 Imagine this, you finished an elaborate project in your company, you were even praised for it but you felt it was not good enough or you cleaned up your entire house and now in less than an hour again you are cleaning up most of the places all over again. You logged your car, walked for a few paces, you gone back to check whether the car is logged or not. It happens not just once but twice, thrice, four times. If any of these situations sounds familiar to you then welcome to this workshop. On this workshop will be about perfectionism. I am Dr. Tarek Sani, I am a CBT practitioner. I won't give any more elaborate introduction because I am sure that the nice folks that has put a link in the description on this page somewhere which has got a yard long list and more. Dealing with perfectionism. What will the workshop entail? Of course we will understand what is perfectionism. Two thoughts of perfectionism that is the thoughts which are there within the perfectionism cycle. What keeps perfectionism going and we will finally learn how do we go about changing perfectionism. Jumping right into what is perfectionism. The world definition of perfectionism is perfectionism in the trade, the personality trade characterized by a person striving for flawlessness and setting impossibly high performance standards accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others evaluation and basing your self-worth on that. If you were to break this down it would be something like relentless striving for extremely high standards. Experiencing your self-worth based on ability to strive and achieve. Experiencing negative consequences of doing these two things yet continue. But you must say that generally it is good to have high standards and goals. I agree. It is good to strive for excellence but not for perfection. And perfectionism is a bad thing because it is not contextual whereas excellence is always contextual that is if you want to be the best it is in context of something. So that this is the vital difference between perfectionism and excellence. So perfectionism is bad because if I try to be perfectionist if I try to be flawless then I have no free time, no achievement is ever enough. I blame myself if things aren't done just try. I can't stand it when other people don't do the things my way. So this cuts both ways. It is not just self-critical I will be critical of other people as well. I have to go over my work many times until it is acceptable to me and many times it is never acceptable but then there is a deadline. I have to do more and more in order to feel accepted by others. I am so afraid of failing that I never get started. So paradoxically wanting to be perfect you end up procrastinating. When are you a perfectionist? It is not always that all people are perfectionists. All perfectionists are not perfectionists in every area of their life. So some of the areas where people are perfectionists it can be a combination of a few or just one for you. Just take a note as to what are you perfectionist about when is it that. In work, studies, housework and close relationships this can get very sticky if you get perfectionism into relationships because humans as we know are not perfect. Everything in order in things, eating, weight and shape of your body, grooming and personal hygiene, sports and health and fitness. So these are some of the areas which you may encounter perfectionist behaviour and most people do not have perfectionist behaviour in all these areas it is a combination of one or two of these things and then there are perfectionist behaviours associated with it. How do you behave in a perfectionist manner? So not every perfectionist behaves the same. How do you behave? Are you a perfectionist when it comes to decision making that everything should be perfect? Do you overcompensate by working much more than what is required for the task? Are you the reassurance seeking kind of perfectionist that you keep asking people is this okay? Then there is something which can be inane but for those who suffer it can get bad excessive list making, hoarding that at some future point I will need this particular thing So I will just hoard then you are a perfectionist and you procrastinate and indulge in avoidance. You have a problem with delegating your task thus failure to delegate. Not knowing when to stop and finally attempts to change the people around you. So these are some of the perfectionist behaviours that we indulge in. But why have we become perfectionist? This is a really complex conundrum but I will try to break it into a few four or five points and because changing the root of perfectionism is not really important but nonetheless for sake of completion look into it. Direct learning that is reward and positive reinforcement when you were good when you excelled you were rewarded a converse direct learning punishment and lack of positive reinforcement when you were even slightly slack. So if you did not get that 99.99% type you were not good enough and you were always criticised so punishment and lack of positive reinforcement and indirect learning modeling if your parents were work only if your elder sibling is overachieving then chances are that you will also end up with perfectionism and finally there is some amount of genetic make up or temperament as we call that these people are born with that perfectionism trait but even if you are born with that trait it can be changed and all perfectionists they have certain rules which they apply to their behaviour so what are these rules? Let us look into that. Setting even more demanding standards will look in detail with each one of them but setting even more demanding standards you achieve something but that particular achievement is not good enough you set higher standard so the relentless high standards of achievement all or nothing thinking or this is also known as black and white thinking like if you are not 100% good then you are absolutely bad so this is all or nothing thinking perfectionists they often indulge in all or nothing or black and white thinking it is a type of cognitive distortion fear of failure you fear failure so much that you want to make sure that there are no chances of you failing shoulds and musts I must be the number one always I must come first in the entire college so these are kind of absolute demands so that is one of the perfectionist rules constant checking checking multiple times whether a particular task has been done well enough or not this can be linked to fear of failures or all or nothing thinking but we do take constant checking as a separate point here because when it comes to changing this behaviour we need a slightly different approach of course there is self control that you just can't control yourself checking yourself again and again and again what is perfectionism going like perfectionism is not an isolated event it is kind of a vicious psyche to work with the high standards and self criticism coupled with unhelpful thinking styles and then there are perfectionism behaviours so we have high standards we self criticize ourselves we self criticize because we have got unhelpful thinking styles and then we do perfectionism behaviour there may be a reward or reinforcement at the end depending on what the outcome is the reward can be that you did manage to get the job done properly although unrelenting high standard keeps the perfectionism going not achieving the standard you set that is the standards were so high that they couldn't be achieved achieving the standards but at a cost in some cases the standards is achieved but only at a great personal cost so that is not good enough it should come easy finally achieving the standard and then resetting it because even if the high standard has been achieved most perfectionists do not feel happy about it so I dieted I lost 7 kgs in a month but that is not good enough I should have lost 12 kgs so you reset the standards all this goes in a kind of cycle and here I would like to show the cycle in kind of a flow chart so what happens is there is self worth overly dependent on pursuit and achievement of unrelenting standards thus the underlying rules and assumptions the shoulds the must the cons they are activated then based on that you set an unrelenting standard perfectionism behaviours kicking excessive checking going over things again and again avoidance procrastination this is coupled with perfectionist thinking evaluate performance all or months a child look out for mistakes and science of failures it either this leads to either failing to meet standards in which case there is self criticism or you meet standards but decide that the original standards were not good enough there are negative consequences like social isolation time consuming it is time consuming no mood anxiety and so on also there are positive consequences that is it simplifies life but at this point you either reset the standards to be even higher and go back to unrelenting standards or you from self criticism you base your self worth on to your achievements thus the procrastination keeps going on and on in a cycle linked somewhere on this page must be a blank procrastination cycle a pdf which you can download and print so that you can put in your perfectionism behaviour into a cycle for better understanding and thus having a better understanding will allow you to change the perfectionism in a better way did I say procrastination it has to be perfection whatever and not a perfectionist changing perfectionism what will changing perfectionism involve this is the biggest part of it relaxing your unrelenting high standards and thinking in shades of gray not black and white or all or none be prepared to try new things of course it will require a commitment of time and effort but first thing that you have to decide is are you ready for change because this is going to be something that you're going to do for quite some time it will take an effort it will involve discomfort are you ready for change how do you find that do a cost-benefit analysis kind of a thing or what we call a CBT as the change process balance sheet list the negative consequences of pursuing unrelenting high standards list the positive consequences of pursuing unrelenting high standards with the personal benefits that you expect if you lose in your unrelenting high standards and this is the personal cost that you expect if you lose on your unrelenting high standards you can do this in a quadrant kind of sheet and see whether you are really ready for change and ideally you should be because it is going to be beneficial for you in the long run and after which you can start with setting the goals for change choose a general goal area because right in the beginning we saw that not everybody is a perfectionist perfectionist in all areas of life choose a general goal area to work on first then you need to adjust your unrelenting high standards I will tell you how to do all that identify the perfectionism behavior you wish to work on identify a specific goal towards reducing this perfectionist behavior and set a time frame so those of you who know may recognize that this is essentially we are trying to set a smart goal here and if you don't don't bother with so choose a general area adjusting your unrelenting high standards identify the perfectionism behavior identify a specific goal towards reducing the perfectionism behavior set a time frame if you have filled out the perfectionism cycle sheet this is where it will be very useful and some coping tips before you begin is practice not being perfect this is this will invoke a certain amount of discomfort try to tolerate this discomfort give yourself explicit permission to make mistakes because you do make mistakes just that you are not allowing yourself to make mistakes give yourself permission be a bit self-compassion remind yourself of the unhelpful consequences that we have seen of perfectionism behavior and what you are experiencing and why you want to learn to laugh a sense of humor specifically a self-deprecating sense of humor that is ability to laugh at yourself will go a long way in helping you curb perfectionism finally reward yourself often these are some of the coping tips which will help you go on to the next step so you have now you have a goal you have some tips let us see how you can go stepwise into changing perfectionism we use what is known as a step ladder ladder you build a step ladder you have your goal you break it into steps completing a step for each step you set a date place and time expect some anxiety to be there but persist with that step use your skills to complete that particular step of the step ladder finally towards your goal one step at a time don't try to do all at once that is one of the tendencies of perfectionism that they want to do everything at once if needed do the same thing over and over again till you are satisfied with that particular step acknowledge the steps you have made there may be setbacks expect them rather and find what caused the setback and why did you resort back to your perfectionist behavior because being a perfectionist you avoid a certain discomfort or you reinforce a certain thinking pattern so if you can identify at this when there are stepbacks or setbacks what happened then it will be useful how to troubleshoot stepbacks use a thought diary to challenge unhelpful thought so a thought diary is what you record your thoughts as to what kind of thoughts I was having what possible outcome I was predicting and what really happened set a time and date to try the step again create an in-between step if needed repeat the previous step if needed if this is not enough then set up behavioral expert so identify your belief what are the thoughts that you are having that is you believe that certain thing will happen then go out test does that really happen conduct the experiment that is that is going out and testing does that really happen and develop a balanced belief we look for most of the major beliefs how this can be achieved one by one but these are the broad outline steps you may be thinking that all this is very easily said but there is a certain scientific basis to it at this point I would like to digress a bit and tell a bit of underlying CBT models which are there or underlying CBT logic which is there so there is a thinking feeling connection in CBT that is thoughts influence feelings and behavior and feelings that is the emotions are not thoughts one particular model you will come across often is the ABCDEF model it depends on what is known as the cognitive trial the cognitive trial consists of three areas which every humans have the think, feel and behave you may have an idea as to how these things are interlinked and many people presume that it is the thinking which will influence behavior or the feeling which will influence behavior and thinking but the fact is that these three things are linked by direction so if we change one of these if we change thinking then it will influence behavior and feelings if we change behavior then it will influence thinking and see so CBT relies on changing thinking if thinking a changing the thinking doesn't work then we rely on changing behavior what follows from this is the ABC model which says that there is in any situation there is an activating event or trigger and there are does there are consequences so in this case example I have taken that the activating event is scoring 80 percent at an assignment Jack feels proud and happy but Jill on the other hand is feeling angry now if it was true that the activating event or trigger is a direct cause for the consequence then both Jack and Jill would have had the same emotional and behavioral consequences obviously that did not happen and that doesn't happen so what is there in between A and C what is the B here the B is what we call as beliefs or deeply ingrained thoughts upon getting 80 percent Jack thought and he had a belief that 80 percent is a greatest thus it is because of this belief that Jack had a consequence of feeling happy and proud there is Jill thought and Jill had a belief that I am such an idiot for getting 80 percent and this the consequence was I based on this we will go on to adjusting your own unhelpful rules and assumptions which we saw in the first part of this workshop and we will go through each one of them at a time we are going through all the steps that are needed and see how it can be worked adjusting the unhelpful rules and assumptions what are the steps I will broadly go over the steps first first and foremost identify the unhelpful rule of assumption identify where it is coming from how it developed this is good to have thing but not unnecessary question is it realistic or reasonable to have or even achievable to have this rule assumption recognize the negative consequences of holding on to this identify a more helpful rule which is an alternate to our unrealistic plan how you would put that new rule into practice now let us see that one at a time each of these rules which we have spoken about a fear of failure let's start with fear of failure what is this rule what can it how can it come I must do things perfectly I must not feel I can't have others think poorly of me if I try then I will only feel if I put my word out there then others will think badly of me where did this come from probably messages from families and peers growing up or while working past experiences with failure of course successful people are admired so these may be a probable causal where your fear of failure and consequent perfectionism comes from how is this unreasonable unrealistic and unfair it is unreasonable and realistic and unfair to call it is impossible to be absolutely perfect always you are going to be good at some things and not so good at other things you are a complex amalgamation of good skills and bad skills and neutral skills making some mistakes is normal everyone making mistakes nobody likes to make mistakes but if you are human you are likely to make a mistake you can't control what others are going to think of you if you don't try you will never know and that is how sticking to fear of failure is unreasonable and unfair what are the negative consequences of sticking to fear of failure you don't even try does you put off important things or you on the other hand if you do try you overwork does you have no free time for yourself and this is typically a recipe for disaster that is burnout what is an alternate more helpful thought not being perfect doesn't mean failure trying my best is reasonable in some areas I will do well in other areas I will do less it is okay to do things well rather than perfectly again I would like to emphasize that we are not saying don't be excellent or don't pursue excellence pursuing excellence versus perfectionism are two opposites excellence is knowing what is the required high standard in a given context and striving to achieve that particular high so if it is a gully cricket match you won't be playing as if you are playing a test match so I heard you are a professional cricket but then why would you say gully cricket and that is it is okay to do things perfectly how to practice this new rule remind yourself repeat it is not possible to be perfect always ask for criticism and tolerate criticism practice some relaxation exercise a bit of mindfulness here will help deliberately make small mistakes and see what happens does the sky really fall no it doesn't so this is how you can set up small behavioral experiment if you have a fear of fear going on to the next demands that it should must all what's that I must make sure my house is always spotless literally I must always complete my work quickly or my boss will put the time in property if I eat anything at all before noon it's the proof that I have no willpower probably this person was right I can't eat any chocolate or I might lose all control and binge where did this come from my mom always made me put my bedroom spotlessly guys don't go and bring your parents whatever right we would never allow any chocolate so when I did get some I would eat it all and secretly quickly how is this unreasonable unrealistic unfair some of the demands I impose on myself are impossible to achieve I see things as black and white whether other people see in shades of cream what are the negative consequences of these demands we try to achieve this impossible give up if we are not 100 percent in control put self under tremendous stress to get a perfect result we are extremely extremely self-pity what is the more helpful alternate thought it is good to try hard but be adaptable and reasonable if I don't achieve something completely it is not the end of the world and like I have been emphasizing again and again pursuit of excellence is not perfectionist how to practice this new rule thinking steps and grades of achievement that is why I wanted you to make a step ladder when you are doing any goal so that you don't think in all or nothing else thinking steps and grades of achievement set realistic good enough standards which are good enough for the given context take opinion from varied sources consider shapes of cream rather than just black and white and don't think in terms of all or nothing there can be grades of success on to the next belief constant checking what is that I have to weigh myself every day to make sure my weight hasn't gone up I must check my reports over and over to make sure there are no errors I have to go over conversations in my mind to make sure I didn't say anything wrong I have to look in the mirror every time I passed one to make sure my makeup and hair are okay where did this come from my parents were anxious checking their watches so they wouldn't be late making sure the gas stove was turned off checking the front door was locked and so on or it could be something like a personal experience I once went out with my mask in mascara all smeared and everyone laughed at me and I felt like such a but how is this unreasonable unrealistic and unfair you can't control everything checking things that have already happened doesn't change the past however much you check there might be an error that you will miss what are the negative consequences of constant checking checking things over and over takes a lot of time however much I check I still feel anxious what is an alternate more helpful it is good to check that things are okay but checking once or maybe even twice should be enough it is not the end of the world if something is not 100% correct how to practice this maybe practice reducing my checking make a deal with myself to check my face the store my report only once or twice so these are the big things self control what's that how does it come into play I won't let myself relax because if I do I may become lazy I can never go out and have fun because I can't take time off from my studies I won't let myself have a treat because I haven't worked hard enough I won't eat bread because that way I know that I'm strong where did this come from my father was a alcoholic I never took time off from I used to be overweight and I saw I would never let myself get like that again how is it unreasonable unrealistic and unfair I have worked tremendously hard in order to let myself stop it is silly to say that I don't deserve a treat it is unreasonable to tell myself that I shouldn't relax eating a piece of bread doesn't really mean and be a strong what are the negative I never get to have any fun I'm always working for it I never get to land I'm always too hard on myself what is an alternate more helpful thought if I work hard I deserve the best even if I have to balance your life it is okay to relax occasionally and it doesn't mean that I'm lazy or incompetent being in control is about making choices that are good for me not being compulsive not being compulsive or perfectionist how to practice this theory make sure I relax put a tiny limit on work remind myself that making healthy choices is a healthier way to control rather than being extremist eat that slice of chocolate bread or tea whatever you simply sit here structure what are the thoughts associated in this particular pattern I must be certain of what will happen I should be prepared for the worst always I can't stand not knowing the outcome if I take action then something bad will happen I'm better off not doing anything that risk it going back so these are the patterns these are the thoughts which will come under the pattern of wanting simplicity structure I can't go where did this come from growing up feeling that the world is a dangerous place maybe because we moved often and I had to be on guard in strange towns or maybe more recently when I have taken action it hasn't always worked out well how is it under his level unrealistic and unfair you can't be sure about everything you can only be prepared to a certain extent you have to always take some risk what are the negative consequences of wanting simplicity structure and control I'm always on guard I never feel relaxed I'm anxious and stressed out the alternate thought here prepare for a variety of possible consequences but be open and flexible they calculated risk how will you practice this game practice taking risk doing something with an unknown outcome just trying enough and let it flow what happens setting even more demanding standards what are these kind of thoughts I had a goal of dieting till I got to 55 but now I've got there it doesn't seem hard enough and I need to push myself further I had a goal of 90% in my test and now that I got 90% I need to get 95% I got promoted last year but I must get promoted again this where did this come from I was brought up to be competitive with my brother nothing was ever ever good enough for my parents I went to school that pushed you to achieve more and more and more and more this can be very true in Indian scenarios how is it under his level it is impossible he doing better for you will get a plateau you will get better down there can be bumps and problems making higher demands and resetting the bar where will it end if you don't put an end to it if you don't strive in the context which is it is needed then you will definitely burn out what are the negative consequences of this no achievement is ever satisfying I push and push myself for no reward I beat myself up often for not doing better of course there has to be an alternate and that is setting achievable appropriate goals is healthy reaching a goal is a sign of success and deserves a pat on the back you can set the next goal but this particular achievement has to be celebrated as well how to practice this new rule set goals then don't move the goal posts give myself a pat on the back when I achieve my goal so these were the various thought patterns of the cognitive distortions which are associated with perfectionism and how to dispute them like how to overcome dispute is a very specific CVT world and how to overcome them how to set up experiments to try out the alternate ones once again how do you put all of this together again this is known as action planning and that is what we do at the end of sessions within CVT we plan for an action previously this was called as homework but due to the punitive nature of the word homework it was later started calling it as action plan step one identify the task or standard that you want to change step two adjust the unhelpful rules and assumptions step three put perfectionism in perspective step four set an appropriate standard step five carry out the practical strategies to reduce your perfectionism behaviors and step six challenge your perfectionist reevaluate achieving and challenge the perfectionist minds if you keep doing this steps that is what will happen you will keep reevaluating achieving and challenge the perfectionist mindset lastly reflect and revise your plan as per the needs of the situation because not every plan you start out with will be perfect to begin you will have to learn to tundra that as well because overcoming perfectionism is not going to be a perfectly smooth road you will feel bumps and dips along the road but if you are consistent you will achieve excellence in your life and will be able to shed perfectionism thank you