 So you want me to do this thing I really don't have you know I have too much on my plate I can't do it right now But I do know this junior person who might jump at this idea And so I'm gonna solve your problem and I give this to somebody else and I'm not gonna feel bad about it Because I'm doing a no and right. I'm creating value for like people over there What's up everybody and welcome to the show today we drop great content each and every week And we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that You're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends Well, that's the other thing keep in mind about social engineers. They also Condition us to believe that they'll get all the information from one source What in actuality all they need is little tiny bits of information from everyone on the team to assemble that to Get the full password to get the phone number there after the information So we now understand that in face-to-face interactions. We're less likely to call people out we're also less likely to just say no and You touched on this a little bit earlier and some of the work you did that drew you into this But we've seen this phenomenon time and time again with our clients one of the biggest fears They come to us with is rejection whether that be on a date whether that be socially or even asking for a raise Or a promotion at work. I don't want to hear no No is like the scariest word in the world and one of the exercises we would do while out is say, okay The goal is for you to get a no so instead of focusing on getting a yes The goal is to get a no go out and collect five nos And I'll never forget. We were out one night and one of our clients came back holding a car key And he said I did the no challenge and this guy just handed me the key to his 9-11 and We're like wait wait that wasn't the challenge so you're supposed to get nose But he now realized that in face-to-face interactions. We very often won't hear no will anticipate a negative reaction We'll anticipate the worst thing in the world and then we can ask the guys sitting next to us at the bar Hey, can I borrow your car? He can look at us knowing us for 30 seconds feel trusting and say yeah, sure take it Take it for a spin. I hope you know how to drive a stick So why is it that there's this fear embedded in us? And how can we work to counter it to really get that promotion to get the date to get what we really would like? Yeah, it's funny So this fear of no is huge right this fear of rejection and it's evolutionary, right? If we were social creatures a no is like being distanced or cast out of the group right being rejected socially So it's not surprising that it would be so painful We also tend to attribute that no to things like ourselves like oh, they said no because it's something about me or The relationship they said no because we're not really as close as I thought we were or the thing We're asking right they said no because I shouldn't be asking for this thing and in fact most knows our Circumstantial most knows are I can't do this right now because I don't have time or you know I'm not an expert in this or I just don't have the money for this right now or whatever it might be and The interesting thing as you said we're so focused on The rejection that fear of rejection that we forget that it's actually really hard to be the one doing the rejecting Right and it involves all the same things So when you reject someone you're pushing them away, right? You want you don't want to damage a social connection Just like you don't want to be rejected and think a social connection is damaged You don't want to be the one damaging a social connection Insinuating something negative about the other person It's super awkward and uncomfortable to say no and so as you kind of said like people are less likely to say no Even to these crazy requests and we've shown this as well in our studies, right? Then we tend to think when they do it's a lot harder than we tend to realize We think that people just find it pretty easy to say no So we have studies where we ask people who have been rejected romantically how easy was it that for that person to Reject you they think it was pretty easy But then we ask the other person they're like that was really hard to say no You know, it's it actually took a lot and I sort of had to cope with everything afterwards Yeah, and so I think the one big thing is of course Recognizing that our fears are pretty unfounded that in most cases, you know People are probably more inclined to say yes to us than we realize and then not attributing that no to something about us Or something about the relationship and remembering that it probably is Circumstantial The no is easier over email the no is easier digitally that it is in person And there was a study in the book that I found really fascinating around unattractive hypothetical people and their interest in you Versus unattractive real people and their interest in you and the results were pretty striking So if if they were told ahead of time in the study that these are hypothetical people Then the rejection would be pretty much a given no I'm not attracted to them, but if they were told that there's a real person behind this profile It shot up 20% so it was like 17% to 37% would not be rejected So why is it that it's in the situation of us actually knowing that there's another person's feelings behind it? In these situations even in dating where we might find ourselves saying yes to things that we don't actually mean Which could have really negative consequences for us We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that You're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends Yeah, you know, I love that study It's so funny because they pre-tested these photos to make sure they were like clearly unattractive people I kind of feel bad for the people in the studies But and then they showed them to participants and as you said, you know They they knew people for the most part wouldn't want to date these people because they had pre-tested it and when it was hypothetical They were like, yeah, no, but when it was a real person, they didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, right? They felt really bad about it and other research shows that actually people will in fact agree to go out with people They don't actually want to go out with because it's harder to say no and that then we get into sort of this tricky Situation right where one person's asking and they feel like someone could easily say no And if they do say yes that they must be really interested Whereas another person may feel like they're just kind of going along with it that they feel too bad to say no And then things get even trickier if there's sort of power dynamics if it's somebody work with, you know And then that can actually be kind of problematic Yeah, the power dynamics section was really interesting because many of us who are in a position of power Don't realize the compounding effects of the influence that we have So when we're making requests of people who have a lower position in the power hierarchy than us That comes up even more so like the the regret the Function of saying no carries much greater Consequences and you will see this with awkward advances at work You will see this with requests that are just really downright mean or demeaning of the people who work under you But they can't have the constitution to say no to those requests because not only do we want to save face with humans But also there's a power dynamic There's an impact to us saying no to these requests and we've all been on the receiving end of a horrible boss Who doesn't realize the influence that they wield and the fact that they're putting us in these positions So if you are a listener and you find yourself in a situation where you need to say no, but there is that power Dynamic what is a science show and how can we overcome that influence that's working against us? Yeah, and it's so true. It's so much harder to say no if someone's in a position of power But as we all know it's it's hard to say no to lots of things, you know people asking us to deal with situations We don't feel like dealing with that work or you know committees. We don't want to sit on or whatever it might be And so the research does show as we sort of noted before that face-to-face on the spot is the hardest time to say no Right in the moment. It's really hard to come up with the words We don't want to hurt someone's feelings We don't want to make the relationship Uncomfortable or damage the relationship in any way and so we want to come up with sort of a nice way to say it But we might not be able to in the moment and so often will default to just agreeing right because that's the easier path it's actually easier and the research shows that if you're kind of just reacting mindlessly like if someone asked to cut in line and you're Not really paying attention. We're just like sure. Yeah, you know because no is actually the harder thing to do And so one big suggestion is to get through that in-person immediate moment Get through it without saying yes or no, right? So you don't actually have to say no and get someone to follow up over email where you can think about what you want to Say you're not put on the spot. You don't have to say no to someone's face So that could be a really helpful thing and then my colleagues and I have been playing around with this idea of No, and so you know how improv has yes and yes and we thought this idea of instead of you know People think of like no, but but that's like doesn't have sort of the same ring no and like no I can't do this and I'm still gonna solve your problem in some way Especially with a boss this can be helpful, right and maybe I'll even create value for someone else So you want me to do this thing? I really don't have you know, I have too much on my plate I can't do it right now, but I do know this junior person who might jump at this idea And so I'm gonna solve your problem and I give this to somebody else and I'm not gonna feel bad about it Cuz I'm doing a no and right. I'm creating value for like people over there So I kind of love that idea as well Think this goes back to us discussing the rejection theory of getting a no as well The more you hear it you get these sensitized by it and it's doesn't carry its effect and also in Hearing the no that you realize there's not much coming after that other than that was it that was the whole thing and We tend to certainly empower dynamics. It's going to have a whole nother component to it, but we tend to sensationalize what's going to happen in getting that no and Make it out a lot worse than it than it needs to be and how do we? Detach ourselves from that by by getting as many nodes as possible and Sensitize I'd say also just to add to that that we show that in our studies that once you get a no As I said you tend to attribute it to something about you or that relationship with that person And so because of that you think I can't go to that person anymore with further future requests, right? We think like if I ask them for something again They're gonna say no again because they're just the type of person who says no They don't like me as much as I thought in fact when we have people follow up with someone after they get a no They're more likely to say yes the second time because they feel so bad about saying no the first time So if you still need something later, you can go back to that person And if we just totally blow up this no and make it so you know Distressing that we'll never go back to that person. We missed that opportunity of going back and asking them something else you