 Oh! Right here. I'm scared. Yeah, okay then. And even if you need assistance on the go at any time, you can log into your account and send a message to your counselor. They're going to get back to you in a timely, thoughtful way. Plus, you can schedule a weekly video or phone sessions. BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier, mentally healthier life today. So if you're ready to join me on a therapeutic journey to the optimal you, visit betterhelp.com. That's better-h-e-l-p-dot-com-slash-b-o-o-d-y. And that's going to get you 10% off your first month with BetterHelp. Mom and Shan. Yes. You guys are T-minus two hours from getting on a plane to Turks and Caicos to literally be deserted on a desert island together. That really is what's about to happen. It literally is. You're about to be my Wilson. It is. It is an island. So the context around this is that you are flying out to Turks and Caicos for a month to go work on a job. And the last time you went, you couldn't take Ra you with you. You had to be separated from your child. This time you advocated that Ra you needed to be with you. But in order to make that work for you, you needed help. And so here we are. Mom to the rescue once again because there have been a few times that you've had to fly across the country to help. This time last year actually. Yes. And I love it. I think it's, I do. I just absolutely love it. I love that you reach out to me. I do. I would do it again and again. I'm sorry, but yeah. Yeah, I know. I can't even begin. I feel like our relationship has improved so much in the past year. It definitely has. I know when we didn't get along, it tore me up inside. Like you have no idea. I'm going to start crying just thinking about it because it really tore me up inside. I'm not saying it's because of Ra you, but I think that it's definitely helped. You know why I do think that Ra you helped. And this is my feelings. This could be based on my feelings on reality, but I feel like for a long time it was hard for you to stop seeing me as your kid. To stop treating me like a kid in many ways. And I feel like once I had Ra you, you just looked at me, started to treat me more like a woman, and then we could just relate on a whole different playing field. Definitely. Definitely. But the only thing I have to say about that is that you guys actually act like children and every mother out there will understand and appreciate what I'm saying here. When you cross that threshold into the home, you become children again. It's a good segue though, because you're right. And I don't think that this is just a unique thing for Shan and I, but typically when children re-enter their parents' home, they fall into old patterns, especially when it comes to the home that they've grown up in. I know that when I walk into the home, I don't expect to make myself tea. I just expect that someone will be like, let me make you some tea. Do you want a heating pad? So it's very easy to slip into those conditions. Now in this scenario though, where Shan now is a mother and you've had to change your paradigm to say, I can't look at Shan as my child anymore. I have to look at her as a grown woman, as a grown adult. And not only that, but she's not in your home, right? When you guys are going, it's almost like... It's neutral. It's neutral territory. Yeah. It's a hotel. Yeah. There's no my home, my way. But because this is neutral territory, it's probably a really good idea to have this discussion where you guys can level set in terms of what will that look like. Let me just say this as a caveat. I am looking at this trip like you're doing me a favor. So even though we're not moving into your home or I'm not encroaching on your space, I know that I'm encroaching on your time and I know that this is a big ask. So let's get into those questions then. So question, I came up with some conversation starters to guide the conversation. All right. We'll start off a little light and then we'll get into some other stuff. So who is responsible for the... Who's going to be responsible for the meals? I would say probably about 90% of the time I will. Yes. 90%. Yes. 10%. You can make a cup of tea. Well, I'm providing a lot of the other meals. That's a big responsibility. And you're more than welcome to it. You know that. I'm very happy to share. I think it's fine. I think if I set the intention to do the teas and I do have this one avocado toast thing that I make, that'll happen a couple times. I love avocado toast, so I'm all over that. This is going really well. Okay, good. 90%. So today I'm going to make a conscious effort to be tidier. Yes. I'm going to make a conscious effort to be... I believe myself to be a tidy person, but apparently I'm not. Cleaning is big. But the number one thing for me is if you take something up, put it back where you got it from. So you don't spend half of your time going, where was that? Where was that? And then look at me because you tidy up all the time. You're always putting things away. I literally put things away. I put them back where they're supposed to be. If you had just done that in the first place. Nope. This is your way. Shayne's got a feeling stick. I feel like you take things and put them where you think they should be. And then later on when you're asked where that thing is, you forget. Yeah, I've heard this so many times. I think that's the common thing. But listen. Lauren, you're not impartial here. Say it's true. I'm absolutely impartial here. It's youngest true though? This was... It was a reputation for putting things away somewhere that nobody else can think about and she has forgotten. I have. I mean, haven't we all? Haven't we all forgotten something where we put it? Haven't we? Okay. So that was intended to be a softball. Things will get better from here. Okay. Things are going well. All right. So you're coming in as a new mother and not someone's child. This is your child. You're used to guiding. What will you do in a situation where you disagree with Shayne's parenting? I'm going to go back to you and say that I allowed you to do whatever you want with your child. I may not agree, but that's your child. Right. My mom, as far as I can remember, my mom probably did not agree with the way I parented, but I never heard it from her. Right. I will do the same to you. Do you agree, Lauren, that that's what happened? No, I agree that mom is very good at that. I will do the same with you. And I'll give you an example and it's very vivid in your head, I'm sure, because I was feeding right when I was here the last time and she was moving away and I was feeding her. And you said, I don't want it to be. I don't want that to be where we're forcing her to eat and I don't want food to be an issue. And so I just, I didn't think about it. I just said, okay, you are the parent. That's what you want. And I just moved away. I didn't say, oh my God, you know, or anything. You are very good at that. I just moved away. I've never, from a parenting standpoint, I believe because the respect and the hierarchy is so clearly defined where I do defer to you and I do respect you so much in this area. I don't have any part of me that feels pride here. Kind of like cooking. There's certain places in my life where I feel no jurisdiction over and parenting is one of them. So I defer to you and I know that if you did step in, it would be something that would be for the best interest. And I do appreciate that story. I didn't remember it. It didn't stay in my mind. Oh, but one time mom kept force feeding the baby because you were not. But I do appreciate that when I gave a note, you took the note because I do take a lot of notes from you. On the flip side, mom's going to be taking care of Ryu quite a bit. And Ryu's getting into different phases. She's toddling, et cetera. What will you do when you don't agree with mom's parenting? I have had success with gently guiding a preference. And I would just say, I appreciate that because in knowing that I know so little about this area, I would appreciate if I do make a suggestion. It's not like, well, you don't know what you're talking about because it's arguable that I don't. But I know what I feel or what I think is best. And so I'm going to just keep doing what I've been doing just if I feel that we've got a different way of doing things. Like, oh, this is just how we're doing it. Not that it's better, but this is just the different approach that Jared and I have agreed upon. And that's all I'll do. And I think it's important to only because, and it might be too early because she's 12 months, but discipline is going to start to become a thing as she approaches like 18 months or whatever. And so I don't know if it starts early. And that can usually be a point of contention in terms of how you want your child to be spoken to when they're doing something wrong or how you want them to be corrected when they're doing something wrong. Especially as Ryu gets older and she's more mobile, that could come into play. I think that's like a thing. I mean, I've talked about this several times. There's a lot of things that people do to Ryu around her that I don't like. And so I've already had tons of experience and examples of people doing things like, oh, this deeply bothers me or like, we don't do things that way. I feel like with mom, maybe this is why our relationship has improved so much is that I really feel like we're just in a deep alignment about this one area that is usually very difficult to master. But I'm saying that I think, and I actually don't have a real recollection so it's like a vague memory, but something to the effect of, I don't want to keep, I don't want to hear, I don't want to hear people keep saying no, no, no to her. Like, no, stop that, no, don't do that, no, don't do that. So lately she is more active now and so she is getting into things and I have noticed that I've said, no, don't touch that, no, don't do that, no. And then in the back of my head I'm like, I can hear Shannon saying, we just don't say no to her that much. We just, you know, so am I right or wrong? Yes, yes. If it brings her joy, it is her toy. If it brings her joy, it is her toy. Yeah, so maybe, yeah, that might, it depends, again. I mean if she's chewing on an electric cord and it brings her joy and it's plugged into the wall, I'm going to have to step in. Well, we've got our problems then, don't worry. So what might Shannon do that may annoy or upset you? Oh, that's easy. Good morning, Shannon. You're in a cup of tea? Why? Why, I mean being in the morning, you mean just my morning personality? Yeah. You know what, this is where I say, treat me like a friend. I'm not your mother. What is treating you like a mother look like, sound like? It sounds like, you know, would you like something? Can I do, what is it? What do you want, why is it? And it's that kind of dialogue that you have, that backhand kind of dialogue. Is that what happens? Hi, darling daughter, would you like a cup of tea? Fuck off, mom. I never said all that. I did not say that. That's how you're making it seem. Okay, what can I do for you? How can I help? Oh my God. You're your father's child. And not only that, it's like, what do you look like? Do you have choices in life? Oh, we can't see. Yeah, exactly. Are you? I can't say that. They are? That's okay, it gets edited. Don't you edit my shit? You just ramp everything up. I said it exactly as it happened. Nobody said anything about fuck off. Okay, so I said, Shannon, it's good morning. Do you want a cup of tea? What is it? What time is it? It's like, and so yes, it is. First of all, I always take tea first thing in the morning. It's how I poop. So this story is not anything to do with that. This is completely fictitious. I'm giving you, it is not fictitious. Why? And so at the end of the day, I don't... Drink tea first. Ask Jared, bring Jared on. Okay. Bring him in. You're talking about a new behavior. I'm talking about... Mom, I've always drunk. I can't poop without tea. If my friend was asking me a question right now, how would I respond? I would say, no, thank you. Yes, thank you. That was nice. That was this. That was that. Instead, with the mother attitude, is that, what is it? Oh. And no. I have a feeling. It does not. It doesn't fly anymore. You have to wait for it. You don't get to treat me like a mother and then not expected to be treated like a child. I am your equal. I appreciate that. And I want to uplift and amplify the equal statement. I think a thing that could be triggering me for me, sometimes with you, is you play down your knowledge base. I think of you as somebody who is smart, who is a leader, who is empowered, who is strong. And so when you don't talk to me with that energy, that I can get irritating for me. Okay. Which is a good segue into the next question. How will you know when each other needs space? This is a really great one. I think you'd be fair just to say, if you need it, say it. If I need it, just say it. Well, what are some of your nonverbal cues when you just, maybe you don't have the words in the moment to articulate, I need space, but you're kind of getting up to that point. I probably get less responsive. So if you find like you're asking me a lot of questions or starting conversations and I'm not really initiating, I'm just, sometimes I just want to watch TV because maybe the day was full and there's a lot just in that moment. I mean, maybe Rai was asleep or maybe she's up, but there's nobody who needs anything of me in that moment. Sometimes I just want to not be needed. But I also acknowledge that we're each other's only companies and companions. So I don't want to get into a habit where we're not also having time to bond. I would assume that your space would include you talking to dad. Obviously he's my dad, so I'll be a part of that. But if you're in your room talking to dad, that's just your time just to decompress and talk. And similarly, Jared's not going to be there. That's going to be really tough on him. And so there probably will be a lot of time that he was going to want to FaceTime and talk with Rai you. And that probably would kind of be in that bracket where it's just that this particular family unit's time. You know what? I don't mean to minimize the question or anything, but I will say that we all grew up in a house together. And during that time, we've never had this conversation before, but during that time, you've wanted time alone. You've wanted time alone. We've wanted time alone. You just do it. And then we've had time when we're all together and it just happened. We just do it. You're right. But we can sometimes do it in a very unhealthy way because, yes, we've not had these dialogues. We've not had these discussions, but we've also had blow-ups. We've also had a lot of unburied resentment. We've also had underhanded like, yeah, no, nothing's wrong. We've had a lot of those too. So you're right. We haven't had the discussion, but that doesn't mean it's not helpful to have. Because then we can avoid some of those things that we've done historically. Or I'm not in this. I'm here living my life. But some of those things you too have done historically. I think you've gotten a lot better at this, and I love that. And Lorna and I talked about this too. But before, sometimes things would happen and you would get upset and we wouldn't know why. And then we'd have to go through our brains and be like, what are 10 things that we did in the past, you know, tenderness that could have possibly pissed mom off. And now you've gotten so much better at being like, well, you just said it didn't like. And you'd be like, oh, I did me that way. Or, oh, I'm completely sorry. So I think that that's a part of what this is too, of just having the space to say, rather than you assuming that I don't like you because I'm not responsive, but instead being like, oh, if she's giving me one word responses because she's just mentally tired from being needed. She just wants to watch TV. Let me give her space. Or number two, just say, hey, can I have five minutes of your time? Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Yes, it was. I'm glad we all have this conversation. Thank you for inviting me to moderate the conversation. Thank you for inviting me to Turks and Caicos to be with you. Honest to God, with bottom of my heart, my heart is beside you. It is never too late or too early to get the help you need to get on a plan that is catered for you, your needs and your goals. And a service that I suggest you check out if that sounds like something that you want to dive into is BetterHelp. BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier, mentally healthier life today. So if you're ready to join me on that journey to the optimal you, visit BetterHelp.com slash B-O-O-D-Y. That's better. H-E-L-P dot com slash B-O-O-D-Y because that's how you're going to get 10% off your first month with BetterHelp.