 RCA Victor, world leader in radio first and recorded music and first in television presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye show The all-enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevrolet with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpeness music, yours truly Bill Foreman and our special guests Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Ordinarily Phil is a brave man and he fears nothing But tonight even he trembles a little when he finds out what the sponsor is planned for him But more about that later first a word from RCA Victor If you have a radio lying around the house that hasn't worked for months chances are you don't have to give it up for lost Probably it can easily be restored to its original fine performance If you learn that weak or worn out receiving tubes are the cause of your radio's troubles Have your serviceman replace them with top quality RCA tubes You can depend on RCA tubes to give you the best reception your radio can deliver So whatever make of radio you own when tubes fail be sure they're replaced with RCA tubes Look for the colorful red white and black RCA tube cartons on your serviceman shells or in his carrying case Dependable long-lasting RCA radio receiving tubes will help your radio perform at its best yet They cost you no more and now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris All this week Phil has been appearing at the automobile show in San Francisco During his absence the sponsor has hired Martin and Lewis to take his place on today's radio program When Phil heard about this he flew down from San Francisco to protect his interests Phil has just arrived home and he and Alice are discussing the situation Alice What's the matter with our sponsor hiring Martin and Lewis to substitute for me on today's show? Is he crazy or something? Why are you so upset about Martin and Lewis taking your place? Are you afraid they're too good? What are you talking about? What should I be afraid of them guys just because Dean Martin is good-looking and sings good and Jerry Lewis is very funny doesn't mean that I'm afraid. I'm not afraid. I just wish I was dead I ain't gonna let them be on my show Oh, but Phil the sponsor's already signed them and you just have to let them be on then I'm gonna be on with them That won't be necessary. We have a wonderful show lined up and if you insist on being in it, you'll only mess it up I didn't mean I know what you mean You just don't want me on the show nobody wants me on the show now, that's not true Phil I want you on the show and so does Elliot why only yesterday He was saying he's gonna miss your singing and the show won't be as funny without you He said that uh-huh Yeah, good old Elliot. I knew I could count on him that boy always stands up for me when he's able to stand Come in Hi, Alice. Well, you already do the show the Martin and Lewis tonight. Oh, we're gonna have a great show without curly Elliot of course the show ain't gonna be half as funny without curly without his singing. What's there to laugh at? Well, it's just as well he went to San Francisco Elliot ma'am turn around and looking back of you. Yeah, okay Hey, it must be a clear day. I can see curly all the way up there in San Francisco He looks a little hazy, but then he always does hi curly drop us a card Oh, that's silly. He couldn't hear me all the way up there. I heard you Curly I thought you're up north. How'd you get back so fast? I flew back this morning I didn't know there were any planes out of San Francisco this morning. There weren't Well, and how did you I just got a running start at a way? Well Certainly good to have you back Alice and me have a great show with Martin and Lewis as our guests So don't forget to stay home tonight and listen to it. You couldn't get me a ticket to watch the show. Could you? Well, I'm afraid not sir. The tickets are all good. Never mind I'm gonna be on the show if it's okay with you That's okay with me curly, but I don't know what you're gonna do Jerry and me will do all the jokes Alice and Dean will do all the singing Is there anything else you can do? Well, I can play the comb and tissue paper Or I can smile like Liberace You can't tell it from the real thing or I do a sensational Mexican hat dance. I do it on a humbird I Curve brim makes it more difficult. I'm always going uphill That might be entertaining never mind. I'm gonna sing and I'm gonna show you that it sounds something like this Long long ago in New Orleans On a little street of green I heard a crazy band There was Memphis Joe with his hidey home on and on his saxophone There was slip on slim you've heard of him and his laugh and slide trombone Hey Blake Pete playing hot and sweet on the bacon pot of camp As they play people sway this is where the blues began There was dogface jet with his clarinet hitting high notes up and down He was there with his slick black hair beating his drums like a clown While the book of a big round jug by hip cat dressing jeans. This is where the blues was born in New Orleans There was big nose test from the greasy vest weeping in her glass of beer There was gambler Jake playing table stakes for the seaboard engineer Natchez Lil she was dressed to kill singing love songs about her man As she moment people grown. This is where torch songs began Then the cat named salmon from Alabama started shooting up the flow Everybody broke through the pistol smoke for the windows and the door while the roar roar roar up a 44 busted up Those happy scenes. This is how the blues were born in New Orleans Let's see the Mexican hat dance. What's the matter? Don't you people like my voice? Your voice is fine Phil but with Dean Martin on the show the girls will be waiting for him to sing because he has a Romantic voice and you don't you kid Happens to be my business You want a romantic voice? I'll I'll give him my velvet fog job with a von Monroe float You mean to tell me you can sing a romantic ballad like Dean Martin, of course I can it's a cinch Listen to this See the pyramids along Watch the sunrise on a Tropic isle Just remember darling all the while You belong to me See the marketplace Oh Send me photographs and souvenirs Just remember when a dream appears You belong to Julius that's not a cow. It's mr. Harris. What's the matter? Is he having a bilious attack? Oh is here. Look, I wasn't having no bilious attack. I was singing in my romantic voice Emotions that was raging within me. Oh really? What kind of emotions? No, I'll sing another chorus and direct it toward my feet. Maybe it'll cure my gout Sing at your own feet that hot muscatel breath will drive anything away Take your shoes off. It'll get through What are you doing back here? I came back here to appear on my radio show tonight I don't trust that Martin and Lewis. They're lovely get too funny. Then I'm gonna lose my job You don't have to worry about losing your job. I don't cost not all looks voice and talent There's nothing to worry about except trying to find a nice mr. Harris could get another job in a minute He's a very talented man. Oh, I know in fact only this morning I was lying on the couch thinking out loud and I was saying Phil Harris is the funniest man on the radio He has the greatest voice and he's the best-looking guy I've ever seen and I also think that's as far as I got Why Look kid if you're having trouble with your head don't waste your time with a psychiatrist take it to a taxi dermis Better yet drill three holes in it. We can bowl it around till we get the kinks out of it Getting late. We're supposed to be at NBC for rehearsal. We don't want to keep Martin and Lewis wait I'm coming. You know something. I can't wait to get on that show with them two guys I'll show them a thing or two about how to be funny Yeah, oh, I gotta go wrong and watch this slaughter They're gonna barbecue this ham hop Cast is all here everybody except Martin and Lewis. Oh, they're not here yet. How good let's start the show Maybe we can get it done before they get here Well, you really are worried are you afraid that they're going to be funnier than you are it's possible After all they have an advantage over me. They're natural comedians. Whereas I'm really a lover Just toying with comedy so that's why I get hysterical every time you kiss me Don't give away our family secrets or I'll take away your electric blanket But frankly, I am a little worried these guys are big stars and well with them on the show Nobody's gonna pay no attention to me a curly They don't have to be on the show What do you mean these guys are accustomed to having people treat them like big stars and make a fuss over them So all we have to do is ignore them not pay any attention to them Yeah We'll make believe we don't even know who they are and they might get in solid leave That's a great plan fellas, but they'll never know what we're doing to them as long as we don't tell them So let's make a pact let's all swear not to tell them. Hey, that's a good idea. I Swear not to tell them. I swear not to tell them. I swear not to tell them How about you Julius Big trap clothes now look this is important to all of us now It's agreed that when they come in we'll all act as if we don't know who they are now I don't want nobody It's a pleasure for us to be here He's here for the pleasure. I'm here for the money Please folks we feel honored to have been asked to appear on one of America's great family shows don't we care? Oh, but of course it is indeed a pleasure to be the guest of those two lovable personalities mom par kettle Games happen to be Alice and fail by dad. I goofed. Yeah I shall try it again. It's a pleasure to the be the guest of Alice and Phil kettle Oh He's the foreign-looking gentleman on my right. We'll sing for you. Isn't he pretty girls? Oh, we sit your dog Go ahead sing for the people deanie darling. I Don't care if the sun don't shine to get my loving in the evening Stop that's enough. Don't make it too long the money short folks We're running over so good night everyone good night everybody we said good night for home already lady You want a third well put your shoes on and get out of here Are you college boys finished? If you are go back to your fraternity house and tell them that your initiation was a big success Beanie thinks I'm a college boy Well, I must be your haircut. Yeah, it looks like a fox tail hanging from a hot rod That's rich But we're not college boys our names are Martin and Lewis we work for NBC and they sent us down here Oh, then you must be the maintenance man. What happened to the two char woman that usually clean up Just a minute buddy We're busy now you can come back after the show and scrape the gum from under the seats He don't know us what's the matter with him? I don't know he doesn't look like a drinking man I resent that Look fellas, I don't know who you are, but you'll have to get off the stage We got a show to put on there. That's what we're here for we're the guests on the show Oh What type of work do you do? Oh, we're funny men. We tell jokes. We'll give you away for instance Dean, let's give him number 2028 and splendid. Yeah, that's a real old whiz bang jay Were you a pretty baby? I don't know all I know is a day I was born my father called the insurance company and said I want to report an accident Ha Dean he don't like it Well jerry you see I like it why he don't like it I don't know why he don't like it. I like it. I like it. I like her. She's my type Thanks, you're a pretty one my dear. We were meant for each other. Let me take you away from all this Shall we go to a cocktail bar and lounge? Hey, wait a minute jerry. This is my wife. She's alice fey alice fey. Ho ho. She's rich Hey, look fellas like I told you we got a show to do and we can't be bothered by a couple of tourists coming And all right hold it down there feel break it up. What are you trying to do? You know who we are? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew who you are Dean. I was just pretending I didn't know you fellas Why did you do that? What's the matter? No, do you want us on a show? You're afraid with funny and you are? Well, it's not that at all. It's just that we do a family show and I don't know whether you'd fit into it Why shouldn't I fit into a family show? I come from a family Family of what Of course, if you fellas think you'd like to take a crack at this type of show We're going to be glad to have you the scripts already. Do we have funny lines? Do you have funny lines? Do you have funny lines? Dean he ain't answering the question Or you just stop where and we'll find out if we have any funny lines when we rehearse the script Oh, no, look fellas. You don't have to rehearse. You're too clever to rehearse I'll tell you what the show goes on in an hour So you fellas just go to your dressing rooms and relax a splendid suggestion A cup of hot tea and my yogi exercises with with me in the pink come along beanie darling And look don't worry about nothing now because when the show's ready to go on, I'll call you fellas I'll get you Hey, Elliott. What didn't work. We're stuck with them. What do we do now? They're going to be funny on this show and murder me Why do they have to be funny because I saw the script and their lines are very funny We have an hour in which to make their lines very unfunny Well, you mean change the script Hey, they'd make excellent straight man Shall we have a go at it I just sent Julius to get Martin and Lewis and you'd better get ready. The show goes on in a minute Good good. I can't wait to get started Say, you don't seem to be too worried anymore about Dean and Jerry being too funny Don't worry. They won't be you see Elliott and I just rewrote their parts. You mean you the comedy lines We gave them shouldn't happen to H. V. Calton born You mean you gave them nothing but straight lines Oh, I wouldn't say that. We gave them such humorous gems as What is it? Well And heart the doorbell Not to mention such side splitters as goodness gracious. It's grandmother Anyone for tennis and they'll be immediate seating in the balcony, sir Phil, I don't think you should do that. I really well. We're all ready to go on fail You can start the show now. Oh good. Dane good. We're going to do a sketch Before you start that show mr. Harris. I want to know do we have any funny lines now? The sketch is a romantic triangle mean why you don't answer the question Alice knife play a husband and wife and you guys are her lovers. That sounds friendly, but do we have funny lines? uh Yeah, you might say that What are you crying about he answered the question. Yeah, but I don't like the answer Yeah Of course you have funny lines jerry look you and dean have all the jokes alice and me have nothing but straight lines Now stand by okay. We're ready to go on here The or enjoyment here is the alice fey phil haras show with their special guests that famous team Tonight we present a dramatic playlet starring alice fey and phil haras the names of all other characters in this play are fictitious Dean fictitious and jerry fictitious As our play opens our heroine is at home Ah my husband's gone at last and here I am alone with my lovers dean and jerry Gee it isn't every girl who has one and a half lovers Dean darling now that we're alone tell me how you feel about me pour out your heart and tell me everything you feel Well, oh, that's what I wanted to hear And you jerry I want to hear the same thing from you. Tell me how you feel about me Well, you say it even better than he does I guess I'm more passionate Jerry you've always been the only man in my life and every time I look at you There's one question that comes to my mind. I must know I must know What is it? Are you for real? Not only do they not give me funny lines. They steal my character. Where are the funny jokes away? Oh, I can't decide between the two of you you dean. You're so manly so strong so handsome And you jerry you're so so so so I know what I'll do. I'll just have to Park the doorbell That joke was so big it took two of us to handle it I know who that is. Well, we might as well face it and get it over with come in Ha ha so at last I caught you wouldn't it's gracious. It's grandmother It's who grandmother that's what it says on the paper here But that line don't make sense. You think that line don't make sense. Wait till you hear my next line Wait a minute. What's going on here? You fellas are making love to my wife and I'm not going to stand here and watch this Do you hear me? I'm not going to stand here and watch this. There'll be immediate seating in the balcony, sir Is that what I mean D? Alice, how could you do this to me? You claim you love me yet? I come home and find you in the arms of larle and hardy Of course, I know you how could I ever forget you every spring? I see your face on a bottle of bock bear Please will you just read your answer? It's a big yuck. Now. Let's continue. What are you doing in my house, sir? Do you know who I am? I happen to be of course I know you I saw your picture in a current issue with a radio mirror magazine. This is a yuck Dean this is a funny line Well, not quite as funny as the line I have coming up. Oh, this one's a smasher What is it? Gee mom, you've installed a culligan water softener Culligan is a funny wife Fellas, please we've got to finish the script. Why all I got left is anyone for tennis You got anything left jaren? Yeah, I say follow that path There's a shot and I dropped dead Please let's go on with the show. All right, but we're going to do it our way hit a chair Wait up, you can't do that. This is the rca victor show quieter. I'll burn you with my long playing chest appeal Dancing lessons and you know something I can kick over my head. Good kick it over here and I'll kick it back Fellas, you gotta stop this and the doctor said when I go to bed I should wear a night cap. I tried it for a week, but I had to stop Why the ginger ale kept dripping in my eye down the curtain play the music everybody So in just a moment the easiest and best way to play your 45 records is with rca victor's victrola 45 record changer It's the simplest surest automatic record changer ever made Why it's so easy to operate even a child can do it and here are the reasons There are no troublesome posts to adjust Records slip on the large center spindle so easily you can load up to 14 45 rpm records with one hand And because the victrola 45 has the changing mechanism in the spindle Records change from the center the simple modern way And here's something you may not realize 45 is the lowest priced automatic changer today by far Ask to see the automatic victrola 45 attachment. There's no other automatic changer within twice the price Rca victor's automatic 45 attachment which can play through any radio phonograph or tv set Costs as little as 16 dollars and 75 cents eastern list price You can enjoy all the advantages of the 45 system in rca victor's automatic three speed players too These have the same ingenious large spindle as the one on the victrola 45 player But on the three speed changer this spindle is removable So you can play your 78 and long play records on the smaller spindle Choose the player design for your record collection from the wide assortment of automatic victrola 45 players And automatic three speed players at your rca victor dealers This is phil again Folks, I want to thank dean martin and jerry lewis for coming over here and helping us so wonderfully With our little show i'm going to tell you something No wonder these two guys have been so successful Because well they're just regular guys they do so many wonderful things for so many people That they've got to be successful The 1953 red cross fund needs 93 million dollars to help our service men and women To conduct the vital blood program and to aid victims of disaster Answer the call contribute generously to the american red cross Thanks everyone for being so nice and good night. Good night everybody Included in this program transcribe were dean martin and jerry lewis Who may be seen currently in the paramount picture the stew the part of julius was played by walter tetley The wonderful songs from two of broadway's hit musicals are now on rca victor records From the musical comedy wish you were here the original cast sings the popular title song and three other hits And the stars of lennard sylman's new faces sing four of their reviews top numbers Listen to these new show music albums new faces and wish you were here at your record dealers tomorrow They're only one dollar and fifty cents each on rca victor's 45 extended play records Next here theater guild on the air over nbc