 Ibarth, yn ystod y week yn rwy'n meddwl i'w bwysig Platton Wav Campers, yr Unig Llyfrgell Lleodagol Lwyddiolau Fawr. Felly, o gyda'r ffordd, mae'r ffordd Platton Wav Campers eich bod yn ôl i'n gwneud fy ffwg o'r ffordd. Felly, mae'n gwneud i'w ddigon o'r wneud eich bydd o'r projectol o'r ffawr yn y Cymru, mae'n gweithio i gael y byddogol. Mae'n gweithio i'w ffawr yn y Cymru, Llan will now's your chance as you can save £500 by using the code James500. All you have to do is speak to one of the friendly sales team and say that James English sent you there. Now let's get into the episode. You can now follow me and all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications button so you're notified for when my next podcast goes live. Bwm, mae'r ond. Yn y ddweud, nes yw'n gweithio. Niko, os ydych chi'n gweld? Yn y ddweud, James, yn y ddweud. Felly'n ffawr. Felly'n ddweud, mae'n ddweud. Rwy'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae gennym laboratory说r grant Ion. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud ac golwn expressions Sticker ong e'w rhullag. Mae'n ddweud. T appenwys pwf那个 yddy foundad am yr unal y b Artistanc. Mae nab Ciidd. Mae'n gweld dangos, mae'n nes parod wedi eich pr IQ. Llywodraethau ddweud y gallwch chi am ystod ydych chi, dyna'n gobaeth byddai, fel ydych yn bryd gweithio. Mae rhai, rhai, eu bod wedi'i rydyn nhw, wedi bod y gallu eu cyfnogaeth, ond hefyd rydyn y gallwch yn bryd hwn yn fwy mwy o'r blaid. Wna gennym dwi'n cael ei ddoel? Rydych yn ymgylchedd yma? Pryddoch, mae'n gogogi eu bod gyda'r sofydd. Mae'n gogogi yma gwybod ymgylchedd yn ei sianol, maen nhw efallai iawn ranio, maen nhw'n fadduaeth, donc maen nhw'n meddwl amlaen nhw chi'n meddwl gan bars hefyd, amser'i hollwch yn lltydd. A mae hynny'n adaith, gallwn dyn ni'n gwybodd am yma, felly mae'r lle lleol a lleol yn meddwl, gallwn i'n meddwl amddun i'n meddwl a i'r lei. Mae'r lleol yn meddwl yn lleol ond arall, ond mewn lleol yn meddwl o'r bod yn meddwl Felly rydyn am ysgol ychydig, fel nhw'n tych, roedd yma'n tywh, rydyn am y sgol yn yma, when he came ong, roedd yma roedd y 16 ym Llywodraeth i ddoeidio. Lydaethaf! Felly oedd yn y trofaf! I felly fyddan yn y gweithiau! Sa swyddo i'r grynllun yma, rydyn wedi ei Wygrwch. That I don't care about the extra time. I'll read it because I want to get good qualifications, I want to have a good life, still don't have a qualification in my name bro, I think I have a level 3 in English and I, agriculture in English can barely speak on this. I mean I'm able to connect with people Ond e'n ei gwasg o'r llyfr o'r llyfr o'r blaen, mae'n ddweud i'r llyfr o'r blaen mewn ddechrau. Mae i'n gwneud? Mae gennym ni ddau, yn ysgol i'r glas. Mae'r ddechrau am ystod o'r gwerthu'r llyfr. Mae'r ddweud i ddweud i'r llyfr. Mae'n gwybod i'r llyfr. Mae'r ddweud i'r llyfr o'r blaen, mae'n ddweud o'r llyfr o'r blaen, ma'r llyfr yn ei cyfrifol. I mean, fwg, fwg, hei, hei, gobeithio. It's a place built on conflict, no one are, you know what I mean? Quite literally, England took it from the Irish. The Irish are saying, no, it's ours. The English are saying, hardly if we took it. You know what I mean? And it will not get in the asside of things, man, I've no politician saying that now. I will fuck with politics in this country because the country's politics are all different types of fucked up. You know what I mean? So stay away from it, make the past as the past. Let it sleep that the people are now ddweud o ddiweddol i ddim yn gwneud. Mae'r rhan o'r dda wedi bod yn cael y cychwyn. Mae'r rhan o'r dda wedi bod yn cael y brwylo, mae'r rhan o'r dda wedi bod yn cael y cychwyn ond yn cael eu ddiweddol i'r ddweud. Ond yna'n ffordd o'r cychwyn, ac mae'n rhan o'n ddiweddol i gael eich mynd. Mae'n meddwl ei wneud gyda'r ganddraeth ymddangos. Mae'n meddwl ei ddweud o'r ddiweddol i ddweud, yn gweithio'r ysgol yn yterraeth. That's why I got scruff. You got scruff, my little dog. So through all the... Your childhood was a bit rough, moved about everywhere. Another one when your mum passed away. Did you have any texts or anything before that? No mate, my mum didn't have... I should be quick with Helen, anybody who fucked off me if she needed to. But she didn't have no texts. At least not that I was very young whenever she died so like... Not that I can't remember much, but I can't. I can't remember bits and bobs, but I've spent longer now on Earth without her than what I ever had with her. There's not much I could really tell you about her characteristics apart from she was a strong woman. But when she passed, was that the catalyst for everything to Kingdom? When she passed, that was maybe the start of my emotional trauma because I had to go through life with something most people of my age still had. But no, it wasn't the start of my texts. My start of my texts was whenever I was 16. I went and done Donald's High and I have no idea what happened to me mate. I woke up that day with a lot of energy. Just more energy than I've ever had in my life. And mate, it turned into like a shoulder tick. I'm like, hey, fuck off. Fuck off kind of like that. But it was all day. It was all day and it went from one or twice every few minutes and continuous not stopping for hours. And mate, I was exhausted. So I got rushed. I got rushed in the hospital. And they put me on. I'm not sure what they injected me with. It was fucking awesome. Some good shit mate. As far as I'm aware, it calmed down the shoulder spasm. But as soon as the drug wore off mate and I came back to reality and out of Cuckoo Land. Like I was literally seeing people with free heads trying to slap fucking knives away from my aunt's face. It was weird shit mate. But as soon as the drug wore off, the ticks came back twice as strong. It went from my shoulder to the shoulder. The leg, the leg. I mean I couldn't get out of bed. You know what I mean? I was throwing myself out of bed. But I couldn't walk out of bed. You know what I mean? It was fucking horrible. Like no control over my body. And then when the vocal ticks started to come it stopped the physical ticks as much. I was still ticking. But it wasn't all physical. It started at the end of the vocal. And then it kind of went back and forth in between them both. To a point where now... Food along. What is that? Food to eat. Yeah mate. As I said to you mate. Thoressen means more than just ticks. So like... I'd have like a bit of ADHD in me. Where I'd just be all over the place. And like I'd find it very hard to focus. So whenever I do get focused mate. I'd be distracted. And I'd be willing to distract myself a lot of times. So I'd forget the important shit like food. You know what I mean? That I'd quite literally starve myself to talk to you. Or to talk to Kylie. Or to talk to Steph. Or to the stroke scruff. You know? I'd be sitting there a few hours ago by. And I wouldn't even realise it. It's a bit nuts but it happens. So when did the verbal stuff start with the ticks? Two weeks in hospital. Were you thinking it was just a phase? I was thinking what the fuck's wrong with me. You know? I was like hey fuck off Thoressen. There was no sort of stage at it whenever I thought. You know what? I'll get through this. Cos at the end of the day. I had no idea what the fuck it was. The news that if this is Tourette's. Then I've got to learn to live with it. You know? There was no point where I thought you know what this could go away. Even though the doctor was telling me it could be a tick disorder. And that could last maybe a year. You know? But I really knew that it wasn't weird to say that. But I did. And what are they saying in hospital? You were in hospital for five weeks? Five weeks. Did it start picking up in the hospital? Were you shouting at Noss season? It started off with a hey. I said hey fuck off. Hey fuck off. It started off with a hey. And from that hey. It was funny cos like I was already around. Good crack of people. So I shouted hey at people. And then people at the corridor turned around. And then we'd all stand there and wave. You know what I mean? And I'd take hey again. And then it would go on. And then eventually like the curse words came into it. And that's what's known. Come on. Fuck off. Fuck off. That's what's known as corporate heliath threats. And I come around and I'm like balls. Hey the first one was bell end. And that stuck for a while while I was in hospital. And it was always bell end. Bollocks. Hey fuck off. It was always bell end, bell end, bell end. And came out sort of the same thing. Maybe it got a wee bit louder. But it would always just be that. And again it started to turn into full sentences. Which kind of worried me. Cos that's longer that I'm talking. That I have no control over what I say. And that made it a fucking weird thing having somebody rip control out of you. So what they saying. So what is it actually that does that? How does that trigger the brain? Is it a neuroscience of it? What is it really? It's a chemical imbalance in your brain. But there's no real thing to say this is what caused this. You know? So no trigger points or any of that. I got a plasma transplant done. So pretty much they took all the blood out of my body. Took all the plasma out of my blood. And then put some of these new plasma out of my blood. And then put that out of my body. Cos there could have been. No fuck off there could have been. Fuck off like a power side of my blood. There's some bollocks like this here. That could have been. It wasn't. You know what I mean? So I sat in that machine four hours a day for. I think it was like six or seven days. And got this process done. And it didn't help. But again it may not be what I'm going to do. I've still got like a little scarf. And I put a tube into my neck for it. You know what I mean? Right here. You know. But I forced the tube down in my neck to get it done. And mate. I was there for help. So I'm not going to. The doctor says this here could stop it. Like I'll do it. But at the same time I knew this was a lifetime thing. And when did you do that? What was that for? The plasma? Is that like dried blood? Is that other people's blood? It's other people's plasma. And they dry it out or something? I'm not sure. You think that could. It looked like a big yellow thing full of piss to me for. I had somebody on that was talking about plasma. But I don't know if it's other people's blood. They dry the blood out. It's a concept of what's in blood. Yeah. I could be way off key here. But do you think that could be a possibility? That could have triggered a lot of things for you. That somebody else's blood or whatever. No mate. No. I don't think at the same time. I wouldn't like to think to give it to me if it had side effects of making me worse. You know. But they say that they're willing to do. How am I fucked there? Fuck off the elsewhere hospital. I mean. Diggs. They were willing to do fucking. And what do you call that? Something where they shock my brain. They fry my brain electrocuted. And hopefully that it resets. And I already told them now. Like I'm not having that done to me. It's worse for me than tics. It is a sense that I'm going to have a stroke and not be the same at all afterwards. Like mate. I might have this annoying fucker interrupting me every few. How am I fucked off? Hey. I don't have every few fucking sentences that I try to spell out. But at the same time I'm still myself. You can see that. This clear statement. I'm still. As long as I stick to what I'm passionate at. Like the fucking martial arts. Like hanging about with the people that have always been about me since before I had tics. You know what I mean? I have a best friend. She's been a best friend since I was about nine years old. You know. Before I had any tics when my mum was still alive. I've kept her about me. And she reminds me that fuck. Times used to be a lot simpler. And I was still the same guy. You know what I mean? So seem you get out of hospital. Are you thinking did you become out of close? Did you get depressed? Or are you thinking you know what? I'm just going to run with this and have fun. For about four months I didn't leave the house. Cos I was just very, very nervous. Plus again the medicine that they put me on were antidepressants. Which again made me depressed. Cos I didn't need antidepressants. I needed a suppressant. And most suppressants are antidepressants. Cos they're trying to stop the tics. But at the same time if they had told me that there was a chance that I'm going to think about death and killing myself. I would have never have taken. So for about four months they gave me this pill. And it was wiping me out every day at four o'clock. I'd end up having to go to sleep. Wake back up just feeling drowsy. Not wanting to leave the house anyway. But at the same time I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want people to come and fuck off at you. Fuck you bitch. Go and then fuck off at you. I didn't want people to see that side of me. Cos people were so used to deciding me that it wasn't the tics. And I wanted that to stay alive for as long as possible at that point. But you can't hide from anything for too long mate. So seeing you go out for the first time. Did you have a deal first? No, my auntie used to take me out anyway. Like shopping and stuff like that there. And then that's when I was like, I remember one weird girl coming up to me. He's asking if I was speaking Korean. Like what the fuck do you want? I've taken all English. How was that for the first time? Do you know you're doing it? You're completely conscious. But it's all subconscious things that come out. So I'm there the entire time mate. I can see people staring at me. I can sense the room. But at the same time I can't stop doing it. It's like say I lift this water ball, throw it at your face mate. Naturally your hands are gonna come up to your face to protect your face. You're completely aware you're doing that. You know you're doing that because you have to protect yourself. The same thing. It feels like there's constantly a fucking car trying to hit me. You know what I mean? And I'm constantly reacting to it. I'm trying to move out of the way. I'm trying to throw something there to pull it away. And it's just pressure and pressure and pressure. And then ticks come right through that. It's a situational thing. There's times where I'm sitting in the house and my ticks are calmed down. But my brain's going 100% the entire time. There's times where I'm able to talk... Hey you fucking pedified bastard! Fuck off, I'm able to talk fluently. Without ticks they're up to me too bad. But trying to get me to shut the fuck up is difficult. When is it at its worst when you feel more under pressure out in public? It gets worse whenever people be one triggering. Because there are triggers that people can do at karma. Hey, I fuck off. I did videos like the Tourette's alphabet. Where people put cameras on me and they start screaming letters on me. And the Tourette's will flip out. You always get the letter bang on. You know what I mean? The Tourette's flips out in the most exhausting video I've ever did. But at the same time it makes people happy. That's not going to lie to me. If you use make me happy. As you said at the start my day of tensions. One way of you making it feel like it's a little bit better. But it's a plaster that gets ripped off. And then fucking gives you more problems. How do you feel when people laugh at you? Like I see your videos and I laugh. But obviously sitting here now man. I don't find it funny because I know you struggle with it. And obviously I know the problems you had there at Christmas and stuff. Like it is sad that what people actually have to go through. And yes you're going to outburst and make people laugh. But when you are doing it and you don't mean to be funny. You will become a character at times when you feel as if you need to do it. To try not to do it. But you know what I mean? That people are there watching you. You just want to make them laugh. Because that's what you're known as. But obviously days you're not able to be asked. So when you're doing it. Like when people laugh does that get you down? Or do you just frustrate me? Frustrate me. But I used to not have the balls to stand up to myself for. Because I used to be scared of disappointing people. People please are at the end of the day man. I'd do anything to make anybody happy. If I were outside and I see you shaking. And I've got a coat on me mate. I'm going to give you my coat. To please you. To make you happy. I'll sit there and shake in the rain mate. I don't give a fuck. You know? But it frustrates me whenever people laugh. And they don't even know why they're laughing. They're just laughing for the sake of all that there was unexpected. And it's like mate I've lived with this now since I was 17. I expect it. I expect it. But I don't know when it's coming. But whenever it comes I know what it was. I know what happened. And I wasn't doing it to be funny. I was doing it because I can't help it. And you're sitting here laughing and being making a dick out of me. Because you don't understand it. Mate why is it fucked up? At times I feel like that. You know man? But then when you're doing the videos to make people laugh. Sucking the helium and rapping and reading poems. It's funny. So it's a bit hard for people because people then expect you to be like that 24x7. Not understanding you're battling so many different problems. You know mate that as you said. I had my own addiction problem. I put this down. I've never been a real bad addict on hard drugs mate. I smoothed a lot of weed. You know what I mean? I smoothed a lot of cigarettes. Fuck mate I've got this poem. You might be reading it too. Read it bro. It kind of explains it for me. I will interrupt myself. So bear with me while I try to read it. And I promise you it's not a funny fucking poem. This is no doctor's use. This is something I root myself. I did my trauma. You know what I mean? While I was in hospital for my psychosis. Because that's what happened to me. I lost my mind. And I begged God every day for it back. And I put God partly down to the reason I lost it. Are you a Christian? Yeah I was born like raised Catholic. So you have faith in something bigger and better than us? Higher power definitely now. I've kind of not distanced myself from all religions. But I believe in a higher power. I believe that everything's connected for a reason. I genuinely believe God talks to us in ways that is uncomprehendible for man. Man isn't allowed to comprehend it. When man feels like he does comprehend it, God will punish him. Because you're not God mate. I'm not God. We are able to create things the way God is. But we're not able to understand how he did us. You know what I mean? How he created this place. And that's what I believe in. But I believe God gives me gifts. Like being able to talk even though it's hard to talk. Being able to write music down. Even though it's hard to write music down. And being able to look at my trauma in a way no one else can. So that's just a poem about cigarette cement. Mainly in tobacco. And smoking something so fucking easy. That you can buy at a corner shop for 10 pounds. That pack of 20. You know what I mean? You can buy it there and it's going to kill you eventually. You know what I mean? Let's go. I had my first sig at only six years old. Knocking at death's door since my story has been told. Mum was disappointed and well daddy got mad. Maybe if they had led by example life wouldn't be too bad. He told me that day that tobacco would kill him. Still decided to keep light up and as long as we're still film. Mum took ill and was fighting for her life. God gave her a second chance because he was feeling so nice. Dad liked to gamble for money when he was rolling with dice. Sometimes we get well, sometimes only rice. Came from one hospital five years later in another. An 11 year old boy is now missing his mother. Tears all over my face. I got my first hug from my brother. Daddy felt lost because he was missing his lover. The funeral was big but our grief was bigger. That was the start of how my trauma was triggered. All part of God's plan was meant to happen. Behind all the tears my father kept laughing. We'd went to greed and well he wasn't for stopping. I wrote a poem and put it in her coffin. As we hit the next chapter a story goes on. The boy left his house while his dad hit the bomb. I can't fucking smoke up your dick head. Go fuck off. What happened in between didn't really matter. I can't fucking fuck off. It didn't really matter. As an adolescent man I'd give up on my father. Qubal was born a fucking mad hatter. Social grusher built and I climbed up the ladder. Gain some respect and I lost a lot too. In five more years I'd come back to you. It was a fresh start and needed a heart. All me and my father needed was a total restart. I was 17 and on the green already. But alcohol made us talk and got the relationship steady. And it can't fuck off anytime we smoked together. There was some fun in some worry. Not long left so do it all in a hurry. I took you to Amsterdam twice but never really had fun once. The city was designed for addicts and cunts. Only rolling up joints still haven't tried blunts. Trauma affects us all but weed literally drew me nuts. At least out of faith in a creator. We were catching smoke but the smoke would catch up later. It was almost ten years after my mum passed when dad got diagnosed. You don't think the smoke will kill you when you blow it out of your nose. T will stay in your mug but the smell of death will stay in your clothes. The reaper follows you anywhere that tobacco goes. The last two months we had with you were a gift and a curse. A lot of love was shown before we seen you in a hearse. As I tried to finish this poem my heart is about to burst. My dad died exactly ten years and ten days. Ten years and ten days after my mother left the surf. I wrote that in hospital going through my own mental fucking war. When people say trauma is what brings that on me. I talk to everybody in that hospital because talking is the only way to get better. The only fucking medicine that you need is someone else to relate to. Something I realised by being stuck in that hospital is that every single person was in there because of trauma. Not because of their disabilities, not because of their mental health issues. Every person was in there because they were traumatised in life. Nobody could relate to them. Nobody could talk to them so they had nowhere else to go. At that point I had nowhere else to go. God put me in a hospital where I felt locked up, where I felt mis. It's not their fault they couldn't trust me. I was never hurt anybody. I didn't hurt anybody. I stood up for myself as the way I see it. I told cunts they were cunts and kicked them out of my life. There were times where I didn't do it the right way. I'll be 100% saying that. I hurt some people emotionally instead of physically. Not all things have to be physical. I hurt people emotionally and scared the fuck out of them. They weren't used to seeing that side of me. That's just because I never used to standing up for myself. Just let people walk all the top of you. Seem ni'r 16 and 17, you became into the limelight when your videos are being viewed. My videos are times you're on TV shows talking about it. Did you have a lot of hangers on them because you're becoming a popular name and everybody's watching video and doing all these different things was there things that people used to video you and you didn't want to do it but you just felt as if you had to do it to please people? I don't know. Real question is I don't know. Any time I see a camera, any time I see a camera now, I made it that brings out my text. People record me without me even knowing it. I can literally sit in a train station and I see a phone flash and I see someone looking at me laughing. Then I start ticking so they think it's okay to keep going. The real question is I don't know. The text comes out whenever I see cameras. Who's the Irish guy you went on the show? Stephen Nolan? A few of my movies at times, what was that? After the airplane? Yeah. Hey, fuck, that was karma. Fuck, hey, I don't worry. Karma fucked off a video that I got my brother to record of me walking through the airport because that was my first time going through an airport and I wanted to know what the fuck it was going to be like so I got my brother to record it. That was at that point where I wanted people to see what it was like for me because fuck I was karma. Hey, fuck off, drugs on my baggy bitch. Go, hey fuck it's at the end of the day mate. I was learning about my disability because I just had a brain disorder mate and it's only going to grow as my brain grows. Your brain's not done developing until you're 23 years old mate, which I am now. As a man that's whenever our brain finishes developing. Still young man. Seemingly you feel as if you do know those videos at the start but sometimes you can play to the camera because you know what people want to see as well. A bit of acting comes with it as well because you know that people want to see that shit and it makes them laugh but also gives you the attention to try and make you feel good to take you away from your pain. I want to say that it was acted out to me but there was nothing that I acted out tech wise. I feel like maybe my happiness after the text was a wee bit acted out. You know what I mean? But again it wasn't because I was happy to be there. I was happy to be doing them things mate. I'd like to hang out with a stood up for myself but I couldn't because at the same time I've seen everybody else having fun. I've seen everybody else having a crack and I'm a people pleaser mate so I'll let them bring out that side of me and I'll push that side of me out but I have to shit I can't act. I can't even tell you what it was that I take now. You know what I mean? Again I'd say it was played up because of the situation but it wasn't acted out. It's okay people laughing. It becomes a different ball game obviously before the cameras are rolling me and you're talking I'm having a laugh, we're talking about live ups and downs like obviously this is serious where it's serious and you can feel that and you probably feel a bit more camera. It's normal but people are pressing you in to do this kind of things for their own attention and own laughter that becomes a different ball game. It's kind of one big reason I respect you mate. I told you whenever you first reached out to me that I wasn't in the right space mentally. Mate I didn't even know what the fuck was going on with me and I had lost my dad. What happened to me at that point in time was I had lost my dad. Well I broke up with my girlfriend three years we were together and broke up with her. Again she's very controlled and very manipulative got her way out of me a lot. She didn't even mean to do that. I don't think she was just trying to love me in whatever way she seemed possible. I lost my part. It meant to be with you 50 years mate. I had him free and he died. Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer in a month or two months. So that all hit me mate and I was partying and I was drinking and I didn't have control of my own thoughts and I didn't have control of what was going on in my head. I have a lot more control now. So now I felt like the time to let you in. You know what I mean? Yeah because when I reached out you said You never pressured me. I always used to say to your voice and say well I'll keep your head up and I'll always hear if you need me. Everything's about timing. Do you know what I mean? You're still here mate, you showed up. Whenever the time was right you showed up. It's all part of God's plan in my eyes bro. But you've got a mass following as well. It's just a case of picking a ball up again. You're in a better head space. You can utilise it to your advantage and make a good life. You've got this whatever it is you've got. Why not just fucking run with it because you do like laughing. You do like to make people laugh. Yes it can become draining but do you know what? You've not let it defeat you. I'd imagine a lot of people with Tourettes that may be staying in the house and they just hide away. Everything I've seen on the TV they've made Tourettes look like clowns and jokers. There was kids in Glasgow and they were like they used to do it in Scotland and they'd done one and they were shouting them up to my knees in Cowpat and fucking this and that and people were laughing, people were treating it as a comedy show. It ain't a fucking comedy show when you actually sit down with some of the Tourettes and actually figure out what the fuck they're going through but everything that's edited together it makes it look like it's funny I did the same thing to myself though I did the same thing to myself mate because I thought that's what people wanted to see and the people bringing out them documentaries like the BBC they want to get what people want to see not what's real and made the people sitting in them chairs doing them interviews they're saying what they think people want to hear. They're not saying what's actually going on because as you know yourself being vulnerable is harder than what it is to be funny you know what I mean? But there must be that advantage from it because see if you don't like some kind it's a great thing to go with you Steph, you're a fucking bouldie bastard mate isn't that what you are? You know what I did to Steph you know what I did to Steph made I find a hair bubble sitting over there and I said you Steph, is this yours? Is this yours mate? I think you lost this There is a way if you don't like something you can get away with it I'm so straightforward mate as you can tell mate I don't hide myself and this again not that I feel like everything happens for a reason I don't feel like I was choosing to have to rest on them I feel like I just got it but I'll tell you what the worst thing that's happened to a better person for it anyway mate because one of the reasons I kept going was because people kept asking me to keep going and it wasn't them cunts laughing at me tagging their friends saying I'm going to go to hell for laughing at this which happened all the time wasn't them cunts telling me I was faking my disability them cunts put me in hospital what it was is them people popping up to me and saying you know what, my son, my daughters got threats and they've just had to fucking listen to everybody they know putting them down you know what I mean everybody in school reclusing them, pushing them away because they don't want to be around them because most people don't have the funny side of the threats most people with threats have them I'll tell you just have the physical physical tics or the calm little things where they have like a head which is backwards or sneezes or coughs or grunts or just weird things where you'd look at somebody in school and say what the fuck is wrong with him you know what I mean and then they're getting bullied, they're getting separated from groups you know what I mean and see people testing me saying the way you've came out with your disability and the way you handle your disorder I want my son to handle it like that I want my daughter to handle it like that she's watched her videos now she holds on to friends she doesn't hide who she is she goes out she understands what the word thinks of her and she doesn't give a fuck anymore because you don't give a fuck did you get that people saying that you were acting? mate, did I get it did I get it bro people tell this day they'll come up to me in the streets and ask you do you actually have that there or what's the crack and I'm like mate what the fuck would I actually get out of this mate, I've made a few ball ball fucking YouTube videos you know what I mean whenever it was actually really fucking blew up and I didn't even know how to make money that time my big brother showed me so it's not like I ever went out of my way to do it for money you know I didn't want people to know about it for such a long time that I thought if I do one video here the people around my local area won't be able to ask me questions mate, Belfast is a fucking hard place to live you know see if someone's got a problem with you mate they're not gonna hold it back for me you know if they feel like you've been a dickhead to them they're gonna be a dickhead straight back to you mate, I was never trying to be a dickhead to anybody but I was terrified that someone was gonna send me for just leaving the house so I figured you know what I have to put this out here because yes my friends knew my family knew but the shopkeeper down the street didn't know and mate I felt like everybody needed to know otherwise I wasn't safe yeah how was that then if you don't the person doesn't know who you are and you're shouting him out is anybody ever tried to put it on you or hit you or anything um thank fuck mate no one tried to hit me because I wouldn't want to go to jail you know as I told you mate I'm training for a fight here in April I've been in martial arts since I was 13 cos of my anger issues whenever I was a kid you know just getting into fights over stupid shit mate and it's shit to say at me I would have been the one to hit first over words cos mate I've got this male ego you know what I mean someone's disrespected me I need to physically attack them to get my fucking macho on this I shoot them girls that I am the man and that's not the way about it like a real man understands that fists aren't the way to fucking deal with things keep that shit for the gym where it's wanted no one actually wants that shit yeah sorry mate that was a question when are you at your cameras cos I used to have Nick used to work on his show and he had I started a great kid man a really good guy and worked like fuck on this podcast but sometimes you used to see different like he was calm but sometimes he'd answer the phone and they started wouldn't be there or like sometimes working I'm a workhorse man so sometimes it would come with working harder is there times when you're at more your cameras when you don't really notice that you even have to this when is that whenever me and him is chilling doing our own thing and he's distracting me from the rest of the word mate cos his loyalty is unconditional he never expects any fuck off he never expects anything other than me from walking some food as long as I give him walking food mate he's sound I mean so see we never were in bed mate when I take and I see him jump out of bed and run away it gives me time to sit there and go what the fuck is that about scruff come here and calm me down so we're like whenever I'm able to to get myself out of my tics which isn't fucking easy mate and it's not something you can just do it's situational you know whenever I'm sad at home not thinking about other people looking at me other people watching me other people being about I feel like I can get out of that there side of things but then I'll take and disturb that there but at the same time see for them our 2 hours 3 hours tops that it would be that I can unrecognise it I feel good also in the mornings too mate in the mornings mate whenever I wake up and notice the first one because I've went about 10 minutes, 15 minutes 20 minutes, half an hour went down stuck on the kettle, heard the click on the kettle and that clicks made me tick you know what I mean little things like that there mate I really notice the time apart you know what I mean whenever that first one comes on what about when you're sleeping I've been told that the tick I'm asleep the odd time I have woke myself up maybe twice you know but getting to sleep is pretty easy as long as I burn out all my energy like fuck Kylie's here she stayed with me over my isolation cos I had COVID there fuck me another rough rough end of Christmas the psychosis hit me finally got out of the hospital mate the partner is still there from all the weed you know what I mean so like fucking horrible but then like I start to go out of the wee bit and then start to come out of my shallow wee bit and then boom get hit with COVID half the isolate again fucking another shit to you but Kylie sickness and health sickness or in health shit came along and did isolation with me you think fuck cos I would not have been able to bear that stuff alone so there's certain things that trigger it what about when you're shagging and stuff is it mate nah not really sometimes do sometimes it's again situational like the odd time that'll happen I've never met a wee girl to love it yeah you know what I mean but is it everything it doesn't trigger then like you're just shouting at fucking things the odd time it has but like again he's just laughing there's never been a you haha that was great it's been like why'd you stop you know what I mean fuck hey you fuck off call him myself but it's mad that there's certain things that trigger it certain things that don't let it's trying to find that thing that focus mate focus is the best time what about when you're doing your jiu jitsu and stuff I have to tell people the odd time cos it's very calm on the mats cos at the same time mate you're still focused on not dying not having this kind of rip my arm off not having this kind of not having my fellow team mate rip my arm off or try to choke me out or kick me in the face or hit me in the face that yours there and plus again mate before I ever had threats you know so whenever I'm on the mat mate it's kind of natural not to whenever it does happen it not pisses people off but it stops them but I tell them not to do that cos mate I guarantee the person I fight cos it has happened in sparring again where I've been having the better or someone and then I tick and then they fucking go where does my time get to come cos at the same time mate sparring is a light fight controlled fight if you're with there with two people controlled the tempo it's beautiful if you're with there when someone has gotten the ego and they want to go in there and win eh you know not so beautiful it turns into a wee bit of a scrap and whenever you hurt somebody a wee bit and then their ego goes they want to hurt you back so hey you fuck off my tick and let my hand down in my head twist away and I can't see you you know what I mean which again I want people to do it sounds so fucked up you've boxed yourself mate you understand it there's a love for it there's a fucking need for the pain whenever you're in there mate you need to get craft one to wake up whenever you wake up mate that's whenever you're alive but eh I've had to tell sparring partners and jujesty partners a few times don't stop just keep going while I tick cos in a fight which I'm planning for no one's going to give me that there a second the wise up you know what I mean I'll take advantage of that it's mad that though cos I think it was ex fact there was a kid with Tourette, not Tourette it's like a heavy starter but then when he sung there was no starter and he sung like a fucking angel and then when he started speaking after the song it would just go off in one do you think that then keeps you sane the fighting kind of side of things 100% that that case me on a straight narrow path that gives me goals gives me a group of people that also understand what it's like to be free shot cos nobody in their right mind is going in the NMMA gym infat no one in the right mind sticks the NMMA gym or a boxing gym or a kickboxing gym a combat support unless they have been through something you know no one realistically made if you're going in there to smack another man in the face and get hit in the face or try to break someone's arm you're either doing that cos one you need to learn how to defend yourself cos you have anxieties being about in the street two you like that feeling of fighting because you've been in fights outside in the street and you've got a hit from it you've got your high off it or three shit the same it you've been in fights at home with your family and again not that there was a high off it but you've won a couple and that give you a good feeling for me it was the anger shit in the streets like starting fights over stupid things so my auntie fought when my mum died I went to live with my auntie cos again I got in a fight in the house with one of my friends mate that was only 13 again always over a fucking girl always a woman they took the piss out of me cos I had feelings for a girl I didn't really have feelings back at least you wouldn't talk about it in front of other people and I I've ended up getting my knee broke and shattered it in a couple of places and one bone hit another bone another bone hit another bone went in the hospital for two not telling anybody which fucking knee it is cos council take advantage of that and never name it so after I broke my knee mate I still believed I was the bad boy look at me in my cast I remember one time I used to smack on a wee man with the crutches and he'd digged me a couple of times and I went well that was the stupid thing to do why'd I do that you know I remember another time this guy fucking coming in the school with pots and pans for an AT exam and me being like mate your dad she'd literally told us not to do that and he turned around at me like I'd break your other knee so I just grabbed the crutches mate hop over to him and smack him he hit me back and I was like well again stupid thing to do here that's why you're still trying to do this but I remember whenever I eventually left my dad's mate and got out of that there no discipline place I went in with my auntie and my auntie was too much disciplined on me if you ask me but she put me in the jujitsu after my second school fight with her she put me in the jujitsu cos again this time it wasn't somebody my age or bigger it was a kid he's seen me two years younger to me but at the same time he was a first year I was a third year should not have hit him and again mate I've already said sorry to him for it fuck mate I believed the reason for it was just not going to get too much into it mate but after I hit the smaller kid it was time for me to learn how to discipline myself time for me to get hit by the bigger man so I knew how that felt and it worked where is the old anger stat? I mean I've always been angry mate I've always made this up kind of in a hostile environment with mum and dad not a hostile environment I wouldn't say like they would be verbally abusive to each other a wee bit you know what I mean but it was never to the extent where fights would break out between them they would break up, they would get back together break up, they would get back together but loving perfect bro more people were not perfect like I understand that through losing them you know what I mean they weren't perfect but they both had a really good point they were both smart they were both passionate you know did you have suicidal thoughts when your mum passed? mate I remember being 11 and tying a little string around my neck and just squeezing it but I wasn't ever thinking about killing myself I was just hanging I wonder how this would go I never had the thought like this is going to kill me you know I wouldn't even say it that way mate I'd just say there's a curious little boy you know at least that's how I felt in my head but it's still sad thoughts to have at 11 years old to think that as well and not contemplating it but try to experience it as well yeah mate it's not the point that you could have died mate it's the point you wanted to yeah at the same time I had 11 years old I didn't know what death was mate all I knew is that my mummy wasn't here mate and I wanted to be with her you know I had no idea that I could leave people behind and they'd be feeling the same way about me all I thought was mum's gone this place is a pretty ship in a minute shit crack here better crack with her the wrong way to think mate but it's God's honest truth did you ever speak to anybody about that at that age? I was told by Mountie Mountie got me into some fucking suicide prevention or thing which again the fucking nurse whatever they called me the councillor tried to get me to act like a rhino you know what I mean? some strange shit mate what do you mean? what was your favourite animal I make a rhino should pretend to be a rhino I'm like ha no wonder you lost your shit bro hahahahahah hahahah well I didn't fuck up I've been in another councillor I've been in another councillor since my mother died I've been in another psychiatrist since my head went with the tics since they got brain disorder mate they were trying to figure out what happened to me mate I think God just threw a challenge at me mate I've accomplished the challenge mate I'm trying to use it to my advantage trying to help people trying to spread awareness about it granted mate I don't think the way hey fucking pedified bastards fuck off go hey the fucking dick head go sorry that was right in your guys ears ah Steph mate I'm sorry I'm the useless though hahahah oh no mate we're not getting in there hahahah is that see when you hit your head and stuff is that so do you ever bust your nose or give yourself a black eye I've busted my nose once or twice like but it's very rare it's usually all the top of the head worst thing that's happening is I'm killing more fucking brain cells hahahah mate I smoke so much weed the last two years mate that birdie got any left I think you know see when you started getting all the attention and all the shows and the channel 4 shows and you had stuff on youtube if you had movies at times you'd get nearly a movie and follow us on facebook like how was that feeling for you did you enjoy that kind of wave of pressure mate at the start that was good to see that people were having the crack with it but it was always pressurment whenever people start tagging their friends and then everybody's like you need to turn this on public everybody wants to see this so I was like mate how do I do that you know what I mean when you're in public you know you were only 16-17 at this time mate that I knew how to work facebook I knew how to work like Snapchat and stuff like obviously mate I talk the birds you know looking back at it I didn't like for words and all that there shit but looking back at it did you feel used like a circus act well yeah a wee bit but again a lot of it happen so I can't really say that I'm a fuck off go you can't hey box I can't really say that fucking I don't know what to think of it mate the way for it I'll let it happen because when you think about it you're only 16 years old so it's just a baby do you know what I mean you're getting put on tv shows and tv and yes it's great and it's great exposure but you don't know how to use that then I'm in my 30s and I still don't really know how to utilise it properly because it's still scary for people to know who you are now and people try it because you're in it and I believe I'm on the ball with certain things and you become more of a recluson it's weird attention it's weird that I've craved it for so long and now I realise it's so fake because even social media it's not real it's just an electronic device where you feel connected to people but even if you just come off it nobody really cares as soon as you come off it may look like an adrenaline dump you feel worthless when did you start getting the height of your attention like on YouTube your videos I've used my wings at times was there any other time you just felt drained and tired that you were just going to take a step back or were you just thinking do as much as I can to try and get as much as tensions I can because the tension I'm getting is making me feel a wee bit better it's kind of numbing the pain that you are going through nah mate whenever it came to the attention I was more like the respect side of it I was able to leave the house and people were recognising me mate I preferred as you said the social media shit felt fake whenever you're in the street storm people are sitting there coming up to you and saying aw bro mate you're a fucking legend I liked that at the start people stopped me for photos then I went to my first concert mate a VT mate hey calm looks like I got this award for Heroes of the Youth and they again people were calling me a hero mate I didn't know what the fuck I was doing to help people because no one was coming up to me and saying you know what you got me through this you got me through that and whenever there were aww that's too stuck on my head too vain kind of you would say mate they understand that someone else was going through their own problems because I'd went through my own problems mate but I'd I'd help but it felt like I was going through it alone because no one was already understanding when did it start turning negative for you when did it start becoming a burden the attention, the messages and mate from my first concert my first concert mate I couldn't enjoy it my friend stitched me cos it's a big placement and couldn't keep grabbing me cos they feel like they knew me they are my friend mate in their heads you know what I mean and I don't know them 16 again 17 17 mate whenever I went to my first concert and mate whenever I tell you it was 6 hours of me looking for people that I knew and being grabbed by people that I don't for a photo for them and stuff it was quick to get a few likes and me not being able to trust any of them cos at the same time it had a real bad trust issues mate as you could tell me it took two years to get this happening you know it's fucking, it's mad but that was the start whenever I realised that this isn't a good thing as much as like people are telling me I'm doing a good thing for it for me this isn't feeling like a good thing anymore I'm feeling like I'm being as you say used and mate I felt used at that point mate and after that whenever I started to not enjoy people grabbing me for a photo unless they came up to me with a wee bit more respect and that's whenever I started standing up for myself whenever people were coming up to me and going there's your tick boy, there's your tick boy it's like no mate my name's Lewis Nicol learned that before you started calling me tick boy cos mate I might have teres and I might have showed my ticks off to you if you're going to come up to me and ask for a photo and ask me for my time out of my day whenever I could be doing something a wee bit better for me you know mate at least know my fucking name try to get a bit more respect of people but it's difficult then if people have just seen you as that character who's just shouting at people says my name right above the video bro lad by both credit me lad I don't know what people don't see if you can see you as a fucking character and that's the hard part when did it really start taking its toll though on your mental health what was the breaking point for you where you thought fuck this enough is enough mate again I don't feel like the tick boy ever did take a toll really it was more the smoking weed and being too paranoid about it you know what I mean and reading into the comments that's the biggest thing mate I'd be a very another thing to do with teres in there mate is you're very easy manipulated by people at least I feel like that I am every way mate if someone was to suggest something or if I felt like I could do something to impress somebody I'd do it you know when people please and shit and most people with teres are people pleasers you know from my experience anyway we're willing to put ourselves over comfort zone to help other people again I haven't met a lot of people with teres I've met a few people that have had the opportunity to you know and what's that like with other people with teres is that fucking horrible it's horrible and what we text trigger my text I can't watch it I can't watch my own videos without taking and I can't say that I watched a live stream earlier in the bath weird as fuck yes I watched myself in the bath you should do it sometime why they say that nothing guys they did it here bro but I admit that I can't watch my own videos when I set myself off and that's fucking horrible on the editing studio mate you're literally exhausted by the time you've edited a video I don't have money to pay another you know what I mean do that shit my own I can't watch other people's teres worse than I can't watch mine because I was there I did mine I remember what happened but what the fuck watching somebody else's text sets me off drastically I did one with your man the Scottish boy John Davison and John hey fuck off John John's name is a trigger for me from from the Benadorm trip you seen the video of me on the plane shouting at the air who's this hey fuck off the plane over was worse than that plane back I haven't got that in video the plane over was way worse fuck mate that was us sitting at the front mate with a few people and mate it was just pressure pressure on the large hall they met you've ever been out with the boys of course you have you know what it's like there mate everybody's got to be having the fun everybody's got to be having the crack whenever you see somebody there it's not like a it's kind of as an attention hangment my attention's took off you mate and through somewhere else is whenever my text come out worse cos it's not me crying for the attention mate it's just my text gets fucking worse whenever I'm meant to be quiet you know it's like maybe there's an attention hangment I don't fucking know bro there's no expert to sit there and tell me this shit it's not looked into enough for someone of a medical professional to sit and tell me this and as much as I want to trust myself with it mate again I have a lot of fucking trust issues mate I don't trust myself with it all I'm literally just out of depression just out of being suicidal you know and again threats mate it's up and down depression it's like in a day mate I could be feeling great I could be feeling shit it's all it's all in me if I do stuff to make myself feel better I'm gonna feel better but if I if I get a bit lazy mate or if I go out drinking mate I'm gonna spend that whole next day feeling like fuck am I even here you know which are tics like with a hangover whenever the depression kicks in mate it's not too bad on tics wise but again I'm so fucking exhausted from life it's shit but if I put myself out there at the minute with a hangover mate whenever I put myself out there in bad situations whenever you wake up mate and you feel groggy from the drink mate instead of sitting in bed for them I put on my long shoes on put on my shorts and I get out of the house I grab scruff mate me and him go for a run you know no matter how many hours sleep I've had I get up at half eight and I'll go out for that fucking run because if I don't go out for that run mate I'm gonna sit in the bed and I'm gonna feel like shit what you like when you're running excellent like whenever I'm out there and I'm hitting a street mate and I start picking up my paste to weave it I feel good because mate in my head I'm always there I'm always going like whenever I'm not talking mate I'm always thinking I can't listen too good I'm starting to work on it but like I'm like hey that's whenever I'm running and using my body and I'm not letting myself have a second I keep going and I keep going and I keep going whenever I stop to have a second and then I see somebody else it'll tick and it'll tick and it'll tick but then I've got to snap out of it and keep running like whenever I stop to talk to people mate that's whenever it gets worse I'm thinking about it mate I'm also thinking about it too mate and triggers it what's it have you ever been pulled by the police they ever say right you're fucking attic in the van no well once but I think there's a lot of people around me that sit there and have my back but at the same time mate I don't think he wanted me because of my tics he wanted me because I was drunk on the street and a bit of a dickhead and yes I have tics it's a different story but he didn't get me in the van the social media does have it's privileges like a lot of people came round him and he realised that if he put me in that van it was going to make a shit a lot worse what do you think when you're on the booze you're more relaxed and not in less tics depends on the situation mate I've had tic fits on control caramel fuck off hey it bugs uncontrollable tics for between a few minutes an hour to a couple of hours and mate that is the most exhausting physical exercise you'll ever do you could run 5k easier you could spar six rounds easier whenever you have a tic fit mate you're constantly screaming you're constantly moving and it's all violent you're hitting yourself you're beating yourself off walls mate you're struggling to walk so someone needs to carry you and if you're not being carried mate you're laying on the ground it's my anxiety riled up to its fucking top and you can't cry cos I don't know why it's like an overwhelming you ever feel like you need to cry mate and you just can't get a tear out it's like that feeling when we're just pure overwhelmed and eventually whenever you cry mate you blubber up like a little fucking baby and it's that but with tics no tears just pure and other tics how frequently does that happen it's getting a lot less ish cos I've been such a kind of open person with it and I'm able to talk but you're saying twice a year it's been how often I feel like it happens sometimes at the start more my brain disorder changes my brain disorder changes every my whole life that's what I've been told but somebody that doesn't have Tourette's when they're all just he's just a brain doctor so he can only go off what other people tell him but it'll change my entire life times it'll get better, times it'll get worse it'll always change when you were stoned we not tripping balls man I'm part of that 3% there's 3% of people that get psychosis of smoking weed I'm part of them another rare fucking thing another label mate why not throw an extra one on what was that were you more relaxed and you forget about you had the tics or does it, no matter if you're drinking taking drugs there's all situation moment environment friends you're very calm here and I believe it's an environment but I'll just feel it fucking moving on to the woods then just buy loads of dogs and just fucking that's the angle if the UFC don't pan out even if the UFC does pan out I haven't even had my first amateur fight this here is called manifesting and god giving gifts genuinely that is my angle to have a house out in the woods and I'll shit load of dogs again what I would like to do is I've trained scruff myself mate and he's a chill fucking dog he's a good dog he can walk off lead whenever I have panic attacks he comes over and he's there for me because his loyalty is 100% eventually I want to be at that point where I can train other people's dogs bring them into my house train them up to do what my dog can do and then give them back to them like I would love to have like a dog form that was good for that but again you're talking retirement sort of thing now bro I wouldn't want to spend my life doing that now I need to focus on myself now and that's what people's been telling me since I came out of the mental health institute was you need to focus on yourself stop worrying about other people but again people please are me can't just stop worrying about other people when someone's upset and I love them I take it very personally and I can have fuck all the do with me I will set up till 4 o'clock in the morning thinking about what the hell I've done to make you feel like I've maybe it doesn't matter what I'm doing the next day I'll set up and I'll think How many different doctors have you seen? What for? Just for the Tourette's they'll give you different answers and say you can take this it can help it this way or is it just all the same shit they say over the time specifically I've seen two I've seen my neurologist Dr John McConville one of the most respected neurologists in the country and in the UK I've seen a psychiatrist I can't remember her name but her building's actually just straight down the road that way so we're on the lesbian road now you go on down this here side mate and she's I couldn't tell your name bro it was such a long time ago but mental health wise I went into the house through my psychosis mate I went into the Ulster I also believe my brain disorder caused a lot of the most obscene shit that my psychosis was going on me cos I didn't hurt nobody mate I didn't physically go out of my way to hurt somebody and I've heard people go through psychosis and they hear and see things and it brings out a bad side of them where they kill people quite literally have murdered people that's just not in me I'm not that person so that's why I believe I didn't hurt nobody you know what I mean when did that happen 4th of December 14th of December maybe just two months ago wasn't it was that your worst experience ever was that a total breakdown it wasn't my worst experience ever I again went losing my mum and my dad it's been the worst experience I've ever went for I've lost friends people at 22 years old dying hard problems death is my worst experience ever shit for me to go through was the psychosis but it stumbled me a lot cos they put me into a hospital where I went in with no food no money, no personal possessions I broke my phone out of a rage where I blacked out when there wasn't even a rage where I blacked out and I threw it at my brother well I didn't throw it at him I threw it in his direction to scare the fuck out of him because he pissed me off quite a lot so I used my phone as a fucking pure example of this thing cost a lot of money and it was very important to me you've pissed me off more than anything and this is in my hands so I'm going to wing it if I wanted to hit him with it made that pretty good aim I could throw a banana skin up in from here backwards you think that was just a build up then from your mum and the weed and just that time of I think it was from my dad it was from my dad I told you whenever my mum died me and my dad went off a different path we got back on that path made I went homeless I've been technically homeless since I was 17 I moved out of my aunties went and my sister slept in her armchair for about 3, 2, 3 months slept in her armchair came out of there went back to my dad's house he got a victim within 2, 3 months again and from there I've been in emergency housing but whenever I went back to my dad's house we got to figure out whenever I was in hospital the 5 weeks for Tourette's he came up and seen me and me and my mum had to crack with each other and we were able to kind of get over it but we didn't talk about it I went back to his house and there was a poem that alcohol made our relationship steady we shouted out the buck fast made out of a ball of bucky in me he was sitting on the bush and I was whisking it and we sat and we cried together we figured it out he apologised for his part I didn't feel like I had anything to apologise for apart from not being loyal to him I felt like he wasn't loyal to me so we figured it out and we got back on a good path whenever I say smoke that was a funny fucker I remember one time he never got a paranoid on me he was like I do get very paranoid whenever I smoke I used to trip balls I don't even know why I smoked it One of my first times doing bongs and I had my hands in my pocket and was doing this here like a motorbike on the way home and every time I did this my fucking hips got moving I was looking speeding up but I remember one time smoking in his house and then having this paranoid fit that I didn't lock my house and something bad was going to happen to my baby brother and my dad turned around to me and he was like look what's the worst thing that's going to happen is you're going to go home and he's dead you know he sent me fucking boogaloo I remember another time my dad had strange friends power military friends friends that had been done in by power military and there was this one guy that had a sex pact on to him asked whenever to get your fuck hey it looks to get your arms get your knees, get your ankles and shit through them and like this guy fucked me he was telling meft of kids or some shipment so that's why he got done and he gave me a big bong two little nuggets that I busted up and put into a bong and shit you not everybody in that room had something out to get me they were all planning on ratting on me to the fucking cops or some shipment and I was going to get put in jail forever I don't even know what the fuck I was being paranoid about I just remember looking at them thinking none of them trusted me none of them wanted me there to get me and I was going to jail you know I sat there like why like in cameras and all in the room it too is why I'm saying cameras used to freak me the fuck out because I know this is going out to a few hundred thousand people maybe a few million people maybe not even you know what I mean but like calm fuck I know it's like hey fuck off I know it's people that's not in this room right now we're going to see it and I don't know who you're getting people are you know and that makes me paranoid on the weed mint that makes me ten times worse because that's all I can think about that's who's watching me who's watching me I had this big bong mint and that broke down in front of the mall mint couldn't explain why you know and I know I'm not the only person like that as you said yourself mint do you get fucking boogily on that wee bit mint and I know friends that if I'm boogily on it you know but I still believe it is a good fucking thing if you use it right otherwise it wouldn't be a medicine mint otherwise if people could overdose on it that's the thing that nobody can overdose on weed nobody can even attempt to because it's impossible you know you could smoke your own body with and then maybe that'll kill you but it's not going to be the marijuana it kills you it's going to be you smoked yourself out it was the pizzas that was killing me bro so it was I believe don't agree with it now because I believe everybody should be in that conscience for you I smoked it for 12 years but I still believe that it did save my life because when I was on the booze of the gear it took me to different heights of aggression the weed took me back and made me as a recluse to trying to figure it all out and eventually I did figure it all out and I realised okay it's time to spread the wings and go out in the world James and try and make some from your life but if I didn't take the weed on the other stuff they just got worse I think because there was a different character on the drink and coke the weed I just wanted to chill with the other stoneers my big pal Franny and he voiced you up from Fenniston just puff weed some play the computer eat pizzas at the time that you think back I do miss it as well but I was lazy anyway so when I smoked it I was even lazier I'm still lazy and my life is going great so that's why I need to stay on this path because I get more done so if I was to drink I'd start puffing weed man and everything I'd just take two steps back I believe but like I said I believe every plant has its purpose on this planet if you use it correctly I'm not a fucking scientist I'm not some expert but I do genuinely believe every plant is growing from the earth can make positive changes in your life so when you had the breakdown what was that feeling like for you that side courses was it hearing voices, was it seeing things was the tics 100 times worse the tics weren't even a problem at that point in time the tics weren't the least of my issues I was hearing things seeing things but then things I felt were put there by God because I got real mad and I believe Sheeva was my God my proper mate you ask any of my friends mate I was praying to Sheeva Sheeva is an Indian deity that loves the weed Google that, that's on Google and I believe Sheeva was talking to me because my brain had been opened up on the new fucking platform on the new world bro my brain was on it definitely wasn't Earth it definitely was not I was getting closer and closer to death and the gods were seeing me and they were hearing me and they were trying to use me and I feel like because I welcomed Sheeva into my life mate people are going to say I'm fucking nuts bro because people did say I'm nuts but again it happened to me mate I'm allowed to talk about it it's not allowed to tell too many people because they'll lock you up in a mental health institute which is better for you like before back 100 years ago, 300 years ago it would have stoned me in the streets it would have fucking hung me up and killed me mate but it's a different world now mate people are able to have their freedom of speech where did you go? where did they take you? I went to the Ulster first worst mistake I ever made I went there because it was the closest hospital to me and I needed help I'm under no illusion mate I was going through psychosis I needed help mate I went into that hospital they kept me waiting 9 hours I understand the NHS is busy mate they kept me waiting their 9 fucking hours and I was not suicidal mate I didn't want to kill myself anymore I had made a mirror frame on turning into a photo frame a painter that put lights on I had actually created something out of my mind on a bit of paper and that woke me up out of my depression whenever I put my hands to work and set the challenge and achieved it you know? where did this fuck mate? but it did so I wasn't feeling suicidal anymore but then after I came out of the depression all suicidal thoughts went into psychosis went to the Ulster looking for help they ended up pretty much sedating me and sending me home which is fucking stupid you know what I mean? I was obviously crazy enough to be sedated but I'm not crazy enough to accept to get the help I was looking so what happened was they it's all a blur to be fair mate but I remember doctors holding me down and me telling them not to touch me because at the end of the day I remember them trying to take my blood to start off with because they obviously didn't believe that it was only weed that it was on so they wanted to check to see what else it was on because they don't trust people so I said to them I will let you take my blood mate and check me mate I'm not scared of needles you've seen me ink just fucking whip it out here now I've got needles to my skin mate I've had, as I say about this hair fucking thing I wasn't scared to get that done mate later and got it done because that's what medical professionals are meant to do help you and I let them try to take my blood again mate I've been partying it wasn't just weed I was on I was drinking like fuck mate I was dehydrated I hadn't been eating right hadn't been sleeping and they couldn't get my blood I'm not sure why mate I told them it was because God didn't want them to take my blood so then they tried again couldn't get my blood and then at that point I was starting to not trust them so I was like you know what it is mate you're not having my blood anymore don't do it again my human right if I tell you not to take my blood mate my human right is for you not to have my blood you know so from then on they tried to persuade me to take my blood and mate I came to this point where I had fed up with it but then they turned around to me and said well you're not leaving until it's done and I was like mate I came here willingly am I not allowed to leave willingly you know what I mean and they were like no we'll get the police on you and I was like for fuck's sake what the hell I did nothing wrong to anybody and you're gonna get the police on me what the fuck is going on so I ended up trying to sit down which I couldn't do because I was scared I was panicking and there was like eight doctors nurses around me all trying to hold me down to get my blood which I didn't want them to have then they told me if I didn't calm down they were going to sedate me so which I pointed out I said okay okay let me fucking calm down they got me sat down in this real comfortable chair mate tried to get me to relax but there were still eight nine eight fuck off go hey a ball bag fucker hey a couple of ball bag fuckers around me made pure cunts is the way I see it now just staring at me looking at me like I'm fucking crazy which I was but like I didn't do anything to hurt nobody and they were trying to grab me and threw me down on the bed to get my blood and eventually like I sat down willingly let them do it and they ended up just sedating me anyway sedated me got me top on this I characters sent me home from there my psychosis got way worse way way worse mate fucking back home mate trying to sort out my house cos I had I had made some room in my house and I was trying to put a a lot of my stuff into the spare room and just sort that there out to be like a fair bit gaming room for myself create videos and stuff and mate I was just going nuts my brother called him round to come help me mate and he was able to see how nuts it was going the old that I knew that my friend and coach he was coming down to talk me into going up to his house cos I had already arranged to get a boot over to England for some fucking mad reason mate I was going to go see my nanny and run away from this shit instead of facing it like a man mate I was going to go and from Nigel coming up to me he brought me back to his house where him and his wife were able to talk me into going to hospital again and giving it another chance and they were going to stick with me to full time and I trusted them it was 100% so I let them stick with me the whole time mate and ended up going to the royal hospital and Belfast mate and got all the help I needed and they sat me down and they interviewed me and they got my blood you know they got my blood very easily might I add like they didn't need to freak me out didn't need to scare me, didn't need to threaten me to get it cos I willingly went there and willingly wanted them to have my blood they got it How long did you stay there for? Matty hours before they put me into the city hospital from the city hospital I'm not fucking hateful so it was again full of people that are wrong I'm not from my jack of commas when I've been this bitch from the city hospital I went to the hospital in downtown Patrick again I left the city cos there was nobody there I could relate to Is that a psychiatric ward? They were all psychiatric wards The reason I didn't like the city is cos it was all locked locked and key to get everywhere I didn't need to be imprisoned I just needed to be around people that I could talk to and that would listen to me and would help me and again mental health isn't very well well spread because people with mental health problems can't be trusted and cos you can't be trusted no nurses doctors are gonna trust you and for you to get better in your mental health you need trust it's a fucked up system So how is that then at 23 and they're locking in a psychiatric ward with other people who are really struggling and don't know what the fucking data is some of them that you're looking around thinking am I losing my shit here it's a real life, what goes through your mind? I find God whenever a psychosis started to hit I started walking home I had like a 5-6 mile walk cos again someone booked me a taxi and I didn't believe him so I walked at home from Helms Bay and I got lost in Helms Bay for a good couple of hours just trying to figure my way and I've said to myself well I was having conversations with God in my head the entire time knocking on people's door asking for help no one would help me because of coronavirus no one trusts anymore no one wants to come to their door cos coronavirus is a good excuse to say who the people are for physical contact I'm not getting close to you not that you're charging phone in my fucking house what type of person do you think I am so I ended up walking home from there and conversations with God the entire time and I ended up getting home out of being lost I found a train station I knew my way home from the train station walked along the coast and I can remember looking up seeing free stars and this guy just reaching up with my hand grabbing the free stars and pulling them down and said these are mine and fucking knew what that means now but I'll find meaning for it eventually Were you high on medication then? No, I'm high on alcohol and weed but at the same time I didn't feel too high I just felt normal cos I was doing it every single day for the last two years and I've been drinking a lot the month of November so it felt normal I didn't want to die but I'd made something for a friend and I felt like that was more precious than me in anything cos it was the first time that I'd been able to feel good and whenever I felt good every feeling came back cos it wasn't depressed anymore and depression is like numbness it's like proper numb, good times feel good but they're not really good cos there's something in your head telling you that you're not meant to have them good times So over the last few weeks how have you bolt things back obviously you've been getting stronger we've been speaking quite frequently in the last few weeks and you've been ready to tell your story how have you managed to put everything together have you stopped drinking, stopped smoking weed? I will smoke weed again like I will but obviously whenever I went in the hospital I got handed weed from a friend before I went in and I handed it back whenever I was in the hospital cos I didn't want it I'll do what I want it, battling me if it's putting you in psychiatric words and maybe it comes a time where you can't be able to smoke it again bro I ain't a fucking doctor but coming from somebody who smoked it as well I was losing my shit and it all felt sane but I was just so used to being thinking insane once you come off it you start seeing the world clear it takes months to for it to make sense because you're living in that bubble for so long it's like such a weird bubble it's like a smoky bubble we are not really in reality because you're hanging about with other smokers normal couldn't wait to go to my friend's house, get a few joints play the computer, phone a pizza, same kind of routine and I'm a father, I've got kids I should be doing the fucking manly thing putting down the joints and being a dad and the worst two, three months coming off that in the gambling was painful experience fucking painful but I always try to stop smoking weed you know yourself, you try to stop for a week, two weeks and you feel great and fresh, you think fuck I'll have a joint for you know your six months deep again and you're buying on it it's just that you feel as if but you're looking great, you're talking great is that not going to give you the incentive to kick on and give it up that you worry about that you can go back then I know I'm going to go back but there's no worry no to the psychiatric world why you're smoking again that's kind of one reason I got off because everybody was telling me if you smoke this here there's a chance you can go into permanent psychosis but I also knew that it wasn't just the weed because whenever I first started smoking I felt great I was six foot, seven foot tall and I was able to pick it up and drop it the way I can do alcohol the way I can do every other aspect of my life bar fitness because if I do that with fitness I'm going to turn into a lazy fucker as you just said you know but I know I'm not lazy I know I've got goals to achieve so as long as I keep trying to achieve them goals I don't see a problem with bringing a little bit of weed alongside with me just as long as it doesn't get up and it never will again James it never will again that hole in my root as soon as I've root that root I handed my last 50g of tobacco to a nurse and I handed it to her and I said don't give me that back that was in December when I was in the hospital and nor will I ever touch tobacco again my joints will be pure my alcohol may not be pure mixed with a weeb of the red bull but I'm never touching tobacco again it took both my parents my mum died of an aneurysm attack it was not tobacco related but I'm guaranteeing you right now the smoking didn't help my dad died of cancer by the time we caught it it was riddled through his body it was killing him no idea how it started by the time we got to it it was riddled through him there was no stopping it where do you go from here then brother I wanna fight I'm gonna fight and it will probably kill me quicker than weed but it's better if I try it's better to try God loves a try so I'm gonna try on my social media now I'm gonna try to benefit me as well fuck off you gypsy fucking assholes go fuck off the gypsy assholes who makes other one of gypsies at my door you can flag every country else mate but no the gypsies come to my door boys we'll have the crack we'll have the crack it's fucking uncontrollable fuck sake because your youtube's got over 300,000 subscribers your facebook's got over 800,000 followers is it not mid 7,9 something fucking still plenty bro that no but mate I only get like this one say I'm bro I let it all die and see now that I'm bringing it back but off and be able to see who was about me for what it was actually the friend that I created something for she said why don't you show them the real you and the real me is the me that these guys have always seen on the videos but the real me is also this guy that can talk can sit down here for a couple of hours and have a conversation and that's why I started streaming again the thing is not everybody wants to watch me for a lot of the time they want to see them a few tics that make everybody laugh like fuck they don't give a fuck about Lewis Nicholl they only give a fuck about techboy but cueball because cueball is a legend you know that there cueball is just a figment of your imagination Nicholl is a real guy he has Tourette's mate he's got through life with his Tourette's he shows you a little bit of his life but shit it's not all of him but people see you differently after this aren't you people see you for who you are and what you're about what your struggles is and what you've had to go through the same as myself I thought fuck we'll probably have a laugh today but all my conversations are quite deep they're the deepest fuck man I talk about my struggles as well because people who watch my stuff maybe watch 200 interviews they'll be thinking fuck he's talking about the same shit again but it's the first time I've spoken about my struggles with you so it's to connect with the guest to understand that we're all struggling we're all fucking going through some sort of torment and misery and hell but you can push out that hell you can make yourself better you can make your life better you can make adjustments positivity to feel more enhanced to feel more at ease we don't have all the answers we'll never have all the answers we can keep lying let's scruff up at least three hours hey scruff go ahead on take him over bro I don't want them tripping over one that's okay mate but mate that's what life's about mate that's connecting with people and mate you can tell your story 200 times your audience is going to listen to you say it 200 times because they've connected with you he's on the joys bro mate that there's the biggest connection I have that's why he's here with me do you think that's one of the main reasons why you're still here mate I'm not sure it was one of the main reasons but I'd say it's given me more purpose than any person ever has and that's all everybody's looking right there's a little bit of purpose yeah dogs are the best thing on this planet mate they're fucking awesome mate as you said mate see that connecting with people that's the most important thing in this planet mate it doesn't matter that you've told your story 200 times you've told it to me now mate and you've understood mine and I can understand yours and understanding is what's going to push us to live a wee bit longer mate because you have someone to relate to and I now have someone to relate to as well mate you smoked 12 years mate granted I haven't smoked 12 years but I smoked a lot since I was 17 mate and made it put my head away same way I put your head away and mate that's a connection that not a lot of people fucking have cos especially here in this wee country mate no weeds being portrayed in the UK the same way fucking heroin has mate what are the differences mate do you try heroin once again mate can you try weed once mate you'll hit the munchies really hard mate yeah but you try it over a period of time then it will certainly affect you so just don't need to be careful broren I get what you're saying I have no position to tell people to do this and do that but you will figure it out you're not daft you know what's right for you and you know what's wrong 100 for you to start getting a fight and creating fight people that people would be thinking he's not a fighter I've never seen this but you've got a potential to do anything they fucking want in life and you've already got this far by being you and pushing through the pain you're here for a fucking reason it's all about proving people wrong but it's also about proving yourself fucking right that you've got something special in you and everybody has and I don't give a fuck how many times I repeat that shit that everybody's got greatness in them everyone's unique mate everybody is mate in the psychiatry you've got you've got three parts of your brain you've got that monkey side you've got that human side and then you've got that god creator side you know what I mean at least ask the way I think it is I did read a video that a fan had sent me mate I read into it a wee bit and they asked kind of the way the psychiatrists do tell it and mate I believed it if we are humble enough to god to ask him for things and ask for forgiveness is the main thing if you're humble enough to turn around to god and say you know what I am not perfect I am only human I have a shit load to learn and if you will teach me how to control myself and how to control my life then I will achieve great things you know and it's whatever your ambitions are that you can't achieve but you have to be ambitious enough to go out there and do it have you ever had a job? yeah mate yeah yeah what was it like working in a working environment? stress moment depends what the job is I'm starting KFC but my fucking my thing tomorrow to go in and deal with people no fuck me no no no no that caramel fuck apparently apparently you don't want to burn your fucking dick off apparently you don't want to cross train me now and like fuck me I don't need a drive-thru for the crack like you will make a video with it surely that would go viral back in like you said you was rising your pain as a strength as well saying sometimes you know what fuck it and having fun with that do you ever speak sometimes when you think what the fuck have I just said and how to fix a giggle yourself yeah yeah mate everybody does everybody has to oh my fucking god did I say that some people are able to go I'm just fucking near the dick by the way other people go oh fucks sake everybody in this room hates me now mate I do both because I'm human I'm the same because obviously when you're talking if I'm thinking fuck me I've got nothing but love you but then when you're hitting outburst sometimes I think fuck me that's funny as well because I'm a dark blaster as well I love some dark humour and because when I shouldn't laugh sometimes it makes me laugh even more I don't know how many times I get through out a fucking class because everyone's the same I was laughing at things I shouldn't be laughing at people can tell me a joke and I'll think that ain't funny but I'll see some poor bastard falling down the stairs mate and I'm off for her now that was fucking awesome it's fucking good to laugh as well it's laughing you're paying laugh at your misery because sometimes it's the fucking best medicine and that can be something I get but it must be different for yourself though because you're battling with something every single day mate I'm the same as you as much as I'm different that's what I'm saying mate we're human we're not perfect but we're all the same but we're all unique I have the same sort of shit mate because anybody sees anybody accidentally get hit in the balls mate they're going to laugh like fuck I need the balls to spawn the other day mate and I could laugh at my own pain but at the same time I was like as you say I'm battling something every day mate I'm just my battle mate you know what I mean to me that's just life do you think you're at a stage now you can rebrand yourself and be that guy who can then help people with it still have a laugh with it but it's still pretty serious do you know what this is fucking mean I ain't going to try and make jokes about everything 24x7 because that then consumes you and also becomes draining because that then becomes a character mate 100% believe that I am on the right path to do the right thing to help myself first and a lot of people after because without me being 100% which I'm not there yet I'm under no illusion mate I've been out of hospital all month I'm under no illusion mate I'm not 100% better but I am on a right path to making myself the most positive the most the best version of myself mate unless at the end of the day I don't want to stay a chief I wish I walk a life you come from there's people I've met people mate I've been in McLaren's I've met people that have money mate I've sat in the room I've sat in that dinner with the Prince of Dubai one of them one of the princes of Dubai who has the fucking airlines companies I looked at him mate and I thought he has all that money he was stuck in this room too he was stuck on his own head at points too just because he has all that money he didn't make him a better person than I am I was able to go into a bar and have to crack with him and relate to him in ways granted I wasn't able to sit and have a drink together but we were sitting he was buying me drinks at the table he was being generous enough to me because he had the money to do it but at the same time mate I was able to make him laugh I said to him fuck yous are talking about all these airline companies mate and they started asking me what I have mate I have a dog called Scruffmint he's a really good boy he had the same reaction he had a laugh and had a crack because he knew what the dog is because he's human mate he's able to understand me mate dogs have that unconditional love for everybody bro for anybody that's watching this maybe going through a bit of mental health just now what advice would you give for them ask for help talk to the people that you love mate don't be afraid to ask for that help mate obviously there's shit going on in your head some of it's real some of it's not and you can't tell the difference because reality has been figmented in your own head not everybody out there hits you there is people out there that love you and you just need to look for them people that want to be there and support you and if you live in the UK if you live in Ireland if you live in a country that's not like third world mate you are entitled to go out there and get that help and it's not there to make you feel worse it's not there so other people can take the piss out of you mental health institutes mental health hospitals they're all there to help you feel better but you have to be the one to put in the work a doctor can't fix your brain mate you're the only person living with that your whole life you're the only person living with them negative thoughts a real man holds on to what he believes sets gold to achieve whereas his hardness leaves sets gold to his achieve holds on to what he believes and won't make them excuse for his sneeze you know what I mean do shit to make yourself feel better and watch the rest of your life come into place let go of people that make you feel worse put yourself around people that are out there to make themselves better hit the gym eat right fucking run if you can there's someone out there that can't fucking run and he's probably happier than you because he's doing something else to make himself feel a little fucking better you know so like get out of your own head put yourself out there into the world and ask for fucking help lad I can't express that enough talk to the people that you love a lot of people are going to watch this and I'm going to want to message you so where can people contact you fuck you can hit me up on instagram fuck off any fucks on the facebook page loosecubornickel youtube channel youtube channel is loosecubornickel again mate it's all there for you really to watch mate you've probably seen it and haven't clicked on it you should have clicked you'll leave all the links for your description would you like to finish up on anything my brother mate again thank you for the opportunity mate thank you for the patience thank you for putting in the effort lad because that's all everybody needs mate a little bit of time and effort from somebody that they might know or they might not know goes a long fucking labour and again God is good because he put us in a room together hi brother Loose listen, for a such a young man you've got a great mindset, it's good to see you on a good path everything you've done over the years it's been phenomenal to still be here kicking on and fighting, I've got nothing but loving respect for you you know I'm here if you ever need me and just keep doing what you're doing and I look forward to see what you do for the future my brother mate you'll be a part of it God bless you