 Hey I don't really know how to start this because it's like one of those situations where you have so much to say But like so much so that you don't have anything to say, but hi I in case you didn't know you may not have noticed most of you probably didn't notice But I did take a break from this channel for like the last three months, and I'm still Contemplating how frequently I want to come back I'm still kind of playing around with that And I just thought I would like catch up with you and let you know sort of why I took a break Give you a little bit more of an explanation than just sort of the glazed over version that I gave in a community post When I decided to take a break, but basically I just woke up one day, and I was like And we'll get into all that but it genuinely feels so good to be filming this right now Like I was really excited when I was getting ready because there was especially during the last three months a time Where I like I really thought I was never gonna do this again So we'll get into all that but hi over the last six years or so I have vlogged pretty regularly like twice a week every single week and I've never really missed apart from when I take breaks after vlog Miss and I don't know I just really needed to reassess my relationship with YouTube because I've been filming YouTube videos for 10 years now I had my 10 year anniversary for my main channel back in January, and I'm so sorry in advance for how loud it is outside It's just I live in LA so it's just par for the course But I like you know 10 years ago I started my main channel and at the time I was a waitress I was waiting tables full-time and then I would like get up really early in the morning and film a YouTube video and then go To work and then come home from work and edit the video and then like wake up extra early before my shift the next day You know that type of thing and then it became my full-time job and then you know I don't know three or four years into having a YouTube channel. I Got a second channel. It was the kind of the thing that everyone used to do back in the day It was like, okay, you have your main channel for your main channel content, which is like, you know sit down videos That's what YouTube used to be anyway, and then you have your separate channel for vlogs It was just very important for me to keep that content separate And I have mixed opinions about that now like if I would ever combine my channels and just do like Two uploads a week on my main channel and do like a vlog and like a thrifting video or something So I don't know we'll see how that goes in the future, but for now I really do actually like having them separate so anyway once I started vlogging I was from like, you know still very much like the old school YouTube mentality of vlogging And I feel like I was just incredibly open and vulnerable Which I you know have a lot of respect for myself for doing that takes a lot of bravery to like be super open about Everything in your life, but I don't know the older. I've gotten you know, I'm 35 now Which is crazy which makes me you know a dinosaur in YouTube years But I you know since turning 30 and then just progressing in my 30s I've just become a lot more protective of my privacy and my peace And so like I feel like over the years YouTube has changed a lot the landscape of YouTube has changed a lot YouTube has become like super mainstream. It's like a dream career for a lot of like they do like surveys of kids in elementary school And they're like I want to be a youtuber and I love this job. I just have to say I love this job so much And I am so grateful for this job for someone who's neurodivergent like me and really struggles with like Authority and keeping long-term jobs being my own boss and being able to do this and connect with you all is Genuinely my dream come true like I could not dream of a better jobs and I've said this before I will literally ride this thing till the wheels fall off like I just love YouTube. I'm a YouTube viewer I'm a YouTube fan YouTube genuinely means so much to me I had no idea that when I first started watching like viral videos in 2006 like shoes and Muffins and David after the dentist and stuff that like YouTube would be my career someday But anyways, I'm getting off track when I first started making vlogs I just was a little bit more open than I feel comfortable with now and I was that way on my main channel too I've since like private at all my story time videos Private in a bunch of old vlogs just things that I don't feel like super comfortable Sharing on the internet anymore and that's just due to like boundaries changing and stuff And I think that that's like really important for a lot of creators to do and just people in their day-to-day life Like reassessing where you're at and seeing what you're comfortable sharing and keeping things for yourself So anyways, I've been trying to strike that balance for many years And I feel like I've done a pretty good job of like figuring out what I am and am not comfortable sharing But I don't know it was just Where do I begin with this it was just a thought in the back of my mind for a really long time how You know the Downsides of this job can be really low sometimes and you can kind of equate a lot of Comments and things that you get on the internet to like your value as a person because people are commenting on you as a person And I think there's one thing about like my main channel mostly being like fashion and testing viral products and thrifting and all that kind Of stuff when someone like leaves a critical comment It's just kind of like oh, okay Like that's something I can improve on or if someone's like lol your fat like that doesn't bother me But sometimes the comments on my vlogs, you know, because it's me and my life and my personal life and what I'm choosing to share It's like usually about my personality or my relationships or your perception of like the five minutes that I show you of whatever thing I'm doing and it can feel really yucky sometimes to you know It's like you have that voice in your head, right? Everyone has that voice in their head that says like the nastiest thing about yourself and then to have other people say those things Is really painful. It's really painful. And so I am not making this video to get sympathy at all whatsoever I am totally fine. I am in a great place mentally I think I just want to vent a little bit and just like put this out there have it be a little bookmark and then move on You know, I also just hate the idea of addressing negativity online So I will keep this really brief because Sometimes I feel like it comes across as like really ungrateful when creators are like constantly talking about negativity It's just part of what comes with this job But on the other hand it does really have an effect on like your mental health at times So I thought that I would just kind of like briefly touch on it and say my piece and then wipe my hands clean of it And go about my life So similar to like what I mentioned before You know when you put yourself out there online and you feel like you're just genuinely trying to like connect people or Like have something for you to put on when you're like doing your laundry or cooking or hanging out or whatever It can feel so shocking sometimes to receive such Hateful like vicious negative comments that are just so Charged emotionally and they're these long paragraphs about you and who you are and how disappointed they are in you and how they've watched you for so Many years and that one thing you did just ruined it for them all these different things and it's like the most minute thing It genuinely shocks me every time like it's something that completely comes out of left field and I'm literally left scratching my head being like What that's what you took from that I think what really hurts the most is having people just assume the worst of you Especially when for me anyway, I really value myself on like being a decent person Of course, I've had things in my past that you know have been less than favorable But I always try to like grow and learn from those things and like just be better So when someone picks something and then is like you're a bad person or you know Just it's like a real bummer when someone just assumes that you have the worst of intentions or that you meant the worst possible thing Or taking something and twisting it and making it into something. It's not everything, you know And I mean I could go through a laundry list of things that I have been like accused of or assumed of me over the years like that I'm lying about my sexuality for Popularity or that me not disclosing certain things about my personal life is me trying to hide it or that my Relationship is x y and z like you know, there's all these different things. These are like actual I don't want to get into like cuz it's it's just nasty But yeah, even though the majority of you are so incredible and I'll get into that more in a minute There is like a small group of people who yeah are just committed to like really really not liking me Just really hating me and I just feel like after reading it for so many years I noticed that you know over the last I would say a few months it really started like getting in my head and Warping my own perception of myself and it was actually starting to scare me a little bit most of the time I'm just able to let it roll off or I'll just have a moment where I'm frustrated and then I'm like, okay Whatever and then I move on but I don't know what it was There were just certain things that I was like, you know I was starting to live my life Picturing people's comments in my head and it just started getting into my head a lot and so yeah Just one day I was you know working and reading comments and whatever and I just had this little voice in my head That was like you don't have to do this. You don't have to do this You don't have to put your personal life on the internet if you don't want to it was just this like huge Eye-opening moment for me because yeah, my main channel is like my job and my vlog channel is just kind of for fun I mean it is part of my job, but I don't it's it was extra. It's just like an add-on It's like a second channel type of thing So it was that combined with balancing upload schedules for two channels and I'm the only person who works for myself I don't have a team. I have since hired a manager, which is amazing who helps move with like brand deals and stuff But I don't have an editor. I don't have like anyone that works with me full-time I don't have a staff so it's literally just me and it can be really difficult And I think I was just burning it at both ends for like Literally six years as long as I've had this second channel and I just needed a break I just needed to like figure out the balance of having two channels and how I want to go about that And I still haven't quite figured it out yet, but I just needed a break I just needed to like take a little take a little beat and I do think like naively I took this break And I was like yeah, okay now I'm just gonna focus on my main channel content and like I'm not gonna get any bad comments anymore because I'm not talking about me and my life Hello, there's a fly. I was thinking oh because my main channel is more fashion content And my vlog channel is more my life is the content I was like once I switch back to the main channel that all of that will go away and No, it didn't I just realized that it's just being online. It's not, you know, specifically one channel or another I guess one hurts a little bit more than the other But it's just part of being on the internet and it's part of dealing with the job So it really helps to know that like everybody who makes content is going through the same thing And I again, I'm not looking for sympathy at all whatsoever I am so grateful to have this job and I love it so much But after taking a break from vlogging which is something that I love doing by the way I love filming vlogs. I love editing vlogs, but I think just after a while I realized that my vlogs were becoming a part of like my regular upload schedule my regular content So I was filming things just to have a vlog to upload instead of just you know Filming something when I feel like it and feel like putting it out there And I was really just filming a whole lot of nothing which I know a lot of people enjoy And it's just sort of like the the routine the habit, you know And you enjoy watching someone cooking food and you know showing new things that they buy for their apartment or whatever And I still will do that But I think I just like became so Deadline focused that like I really kind of lost sight of why I enjoy doing this so much I ended up in turn just like pulling out the camera even when I didn't want to because I had like a deadline Making my life my content and focusing a lot on that just really started to feel weird for me And so yeah, I took a break and even though the comments were a part of it That was also another part of it So all of that combined was what led me to sort of taking a break And I really feel like I had the time to step back and recenter recalibrate, you know set some more boundaries and realize that you You are never ever ever going to be able to satisfy everyone I am one person I cannot possibly possibly be 100% relatable to like almost 70,000 people like that's just impossible And I think with like tick-tock and just the way that social media has gone a little bit more lately It does feel like there's this sort of like problem that some people have with a Content that isn't made specifically for them people get really like offensive and like honestly kind of aggressive when something isn't Directly catered to them and you know something that they wouldn't personally do and so I just realized that yeah at the end of the day Like one person cannot possibly be agreeable and relatable to every single person who comes across their content So I just have to be as authentic as I possibly can or I will suffocate I come from a family of very strong individuals like my family are all just like Individualists like we all march to the beat of our own drum and we just are who we are Especially my dad. I really get a lot of that from my dad I only know how to be Carrie and that's what I'm gonna continue to do So if you know that doesn't align with you or whatever That's totally okay that we part ways if there's just been this little inkling thing where you're like There's something I don't like about her. You don't have to follow me. It's absolutely okay I will not take any offense to it. Whatever I unfollow people all the time all that being said Sorry for the ramble. I'm I am gonna continue blogging because I really really do enjoy it I felt a little emotional there. I'm gonna stuff that back down Cuz I am a Capricorn and that's what I do my Pisces rising tried to come up a little bit And I was like no absolutely not we don't have time for that I love vlogging so so much and I miss it I miss seeing those familiar names in the comments and connecting with you all about just like the most mundane things I love feeling like we have just this little corner of the internet That's just random and like weird and fun and mostly people like in our 30s Just trying to navigate life and we're from all different stages of life Some of us are mom some of us are single some of us are college students some of us are doctors Like we're all just doing our thing and hanging out together a few minutes a week And it just means the world to me and I miss it. I really really do so I don't know like with what? Consistency I will keep uploading on this channel But I really want to keep doing it because I miss it and that's it So I just want to say if you have been if this is your first video you're clicking on or if you've been watching for a While like thank you so much You will never ever ever ever know how much it means to me and how just deeply I feel gratitude and love and appreciation for all of you because you've totally changed my life and We've been through it all together. Okay, we've been through moves from different states different houses Different neighbors and all these fun things that I want to keep doing together Just maybe in like a little bit more of a boundary way, of course I think for a while this channel just didn't feel like as safe for me. Like I was just kind of like ooh That's not a safe place. I don't want to go there But then I realized that it's like literally my place and I can determine how safe I make it and I hope that that will Like spill over to you in your own life, and I hope that you're doing the same thing You know you are in charge of your own life who has access to you who you keep in your inner circle and you keep close And whatever um, you know, yeah, just kind of There's so much noise I'm so sorry, but yeah, I'm just sort of like taking the reins back a little bit and being like, okay You know what actually you don't get to come into my house and like, you know Tell me that all of my decor is ugly like you can leave you can leave if you don't like it here But all of us we're gonna be chilling here because we do like it here There's no padlock on the door like you can come and go as you please most screaming outside the door Things are just as as normal. They're resuming as normal. I'm really excited I feel really excited and ready to just jump back into this and You know hang out with you all if you have any questions or you want me to do maybe like a maybe I'll do for the next We'll do like a Q&A slash life updates and I'll just kind of let you know what I've been up to I did film a vlog like right before I took a break or at least some footage of a vlog So maybe I'll include that in the future as well the lost files if you will but yeah, just thank you so much Thank you so much for the people who get me and understand me I appreciate you and you mean the world to me. Thanks for sticking around. It really means a lot And I'll see you very soon in a new vlog