 We are now getting to the deep brief discussion where tonight we're talking about single parenting and early pregnancy. To help us talk about this topic tonight we have evangelist Mutinda Charles who is a founder and relationship coach of Love Train family. Tonight we seek to understand what challenges do single parents face and most of the times when we talk about single parenting we focus on the women but tonight we try to also understand what are some of the challenges that single dads go through as they try to bring up their children by themselves. We also try to see how do we try to end the isolation or the stereotype that comes with people who are found themselves being single parents talk to us across our social media platforms that is at Y254 channel and also reach me at Patricia Muriochi. Welcome Charles to our interview tonight. I hope that you're well. So as we start off I'd first like to ask give us a brief background on what Love Train is all about. Thank you so much Patricia. You're welcome. You're looking good. Thank you. One of the things that the society has tried to look at is the regulation of the single parents and to be specific just you have said the single dads and the single moms and I've seen a trend in the society whereby you find a very good wedding very energetic very costly we go we dance we celebrate six months down the line even sometimes we don't even get the six months you heard so and so they broke up so you start looking and asking yourself what is this that is not happening you find by the time even they are breaking up maybe there was a kid involved and at the end of the day the kid now lives with the mother or the father and to make it even worse the church the people of the faith the people are born again the people are going to heaven are leading in this trend failed marriages so you find I was in a position to ask myself what can I do because we need this one to we need an action plan we need to be available if only we can help these people first focus with their foundation because the moment the foundation is wrong in when you're getting to marriage then everything will definitely fail okay so that has one one of the things that has contributed the other thing is you find that I like girl empowerment it's good it's strong but you find that as much as the girl empowerment is happening the boy child empowerment is not taking place okay so you find when these young people are getting into marriage or they're having a relationship when a kid comes they get confused and they run out they they just uh abscond their their their responsibility you end up finding there's a single dad and a single mom they are very young at age and there's nothing you can do so I got this person to just raise up try to come up and engage them try also to see those who are in challenged situations how can you help them because when you are if you are bringing up a kid and you are a single parent there must be a way to make sure this kid is getting the attention and all the resources are needed okay so that's what we do at love train okay so when you talk about I understand that you have a program that gets to focus on single parents and early pregnancies what are some of the things that you hope to achieve and how do you engage these single parents I'll give you a side by an example of last weekend we were engaged in a program in Akuru we were visiting a group of of young ladies age 12 and 17 you find they are in the deep end they are the place where they come from it's a place where changai is brewed it's a place where there's violence it's a place where there is no hope when you look physically so you find these young parents they are so young at their age somebody is having a kid at age 14 the parents are not responsible so you find they are in also confused state at that age so what we are doing with these young people we are supporting them to know some basic skills like crocheting you see these are people have not gone to school yeah how some of the dropped off because of the pregnancy and you find you have to engage them and help them to learn some new few things that can help them to grow so like they're also like you teach them tailoring so as they are growing up one they have some mentors who are standing with them okay the other thing also we try to look and see how we can support them these young girls they could not even afford to have things like panties underwears pads pads and one of the things let me I can say which stood out they are used to getting panties but around this time we decided let's let's give them bras and I'm telling you wow a kid of about 13 years she's getting she's just developing and she has a new bra it was lively in there so what we are trying to do is what we realize what are their needs and how can we reach out to make sure that we are helping them to grow we are helping them to see it is not the hand of life there is hope and there is stability for them because one of the things we do as you mentor them it is to be present and share your life share with them what are the things like me I being I was once a street boy I've lived and survived in the streets I know how hard it is they are not in the streets yes they have parents some of them single or some of them have no even they just live with their lattice but the kind of life they live they need to be given hope okay that you could have gone through the worst but yet achieve in life so that's how we do it okay I like the fact that you've talked about giving them bras because I'll say I've been involved in charity events before and most of the times we think about the pants we don't really think about the bras so we take a very short break on why 254 but when we come back we dive in more on this topic tonight please don't go too far away stay with us we'll be right back thank you for staying with us on why 254 updates and tonight on that debrief if you're just joining us we're talking about single parenting and early pregnancy talk to us across social media platforms that is at why 254 channel you can also reach me at Patricia Mariochi now I'd like us to talk about challenges that are faced by single parents we know that most of the times single mothers are the ones who speak out and say I am going through this and this the child has neglected the mother the father rather has neglected the child in your program and has you continue to interact with the single parents in the society what is one of the challenge probably that you've identified that is faced by single dads that people are not aware of one thing that we have seen is the single dads it's it's like they don't exist it's like they they they are not talked about nobody even thinks they are there I have a friend of mine and he is a he is a single dad and he took his time to share his story on his facebook profile and he wrote it in pieces and in pieces and when you listen and go through that story you realize men are suffering one of the reasons why they are suffering because they expected by the society majority that they should behave strong they should not cry they should be able to stand as a man and you find when somebody has got a passion for the kid sometimes they tried like this fellow tried to make the relationship work it didn't work so when they reach a place okay now I am a single father I have to take care of this kid the mother was not there he took all it took to just raise the kid and he shared his story and you could feel the pain and you could imagine the other men who are going through the same okay they never wished in fact one of the things that happens for you to be a single parent in most cases they never wish this in parents that's one thing the society does not understand and when now this person has already been identified as a single dad there is that kind of like is a failure how can how can such a good man like this have a beautiful handsome kid like this and be single so they fight so hard to show the society we are strong okay again when they also looking for some of them you see someone wants to settle down there is that like kind of baggage sometimes people think it's only we may know fair to say they have babies when they are dating when they are dating but you find by the time this guy is saying I'm a single dad I'm raising up my kid there is that like what did you do to the mother so you find they have to fight to explain and for this other person to start seeing it was not the the man or it was not the lady and because it's just one sided so they fight a lot to to define their position so society okay and then the other thing you find that let me tell you cooking is easy looking for food is difficult but the moment you are looking for the food and you have to the two things and you are the one person who is doing if not easy it's hard so you find that these kids as they are growing up probably this man has to raise a standard he has to also to like you know you have to raise a kid in a value to have some values that it matters you can be a good husband a good wife you find there is a challenge to this man okay he has to look for somebody probably who will also raise this kid like a mother and sometimes they don't get that you find they are their 40s they are 50s they are still single so that's one thing that the society has forgotten when these guys sometimes not that they want they are still looking for somebody who can fit in the shoes or who can help in the raising of their kids finances we one of the things that being a single mother I think would be one of the we could look at looking for finances you know when you are a mother you are carrying a baby there are some good Samaritan can just you can okay as a woman it is easy to to to ask help to ask for the help that's the one I was looking for but as a as a man to call someone and say you know I have a kid and he doesn't have me doesn't have pampas doesn't have panties it looks awkward so you find they also have a challenge in trying to prove to the society and to prove this kid I can provide for them and again distributing that time one of the things that I say women are blessed to do is be able to much task do this do that do that but a man when he's feeding the kids he's not I don't have the feed to feed the kid what's the news watch the do the lord so that's another challenge you'll find this man has to has to fit in okay I would like us to talk about co-parenting yes for single parents out there we've had cases where the single the the mother or the father that is now the person who happens to be the single parent is so bitter with what happened in the relationship because as you've said most of the times people don't don't make the choice to be a single parent as much as their people would want that probably you've lost your spouse a relationship did not work out you got a child and you people were not ready to commit to each other yes so how can our parents come together putting their differences aside and prioritizing the needs of the child to build an environment or create an environment where this child does not grow up with traumas that are probably going to be noticed later on in life something that people try people tend to really give a blind eye to but we know traumas are there and some of the sometimes your your reaction or your attitude towards something is because probably you lacked your father or your mother or you were treated in a certain way so how can parents build healthy environments for their kids even as they're separated one of the things is first is to accept the moment you have accepted that you are a single father you are a single mom and you have to to co-work together the accepting part is what matters most because you're able to face this challenge you're able to come out strong you're able to put your needs aside to accept that things never worked out now I have to re-engineer myself how do I bring this kid as a co-parent the other thing that you also look at is I tell ladies when they are dating or when they are outside they are whether they are not dating be a proud mom be proud that you have a kid it doesn't matter the relationship between the father and the kid and you it may be sore it may not be working but be proud mother be a proud dad because what these kids are looking for they are looking for people they can stand up for them they're looking for people are strong for them so the moment you are a proud dad you are a proud mom you also instill a lot of good things into this kid the other thing also that we also need to look at when these fights occur the kid was not there they should not be involved you should not be harboring bitterness because the father is not there or the mother is not there and sharing this one of the things I think this is done most by ladies because you have to vent out and you are disappointed you talk negatively about the father to this kid so this kid growing up he knows all fathers are bad my dad was a bad dude you know he messed up my mom so you find as they are growing up they have this negative energy they have no nothing good that comes from men so they end up presenting men just getting out of in just in messy situations okay the other thing is you have to identify the needs of this kid as much as you are single and you are parenting what are the needs this kid need what are the environments that you need to create for them because remember they are interacting with the other kids that are coming from families and if this kid is not getting some of the things that that a kid should get they may think this is a result because my mom is only one takes care of me or my dad will take care of me so you need to create environment that tells this kid yes we are co-parenting our problems should not create a problem for you for maybe the other one which I want to add is a I've seen you know you've seen it in the supermarket you've seen the shops in the cars baba baba we have baba in our kids so much you can't afford to baba the kid and we look at the society and how things are but we also mama thing is a parent I don't accept you to call my kid mama and my kid is called emailer and my son is called jabali call them by their names because when you call them by their names when you try to give them identity they will not grow up confused you are trying to instill some discipline be disciplinary that's one of the things I also say in parenting when he times to discipline kindly discipline them with a lot of kindness and a lot of love okay that's that's that's parenting that's a new one so if you're out there mama in and baba in anyway people have different styles when it comes to parenting as we as we wind up when you talk about early pregnancies most of the times people have talked about introducing a sex education in schools people have different perceptions about that what is your take what role do you think are introducing sex education in our schools is going to help us carb how is it going to help us carb earlier pregnancies let me say this and I say it with a very open mind and a very open heart the church needs to take its place and speak about these things with a because they have the authority they have the platform they have to let it be discussed because the moment you don't create a platform where we can be able to discuss things that are happening in our society they will run out mr google has become a very good friend to many people so they are starting to google info solution for mr google while the church needs to take its place and allow this discussion I believe it's good to discuss my kid she's seven years old she does not know how to read yet but she wrote something and I asked her what is it is she said I love mom I love dad and then what is the other then she left she said if I tell you you're going to laugh it and I was like okay tell me when I grow up I'll have a kid oh and then I was like oh okay a kid yes so what do we call this so we had a conversation so it's good to understand that is the church it we to understand these things are happening let's talk about them let's engage the society let's go at our level I let the term one of the things I'm an international husband married to a beautiful Tanzanian lady wow international by the name coco we are blessed with two kids and one thing I've seen that is you are doing some counseling and this man comes and tells you me I wanted to have four kids and this lady wants to have one kid so you start to ask yourself before you go to my head what were you discussing during dating so you find because they are not these basics they are not foundations these early pregnancy when they take place this person was not prepared okay and nobody took the position to enlighten them okay so I believe as the society especially the church should take the forefront allow sex education okay at different levels at different stages because look at the cartoons what are the cartoons doing you'll be amazed the things the cartoon that are being driven by the western world okay let me cut you short and just give you 30 seconds for a mother and a father out there with a single parent and made the decision to not be part of their child's life what message do you have for them 30 seconds as you wind up I want to encourage them that being a parent is a gift there are so many people are waiting or looking for how to raise up at their kids that they don't have the ability play your role put your differences aside create an environment for these kids so that when they grow up you can be able to rely on them or they can support you back because you will need them okay that is a requirement that is the law that's it's just a way to make a society better okay thank you very much evangelist Mutinda for finding the time to be here with us I think we're going to schedule for another interview to probably handle more because I just noticed that you have so much wisdom around parenting and stuff that we will talk about thank you very much for being with us tonight we wish you a very good night and see you tomorrow at the same time as we talk about business Tuesday my name is Patricia Mariochi do have yourselves a very good night why my shariq is coming right up