 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay calm And I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic the four reasons why men go passive or slow Really quickly if you're brand new to my youtube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos and also if at any time during this video this content resonates with you Please do me a favor and hit that like button so more people get to see it in the youtube algorithm Alright, let's just jump right in. Oh really quickly if you're watching the replay I do the content first then I go to Q&A so just so you know You're gonna get the content first then go to Q&A and those who are regulars know if you ask a question post the word question And then write your question out but give me about 15 minutes to get the content out so we're gonna talk about those four reasons why men go passive or slow and Number three is a big one. We've got to talk about that So let's first identify what it means for a man to go slow or passive So I'm sure many of you have been indoctrinated into this idea that men are hunters and that they're chasers and they're chivalrous and they they're going to claim you and Certainly there are plenty of men who do that when a man is absolutely Smitten by a woman absolutely smitten by a woman from like whether it's meeting through an online dating app or meeting in some social Setting he is certainly going to approach her like a laser beam when a man is absolutely smitten now How often do men get smitten? That's actually kind of rare these days Especially considering that roughly about 90% of all new Dating prospects if you will most people are meeting these days through an online connection the internet connection It's a dating app. It's a social media app. It could be a dating website that sort of thing So the reality is is you're meeting a total stranger. So right off the bat We're gonna have some hesitancy in the beginning if we don't know you and so I want you to think about that You're meeting total strangers How excited are you with the total stranger? And I want you to think of how excited can man be so can a man really hunt chase pursue and everything unless he's Excited absolutely not now we need to differentiate between the men who are chasing sex The versus those who are serious about a relationship because a man who's chasing sex He will go after someone like oh my god. There's you know like get out of the way I mean everybody get out of the way. I want this But how long does that last and I want you to also think about this How many times have you gone on a first date where you've had really great chemistry explored the relationship only to have a guy Emotionally pull away. He disappears. He becomes flaky. He wants space that sort of thing So today we're going to identify what really causes a man to go slow because the reality is is Right from the get-go for those you are meeting through an online connection an online connection It's quite rare that we feel excited about someone's profile It's rare because most of the time people put together really crappy dating profiles I mean whether it's crappy photographs crappy essays, you know, it's just you know misspellings that sort of thing Most people have put together some weak representation of themselves This is men and women alike and so therefore there's no Enthusiasm to want to pursue someone right from the first get-go and then once you meet someone that either might be some Attraction to not you know not like lightning bolt, you know cupid hit you in the butt and I've had that happen It's very rare because we're meeting total strangers. We don't know their values We don't know if their lifestyles blendable with us And we don't know if they're really an emotional grown-up to be in a healthy happy juicy delicious relationship So this is what men and women are faced with these challenges So I'm gonna lean into what really causes a man to go slow Especially when the most of the time we're meeting total strangers Is this sinking in is this race? Resonating if it is do me a favor and hit that like button right now if you're watching the replay All right, so number one this is probably This is really the biggest but I wanted to say number three is the biggest for a different reason So this is probably the most Significant reason why a man goes slow. He's experiencing what I call chaos in his life chaos in his life He's going through a divorce Maybe he has a he's been divorced, but he has a contentious ex-spouse Maybe he has children that he has problematic issues with maybe has stuff going on at work that's struggling for him Maybe there's health issues going on when a man doesn't feel solid in his life It's very difficult to actively pursue a relationship So they're going to most likely take it slow, which will appear to be passive Now you might be saying to yourself well Why would a man pursue a relationship if he's got chaos going on in his life? Well, let's be real for a second human beings are thirsty for Connection we're thirsty for connection. We're dying for connection with another human being and men are biologically driven to want to have sex with a woman Biologically speaking so when you have the drive for the for connection and a drive for sex We might pursue Relationships when we're not emotionally ready when we're not emotionally healthy and it makes matters worse When there's chaos going on in their life I can't tell you how many women I talked to as a coach on a regular basis Who have invested time energy and resources into a man who's absolutely? Incapable of being in relationship, but he's in chaos and yet sadly with many of these women and some of you women are Beautiful human beings your nurturers your lovers your fixers and you take on these projects only to have yourself Disappointed that when a other heat what if he heals? He ends the relationship with you because he wants to become a bright shiny penny to someone else Let me repeat that he wants to become a bright shiny penny to someone else or He I had a thought where did it go? Right shine he moves on or he's just he doesn't progress beyond his wounds or traumas or issues So this is what you're dealing with when you choose to date men with chaos This is why when clients hire me in my private coaching practice I teach how to vet for that level of emotional maturity how to ask the right Questions in the dating process so you write actually before you ever meet a man So you can actually determine this this person really fit into my life Or if I am I merely approaching this from a place of attraction and chemistry? And that's what I do in my private coaching and check out the link below This if you're interested with if you're interested in a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you Okay, number two and this one is near and dear to my own heart is Men who lack passion or purpose in their life men who lack passion or purpose in their life And let me explain an example of this and this is from my own personal experience So after going through after turning 40 and going through the divorce about a decade and a half ago I Found myself. I lost my quarter million dollar your job the month my ex-wife and I or my then wife And I decided to separate I lost my quarter million dollar your job Shortly thereafter. I got wiped out in the market crash of 2008 and I found myself Suffering deeply suffering deeply and I drank I did cocaine. I was a train wreck and I was going through all this chaos in my life and at that time I Mean I actually had to move in with my mom and dad in my 40s I had to move in with my mom and dad and I used to live in a two million dollar home I told you I had a quarter million dollar your job I had a private membership to a golf course and now I'm living in my 100 square foot room and my parents Condo at a retirement community talk about feeling shame. I was a train wreck and yet I was actively dating actively dating actively dating why because I sought connection In a you know connection and sex but I so wasn't capable of being in a relationship Hmm Moscow mule happy hour. Hope you're drinking. Let me know if you are what's your cocktail of choice? Hmm. This just happens to be my video cocktail of choice. My normal drink is a vodka martini Either gray goose or Tito's Okay, so going back to the original point was so at this point in my life. I lacked purpose I lack passion. In fact, it was so depressing for me That I mean, that's why I told you I was drinking I was doing drugs, you know Just to numb the pain because I lacked purpose in my life. I lack passion now interestingly enough at this time. I Started my dating coaching business. I first helped women improve their online dating profiles That's how I got started this was helping women improve their online dating profiles and a woman would hire me fix her profile Literally within three weeks. I get phone calls Jonathan. Oh my god. I met a great guy Jonathan I met a great guy Jonathan. I met a great guy and then it would be can you look at his profile and tell me what you think? And I realized I could look at men's profiles and I could determine the men who were players Ghosters serial daters serial monogamous nice guys bad boys and the right girl right guy for you I literally had a knack of profiling men and that's how I started my coaching practice So I I be so I started to have something to look forward to and when a person doesn't have something to look forward to They don't have the ground underneath them very solid to be in a relationship Which causes them to be passive or slow because how can we pursue a woman if we can't take care of our Well, that's the chaos peace taking care of ourselves But how can we pursue someone if our life is in chaos and we lack purpose? We lack passion and by the way many women are experiencing the exact same thing Everything I'm sharing with you is something I experience in the dating realm as a man from women Who lack purpose or passion who lack as who are going through chaos in their life There's nothing fun about that and so while they might want to be connected in sex They have an incapacity to go into deeper intimacy deeper intimacy, and that's one of the greatest challenges we're dealing with Okay, let's get to number three the big one Um, all right. Let me put on my trusty glasses. See what I wrote Okay Oh So these are the men who are set in their ways set in their ways in other words It's my way or the highway and here's the thing since i'm a dating coach for those of you in midlife Which is after baby making years and before retirement A man who has been by himself relatively by himself For quite some time become set in his ways and when a man is set in his ways the dating process is on his terms Okay Now I know many of you love the idea that a man will leave the dating process and he'll be chivalrous and he's going to claim you Oh my god when I hear that from the princess coaches out there I I call them the princess coaches These are the coaches that are teaching princess energy this false energy of prince charming Now if there are prince charming's out there They represent one percent to the population and quite frankly of that one percent of the population You're only attracted to one percent of them So it's one tenth of one percent of one percent of the population Are these prince charming types, but I know a lot of you have taught this but the reality Let's get to the nitty gritty in the reality of men as men age they get set in their ways So what happens is that they act passive or slow because they're going to see you on their terms And not at your discretion I know a lot of you will hear this and I've even said it myself when a man genuinely loves you He's going to accommodate himself for you That's true But a man who becomes set in his ways and the older men get The more set in there the more the older men get the more set in the ways they are So just recognize that when a man is acting passive or slow It's oftentimes because he's rigid in his own and quite frankly He sees you as a maybe in his life a maybe And a maybe is I like you I enjoy the connection and the sex But I really don't want much more Which kind of leads to quite frankly the fourth one i'm about to share with you the fourth one and that is Oh, so these are men who are what what's experienced I call it it's what ester parel called stable ambiguity But these are men who are seeking casual relationships. So that's really what it is casual relationships Also known as stable ambiguity if you're not familiar with the work of ester parel ester parel mating and captivity mating and captivity She talks about something called stable ambiguity. What that means is it's a relationship is exclusive and monogamous And yet it's ambiguous as to where it's going When men are only interested in the casual relationship, we can want connection and sex from a woman But if we're going to hold some space between you we don't want to get too close Because we don't want to make a promise we can't keep Okay, and what happens is that space in between is where we act slow Because we want to keep space and distance from you because we're incapable of going into deeper intimacy This is one of the reasons why I encourage men to start reading my book. What the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? It's a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work To shift into being able to love yourself So you can actually shift out of this desire to be in something casual And to be in something a little bit more concrete. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know so Can you now understand why men act these are just some reasons why men act passive or slow They think of you as a maybe they're set in their ways. You're coming across as princess energy There's chaos going on in his life. He lacks passive passion and purpose And there's a lot of other factors to consider. Do you share the same values? Do you share the same values? Are your lifestyles blendable? And then lastly emotional maturity and this is the hardest piece to vet for so when I created my private coaching program And it's all to teach you how what I call vetting it's pre-qualifying your prospect or pre-qualifying the relationship because I want you to imagine this you've got a you're interviewing for a job and you have a hundred resumes lined out You're going to pre-qualify each resume You know, and i'm talking about someone who has an extensive resume. It's not height hair looks and that sort of thing It's deeper And so going through the job interview process is to decide if you actually want to date to hire someone So you go through a pre-qualifying you go through resumes Then you have an interview process Then you maybe have another interview process before you actually consider maybe hiring them So i'm here to teach you a better way to date mate and relate basically by teaching you how to ask better questions And i'm going to talk about that a lot more and some of the questions you should be asking in the dating process Now really quickly I have a confession to make with everyone right now We're going to take questions in a second. So write the word question and post your question out or Purchase a super sticker or a super chat The money that comes from my super stickers in super chat goes to a foundation i'm creating for my son connor That's him right there. He's my son who passed away a few years ago And my goal is to create a scholarship fund for those to get Personal development work. So that's my eventual goal and i'm in the process of working on that So every super sticker every chat that you if you want to post a question or donate to me goes to that So like I said, I have a confession to make I didn't realize it, but this red sweater I am burning up. So I have a t-shirt. I'm going to put on I'm going to step away from the the screen for about 12 seconds bear with me because I am sweating like a pig But don't leave i'm there. I'm here and I don't want to show you Um, I didn't want to take off my shirt in front of everyone Okay Ah, that feels so much better. Do I look better with my stay salty shirt? Those who know my son who passed away his nickname is salty and so um So it says stay salty. All right Ah, I feel so much better boy. That sweater was hot. All right. Let's uh take questions now So if you have a question, please post it I'd love to chat with you about whatever you want to talk about So just a reminder, write the word question and post your question now really quickly I want to share something with all of you. Um, I've recently was following a few of my contemporaries in the dating realm or in the in the relationship realm what not one happens to be both um are are Once well one's a man. One's a woman and the man is basically Basically professes to women a very patriarchal way of dating a patriarchal way of dating In other words, men are the dominant force in the relationship and dating process and a woman must be subservient I repeat that men are the dominant force in the relationship process and a woman must be subservient And he basically touts the importance that a woman just be subserv basically look good Be friendly put up with his crap and be You know submissive to him and that's uh the key to relationship success now quite frankly when I read hear that I I cringe because it's such Archaic way of looking at relationships. This is terrible now I understand kind of some of the reasons why they he shares what he does But I think this is very damaging to Subjugate yourself and give your power away to another human being I just don't recommend that And so I just wanted to address that because it's something that frustrates me and another thing that frustrates me Are the coaches that tell women just simply be friendly kind and nice And within six weeks you'll figure out if he's really your guy It takes they basically claim that it takes about six weeks to determine if he's emotionally healthy If your lifestyles are blendable does his action match his words is the emotional grown up that sort of thing Look at I'm you know, that's certainly a great way to go But let me just say this you're friendly. You're nice You go out with someone for six weeks and then it doesn't work out then two weeks later You're back out there. You're friendly. You're nice. You've got another six weeks And you're then it doesn't work out and then you're friendly and nice It doesn't work out and this happens again and again again Do you know I've spoken to women who have had over a thousand dates in a 10-year period of time I've actually spoken to one woman who had that but I've spoken to women who have had over hundreds of dates with men And they've gone nowhere This is why and by the way, I got a text message from a client just now She had finished working with me six months ago And she just sent me a message wanting to tell me that she's in this great relationship Why because I teach a technique called vetting for emotional maturity and Prequalifying your prospect ladies. Please understand any man before you go out with them is strictly a prospect It's not a date. Your first date is simply a meeting. It's a sniff test Sniff test like a dog. You're just sniffing to see if you're right for one another It's not don't get so hung up on the oh my god. I've heard from women I expect a man to take me out to dinner. I expect a man to do this on a first date I expect a man to be chivalrous. I expect this As my friend guy blue says expectations is the mother of disaster and desperation is her twin sister ladies stop Expecting these sort of things just recognize that two human beings who barely know each other are going to struggle in the beginning Of getting to know one another So I'm here to be a proponent Of just approaching the process a little bit smarter by asking some really good questions right off the bat For example a really great question might be What does a relationship look like for you and what does commitment look like for you? I'm gonna repeat that What does a relationship look like for you and what does commitment look like for you? Now those who follow me know here's my pat answers if a woman asked me that I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities and hobbies Mutual interests spending time with family and friends traveling together being partnership for one another both in our personal And our professional life including intimacy, which is both emotional intimacy and physical intimacy Which leads to either living together or getting married I'm crystal clear and I will only invest when someone who I think would she and I would be a good fit So everything i'm teaching my clients. It's because i'm doing it Now how you do it is also a big part of this challenge And so i'm a big proponent if you're struggling with this Check out the link to a free discovery call with me or join my private group called midlife love mastery Check out my book or listen to my podcast or keep watching these videos I hope you're getting value from them. All right time to answer questions. I gotta wipe down my glasses Question, how was your friend's birthday the other day? I hope you enjoyed yourselves Uh, yeah, my friend's birthday was great. I got to hang out with my guy friends. Um, just wonderful. Thanks for asking. I appreciate that leaf Um Kelly, thank you so much. You've donated to the connor fund and I really appreciate that. Thank you so much big hugs to you sweetheart um Thank you. How you help me with every session. Thank you so much. Liz I'm grateful to be able to support you and grace has a question. So let's check it out Hmm Question, why do so many women forget that they are the prize and Get to choose the giver of the package many seem so ready to settle for crap. Okay Now be candid with you grace. I'm not a big proponent of anyone thinking that they're a prize per say I certainly am a big proponent of knowing your self worth Okay, and certainly your self love, but we have to be careful with the idea of prize Okay, because I don't walk around thinking I'm the prize. I do know I show up Healthier than most men out there more demonstrative more effusive. I do know that but I I'm careful not to go into the egoic I'm the prize because what happens with that consciousness, especially this queen consciousness Is here's the thing. I'm all proponent you can say you're the prize But also recognize that a person who's a queen or a king Operates as a giver and not a taker a giver not a taker Now what happens is and I'm going to share something that matthew hussey I learned from him he uses an example called Invest and test invest and test invest and test in other words I'm a big proponent to give and see if the person matches you And see if that person gives and see if you match them And so because the healthiest relationships are with two Receivers as well as two givers. I guess is that four people? Wow, that might be kind of a fun relationship Just kidding, but I think you get my point a giver and receiver and a giver and receiver So yes a lot of women take crap because they've given their power away So it's not so much about being a prize. I'm a big proponent to step into your empowerment step into your empowerment And recognize that you have to be careful with the language of prize or queen Because if you're going to act like a queen you better treat a man like a king And I got to tell you a lot of women actually don't do queen energy They do princess energy princess energy is basically daddy daddy take care of me king king Take care of me and do all the work and just hand me my prince charming because I don't have to do anything I just sit back in my feminine energy. I just lean back in my feminine energy. That's princess energy a real Oh, I was going to say a real woman. I don't like that analogy Okay, a person who is truly Coming from a heart center place operates from being a giver And I'm a big proponent of two people being givers in relationships But they also have to have the capacity to receive And so yes, I'm not a fan of giving your power away And allowing someone to treat you like crap now It's kind of hard when you feel connected to another human being or you feel Attached I mean so many of you are attached to men who are wrong for you This is why I highly recommend reading two books attached by Amir Lavigne and Rachel Heller And also getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Why do I recommend these two books? Let me tell you why This will explain why you keep choosing the same men over and over and over again This will explain that and this will explain why you get attached to people who are not right for you And when you understand these two things, you're going to be ahead of the game You won't be choosing as often the wrong person for you and you'll be loving on yourself ever so more Okay, did that does that resonate with you? I hope it does. Uh, thanks again for your question grace. That was a good one Alrighty then Um over 50 we all slow down and don't care as much honestly. I think friendships are great much more enjoyable I had a 17 year marriage and dated after lovely suitors wanting to be married. Keep it fun. Okay I listen There are plenty of people who just care about having fun. Just have a good time It's all about having a good time. Have a good time. Here's the problem with having fun You become emotionally attached to someone who's wrong for you And then they break up with you and then you do it again and again and again And what happens and wears on your emotional well being It can actually cause you more harm than good. I listen. Don't have fun I mean, you're listen, you're welcome to do whatever you want You want to have casual relationships knock yourself out if you want to have friends with benefits Knock yourself out if you want a situation knock yourself out if you want partnership Follow my work. That's what I lean into. I am not against any type of relationship out there Just choose a relationship that you're crystal clear on what you want And i'll tell you so many women don't know what they want or you do and it's at the 40 000 foot level It's up in the clouds because you've been indoctrinated in the notebook and serendipity and disney movies and everything So i'm here to say be more clear on what you want and certainly a person could have something casual Like what you're describing because let's face it Dating is a clusterfuck out there dating is an absolute clusterfuck out there. It's a mess These little devices has absolutely ruined us from our chance to actually no It's created great opportunities But it's wearing on our emotional well being And if you if your if your heart gets Tainted what is it tarnished too much? It's going to be hard to open your heart up Not tarnished but armored up. I can't tell you I was communicating with a woman the other day on a dating site And I could tell over the phone She is so beaten up by the process of dating and her experiences that I just didn't even want to talk to her It was like a it was just it was like trudging through mud and I and by the way It's an occupational hazard. I I'm a listener. So I ask questions and I listen And she felt safe enough to chat with me, which is great But what she didn't realize is she was vomiting her Her bitterness her jadedness and many of you get there because of too many repetitious Poor experiences and by the way, here's the problem with a lot of male dating coaches male dating coaches operate from the male brain male men can go out with a hundred women And not even be phased after 99 of them. Okay a woman goes out with 100 men And and she's and you know another Not a good experience not a good experience. Her heart just becomes heavy We men can do this because we can detach much easier than women most of the time I'm not saying this is an absolute as most of the time So just recognize that you're better off learning how to ask the right questions in the beginning Then Approaching the process just be fun and be a nice be a good girlfriend and then find out six weeks later He's a train wreck. By the way I listen I went out with women who said to me jonathan. I know you're a train wreck But I want to date you anyway. I had one woman that said that maybe well actually more than one Actually, take the back My most significant relationship knew I was a train wreck But she accepted me anyway and quite frankly she needed healing too. We were actually great for each other Because maybe on some level she chose me I think many of you choose the wrong men because you're not really ready for a relationship And you need to experience enough chaos so you can start doing this Love yourself. I can't begin to tell you how few women actually genuinely how few human beings genuinely love themselves This is why I wrote my book By the way, I'm really excited. My book has been in the top 10,000 of amazon lately There's a link below to check out the book. It's it's dedicated to my son connor And it's really a great place I'm very proud of it and I would love for you to order it and just write a review Check out the link below. All right. Let's see what other questions we have Seeker of knowledge says Can you help a man who does not resolve any conflicts because he just walks out he he hid this Until after married for years, please too late vetting. He passed only mirrors my convictions I think I understand what you mean. Well first off It's very natural for human beings to avoid conflict avoid conflict It's one of the reasons why when I said to you men only have so much capacity on emotional level Because we're not prepared to handle conflicts It's one of the reasons why many men don't go into deeper intimacy because they don't have the tools To navigate emotional well-being of another human being and so what they do is they close off And if this happens for too long, it's going to be very difficult for them to open up And no woman can open up a man enough unless he wants to work on himself This is why i'm a big proponent of the hoffman process the hoffman process And the hoffman process is a deep dive into your childhood wounds and traumas that blocks our emotional maturity This is why whether you're a man or woman, I highly recommend I highly recommend doing this inner work Damn it. My pants are writing up my crotch again. Excuse me I guess that's a problem when you don't wear underwear and by the way, I've got pants on I'm wearing jeans. So just you know, so you know But People who haven't done the inner let me just say this the vast majority of the population does little Inner work to heal their childhood wounds and traumas as was as well as their adult traumas The average person will spend more time brushing their teeth taking a shower Grooming themselves or putting on makeup Then they ever do doing interpersonal work on themselves or excuse me personal development work self-help and spiritual work This is why i'm such a big proponent of reading these books one of the books I love the most is the untethered soul my michael singer This will teach you how to talk to the voices in your head. Do you have voices in your head? You don't know how to navigate purchase this book. It's in the link below. It will change your life This is my bible. It's by my nightstand pages are, you know Crinkled open because I love reading this book Okay, let's keep going Ah Sorry, it just takes me a little time to check this out. Don't forget if you have a question Um hit the word question and then post it Um Hi jay, what about getting back with an x better timing perhaps Okay, so there's this saying It's a you know, uh timing Look at as far as getting back with an x I guess the question is do they want to get back with you? You know, it's one thing you want to get back to them But if you're going to choose to get back together then what's your fucking plan? Okay, because there was a reason why your relationship ended. What are you going to do to heal? The challenges that caused you to break up now might have been that he was a train wreck Okay, I get that and sometimes we want to come back to the well But I want to highly recommend you have a plan and you do some serious vetting To make sure that you're both on the same page because ladies. Okay, let me just say something This is really important. So listen up. Listen carefully Most dating advice is centered around attraction attraction in other words, how do you develop attraction? And basically centered around chemistry. Okay, so great Attraction, how do you create attraction? Be friendly? Be smile. We're a nice dress, you know Just be friendly smile. We're a nice dress. You're attractive. I get it. Brush your hair. Have a big smile Make up all that stuff. Right. You're attractive. I get it. Okay Now you start dating. He's attractive. He's six foot two full head of hair Handsome's got a great job. Oh wait. Am I describing myself? Just kidding All right, that was a little ego braggadocious coming out. I'll own it Okay, so now you're attracted to one another and you're dating for that six weeks only to find out his actions don't match his words He doesn't have empathy. He is in victim consciousness. He's not very transparent and he doesn't know how to resolve conflicts This is because most people focus on attraction and not what I talk about and that is pre-qualifying your prospect vetting for emotional maturity Determining who's truly compatible with you and asking the right questions Ladies the biggest problem with dating and men men if your men are listening to this as well is dug on Is learning how to ask the right questions the other day? I um Not too long. I was interacting with a woman And I said screw it. I'm just going to go through my laundry list of questions on the phone And after we got through it. I realized she's not right for me So I didn't get dressed up for a date. I didn't drive for a date I didn't only to you know because here's what would happen got dressed up picked a place drove for a date paid for a date We would add chemistry. We would have dated for a few weeks We would add sex and I would have realized I would have broken up with her because she's not right for me So do the same for yourself. I want to encourage you to ask better questions And if you need some support, that's what I do check out in the description the discovery call with me all right So anyways I got off on a tangent By the way, I sometimes go off on tangents. It's what I do Leaf says I agree with you 100. Thank you leaf Um All right, let's see what other questions we have Okay, angie Are you familiar with parental alienation? I ask this because I am one and high school friends then I reconnected I'm not familiar with parental alienation other So I am quite familiar with childhood wounds and traumas that are a result of either our direct parents or our surrogate parents This comes back to the hoffman process Understanding our childhood wounds and traumas So no sadly, I'm not familiar with that But then again, it might be important to get this book getting the love you want So you can understand the amago and why we keep choosing the same people over and over again And expecting different results Sorry, but I'm welcome to study it By the way, I am currently getting my cognitive behavioral certificate a therapy certificate. So maybe that might come up at some point um Hi tina all right What do you think about a guy who talks like and treats you Wait, what do you think about a guy who talks like and treats you like he's crazy about you and you're exclusive But refuses to take down his dating profile So it depends on what time frame we're talking about here lisa and thank you. That's a great question So if you're you know, here's my feeling. This is actually my true feeling If I'm smitten by someone I'm not really interested in being on the dating sites and quite frankly, it's rather distracting to have all these sites because I average about 10 or 15 I I typically get about 10 or 15 emails a day from women from the variety of different sites that i'm on now Sometimes that's because they recognize me professionally. It's interesting since I Since my youtube channel has been blowing up. I'm getting a lot of people who recognize me professionally So that happens, but my point is is I don't want the distraction So so but here's the thing It's difficult to be single To be active on the dating sites to be talking to lots of women and then all of a sudden like someone There's actually this kind of It's it's kind of like you've been so entrenched in the process that it takes a little time to unravel the tapestry To actually go. Okay. I'm done with dating. So you it we can actually become rather addicted to the swipe Right a friend of mine calls it a big obliga swipe, but we can become addicted to the swipe and And so one that so it might take a little time for someone to do that But here's the thing. I think the minute you have sex together Not one time But if you're going to have sex twice then you have every right to say take down your dating profile or i'm not sleeping with you Um and not that you can guarantee he's going to do that But i'm a big proponent of saying look i'm taking down my profile And if we're going to have regular sex together, I request the same of you But really about the time you have sex is the time to and by the way when you have sex You should be talking about monogamy and exclusivity monogamy and exclusivity It's something and if you need help with that here, let's see I call it cares You see that c a r e s cares and i'm going to explain this to you care stands for The c stand. Oh, this is about sex. Okay. This i'm sorry. This is about sex If you're going to have sex with someone I think you should do it when you feel comfortable. That's what the c stands for The a stands for be aware of the consequences and what I mean to say is if you attach very easily to someone Then be aware of that so you can be a little bit more selective The r stands for learn his real intentions Basically what i'm saying is ask better questions in the dating process. The e stands for exclusivity look it I don't want to catch cootie. So when i'm with someone I say look I want to be exclusive sexually are you on the same page with me because I don't want to catch cooties And the s stands for safety safety can be emotional safety as well as physical safety whether that's birth control whether that's condoms Whether that's getting an std test be safe c a r e s And my feeling is this if you're going to have regular sex together You have every right to say take your fucking profile down And by the way, you wouldn't say it that way. That's just me being curt all right um All right, let's see what other questions we have again if you have a question post the word question And uh write your question. So can you help him if he wants help? all right going back to If someone says I need your help then I believe a you know if you're a partner in their life then you should help someone Now but ultimately no one can heal themselves. They have to Excuse me. No one can heal another they have to want to heal themselves So how you can help someone is read these books that I talk about read the books How to be an adult in relationship read the book non-violent communication by marshal rozenberg Read these books by the way if you're watching the replay stop it rewind and check out the books I just mentioned read the book eight dates by dr. John and julie gotman and of course read my book What the heck is self-love anyway start reading books or go to workshops or start watching videos That's what I recommend pointing them in the direction Is one way of helping them enabling them isn't going to do anything to help you Enabling them isn't going to do anything to help you does that sink in I hope so All righty then Okay, leaf says overall my opinion life was far better before cell phones We practiced our people skills and learn how to read enjoy accept ourselves and other people without overthinking everything You know what that's why I said dating is a clusterfuck right now because of these These devices and quite frankly when you swipe enough people You you actually become You know disconnected with human beings. So yeah, this is it's a blessing and a curse at the same time That's why it's good to detox from our phones I know someone who detoxes from their phone once a week the entire day just to get out from underneath it And some people they do it for an hour a day They have a device that stops their phone from and I've actually stopped all my notifications Because I couldn't stand the constant bing bing bing bing bing bing bing bing It wasn't healthy for me. And that's a great post. So thank you so much All right, let's see what else we have there if you have a question post the word question uh Paracraft if a guy is really into you who'll want to contact you all through the day right not just at night You know what that's not true Look at men, you know, here's the thing you have to be careful only unhealthy human beings need constant validation Let me repeat that unhealthy human beings need constant validation most people Healthy human beings do not need to incessantly communicate with their partner Or the person that they're dating those by the way any of you that have incessant communication get ready for a bam God I just hit myself. Why did I do that? I literally hit myself to demonstrate a point It's going to be like hitting a two by four because nobody can keep up incessant communication Sometimes we're working all day. We've got shit to do So be careful with that expectation. And by the way ladies the telephone goes two ways All of you ladies that are going why doesn't he call me? I've been three days. He hasn't called me You can fucking pick up the phone yourself and text him It's not the man's responsibility to initiate all the contact. It should look like this for every five times He initiate contact do four. Okay, it's one less But if if he does five and you do zero then here's what happens. He does zero and you're like Wait a minute. I don't know what to do. He stopped talking to me No, maybe he just needs you to step up and be demonstrative and effusive as well I'm tired of this stupid stupid fucking leaning back rhetoric Feminine energy lean back. Let men do all the work. It doesn't work That's why I'm here shouting at the top of my lungs to teach a better way to date mate and relate And that's pre-qualify your prospects. So when you're with the right guy, it's going to be magical Is that something you would like? Please let me know Wow, that took a lot out of me. Uh, thank you for your question. Sorry if I was a little harsh Question if every if every start is about attraction, I suppose flirting How can I know if he's going if he's going more than sex? I mean, how can I not? Okay, so here's the thing Men who just want sex they want they'll try to conquer that as soon as possible because they have no intention of going the long Distant long term. So if he's too aggressively trying to have sex, that's usually a bad sign Now it's one thing in uendo is a little bit of flirting and kissing but a true A true emotionally healthy man Waits for the right time for both of you to have sex and there's it's not it's not a it's not a It's not a it's not a sprint. It's a marathon But here's the thing if two people are clicking really well And they've vetted one another then it's not uncommon to have sex somewhere Most people are having somewhere between the third and tenth date. That's about the average time frame these days 10 dates can take about six weeks to happen Usually people are having sex somewhere between the second week and the sixth week of the dating process It's very natural because let's face it sex is part of the decision making process for commitment Let me repeat that sex is part of the decision making process for commitment But the more he pushes sex and it feels uncomfortable to you That's a good sign. That's all he wants because I wouldn't push sex on anyone that doesn't want to have sex with me That's at least my way of looking at it Okay All right, Christina writes. Why aren't you not married? Okay. I'm gonna since you've asked I'm gonna put this out there So first off I was married and I got a divorce Then I was a train wreck for at least a half a decade seeking connection and companionship in sex But was not capable of being in a relationship until I met a woman in 2011 that I was smitten by But at this time I'll be candid with you. I'm gonna tell you guys a truth You know, thank you for staying this long, but you're gonna hear something that I don't share too often I like like I said, I got wiped out in the market crash I didn't have a job. I was starting my dating coaching business and I had I was living with my mom and dad In a retirement community. My parents were in their 80s Talk about being ashamed and yet I met a woman who accepted my status In fact, she realized on the second date I lived with my folks And we went on to have a six-year kind of on and off relationship Probably in my life the most healthiest relationship now. She's a marriage and family therapist So she was very compassionate towards me. She knew my score, but my life my ground underneath me wasn't solid so This is true for so many men the ground underneath them isn't solid That's one of the reasons why men are passive or slow because that if the ground isn't underneath them isn't solid It's hard to fully commit and I was deeply madly in love with this woman and yet To one we weren't really that well aligned for one another in a variety of different places in our life And I wasn't in a healthy place now I began building my business building my business building my business And now I'm in a place where I mean my business is substantially greater than I was 10 years ago So when she and I ended our relationship and it was a beautiful conscious uncoupling in fact We uh, there's a book by um, katharine woodward tom is called conscious uncoupling on page 20 and 220 221 is our story of how we broke up together It actually made a book in fact what our breakup made the television that we When we broke up and there's a more of a story to that So what i'm sharing this with you is when she and I broke up about three and a half years ago Um, I went to the Hoffman process This is what I talked about to really do a deep dive into healing myself And I walked out of the Hoffman process feeling like I was wrapped in a blanket of self-love I felt like I was really wrapped up in a blanket of self-love And I was ready. I mean I felt really ready to be in relationship And then what happened next was my mom passed away There was a picture of my mom and dad when they were in their 20s my mom and dad My mom was 88 and she passed away And you know it happened suddenly, but we got a chance to say goodbye And you know that took its toll on me. I really didn't want to date during that time But the more devastating thing okay, I'm going to get emotional right now The more devastating thing happened to me to answer your question was I lost my 19 year old son connor just a few months after my mom passed away and folks I can't begin to describe The absolute pain of a parent losing a child It is such a devastating experience and you know, it's funny because connor said to me shortly before he passed He said to me this was one week before he passed. He said dad I am so proud of you what you're doing professionally that you have a job That you could get together with me whenever you want and I used to get together with him for lunch always And that was one week before he passed It hit me hard And I just wasn't in the capacity to want to open myself up emotionally to someone So what did I do? I did a deep dive into this book and and I started to be on the podcast circuit talking about grief and um And I just wasn't in a place and then my business tanked during that time, you know, I just didn't feel like working And so I wasn't really in a place to meet someone to even want to get married and I truly do And then 2020 hit and we had this pandemic going on Which makes it ridiculously fucking hard to connect with another human being other than through the internet And quite frankly people were so desperate that I was talking to women that were only desperate for connection They weren't ready for a relationship So Why aren't I married? I just haven't met my person yet. That's all It could happen tomorrow. It could happen a month from now. It could happen a year from now It might happen 10 years from now It doesn't matter because what I learned in this whole process And I'm glad if you stayed this long to hear this what I learned about myself was the most important relationship I have is with myself With myself and quite frankly I'm I have to be careful because I'm getting a little set in my ways I got to tell you I really like my company. I'm a recovering codependent if you're not familiar. Where's that book? I'm a recovering codependent if you're not familiar with the book codependent no more I basically operated for the longest time under the premise that I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself And this is what everybody is suckling on the nipple They're suckling on the nipple of needing validation Instead of learning to how to self soothe and self validate oneself. So I'm here to say That's the reason why at least my perception as to why I haven't met my spouse I've had a lot of trauma, but you know what that trauma did And you know what connor? I'm sorry you had to leave for me to learn the most valuable lesson in my life He had to pass away for me to learn to love myself and I don't wish that on anyone and And I and I come across a lot of parents who've lost a child if you can resonate with this Please post a comment if this If you've experienced anything similar I want to hear about it and I just want to send you a big gigantic job the bear hug of self love of love I should say because let's face it All of us are hurting in some way shape or form many times. It's I don't feel good enough I don't feel lovable. I don't feel likable and I'm here to be a voice To encourage everybody to love themselves and I had to learn the hard way and maybe Maybe reading this You don't have to you don't have to learn it the hard way like I did So thank you so much for your question and allowing me to share All right, so the non sequitur question is watching porn cheating so You know, I'm not an expert on porn, but I do believe that it's Look at you have to define what cheating is. Is it, you know Penis and vagina intercourse or is it masturbation and fast Fantasizing the reality is that men and women fantasize when they masturbate. Okay, women do it Men men typically need visual stimulation women do it in their head But if you masturbate and and if you fantasize even if it's not about your partner You know, is that cheating or even if it you know, if it's if it's not your partner is that cheating So my question is Why do people use porn? Well, I think or actually the danger of porn Let me talk about the danger of porn and what I think is the danger of porn and I don't use it anymore is that It desensitizes you too much masturbation Desensitizes you. I mean, I mean guys who over map. I think there is a level of over masturbation And you know, it's fine to have a release once a week, but I think as you get older that can wear on you I mean it makes it harder and harder to orgasm inside of a woman if you're Masturbating too heavily. That's just my perception on it. But do I think it's cheating? No, I don't consider that true cheating because the reality is is we're gonna sometimes people fantasize about others While they're having sex with you is that cheating? I don't know and I'm not here to judge What's most important if you want to have a healthy sex life here You want to have a healthy sex like sex life together? Read this book making love all the time and read this book Intimate communion by this is by barba de angeles. This is by david data These are two great books to shift your sex life When you learn how to make love all the time and really connect with your partner at a true emotional level Are you willing to do that hit that like button? All right, thank you Great question Isn't Jonathan isn't that overwhelming to be on all those sites if you are busy with the phone seems like a job so For me, it's not because quite frankly I only respond to people who reach out to me. So for the most part Um, you know, like I said, it's only about 10 or 15 emails in any or swipes or whatever in any given day It takes me about if that the most I spend 15 20 minutes unless I'm engaging with someone But 15 and 20 minutes to prospect for my soulmate I think it's worth it and I believe that the more sites you're on You create more spokes in the wheel because maybe my soulmate is on tinder and I've been hanging out on bumble Well, why not join tinder too and why not join hinge and why not be on match and why not be on okay cupid Now I don't spend a lot of time searching profiles because I created a killer profile in my mind that attracts women And I clearly say if you want to connect with me write me a message So that's how I operate um and ladies since men are usually pursuing you all you got to do This is the one time you get to sit back and your feminine energy and let them make an investment in you Unless you come across a profile that you think is special then you make an investment in them That's just my perception on it. Anyway, I hope that helps All right Michael writes once I was masturbating. It's been been a long time. My ex caught me. Okay. Thank you um Well, it looks like a lot of masturbation things Oh Jen amber big hugs to you by the way folks everybody right now jinn amber I want you to go to her youtube channel. She has a great product called a roller derma It's a way to make your skin look younger. Would you believe I'm 85 years old? I'm just kidding I go to jinn amber's channel right now on youtube. Just type in jinn amber check out her products. She is fantastic Fantastic, I highly recommend big hugs to you sweetheart all right, um Question I got back with my ex 26 days ago under the term we have a friend with benefit whatever relationship His ugly divorce finalized five months ago after a two-year separation. He's not ready to commit saying He's not he's he's not ready to commit Okay um So what is it you want vl? If he's not ready to commit why the question I have for you is why are you investing time in him? Why why do you feel like he's a good? So here's a couple questions. I want you to ask yourself Why are you investing time in him? What makes you think he's really capable of being in a fully committed relationship that leads to some sort of living together A marriage and do this ask your friends to review your relationship and get their advice Because I or or I want you to imagine this a girlfriend of yours is going through the same scenario What advice would you give her about your situation? Try those questions on and then see what happens for you. That's just my Invitation for you. Okay. Thank you so much Ah Once again, Vanessa roller-dermers amazing. I love gin amber me too. I love gin amber. Yay everybody Um question not me you wait not me you help Not me you help not me you help. What kind of question is that? Okay You know what folks? I think this would be a good place to wrap up for today Let's cover those four reasons why men act passive or go slow. Number one There's chaos going on in his life. There's chaos divorce issues his ground underneath him isn't solid number two He lacks purpose or passion in his life again. No if he's not excited about his life How can he be excited about relationship number three? He is set in his ways Not fun to be with a guy where it's on his terms and not on your terms as well And lastly he wants something casual known as stable ambiguity Meaning he doesn't know what he wants and how can he pick the right partner if he doesn't know what he wants I hope you found value in this video today. Please do me a favor share this with friends hit the like button Um share my content out join my mailing list check out the links in the description Below to see if working with the coach is right for you or join my group or Check out my podcast the what would love to podcast and check out the links to all the other books I recommend from the bottom of my heart. I want to thank you all for allowing me an opportunity to jump into your lives today I'm gonna have another drink of my Moscow mule. It's happy hour time. Go have a happy day And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jotha Bear hug of self love i'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now