 Good health to all from Rexall. Yes, it's Sunday. Time for the Phil Harris Alice Face Show, presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and your Rexall family druggers. Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggers, taking a little time from behind the prescription counter this Sunday evening to speak for all 10,000 of us. The 10,000 druggers who have added the word Rexall to our own store names. You can always tell us by the orange and blue Rexall sign in our windows. The sign means that we carry the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company. They range all the way from aspirin to penicillin and there is fine and pure and dependable as science can make them. We recommend them to our customers because we know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. And now your Rexall family druggers brings you the Phil Harris Alice Face Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen his music, yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Last week Alice noticed that her clothes were getting tight on her and she decided to go on a special health diet. She feels the diet is not only good for herself, but also for Phil and the children. And the family has been on this imposed diet for 5 days now. Alice do we have to eat this stuff for lunch again? What's wrong with it? Well look at it, raw carrots, vegetable juice, dried fruit, herbs and celery tonic. Can I have something that tastes good like a hunk of blubber? I'm getting weak from eating this stuff and look at the kids, they're wasting away to a shadow. Oh stop exaggerating, this health food is good for them. Children eat your lunch. Alice, pick up your fork and start eating. Yes mommy, daddy. Yes? Help me lift my little arm. Now you see what I mean? They're weak and no wonder. They're practically living on raw carrots, carrots for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Look at Phyllis, she's so weak she can hardly keep her little pink eyes open. Don't be ridiculous, carrots will never do her any harm. Now Phyllis, start eating. Phyllis, I'm talking to you. Eh, what's up doc? This diet is very healthy and I'm going to stay on it. You can't understand, why do you have to lose weight? My clothes don't fit me, I'm getting fat. Well it isn't noticeable. Oh, it isn't? No, you don't look any fatter to me than usual. Hand me my nine iron caddy, I've got to get out of this trap. Oh look honey, what I mean is, you're not fat at all. In fact you're much more slender than any matron your age. Matron? He better tear you off again daddy, you lifted your head on that one. Look Alice, believe me, you're just as slender as you ever were. Just how much weight did you put on anyway? I don't know, I'm afraid to step on a scale and find out. You're on a diet and you don't know how much you weigh? Well I give up. I just don't understand you women, you're a mamigma to me. Philip, the word is enigma. I'm using the feminine tense. Marty, where'd you come from Willie? The door was open so I walked in. Hello Alice, good morning Philip. Popped already. Time for lunch, won't you have something? Yes, would you care to share a herb with us? No thank you, I just finished a delicious lunch. I had a hot roast beef sandwich with mashed potatoes and gravy and apple pie. Cut it out! I haven't had a decent meal since Alice put us all on that Dr. Crail's health diet. I'm telling you Willie, it's killing me. But Dr. Crail's health foods are wonderful Philip. I ate nothing else for three months and they did wonders for me, yes indeed. Why you wouldn't believe it, when I went to Dr. Crail I was a 98 pound weakling and look at my physique today. Yeah 102 pounds is solid nothing. Look if your sister wants to go on a diet that's her business but why do I have to go on it? Because you can stand it, you're getting a little flabby yourself. Flabby? How can you say that to me? Me, a perfect streamline specimen of American manhood. Streamlining is beginning to sag a little. You're getting a double chin. That ain't no double chin. It's just that my face has so much good looks it overlaps. If I can't take any more of this I gotta have some food. I'm just a bag of bones now. Oh you are not. No then how come every time I step out in the backyard the dog tries to bury me? I don't care what you say. I'll go to the kitchen. There must be something in the cupboard I can eat. Not even a can of anything left. Just herbs, dried fruit, pablum, carrots. Pablum? That's the stuff Alice used to feed the kids when they were babies. How come we got baby food? I wonder if... Hey, if this stuff's good for babies it ought to be good for me. I'm going to try some. Hey, this don't taste bad. Hi Curly. Oh hello Frank. Alice told me you were in here. What are you doing? Eating. Eating what? Pablum. Stop pinching my cheek. Sit down I want to talk to you. I don't want to bother you now. I'll come back after your two o'clock feeding. What's the idea of eating pablum? Well I gotta eat something nourishing. Alice is on a diet. And put me on a two. Look Frankie I'm so hungry I'm desperate. You are huh? Yesterday I wrote to my congressman to see if I couldn't get in on the Marshall plan. Looks like I got here in an opportune moment. That's what I come over to see about. Our pal Bill Chilius is opening a restaurant tonight. He's going to be televised and he wants stars like you and Alice there. A restaurant? With food? Hey how would you like to sink your teeth into a big juicy sirloin smothered with onions? French fried potatoes and creak. Curly stop chewing on my arm. Well I'm sorry. Look Frankie I'd love to go to that restaurant opening but Alice won't go and she won't let me go either. She says we're going to stay on this diet until she loses weight. Curly you don't know how to handle women. All you gotta do is flatter her make her think she lost weight. Yeah yeah good enough but suppose she steps on the scale and finds out she hasn't. Well you could be prepared for that exigency. No I couldn't. Why not? I don't know what you're talking about. Look all you gotta do is set the scale back. Set the scale? Hey you got something. Yeah sure set it back. Hey look I'll go in and fix the scale right now. Now all you gotta do is flatter Alice into weighing her son. Don't worry. Don't worry. I'll flatter her into thinking she's the most slender thing that ever stepped on a scale and she'll. What are you fellas doing in here so long? Where's Phil Frankie? Somebody talking to me? Did somebody just come in? It's me Alice. Oh there you are. I didn't see it. You're so thin you're hardly noticeable when you stand sideways. Oh stop trying to tell me that you think I'm thin? Definitely. I imagine when you take a shower if you don't stand in the right position you don't get wet. Oh Frankie let's not overdo this. I think that I... Hey Frankie I got everything all fixed. I set the... Oh hello Alice. You set what Phil? My hair. I just washed it and it's a mass of ringlets. Yeah I bet you know Frankie thinks I look slender. Certainly so does everybody else. That's what I've been telling you. If you'd only weigh yourself you'd see that we're right too. All right I'll do it. I'll go in and see. Yeah we'll go with you. Hey girlie the scale thing? Like a crooked slot machine. Okay Alice. Now look get right up on the scale. All right. Right up there. There. Gee I'm afraid to look. What does the scale say? How much do I weigh? 32 and three-quarters pounds. 32 and three-quarters? Well that's with your clothes on honey you don't really weigh... 32 and three-quarters. Well Curly you fixed the grape. I can't understand it. I just set that knob back a little. Oh I might have known it was just a trick to get me off my diet. Just for that I'm going out and buy another month's supply of that health food. Goodbye boys. No no not another month of that stuff. Sometimes I wonder why I ever became a married man. There's so many other things I could have been. When I was young I had about a million aspirations. Hopes and expectations. Things I thought I'd be. A farmer, an actor, a farmer with a tractor, an acrobat, a crooner, a captain of a schooner. Then I wanted to be president. But now I'm kind of hesitant because when I look around the things I see they don't appeal to me. You know I want to be a goldfish. A happy little goldfish. Believe me life would be a bowl of thrill. No need to be a scholar. No need to earn a dollar. Don't have to lift the guild of pay your bills. Why they haven't any troubles and life's a bowl of bubbles because romantically they're always in the mood. For when a little heat fish pursues a little sheet fish not once does she resent his attitude. Why he's never in hot water about some fish's daughter don't blame me if I wish I were a goldfish. That's what I want to be, a goldfish. Just a happy little goldfish. Believe me that's a life of ease and class. Why it's so so hunkidory in manor's piscatory to wave your finny in a bowl of glass. Now they think their life is dreary now. In fact it's very cheery. Why they giggle just by wiggling their tails. Their music though aquatic from swing to operatic they get by playing up and down their scales. Why no golf to throw your stance off no news to scare your pants off don't blame me if I wish I were a goldfish. No Dennis makes you holler. No Dr. Pills to swallow. No rheumatism to lay you up in bed. Listen to this. You snare a golden cutie. It ain't her father's duty to grab a gun and fill you full of lead. So until this world of taxes gets back upon its axis. Please. Just for a little while. I want to be a goldfish. How is that Frankie? Curly or right. You're from hunger. What you need is a good meal. How about coming to that restaurant tonight. I just got through town telling you that Alice ain't going to let me. I ain't going to get a square meal again until her clothes fit her. Until her clothes fit her. That's right. I think I have a solution. Hold it a minute. Just hold it a minute. Don't come in with another one of them extremities. Well, listen to me. Look, if we fixed Alice's clothes so that they fit her again, she'd think her weight was normal and she'd start eating. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Hey, if the dresses are tight, all we got to do is let them out. Open a few seams. You go up and get Alice's dresses and I'll get the sewing machine ready. Okay. Hey, Frankie, now please be careful. Well, these are Alice's best dresses. All right, let me have them. Wait a minute, Frankie. What? Look at me. Yeah. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Don't I always? I know how to handle this stuff. The first thing I do is open a seam. Just a little. Very carefully. Remly, look what you did. Don't worry. That's just the first step. Now what do we do? Baste the hem. We what? Baste the hem. You know what that means, don't you? Of course I do. What do you think I am? Stupid or something? What good is it going to do to pour gravy all over the top? Ignorance is amazing. Basting the hem means letting out the waist. Oh, it does? Sure. I thought they called that pleading the pebble. It's the same thing. Well, how much should we let the waist out? Not much. About five inches. Let's make it ten and be on the safe side. Okay, I'll stitch it up. There we go. I'll have this thing finished in no time. Do it carefully. Get a nice, straight arm. Wow, that ain't Brace of the Sun machine girl. Oh, darn you, Julius. You made me run the needle over my finger. Look at it. What are you laughing at? Look, Julius, will you go away? We're busy. What are you doing? We're basting a hem. Oh. Still right now, Curly. Okay, put him over my knee and I'll flare his little bodice. If you must know, she's put on some weight and we're letting him out about ten inches. Just as her clothes are getting a little tied on her. You're just saying that to make me feel better. Tell me the truth. How fat is she? Now look, Julius, don't... Don't give it to me, straight. I can take it. Is her obesity obnoxious? Will you stop that? I keep on trying to... Is her who? What? She's ashamed to be seen. All right, all right. Have it your own way. She hasn't been out of the house because she can't get through the front door. Now get lost, will you? All right, I'll go. Frankie, hide the dresses under the sewing machine and cover it up. Hurry up, here she comes. To hear him talk, you'd think that she was... Help me with these bundles. Will you, fellas? Oh, hi, Alice. You're back, huh? Hey, Alice, did you bring home one little steak for me? No. Dr. Creil doesn't believe in steaks. Now please, carry these bundles in the kitchen. Ah, come on, Frankie. All right. Dr. Creil doesn't believe in steaks. Dr. Creil. Guy probably eats nothing else when nobody's watching. If Alice saw the guy eating the steak, that'd get her off of him. Oh, where am I? I think I can arrange it so Alice will see him eating one. See him eating one? Yeah. You know, I told you they're televising the opening of Chilius' restaurant. All you've got to do is invite this doctor to have dinner with you there and have a steak put right down in front of him. Yeah, I get it. You think? Alice sees all this on our television set. That's it. I'll stay here to make sure she tunes into the right station. You better get going, girlie. I haven't got much time. Okay, I'll call the doctor right now and tell him to meet me at the restaurant at six. Okay, goodbye, girlie. If Alice asks me, goodbye. If Alice asks me, I'm gone. I'll tell her that I had to meet Jackson. Okay, see ya. Goodbye, girlie. All right, goodbye. Hey, thanks for the idea, Frankie. You're back. Goodbye. I kind of hate to leave. Well, goodbye. Goodbye, girlie. Wait till Alice sees this doctor eating a steak. What's keeping you, fella, so long? Where's Phil? Oh, Phil, he had to leave. He had an urgent phone call to go home and see Jack Benny. Oh. Gee, I hope he's back in time for dinner. Yeah, well, he will be. Do you mind if I stay around, Alice? There's a television show on at six o'clock that I want to see. Okay. But if you'll excuse me now, I have to go and get dinner ready. Okay. East is east and west is west and the wrong one I have chosen. Let's go where I'll keep on where are those brilliant flowers and buttons and bows and rings and things and buttons and bows. Don't bury me in this prairie take me where the semen roll. Let's move down to some big town where they'll love a gal with a cut of her clothes and I'll stand out and buttons and bows. We'll love you in buckskin or skirts that you home spot. Oh, but I'll love you long or stronger where your friends don't tow the guns. My bones denounce the buck bought bounce and the cactus hurts my toes. Let's then move sweargals keep us in those jumps and saddens and when unless shown and I'm all yours with buttons and bows. Cause the city's where I feel at home and not the long prairie. My bones denounce the buck bought bounce and the cactus hurts my toes. Let's then move sweargals keep us in those jumps and saddens and when unless shown and I'm all yours with buttons and bows. Where women are women in high school That's fun, Mr. Harris. Is Mrs. Harris going to join you? No, she couldn't make it, Chili, as you see. I'm having dinner with my doctor. Oh, I hope there's nothing wrong. No, no, it's just a little matter of... I beg your pardon. You're Mr. Harris, aren't you? Oh, yes. Yeah. I'm Dr. Crail's associate. I'm Dr. Carlson. You're Dr. But I thought a beautiful girl like you, uh... Shall I draw the curtains, Mr. Harris? No! Chili, it's not what you think. This is my doctor. Of course. Sick like that I should be. Dr. Crail couldn't make it, Mr. Harris. I hope you're not disappointed in my being here. Well, uh... You don't mind having dinner with me, do you? I'll force myself. Forgive me, Alice, this was thrust upon me. See, that's television show. Why are you so anxious for me to see it? Well, you'll find out you're in for quite a surprise. You're gonna see something that'll just... Oh, good, good. Coming on now, I'd like to get the picture a little clearer. There, now sit back, you're gonna enjoy this. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the television audience. Welcome to the opening of Chili's's restaurant located on Hollywood's famous strip. We have quite a few celebrities dining here tonight. I see Edgar Bergen, Ray Maland, Ida Lupino, Sonny Tuft, and... Harris, what's Phil doing in that restaurant? Oh, Jackson must have taken him to dinner. And now, without further ado, we take our camera and microphone to our nearest table. And I see it's the well-known orchestra leader and radio star, Phil Harris, and the charming dinner companion. Hey, look, Alice, it's Curly, and... and that's Jack Benny? Stunning in a strapless evening gown. Well, this is a very dull show. I better turn it off. You so much as touch that doll and I'll break your guitar arm. I wanna hear Phil explain this. Well, here we are at Mr. Harris' table. Uh, Mr. Harris, do you mind if we interview you? Oh, no, no, not at the hall. Oh, the television camera is right on us. Yes, sir, right this minute. We're being seen in thousands of homes. Homes. Homes. Alice, I can explain everything, honey. This girl is my doctor. Oh, come now, Curly. Alice, I didn't know she was gonna show up. I was expecting somebody else. My mother told me I should never trust a drummer. Nothing but a palander, a rake, an old ruin. I am not just calling me. Your wife? You mean this girl, isn't it? And your wife is watching? Shall I draw the curtains, Mr. Harris? Yes. I mean, no. Alice, this isn't my fault. Frankie arranged this, didn't you, Frankie? Only up to a point. You're ad-libbing this part. Oh, Alice. Alice, Alice, please don't go away. I'll be right home to explain everything, honey. Oh, I feel sick, oh. Lucky he's got his doctor with him. Just wait till he gets home. And Alice, that's the whole story. Now, please believe me. Instead of Dr. Creil showing up, he sent his assistant. I don't believe you. Oh, Frankie, make her understand. You believe me, don't you, pal? No. Alice, honey, you've got to believe me. You know I wouldn't even look at another woman. I've seen your look. Alice, honey, look. If you don't believe me, call Dr. Creil and ask him. He'll tell you that he's sent her over. Well, you're willing to let me do that? I guess I was a little hasty. Oh, then you do believe me? Yes, Phil. I'm convinced. I'm not. But, Frankie, honey, I tell you, darling... Oh, shut up! Phil will be back in just a moment. Now, let's listen while a mother asks a question of her neighborhood drugist. Just the other day, I completely cleaned out our family medicine cabinet, and I'd like to get your advice on refilling it. Well, ma'am, speaking as a family drugist, I'd be sure I filled it with reliable drug products. But that's just it. How can I know when I'm buying reliable drug products? Just be sure the name Rexall is on the label. Well, you say that like a man who knows what he's talking about. Well, ma'am, we Rexall drugists do know. We've actually seen the way 2,000 or more drug products made by Rexall are tested over and over again, before they're considered good enough to wear the Rexall label. And we've seen the day in and day out research in Rexall's big laboratories that stand behind that label. That's why we know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Mister, you've got a customer. Can I get these products anywhere? Oh, no, ma'am. Only at Rexall stores. The stores with the orange and blue Rexall sign in the window. Good health to all from Rexall. I have some news for you. We don't have to stay on that diet anymore. Well, hallelujah. And ziggity zing. Hey, you mean you lost enough weight? Well, Phil, I never gained any. Never gained? But you said your clothes were pretty tight on you. I know. I know, but the dry cleaner just called and said he's been trying a new cleaning fluid and it's trying all of my clothes. Oh, no! Automatic saving is your saving. Buy U.S. savings bonds regularly where you work or if you're not on a payroll where you bank. This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips. Included in today's cast were Viola Vaughn and Frederick Tozair. The part of Frankie Remley was played by Elliot Lewis and Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Alice Faye appears with the courtesy of 20th Century Fox. This is Bill Foreman wishing good health to all from Rexall. Sunday is fun day on NBC. Stay tuned to this station for the Edgar Burke and Charlie McCarthy show with Carlos Rededley. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.