 What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello. It's the Abbott and Costello show. Produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malek. So, hold on to your chairs, folks, where here they are. Right, stop that racket. Michael Mike just bought a new house. I'm about to see it. How far is it from here? Fifty minutes by automobile and five minutes if you walk. Wait a minute. How can it be faster if you walk? When you're walking, you pass a skunk farm. Through the dining room through the mage room. If you want to go to the master bedroom, you go through the living room through the mage room. And if you want to go to the patio, you go through the den, then through the mage room. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you keep going through the mage room? Silly boy. Please talk, Sands. Tell me more about Uncle Mike's place. Oh, out of water. Out of the swimming pool and he filled it with peroxide. He filled the pool with peroxide? Yeah. What's water? He's nuts about blondes. Michael Mike. Just fine. You know, Mike is expecting a blessed event at their house next Tuesday. Well, wait a minute. They've been married for 35 years and they're expecting a blessed event. Mike's modern law is leaving for Paterson. An example of a high-grade nonsense you'll be hearing for the next half hour. But before we get back to it, listen to this. A cellophane mattress for old maid Lou. Oh, now, wait a minute. What good would a cellophane mattress be to an old maid, Lou? Well, she could look under the bed to see if there's a guy under there without getting up. Wasting your time. I think you've got something there. But really, I'm not. Get a load of this invention. My sister and I, we're working on it now. We're crossing a roll of pink ribbon with a rubber clamp. What for? So we can raise ladies' gutters. I became such an enormous idiot. Well, it's easy. I could teach you no time. Right. You dope your entire family, you stupid. None of them knows anything. Now, wait a minute. I'll be on Insects. Hm. Did she study insects in college? She didn't have to go to college. She studied at home. Customs were bar flies. Hey, Uncle Mike. No, I decided I wanted a nice place to stay. So I reserved a room at the YWCA. You idiot. The YWCA is full of girls. Isn't that a nice place to stay? So, uh, you like girls I gather? I like girls anybody gathers. Am I tempted by girls? No. When a girl fights with me, do I flirt back? Go out with a different girl every night? But do I do it? No. The kiddies are asleep now. Let's tell them the right answers. One hand tied behind his back. You mean one hand tied behind your back? Who's fixing his fight? You or me? You know, Joe Lewis is retired, and they're looking for a new champion. There's only one reason why I don't become heavyweight champion at it. I'm so tough and ferocious I can't control myself. The minute I get in the ring, I see blood. It's terrible. What's terrible about it? It's my blood. You're talking to a man who can lick anybody. Why, I'd take that Joe Lewis apart and see what makes him tick. I'd take Joe Walcott apart and see what makes him tick. I'd take Lisa Vogue apart and see what makes him tick. I'd take Gus Lussonovich apart and any champion. Name any champion and I'll take him apart. All right, I'll give you an easy one. How about the swimming champion? That's to Williams. Could you take her apart? Anything put together that good don't need tinkering with. Castello, silly nincompoop. Thank you, Abbot. And remember, I'm not one of those phony jerks. I'm the real thing. Castello, you're hopeless. No wonder you have no friends. Why, even Susan Miller won't talk to you anymore. And you know why? Why? Because you don't know how to treat a girl. Then why are certain types of women crazy about me? What kind of women are crazy about you? Crazy women. All right, Castello. Let's see what you know about women. Let's say we're in the palladium dance hall. Now, I am a girl. Now, you walk up to me and you ask me for a dance. What's your name? Oh, what's the difference? What difference? You don't expect me to dance with a girl. I don't know. Now, listen. All right, my name is Louise. Is that all right? How come you picked Louise? What's the difference? Any girl's name? Louise. Now, go ahead and ask me to dance. Louise, would you like to sit this out? Get it out. Why don't you ask me to dance? You don't think I'm going to get out there on a floor in front of all those people with a nuggly looking tomato like you? Are there any more gorgeous girls like you down in the tobacco country? Well, I was just full of them. No wonder that F.E. Boone can't talk straight. What's your name? It's a pretty dress you have on. Oh, Heidi. And in the right place. Hand me my dust cap, Abbott. This is the kind of housekeeper I like. There's a drop in here to see us. And I think it would be a sweet gesture on your part, Castello. If you'd show her the sights of Hollywood while she's in town. Oh, Mr. Castello, if you only would, then I could go home and tell all the girls I was out with a big, smart celebrity. If you do that for me, I'll give you anything you want. Anything? Anything. Now, what do you want? Could I have a pool key with my own initials on it? A kiss would be ample reward for a beautiful girl like that, Lou. Yes. Come here, Mr. Castello, and I'll give you a room. I can sew. And I can do housework and wash dishes. And I know how to take care of babies and do the washing. Sam's shovel detective disguises. And follow up and listen to your detective series. And I think you're marvelous as Sam's shovel, the great detective. And Mr. Shovel, I need your help. My wife has disappeared. When did she disappear? Yesterday morning at 7 o'clock. She left the house dressed in a nightgown. She had a frying pan in one hand and a box of matches in the other. Mm-hmm. Sounds like a pretty tough case. You say she left the house yesterday morning at 7 o'clock, wearing a nightgown and carrying a frying pan and a box of matches? Do you have any idea why she left the house? Oh, sure. She was cooking breakfast and the stove blew up. There's something familiar about that guy. Castello, isn't he your brother-in-law? No, sir. My brother-in-law is living. Goddamn! That's interrupted for another reminder on a serious subject. All that nice furniture they got, too. They couldn't dance with me. Then she took me out to the house of Murphy for dinner, but she wouldn't eat with me. Well, she wouldn't dance or eat with you. What did she take you for? $35. I can't believe yourself. Right now I need $75, and I don't know where to get it. Why, Abbott, you must have 100 friends that would loan you $75. Well, how about you loaning it to me? Abbott, you must have 99 friends that would loan you $75. Ignorant dope like you for money. Tell me, stupid ignorant. I'm a college-miffered university in the morning and UCLA in the afternoons. You dummy. Stanford is in San Francisco, and UCLA is in Los Angeles. Now, how could you go to both of them at the same day? Being an honor student, I had a long lunch hour. What does he say? The medical school at the University of Michigan. What was he studying? Nothing. They were studying him. Doing that same shovel detective series. The field is overcrowded and everybody on Ritty wants to become a private eye. You're right, Abbott. I know. It seems like every Tom and Harry wants to be a dick. Murder in a butcher shop? Or have you seen those prices lately? Pick another one. Okay, here's a very, very interesting one. I call it the case of the man who drowned in the Los Angeles River or dust be my destiny. Six months you'll have to get a new car. Has to say. I bought two gallons of narco gasoline in Chicago. When I got into Los Angeles this morning, I still had two quarts left. Thank you, sir. Thank you. What kind of a car do you drive? Who's got a car? I got a cigarette lighter. She can never get her typing done. Every time she got to the end of a line, the typewriter bell would ring. She'd go out to lunch. I don't even get a chance to eat. Last night I sat down to a bowl of chicken broth. I started to eat the broth. The phone rang. I came back, started to eat the broth again. Another call came. I had to go out and catch another crook. When I came back, the broth was cold. It was a gonody opera game. Famous cases. The case of the lady blue beard. I don't know why they call her the lady blue beard. She never killed anybody. Maybe it was because she had a blue beard. Except she was a flirt. She gave me the eye in Pasadena. She gave me the eye in Pomona. Then I caught her in Pizno Beach. Couldn't see where she was going. Suddenly through the window I see my pal, Lieutenant Amit of the Homicide Squad approaching. Abbot's a tough man. He's got a dirty look. An underwear to match. And the walking made my feet too big? Yes. Then I was transferred to the traffic department. And waving my arms all day made my hands too big? Yes. Now I'm really worried. They want me to ride a horse. I'm a policeman. He's got a trigger mind. And he ought to give it back to trigger. And he was nervous. He started fiddling with his nose. What makes you think I've got drag? And around Sam and see what you're dragging. Abbot has insulted me again. I looked him straight in the eye. He had arrogance conceit and meanness written on his face. Seems silly for a man of his age to go around with all those words written on his face. I can't. I haven't got a key. And I don't know how to open it. Why don't you use your head? I don't think my head will fit in the keyhole. This ain't no stick up. This ain't no stick up. Somebody better be holding up that ceiling. I'm up the ceiling. Yeah, probably something the rightest thought up because they were stuck for a finish. It's ridiculous. Oh, they want you to hear this. This isn't my contract. Well, thought you'd be in St. Louis on the 26th for the opening of It Happens Every Spring. Well, I'll be there, but I'm flying back for this great chant battle. It's for the benefit of the kids at the Lou Costello Junior Foundation. And it's to help juvenile delinquency. And that's good enough to get my support. Being staffed is headed by Eddie Forman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello. Our producer is Charles Vendor. Good night, folks. Thanks, everybody. Madison, good night.