 Hey Psych2Goers, welcome back. This video is brought to you in collaboration with Anna from Anna Psychology, a channel dedicated to real-life applications to psychology. In this video we're going to talk about how to keep a relationship in the honeymoon phase for as long as possible. First of all, I know some of you based on the title may say that this is not possible, and that you can't keep a relationship in the honeymoon phase forever. It really depends on how you define the honeymoon phase. In this video, the honeymoon phase will be defined through three main qualities, idealization, passion, and lack of fighting. Can all of these three qualities be prolonged forever and with the same intensity at which they're found in the early stages of a relationship? Probably not. For instance, the idealization found at the very beginning of a relationship is not likely to linger forever at that intensity. However, you can draw out the honeymoon phase for much longer than average, which is about six months, and maintain certain elements of the honeymoon phase forever. No, this is not something you can accomplish if you don't even try, but if you do try your hardest and really work at keeping your relationship fresh, passionate, and happy, then you can probably incorporate aspects of the honeymoon phase well into your relationship and maximize the happiness of your long-term relationship. So before we get into how exactly we can keep a relationship in the honeymoon phase, we have to discuss the three characteristics of the honeymoon phase in a bit more detail. So what is realistic for us to keep forever and what should we probably accept will disappear? One really important component is the idealization of your partner. This is when you're in the early stages of their relationship and they can do no wrong. They can have no negative qualities. Nothing is unattractive about them, and they're a perfect human and perfect for you. This is something that helps two people bond in those early stages of a relationship and build a strong foundation that will last them for years. But it's not realistic and not necessarily healthy to keep this outlook forever. It might make it difficult for you to set boundaries or to acknowledge that what they're doing sometimes is wrong, or it may swing to devaluation because idealization tends to go hand in hand with devaluation, which is when you swing to the completely opposite side where your partner messing up means they have no value. Another aspect of the honeymoon phase is passion. This is when you want to spend all of your time with them. You feel a strong physical connection to them. You get butterflies around them. You get intense emotions because of them. It could be jealousy, infatuation, anger or happiness. You can and absolutely should try to keep the passion in your relationship past the honeymoon phase. Without passion, the relationship turns into more of a friendship. This does tend to happen with long-term relationships. Once you spend a lot of time together, you know each other really well and you get comfortable. If passion disintegrates, you become more like friends than anything else. And while you can still be committed to them at that point, and therefore still feel bonded with them, if passion decreases, that puts a relationship at risk of wandering eyes and dissatisfaction. Another aspect of the honeymoon phase is the lack of argument. The honeymoon phase usually ends right around the point when you have your first fight. So if you're fighting very early in the stages of your relationship or before you even got together, that can be a red flag. Relationships that aren't good in the very beginning hardly ever last long or last happily. And definitions of arguments vary from person to person. Based on culture, upbringing, the dynamics of their relationship, etc. One person might define fighting as verbal or physical aggression, yelling, not listening to each other, stonewalling, and so on. But it may be even healthier to have a lower threshold for what you consider fighting. Maybe you define fighting as your partner speaking over you, taking small jabs, lack of empathy, and so on. This is an unpopular opinion, but you can absolutely ensure that you have very few arguments in a relationship, if at all. The notion that all couples fight is somewhat toxic and sets a low standard for how romantic partners should treat each other. It's not reasonable to expect that of other types of relationships, such as, oh, all teachers and students fight, all uncles and nephews fight. No, that's not an accurate generalization that all couples fight. It may be very common, but we should not simply accept it because it's common. We should be working to prevent it. Okay, so we've talked about the components of the honeymoon phase. Idealization, passion, and no fighting. Now, how do you stain the honeymoon phase for as long as possible, or incorporate aspects of the honeymoon phase throughout your relationship? Let's start with passion. How do you foster passion? Some distance can help. You know the expression, distance makes the heart grow fonder? It can definitely be true, although I'm not necessarily talking about physical distance. When you're always grasping at someone and they're always just out of reach, it does rile up your passion for them. And that could be because of physical distance, like living apart or having other responsibilities. But it could also be because someone is playing you, manipulating you, always trying to play hard to get. If a couple is together 24-7 for the first few months of their relationship, they might think that they're making the most of their honeymoon phase. But in reality, they could be ending it prematurely. It's important to remember that you can always place a little bit of distance between you and your partner. It doesn't have to involve running to the other side of the world. It could be keeping yourself busy with hobbies, not canceling girls' night, going home to see your family. All of these things allow you to return to your partner after some distance and come back feeling more passionate for each other, with new and interesting perspectives to share. Even when quarantining together, it is possible to have some distance, so that you're not always focused on each other. The reunion after a long day of not seeing each other is so much more exciting, warm, and passionate than the reunion after a day that you spent together. Another tip for growing passion is not to get lazy, to continue to always try to woo or court or impress your partner. And I know that sometimes people don't like to hear this, but it's true of any aspect of your life. Would you think you can maintain a successful business if you didn't keep working at it? What about keeping good grades if you don't do your best in school? We need to understand that breakups are always a possibility, and that we can't take our partner for granted. The second you get complacent, it becomes a possibility that your relationship will suffer. So how do you keep working at your relationship? You can continue to initiate dates. Even in quarantine, there are ways to have romantic date night. You can keep yourself looking presentable and sharp, well-kept. You can keep your home tidy as if you're still trying to impress someone coming over. You can keep being chivalrous or courteous like holding the doors open for them, saying please and thank you, complimenting them, and so on. Another way to rile up the passion is through random acts and words of affection or appreciation. For example, get them flowers when you're at the supermarket, say I love you, or take their hand when you're just working next to each other. Also try to switch things up at least once a day. For example, if you usually go watch TV right after dinner, suggest a board game one time. Also don't stop making them laugh. Laughter is medicine. Be the person that gives your partner joy and laughter. You don't want someone else to be that person. And how about preventing arguments? How do you make sure that there are no arguments? If things are getting heated, lower your voice, because sometimes you don't realize that your voice is getting louder and louder. Also, sugarcoat things a little bit. If you feel like you can and want to tell your partner the most blunt thing, rethink that. Because we think that we can get away with being a little more rude with people that we take for granted, or that we think aren't going to leave us. But ask yourself, would I speak this way to my boss? Would I speak this way to a person at the supermarket? If not, reconsider, reframe it, sugarcoat it, and say it nicer. Because if you take this person for granted, it's going to show. Also use a lot of I statements, instead of saying you always do this, or you get on my nerves, say I feel this way because of this thing that happened, or I need this from you. I need that from you. I statements are very helpful. Also physical touch to remind them that you care about them. It's crucial if things are getting heated to remind them that you care about them through affection. This can be as simple as just placing a hand on their hand. It gets happy hormones going in their brain when they're reminded that you love them. And validate their point of view. Make it clear that you understand their perspective. Say I completely understand. You're working really hard and I've been slacking with the dishes. So we talked about how to avoid arguments in relationship. How do we keep the passion alive? What about maintaining a little bit of that idealization? We spoke in the beginning about how idealization is the one that isn't really necessary to incorporate throughout your relationship past the honeymoon phase. But we should still keep a little bit of it. You can do this by boasting about your partner and their accomplishments and positive qualities to others, or even to them. You can tell them, you're so pretty, you work so hard, you're so good at what you do, and so on. Always keep a running list of green flags, especially if you keep a list of red flags, and especially if you already know you value this relationship for the long term. Ask yourself, what do I love about this person? What are they wonderful at? Because if you look at that list or run through the list in your head and you realize how great they are, you're much more likely to idealize them. Also, verbally point out all of the wonderful things that they do. And don't stop saying please and thank you. Every now and then, when you look over at them, especially now when you're quarantined together, just look over and think how great they are. And say something nice to them, or take their hands. But equally important, you need to try to maximize their chances of idealizing you. Don't stop working on self-improvement. Don't stop growing. Don't stop changing. Don't stop taking care of yourself, both physically and mentally. Don't stop working at the relationship. This goes along with the issue of fostering passion. Don't get lazy. Don't get complacent in your relationship. But here's the issue. One person can do all the work in the world trying to keep this relationship in the honeymoon phase, but it means nothing if the other person doesn't ALSO put in the work. If your partner is committed to keeping your relationship as happy and fresh as you are, that's amazing. But if they don't care enough to even watch this video, or to hear why it might be important to incorporate the honeymoon phase into your relationship, if they're offended by the idea that they have to put work into this relationship, if they want to get lazy instead of keeping you happy, then you deserve better. You can play a little hard to get. You can capitalize on the distance to get them to long for you more, but really, you shouldn't need to do that. You shouldn't have to resort to convincing the other person. You can't force someone to behave a certain way, and you can't force them to value you. You either have to accept things as they are, or move on if they're not willing to work on this relationship with you. Because I imagine a lot of those of you watching this may be people who are struggling with their relationship, and want to make sure it gets better. And it does take two to tango. You can't be putting in 100% of the work alone. So did you find these tips helpful? Let us know in the comments below. Once again, this video is brought to you in collaboration with Anna from Anna Psychology. The link to her channel can be found in the description box. Also, don't forget to subscribe to Psych2Go and hit the notification bell icon for more videos. And thanks for watching.