I don't ask him something to return? What if he thinks of me as my barber, my barber? Something as stupid as that and it may sound so ridiculous to someone watching this video or a person I'm telling is to a barber I'm afraid to talk to. I'm afraid because I feel like everyone is better than me. Like I am the worst, the stupidest person on planet earth and everyone is on this upper echelon, they're on this higher level than me and I'm flat below the surface. Two years ago, January 2019, I started this channel. Before you knew it a month later, I had 20,000 subscribers. Another month passed, I had about 50,000. Another month passed, I had 100,000. You can't imagine how amazing that made me feel. I have friends, I have people that love me that know me now. I'm getting attention, I am living on cloud nine right now. I finally found my purpose, I'm finally doing something in my life but am I happy? Why do I still feel alone? Right now I have close to 300,000 subscribers, over 30,000 followers if you combine Instagram and Twitter. So many people follow me, why do I still feel alone? I mean, you look at my Instagram, so many pictures but I'm the only one in those pictures. There's no one in them but me. Every picture I take I'm in my room or I'm in my car. I'm doing videos, 100 plus videos on my channel, it's all me. No one else in these videos. For those of you that watch my channel, you know what my content is like. But for those that don't, you would think I'm the happiest, most fulfilled, joyful person in the world. You see me jumping around on my videos, smiling, having the time of my life. I'm in good shape, I have biceps, I'm good looking as people would like to say. But you turn that camera off, it's back to my misery. It's back to feeling alone. It's back to doubting myself, acting like I have to go to the gym to get a good body for people to like me. Trying to cover my insecurities with looks and it doesn't help. It doesn't help at all. People are like, why are you depressed? You're good looking. You have a nice body. That has nothing to do with in here. I am a mess in here. I get messages all day, people saying I'm funny, they like me. I made their day, I saved them. It's unbelievable. I could save others but I can't save myself. When I smile, it's because I made someone else smile. I want it to be known that I am very extremely grateful for every single one of you for the amount of love and respect you've given me in such a small amount of time since I started. I'm forever grateful. I owe you my life. I love every single one of you but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel like this. It doesn't mean I have to be happy. It doesn't mean that all my problems are fixed because nothing's fixed, nothing. I'm still alone. I still feel lost. I still feel like there's something out there for me, there's something waiting for me. So through YouTube I found a girl. She was amazing. She was beautiful inside and outside. We met from my channel, she was a fan and we talked every day. She lived in Germany, I lived here. Some of you even know her, you follow her because I posted a lot about her when we were dating. We did videos together. You loved us, you said you want a relationship like that and honestly it was a great relationship. We did so much together, so much, traveled the world. We talked about the future. I stepped out of my comfort zone so many times with her. She showed me a part of myself that I wish I could be. And I loved her. This is the part of the video where I keep crying, but I feel like I got used to it. So now I could talk about it without breaking down. But it's funny that the girl that I wanted to spend my life with now looks at me as a distant memory. I was just a prologue to her story. It's just something that came before when her real story began. She was my best friend. I lost my best friend, my only friend. And I thought that was the end. I thought it can't get worse than this. I finally found a reason to live. I finally found what I've always wanted. And now I lost it. And I'm never going to get it back. I should just end it right now, save myself from being disappointed even more. Notice how earlier I said that I had a friend besides my family that I hung out with once. She was that one friend. And I don't have that friend anymore. We broke up and like I said, I just wanted that to be the end. I just wanted to leave this earth that second. But I took a deep breath and I said, I'm going to keep going. Maybe this was a sign, this was supposed to have happened to me to give me a push, to push me to be better, to push me to follow something. And that's when I decided to make a plan and stick with it. Because unlike everything else in my life where I just do it and I never complete it or I just don't even start it to begin with, I'm going to have a plan. I'm going to follow it and I'm going to be happy. And that's not going to derive from someone else. That happiness is going to come from within. I'm going to love myself. And maybe if I learn to love myself, believe in myself, have confidence, stop doubting myself, stop thinking I'm stupid and the ugliest and worst person on the planet, I'm going to reverse all of those things and start loving myself. Maybe then I'll truly be happy and be able to find someone that actually does love me for who I am and will choose me to be their one. All right now it's May 6th, 2021 and I'm better. I'm getting there. Still depressed, I'm still a little lost, still have no friends, but I have family and that's every single one of you and I'm so grateful for you. And this is the part of the video where I want to use my experiences to inspire you. My light derived from my pain. I used my pain as a weapon to fight for what I want. I used my pain to find myself, to keep going. All that heartbreak, all that self-doubt, all that pain I've been through in my life, I'm going to use that as a fuel, as a fire. All of that pain is going to be a fuel that keeps fueling that fire more and more and no matter what I'm going to keep fighting. The 300,000 subscribers or zero, whatever it takes I'm going to keep fighting until I'm happy. So don't think that just because you see me successful on social media and YouTube that I'm happy. I'm happy and smiling because of those I met, because of the messages I get and the love I get every single day, but it doesn't mean I'm fully happy. To find myself, to be truly happy, I have to keep fighting. And you have to keep fighting too. You have to find that light. Every one of us has that light inside of us that is just waiting. It's just waiting. It's like a star in the sky. It may be so distant, but one day you'll be able to see it bright. You'll see yourself as the brightest star. No matter how distant that future may be, it could be tomorrow, it could be an hour from now, it could be years. You got to keep looking up, even if you don't know what you're looking at. Because eventually you're going to find yourself, you're going to find that star, that bright star and say, I did it. I fought my whole life. I looked up my whole life and it finally paid off. And I truly believe, I know from the bottom of my heart, I promise you, every single one of us, every single one of you watching this, even those that hate me, people that won't watch this, people that disliked the video, you have that inside of you. You have that light, that fire, that fuel, and you're going to be something one day if you aren't already. You're going to find your happiness if you haven't found it already. Just don't give up. If I gave up, I wouldn't have met all of you. And wherever I would have taken myself, whatever next life, hell, heaven, whatever there is, I would regret it if someone showed me the possible future I would have had. So yeah, that's my story. You would have never guessed that someone like me would have a story like that, I'm sure. Watching my videos, you would think I'm so happy that I never struggled in my life or had real person problems but hopefully now you know. And anyone on the street, anyone you go to school with, any of your friends, strangers, they could be going through the same thing. We don't see problems, it's unseen, it's something no one could see but everyone has them, everyone. I don't want you to worry about me, I never want to worry about people that love me or people I love. Even if you don't love me, I love you. I love every single one of you. And because of this channel, I actually met a different girl and I love her. She makes every day better, she makes every day worth living, I hope it works out. If it doesn't, I don't know, I'm not going to say if it doesn't work out, I'm going to do something, no. As always, if something doesn't happen the way I want it to, I have to keep going, I have to keep fighting. And that's my message for you. I love you guys so much, thank you. I don't want to worry you, I don't want to make you sad. I want this video to explain to you that not everything is how it seems, that everyone has their own problems. I want this video to help someone that thinks they're alone, that they are not alone. Someone they see like me that thinks I'm so big has the same problems that they do. Hopefully that will inspire them. And I just want to let you know I'm here for you. I'm here for every single person that has a problem, even if I can't answer because I get a lot of messages, just know that you have a friend in me, I'll try my best. But yeah, that's it. I love you guys, bye.