 Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman. It's Pledge Week here in beautiful sunny, California. So we've been asked to put together some highlights from 2011. We want to share them with you. On today's program, we look back at some, not all, but some of our favorite bits of 2011 with Martin Short, Andrea Martin, and Robert Smigel. And while you're looking for a gift this holiday season, if you have room in your home and your heart, run down to the nearest shelter and adopt the ugliest cat or dog you can find. And former president Ronald Reagan stops by to discuss his upcoming centennial birthday. But first, this word from Universal Pictures. This summer, from the people who brought you the King's speech. It's my husband, the King. I'm afraid that once again, he's required to speak publicly. That shouldn't be a problem. As you know, I've been rather successful in helping the King overcome his stammer. Well, this time, it's not the stammer I'm worried about. Comes the story of a monarch. We're going to need every last one of your unorthodox methods of speech therapy. Your Majesty, what are you trying to say? With a mouthful of s***. I'm afraid the King has turrets. It's the King's speech to talking dirty and all your favorites are back. There's Colin Firth as King George VI. If I can't address the nation by the time I go to damn it. Jeffrey Rush as quirky Australian speech therapist Lionel Logue. I do believe kings are meant to have turrets, not turrets. Get it, Your Majesty. And introducing Otis, the King's pet miniverge. Shut the f***ing bloody beat before I kick your f***ing head. I couldn't have said it better myself, Your Majesty. Come see a film with humor, drama and more British swearing than Christian Bale on a six-day meth bender. The King's speech to talking dirty, coming this summer to a theater near you. Well, this assignment is shaping up to be a royal pain in the f***. This week, Comcast celebrated the FCC's approval of their merger with NBC by announcing their purchase of C-SPAN. Tonight on the new Comcast C-SPAN, forget the storm outside and hunker down with hearings from the exploratory committee on interstate commerce. Then on Comcast C-SPAN late night, Brian Lamb welcomes guests, co-chair of the Senate Committee for Homeland Security and Government Affairs, Susan Collins, and from modern family, Ty Burrell. It all happens tonight on the new Comcast C-SPAN. This weekend, President Ronald Reagan celebrates his 100th birthday. I spoke with him earlier today. Mr. Reagan, thank you for joining us. My pleasure, Mr. Reagan. And, sir, how are you feeling? Never felt deader in my life. Buddy Rich is helping me out here. A little faster, buddy. Congratulations on your centennial, sir. Well, that's not all, Mike. I also turned 100 this week. Well, you know, a lot of people are honoring your memory this weekend. My what? Yeah, they're honoring your memory this weekend. Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, they're calling it Super Bowl Sunday. Go, Ronnie, go. Looking back at your legacy, sir, what are you most proud of? I'd have to say defeating the evil empire and ending the era of big government. And what would you say is your biggest regret? Failing to defeat the evil empire and putting an end to the era of big government. I don't know if that deserved a rim shot, but. Now, what about people who say you ushered in an era of cruelty and heartlessness? Please, let's leave my wife Nancy out of this. No, sir, sir, sir. Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, I'm not talking about your wife Nancy. I'm talking about the media who said that you were indifferent to the needs of those less fortunate. Oh, well, let's leave my adopted son. Watch his name out of this. It's Michael, sir. Oh, well, thank you, Michael. Let's talk about the cover of Thai magazine, Barack Obama. Gesundheit. Believe it or not, sir. Believe it or not, many people are seeing parallels between Obama and you. Well, Jane Wyman always had a little of the jungle fever. Is that what you mean? Thank you for joining us, Mr. President. Well, thank you, Jimmy, and all your viewers and Merry Christmas. And oh, and one more thing, if I could just say also to all your viewers. Yes. May. Just go ahead, sir. It may be. Mr. President, what is it that you'd like to say? Well, there was something you wanted to tell our viewers. Tonight on the new Comcast Seaspan, the weather is cold, but Sarah Palin is hot. Tonight, she puts the A in Q&A. Then live from the Hart Office Building, the Senate Committee on Energy and National Resources gives us the outlooks on the 2012 energy and auto markets. Then on Book Talk, a roundtable discussion at a bookstore somewhere in suburban Maryland, only on the new Comcast Seaspan. Joining us to discuss the level of political discourse in America is BBC's Lord Trevor Foblin, whose letter from America has heard around the world. Thank you for joining us. Thank you, Stephen. It's great to be here. It's David. David, I'm sorry. Who am I thinking of? Oh, I mean, I'm doing Stephen Baldwin's show at quarter two. Let's not forget that. Thank you. You're David Feldman Stein. Feldman. Thank you for joining us. Now, where are you speaking to us from today? I am speaking from my home at Wessex-Ponts-Sussex. It's a beautiful home. It was featured recently in Architectural Digest. No, no, no, no, no. You're thinking of my estate in Sussex-Ponts-Sussex. This is my cottage in Wessex-Ponts-Sussex. So that's your cottage? Well, I called it. If I mean, if you visited, you would call it. You wouldn't get within 10 my readies because of, shall we say, where you were born or how you were born and the style of upbringing you had. Anyway, it's a magnificent cottage. It's an old Cephalonter state. You know, with Cephalonter. I don't think so. Yes, no, he's marvelous man, marvelous man. I knew his daughter. Let's talk about the level of political discourse here in the United States. We had a pretty tragic week here in America, and a lot of people are blaming it on the first. Yes, like, Jersey Shore's premiere, I believe. Right. That was pretty, pretty awful. But we also had something pretty tragic, pretty tragic in Arizona. And a lot of people are blaming some of the radio personalities like Len Beck and Rush Limbaugh, who say that the right wing is revving up the crazies in this country. Does that happen in England? Do you have personalities on the BBC who try to get the conservative base riled up? We have a woman named Lady Jane Huffington, Kingston, and even if it's possible, the fat can drip through the radio lines into your home. Now, I've been known to turn the dial to that station and gain three kilos. So, I mean, this is and now that is a different reason of dislike because what she's exuding is everything that's unhealthy in nature. And she sizzles everything, fries everything. But I mean, not on the radio, but I mean, she's I know her personally. I dated her for a while. She was very, very fun. She was free, free sexually. And I'm sorry, what's the best? Well, so she would be the equivalent of our Rush Limbaugh. Yeah, so Rush Limbaugh is what Rush Limbaugh is disgusting, I think. And I don't judge people. I hate judgment. But to me, he's Joe the plumber if he had a community college degree. And yet you were at his wedding. You you were the one. I was at his wedding. I was he's I think he's one of I think he's in a way a marvelous man. He's one of the great American masters and not just because he owns slaves to what he says. And that's why he's a hero. And you and it's because of you that Elton John sang at Rush's wedding. That's right. Elton John is it's an unlikely duo, isn't it? But I mean, that's the interesting unlikely duo is that you have John McCain and Sarah Pylon. They were people that you didn't assume would be matched at all. And you're talking to me. I've never the only time I've ever known someone like yourself with all due respect is if I was having at the pair of pants altered. You're you're in your cottage. Well, it's a lovely cottage. It's it's we call it a canterbury. The interest of great Eddie Cantor buried his sister somewhere on the grounds here. It's one of those it was owned originally by some old cowhills. In fact, on very quiet nights, if you listen carefully, you can almost hear an old cowards voice whispering in your ear, find out the name of the tall one. And many are frightened by these shelves. But I find it soothing. That's why this is where I do all my writing as one needs solitude, just me even in death. For decades now, you've been explaining America to the world. Yeah. And why do you think you, more than anybody else, the United Kingdom and perhaps here in the States, why are you considered an expert at distilling the essence of such a complex place as America? Can you look at a continent with a different perspective? I think America is a very unusual place, isn't it? I mean, you have all these other and they're constantly angry. All of the all the different ways, telegraph or the modern approaches, that's as Morse code. And they're constantly saying negative dreadful things. And I look at someone like Glenn Beck and I say, you can't expect more than a grunt from a pig. And you don't have this rage in England the way we do. You're not as angry a country as America. You are not angry because we were angry. My God, I mean, it snows here. And so if we had it at Taney, we'd snowboard them. But you don't. You don't waterboard. You have guns. You have rifles. Oh, my God. Yeah, pellet guns and guns with bullets. But we don't we don't really harm each other. Why is that? We're not good shots. OK, time for have your say, USA line one. Hello, yes, this is Debbie. Hi, Debbie, what say you? Debbie from Dr. Margolis office. OK, Debbie, what's on your mind? Yeah, I'm looking at your record. It's been six months. Yes, six months since your last cleaning. Debbie, right from my dentist's office. Yes, dear, this is Debbie from Dr. Margolis office. Debbie, this is my work line. Do you mind calling my home line? Thank you. Line five. This is Debbie from Dr. Margolis office. OK, I already told you to call my home phone. Last time you were here, dear, we saw bleeding in the gums. Line four. The floor looked like a slaughterhouse. I should have worn a hazmat suit. I had poo like symptoms for four days. Debbie, please. Let's try line five. Hello, this is Debbie from Dr. Margolis office. Line seven, you're on with David Feldman. I'm looking at the calendar, David. We have an opening. Lucky you, 6 a.m. tomorrow morning. Is that too early? Debbie. David, David, please take your teeth seriously. It's your age, you're lucky to have any at all. I will make an appointment as soon as I'm off the air. Line four. You always seem to like it when I'm scaling your back, Mola's David, and my breasts accidentally rub against you. Line 11. Why did you take the free dental floss and the tongue scraper? Line two. If you didn't want to see me again, David. Line three. I really care about your gums. I really care about them. Nobody's going to care about your gums like I do, David. I have an opening at nine. Come to mama. Line four. I was the one that told you about Sensor Dine, David. Your teeth should rot in hell. Line seven. Hello, I'd like to talk about Egypt. Yes, go ahead by all means, thank you. While I'm flossing your coffee stain, plaque riddle, beautiful teeth. I'm holding an x-ray, David, of your teeth. They're beautiful. I miss your teeth so much, and I can't control myself. Don't turn me away. It's a dental pick to my heart. I can come to your house, please. We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again, or call your operator to help you. The new Comcast C-Span. Do you like meetings? So do we. Tonight at nine, the Senate Committee on Small Business asks, what if somebody's business is too small? Does size really matter? Then live from the heart office building, what happens when members of the Senate Committee on Indian Affairs have affairs with Indians? Then at 10, on Washington Journal, Michelle Bachman, she lived in a bizarre world where up was down, wrong was right, and right was far right. Tonight, see Michelle Bachman's naked ambition, an unblinking look at a woman who never blinks. Michelle Bachman, she puts the C in CPAC. Then at 11, it's an all-new State Department daily briefing. It all happens tonight on the new Comcast C-Span. Today, Hosni Mubarak resigned, which took us completely by surprise. We spoke to him just last night, and he couldn't have been more committed to staying in power. Now joining us from Cairo is Egypt's dictator, Hosni Mubarak, thank you for joining us, Mr. Dictator. Oh, please call me Dictator. You know, there's much to talk about, Dictator. Yes, but let's keep it short. Fallen's got Aziz Ansari tonight. Very funny man. I don't mean to correct you, sir, but Aziz Ansari isn't Egyptian, he's Pakistani. Close enough. Look, if you want me to wait until Fallen has an Egyptian comic on, believe me, I'll retire before that ever happens. You see, because I'll never retire. Harry! Many of your people were disappointed after you refused to retire this week. Retire to what? That's not Hosni Mubarak's style. Not for me. I like to stay busy. I live to oppress, and I oppress to live. You want me to end up like my uncle Tanoos? That man had a successful business selling car batteries to extraordinary rendition sites throughout Syria's tri-state area. His children talk him into selling their company. They move him to Sharmal Sheikh. Within two days, he suffers a massive stroke. Now, now David desits and talks to a potted plant in his living room. Sad story deserves a sad rim shot. But sir, 30 years is a long time to rule your people. They hunger for change. Hunger is funny. They'll hunger for a lot more than change if they don't get back to work, okay? Message clear. I get it. Enough already with the two million taking to the streets. Hey, by the way, how about Israel? Pretty horrible country, right? You've been a very strong ally to Israel. Yes, yes, of course. I'm just saying, Jews are horrible, horrible people. You know, I'm afraid. I don't understand why you're bringing up Israel now. Because it's convenient. I am afraid, when in doubt, Yes. ... on Israel. David, I'm afraid that with all the talk about corruption and torture and zero democracy, that we're losing sight of what a dreadful group of people the Jews are. Why do you think your people suddenly hate you after 30 years? A very good question. Maybe I stole a little too much, oppressed a little too much. Maybe I took a little too big a bite out of life, flew a little too close to the sun. Hosni Mubarak kept his feet on the ground while he reached for the stars. I watch you on television. There are millions of people on the streets who want to pull a chow-chew. Because one time... Aren't you frightened? I notice your hands don't shake. How are you able to hold up under this kind of pressure? I couldn't do it without the rape and support of my wife. If you're listening, honey, leave the light on. I'm coming home. Tonight on the new Comcast Seaspan, on a very special Washington Journal, they're beautiful. They're bad. They're flat-out dangerous. Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman, together in one conference room, it's game on. Can you say cat fight? Then at eight, it's an all-new national prayer breakfast. Then, the Senate Committee on Appropriations gets inappropriate. Then, tonight at nine, on the Senate Rules Committee, they're breaking all the rules. The new Comcast Seaspan. You like meetings? So do we. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is in some trouble due to allegations of underage sex with a prostitute. For more on this, we turn to the BBC's Lord Trevor Foblin. The BBC's Lord Trevor Piglington Foblin now joins us from Italy. Thank you for being with us. The pleasure is mine, but mostly yours. Lord Foblin, what are you doing in Rome? And her name is Camilla. So what are you doing in Rome this week? Well, I mean, I was, I was some, some, some no boo. And so I had it flown in from Los Angeles. And I found it more fun to dine, exclusively in another city that does not have the restaurant, but you fly the food in. So you're in Rome and you're filming a new 13-part series for the BBC. That's right. I'm putting the finishing touches on my new 13-part series for the BBC about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire entitled Eat, Pray, Purge. Let's talk about Silvio Berlusconi. Because you're not. No, no, Silvio Berlusconi. Because you're not. The Silvio Berlusconi. Because you're not. The Prime Minister of Italy. Oh, yeah. He's here now, would you like to speak to him? Sure. Silvio, Silvio, put Camilla down, darling. I think they're, I think they're having a moment. He got confused. He asked me the dog's age and I said 11 and he thought it was literally 11 in a child's age. And he's been very, very, very attentive. Well, you bring up an interesting point. The Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi now faces trial possibly for engaging in underage sex. I think the problem with Silvio right now is overage sex. Have you seen the dear line without his spanks? Not pretty. And, and I did a work out with him yesterday and literally his socks slipped down and I saw the tip of his pants. But it's inappropriate. She is underage. She's. Oh, aren't we the proof? Here in America, we have our own sex scandal. What do you make of this New York congressman forced to resign Chris Lee? Yes, he was wonderful and Dracula, wasn't he? I think he's dating Whoopi Goldberg, which is, I mean, he's clearly a sucker for a woman with no eyebrow. No, you're thinking of Frank Langella. Frank Langella dated Whoopi. Frank Langella dated Whoopi Goldberg. It's impossible to know that a man who could be so effective as Richard Nixon could then serve in Congress. And at the same time say Whoopi Goldberg's my lady. No, congressman Chris Lee. Yes, yes, Asian boy. Actually, sir, I was talking about the congressman from New York forced to resign Wednesday after posting a shirtless photo of himself on Craigslist. He was trying to date women. Yes, well, I found that shocking now that I know who I'm talking about. I saw the photos of this man, Chris Lee, and not only is the man buff, but he's into straight sex and knows how the internet works. And I was shocked because how could a man possibly be a Republican if you see what I've done? That's very funny, sir. Thank you, thank you. You do it all, sir. Thank you, thank you. Is there anything you can't do? That's what I've often wondered. I can't for the life of me, out of... And you've tried. Doing it as we seek. But you're not succeeding. Almost. Apparently, Speaker Boehner has zero tolerance for this kind of behavior. But you do know about John Boehner's liaison. Do you not have liaison? No, I don't. Washington is simply a bar with national inquire, latest revelation about Boehner's two mistresses. With all due respect, sir, it's the National Enquirer. Yes, yes, yes, yes. But they were the first ones to report that John Edwards' love child existed, and they were right about Monica Lewinsky. And everyone thought they were going to get sued after breaking the story about Ray Romano's sex change operation. And I think he, I mean, she looks marvelous. I mean, the Adam's apple doesn't work, and it's still the face of a longshoreman. But with the long hair and the fake breasts that are now real, I can look at that at night, and I can feel tingling where I have not felt tingling for ages. Wait, you're saying John Edwards had a love child? Yes. Oh, my God. And it was broken. It's been all over the press. And now we hear that the speaker of the House cheats on his wife. Trust me on this one, my dear, dear John-like boy. 2011 will be the year of Beners Bonner. You've met every powerful leader of the 20th century, early 21st century. Is there such thing as a powerful leader who remains faithful to his wife? Well, I think you have to look at the former archbishop Joseph Ratzinger, the president pope. He's been very loyal to his dear friend Siegfried. And this is a time when Roy was really making a play for him. Thanks for listening. Today's show was written by Benzel Levansky, Steve Rosenfield, Ned Rice, Andrea Martin, and Ray James. Today's show featured Martin Short, Andrea Martin, Robert Smigel, Mark Thompson, Dana Gould, Steph Zamorano, Troy Conrad, and Jane Edith Wilson. I'm David Feldman. Please friend me on Facebook to hear a rebroadcast of this show or for some additional materials and old podcasts. Please visit David Feldman, comedy.com. And while you're over there, join our mailing list. From the KPFK studios in Southern California, I'm David Feldman, reminding you that if you have room in your home and your heart, run down to the nearest shelter and adopt the ugliest cat or dog you can find.